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2,186 Public Reviews Given
2,205 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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Review of A Matter of Faith  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E]. This is your second Whisky Liqueur review.

My first thoughts: When I saw you had one my auction package, I expected I would review a couple of poems. But, as it turns out, I love your prose equally as much as your poetry. This story is wonderful. It's clever, well thought-out, precise, and beautifully written. I absolutely love it.

Plot: A mathematician and scientist is having a crisis of faith. He needs proof that Jesus lived. As a scientist, he has physical proof, and he needs this for his religious faith, also. So, when his colleague discovers a black hole passing close to earth that will give the brief opportunity for time travel, Ted asks to go to The Mount of Olives. Nice choice. I would have wasted the opportunity on something like seeing Bill Haley first bring rock'n'roll to the UK.

I found the end of this story really moving. Faced with Jesus and his disciples, Ted wants to warn Jesus of the danger to come. He wants to save him. I love the last part, as Jesus looks at Ted with sadness, knowing full well what is to come. "Just before the darkness consumed Ted, he saw His lips move in silent response. 'I know, brother. I know.'" This genuinely moved me.

Characters: The beginning of this story is fab. I love how Ted is regarding himself in the mirror, questioning everything he stands for and has believed in. "He could see the ghostly doubts that plagued his mind hovering behind his eyes." is a great description. I love the whole mad scientist vibe I got from Rahsid. Although, his plan worked, and Ted travelled back in time.

What I liked: I loved the whole story. The end ... ahh. Wonderful. This description is one of my favourites: "He felt the pull of time, dragging him back." I like the visual that creates of a person being dragged through time. I love how Jesus is instantly recognisable. I love how calm Jesus is and how filled with peace, even though he knows he must die. It's really nicely written, Ken.

I enjoyed this story a lot. I think it's a great concept and very well executed. The characters are likeable and believable, and even the time travel seems completely plausible to me. It's fab. I absolutely loved it!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review of Fitting In  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E]. This is the first of your Whisky Liqueur reviews.

My first thoughts: I really enjoyed this short story. The twist at the end was fab. I love how you lure the reader into thinking this is a story about a teenage girl moving from New York to somewhere more southern, and that is why she finds it hard to fit in. But it's not that story at all. It's about a transgender girl trying to fit into a new school. I love your subtlety in writing this. It shows that, actually, it's a normal situation. By not calling massive attention to Samantha's situation, you make it more normal. I really like that.

Plot: A teenage girl, Samantha, has moved from New York to a school in North Carolina. On her first day of school, she finds that it's not just the accents that are different from her old school. She is clearly intelligent and doing well in school, as you show that she is already up to speed with the material her new class is studying.

I love how you wait until near the end of the story to show us that Samantha is transgender. When she enters the girls' bathroom, they are so mean to her. "'Hey, aren’t you that guy who’s trying to pass as a girl? You don’t belong here,' the blonde one spat." Your use of the word spat is perfect here. It shows the venom with which the girl speaks. I'm not sure whether Samantha was bullied in her old school, but I think she's going to have a hard time in this one. I was a little unsure as to why her parents moved her. She seemed to have fond thoughts of her old school. I wondered if it was because her parents were embarrassed and wanted to go somewhere no one knew them. Or, maybe, they thought it would be too hard for Samantha in her old school, without actually asking her. It seemed like a bit of an odd move, is all I'm saying.

Characters: As I first read through, I thought Samantha seemed poised and self-assured. She actually seemed a little like she looked down on the other people and their southern accents. It wasn't until the end that I realised just how hard it must have been for her. This line is heartbreaking for her: "'You better get out right now, you damn queer,' a voice yelled. 'I’m calling security!'" It's so sad.

What I liked: "In spite of the crowded hallway, she found herself alone, as though she was suddenly in the eye of a tornado." This is really poignant. It describes really well how it must feel to be completely alone, yet in the middle of so many. I love your description of the "maelstrom of kids flooding the hallway." That would be intimidating for anyone who is new or different, I imagine. The end picture you leave us with, of Samantha crying and wondering why her parents made her move to North Carolina, is really sad. I would like to know that answer to that question, too. This description of the teacher is fab: "'Samantha,' Mrs. Watson called, a frown creasing her face like she had eaten something bad." Even the teachers are prejudiced. There's no hope for the children when those in charge are like that.

Suggestions: One typo (I think). "She shoved by the girls, entering a stall, and locking the door behind her." I think it should be locked. I also feel like this isn't the whole story for Samantha. I would like to have read more about her and the difficulties she has, but the way she triumphs in the end. I would love to read more of her story.

This is a great story. It highlights one of the bigger issues for young people today. It's beautifully written. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Escape Artist Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E]. This is the first of your Chocolate Fudge reviews which Dragon is hiding Author Icon gifted you.

My first thoughts: This story did not turn out as I expected. I love the way you lead the reader into the peacefulness of the scene in the rainforest. Your opening paragraphs, describing the mountains and first rays of the sun and the lake and the kingfisher rustling his feathers. It's such a tranquil scene, which makes the story that ensues even more shocking and surprising. I really enjoyed reading this. I have to comment on how you begin and end with the kingfisher and the calm that fills the mountains. That's a nice touch.

Plot: Two geology students make the discovery of a lifetime. And the price they pay is their lives. On a tranquil day in the rainforest, Sara and Mona do some free climbing. In the course of which they discover an old cave that looks as though it must have been hollowed out thousands of years ago when an alien spaceship crashed. As they investigate, they are met with terrifying creatures, with whom they fight but lose. This plot is fab. As mentioned above, I love the way you place the action of the alien creatures within the tranquillity of the land on either side of it.

Characters: I felt simultaneously frightened of and sorry for the alien creatures. When Mona stood looking at the first creature, I thought it would turn out to be friendly, but slightly afraid. Only, she had to scream, causing the chain of events which led to her and Sara being killed. At the end, there is just one creature left, and I love this description: "Grief-stricken over the loss of its mate and siblings, it stood beside the body of Mona Weber, its desolate cries morphing into catlike hisses filled with disdain and aggression." That's so sad.

