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2,047 Public Reviews Given
2,066 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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Review of May Angels Watch  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi VictoriaMcCullough

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is your final review from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. This poem is beautiful. I was hooked from your first line: "May Angels watch from distant lighthouses." There's something about lighthouses that is very spiritual, and this is a great way of grabbing your reader's attention. As I continued to read, I loved the message of angels watching over us and guiding and protecting us in all we do. I remember, not long after my Dad passed away, I was sat in my work's office. He came into my head, and I felt tearful. At that moment, a white feather floated in through an open window and landed on my shoulder. A part of me really believes it was a sign from him, and that he is my guardian angel now.

Voice/Tone: The tone of this poem is very calming and reassuring. The idea that we all have these spiritual/supernatural beings who look after us is so positive. "May they break your falls when in too deep," is a fantastic line. We all have times when things get too much and we need a soft place to fall. What I really like about this poem is how you address the reader directly. You are offering us your good wishes, and it feels like you are speaking right to me.

Mechanics: I'm not sure if this poem is any specific form? I don't think so. But, there is the obvious use of repetition of the word May at the start of each line. Also, the rhyme scheme is abab throughout. I love this rhyme. It really helps give the poem a good pace and a natural rhythm. It makes it a pleasure to read.

My Favourite Part: The message. I love how peaceful I felt at the end of this poem. It's hard to pick a favourite line because they are all great, but this one really stands out for me: "May Angels fill your blue skies." That feels so free, so sunny, so light. I love it. I also love, "May they live through your memories to keep." This reminds me of both my parents. They are my angels.

This is a beautiful poem. It leaves the reader with a sense of peace, and it's very reassuring and soothing. I really hope there are angels watching over us.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Ever Near To You  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi VictoriaMcCullough

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the first of the reviews which Princess Megan Rose 22 Years gifted to you.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I chose to review this poem firstly because it's very appropriate, as Megan kindly donated the reviews. As I first read through, I was touched by how strong your friendship is. It's a beautiful tribute, and I imagine she was overjoyed when she read it.

Voice/Tone: The tone of the poem is warm and filled with love. From the first line, we see this: "From distant hills I see your face ..." The voice is personal and intimate. It's impossible to read this and not be struck by how important your friendship is.

Mechanics: You have written this poem in the Burns Stanza tradition, with a few slight modifications. The first two verses, this works perfectly, even though the syllables in the longer lines aren't exact. The last verse, I felt the rhythm wasn't quite as good. It was just slightly off. I think the meter is a little off. However, this isn't a huge problem. I understand you wanted to include everything you had to say, and so you modified the form to fit your requirements. The poem still has a great flow through each verse. It reads fluidly.

My Favourite Part: I love the emotion in this poem. I love the overall warm feeling it leaves me with. It's hard to choose specific parts as my favourites, but I love, "I think on how much joy you place / in this old heart." That's so lovely. Also, as a fellow writer and reader, I love this line: "Like a gracious and wise paperback ..." (Although, you have put two As in the line.)

This is a delightful poem. It's a joy to read it. You've taken on a tricky poetic form, and changed it up a little. The result is a beautiful, powerful tribute to a wonderful friend.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Peace  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Tileira

I've just finished reading your short story, "Peace" , and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of "OPEN HOUSE" . It is in a affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" .

My first impressions: This story took me in a completely different direction to what I expected. When I read the description, and I realised it was a fantasy genre story about bringing peace to a house, I expected the protagonist to be some kind of mediator. I expected an end to war, an end to fighting between different houses. But, actually, it's about domestic violence and finding an end to abuse. I love the way you use a fantasy setting for this theme. Domestic violence is a subject very close to my heart, and I think you've done a fantastic job of highlighting the damage it causes. In a completely different way to most DV stories.

Plot: This story is about a king who regularly physically abuses his sons and wife, along with other members of his court. Nadir, the protagonist, has obtained a magical box from a magician. The reader is unsure what magic lies inside, but we get little hints at how dangerous it is through Nadir's memories of the magician's warnings: "In the first, never must the lid be opened. The casket is sealed with wax. Should this break the box must be burned immediately." The magician also warns that the box must not be looked upon or touched by another, or it will be his undoing. I have a feeling it will, indeed, be his undoing. I imagine it won't take much for the people to figure out that it was he who used black magic to kill his father.

I love the characterisation of the two brothers, Nadir and Arash. I wouldn't say I like Nadir, despite him doing what needed to be done to save his family. I wasn't sure why he squeezed his younger brother's shoulder in the exact place his father injured him. I really felt for Arash when he, " ... endured it without a sound as he had when their father first inflicted it." I found this quite moving.

The box is a brilliant way to murder their father. His vanity means he believes Nadir when he says a lady has asked him to pass it on to the king. I love the part where Nadir is trying not to eat because it could turn the magic against him. I was on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what would happen. In the end, the snake is unleashed and the king is dead. I was so happy with that outcome.

What I really liked: I like the peace Nadir feels at the end. With his father dead, you write this: "Nadir lifted his hands to show them free of tremors." This is in contrast to his fidgety hands earlier in the story. It's a great way to show the reader how much peace his father's death has brought. Although, Nadir's uncles continues to say, "There will be no peace for you after this." This is the last line, and it's a great teaser for the reader. We are left wondering if the black magic will haunt Nadir in some way. We wonder if he will become king, and if he will have traitors in his court. It's a great ending. Specifically, I love this line: "The young prince closed the lid over the top of the casket and sat a moment with death in his lap." That really made me sit up and take notice. I couldn't wait to see inside the box.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: Just one minor point ... "I endeavour to improve in all ways I may". You have the period outside of the speech marks here.

Final thoughts: This is an excellent story which had me gripped from the start. I love how different this story is, whilst dealing with issues that are still big in today's society. I love how Nadir overcomes his father, even though he loses a little of his soul in the process. It's really great story.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi LegendaryMask❤️

I've just read your poem, "I See The Tears She Sheds" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of "OPEN HOUSE" . It is in a affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" .

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: The very first thing I noticed is I love the title of this poem. Secondly, there shouldn't be an apostrophe in Shed's. As I first read through, I found this to be a really emotional poem. I can tell you put a lot of yourself into this. I love it when I read a poem (or any piece of writing) where the writer has poured their soul into it. It feels like that's what you've done here, and the result is excellent.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This poem is free verse, so there is no set rhythm or rhyme scheme. That suits the subject matter perfectly. Free verse takes out the restrictions and allows you the creativity to express yourself. In this poem, the result is a passionate response to the fantastic job out troops carry out on our behalf. It highlights the price that too many military persons and their families pay on a daily basis. Why? So that we can remain safe. As an English person, I'd never heard of Chris Kyle, so I Googled him. It seems that, even though he didn't die at war, his death was, nonetheless, as a result of war.

Although there are no set rhythm requirements in free verse, there does still need to be a poetic feeling and a rhythm that works. That is the case for most of this poem. If I'm honest, the longer lines throw the rhythm off a little, but it's not a big issue because their content makes up for it.

