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2,047 Public Reviews Given
2,066 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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426
426
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi iKïyå§ama

I've just finished reading your short story, "Death's Temptation" , and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: This story hooked me in the very first line, where you say that Death comes in the form of a teenage boy. Right off, I was intrigued by this, and I had to read on. As I continued reading, I loved how you keep the reader guessing as to what is really happening. It's gripping, and I got lost on that ledge with your character.

Plot: This is the story of a woman who (we think) is standing on a ledge, contemplating ending her life. Enter: Death. A cheeky, mocking, slightly smelly, vampiric boy, with a creepy Cheshire Cat grin. I love the description of his teeth: "His teeth, so white against the black, seem to grow longer with feral intensity." The danger in the scene is palpable. The danger in him keeps the reader hooked. We don't know how the story will end. Will Samantha survive, or will he drag her off the ledge or persuade her to jump? I found myself holding my breath as Death and Samantha carried out their dance of courtship. It all feels inevitable, like she can't resist him. I thought she had given in and jumped with him in the paragraph that begins, "My clothes flutter in the wind like gossamer wings and fall to the earth below."

At the end, we learn that this was all a dream. However, it's not your usual character-wakes-up-it's- all-a-dream kind of story. In fact, when she wakes, it becomes eve more intriguing. It appears she is on active duty in a war. This is why she feels guilty, I think. The people she's killed, whether purposely or by accident, are haunting her. What is really interesting is how the companion in her tent is Death from her dreams. I wonder if he is the ghost of someone she killed, or maybe it's like she has PTSD. It's no wonder she feels that Death is all around her, when she is in the middle of a war zone. I'm sure many soldiers feel this way. In fact, if they don't feel it a little, I'm not sure they would be great soldiers.

What I really liked: I love the whole relationship between Samantha and Death. The suspense is so well defined. You've nailed it. I really like the double twist at the end, where she was dreaming, but the lad she is now with was also Death. Very clever ending.

Final thoughts: This is a really well written story, and you had me absorbed in it the whole way through. I felt for Samantha's character, and I understood the temptation of Death. A really great story.

Keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.
Sig for nominees


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
427
427
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Scarlett

I've just finished reading your short story, "Thongs ain't what they used to be" , and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: This I saw this in the Comedy Newsletter, and I loved the title, so I thought I'd give it a read. And I'm glad I did. It's so funny, and it had me laughing the whole way through. As I started reading, I wasn't sure where the story would take me. I've literally just noticed the play on words with Thongs *Facepalm*. I didn't spot that before. I read it as Things. I can't believe I missed that! Now, I love the title even more!

As I started reading, you hooked me immediately with your description of the "not-so-blushing bride." I've seen a few of those before. Then, this line made me laugh: "Now introduced, they scan each other rapidly, with minimum eye movement, as only women can do." Such a keen observation. And so funny.

Plot: This is a scene at a wedding. Two women who have never met before are introduced, and they hit it off straight away. Enter: Elaine. This third guest at the table is described with witch-like features and as being mean and fat and, generally, unpleasant. When she insults a young woman on the dance floor, trouble brews. She makes nasty comments on her clothes and her dance moves. She then says, "I’d certainly never allow my daughter to expose herself like that." Oh, the reader gets a nasty feeling at this point. And with good reason. it just happens to be Julie's daughter. Penny (her new ally) decides to poke fun at the nasty lady and starts a conversation about thongs. Once enough outrage has been induced, Penny and Julie head to the dance floor then shout a parting comment to Elaine: "KNICKERS!" Oh, that's hilarious. I could see the indignation on this woman's face. I love your last line as well: "Yep, even the cake is in tiers." Sooo funny. This kind of read as a standup routine. I could imagine someone standing in front of an audience, telling this tale and getting lots of laughs.

What I really liked: All of the above! I love the humour. It really appeals to me, and I genuinely laughed the whole way through. After Elaine says her husband married her for her mind, this line is perfect: "Julie and Penny share the same thought silently. No need to voice that one." I also love this line: "Penny, now realising that all hope of polite conversation is lost, decides to put her wooden spoon skills into action." That's a great way of saying that.

Final thoughts: I have no suggestions to make. I wouldn't change a thing (or a thong) about this. It's thoroughly enjoyable. I love the revenge that Penny and Julie achieve over Elaine. I think most of us have met some Elaines in our time, so it was great to see her get her comeuppance. Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

My September 2017 PDG signature. Made by Hannah.
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428
428
Review of Misplaced Love  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Beck Firing back up!

I've just finished reading your short story, "Misplaced Love" , and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: The first thing to say is I really feel for Dante. He comes across as a sympathetic character, with his weakling body and lack of self confidence. Additionally, Chester is horrible! He is a nasty, little bully. He's always telling Dante he doesn't stand a chance with the girl of his his dreams; the beautiful Betsy. Your characterisation in this story is great, and that really stood out to me.

Plot: This is a story about a farmworker called Dante who is hopelessly in love with Betsy. Betsy walks by his farm twice a day, and he is desperate to get the courage to speak to her and ask her out. But she doesn't know he exists. Dante's co-worker, Chester is just mean. Constantly making fun of Dante and chiding him, he does nothing to help him approach Betsy. I was a little confused by this part: "You could have any other girl around here that you wanted." Chester says this to Dante after putting him down and telling him how undesirable he is. Also, after Dante has mentioned his small-boy body. So, why do all the girls want him?

What I really liked: Dante. He really grabbed my heart. Also, even though I didn't like Chester, you wrote his character really well. I thought the premise was interesting. I found myself rooting for Dante, and I felt really sorry for him at the end.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: Just one typo: "Her soft, straight hair shown in the sunlight of the summer morning." I think it should be shone.