I really liked both your human characters. Sara is a great lead, with her confidence and fearlessness. Mona follows, and I really liked her up until the moment she screamed. I mean, I'm sure I would have done the same, but things could have turned out so differently, I think, if she hadn't screamed.

Grammar: Just a couple of minor points: "Traversing the bolder strewn geology of the mountain had been arduous." It should be boulder. Also, " ... Mona reluctantly crawled out on the slab and followed her friends coaxing voice." You need an apostrophe before the s.

What I liked: Firstly, I love your descriptive writing. When I read the beginning of this story, I was right there. I could feel the mist of the rainforest. This line is excellent: "An old Kingfisher sits on a snag overlooking the glassy water, waiting patiently for a trout to surface." It paints such a still, calm picture. It lures your readers into feeling secure. That's so clever, and absolutely beautiful writing. Once we got into the story, I remained completely hooked. I really thought the girls would escape. It's not very often a writer kills off all the people (well, humans, anyway) in a story. It's brave, but it totally works here. And that little insight at the end about how Mona and Sara misunderstood the aliens is such a great piece of writing. I also have to mention the last line, which is perfect: "The kingfisher shivers, and then continues watching, ever vigilant as a mist begins to form and move in ghostly white tendrils up through the pine-encrusted mountainside."

I loved this story! Your writing is so immersive and so descriptive. It hooked me the moment I started to read and it didn't let me go until the end. It's a fantastic piece of writing. Brilliant!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Serendipity Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is part of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love the positivity of this poem! That's the most important thing I take away from it. It's about loving yourself and looking after yourself, and that's such an important message. In the beginning, I thought the narrator was speaking to a friend, but when I realised the narrator was your self-esteem, I thought, how brilliant!

Voice/Tone: The narrator's voice is one of love and acceptance. It feels very protective. The whole poem feels soothing and calming. Near the beginning, you say: "Remember you wrere surrounded by foes and you felt so trapped ..." It sounds as though the person has maybe been bullied, and her self-esteem has been her saviour. (You have a typo with wrere—it should be were.)

Mechanics: The poem is not any specific form, but there is an aabbcc, etc. rhyme scheme. I love the rhymes. They help to move the poem along at a great pace, and they make it flow really nicely. All of your rhymes work to keep the rhythm working, for most of the poem. There are a couple of places where the rhythm is a little off. Firstly, this line: "Telling you Never ever there's ever a bruise or guilt that ever’s so bad." There are too many syllables in this line. I would take out ever's to make it read more smoothly. Also, "Never in doom or in defeat to you shall I ever deem ..." Again, there are too many syllables. I'm not entirely sure what this line means. If I were you, I would try to rewrite it.

My Favourite Part: I love your last line: "Unconditionally is my regard, Forever till eternity, Yours Truly - SELF ESTEEM :)" This is repeated from earlier in the poem. It reinforces the strength of your self-esteem. I also love this line: "I rushed to you, heeding noone, to hold you before you were sapped."

Suggestions: In general there are too many never and evers. Because they are used so much, they kind of get in the way of what you're trying to say. They almost make parts of the poem a tongue twister, which it needn't be. I would see if you can take out most of them if I were you.

I really like this poem. I think it's well written and well thought out. I like the sentiment, and I really enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of The Blue Apple  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Maolla Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E]. This review is part of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Please remember these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I was intrigued by your title and brief description. You say this is "just a weird story about apples," but it's actually so much more than that. It's about perspective and belief, and I think it's a really clever story. Also, you say you are not a native English speaker, but, again, I think you are putting yourself down. Your writing is fluid and nicely done.

Plot: A boy finds a blue apple. He tries to show everyone he knows his astonishing find, but none of them believes him. They all have some explanation that proves it's really a green apple or not an apple at all. Eventually, the boy can't take the disbelief any more, and he begins doubting what his own eyes are showing him. He throws the apple into the ravine, where it is eaten by a worm who knows it was a blue apple but could not care less.

This is so clever. It shows how children have a tendency to see things how they really are because they have no preconceived ideas. They have no expectations, which means they just see. This reminds me of a story my parents told me. They said when I was a toddler, they asked me what colour the light on a train's signal was and I replied blue. They argued that it was green and laughed at my mistake. Until they really looked at the light. It was then they saw that it really was more of a blue than green. Your story reminded me of that. Once we reach a certain age, I think we often stop really seeing a lot. I felt sad when the boy started to doubt his own convictions. It's like a symbol for growing up. It's also a story about perception and how something can be many things at the same time. Like Schrodinger's Cat.

Characters: I love this little boy. He is so certain he has found a blue apple, and I totally believe him. But, nobody else does. Some of them won't even look at it. I felt so, so sad when the boy threw the apple into the ravine; instantly regretting his actions. He's become jaded, afflicted by the scepticism of adulthood.

Grammar: Just a tiny point. You use a lot of exclamation points in your writing. It's generally thought we should try to limit them and, rather than using the punctuation to emphasis an otherwise weak verb, it's better to use a strong verb that needs no extra emphasis.

What I liked: The little boy. I love his enthusiasm. I love watching him try to prove his apple is blue. The way the story follows him as he runs out of people to show is really nicely written. It makes me think that, as humans, we need the validation of others to believe our own eyes or feelings.

I really enjoyed this story. On the surface, it's a simple story about a boy and a blue apple. But, it's so much more than that. There are so many philosophical layers that make really interesting. I loved it. Great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Walkinbird 3 Jan 1892 Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "Seeking Certain Assurances" Open in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window.. It is the first of your Whisky Liqueur reviews that Whata SpoonStealer Author Icon gifted to you.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: Adrie asked me to review this piece specifically, but I think it is part of a larger body of work. Without reading that, I will treat this as a short story. I hope that's okay. The first thing to say is I love your opening paragraph. That scene, with Dorotea Canto and Brother Vace walking across the courtyard is pure genius. I don't know anything about the characters before reading this, but I learn so much from their interaction in this scene. This description of Dorotea is fab: "Her commanding height misdirected assumptions of frailty, likewise the tailored red suit and impressively fit legs concealed other, less important truths." She sounds pretty intimidating and scary. You also say she has a "no-nonsense approach," and that is highlighted in her appearance. Then, we have Brother Vace who, "scrambled along, somewhat winded keeping at her heels." Also, you say of him, "Vace moved sidelong, looked sidelong ..." He seems untrustworthy. I am sure he will betray the others at some point, or maybe he will be too scared to do whatever is necessary to save them. He appears to be a snivelling, weaselly, little man.