*StarG* What I really liked: Your passion. I love your voice in this poem. It's genuine, and also really likeable. I also love the way you rhyme tyranny with enemies in the last verse. That really appeals to me. The overall idea of the American flag mourning another fallen hero, and then narrating this poem, is a great one. It's a little different, and I like your creativity.

*StarP* Suggestions: A couple of commas I would take out: " ... waving in all her, glory ..." Also, "Her sons and daughters who gave of themselves, their lives to protect us from tyranny." Both these sentences shouldn't have those commas.

This line confused me a little: "May we still have the right to bear our arms to protect those against our enemies." This reads as those you want to bear arms against people who are fighting your enemies, and I don't think that's what you meant? I would try to rewrite this line, if I were you.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a great poem, Teresa. I really enjoyed reading it. It's thought-provoking and really well written. Great work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Dear Daughters  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Faith Raine

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the Strawberry Surprise review from my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. I love this poem. The message you convey is such a positive and important one. As I first read through, I found myself relating to every word. As a girl/woman who always struggled with self image, I know this poem is one that a lot of girls could also relate to, and one that might help them to gain some perspective.

Voice/Tone: The tone is one of a wise person imparting her knowledge. The narrator is fairly passionate in her plea to young girls to value themselves for attributes other than their beauty or popularity. Instead, you ask them to look inside, at their intelligence and inner strength. I love that!

Mechanics: I don't think this is any specific form, although it does have an aabbcc, etc. rhyme throughout. There are some great rhymes in there, as well. For example, "The beauty, strength, and so much sass / The things you can do, build, surpass." These lines are great. That sass really does come from within, and not without. There are two places where you change rhyme scheme: "Do more than this generation has ever done / You, yes you daughter / You are the one." I'm not sure why you separate the last two lines here, rather than making them one, so that the flow continues as it has been. Unless, you want to make these lines stand out to show that you are talking to whomever is reading this. Also, the last two lines don't rhyme. You write, "Just know daughters of now that I am here in your corner / Praying for you as hard as I know how." I stumbled over this last line because I'd built up a rhythm with a rhyme scheme, and then you just cut it off at the end. I'm not sure why.

My Favourite Part: The message. Love it. These lines are wonderful: "The intelligence you hide by dumbing yourself down / trying to keep those so-called "friends" around." It's such an accurate observation of what it's like to be a teenage girl. The line I mentioned above, regarding beauty, strength, and sass is also fabulous. Your use of sass here reminds me of Maya Angelou's "Still I Rise." It's so good.

Suggestions: This is more of a typo, than a suggestion. "Find a goo mentor ..." It should be good.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I love your message and your own sass. This poem should be required reading for all pre-teen girls (and, maybe, boys as well). It's such a positive outlook, and I absolutely love it.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Mother Nature  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi superkatvon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is your Strawberry Surprise review from my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a lovely, light poem. When first reading it, it felt as though the lines kind of skipped along. They dance lightly over you as you read and take in the story. I love the warmth that comes from "the girl with sun on her skin." It leaves the reader feeling happy. I could be way off here, but it sounds as though it could have been written with a specific little girl in mind.

Voice/Tone: The tone is light. Even the part where you say, "Whenever hurting or lonely, it rains." You speak of the girl having "dew in her veins," which is a beautiful description, and it makes the rain and the hurt seem not so bad.

Mechanics: I don't think this poem is any particular form. There are ten lines, all with ten syllables, and an aabbcc, etc. rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme really helps with the rhythm and the flow of the poem. It helps to make it seem almost like a nursery rhyme. It's definitely lyrical.

Rhythm: There are a couple of places where the rhythm is a little off. The line above that begins, "Whenever ..." This line does have the same amount of syllables, but the meter is slightly different, and it's just not quite right. Also, the last line is a little off. It's the "she does sing" part, I think. These aren't huge issues. Once I'd read it through a couple of times, it reads perfectly smoothly.

My Favourite Part: "Runs through the world leaving life in her wake." I love this line. It's such a great description of exactly what it's like to watch your children grow and explore. I also wondered if the girl is actually Mother Nature. I'm not sure.

Suggestions: Only one tiny point. "But she's what paints the grass such a rich green." I'd say it should be who, not what because the girl is person, not an object.

I love this poem. What a great, little read. I love your imagery. It's rich and descriptive and a joy to read. Excellent work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi 🇺🇸 Carol St.Ann 🇺🇸

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is the second review from your Chocolate Fudge package.

My first thoughts: I'm going to begin by giving you my first, gut instinct again. This story seems to be about a family in the South whose father is a bully and often violent to all of them.The mother always tries to keep the peace. The son and daughter, Tommy and Ruby, are desperate to escape. Additionally, Tommy is gay and in a relationship with another local boy, Liam. Coming from where they do, they fear not only their father's reaction, but everyone's reaction, if their relationship is discovered. So they come up with a plan: Liam will fake his suicide, and then Tommy and Ruby will leave town to meet him a few days later. That way, he and Tommy can be together openly. Ruby was unaware of this plan, and thought the three of them were just leaving together. She's always had a bit of a crush on Liam. Once their father passes away a few years later, they return, and it ends with Tommy about to tell his mother the truth.

Those are my thoughts about the plot. But, the first thing that struck me really near the beginning, was this line: "He took his sweet time balin' the hay." There was something about "balin' the hay" that made me sit up and take note. Then, their Momma tells them to wipe themselves off and leave their shoes outside. 'Ode To Billy Joe' floated in and out of my mind. It's one of my all-time favourite songs, and I picked up on those subtle pieces of information straight away (probably because I am little obsessed with the song). I loved all your subtle nods to that song. Like, Poppa asking for the black-eyed peas and the preacher saying he saw Liam and Ruby after church the other day. Also, Poppa referring to Ruby's dinner, saying she, "Aint touched a single bite."

I did get a little confused as to the actual plan. By that, I mean, who was meant to be leaving? At the beginning, Tommy thinks how, "He and Ruby were gonna hook up with Liam and get out of this town for good." But, nearer the end, he is thinking of leaving to be with Liam, and he thinks, "Come Saturday the two of them were gonna leave and never come back." So, I was't sure whether you meant Tommy and Liam, or Tommy and Ruby? As I read on, I found that they all left. But I was a little confused at this point.

Characters: All your characters are beautifully written. I love Ruby's entrance: "'Shoot, Tommy!' She flapped her hands across her face and batted her eyes in squinted spasms." Instantly, we get a picture of a feisty young woman who is a force to be reckoned with. Tommy, on the other hand, seems like the typical, annoying, older brother. The pair fight and squabble a lot, but we mustn't forget how Ruby has kept Tommy's secret about his relationship with Liam. Also, they planned to escape together, so they understand how difficult their lives have been and want to help each other to get away.

A couple of points of interest with Ruby. Firstly, what are those white pills that appear to have been making her look pale and thin? Amphetamines? I'm not sure. That was an interesting detail because I know one of the theories about what Billy Joe and 'Ruby' threw into the river was drugs, and that 'Ruby' was using drugs. So, I like that detail. I would have quite liked to have seen it explored further.