Suggestions: Rex kind of appeared from nowhere and stole Betsy right at the end. It would have been good to see more conflict at this point in the story. I thought she might have overheard what Rex said to Dante and fallen into Dante's arms, rejecting Rex. I appreciate it is flash fiction, but I guess I would have liked a little more resolution. Even a fight between Rex and Dante would have been good. I have a question. When Betsy approaches, we hear her cow bell. She's not a cow, is she? I'm thinking she's probably herding cows, but I just thought I'd check.

You mentioned a lot of names in this story. Seven, in just 552 words. The paragraph where you mention all the girls who like Dante, you could take most of that out, which would leave you more words at the end to elaborate.

Final thoughts: I enjoyed this story. You have created some great characters. Even Rex, who we only meet briefly, makes a big impression on the reader. It's a great tale of unrequited love. Great job.

Keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.
Sig for nominees


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
429
429
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi fyn

I've just finished reading your short story, "Purple Christmas Magic" , and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: I saw this story in the newsfeed, and when I saw the title, I couldn't resist. As I first read through, I got caught up in the whole magic of Christmas theme. It really does read as though it was a magical time. I think it's a wonderful idea; to sprinkle Christmas Magic over all the presents and through the house. It's a beautiful, heartwarming story. I had a smile on my face the whole way through. Really enjoyable. When I read the part at the end, where you say it's biographical, I thought how wonderful Christmases must have been in your house.

Plot: This is the story of a ten year old girl who thinks she is too old to believe in Santa Clause or to have her photograph taken with him at the mall. However, after much coaxing from her mother and grandmother, she goes to see Santa at the mall, and the gift she tells him she wants for Christmas (and how he manages to deliver on this) restores her faith that he is real. I love the scene on Christmas morning where Cara is so excited to see the purple magic. There is a letter that Santa has left for her, and all three children say it isn't their mother's handwriting. I love how you don't explain this in the story, leaving your readers to wonder whether it really was Santa who wrote it.

What I really liked: There are some great descriptions in here. I love the detail of the mother tucking the stray, blond curl behind her daughter's ear. It impresses on the reader the girl's youth, even though she feels she is too old for Santa. I also love the description of the mall when they first enter: "The mall was a chaotic swirl of excited kids, harried-looking moms, dancing Christmas lights, singing carolers and people everywhere!" I could hear the bustle of the mall. Also, the "harried-looking moms" is such a great visual. I could picture and feel the whole scene vividly.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: Just two minor points. " It could be seeing a deer in the woodsThey . . . " You missed the period and space here. Also, "He looked at her, peering over half-glasses and stroking a beard that had to be real!" I would put a period rather than an exclamation mark. Just my opinion.

Final thoughts: I loved reading this story. It's a lovely, family Christmas story, filled with warmth, happiness, and love. It has everything a good Christmas story should have. It's wonderful.

Keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.
Sig for nominees


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
430
430
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Moarzjasac

I've just finished reading your short story, "The White paper Christmas" , and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers"  :

My first impressions: This story begins with a fantastic description of the start of peace time in Christmas 1945. Instantly, I was hooked. As I continued to read, it was so easy to put myself inside the story. All your descriptions are rich, and they paint a wonderful, warm picture of your family who—on the surface of it—had very little, but in the bigger scheme of things, they had everything they could possibly need. By the end, I had a tears in my eyes. The love and togetherness is so strong in this piece. It's absolutely beautiful.

Plot: I think this is probably written from your own personal experience, rather than being a story. It reads as part of your memoirs (which, if you haven't written, I'm sure would be really interesting). A family are relocating at the end of the Second World War. I want to quote this line, which is quite a long quote, but I couldn't cut any of it: "The exodus of just discharged service men from all over the country filled the two-lane roads from both coasts with box-shaped cars that wheezed and coughed their way painfully over mountains and across the high plains in the center of the country." This is so good! The cars coughing and wheezing is a description I've never encountered before. It feels fresh and unique, and I love it. The whole story is written in this way. The description of the journey in the car with the leaky, canvas roof and your entire family belongings packed inside is great. And the Christmas description is so heartwarming. Christmas was made entirely from your parents' ingenuity and love. What more could anyone need? It reminded me a little of my own parents. They would always rather make things themselves, than spend money on buying it.

What I really liked: The feeling of love. I can sense the feelings of nostalgia, in telling this story. This is the line that brought tears to my eyes: "Each night we would gather by the old potbelly stove, cuddle in its warm aura, with a tummy full of hearty stew and the knowledge of how much we were loved." That is so moving. Such happy memories.

Suggestions: Just a minor thing. You have the second, third, and fourth paragraphs all together, with no spaces between them. I would separate them out.

Final thoughts: Well, I think you have probably guessed I love this story. It's one of those stories that pulled me into it and held me tight until the end. It's beautifully written. Love it!

Keep writing!

Choconut

My September 2017 PDG signature. Made by Hannah.
Sig for nominees


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
431
431
Review of Dear...  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi ruwth

I read your poem, "Dear..." , when I was judging "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest"  last month, and I would like to offer this review as part of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: This is such a positive poem. It really brought a smile to my face. This is written as a conversation with yourself. You set it up with you looking in the mirror, asking yourself questions that could provide you with answers for how to like yourself more. I love how you start out asking, "What would it take for you / to like me again?" This part is quite emotional. I can really relate to this conversation. I've asked myself the same questions time and again. When you get to the lines, "Will you please accept me / right where I am today?" I really felt moved. This turmoil of trying to like and accept yourself, when for so long it's been out of the question, is such a hard battle to overcome. People who have never been there wouldn't understand. I think it makes you a stronger person in the end, though.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: You say this poem was originally written as a letter, and that shines through in the poem. It gives a wonderful rhythm to the narrative. The poem is free verse, so there is no rhyme scheme, but I actually prefer free verse. I think it gives you the scope to be much more creative, and to pour emotions into your writing. I love that.