Plot: I am unsure what the whole plot is. But that's not a criticism because I'm sure I would know, had I read the previous material. Dr. Robert Josephs is plagued with no sleep. He hears (and sees?) ghosts and he has almost died many times; each time seeing a little more of death. So, I don't know whether he is researching death? I'm not sure. It's definitely intriguing, though.

The last section of the chapter is really interesting. Dr. Josephs and his assistant, Aubrus Enbrus, are in Rome before embarking on the next part of their journey. They visit a fortune teller, who reads the doctor's tarot cards. She uncovers many Death cards, and it spooks him. Meanwhile, Aubrus has an encounter with a lady selling beads (who I am not sure whether we should trust). She sells him some beads, and he has a flash of memory of his mother as their hands touch. Again, I'm not sure what this signifies, but I'm intrigued to find out.

What I really liked: This line made me laugh: "He wondered what deliberate face he could make to annoy Brother Vace, but willed himself to step away rather than linger." Dr. Joesphs' contempt for Vace makes me even more sure he will betray them somehow. I also love the general intrigue you create. We have phantoms, death, vampires, Biblical quotations, fortune tellers, strange beads. There are so many possibilities of where you will take this. That's exciting.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: My main comment regarding this is to watch your use of tenses. Mostly, this is written in the past tense, but there are a couple of places where you slip into the present tense. "Robert looks over his shoulder at Brother Vace and nudges an elbow toward him." This is the first place. Also, "Robert stops and closes his eyes ..." and the rest of this sentence. The only other point is a minor one: "Each have lessons to learn...," There shouldn't be a comma after ellipses.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed reading this. My mind is buzzing with thoughts as to where the doctor and Aubrus will go next. How many more times will Robert see Death? Will he die? Who will betray them? And what is their mission? Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

My September 2017 PDG signature. Made by Hannah.


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Rhoswen - Relentless Victory Author Icon

I've just read your poem, "A Writer's Heart Bleeds Words" Open in new Window., and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window.. It is the Strawberry Surprise review that Schnujo NEEDS to do homework Author Icon gifted to you, from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " Open in new Window..

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I love the description you use in this poem. The way you speak of painting a picture without using a brush is such a great image. It conjures up images in my mind of words creating pictures on the page. It's exactly what writing is all about, and it's exactly what you do in this poem. I love it. That is my first impression (and, additionally, my middle and end impressions).

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: Please help me out here. I'm sure this is a set form because I've reviewed others with this refrain pattern recently, but I can't remember what it is. There is no rhyme scheme, but there are three quatrains. The last line of the first verse serves as the last line of the following two verses. Also, the second line of the first verse becomes the first line of the second, and the third line of the first verse becomes the first line of the third verse. Whew. That sounds so complicated, but you have written it so it looks flawless and effortless. The rhythm is natural, not forced, and there is an even meter throughout. It reads fluidly. I really would love to know the form in which this is written.

*StarG* What I really liked: The whole poem! Your opening lines are a fantastic hook, particularly for other writers who are reading this: "Pen in hand over a blank page, / painting a picture without a brush." It's a beautiful description. I also have to mention the refrain because it's perfect: "a writer's heart bleeds words." So very true. I think it's clever how you write, "looking for rhyme and reason." That play on rhyme is really clever. Finally, let me just say I love this line: "the pen scribbles across the page." I could go on to quote every line, but I'll stop here. The whole poem is spot on.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a fantastic poem. Your writing is effortless, and the result is a poem that is rich and descriptive. It's absolutely beautiful. Great work!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi dogpack saving 4premium+ Author Icon

I've just read your poem, "Writers Cramp Poem" Open in new Window., and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window.. It is your second Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: This poem is joyful and light and a pleasure to read. As I first read through, I wondered if it is based on your own experiences. It certainly reads as though it is personal. Your first line is a fantastic hook, with some great internal rhyme: "my brain seized, when I sneezed." That grabs the reader's attention and makes them take notice. I love it. As we read on, we read a tale of how you had to learn to write again, both mentally and physically. It wasn't easy, but Writing.com and The Writer's Cramp have both been instrumental in your success. Along with your own iron will, I suspect. It's a great story of triumphing over adversity. I'm so glad the prompts in The Writer's Cramp helped inspire you to be creative again.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This poem is free verse and there is no set rhyme scheme. However, you have kept the lines to similar lengths and meter, which means it has a fluid, natural rhythm. There are no bumpy places. I really like your occasional use of internal rhyme. For example, your last line: "The Writers Cramp, made me a champ." I think that's fab!

*StarG* What I really liked: "search the web, oh my aching head / I see with glee, WdC is for me." I love these lines because they are so relatable. I remember that feeling when I first glanced over this website. Similarly, this line really appeals to me: "this cramp is good, in the WdC brotherhood." That's exactly what it's like. Nicely worded. This line made me chuckle: "computer for help, Merriam-Webster yelped." I like the humour with which you have written this poem. I love how you don't feel sorry for yourself. You did something to help yourself, and it paid off big time. The positivity shines through.

*StarP* Suggestions: Punctuation: you have used some. But the first words of each verse aren't capitalised and there are no periods at all, not even at the end. That's fine. I like to write poetry without punctuation, but the general rule is either all or nothing. In other words, don't just punctuate certain parts. Not even with free verse. If you're going to use punctuation, go all the way. Or use none. (Personally, in this poem, I'd go for none.) Also, "don't quit, use your whit / at whits end, sos I send." It should be wit and wit's.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is an enjoyable, positive, celebratory poem. I really enjoyed reading it, and I found it inspiring.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

PDG Penguin Sig.


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for entry "Take My Hand..." Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi LostGhost: Seeking & Learning Author Icon

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*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*


This is your second Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* I wanted to review a poem of yours because I've read your poetry before and I really like it. When I saw this one, I knew it was the right one. It's absolutely beautiful. The feeling of love and togetherness is a refreshing change when compared to all the division in the world right now. But this poem, it speaks of unity, and I like that.

