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2,012 Public Reviews Given
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Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
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176
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Mastiff ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . This review is also part of "I Write in 2020" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem has a seriously creepy feeling. I love the way it tells a story about this youngster called Mary who meets with some scary figures when trick or treating. But, it's okay; it's only a dream ... Or is it?

Voice/Tone: The tone is very dark. Very Halloween-y. I really like the way you begin with the innocence of Mary getting dressed up to go out to collect candy then show the scary, hairy bats, followed by the various Halloween characters, then ending up with the whole thing being a nightmare. I couldn't help wondering if it really was, though? I mean, I find that nurse a little freaky.

Mechanics: This poem is a traditional English Quatrain, for which there is a set rhyme scheme (which you've 100% nailed) but no set meter. However, to make the poem really smooth, it is good to keep a fairly even meter. There are places where you have achieved this, but there are also places it feels a little bumpy; the second and third verses, in particular. Although the choice is yours for how many syllables to each line, these are a couple of the places I would change: " She was all decked out so frightful and dandy." I would take out "all." Also, "It wasn’t anyone special that they were chasing." I would probably change this to, "With no one special they were chasing." The key is to keep the narrative sounding natural. Also, to keep the pace up and the words sounding fluid.

My Favourite Part: Although creepy in general, there are some moments of humour that really appeal to me. For example, "Then she fainted away as if punched in the jaw." Not that I'm into violence, you understand. But this made me laugh out loud. My favourite verse is the one that begins, "Pennywise, Mike, Jason, and Freddie." This made me smile as I had instant pictures of these scary folks in my head.

Suggestions: Only to look at the rhythm. Try reading it out loud. That's a good way to test how well it flows.

I enjoyed reading this poem. You tell a great story, and you have left me still wondering about that nurse. Nice work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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177
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥Hooves♥ ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . This review is also part of "I Write in 2020" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: It is always a treat to review your writing, so I'm really happy I came after you on the 'I Write' list this week. I was not disappointed as I first read through this poem. It captures the emotions of this year perfectly. But, in the end, you offer some comfort from having faith. I like that.

Voice/Tone: The tone starts out by reflecting the anxiety and difficulties we all feel as we move through the world with the pandemic. That line: "No touching allowed" sums it up perfectly. That is so hard, isn't it? I've seen my two best friends three times since March, and we haven't been able to hug. That has been tough. However, your poem does offer some hope as we move towards the end, and I'm glad you include that. "Faith" is the word with so much importance placed upon it. By having faith, you are able to have some comfort. You feel a little less alone, and you believe things will be okay again one day.

Mechanics: The poem is free verse, which you know I love. This is a wonderful example of that form. I love how you begin each couplet by saying "To ..." This gives the poem a fantastic pace and rhythm. Then, the second lines of each couplet begin with "No ..." I love this. And the way the poem turns when you mention your faith is clever.

My Favourite Part: I love the last line: "No more seasons in the rain." When I first read it, I thought the narrator was dying. But, when I thought about it, you are saying that better times are ahead. And they are. They have to be, right? I think my favourite couplet, though, is the fourth one: "To know that just one other heart longs for / No more sorrow and pain" reflects the comfort that having a faith brings.

This is a most enjoyable poem. I'm so happy I got to read it through 'I Write.' Beautiful writing, as always, tHiNg!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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178
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Penny Withers

I am reviewing this poem as part of the fabulous tournament: "Invalid Item" .

As a fair and just Hufflepuff, I want to point out these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love the direction you took with this poem. I'm not sure what I expected when I read your title and brief description, but it wasn't this lament over the things we are unable to do as the days turn colder. I especially like the image of an "overgrown man in disguise" as you wear more layers to keep you warm.

Voice/Tone: There is a definite feeling of wistfulness here. Days spent "cycling up hills" are mere memories, and the new normal is to stay at home, shut away inside. Much like Harry Potter underneath the stairs in Privet Drive.

Mechanics: The poem does not appear to be any set structure. The lines are uneven in their syllabic count, and the rhyme is a little confusing. So, based on this, I would say this is free verse with some end-of-line rhymes. However, your first verse does not seem to have this rhyme. Or, at least, the rhymes are not exact. Rhyming "passed" with "must" doesn't work, and I would try to change that. Then, the following verse has an abab rhyme. The final three verses are aabb in rhyme. The uneven rhymes and meter make the rhythm a little rocky. I appreciate it is free verse, so you can write it however you want, but having a little consistency would help the overall rhythm.