*StarG* What I really liked: I love the ending. These lines, in particular, "If you will, I am sure / we can build beautiful / tomorrows." I also love the, "Deal or no deal? / Deal!" at the end. This poem is so positive. Its message is that once you start to love yourself and treat yourself kindly, every aspect of your life is easier to deal with and improve. I think a lot of people could benefit from reading this, ruwth. I could imagine it being read at a motivational speech.

*StarP* Suggestions: This is only a tiny thing, and it may just be my preference. I'm not sure about the centering of the poem. I understand you've done this because it's a letter, and it does work. But, I just wonder if it would be more visually appealing if you left aligned it?

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a really well-written, emotional, clever poem. I really enjoyed reading it, and I really do think it should be read by many. I hope you are managing to build your beautiful days and to love yourself through all of them.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.
Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
432
432
Review of The Darkness  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Mouser

I've just read your poem, "The Darkness" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: This is a poem of two parts. There is the wonderful description of what it's like to suffer from depression, and how it drags you down, snuffing out (almost) all hope of salvation. And then, there is the part of the poem where you say that although you are, "Shaky, weary and battered," you manage to fight your way out of the depths, and "Toward the light." At the end, you say that you know the beast has only withdrawn for now, and that it will return at some point. I guess, what I'm saying is this poem is a wonderful description of what it's like to live with the burden of depression. I could relate to every single word. I love how you show the reader how the pain is both mental and physical by saying, "With pain of body and soul."

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This poem is free verse, so there is no rhyme scheme. I love free verse poetry, especially in poems where emotion is a key component. So it works really well here. Each verse is slightly different in structure. I like this because it highlights the change in the contents of them. I love the repetition of "Losing . . . " at the end of the second verse. It hits home. If I'm honest, I didn't think the rhythm was completely smooth. It seemed to lack a little fluidity in places on my first read-through. After I'd read it once, though, it flowed much better.

*StarG* What I really liked: I love how you start and end the poem by saying the darkness is "always waiting." I also really like this part: "Most often it is only / A glimpse - / Out of the corner of my eye." That feeling of impending doom, of having the black dog on shoulder, is really moving. The image of light being drained by the monster is really nice, also.

*StarP* Suggestions: There are a couple of places where I would take out the commas. "With pain of body and soul," The following line begins with That, and there shouldn't be commas before this word. Also, "At last free," I wouldn't put a comma here either. It breaks up the flow a little.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a poignant poem about the struggles of depression, and it has some lovely images that are very relatable. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

My September 2017 PDG signature. Made by Hannah.
Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
433
433
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Anne Arthur

I am happy to be reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E] Review Raid!

My first thoughts: Wow. That is my first thought. This is wonderful. Your writing style is warm and descriptive and, from the very first sentence, I was completely immersed in the story. When I read the line, "Stroking his thick, black mustache with his slim sun-browned hands, he nodded." I knew I was reading something really special. That "sun-browned hands" description is so vivid. I could see Stefan in my mind, and the description made me fall in love with your writing.

Plot: This is the story of a woman called Klara. It's a memoir, looking back at this woman's life, when she dies. The setting is a house that is too big for only the narrator's grandmother to live in, and so has to be split into more rooms for refugees and people who have lost everything in the war. The unity and the way these families all look out for one another is incredible. Although, this is written about a time of great pain and sorrow, it sounds like a wonderful place to be. They had little, yet they had so much. It kind of reminded me of 'The Book Thief' a little. I love that book, too.

Characters: This is told from the point of view of the granddaughter of the owner of the house. So everything we see is through her young, naive eyes. It's great to have a slightly unreliable narrator like this one. I think you actually see more truth this way. I love the way you portray all the characters. I love the relationship between the narrator and Klara. Her kindness shines through. I wonder whether she ever went on to have her own family. Could she even have children of her own? There is so much more I would love to know about this woman. About Stefan and everyone in the story.

What I liked: All of it! I love the way you pull your readers inside the story, with the intoxicating smells of baked apples and cinnamon and the image of the goose feathers flying every time someone opened the door. It all seems to innocent and loving and warm.

Suggestions: You may have already started to do this, but I think this could be turned into a whole book about this period in time and about Klara's life. I would read that, for sure.

You have probably guessed that I love this story. But, more than that, I love your writing style. It's welcoming and grabs the reader, then holds them tight until the end of the story. Plus, you actually leave us wanting more. I hope you do write more. I absolutely love this!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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434
434
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Tina McClintock

I am happy to be reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E] Review Raid!

My first thoughts: As I first read through, I wondered what would happen between your two characters: would they get back together in the end? Would Steve be telling the truth? Did Vera really want to go there again? I was glad when, in the end, they kissed. I feel Steve probably has a lot of making up to do, though.

Plot: This is the story of lonely woman, sitting in a coffee shop on her own on Valentine's Day. She's a little resentful of all the people around her, in couples, when she hasn't been in a relationship for the last fifteen years: ever since the love of her life, Steve, ran away from her at the altar. Enter: Steve. A voice says her name from behind her and she immediately knows it belongs to Steve. The story he comes up with for having left her at the altar is one, I have to be honest, I would not have believed. He says he was undercover with the FBI, and he had to leave for her own safety. Hmmm. Likely story, I would have thought. But he says he can prove this, by taking Vera to his office which just happens to be near by. Here is one of the problems I have. Vera lives and works near by. Steve, when he goes to the office, is known by everyone there, suggesting he's been working there for some time. So, how come they have never bumped into each other before? He says he was too afraid to approach her. So, what is different about this day?