*Starv* This poem is free verse, which is my favourite form. You have used it really well to convey your message. I don't know if this is written for anyone in particular? I have a feeling it is. The love shines through. It's a very relaxing and calming poem. It makes me feel like everything will be okay if we just stand together.

*StarV* The rhythm in this poem is spot on. Sometimes, with free verse, the rhythm can be lost a little. But that's not the case in this one. There are no bumpy spots, which makes it flow really well.

*StarV* It's hard to pick a favourite line because the whole poem works really well together. There are two places that really stand out for me, though: "slow we might be, / but we are not lost." I think you are saying you don't need to be living your life at 100 miles an hour, rushing about, stressing about all the things you haven't done. If it's important, you will get to it when you need to. That feels so peaceful, and I think a lot of people will relate to it.

The other place that blows me away is: "We're not out to rule the world / but to live our life with love and light." All we need is love, and with that, we can face whatever comes our way. We don't have to be super rich or famous, we just need each other.

This is a first class poem. I love the imagery that runs through it of holding hands and making your way through life together. It's beautifully written, and the message at its heart is so positive and joyful. Great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi LostGhost: Seeking & Learning Author Icon

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*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*


This is your first Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* I love your opening paragraph. It is a fantastic hook into the rest of the story, and I had to keep reading. The narrator has a secret they keep locked in a trunk, but every now and then, the trunk must be opened and the monster unleashed. It all began when she became jealous of her friend who was in love with a guy and (I assume) he loved her, too. The green-eyed monster crept through your character's veins and took her over, making her betray her best friend.

*Starv* I loved this line: " A finger-print, an eye scan, and thought scan." I really sat up and took notice when I read "thought scan." That's a clever idea. It tells us this is set in the future, although there aren't really any other details of the setting or time period.

*Starv* Another line I think is wonderful is: "I let the sands of time take me back to those sands of the beach." Nice imagery. I love it.

*Starv* The way you describe jealousy is great. I love the "green tendrils" that creep through your character, taking hold and taking over. I really like how jealousy makes people turn green, and you can see how insecure they are through how much of them turns green.

*StarV* One thing to watch is your tenses. You have a tendency to switch between present and past occasionally. This line is an example of that: " ... the green tendrils seem to be speaking as they slowly morph into a face of a monster and sniffed me." You continue to use the past tense in the next sentence, then go back to the present. I found it a little confusing.

*StarV* I have a couple of questions. I assumed the whole trunk and green-eyed monster was a metaphor for the woman's jealousy, which was stirred up when she thought of her best friend. I didn't think the monster was real, as he was a part of your character. However, when I read your genre is horror, I wondered if I got it wrong. I'm not sure. Was the monster real? Was there really a trunk?

This is an enjoyable story with a great moral to it: jealousy hurts and turns you into an ugly person on the inside. What's more, once you let that monster in, it will feed off your body and make you do horrible things. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of A Shattered Mask  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi S.J - Not Around Much Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is the first of your Chocolate Fudge reviews.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem is a sad reflection on a life where you spend so long pretending to be whatever other people need you to be, that you lose yourself in the process. I think a lot of people will relate to this. Most of us have different masks for different occasions and different people. It is really easy to lose and forget yourself as you do this.

Voice/Tone: The voice sounds personal. The narrator sounds as though she is despairing of her life. There is a sense of turmoil and frustration that she can never just be herself. The masks she wears protect her, though, I'm sure. After all, revealing the real you makes you vulnerable to being hurt. So, the masks definitely serve a purpose.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse, which I love. I would look at your line lengths and breaks, though. For example, this line is too long: "And as I walk back through the endless screaming corridors." It doesn't really fit because of its length. But, if you moved endless down a line, then, "screaming corridors" down another line, it would place so much emphasis on the word endless; which is the important part of the sentence. If I were you, I would take a look at where you have placed the line breaks. You don't have to put whole sentences or thoughts on one line. If you break them up, they have a lot more impact.

Rhythm: The rhythm is good. Changing the line lengths would make it smoother, though.

My Favourite Part: "And I'm left scrambling to find the real me / In a sea of endless hollow screams." That's a beautiful description, but it feels so sad and lonely. It's like you just can't find the real you. Sometimes, though, the more we search, the harder it becomes to find. I also love how you end the poem with the question: "Should I don another mask?" Becasue it's easier than being yourself, right?

Suggestions: My main suggestion (after the line breaks) is to think about your word choice. You have a tendency to use the same words or phrases over and over. For example, these stood out to me: "at first," "don/donned/donning," and "endless." Yes, use them once. But it would give more impact if you could find different words for your descriptions.

I like this poem. It's emotional and you have some nice descriptions in there. I think you show the despair and sadness of not knowing who you are really nicely. Great work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Jellyfish Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E]. This is your second Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I wanted to review something a little different for this review. So I chose this (I was drawn to it by the cute rabbit picture). I really enjoyed this story told completely through dialogue. It's really hard to pull off a story without any exposition or speech tags. But, you have done it without flaw. It's really funny and highly entertaining.

Plot: An elf has lost his rabbit (called Mike - that's a touch of comedy genius). He meets a man whose house Mike was last seen entering, and together they recover him from the airing cupboard. I love your ending. It's such a tease. The elf, reunited with Mike, leaves the human a gift: one wish to be granted. And, what does he wish for? ... We'll never know. You leave us hanging. It's a great ending.

Characters: I love how the human has so many questions and things he finds odd about the situation, whereas, the elf cannot understand what is so odd about an inch-high fellow searching for his pet rabbit, Mike. I'm with the elf. It sounds perfectly normal to me. There is a great interaction between the two characters, and the dialogue is completely natural. It definitely reads as a real conversation.

What I liked: I love your sense of humour! I found myself laughing the whole way through the story. Your writing really shines in this. These lines are hilarious: "'Anyway, one of them told me that he thought he’d seen Mike – that’s the rabbit –' / 'Your rabbit is called Mike? / “Yes, what of it?'" I also love the part where the elf says he spoke to the birds, and this surprises the human. But, the thing that seems to surprise him the least is the fact that he's speaking to an elf. That makes me laugh.