Also, Ruby follows Liam around, even after she knows he is her brother's boyfriend. I wondered why she did this. Which made me think, maybe, he was her drug dealer. It makes sense as to why you mentioned the pills.

Momma and Poppa are well written, too. Poppa is filled with anger and spite. He seems to possess nothing but hatred for his children and wife. His comments about Liam's suicide are pure evil. "That boy's hell bound now. Hell bound for sure."

Momma tries to keep the peace between everyone. She stands up for Ruby when Tommy is mean to her, she tries to get her children to behave in a way that won't upset their Poppa. I think she probably takes a few beatings from her husband beacause of all this. My favourite description of her comes at the end, though; after Poppa has died. Tommy and Ruby note how their mother has stopped trying to keep a clean and tidy house, and she doesn't even dye her hair any more. I love this line: "Momma turned to put a kettle of water on the stove, and slipped a straggle of hair behind her ear." It's the little details like this that make your writing so rich. I was in that dust covered kitchen, watching a lonely, old woman wrestling with a stray hair.

Grammar: A few minor points ...
"Poppa turned his angry dark eyes on her." I'd put a comma between angry and dark because both words are of equal importance.
"Momma adjusted her self in her chair ..." Herself should be one word.
"Even a best friend got no right to mess with a body's little sister." I think you mean boy's?

What I Liked: There are so many wonderful descriptions. You completely hooked me from the very first word, and I was there, in their "dirt-water" town with the sun and dust and heat. You create a vibrant and vivd setting, and show some powerful emotions. The accents the characters all have are fab. It's impossible to read this and not have a southern American drawl in our heads. It has everything I could ever want from a story. These are just some of those descriptions that made me go, "Ahhh" ...
" ... the screen door creaking like a broken-hearted bullfrog."
" He took a bite and forced himself to smile like his world wasn't a hair's breadth away from implosion."
"His middle hollowed out with yearning."
"The sunset in full glory, glowed bright red over the yonder ridge of his childhood."

There are many more, but these are the stand-out lines, for me. I also love how you took the song—which has long-caused discussions as to its meaning—and wrote something completely different. I love this explanation of what could have happened.

Suggestions: This is not a suggestion as much as a query. When Poppa tells them Liam has killed himself, Tommy starts to ask where the suicide note is, as though it's really important. But it isn't mentioned again after that. Similarly, going back to the pills. They seem to be really important, but I can't figure out why. Unless, Liam was Ruby's dealer.

I loved this story. It's so well written. It's engaging, entertaining, emotional. More than that, though, it's actually real. Although, this isn't the course of most people's lives today, it still seems completely real. I think it will stay with me for quite some time. Great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi 🇺🇸 Carol St.Ann 🇺🇸

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is the first review from your Chocolate Fudge package.

My first thoughts: Firstly, congratulations on turning blue! How exciting for you. Secondly, you asked me to give you my first, gut, instinct of what the storyline is conveying. To me, it seems to be about an earthquake. Especially, as you mention at the beginning that it's set in San Francisco. But, not only that. You describe the house shaking so violently the windows break. That sounds like an earthquake, to me.

Plot: This story shows us a newly-married couple living in San Francisco; Cora Mae and Jess. It is Cora Mae's birthday, and she's so excited she wakes up at five in the morning and pesters her husband for her present. Unfortunately, she never gets it because an earthquake hits the city. The following story is one of how people come together during a crisis and help one another. After spending the day taking care of everyone else, Cora Mae thinks her husband must have died, but then she sees him walking toward her at the end of the day. What I'm not entirely sure about is whether she really saw him, or was it his spirit? I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to read too much into this. But, she prayed to God for Jess to return.

Characters: At the beginning, I was a little unsure about Cora Mae. The way she couldn't wait for her present and woke her husband so early just because it was her birthday seemed a little childish. But, it was a good way to show the contrast of her character in the end. She has helped to save lives and ease pain, and her thoughts turn to rebuilding the city. I definitely like her more at the end. I love this line, which describes the two of them falling to the floor when Cora Mae stumbles: "In another minute they were cuddled on the floor, enraptured with laughter." That's a beautiful glimpse of the loving relationship they are in.

Grammar: I have a few suggestions ...
"What. San Francisco isn't enough?" I understand why you've placed a period here, not a question mark. The what isn't a question, per se. By placing a period, though, it kind of does make it a question. I would put a comma. Or use a question mark.
"Why, it's one of the most beautiful modern cities on the whole world." It should be in.
"Can I have now?" I wasn't sure whether this was Cora Mae's accent, but I would say it should be "have it now."
"Jess grabbed her and pulled next to their night table." I think it should be "pulled her next to the ..."
"The smoke and masonry dust filled the air." I would take out the at the start. I don't think it's necessary.
"She dipped a discarded cloth in water and dabbed at burning eyes." I would put "at her burning eyes ..."
"The setting sun, peeked from behind great plumes ..." I'd take out the comma.
"Could she believe her scratchy burning eyes?" I'd place a comma between scratchy and burning.

What I liked: I love the relationship between Cora Mae and Jess. I love how she evolves into a mature, brave young woman. I like how they are reunited at the end. The scene with Cora Mae searching for Jess, asking everyone if they've seen him, is moving. I really felt for her at this point. I love this description of the dusty fog that covers the city: "It was as though an autumn fog devoid of water had sat itself down on top of the city and refused to move." That's a wonderful visual. I also like the way you leave the reader hanging as to what the present was. That's such a great tease.

Suggestions: One thing that I noticed is Cora Mae's name. In the beginning, you always refer to her as Cora Mae. Then, when the earthquake happens, you refer to her as simply Cora a few times. I thought maybe you'd done this to show how she grew up in that moment. But, then, you revert to Cora Mae, and you change back and forth. It really stood out to me It also made me extra aware of how many times you were using her name to tell us what she did, rather than describing the world through her eyes. I hope that makes sense.

I did really enjoy reading this. It's a great look at how people cope and come together during an emergency. I love how the couple keep their sense of humour, and it ends with Cora Mae saying she will never forget that birthday's events. That was a nice finishing touch. Great work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review of We'll Rise Up  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Winnie Kay

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This review is from your Strawberry Surprise package gifted to you by Andy~hating university .

My first thoughts: Wow. This story is beautifully written, really engaging, and it tugs at the reader's heartstrings. I was hooked from the very beginning. When I realised what I was witnessing, I couldn't turn away until the end. It's such a fantastic idea for a story. I remember this prompt when it came out. It was based on a song, wasn't it?

Plot: This is a story of good triumphing over bad. It's a story of how you should always treat others with respect and dignity. The plot begins with an evil overseer on a farm beating a slave who is tied to a tree. The slave's mother and daughter stand watching. This description is horrific: "The whip cracked, cutting deep into the skin and pulling away pieces of flesh as it recoiled back to the punisher's feet, ready for the next blow." It's such a great description, though. It makes the reader a witness to this terrible act of cruelty. It makes us complicit, in a way. Which makes us think about our own actions a little more.