Characters: Steve broke Vera's heart so badly, she hasn't had a relationship since. She even moved to Canada for a short while to escape her memories. Yet, when he shows up and tells unbelievable tales of undercover FBI work, she goes with him without hesitation. It just felt a little stretched, to me. I get that she still loves him, but it all seems a little too easy. It would be great to see a little more depth to the characters. Show us their feelings. Show us how shaky Vera is, how her whole world has been unsettled for the second time by this man. There is so much you could do with these two.

Grammar: Just a few typos. " . . . dressed to impress. it was too late . . . " You need to capitalise it. Also, " . . . why couldnt he be bald at least." Firstly, you need to put an apostrophe in couldn't. Also, you're asking a question, so you need to end the sentence with a question mark. The other thing is you change point of view in one place. The whole story is written in the third person, then you write, "'Wait, I can prove it!' He came after me. He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around." This temporary switch to the first person is a little off-putting.

What I liked: Despite what I've written above, I love the line, "why couldnt he be bald at least." This made me laugh out loud. I think we've all been there when meeting an ex who you want to be not doing as well as you, then you see them looking beautiful. I also loved the premise for this story. I would love to know what happens next with them.

Suggestions: I know Steve is no longer working undercover for the FBI, but I still wasn't sure he would have been able to talk in so much detail about his role with them. Also, the way he says he worked on the recent serial killer case. Again, could he really talk so freely about this? I don't know. Maybe, just check it out.

This is an enjoyable story. I like how the couple kiss at the end. It's a nice ending. With a few tweaks, and a little more characterisation, I think it could be really great.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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435
435
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi amy-Has a great future ahead

Welcome to this "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Review Raid!


Once again, I apologise this has taken a few days for me to write, but things have been a little hectic here. Anyway, I've now read your article, and I'd like to offer the following comments.

*Starv* The first thing to say is there is very little I would change about this. As I first read it, I could relate so much to your thoughts about trying out different genres until you find the one that is meant for you. If I'm honest, I'm still doing that, to a certain extent. I like to try a little of all kinds of genres. Even though, I'm pretty sure I've found my voice and my genre. By writing about this process, you assure newer writers that it is okay not to know straight away what you want to write. I like the reassuring feeling it gave me.

*Starv* The one area I would maybe add a little to is where you say that you decided children's writing isn't for you, and then you say the same about horror. I was interested to know why not. Particularly, with horror writing, as you said your story was published and you enjoyed writing it. So, I wondered how you knew it wasn't for you?

*Starv* Just one tiny word change I would make: "If you do you will find that genre that ignites your readers' imaginations . . . " Rather than using two thats close together, I would change the second one to which.

This is an interesting, informative article. As I said, there is very I would change. It leaves me with questions I would ask, if I was part of your Facebook Group, and I think that's really important. It's a great piece, Amy.

Choconut

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436
436
Review of Dear Dad  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tommy Mooney

I've just finished reading your short story, "Dear Dad" , and I'd like to offer the following comments on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" 

My first impressions: This is incredibly moving. The scene between Connor and his friend, where you show all the feelings that go along with grief, is so accurate. I'm guessing, from your brief description, it is from your own personal experience? Whether it is or not, it's so very, very moving.

Plot: It's not really a plot, as such. Rather, this is a scene. Connor (who I think is late-teen/early twenties) has just lost his dad. He is feeling guilty because he doesn't believe he was a nice son to have. He feels guilty for all the times he didn't want to do things with his dad, for all the times he was moody, for all the times he acted like the teenager he was. This guilt can be crippling, can't it? It's funny how people have a tendency to focus on all the things they didn't do, and not all the wonderful, happy things they did do; all the times they were there for their loved ones. It's really hard to stop focussing on the bad things. But, in the end, if you want to get through your grief, you have to accept all of that stuff and let it go.

I love the interaction between Connor and his girlfriend. It feels natural and they seem—in spite of the situation—really comfortable with each other. Their intimacy is really heartwarming, and you've written this really well.

What I really liked: The brutal honesty of this piece. It can't have been easy to write, which makes the impact even greater. You have voiced the thoughts and worries of most people who suffer bereavement. I would recommend this for anyone who is feeling the things you describe. It might help them to know they are not alone.

Suggestions: The only place I wasn't sure about is this line: "She rested her chin on his shoulder, drawing one arm out from between his knees and body and bringing up to sit atop his head." I just couldn't visualise this. It didn't feel very smooth to me.

Final thoughts: This is a great piece which draws the reader into the world of grief, showing them how it feels when you lose someone you love. It's a really great piece of writing.

Keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.
Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
437
437
Review of You Wouldn't know  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi RainyDayNostalgia

I've just read your poem, "You Wouldn't know" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" .

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Wow. The emotion in this poem is incredible. As I first read through, I continually found myself thinking how much I can relate to your words. I love this kind of poetry. It's my favourite kind to read, and you have done a really great job with this one. I think it's clever how you start out by saying all the bad things that are going on behind your smile and how much you struggle. You then move on to say the things that make living worthwhile. You end by saying that you're trying to feel better, and this is what you need to help you. I love the progression, from someone who is fragile and holding back from the ones she loves, to someone who is going to "bare her heart" and take a chance. I love it!

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This is a free verse poem, which is my favourite kind. I love how it gives you the freedom to bare your emotions so eloquently. I like the three refrains you use in this poem. I really like how you follow them all with longer lines, which give a little more insight into you. However, I would make those lines shorter. Even if you just split them in half, it would still work. As it is at the moment, it looks a little rough. When you read it, it's more like a piece of prose than poetry. Because the lines are so long, they lose some of their poeticism. That's not to say I don't think they're great; because I do. But I would shorten them a little.