Suggestions: The only thing to say is there are a few lines where you haven't used end-of-quotation speech marks. It's not a big deal, and it doesn't affect the impact of the story. But I just thought I'd mention it.

This is a real feel-good story. It has humour interwoven through every sentence. And it's humour that works. It's laugh-out-loud funny. I really enjoyed it. It's a great story.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Jellyfish Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is the first of your Chocolate Fudge reviews.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love it! I'm assuming the prompt was the colour blue. I have to say, you've taken that prompt and smashed it. This is a different direction to anything I would have thought of. I love your descriptions of this sad, lonely house. I actually feel a little empathy for it. The crumbling wall and rotting window pane show so eloquently how decaying and neglected this old place is. I love the last couple of verses when you turn it around. You say you'd like to make the house yours, and if you did, you would, " ... fill it full of plants and songs, / And people, food and wine." I love that.

Voice/Tone: The voice is personal, and it sounds as though the narrator really cares about the house next door. The main body of the poem is sad and kind of despondent. The theme of ghosts is nicely carried through to the end. I love these lines: "There's ghosts in every room, / They slip behind the curtains -" But, they aren't spooky ghosts. I think it's more a reflection of the memories of people who used to live there. That's really cleverly done.

Mechanics: I don't think this is any specific form. There are six quatrains, all with an abcb rhyme scheme. I love the rhymes. They all work really well, and this helps to give the poem a great pace. The lines are of similar lengths, which makes the rhythm spot on. There are no places where you lose the rhythm or rhyme. It's so well written.

My Favourite Part: "Its windows stare like empty eyes." This is so sad. It feels like the house is dead, and this description is really moving. I also love this part: "Its memories slip through the cracks / Devoid of any light." A house, once full of laughter, love, and happiness, now stands empty and alone. It reminds me of a song (I can't remember what it is) where the guy is singing about a house where the woman has left him and the house alone. He sings, "There's a teardrop in the corner of your pain." Something like that. Your poem made me think of that song.

This is a fantastic poem, Jenny. It's beautifully written. The imagery you use and emotions you tug at work so well to make a fab piece of writing. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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414
Review of Love's Touch  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Carol St.Ann 👓 Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is the second of your Turkish Delight reviews.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. I chose to review this poem, out of the three you suggested, because I couldn't not. It's beautifully written and presented, and it's so poignant. Your portrayal of loss and grief is so accurate. The way your loss isn't with you when you first wake, but a second later, it hits you afresh, and it's like losing them all over again. The way you long for sleep and happy dreams because it's the only time you have left with them. That really brought a lump to my throat.

Voice/Tone: The narrator in this poem speaks with a lot of emotion. The poem sounds very personal. It tells a story of someone who has lost the love of their life. I've read it over and over, and I can't figure out the ending. Is the narrator dying? Or is she saying one day they will walk along Heaven's shore? Or, is she saying in her dreams they will walk together? That makes sense. I love the idea that her loved one's presence will be stronger than the demons who fight for time in her head.

Mechanics: I'm not sure if this is any specific form, but there are three quatrains, with the rhyme of aaaa, bbbb, cccc. Each verse has roughly the same syllables. I love the way this gives the poem rhythm and pace. It means it flows wonderfully from one line to the next.

My Favourite Part: "When the night's been serene, filled with mem'ries of love, / I cherish your visit from a realm far above." Ohh, that makes me so sad. I have to say, I adore your opening line: "I sleep in the arms of the smile that I hold ..." That's a perfect, beautiful description.

Suggestions The only place that doesn't flow quite as well as the rest is the last line: "Together we'll walk 'long Heaven's shore this hour." The meter is slightly off. "Heaven's shore this hour," is the part that just doesn't feel quite right. It's not a huge deal, but I thought I'd mention it.

This is truly a fabulous poem. The emotion is incredible, and your writing is so beautiful. I'm so glad you suggested this poem for me.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Legendary❤️Mask Author Icon

This review is part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is also part of "OPEN HOUSE" Open in new Window.. It is your Strawberry Surprise review which LJ hiding under the bed Author Icon gifted you.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* I'm sat here typing this review with tears streaming down my face. This really touched a nerve with me. It's a beautiful tribute to your mother. I'm so sorry you lost her so young and in such a horrible way (not that there's really any good way). From reading this, I can tell you had a wonderful relationship with your mother. She sounds like she was everything a good mother should be. It's just so moving. Seriously. The tears just keep coming.

*StarV* I love how you move this essay along in a logical way. So, you start with your mother's death and the pain it caused. You move through mourning her, questioning God, making peace with him, and finally being able to remember your mother without sadness taking over. Can I ask how long it took you to get to that point? I lost my Mum six years ago, and I still don't feel like I'll ever get to that point.

*StarV* I love the photograph you have used for this piece. That's a nice touch. The part where you mention memories that sneak out when you aren't expecting them is so true. Anything can trigger memories. It's nice when you get lost in them, but not so nice when you realise they aren't how life is any more. I like how you offer advice in this essay. You offer hope that grief does ease over time, and you tell us to hold onto this we love and not take them for granted. That's a great piece of advice.

*StarV* Just one quick point about punctuation ... plurals don't have apostrophes. Nouns/pronouns which denote ownership do have apostrophes.

This is a beautiful piece of writing. It's brought back so many memories about my own mother. Mostly, though, it is filled with love and joy over the relationship you had with your mom, and that is so moving to read. Great writing!

Choconut

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Review of Night Dancing  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Charlie ~ Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. Minja has gifted this review to you through my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " Open in new Window..

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Your opening line captures the reader instantly: "It creeps upon you slowly." Personally, that resonated with me big time. I really like your description in the first verse of mental illness curling itself around your blankets. I imagine it's common for sufferers to have trouble leaving their beds, so the fact that depression/bipolar/borderline; whatever the illness, is in their bed makes sense.

Voice/Tone: The narrator sounds tired. Especially, in the last verse. The last two lines are really sad: "Find out you are truly alone. / No one will go down with you." I also really like how you admit that you've always known you weren't normal; that your feelings weren't normal. Eventually, you had to admit it, rather than push it down and try to ignore it.