My Favourite Part: The last verse. It really made me smile. Despite my comments above, the rhythm of this verse is perfect. I love the image of the bike sat in the snow awaiting the coming of nicer weather. You should maybe throw an invisibility cloak over it, though, to make sure nobody steals it!

I enjoyed reading your poem. You have created some really nice images. Autumn is just arriving here in the UK, and soon we will have the cold frigidity of winter. I think this poem is very relatable. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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179
179
for entry "Facing the Shadows" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Ned ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . This is your second Chocolate Emporium review.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. This poem is very different to the last one of yours I read. It is incredibly emotional, and you pulled me in and got me lost in the scene. I had tears in my eyes by the end because I've watched both my Mum and my Dad pass away, and I totally understand that "unrelenting struggle between love and loss." I don't think I've ever heard it phrased so eloquently as in this poem, though.

Voice/Tone: I wasn't sure, at first, whether the narrator was death itself. But, I think, it is the loved one who is sitting with the person who is dying. The way the nurse does everything she can until there is no more that can be done and then lowers her head out of respect is very moving. I find it interesting how the nurse doesn't think the narrator understands the time has come to let go. I find that true to life. We know. We're looking for the tiniest sign to confirm that all hope is lost. This is a keen observation.

Mechanics: Free verse. Again, I love this form. In this poem, you have fairly even line lengths and syllable counts which makes it flow beautifully. But, in addition, you have mixed verse lengths which makes it seem more natural and organic. I love the two lines that stand on their own: "But she is just death’s watchman." and "She has permission to let you go." By isolating these lines, you highlight their importance in the story of your poem. The nurse is not death; she does not kill the loved one. She does, however, enable death to enter the room.

My Favourite Part: Your last verse is heartbreaking. That last image you leave us with brings tears to my eyes: "I hold your hand as you turn / away from the sun, and face the shadows." It's such a powerful picture because it describes exactly what it is like to be a part of this. Actually, I really like the whole metaphor of death as a shadow that chases us our whole lives until, eventually, it overtakes us. It's sad, but it's also rather beautiful. When I first read this, I thought it was a poem about COVID. And maybe it is. But, I think it's actually about all deaths and about anyone who experiences the loss of a loved one.

This poem is beautifully written. It really resonates with me, and I am sure that will be true of most people who read it. I just love your imagery of the shadow of death chasing our heels. Wonderful!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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180
for entry "A Boy and His Dog " 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Ned ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . This is the first review from your Chocolate Emporium package.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I opened your poetry book and was instantly drawn to this title. It reminded me of "Old Shep" but, thankfully, is not as sad. As I first read through, I had a huge smile on my face, and it didn't leave there once. Even your note at the end about how it was a "tragic story from childhood" made me chuckle. I'm sure it will have done the trick and made Jayne laugh.

Voice/Tone: The tone is light and humorous and a little bit nostalgic. I think part of the reason I found it so funny is that I could relate to your brother's story. At around the same age, I decided to leave home. I packaed a loaf of bread for sustenance and got as far as the end of my street. I wonder if this is something all children do at some point. I have to say I love your "worrisome" comment at the thought that maybe your parents helped your brother into the snowsuit to aid his warm getaway. That's so funny! When I first read this, I thought it was written about a real dog and the way your brother took him along for the ride. On reflection, though, I think it might have been some kind of toy. The way it stayed "on a string" makes me think that. Which is so cute. And cleverly deceptive.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse which I love. You have used the form well to narrate this story of your brother and his beagle-on-a-string. Your line breaks are spot on, and the poem has a wonderful rhythm and pace.

My Favourite Part: The last line is perfect! "'Cause I really loved that dog on a string." Brilliant! I actually love the whole scene of your brother getting dressed up to venture out on his own, but, being four, he "had no clear destination." Plus, he didn't want to miss dinner. His stomach ruled. As, I'm sure, is the case with most four-year-olds! It's so funny but so sweet and innocent at the same time.

I have no suggestions for improvement because I think it is perfect just as it is. I love the way you lure your readers in with thoughts of a lovely story of a boy and his dog (thereby, putting "old Shep" on repeat in our heads!), but then, we learn the dog is a toy and the boy tries to run away. It's not at all what I expected. And I love it! Great writing, Ned!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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181
Review of Solitude  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Jeff ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . This review is also a part of "I Write in 2020" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: For me, I love poetry that makes me feel something. This poem does that, big time! I love the way you have used the prompt words. You sound a little bitter, as though you feel resentment that society puts pressure on you to feel shame at being alone. When, actually, I think you mostly are okay with it.