What I love is how this story doesn't end with the downtrodden slave. This story is about rising up and overcoming adversities. We learn that Granny Mama's grandfather was a great shaman in Africa. When his daughter was stolen, he cursed anybody who ever did her or her direct descendants harm. He also predicted the fourth generation of the family will rise up and fight a bloody war which, eventually, they shall win. When Bertha tells this story to Tillie, it gives her strength to believe their suffering will soon end. The icing on the cake, for me, is when the overseer is found dead. He has been strangled by his own whip. That's a nice detail. I also love how JJ's wounds heal really quickly, and he goes back to work the next day.

Characters: The characters are the stars of this story. You have created likeable, real, brave characters. Tillie, in particular, is a gem. I love her from the moment we see her stood, digging her fingernails into her palms. She has so much anger inside. That's completely understandable, though. I would have felt the same. Her speech is fab. She sounds like a ten year old child. This line made me fall even further in love with her: "'All's I gotta learn is how to kill ‘em, Granny Mama ...'" I love her guts. I could picture this scrappy, tomboyish kid ready to fight to the death.

Bertha is another great character. Actually, they all are. Even the overseer. He is brilliantly evil. "The overseer grinned as he drew back the whip." It's simple, but it tells us so much about how much he enjoys the power he has over the slaves. I imagine he is probably bottom of the pile in life in every other aspect.

Grammar: Excellent. Of course. I was never going to find lots of grammar issues in something written by you. There is this one place I'm not entirely sure about, though. "Papa, how you up and around already? After that beating?" It feels like it should be all one sentence.

What I liked: Oh, my! I love the just desserts served upon Patrick McDonald. I love the magic of Bertha's story, and how it really does seem to be true. I found this line really moving: "Tillie felt her grandmother flinch beside her, but no one moved; no one spoke, their faces expressionless." I tried to imagine what it must have been like, knowing that this really happened a lot. The way nobody dares move or defend their friend because the consequences would be too terrible. The silence in that moment must have been overwhelming. You do such a great job of pulling your readers inside the story. I really felt I was there, watching in silence.

This is another place I found emotional. "The girl picked up a small pebble and threw it at the chickens pecking in the yard. They squawked and flittered around." I know it's not one of the overtly emotional scenes, but it struck me how these two sentences, set in another story in another time, could tell of an entirely different child and family. It could be about a little girl who is free to run around and play. She could be living an idyllic life. And I found that really moving.

This line is also a great one: "And she knew that a proud black man in South Carolina in 1860 was a dangerous thing to be." It sends a chill down your spine. It forces you to remember a time in history it's much easier to forget.

I'm sorry, Winnie. I don't have any clever suggestions for improvement. I think this story is perfect as it is. It's so well written. Your style is inviting and immersive. Your descriptions are rich and so vivid. I kind of forgot I was reading during my first read-through. I became lost inside the world of fear and pain. But, this story isn't just about that, and that's what makes it extra special. It's about hope and courage and doing the right thing. I love it. Absolutely love it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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385
385
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Christopher Roy Denton

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the first review in your Chocolate Truffle package from my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a very appropriate poem to review from my shop! I remember reading this last year and thinking it was brilliant. A love poem to chocolate; words from my own heart. Because I can't see the original version here, I'm not sure which parts you have changed. So I'll do this review as though it is the first time I read it.

Voice/Tone: The voice is of someone very much in love. Your words could easily be aimed at a person, not chocolate. As the poem builds towards the tragedy of Valentine's Day, the tone morphs into one of frustration. I love how you say, "(although the shop displays are always great)." You appreciate seeing chocolate everywhere you look, but you resent the reason for the abundance of the sweet treat: "that's when I'm forced to give my love away." I feel your pain.

Mechanics: I love how you have used a sonnet as the vehicle for your love declaration. It's perfect. Reading through, you have ten syllables in every line, so the poem reads really smoothly. The meter works, as well. There's just one place I'm not completely sure about: "express up to those pearly gates above." The syllabic count is right, so I think maybe the meter is a little different. It's not a big difference, it just sounds a little off.

My Favourite Part: I love the concept. Chocolate as a subject matter is always going to appeal to me. I love how you've turned your affection into this declaration of love. It's clever and creative. It's funny, but more than that; it's beautifully written.

I really like this poem. I love your humour. I also love your taste in sweet treats. Great work, Bob. Really enjoyable.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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386
386
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating

*Vine2**Burstp* May Reviewing *Burstb**Vine1*
A
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Review Raid
*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


*StarG* I saw this poem on the review list and was intrigued to learn about springtime in Las Vegas. I imagine there being lots of sun pretty much year-round. I love your opening haiku. The image of the city whispering as the breeze blows throughout is wonderful.

*Starg* Once these initial breezes have stopped, you paint a picture of heat and sunshine, I love these lines: "cracks attract insects / until hot temperatures / drives them into shade." Even the tiniest of creatures seek shelter from the sweltering sun. But, the sunny picture it puts in the reader's mind is so relaxing and lazy and warm. It's really nicely written.

*StarG* I love how you have structured this haiku sonnet. I'm a big fan of this form, and you have done a great job with it. I love the last word of one verse carrying through to the first word of the next. That's a tricky feat to pull off. But, in doing it, you have made sure the whole poem is connected. It all fits together to make one, fluid description of springtime in Las Vegas.

*Starg* The couplet at the end is fab: "shade is at a premium / as spring melts into summer." I love spring melting into the heat of summer. It makes me feel warm and happy.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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387
387
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi amy-Has a great future ahead

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E].

Please remember these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: What a great idea for a story. As I first read through, I loved the idea of making furniture from dragons' egg shells. I also really liked the magical feeling that runs throughout the story. The people's names, the dragons; everything.

Plot: This is the story of a furniture maker called Timmins who lives in the town of Callah. In springtime every year, dragons hatch their eggs and leave the shells littering the town. Timmins comes up with the idea of using the colourful shells to make furniture in his shop. The only problem is the dragons are fierce and won't let anyone take their egg shells. Luckily, Timmins is friends with the mayor, who is friends with the Great Dragon, Sharan. A deal is agreed, and beautiful furniture is made.

I like this plot. It's simple and straightforward. It works for the audience you're aiming it at. My only query regarding the plot is whether it could use a little more drama. Like, maybe Timmins could try to collect some shells before he asks Mayor Hightower for help, and he has a run-in with a dragon. Something that will have children jumping up and down with excitement.

Characters: I like the characters. Timmins (I love that name, by the way!) seems like a good chap who wants to make his business work. He is creative and has a great vision, in terms of the dragons' egg shells. We don't see a lot of his character. I don't know if he is introduced in any other story in this book? But, it would be good to get a bit of a visual of him.