Mechanics: Although free verse, this poem does have a kind of structure, in its content. The first verse deals with the insidious way mental illness weaves itself through your life without you realising, at first, what is happening. In the second verse, you deal with acceptance. The third refers to the point where you ask for help, and the fourth is when you realise that help is overrated, and actually really hard to find. That is the journey of mental illness described perfectly. I found it really moving. I'm glad you used free verse for this. It means you have been super creative with your words.

My Favourite Part: The third verse is the one that has the greatest impact. Telling someone is such a hard thing to do, especially the first few times. You capture really well the difficulty in putting your illness into words. "'I’m sad. I’m helpless. / I feel nothing.'” It's so hard to admit those feelings to yourself, so to open them up to someone else is a huge deal. I love your description of how it feels to say these things: "Feel your heart stop, / Wait for a reaction." That's exactly how it feels. I was angered by the reaction of people telling you you don't feel the things you say you're feeling. I've had that, and it really pisses me off. Nobody knows what goes on in your mind.

This is a fantastic poem, Char. I note in your brief description you say it was a quick poem. Does that mean you wrote it quickly? Because, it's really well thought out. The overall feeling is one of hopelessness and resignation that this is how life will always be because no one is really able to help you. It's very relatable. Great work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Ode To His Ghost  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi ~Minja~ Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is your Marzipan Fancy review from my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " Open in new Window..

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. This poem is heartbreaking. It speaks of grief for the loss of a son. In this case, to genocide. I can't imagine the horrors that were experienced during this time. The horrors that people still live with today because of it. Not just grief for lost loved ones, but PTSD, physical illnesses; so many scars in so many people. This poem, though, deals with the mother's grief, and it is profound in its impact on the reader.

Voice/Tone: The narrator's voice is that of a mother who visits her son's grave every Memorial Day. She sounds as though the pain is as raw today as it was when it happened. I love your description of filling her, "suitcase with prayers" for her son, so she can catch the train to his grave.

Mechanics: This is free verse, and it works fantastically. When I read it, I feel like I need to pause at the end of every line and reflect on what I've just read. It's all so poignant. Your use of imagery is first class. Your descriptions of the grave really appeal to me. "You hug me with silence / and kiss with breath of moss." That "breath of moss" is so evocative of damp, cold earth. It was only at this point, I realised she was visiting a grave. Although, "brown house" is a good description, also. "I age above your stone-roof." This is another great description. His "stone roof" being the gravestone. I love how this woman reflects on how she continues to live and grow older, while her boy is forever young.

My Favourite Part: I have to say, the whole poem gives me goosebumps. The last verse is my favourite, though. "Outside, / your shadow plays / with other 6,938 ghosts." This image makes me think of a younger boy, playing outside with his friends. I think this must be how his mother will always remember him. It's also a shock when we read that 6,938 people were murdered. It's horrific, and I'm ashamed to say I never knew very much about it until I read this.

Suggestions: Just one point ... The last two lines of the last verse end with the word back. It stands out a little. Maybe, you could change the penultimate line to something like, "telling me to pack up my suitcase ..." Just a suggestion.

This is a fantastic poem, Minja. I'm not at all surprised it won Project Write World. It's incredibly emotive, and I'm shocked to learn the extent of the horror of the Bosnian genocide. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Grab The Harpoon!  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi ♥HOOves♥ Author Icon

This review is part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is the final of your Chocolate Orange Crisps reviews.

Please remember these reviews are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* The sardine makes a another appearance! I love it. Your brief description is so funny: "Evil Sentence Fragments Torment a Sardine Sandwich in County Mayo." Oh, and, how they torment him it. Joined by the Connemara whale, these evil sentence fragments cause the sandwich so much pain. Once again, you have written a hilarious piece that, at its heart, has an important message. Break the rules! Do it!

*StarV* As someone who likes to use sentence fragments, this article/story really appeals to me. I love this remark made by the whale: "Maybe using language to tell the story effectively and in an original way takes precedence over always following some rigid rules." So true.

*StarV* The Connemara whale thinks he's a funny guy by using sentence fragments in reply to the sardine sandwich, and I have to say, I agree with him. He made me laugh. I love how he points out how engrossed in the story the sandwich has been.

*Starv* I love how you incorporate the bookshop in Westport. I feel like this piece brings together the 'Streets of Dingle' poem and 'Sardine Sandwiches & Whales.' These three go nicely together, and I'm so glad you asked me to review them all together.

This is a witty, clever piece of satire. So many writers are "purists," who believe there is one way to write something, and anything outside of that is not worth reading. I have an aunt who refuses to acknowledge my free verse poetry is actually poetry because it doesn't rhyme. And there's no convincing her otherwise. Personally, I think rules are made to be broken. They make things interesting. I mean, you have to understand how to break them in a way that works, but I think it's largely instinctual, isn't it?

What I'm saying is, I love this piece of writing. It's another item that all writers could benefit from reading. Great work!

Choconut

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419
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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi ♥HOOves♥ Author Icon

This review is part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is the second review from your Chocolate Orange Crisps package.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* This is fantastic! It's so informative, while remaining hugely entertaining. I found myself laughing long and loud at a lot of this piece. But, what I thought was really clever was how, yes, it's funny, but the point you make by the end of the article is actually quite profound: don't worry too much about what others think. Write for you, tell your story. Even if there are people who think it stinks.

*StarV* I really wish I'd read this when I first came to Writing.com. I know, it's my fault because I've browsed your portfolio many times, but never noticed this. Which is odd, considering the name! It's such a great title (possibly the best I've ever read on this site), and your brief description expands on the intriguing subject matter. The reader has no idea what they will find when they open up this article, and I like that.

*Starv* The arguments in this essay are well-reasoned. I agree with everything you say. I love your examples of 1st Person and 3rd Person Omniscient narratives. While I understood them before, this part has brought me an even better understanding: "The sardine sandwich probably doesn't realize he is an egomaniac or that he smells bad so he's limited to his own outlook on the world. Showing the grilled cheese sandwich's reaction gives you another character's opinion." The examples you give, using these two characters, works really nicely, as well.