*StarG* What I really liked: The emotion. I love these lines: "I live for / our quiet conversations, when the world seems but a distant memory." These lines really stood out for me. They describe so well the way it's the little, seemingly-insignificant things in life that really mean the most.

*StarP* Suggestions: This is a tiny point. The line, "what was once, our long walks at 3am." I love the words, but there shouldn't be a comma after once.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a great poem. The emotion had me from the start. I do think it could use a few tweaks, with regards to line lengths, but I absolutely love it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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438
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Write or Die

I've just read your poem, ""I Lost My $#@?& Car Keys"" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" .

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: My first thought is: I don't know Joshua, but I do know he is going to love this poem! I can imagine him giggling all the way through. I know I did! Straight from the first line, the humour is wonderful. It's perfect for a five year old, but also for adults. I found it really funny. What woman hasn't seen her husband, blundering around, looking for his lost car keys (or flashlight, or spectacles, etc.)?

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: The rhyme is really nicely done, making the rhythm also really great. The poem reads almost like a nursery rhyme. It's definitely the kind of verse a child could learn by heart (and taunt their Daddy with, if they wanted).

There is one place the meter seems a little off, and that is the line: "When he kicked our poor cat Puff." It sounds like there are too many syllables, or maybe it is a slightly different meter. I stumbled over it a little when I first read through. It's not a huge thing, but I thought I would mention it.

*StarG* What I really liked: The humour. It really appeals to me, probably because I know the scene all-too well. It's hard to pick out my favourite lines because they are all fantastic. I love, "his nose is out of socket." That's a great way of finding a rhyme for pocket. Similarly, the rhymes of jiggle and giggle are just fab! I think the second verse is my favourite. The visuals you create in this verse are hilarious. Then, these lines: "I can't repeat what he just said. / But it sure is fun to listen." Oh, they made me laugh so much. Again, the image it creates in my mind is so familiar.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: Poor Puff the cat. Luckily, he does have nine lives. I love the warm and happy feeling this poem creates. It's like a snapshot of happy family life. It's a piece of fun, written for a five year old, who I'm sure finds it hilarious. Absolutely brilliant! I love it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of The Letter  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Faith Raine

I've just read your poem, "The Letter" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" .

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Oh, my word. This poem has made me cry. It's beautifully written. The message is exactly what anyone who has ever lost someone they love needs to read. In the first couple of lines, you offer hope by saying, "But I'm not far from thee." As I first read through, I found myself welling up more and more, and then I reached the last verse. Oh! I like to write helpful reviews, with lots of suggestions, but this poem has me mesmerised. It's hard to be objective.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: There are six quatrains, and the first five have a rhyme scheme of abab. The last stanza, however, doesn't have any rhyme. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it would work a little better if it followed the same rhyme scheme. That said, it really doesn't detract from the natural rhythm of the poem. It flows nicely through each verse, reading like a letter from a loved one. Which is exactly what you intended.

*StarG* What I really liked: All of it! I love the hope that it offers people who are bereaved. It's a poem that is filled with love and warmth and light. "I loved you then, I love you now / I'll love you ever still." This is the point where I went from having a tear in my eye to crying. These lines are also great: "Remember it's okay to laugh, / To even crack a smile." This is something anyone who is caught up in grief needs to be told. Because it feels so wrong to forget, even for a moment.

*StarP* Suggestions: I wasn't entirely sure about these lines: "Each time we said, "I Love You," even if / whispered into the air." Enjambment is a great tool to use in poetry, but I just felt it was a little off in these lines. It made them read less smoothly than the rest of the poem.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This poem has twisted my heart, making me think about my own losses. It reminds me of the "Death Is Nothing At All" poem. It's comforting and really, really beautiful.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Driftwood  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Aiden Chelsey

I've just read your poem, "Driftwood" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" 

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I was intrigued by your title when I saw this poem in the Noticing Newbies newsletter. I think it works wonderfully for a metaphor of the thoughts and memories of a person with Alzheimer's. It's really clever, and as I first read through, I became lost in the haunting images you create. It's a really moving poem. The Biblical references throughout are really nicely done. The image of "Judas haunting the garden" is really good.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: There are six quatrains, all with an abcb rhyme scheme, and this rhyme helps the poem to flow really nicely. In addition to this, the a and c lines almost rhyme each time. I think that is probably intentional, and it's a really nice trick to use. There is a wonderful, natural rhythm, and when you read the poem aloud, it sounds great.

*StarG* What I really liked: All of it! From your bold first line: "I've dined at the table of kings," I love every word of this. (Should it be tables, though?) These lines are particularly emotive: "Memories scattered in landscapes / like driftwood on tides of remorse." That is the most beautiful use of imagery. It really is. Also, "Concealed by white picket fences / Where memories unravel like thread." You have a unique way of seeing things; a poet's vision, I like to call it.

*StarBr*Queries: I do have one query. For most of the poem, you seem to be writing as though it's the narrator who has Alzheimer's. But, when you start to write about Mary and conversing with Jesus, I thought maybe it was the narrator speaking about someone they are close to. I got a little bit confused by that part. I'm sure it's just me, but I thought I would mention it.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: It was a pleasure to read this poem of yours. I have to say I'm excited to read more from you and to see where you take your talent. This poem is beautiful and haunting and really, really emotional. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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441
441
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Savanna Klavano

I've just read your poem, "Reflexion of Seasonal Strolls" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" .

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: As I first read through, I found myself smiling. The poem is a lovely picture of nature at its most gentle and relaxed. It made me feel warm and happy.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This is a chain of four haiku, and the rhythm lies in their 5, 7, 5 syllabic count. This works all the way through really nicely, except for the second line of the first haiku: "flowers pushing through soil." This is only six syllables. You could add the word the before soil to make it seven syllables. That said, it doesn't detract from the overall effect of the poem. I'm just being picky, and I would only change that line to make it four exact haiku.

