Hi James Heyward 
I've just finished reading your short story, "Matilda"  , and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of your Turkish Delight package from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .
Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.
My first impressions: Wow. The first thing that struck me as I read this is the rich descriptive voice. The first paragraph is a fantastic hook to the rest of the story. I love this line: "Max scratched at the stubs where his left pinky and ring finger used to be, as he crouched in the brush, wondering." So many thoughts and questions passed through my mind when I read that. There was no way I wouldn't read until the end.
I love your description of the building compound where the branded men might be. "It was nearly four hundred feet tall, with strangler vines and ivy twisting a third of the way up its length." This is a great way of showing the magnitude of the building, and the huge danger that lies in Max going to investigate. It's so nice to read a story that really shows the reader everything from inside the story. I was standing, looking down at the complex, with Max and Spell. By going on to say that Max, like most people, can't read, you show us this is not the world as we know it. It adds to the dangerous feeling, as we don't know what to expect.
Plot: This is a story set in, I think, a future world. Maybe, a fantasy world. I'm not sure, but that's not really important for the purpose of this short story. What I know is, it's not 2018 in the Western world. The two characters are Max and Spell. Max, I think, is a young male. His exact identity is often hidden by a wolf's mask, both to Spell and to the reader. I like that. Spell is a young, frightened girl of between five and seven. She accompanies Max to try to scavenge for scrap metal and other goodies. Their destination is the vast compound, which Max worries is inhabited by the branded men. He sees what he thinks is their sign (the twisted heart) on the building. Despite this, he knows he has to try to find something of value. So he bids Spell to stay where she is, and goes to investigate on his own. Unfortunately, he was right about the branded men, and a fight ensues. The story ends with him being surrounded, and a fire encircling the compound, leaving him with no escape.
I love the scene where Max places the mask back on his face, ready to die as a Cainia (a warrior). Even then, his thoughts are for Spell, and he hops she will get away. That's a nice touch.
What I really liked: There is so much I loved about this story. I love Max's itching finger stubs. That's such a great detail. As I first read through, I found myself wondering who Matilda was, as the two characters are Max and Spell. Near the end, I found out. Matilda is Max's weapon: "something between a cudgel and a sword." Nice. This description is also first class: "He sprinted the last thirty feet, his moccasins whispering over the flat stones ..." I love the "moccasins whispering." It's clever. This description is also excellent. It describes the after effects of the phos-gun: "It hung in the air like a ghostly finger pointing in the direction from which he came ..." This creates a great forewarning that things won't end well for Max. It's also a great visual. I could mention so many other parts. I genuinely loved the whole story.
Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I've put a few suggestions in this dropnote, so you can ignore them if you so wish.
Grammar Suggestions ▼
"Spell, the ragged child stood ..." You need a comma both sides of the ragged child.
"If the branded men laid claim to this place, there would be more here than copper, he knew." You have italicised this sentence, so I assume it's a thought. If that's the case, it should be will instead of would.
"Their mark, the Twisted Heart, was sometimes hard to make out from a far." A far should be one word.
In this line, you capitalise the B in Branded men, but you don't do that anywhere else: "But still, he was wary of the Branded men."
" ... but at this distances there was still enough light ..." It should be distance.
"Across the yard faint orange glow flickered within one of the collapsed building." I would put a in between yard and faint. I would also add an s to building.
Suggestions: I don't know whether this story is a part of a series, or connected to any other stories? I ask because it seems like there is so much I don't know. Like, I know the world has been destroyed once, but who are the branded men who have such riches? And, who are the warrior Cainia? There is no kind of resolution for Spell, and I would love to know whether they killed Max, or severed more body parts. The last line seems a little abrupt. One minute, we're in the height of the fire and Max has been caught by the branded men. Then, you write, "When morning finally came, the air was rank with the smell of blood and smoke, and Max’s knuckles never itched again." I guess, what I'm saying is I want to know more.
Final thoughts: I really enjoyed this story. It's packed full of great description. I was hooked form the first word to the very last. The characters are endearing; Spell, in her innocence; and Max, in his affection for Spell and sense of duty. I loved it. Great work.
Keep writing!
Choconut
|
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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