*Starv* I like how you go on to write about the skill of reviewing. You set out a good lesson for all reviewers: just because you don't enjoy a specific subject matter, it doesn't mean the piece isn't well written. Also, readers' views are always subjective. Everyone has different views, and some will love your work; some will not. This line, which you have written in red to highlight its importance, is so true: "Just because you or I don't get it or like it doesn't mean it isn't good." We, as reviewers, could all benefit from remembering this.

*Starv* The last line is perfect: "So, you see, it's all in the eyes of the readers in the end. Don't give up if you have a story to tell, even if you are a sardine sandwich."

All newbies should read this. The way you write with great humour, while imparting an important message, and giving writing advice, is so appealing. I'm sure newbies could learn a lot from this. Non-newbies, as well. It's a great piece of writing.

Choconut

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420
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥HOOves♥ Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is the first of your Chocolate Orange Crisps package.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love this! The title is a fantastic hook, as is the first line. Dingle is such a magical, happy sounding name. It made me smile instantly. "We walked the streets of Dingle." Perfect. There is no way anyone can read that line and pass on the rest of the poem.

Voice/Tone: The voice is light and warm and slightly nostalgic. The narrator is showing the readers all the fab things they encountered when they visited Ireland. It's clearly a very special holiday, and that shines through in your writing. You make the reader want to visit all these places. The picture at the end is pure brilliance!

Mechanics: There is an abcb rhyme scheme throughout, and this gives the poem a fantastic rhythm. The pace is quick and light. It kind of skips along, and it's so endearing. There is just one place where I felt the rhythm was lost a little, and that is this line: "Connemara there beyond some bends." It either has too many syllables, or maybe the meter is slightly different. That said, now I've read it, and I know how it should sound, it reads fine.

My Favourite Part: Oh, so many fab lines. This one made me chuckle: "The roads were never flat." That's true of where I live, also. I can understand how it would leave an impression on you. I also really laughed when I read this part: "We found a herd of cows, / I remembered how to live." Mostly, though, I love the warmth and happiness that emanates from every single word. The end, where you describe going to Chawke's Pub and listening to songs sung by Noel McLoughlin, reminds me of an Irish man who worked with my dad. He went home to Ireland for a month every year and always returned with tales of Guiness and nights spent singing and listening to music in pubs. He was so entertaining.

Oh, Hoovsie, I love this poem. It's so fun and joyful. I know you don't have ratings for this poem, but I would have given it a 5*Star*. It's a really great way to start my day; reading this. I really want to visit Ireland now. We saw Bob Dylan in Dublin a few years ago, but we didn't have time for sightseeing. This poem: fantastic!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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421
Review of May Angels Watch  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi VictoriaMcCullough Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is your final review from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " Open in new Window..

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. This poem is beautiful. I was hooked from your first line: "May Angels watch from distant lighthouses." There's something about lighthouses that is very spiritual, and this is a great way of grabbing your reader's attention. As I continued to read, I loved the message of angels watching over us and guiding and protecting us in all we do. I remember, not long after my Dad passed away, I was sat in my work's office. He came into my head, and I felt tearful. At that moment, a white feather floated in through an open window and landed on my shoulder. A part of me really believes it was a sign from him, and that he is my guardian angel now.

Voice/Tone: The tone of this poem is very calming and reassuring. The idea that we all have these spiritual/supernatural beings who look after us is so positive. "May they break your falls when in too deep," is a fantastic line. We all have times when things get too much and we need a soft place to fall. What I really like about this poem is how you address the reader directly. You are offering us your good wishes, and it feels like you are speaking right to me.

Mechanics: I'm not sure if this poem is any specific form? I don't think so. But, there is the obvious use of repetition of the word May at the start of each line. Also, the rhyme scheme is abab throughout. I love this rhyme. It really helps give the poem a good pace and a natural rhythm. It makes it a pleasure to read.

My Favourite Part: The message. I love how peaceful I felt at the end of this poem. It's hard to pick a favourite line because they are all great, but this one really stands out for me: "May Angels fill your blue skies." That feels so free, so sunny, so light. I love it. I also love, "May they live through your memories to keep." This reminds me of both my parents. They are my angels.

This is a beautiful poem. It leaves the reader with a sense of peace, and it's very reassuring and soothing. I really hope there are angels watching over us.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Ever Near To You  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi VictoriaMcCullough Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is the first of the reviews which Princess Megan Rose Author Icon gifted to you.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I chose to review this poem firstly because it's very appropriate, as Megan kindly donated the reviews. As I first read through, I was touched by how strong your friendship is. It's a beautiful tribute, and I imagine she was overjoyed when she read it.

Voice/Tone: The tone of the poem is warm and filled with love. From the first line, we see this: "From distant hills I see your face ..." The voice is personal and intimate. It's impossible to read this and not be struck by how important your friendship is.

Mechanics: You have written this poem in the Burns Stanza tradition, with a few slight modifications. The first two verses, this works perfectly, even though the syllables in the longer lines aren't exact. The last verse, I felt the rhythm wasn't quite as good. It was just slightly off. I think the meter is a little off. However, this isn't a huge problem. I understand you wanted to include everything you had to say, and so you modified the form to fit your requirements. The poem still has a great flow through each verse. It reads fluidly.

My Favourite Part: I love the emotion in this poem. I love the overall warm feeling it leaves me with. It's hard to choose specific parts as my favourites, but I love, "I think on how much joy you place / in this old heart." That's so lovely. Also, as a fellow writer and reader, I love this line: "Like a gracious and wise paperback ..." (Although, you have put two As in the line.)

This is a delightful poem. It's a joy to read it. You've taken on a tricky poetic form, and changed it up a little. The result is a beautiful, powerful tribute to a wonderful friend.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Peace  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Tileira Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "Peace" Open in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of "OPEN HOUSE" Open in new Window.. It is in a affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window..

My first impressions: This story took me in a completely different direction to what I expected. When I read the description, and I realised it was a fantasy genre story about bringing peace to a house, I expected the protagonist to be some kind of mediator. I expected an end to war, an end to fighting between different houses. But, actually, it's about domestic violence and finding an end to abuse. I love the way you use a fantasy setting for this theme. Domestic violence is a subject very close to my heart, and I think you've done a fantastic job of highlighting the damage it causes. In a completely different way to most DV stories.