The poem has a great rhythm. It flows really well and tells your readers a story of the changing seasons. I did wonder who this line is about: "Sweat trickles from brow." I assume it is the narrator, as he is watching the animals playing. I was just a little confused because the next line reads, "the smell of the river tempts." It kind of reads as thought the smell of the river is tempting whoever owns the sweaty brow. Maybe I'm just overthinking this.

*StarG* What I really liked: "I watch the cubs swim." There's something really refreshing and joyful about this line. I could picture the baby bears splashing and playing in the water. It's a beautiful image. I love the way you follow nature through the seasons. One of the ways you show us the marching time is by saying, "Fawns now full-grown deer." Again, what a beautiful image that conjures up! I really love your imagery. It's great. The whole poem feels as though it has an orange and yellow glow to it. It emits warmth.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a beautiful poem. I really like it, and I think you have a natural talent for creating great imagery. If you're interested in writing haiku and haiku chains, can I suggest you look up the haiku sonnet? It's a lovely form that consists of four haikus, then a couplet of (usually) 7, 5 at the end. It's a form I particularly love, and I think you could write a great one.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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442
442
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Diane

I've just finished reading your short story, "Disappeared (chapter)" , and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: Oh! Poor Lucinda! Before I began reading, I expected this story to be told from the point of view of the girl's mother; not the girl. This is a nice twist to have Lucinda narrate this.

Plot: Eight year old Lucinda is waiting for her older sister (who is always late) to collect her from school. When a van pulls up to her and a woman gets out, claiming to have come on behalf of her mother, the child warily gets into the van. I love the way you show her thinking about stranger danger and all the reasons she shouldn't get into the van. She has a feeling she shouldn't trust the woman. But she said her mother sent her, so she ignores her doubts. The story plays out with Lucinda seeing three other children in the van, all tied up and blindfolded. They are all driven to a hovel somewhere she doesn't recognise. Inside the house, there are lots of other children and women.

I have to admit, I felt the story was unfinished. We see Lucinda arrive at the house, but we don't know exactly what the kidnappers' intentions are. We also don't know whether her mother will find her. In your description, you ask the question of whether she will be found. But it's not really answered because Lucinda's story doesn't really end here.

What I really liked: The plot. It's cleverly written and it kept me hooked right until the end. I love the way you build up the suspense at the beginning, with Marta being late, and Lucinda wet, cold, and fed up. We know something will happen. Then, when it does, the suspense builds through Lucinda's fears. I also love the description of the boy who knocked Lucinda over, when she sees him at the house: "A small boy, feral, a runt, comes close." Just in that little description, we know the boy is abused and misused. It gives us a great picture of him.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed this story. You write beautifully, and you have created great characters. Even though we only saw snippets of the kidnappers, we have wonderful images of them. I would love you to write more of this story. I really want to know if/how Lucinda escapes.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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443
Review of Behind My Mind  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi J.N.Z

I've just finished reading your short story, "Behind My Mind" , and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: My first thoughts: I love this story. I love your title, and your brief description intrigued me. As I began reading, you kept me hooked with your descriptions of what Aurora was seeing that wasn't really there. I had to know what was wrong with her. I also had to know that she was going to be okay. So, great job with making me care about the main character.

Plot: Aurora is a girl who doesn't see things the same way as others. In her first day at a new school (I assume it's a new school), she sees a monster and he chases her out of the classroom. The next day, she doesn't want to go to school, and when she does, her class all laugh at her. All, except one girl. She asks Aurora what's wrong, and Aurora tells her she has schizophrenia. I love how Joslyn doesn't judge her. I love the ending. It's really moving.

What I really liked: The end. I also love the way you create such a fragile, vulnerable character in Aurora. I wanted so badly for things to get better for her. And, in the end, they did. She had a friend, which meant she became less vulnerable and stronger. I love this character. This description, from when Aurora sees the monster, is fantastic: "Wisps of darkness linger near it."

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation:

Dropnote ▼

Suggestions: My only suggestion is to watch your tenses. This piece is written in the present tense. But there are a few places where you use the past tense. For example, at the beginning, you say, "The cracks now had oozing liquid spreading out." Another example is where you say, "Once I looked up I recognize the girl from my bus." Just make sure you stick to one tense. That's my only suggestion.

Final thoughts: This is a well written story that has a great emotional pull. Your character is beautifully crafted, and I would love to read more stories about her. She is compelling. You've done a great job here.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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444
444
Review of Haunting Home  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi sjd_write

I've just finished reading your short story, "Haunting Home" , and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: I wasn't sure what to expect when I began reading this story. But I was intrigued by your brief description. As I first read through, I really enjoyed the story. It's entertaining, and it kept me hooked until the end. I wanted to know what the main character had to do to complete his list.

Plot: This is the story of a teenage lad who is killed in a car accident. You show him, firstly, as stuck; unable to move. He can see his dead body being worked on by the doctors, then he wakes at the funeral home, sees his own funeral, and then, something changes. He starts to fall and can move his body. He lands on the ground, being held by a girl about his age. But his sight is still black and white. In order to get his colour vision back, there are tasks he must complete. You show him saying his goodbyes to his family and, once that is done, he can see again. I like how you end the story with your character flying away to go have fun, haunting people.

I did think you could have shown a little more emotion in this piece. It's potentially a really moving story. But, the character doesn't really feel much. For example, when he awakes in the funeral home, he doesn't know where he is. But you don't show any fear in him, which I would have thought he would feel. It's all very matter-of-fact. You give us a list of what happens, but that reminds us you're telling a story. It doesn't pull the reader inside, so they can see and feel things from the character's point of view.