Voice/Tone: As mentioned above, there is an undertone of irritation in this poem. You seem to be questioning why you should crave company and an end to your solitude. I totally get that. Society creates the image of people who enjoy their own company as being crazed serial killers. It's always the loner who did it! When, really, it just means we are comfortable with our own company.

Mechanics: The poem is free verse, which makes my heart sing. I loved how the poem looks on the page before I even started to read. Your use of alliteration in both the main verse and the couplet is fab. In particular, the fourth line where you have "shaped" and "shame." That is pure genius! There are other places where you have used this trick. The repeated s sound in the first two lines and the d sounds in the couplet. It makes the poem sound fantastic. Considering how small this poem is, it is massive when it comes to poeticism.

Rhythm: Thanks to your use of sounds and your placement of line breaks, this poem has a wonderful rhythm. It has a punch that really grabs the reader's attention.

My Favourite Part: It has to be the final couplet: "no diamond glitters quite so bright / as deliverance from social interaction." This dark humour really appeals to me. Although, if reading purely what is on the surface, one could take this to be a poem lamenting the author's single status. But, there's that undercurrent of irony running through it. That is what brings this poem alive, for me.

This poem is excellent! I read it aloud, and it sounded awesome. Really great writing, Jeff!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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182
Review of Pain  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Elexis LaFay ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . Welcome to Writing.com! You have picked a great time to join, with all the birthday celebrations this week.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I was drawn to your poem because I love poetry that expresses emotional vulnerability. And your poem has nailed that. As I first read it, it was clear you are writing from the heart.

Voice/Tone: This is a sad poem, and the narrator's voice sounds so uncertain and hurt. I feel sad for them because someone has caused them a lot of pain. I think it interesting that your third line ends with, "the love I have for you begins to erase." It offers a little hope that the narrator will overcome this hurt.

Mechanics: The poem is free verse, which is my favourite style of poetry. It gives the poet more freedom to express themselves. You have made this work to your advantage. You also have the occasional rhyme which helps to make the poem read smoothly. For example, the first two lines end with "inside" and "mind." Although not exact rhymes, they are enough to give the poem a little zip in its step. I like the difference in line lengths, also. It makes the poem even more interesting.

My Favourite Part: I love the positivity of the last verse. Here, the narrator acknowledges the pain they are feeling, but they also acknowledge they will get through it and come out stronger on the other side. That's a good message.

Suggestions: I like the different line lengths. I do. But I would break up the third line and put, "the love I have for you begins to erase" on a line on its own. It would make it stand out more. I'm also not sure about the first two lines of the second verse. Some of your word choices (puzzle, trying, together) make the rhythm a little off. Plus, they detract a little from the poeticism. Just a little.

This is a well-written, emotional poem. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope to read more of your work in the future!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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183
Review of The Book Worm  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Angus ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This review is part of an (old) Chocolate Emporium package.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This story really made me smile. I love the way you work the title into the plot, and the ending is perfect. I didn't see it coming. As always, you deliver a fantastic twist.

Plot: Chad Stevens is a kid after my own heart! He loves books so much he gets trapped in the town library. I think it's clever how Chad disappears overnight, after having Edgar Allan Poe and his friends come to tell him stories. I couldn't figure out what had happened to Chad as I first read through. When I reached that fabulous ending, I laughed out loud. Chad is a bookworm, living in the books. Brilliant!

Characters: As mentioned above, Chad is a cool kid. I can only imagine how wonderful it would feel to be locked in a library on your own all night. So many books, so many authors. I'm sure I wouldn't sleep a wink. I really like the way Chad pauses momentarily to think about the worry his parents will be feeling, but the pull of the books wins out.

What I liked: The twist. I loved the end of this story! "She always knew Chad was a bookworm." Fab! There are some great passages where I found myself relating to Chad. For example, "And on the rare occasions when his nose wasn’t stuck in a book, he was searching for a book to stick his nose in." That could have been written about me. I also really like the description of Poe as wearing "clothes from a bygone era." You don't need to elaborate any further; I pictured exactly what you meant before I even realised who you were describing.

I really enjoyed reading this story. It had a touch of horror, but that's not the only appeal. It is a character who — I imagine — any member of this writing site can relate to. And it's funny. Your humour is spot-on. Great work, Angus!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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184
184
Review of Pyrotechnics  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Sumojo ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. It is also part of "I Write in 2020" .

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is a lovely, nostalgic story about the magic (and danger) of Bonfire Night in the UK. I love how you followed the prompt and avoided using any of the taboo words.