Plot: This story is about a king who regularly physically abuses his sons and wife, along with other members of his court. Nadir, the protagonist, has obtained a magical box from a magician. The reader is unsure what magic lies inside, but we get little hints at how dangerous it is through Nadir's memories of the magician's warnings: "In the first, never must the lid be opened. The casket is sealed with wax. Should this break the box must be burned immediately." The magician also warns that the box must not be looked upon or touched by another, or it will be his undoing. I have a feeling it will, indeed, be his undoing. I imagine it won't take much for the people to figure out that it was he who used black magic to kill his father.

I love the characterisation of the two brothers, Nadir and Arash. I wouldn't say I like Nadir, despite him doing what needed to be done to save his family. I wasn't sure why he squeezed his younger brother's shoulder in the exact place his father injured him. I really felt for Arash when he, " ... endured it without a sound as he had when their father first inflicted it." I found this quite moving.

The box is a brilliant way to murder their father. His vanity means he believes Nadir when he says a lady has asked him to pass it on to the king. I love the part where Nadir is trying not to eat because it could turn the magic against him. I was on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what would happen. In the end, the snake is unleashed and the king is dead. I was so happy with that outcome.

What I really liked: I like the peace Nadir feels at the end. With his father dead, you write this: "Nadir lifted his hands to show them free of tremors." This is in contrast to his fidgety hands earlier in the story. It's a great way to show the reader how much peace his father's death has brought. Although, Nadir's uncles continues to say, "There will be no peace for you after this." This is the last line, and it's a great teaser for the reader. We are left wondering if the black magic will haunt Nadir in some way. We wonder if he will become king, and if he will have traitors in his court. It's a great ending. Specifically, I love this line: "The young prince closed the lid over the top of the casket and sat a moment with death in his lap." That really made me sit up and take notice. I couldn't wait to see inside the box.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: Just one minor point ... "I endeavour to improve in all ways I may". You have the period outside of the speech marks here.

Final thoughts: This is an excellent story which had me gripped from the start. I love how different this story is, whilst dealing with issues that are still big in today's society. I love how Nadir overcomes his father, even though he loses a little of his soul in the process. It's really great story.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Legendary❤️Mask Author Icon

I've just read your poem, "I See The Tears She Sheds" Open in new Window., and I would like to offer this review, as part of "OPEN HOUSE" Open in new Window.. It is in a affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" Open in new Window..

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: The very first thing I noticed is I love the title of this poem. Secondly, there shouldn't be an apostrophe in Shed's. As I first read through, I found this to be a really emotional poem. I can tell you put a lot of yourself into this. I love it when I read a poem (or any piece of writing) where the writer has poured their soul into it. It feels like that's what you've done here, and the result is excellent.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This poem is free verse, so there is no set rhythm or rhyme scheme. That suits the subject matter perfectly. Free verse takes out the restrictions and allows you the creativity to express yourself. In this poem, the result is a passionate response to the fantastic job out troops carry out on our behalf. It highlights the price that too many military persons and their families pay on a daily basis. Why? So that we can remain safe. As an English person, I'd never heard of Chris Kyle, so I Googled him. It seems that, even though he didn't die at war, his death was, nonetheless, as a result of war.

Although there are no set rhythm requirements in free verse, there does still need to be a poetic feeling and a rhythm that works. That is the case for most of this poem. If I'm honest, the longer lines throw the rhythm off a little, but it's not a big issue because their content makes up for it.

*StarG* What I really liked: Your passion. I love your voice in this poem. It's genuine, and also really likeable. I also love the way you rhyme tyranny with enemies in the last verse. That really appeals to me. The overall idea of the American flag mourning another fallen hero, and then narrating this poem, is a great one. It's a little different, and I like your creativity.

*StarP* Suggestions: A couple of commas I would take out: " ... waving in all her, glory ..." Also, "Her sons and daughters who gave of themselves, their lives to protect us from tyranny." Both these sentences shouldn't have those commas.

This line confused me a little: "May we still have the right to bear our arms to protect those against our enemies." This reads as those you want to bear arms against people who are fighting your enemies, and I don't think that's what you meant? I would try to rewrite this line, if I were you.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a great poem, Teresa. I really enjoyed reading it. It's thought-provoking and really well written. Great work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Dear Daughters  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Faith Raine Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. It is the Strawberry Surprise review from my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " Open in new Window..

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. I love this poem. The message you convey is such a positive and important one. As I first read through, I found myself relating to every word. As a girl/woman who always struggled with self image, I know this poem is one that a lot of girls could also relate to, and one that might help them to gain some perspective.

Voice/Tone: The tone is one of a wise person imparting her knowledge. The narrator is fairly passionate in her plea to young girls to value themselves for attributes other than their beauty or popularity. Instead, you ask them to look inside, at their intelligence and inner strength. I love that!

Mechanics: I don't think this is any specific form, although it does have an aabbcc, etc. rhyme throughout. There are some great rhymes in there, as well. For example, "The beauty, strength, and so much sass / The things you can do, build, surpass." These lines are great. That sass really does come from within, and not without. There are two places where you change rhyme scheme: "Do more than this generation has ever done / You, yes you daughter / You are the one." I'm not sure why you separate the last two lines here, rather than making them one, so that the flow continues as it has been. Unless, you want to make these lines stand out to show that you are talking to whomever is reading this. Also, the last two lines don't rhyme. You write, "Just know daughters of now that I am here in your corner / Praying for you as hard as I know how." I stumbled over this last line because I'd built up a rhythm with a rhyme scheme, and then you just cut it off at the end. I'm not sure why.

My Favourite Part: The message. Love it. These lines are wonderful: "The intelligence you hide by dumbing yourself down / trying to keep those so-called "friends" around." It's such an accurate observation of what it's like to be a teenage girl. The line I mentioned above, regarding beauty, strength, and sass is also fabulous. Your use of sass here reminds me of Maya Angelou's "Still I Rise." It's so good.

Suggestions: This is more of a typo, than a suggestion. "Find a goo mentor ..." It should be good.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I love your message and your own sass. This poem should be required reading for all pre-teen girls (and, maybe, boys as well). It's such a positive outlook, and I absolutely love it.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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