Grammar: I have a few suggestions here:
"It was also the time of year that the dragons that lived around Callah ..." I would say it should be who, not that.
"It was usually his busiest. and most rushed, time, though." You placed a period after busiest by mistake, I think.
"The sun glistened off of the pastel ..." I would take out of to make the sentence tighter.
"It would be a lot easier if we could rid of the dragon’s eggs that are lying around." This seems to be worded strangely, to me. Something like this would be clearer: "It would be a lot easier if we could clear the town of the dragons' eggs ..."
"That’s what I wanted to talk to you about?" It should be a period, not a question mark.
"The dragons will just have to move them ..." Just is a filler word. I would remove it.
" he was excited as a large, dragon ..." I would take out the comma.
"Mayor Hightower climbed down from the back of Sharan’s back." You have used back twice here. I would say something like, "Mayor Hightower climbed down from Sharan's back."
"I am here to tell you that I love your idea." Taking out that would make this tighter.
"From then on Spring was a very busy ..." I would add a comma after Spring.

Also, in general, there are quite a few places where you talk about the dragons' eggs; dragon being plural. But, you've placed the apostrophe before the s. It should be after.

What I liked: I love the creativity. I love the way this town sounds like a really warm and welcoming place. I would love to see the illustrations of the how the furniture would look. I really like Timmins. I also love the dragons and how the mayor is friends with the Great Dragon.

Suggestions: This is quite a minor thing. In one place, you describe the shells as gorgeous. This is quite a banal word. It would be good to see something more descriptive. Some colours would be nice. We don't get a lot of colour in this story, and it really helps to make a piece vibrant.

I enjoyed reading this story. I think children will really enjoy reading this. I can imagine them bugging their parents to make furniture from chicken and duck eggs when they finish reading it. I really like it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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388
388
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Brenpoet

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the final review, gifted to you from Princess Megan Rose 22 Years .

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Oh, wow. This poem is sad and uplifting, all rolled into one. Those first two lines are heartbreaking: "My Mummy sent a gift to me / I could not touch but I could see." Firstly, that voice. It is so young and innocent, whilst at the same time being utterly captivating. As I first read through this poem, I had tears in my eyes. I assume, from the picture you used to go with this poem, this is based on your own experience. I guess that's why there is so much heart in it.

Voice/Tone: You have done a fantastic job of capturing the child's voice in this poem. By using Mummy, rather than Mum, we know immediately that the narrator is young. So innocent, yet probably they have been through more than some adults. The narrator kind of reaches inside me and twists my heart. I love, however, the positivity that comes as the poem progresses. The rainbow, that appeared to be resting on her outstretched hand, when then went to lay flowers for their mother. These lines are just so sad and so positive, and more importantly, so emotional: "She lets us know that she is near / By sending us a sign so clear."

Mechanics: This is written in the form of a sonnet, which works really nicely because it is very much a poem about love. The love of a mother, and how it is never-ending. Also, the love of these children who have so many precious memories of their Mummy. You have stuck to the form perfectly. The rhythm and rhyme are spot on. I wouldn't change a thing.

My Favourite Part: "Mummy passed three years ago, / But she still loves us, this we know." These lines are beautiful. Really moving. This poem kind of reminds me how, not long after my Dad passed away, I was sat next to an open window talking about his love of music. A white feather drifted in and landed on my lap. I took that as a sign he was watching over me. It's a comforting thought.

I also want to mention the last couplet of this poem because it is such a great, positive message for anyone who has lost someone: "Far better than a pot of gold / Are precious memories we hold." That's a great way to end.

This poem has really moved me. It's written so simply, as it is a child's voice, but this simplicity evokes a really strong emotion in the reader. We feel protective and like we wish we could make everything right. It's just a great poem. Really, really great!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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389
389
Review of In Pastures Green  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Brenpoet

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the second review which was gifted to you by Princess Megan Rose 22 Years .

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. This poem has a feeling of peacefulness winding its way through it. Another great opening line: "I'd left my home far, far below." Instantly, we want to know why, and where you had gone. I know you say in the brief description you wrote this as it was a dream you had relating to Psalm 23. I completely get that. It feels spiritual.

Voice/Tone: Words like free, tranquility, peace, and safe all lead to the feeling that there is nothing to fear in the unknown, for wherever we are, at whatever stage in life and death, He will never forsake us. We will be safe. It's a really reassuring and comforting poem, and it must have been a pretty incredible dream.

Mechanics: I have to confess, I'm not an expert on structured poetry, so I'm not sure whether this is a specific form. It's certainly structured. You have four quatrains with syllables of 8,8,8,6 in each one, and a rhyme scheme of abba. The effect this has is to create a slightly slower pace than if the rhyme was abab, for example. But this is a great tool because it makes the reader pause and stop to consider your words. In fact, it makes it more like a prayer. Which is perfect for the subject matter. I really like how you have created this. It's clever.

My Favourite Part: The last verse. These last two lines, in particular, "With joy, my soul would gladly dwell, / Forever in His care." It's such a comfort. It reminds me of Psalm 23: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me." I also have to mention this line from the third verse: "In pastures green, full length I lay." I love this line. It reminds me of being a child and playing outside on a sunny day, and lying in one of the fields near my house, soaking up the sun, and all cares floating away.

This poem is fantastic. I really enjoyed reading it. You write beautifully, and it's clear you have an ear for rhythm. You seem to write effortlessly, and I really admire that. In structured poetry, especially, as I find that really difficult. Great work. I love this.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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390
390
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Brenpoet

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the first of the reviews which Princess Megan Rose 22 Years gifted to you.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions:Oh, this is beautiful. This poem tells a tale of sadness, turned into happiness. It is the story of a widowed couple who find love again. It is warm and makes the reader feel happy. I have to say, you hooked me right from the first line: "We have both suffered heartbreak and sorrow and pain." I had to read on to find out more.

Voice/Tone: This sounds as though it is written from the heart. The voice is personal, even within the formal setting of this sonnet. As mentioned above, there is a feeling of warmth and love that runs through the whole poem. It feels golden, and I don't just mean because the refrain says, "as the green turns to gold." It is light and sunny.

Mechanics: This is written in the form of a sonnet, which is perfect for a love poem. You have stuck to the form really nicely, and the rhyme scheme helps it to flow beautifully. It also gives it a nice pace and a wonderful rhythm. It's one of the best poems I've read in recent times, in terms of rhythm and how nicely is flows. That said, there is one place I would slightly change. "We're no-longer in springtime but mature in our years." It feels like there's one syllable too many, or maybe the meter isn't quite right. If you changed it to, "We're no-more in springtime, but mature in our years," I think it would flow more naturally. I also would add the comma after springtime. Or, you could change it to, "We're no longer in springtime; mature in our years." That would also work.

My Favourite Part: The way it makes me feel. I love this line: "Will you stand by my side as our futures unfold." That feeling of having someone to share the highs and the lows as the days turn into years is nicely described here. The first verse, though, is my favourite. "Life has sent us a chance to be happy again, / Let us share our adventure, as yet still untold." It's such a positive statement. I love it.