Plot: When reading this, I thought it sounded like it might be not entirely fictional. The way you write about the excitement of Sally as she waits for her father to bring home the fireworks is so well written. I was right there with her, waiting to see what fireworks he would buy. As you listed them, I thought it sounded like something that would never be allowed in your garden nowadays because of health and safety issues. So, when John caught his trouser leg on fire, and the fireworks all exploded within a minute, it made me smile. The image of Sally's father hopping and jumping around made me laugh.

Characters: I love Sally's Grandma. The fact that she "donated" her husband's cap for the Guy made me laugh. I can totally imagine my Mum doing something like that. Actually, that's a really good idea for one of my hubby's old hats *Wink* What I love most about the characters is Sally. She is so well painted. Her energy and excitement are contagious. She really is a wonderful character.

Grammar: I have a few suggestions which I have put in a dropnote ...
Grammar Suggestions ▼

What I liked: The atmosphere! I could almost smell the sulfur and smoke in the air and hear the crackling of the fire and fireworks. It took me back to my own childhood and the feeling of wonder at seeing the amazing fireworks. I love the neighbourhood children gathering to watch and the feeling of belonging to a community. The humour at the end is great, too. The fireworks being over in a minute is such a disapointment for the children, but it's also a funny moment.

I really enjoyed reading this. It has a real sense of nostalgia, and it brought back some wonderful memories for me. Great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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185
Review of Winner  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Odessa Molinari ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This review is also part of "I Write in 2020" .

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is an amusing piece of satire. I love the premise of this (let's say) big-boned female who wins a dream date with her hero, Fernando. I smiled the whole way through, and it made me laugh out loud a lot.

Plot: This is a story about how, very often, our idols turn out to be different people to those we believe they are. In this case, Sheree wins a date with her hero, and he practically ignores her the whole evening, and she has next-to-nothing to eat (even worse than Fernando being an idiot!).

Characters: I feel so sorry for Sheree. I can imagine the disappointment she must have felt when her idol turned out to be a jerk. Even more, I can understand her annoyance at the pretentious food with its minuscule helpings. I love how she asked the driver to take her to the chippy so she can actually eat something.

Grammar: Just a few minor points. You spell "Madame" both with and without an e in different places. I would change them all to have an e because, without one, I think it means a madam in a brothel. (I could be wrong about that, but I think I'm right.) Also, "'How much? Sue was concerned for her friend." You missed the end quotation marks here. Finally, "'Shirley, isn't it ...' He speaks." It should be a small h in "he."

What I liked: Your humour really appeals to me. I love how Sheree asks for a dress that is four sizes too small, hoping beyond reason it will fit. I can relate to that! Who can't? I also think Sheree's reaction is brilliant when she wins. The first thing she thinks is, "Oooh shopping." Your description of the tiny food is fab, too. I disdain places that serve stuff like this, so I found this really funny. The photo of Sheree flashing her big knickers at the camera is a fab ending.

I really enjoyed your story. The character of Sheree is very likable and relatable, and Sue seems like a good friend who wants to save her friend from embarrassment and losing a lot of money. The pair complement each other really nicely. It's brilliant. I loved it!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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186
Review of Storm Brewing  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is also part of "I Write in 2020" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love this poem! I think you have really cleverly incorporated the prompt words into a unique poem that has a powerful message. At first, I thought it was written about some country in Africa where drought was killing people every day. However, when I re-read it, I realised you mentioned the Rocky Mountains, so it is actually about the U.S. I guess global warming is leading to a lack of rainfall.

Voice/Tone: The tone is fairly somber. The narrator is telling the story of this place that is plagued by drought. Some of your imagery is just about as good as I've read anywhere. For example, "charcoal clouds promise hope." In this one sentence, you paint a picture of dark, looming clouds on the horizon. Also, you show us what these clouds potentially mean for the community. At the same time, they feel slightly oppressive, contrasting with the feeling of hope. It leaves the reader with a mixture of emotions. That's brilliant!

Mechanics: This poem is free verse, which is my favourite form. I love the way you use differing line and verse lengths. It keeps the reader completely focussed on the poem. Your use of the prompt words is spot on. Additionally, the poem has a great rhythm.

My Favourite Part: The story you tell is clever. Your use of imagery and metaphors, similes works so well. I love this line: "to his ocean of sand." That is so clever; in describing a drought, you describe this "ocean" of sand. It's just fabulous! Also, I love this: "to wash away the memory / of our thirst." Again, this is a first-class use of language.

I absolutely love this poem, Neva. This is not the kind of subject matter I normally read about, but this poem captivastes me. The imagery is so clear, so evocative. It's a wonderful poem.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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187
Review of "Eleanor Rigby"  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Odessa Molinari ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is also part of "I Write in 2020" .