What I really liked: "That done, I flew away into the night sky, in search of someone to spook. Now the fun could begin." The last line is brilliant! It made me smile. Also, in spite of what I said earlier about emotion, I liked the light tone to this. I liked the positivity.

Suggestions: I have a tip regarding the presentation. Double space in between paragraphs. As it is at the moment, it's all a little bunched up. It would look more appealing to readers if it was separated.

Final thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story. I came away from it feeling warm and happy. It's a nice take on this difficult subject.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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445
445
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Myles Abroad

I've just finished reading your short story, "Going Home to Say Goodbye" , and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: This is a story that tugged at my heartstrings from the very first line. I love how you set up the leaden sky and drizzle as a way of reflecting the main character's emotions. He has just attended his mother's funeral, and now wants some time alone to revisit his mother's home—his childhood home.

Plot: This is an emotive story in which the reader sees Jimmy (a man who is grieving) imagining a conversation between himself and his deceased mother. You do a great job of showing his grief. The scene in the kitchen is really moving. I love how his mother tells him he has to live his life and not worry about her and not get lost in his grief. I think that's what any loving mother would say to their child, isn't it. At the end of the story, I'm not sure whether his mother's spirit was really there, or whether his grief played a trick on him. You don't clarify, which I like. I'm glad we can reach our own conclusions. (I think she was really there.)

What I really liked: The part where Jimmy first walks up to his old home, and you describe the memories that flood his mind. I love that paragraph. It brought a tear to my eye. I could relate to it. Then, when he first enters the house, and calls, "Mammy. It's Jimmy..." That induced a few more tears!

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: There are some run-on sentences, but they didn't detract from the impact of the story. One example of this is, "She sat down, took a sip of her tea and placed the delicate cup back on the saucer, the shake in her grip causing a rattle of the Delph." I would change it to, "She sat down and took a sip of her tea. When she replaced the cup in the saucer, her shaking hand caused the Delph to rattle." Something like that. Watch how many semi colons you use. Make sure they are the right punctuation mark. Check that a period or comma wouldn't work better.

Final thoughts: This is a really well written, moving story. I love the tenderness with which you write. It's a story I could relate to a lot, and I think you have written a fantastic piece.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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446
446
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Author Ed Anderson

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E].

My first thoughts: I love your title. I was intrigued to read this, as I'm a fan of film noir. I love the humour you use in this story, and I could totally see it as a play. I could picture the scene in my head as I read the narrative.

Plot: Firstly, I love the way you casually say, "When I was alive, tequila was like water." That made me sit up and take notice. Great job with that. The plot is a kind of farce situation, where three roommates have a "session" with a Senator. All three roommates have secrets they don't want to become public. But then, the morning after their drinking session, the Senator disappears, then is murdered. They all have motives, but who did it? It's a great plot. It reminded me of "An Inspector Calls." The villain of this piece, however, is identifiable. The Senator's wife. The police are called, and she is caught (after confessing).

I felt the story seemed a little hurried. It would have been good to see a little more of the fear and panic the roommates feel. Also, it would have been good to see some of the party, to get more of a feel for the characters.

Characters: The narrator is the dead grandmother of one of the roommates. I understand why you did this, and why you told it as her narration, but it would have been great to see it from one of the characters' points of view. You would have been able to give the reader more details by doing that. As it is, we didn't really get to know any of the characters very well.

What I liked: I love the farcical feeling it has. That's one of the reasons I think it would work so well as a play. It's quite a physical read, rather than an emotional one. I really like the plot. I think there is a lot more you could do with that.

Suggestions: I would work on the first line. That line is really important to hook the reader. "Four faces scrunched up as another tequila shot went down their throats." Firstly, I've learned recently that making body parts move of their own volition isn't the best way to describe things. So, rather than saying, "Four faces scrunched up," maybe you could say something like, "The four twenty-somethings scrunched up their faces." Also, saying the tequila, "went down their throats" is a bit of a bland description. Maybe, the tequila shots, "burned their throats."

This is a great example of film noir. It's an enjoyable read, and I would love to read (or watch) the play, if you ever turn it into one.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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447
447
Review of Birds That Mimic  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi amy-Has a great future ahead

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

I've read your piece about birds and conservation, as requested. I have a few suggestions. They're only minor, and on the whole I think it's really informative and really useful for anyone wanting to hunt birds.

*Starv* Your first sentence is written in the passive voice, by saying, "making sure that species populations are protected." I would change it to something like, "A big part of conservation is making sure we protect the many species' populations, so they can reproduce for another season." It's not a big change, but I think it makes it a little stronger.

*Starv* The second sentence I would change slightly. I know long sentences can be frowned upon as run-on, but I think this one would work. I would say, " . . . but means that the species is no longer available for hunting, therefore, eliminating a lot of the enjoyment of hunting." Again, I'm suggesting that because of passive vs. active voice. Also, I think heartbreaking should be one word.

*Starv* " . . . but do mimic the birds that can." I would take out do.

*Starv* "They can, also, mimic the aggressive call of the eagle." I would switch also for even and lose the commas surrounding it.

That's it. As I said above, I think this is a really interesting piece, and I'm sure your Facebook group will love it. I have to say, I was fascinated by your descriptions of blue jays. We don't get them over here, so I've only ever seen pictures. I had no ideas they were such good mimics. Blackbirds are probably the greatest mimics we get over here. They can sound like lots of other birds.

I hope this is helpful.