This poem is beautifully written, with some lovely descriptions of love and sharing your life with someone. There are some nice images created, and I love the last line: "I will marry you now, with a ring made of gold." Perfect. Absolutely love it.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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391
391
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥Hooves♥

I am reviewing this chapter as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the final review from your Chocolate Orange Crisps package.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: This chapter moves the plot along by showing the reader just how smitten Oliver is with Sara. At this point, the only contact he's had with her is sending her thirty-plus reviews with gift points attached. It's now the early hours of the morning, and he can't sleep for thinking about Sara. I love how it's only just occurred to him he might have overdone it with the reviews. That's a great example of how love makes us do crazy things, and how it hinders our rational thinking brains. I found it interesting how he phoned his friend Ben for advice. He seems like the last person to provide counsel to anyone. But, I guess, he was the only person who would have been awake.

Characterization: Dina is the character who really interested me in this chapter. We don't meet her in person, only through Oliver's descriptions. She sounds like a nasty person who will go to get lengths to get the man she wants (Oliver). It makes me think maybe she will play a part later in the novel, jeopardising Oliver and Sara's relationship.

Ben is also interesting. It made me laugh how he only joined Writing.com to meet girls. I can't imagine anyone signing up just for that reason. I only ever wanted to write and read other people's writing. I do wonder what Oliver sees in him, as a best friend.

Grammatical Errors: "Oliver grimaced, but ignored the jab and the reference to Dina as his girlfriend, as he continued." I would cut out, "as he continued," and end the sentence after girlfriend. Then, I would bring Oliver's following speech up to the same paragraph as this sentence. Also, "Her writing was so great I just had to tell her with ..." I would place a comma after great. Lastly, "Yeah, actually it was a little more than 30 or so,. " I would take out the comma.

Content of the Chapter: I think you have got the balance of backstory, introducing minor characters, and exposition just right. I love the whole conversation between Oliver and Ben. It shows the differences between the two of them. It also shows just how consumed Oliver is with thoughts of Sara.

Suggestions I know I mentioned this in chapter one, but I would just go through and check how many times you use Oliver's name, rather than he. I appreciate you have to use names when he is speaking with Ben, but when it's just him, we know you are talking about Oliver.

The only other point is I was a little thrown when we started to see things from Ben's point of view. The first two chapters are Oliver, and then Sara. This chapter started out with Oliver's internal thoughts. But, then you write, "'What do you mean by that?' Ben frowned at the phone." And we're in Ben's head. It's probably down to me, as assumed it would just be from the two points of view, but it did throw me a little.

Final Thoughts: I really enjoyed reading this chapter. I love all the Writing.com references. You are beginning to introduce the reader to an interesting selection of characters, and it is shaping up to be a fantastic novel.

This is the last of your reviews, but once I have caught up on all the reviews from my shop, I would love to come back and read the rest of it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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392
392
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥Hooves♥

I am reviewing this chapter as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . It is the second review from your Chocolate Orange Crisp package.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: This chapter introduces us to Sara, and gives us some background into her. I'm glad you introduced them separately, as it gives you the chance to focus on them individually, before they come together. I love the irony that Sara is studying creative writing at the University of Virginia, which is in Oliver's hometown. I expected her to be in Los Angeles, and connected to the Hollywood side of the story.

Characterization: I like Sara. I could actually relate to her quite a lot, with the part about how she took care of her parents, and never really believed in herself. Her confidence has been knocked by the mean Professor Miller, who wanted a "little woman" he could call on to be at his beck and call whenever he wanted. I like this piece of information because it shows us a couple of things about Sara. Firstly, her naivety. She really believed this guy was all about her writing. But, also, we see that she isn't perfect. She knew he was married, and I can't imagine he was able to hide his lust for her, and yet she agreed to go to the University of Virginia with him. There must have been a part of her that knew what he wanted, even if she knew she would never give it him. But, I find that interesting in her character.

Grammatical Errors: Just a couple of commas. " ... Sara Riley was on the other side of the country tossing and turning ..." I would place a comma after country. Also, "Eagerly Sara turned on the monitor ..." I would place a comma after Eagerly.

Flow of the Chapter/ Story: This chapter progresses nicely. I love how you show both Oliver and Sara as people who are very picky about who they date, which often means they date no one. Neither of them are really bothered about finding someone, either. This is a great way of setting up the novel for what is to come.

Content of the Chapter: I love the end of the chapter, where you discuss a little further what Writing.com is about. You introduce the Storymaster and his emails, which is a nice touch. I love this last sentence of the chapter. It's a fab hook to keep us reading: "Clicking on her mailbox, she was even more surprised to realize all the new e-mails were reviews from the same author – someone called 'Ollie.'"

Final Thoughts: This is a great second chapter. I'm loving reading this novel. Both of the main characters are likeable, but I feel there may be a lot more to learn about both of them. It's a lovely, enjoyable read. Really great work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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393
393
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi ♥Hooves♥

I am reviewing this chapter as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . It is the first review from your Chocolate Orange Crisps package.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: Portfolio! That's what the port is in the title. I feel so stupid for not realising that. When I saw the title, I imagined a nautical theme running through the novel. I can't believe I didn't get that it is portfolio! This first chapter is a great foundation on which you can build the novel. We are introduced to the main character, given some of his background and personality, and given a clue to what the novel will be about—romance and love. It's everything a reader can want in a first chapter. I love how the setting is two people meeting on Writing.com. That's a stroke of genius, and it drew me in even deeper. I can't wait to read on and see how Oliver and Sara's relationship develops.

Characterization: The only character we meet is Oliver. But that's enough for this first chapter. He seems to be a good guy; quiet and unassuming. I don't think the success of his first three novels has affected him negatively. He still likes to help out other people, which is why he joins Writing.com. He wants to help other people with his reviews. He actually seems a little shy, to me. In addition, he is good looking. Not in an over-the-top-Hollywood kind of way, but he's tall, dark, and has "lively green eyes." (Nice description, by the way.) I like him. I really like him, and I think he will be a good protagonist.

Grammatical Errors: There is just this one place I felt a comma might help to clarify: " ... preferring to spend quiet time in his trailer or hotel room on the internet." I'm not entirely sure, but I think there should be a comma after room. As it is at the moment, it reads as though the hotel room is on the internet, not Oliver.

Setting: We don't get to see much of the setting yet, but that's because this chapter is setting the background for the story. Oliver spends his time between Virginia and Hollywood, where he is consulting on the filming of his third novel. I like the contrast between the university town in Virginia, where he is just the video shop guy, and the film set and hotel room of Hollywood.

Final Thoughts: Just one thing. Watch how many times you use Oliver's name. There was one paragraph, in particular, where you used it four times close together. As he is the only character in the story at the moment, it's okay to call him he a little more. The readers will know who you mean.

This is a fantastic first chapter, and a wonderful hook into the rest of the novel. I really like the main character, and I'm intrigued to see what will happen in his romance with Sara. I really enjoyed reading this.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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394
394
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi ♥Hooves♥

I've just read your poem, "Basset Hound Spring" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . It is the final review, gifted to you by Princess Megan Rose 22 Years .

