Hi 🌷 Carol St.Ann 🌷 
I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is the second review from your Chocolate Fudge package.
My first thoughts: I'm going to begin by giving you my first, gut instinct again. This story seems to be about a family in the South whose father is a bully and often violent to all of them.The mother always tries to keep the peace. The son and daughter, Tommy and Ruby, are desperate to escape. Additionally, Tommy is gay and in a relationship with another local boy, Liam. Coming from where they do, they fear not only their father's reaction, but everyone's reaction, if their relationship is discovered. So they come up with a plan: Liam will fake his suicide, and then Tommy and Ruby will leave town to meet him a few days later. That way, he and Tommy can be together openly. Ruby was unaware of this plan, and thought the three of them were just leaving together. She's always had a bit of a crush on Liam. Once their father passes away a few years later, they return, and it ends with Tommy about to tell his mother the truth.
Those are my thoughts about the plot. But, the first thing that struck me really near the beginning, was this line: "He took his sweet time balin' the hay." There was something about "balin' the hay" that made me sit up and take note. Then, their Momma tells them to wipe themselves off and leave their shoes outside. 'Ode To Billy Joe' floated in and out of my mind. It's one of my all-time favourite songs, and I picked up on those subtle pieces of information straight away (probably because I am little obsessed with the song). I loved all your subtle nods to that song. Like, Poppa asking for the black-eyed peas and the preacher saying he saw Liam and Ruby after church the other day. Also, Poppa referring to Ruby's dinner, saying she, "Aint touched a single bite."
I did get a little confused as to the actual plan. By that, I mean, who was meant to be leaving? At the beginning, Tommy thinks how, "He and Ruby were gonna hook up with Liam and get out of this town for good." But, nearer the end, he is thinking of leaving to be with Liam, and he thinks, "Come Saturday the two of them were gonna leave and never come back." So, I was't sure whether you meant Tommy and Liam, or Tommy and Ruby? As I read on, I found that they all left. But I was a little confused at this point.
Characters: All your characters are beautifully written. I love Ruby's entrance: "'Shoot, Tommy!' She flapped her hands across her face and batted her eyes in squinted spasms." Instantly, we get a picture of a feisty young woman who is a force to be reckoned with. Tommy, on the other hand, seems like the typical, annoying, older brother. The pair fight and squabble a lot, but we mustn't forget how Ruby has kept Tommy's secret about his relationship with Liam. Also, they planned to escape together, so they understand how difficult their lives have been and want to help each other to get away.
A couple of points of interest with Ruby. Firstly, what are those white pills that appear to have been making her look pale and thin? Amphetamines? I'm not sure. That was an interesting detail because I know one of the theories about what Billy Joe and 'Ruby' threw into the river was drugs, and that 'Ruby' was using drugs. So, I like that detail. I would have quite liked to have seen it explored further.
Also, Ruby follows Liam around, even after she knows he is her brother's boyfriend. I wondered why she did this. Which made me think, maybe, he was her drug dealer. It makes sense as to why you mentioned the pills.
Momma and Poppa are well written, too. Poppa is filled with anger and spite. He seems to possess nothing but hatred for his children and wife. His comments about Liam's suicide are pure evil. "That boy's hell bound now. Hell bound for sure."
Momma tries to keep the peace between everyone. She stands up for Ruby when Tommy is mean to her, she tries to get her children to behave in a way that won't upset their Poppa. I think she probably takes a few beatings from her husband beacause of all this. My favourite description of her comes at the end, though; after Poppa has died. Tommy and Ruby note how their mother has stopped trying to keep a clean and tidy house, and she doesn't even dye her hair any more. I love this line: "Momma turned to put a kettle of water on the stove, and slipped a straggle of hair behind her ear." It's the little details like this that make your writing so rich. I was in that dust covered kitchen, watching a lonely, old woman wrestling with a stray hair.
Grammar: A few minor points ...
"Poppa turned his angry dark eyes on her." I'd put a comma between angry and dark because both words are of equal importance.
"Momma adjusted her self in her chair ..." Herself should be one word.
"Even a best friend got no right to mess with a body's little sister." I think you mean boy's?
What I Liked: There are so many wonderful descriptions. You completely hooked me from the very first word, and I was there, in their "dirt-water" town with the sun and dust and heat. You create a vibrant and vivd setting, and show some powerful emotions. The accents the characters all have are fab. It's impossible to read this and not have a southern American drawl in our heads. It has everything I could ever want from a story. These are just some of those descriptions that made me go, "Ahhh" ...
" ... the screen door creaking like a broken-hearted bullfrog."
" He took a bite and forced himself to smile like his world wasn't a hair's breadth away from implosion."
"His middle hollowed out with yearning."
"The sunset in full glory, glowed bright red over the yonder ridge of his childhood."
There are many more, but these are the stand-out lines, for me. I also love how you took the song—which has long-caused discussions as to its meaning—and wrote something completely different. I love this explanation of what could have happened.
Suggestions: This is not a suggestion as much as a query. When Poppa tells them Liam has killed himself, Tommy starts to ask where the suicide note is, as though it's really important. But it isn't mentioned again after that. Similarly, going back to the pills. They seem to be really important, but I can't figure out why. Unless, Liam was Ruby's dealer.
I loved this story. It's so well written. It's engaging, entertaining, emotional. More than that, though, it's actually real. Although, this isn't the course of most people's lives today, it still seems completely real. I think it will stay with me for quite some time. Great work!
Most importantly, keep writing!
Choconut
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| (4.5)
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The sardine makes a another appearance! I love it. Your brief description is so funny: "Evil Sentence Fragments Torment a Sardine Sandwich in County Mayo." Oh, and, how they torment him it. Joined by the Connemara whale, these evil sentence fragments cause the sandwich so much pain. Once again, you have written a hilarious piece that, at its heart, has an important message. Break the rules! Do it!![Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .](https://www.writing.com/main/images/action/display/ver/1522926880/item_id/2154475.jpg "Purple Panther 2 [#2154475]
Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .")
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