Rachel

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448
448
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi C Scott Gray

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* As soon as I saw your title and brief description, I had to read this piece. And I'm really glad I did! It's absolutely hilarious, and it had me laughing on just about every line. It really appeals to my sense of humour. This is the story of a man who has died . . . Or has he? Yes. He has. But he just doesn't know it. A couple of weeks after his funeral, he arrives at his son's house as he has nowhere else to stay. I love this description: "So he came here. Sill had a bit of mud smeared on his suit, and stuck in his hair, of course (it was raining. I imagine if it had been a dry, sunny day, this wouldn't have been the case)." It paints a wonderful picture of this corpse, hair and clothes muddied, standing in the doorway, as though it's perfectly natural. Love it!

*StarV* It's hard to choose which parts to highlight as my favourites, as I could literally quote any of it. This line, though, made me laugh a lot: "So the maid service would dust him, along with the rest of the house twice a week, and we would Febreez him every day, and things went along fine." I can picture it so clearly. I love how no one questions how the old man is still walking around. The mother is annoyed, but not frightened or curious. She leaves home because she feels he brings them down.

*StarV* I love the character of Grandad. He tries to mow the garden and loses parts of his body. He then plays a trick on the maid service. "once he hid himself in the broom closet, and stood on his head, very still, until one of the maids grabbed him, mistaking him for a mop, and dunked his head into a bucket of Pine-Sol and water." That's brilliant! He has a great sense of humour and, if he knows he is dead, he doesn't let it hinder him at all.

*StarV* The ending is great! After many friends and potential girlfriends of the main character being scared off, or disgusted by Grandad, Stevie finally meets a girl and finds she doesn't even bat an eyelid when she meets Grandad. At the end, she offers to introduce him to her great-grandmother—a banshee! Genius.

*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


Just a couple of typos:
"Sill had a bit of mud smeared on his suit." I think you mean still.
"bitter apple spray. kept neighbourhood . . . " Do you mean, "It kept," or did you mean to use a comma in stead of a period?


*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is such an enjoyable story, and I'm really glad I came across it. You have a great writing style, and the voice of Stevie is a really endearing one. I loved it. Great job!


Choconut

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449
449
Review of Abduction  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Kris Cooper

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* I love the idea for this story. Your title and brief description work as a great way of luring the reader into the story. We've all heard about and seen documentaries concerning alien abduction. It's something that fascinates the Western World. So, I was really interested to learn how this abduction would be closer to home than I thought. I love your beginning. "I'm still not quite sure how I got here." A great hook, that drew me in. You continue to describe being ripped from your home, and the whole description of the "freakishly giant hands" and the room splitting in two is really good. You ensured I was completely hooked and had to read to the end.

*StarV* I love this description: " My skin prickled as I reacted from the sudden, dramatic change in temperature. The lights were as if the sun blazed four feet from my eyes." That's such a wonderful description. As the reader, it's easy to put myself in the position of the narrator. These descriptions induce physical sensations, in particular, the blinding light that hurts your eyeballs. It sounds horrific.

*StarV* I really like the way you show the aliens as, actually, caring about the humans. They are soft and gentle and have a way of communicating with the narrator telepathically. Instinctively, he understands them and, instinctively, he knows they won't hurt him. Although, he doesn't understand their purpose for him.

*Starv* At the end, I was a little confused. You say, "'Hello there, little one,' she softly spoke to me, gently holding me in her arms. 'Momma’s here.'" I thought maybe the human was being adopted by the aliens. Or maybe they were to be a toy doll for the aliens? I'm not entirely sure. I assume that's the part that you meant was "closer to home than you might think." But I didn't entirely get it. Sorry.

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Suggestions


In general, try not to use as many adjectives and adverbs. It really is better to try to find a better description, or a stronger verb. For example, you say the aliens had, "short, short legs." It would be a better description to say something like, "They waddled on stump-like legs." (I appreciate you wrote this a few years ago, so you may well be doing this already.)


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Parting Comments


This is an enjoyable story, in which I lost myself. I loved the descriptions of the actual abduction, and of the aliens. It would be nice to have a little clarification at the end, though. All in all, a great story.


Choconut

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Review of Waiting For Sleep  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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What I liked


*StarV* I was intrigued by your title and brief description. I imagined I would find a story about a man waking up from a coma, with his whole life changed. But that's not what's happening here. The reader doesn't really learn until the very end of the story what is happening. That's due to the way you have written the main character, Christian, as an unreliable narrator. Personally, I'm a big fan of characters who mislead us because they don't really understand what is happening to them. So, I really liked Christian.

*StarV* There are some really nice descriptions in here. For example, "He could see the city lights twinkling against the lavender and orange sky." I really like that description. It painted a beautiful picture in my mind. Similarly, "When his eyes opened again he was staring up into an afternoon sky the sun had eaten away the moisture from the leaves above as well as below." That's a lovely way of showing the reader the feeling of warmth that Christian has.

*StarV* I love the dog, Sam. When he first appeared, I was worried something bad was about to happen to him. But, I think, maybe it already had. I wasn't completely sure whether he had died in the attack, with Christian and his wife, or whether the old dog was already dead and came to help Christian understand what had happened.


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Suggestions


My main suggestion is to watch your run-on sentences. You have used quite a lot of these, and it makes the narrative difficult to follow, at times. Here is an example of what I mean: "Funny that the dog seemed to be leading him home, like he didn’t know his way and in some ways he had indeed forgotten, perhaps the memory of home was simpered away with unconsciousness that was his only guess." This sentence can be broken down a lot. "He couldn't understand why the dog seemed to be leading him home, as though he had forgotten the way. When he thought about it, maybe he had. His memories seemed to be lost in his unconscious." There are quite a few run-ons in this story. If you tighten up your punctuation, in particular your use of commas, it will really help.

My other suggestion is regarding the presentation. The writing is all bunched up, and it looks quite intimidating before you read it. If you double-spaced between paragraphs, it would look much more accessible.

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Parting Comments


This is an interesting story. I enjoyed reading it, and I think that with a little polishing, it could be a great story.

Choconut

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