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First Impressions I'm so happy you asked me to review this poem! Although, if I'm honest, I don't think I will have any helpful advice as it's perfect as it is. But, oh my, I loved reading this. A huge smile on my face the whole way through. The picture at the end is so cute. Is that Boo? I'm guessing it is. She's one beautiful pooch. This poem is pure joy. The relationship between you and your dog, spring coming into bloom; it's just fab. I have to say, I'm envious of how well-behaved Boo is!

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: I've never read a poem that's a set of limericks, all working together, before. I've only ever read single limericks. I really like how this works, though. The key to a good limerick is the humour, with the rhythm also playing a big part. You have delivered on both counts in this poem. The aabbc rhyme scheme makes the pace of the poem fast, and the final line of each verse having a different rhyme acts to highlight the punchline. It all comes together so nicely.

*StarG* What I really liked: All of it! I'm trying to choose my favourite verse, and I have to go with the one that begins: "May brought flowers, the world had blossomed." The following line is so creative and so funny, it's the stand-out line of the whole poem, for me: "Bees buzzed, birds chirped, so danced the possums!" I love your rhyme of blossomed with possums. It's a touch of genius. The last line is brilliant, as well; "Conquering seasons, tongues out! Behold!" It makes me so happy to read this. I love to read of your relationship with Boo. She sounds like a little angel, even though I remember reading a story about her that shows her naughtiness, also.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This poem is like the poetry version of soul food. Soul poetry. It makes the reader happy, and it makes the world seem a little lighter. It really does. I don't know whether you placed in the contest, or not. I hope so. You deserve to. This has been a great start to the day for me.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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395
395
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥Hooves♥

I've just read your poem, "Into The April Wind" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . This is the second of your reviews which Princess Megan Rose 22 Years gifted you.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Wow. That is the word that fills my head when I read this. Firstly, it looks amazing. This is such a clever form. It looks really appealing. It must be difficult to write a poem like this, especially to get it spot on, and to create such an emotional impact on the reader. It really has left me thinking, "Wow." There is so much emotion. It's easy to tell this is written direct from your heart.

I have to admit, I don't know a lot about Prince. I know his most famous songs, and I remember him dying and being shocked. So, I don't know the song you reference here. I'm going to look it up on YouTube tonight, though, because the lyrics are beautiful. It does seem to be sadly prophetic, doesn't it?

This is what I find really clever about your poem: the form you have written it in. Using Count Down-Count Up, and creating that hourglass, highlights the passing of time, and that time was running out for Prince.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: Despite the line lengths shortening, then growing, the rhythm isn't lost at all. Each line stands on it's own, and we pause to absorb each line because of it. It really works very well.

*StarG* What I really liked: "Prince's poetic friend, emotion" Oh my goodness! That's the best line I've read in quite some time. Even though I don't know Prince very well, this line reaches out and grabs my heart. I think, maybe, it's because, as a writer, I can relate to it. This line is also a kicker: "Destiny pulled a higher call." It's such a sad line.

*StarBr* Suggestions There's just one place I'm not entirely sure about. "Light dormant skies." I think there should be an s at the end of Light because you are saying Prince's singing lights the skies. Unless you are saying the dormant skies are light. In which case, ignore me.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a fantastic poem. It's so moving to read such a wonderful tribute to an artist who clearly meant a lot to you. I honestly can't praise it enough. Great work, Hooves!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

Rockin' Reviewer Sig. for PDG, September 2017.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
396
396
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥Hooves♥

I've just read your poem, "Live Like a Cow (20 Lines)" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . It is the first of the reviews gifted to you by Princess Megan Rose 22 Years .

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: This is great. It put a smile on my face right from there start. It's a great opening line: "Why can't life just be nice?" I know. Why can't it? I love how this is a look at the life of a cow, content with simply spending the day munching grass in the pasture, making milk, and coming up with ideas to write about. It sounds pretty idyllic to me.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: There are some wonderful rhymes in this poem. One of the nicest is this: "Dreams, schemes sugar and spice." (Although, I would place a comma before sugar.) I also think rhyming simple with wrinkle is a touch of genius. The poem has an abcb rhyme scheme, which helps to move it along at a great pace. It also helps keep the rhythm fairly even. The only place you haven't stuck to this rhyme scheme is in the first verse. I don't know whether that was intentional, but it confused me a little when the next verse was abcb.

*StarG* What I really liked: "People are the wrinkle / Ruining all the fun." That's brilliant. What a clever way of phrasing this. The whole verse that starts, "So, follow the cow pies," is hilarious. Living in the country, I've walked through fields with cows in more times than I can remember, and they are always full of cow pies. And their fragrance is not so great. So, I could really relate to that part. I also love the last line of this verse: "No worries, no voice mail." It sounds so good. "Making milk while blinking," is fab, as well. I could go on.

*StarP* Suggestions: I'm not completely sure about the last line. When I first read it, it felt like it has one too many syllables. I wondered if this might work: "Sweet dreams; bovine nights." It's just a suggestion. I do like it as it is.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a thoroughly enjoyable poem. It literally had me laughing out loud, and the smile really didn't leave my face the whole time. I see it was an entry for The Writer's Cramp, which means you wrote it in less than 24 hours. Huge kudos to you. It's excellent.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

Rockin' Reviewer Sig. for PDG, September 2017.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
397
397
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi James Heyward

I've just finished reading your short story, "Lions, Tigers, And Other Treasures" , and I'd like to offer the following comments as the second review from your Turkish Delight package.

My first impressions: I love to read this kind of story. Serial killers—psychopaths—stalking and hunting their prey. I love the way this story keeps me on the edge of my seat. You waste no time in going straight in with Julian jonesing for his next kill. The comparison between the big game hunters and the way he hunts people is really clever. Especially, as it's how he sees himself.

Plot: Julian Tepper is a serial killer who takes trophies from each victim, so he can relive both the hunt and the kill. In this story, he is building up to doing something to someone, and as soon as the waitress appears at his table, we know who it will be. I love how this story shows us Julian's thoughts. He really believes he is doing no more than someone hunting big game in Africa. I guess, to some, he's right. I love how you keep your readers guessing until near the end who his next victim will be.

What I really liked: I love your description of the waitress as she writes out the check. " Plucking a stub of pencil from behind her ear, she produced an oil stained pad of checks from her similarly soiled apron." That's such a great visual. You continue to show her chewing her pencil while she does the maths for Julian's check. Additionally, you tie this in to the end of the story by showing Julian imagining the pencil as his next trophy. He thinks about biting it like the waitress does, and says, "He felt quite certain they would line up very closely and wondered if he could smell her breath upon dimpled wood." Oh, so creepy! This is also a great line: " His expression had flattened to a blank, distracted stare that was both upon and beyond her." That's a wonderful description. I think we've all experienced a stare or two like that in our time, and it's very unsettling.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I have quite a few suggestions, so I've put them in a dropnote again.

Grammar Suggestions ▼

Suggestions: The whole way through, this is told from Julian's point of view. We see his thoughts, his memories. Then, near the end, you suddenly switch to the waitress's point of view: "Taking the money, she felt suddenly relieved that she had not suggested dessert. There was something she did not like about this man and she was happy he was leaving." It brought me out of the story momentarily, as it didn't seem to fit with the rest of the narrative.

The only other thing I would say is you could write a book about this guy. He is well defined in this story, and he has a lot of scope for development. I would love to read more about his kills and the trophies and where he keeps them. I would love to see how he gets caught (if he does). It would make a fab novel.

Final thoughts: This is a great read. I loved the characterisation of both the serial killer and his prey. The tension builds throughout the story, until we finally see Julian's plans as they come together in his mind. I really enjoyed it. Nice work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.
Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
398
398
Review of Matilda  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi James Heyward

I've just finished reading your short story, "Matilda" , and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of your Turkish Delight package from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: Wow. The first thing that struck me as I read this is the rich descriptive voice. The first paragraph is a fantastic hook to the rest of the story. I love this line: "Max scratched at the stubs where his left pinky and ring finger used to be, as he crouched in the brush, wondering." So many thoughts and questions passed through my mind when I read that. There was no way I wouldn't read until the end.

I love your description of the building compound where the branded men might be. "It was nearly four hundred feet tall, with strangler vines and ivy twisting a third of the way up its length." This is a great way of showing the magnitude of the building, and the huge danger that lies in Max going to investigate. It's so nice to read a story that really shows the reader everything from inside the story. I was standing, looking down at the complex, with Max and Spell. By going on to say that Max, like most people, can't read, you show us this is not the world as we know it. It adds to the dangerous feeling, as we don't know what to expect.

Plot: This is a story set in, I think, a future world. Maybe, a fantasy world. I'm not sure, but that's not really important for the purpose of this short story. What I know is, it's not 2018 in the Western world. The two characters are Max and Spell. Max, I think, is a young male. His exact identity is often hidden by a wolf's mask, both to Spell and to the reader. I like that. Spell is a young, frightened girl of between five and seven. She accompanies Max to try to scavenge for scrap metal and other goodies. Their destination is the vast compound, which Max worries is inhabited by the branded men. He sees what he thinks is their sign (the twisted heart) on the building. Despite this, he knows he has to try to find something of value. So he bids Spell to stay where she is, and goes to investigate on his own. Unfortunately, he was right about the branded men, and a fight ensues. The story ends with him being surrounded, and a fire encircling the compound, leaving him with no escape.

I love the scene where Max places the mask back on his face, ready to die as a Cainia (a warrior). Even then, his thoughts are for Spell, and he hops she will get away. That's a nice touch.

What I really liked: There is so much I loved about this story. I love Max's itching finger stubs. That's such a great detail. As I first read through, I found myself wondering who Matilda was, as the two characters are Max and Spell. Near the end, I found out. Matilda is Max's weapon: "something between a cudgel and a sword." Nice. This description is also first class: "He sprinted the last thirty feet, his moccasins whispering over the flat stones ..." I love the "moccasins whispering." It's clever. This description is also excellent. It describes the after effects of the phos-gun: "It hung in the air like a ghostly finger pointing in the direction from which he came ..." This creates a great forewarning that things won't end well for Max. It's also a great visual. I could mention so many other parts. I genuinely loved the whole story.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I've put a few suggestions in this dropnote, so you can ignore them if you so wish.

Grammar Suggestions ▼

Suggestions: I don't know whether this story is a part of a series, or connected to any other stories? I ask because it seems like there is so much I don't know. Like, I know the world has been destroyed once, but who are the branded men who have such riches? And, who are the warrior Cainia? There is no kind of resolution for Spell, and I would love to know whether they killed Max, or severed more body parts. The last line seems a little abrupt. One minute, we're in the height of the fire and Max has been caught by the branded men. Then, you write, "When morning finally came, the air was rank with the smell of blood and smoke, and Max’s knuckles never itched again." I guess, what I'm saying is I want to know more.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed this story. It's packed full of great description. I was hooked form the first word to the very last. The characters are endearing; Spell, in her innocence; and Max, in his affection for Spell and sense of duty. I loved it. Great work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

PDG sig, made for me by Hannah. October 2017.
Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
399
399
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi amy-Has a great future ahead

I am reviewing this article, as per your request. The review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

*Starv* Firstly, I love this. It is full of useful information. I've read things online about how you need to find your passion and use that for your business, but I've never really understand how that works. Jeff Goins is a big advocate of this. But, I have to say, after reading your article, it makes more sense.

*StarV* I love the structure of this. You begin by saying what you need to do, in the broader sense: find your passion. You go on to say how to do this: practise everything you think might be your passion on a regular basis, and what you're left with after a while will be your thing. I've never thought about that before. I actually wish I'd read this a year or so ago, when I was trying to figure it out for myself.

*StarV* My main suggestion relates to your use of the word that. This is a filler word that, a lot of the time, isn't necessary. For example, "It is something that you can’t go through the day without doing." Also, "Everyone in my family did agree that I wrote fascinating, involving stories. Everyone that I loved, loved my writing. They all agreed that I was happiest when I was writing." Whenever you use this word, just double-check it's really necessary. In all these examples, you could take it out, and the writing would be cleaner and tighter.

*StarV* A few grammatical points. "What are you most interested in. Can you make these things into a thriving, lucrative business." You need question marks after interested in and business. "I love writing-I always have." A hyphen doesn't work here. I would place a period. "What ever stays ..." You need to make what ever one word. "Therefore a business that involves ..." There should be a comma after therefore.

*StarV* As you can see, most of my suggestions are grammatical. In terms of content, I think you are spot on with what you say. I appreciate this is the first chapter, so I assume you intend to go on to explain what to do once you have found your passion. This could be really interesting, and incredibly valuable to whomever reads it. Personally, I know my passion is literature. Writing, reading, reviewing. But, what I don't know, is how to turn that into a business. So, I will be really interested to read where you go from here.

Rachel

New sig. for WDC Power Reviewers.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
400
400
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Beyond the Cloud9

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the final review from your Orange Creme Package.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* I love this! What a fabulous idea. An item that is purely made to advertise other writers' works. I think I've seen one other person on here with one of these, but it wasn't as comprehensive as this one. As I first read through, I was impressed with how many items you have linked.

*StarV* What I love about this is, firstly, your generosity. I love how you take the spotlight off of your own work, and ask your readers to read other people. That is a kind thing to do. I also love how you have set this out, using categories of items. So, we have some which are genres (like Horror/Scary and Fantasy), and some which are types (Informative, Short Stories, and Poetry, for example). It means, if the reader is looking for something specific to read, it's easy to find something that fits the bill. I really like that.

*StarV* I love lists. I'm just putting that out there. I have lists for everything, and they genuinely make me happy. So, I love this idea of having a list of people's work. There are so many I could include if I were to do this. I think we should all do something like this and put it in our ports. Wouldn't that be a fabulous event?

*Starv* I have one question for you ... Do you still add to this? Is it an ongoing endeavour?

I found this item to be a wonderful and generous idea. It's great to see authors supporting one another. I also just want to say it has been a pleasure to write these reviews for you today. Great work.

Choconut

New sig. for WDC Power Reviewers.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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