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I'm not completely sure what your prompt was, but it clearly includes dropping in names of Beatles songs. And you did a great job with that. I smiled as I read through and spotted the various titles.

Plot: I love how this piece of flash fiction is about a writer trying to write a Nobel Prize-worthy novel, but having to face the reality of earning money at the same time. The answer? To become a paperback writer! Love it! It's clever how you give the two characters names from Beatles songs: Eleanor Rigby and Penny Lane. Two of my favourite songs of theirs.

Grammar: There are a few places I would slightly change. Fisrtly, "Hi, my name is Eleanor Rigby." This comma isn't quite right. I'd change it to a semicolon. Then, " I had been up all night working on my masterpiece now I needed coffee." You have two independent clauses that need something to join them. Either "and" or "so" before "now" would work. Or a period after "masterpiece." Finally, I would place a comma after, the second "no one" in "No one, and I mean no one ever ..."

What I liked: My favourite Beatles song namedrop is in this place: "My writing's going nowhere, Man." That made me laugh. It's very creative. For such a short piece of writing, you have included some great details. I love the friend, Penny, who is very forthright with her thoughts and feelings. I love the end: "Nobel Prize, here I come." What writer doesn't dream of winning one of those?

This is a fun, little piece that I really enjoyed reading. Great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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188
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Review of Honing the Craft  
for entry "Week 3. May Flowers" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Tinker ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is also part of "Promptly Poetry Challenge (2023-2024)" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem is so clever! You took the prompt of five words beginning with the same letter and ran with it, big time. And, in the midst of this, you create the image of your garden with its beautiful blue, pink, and red flowers. By the way, I love how the five words are linked to each flower. Brilliant!

Voice/Tone: This poem creates a picture. You give your readers an image of a garden that is blooming with flowers. I could almost smell the sweet scents and hear the bees buzzing nearby. It's a very calming and peaceful picture.

Mechanics: Oh, so clever! It is free verse, but you have used internal rhymes and alliteration so well. Almost every line has its own alliterative words in it. I love that. It gives the poem such a great rhythm, and it makes it flow off your tongue when you read it. It's fabulous.

My Favourite Part: "Daisies dance along the back fence". This is a great image. It makes me think of those big daisies (I'm not sure what they are called) blowing in the wind on delicate stalks. It really does look like they are dancing. It also sounds really good, with the D sounds. The ending of April showers works really nicely, too.

Suggestions: Just one, and I'm not completely sure about it. "A riot of red rimmed roses rise." Should it be "rises" because "A riot" is singular? I can't decide for sure.

This is a fantastic and clever poem. It has made me feel sunny. We don't have a garden where I live now, and I miss seeing flowers every day. This poem took me back there for a little while, so I thank you. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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189
189
for entry "Week 4 - W/E 6/28/20" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Christopher Roy Denton ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . Itnis also part of "Promptly Poetry Challenge (2023-2024)" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Oh, Bob. This is so funny. I love your take on this prompt. As I first read through, I had no idea where you were taking it (despite the clue in the title which I overlooked). The first two verses are like a build-up to the main event. You tell us how important pedestrian crossings are for walkers' safety in the city. Fair enough. I tend to agree. But, then, we get to the third verse, and you had me laughing and laughing. I came away feeling so sorry for zebras in the city. I worry for their safety. Perhaps we should have crossings of yellow and red zig-zags or something. *Laugh*

Voice/Tone: The tone is light and funny. You plead the case for zebras in the city. They are too camouflaged to be safe. Where can they cross without being mown down? But, it's okay. You end with the following: " But zebras are such wily beasts, / they'll find another way." I felt much better after I read this. I have faith they will be able to stay safe. After all, I haven't heard of a zebra being hit by a car in the middle of a city.

Mechanics: The poem is written in common measure. This creates a fabulous rhythm. The abcb defe, etc. rhyme scheme adds to this fantastic pace. The poem is a joy to read, and when read aloud, it slides off the tongue. It's great.

My Favourite Part: The humour. I love how the whole poem tells a story, and I love how much it makes me smile. More specifically, I love these lines: "Except for zebras, who are cursed / with coats stripped black and white," I also love this: "and treats us all impartially / from wealthy toff to waif." This is the place I started to laugh. It's so creative. Even now, as I'm writing it, I'm grinning from ear to ear. One more place I have to mention is in the final verse where you write, "For crosswalks ain't for zebra-kind. / It's prejudice, I say!" I say, too! Poor zebras.

I love this poem. It really made me laugh. I love your sense of humour. I also really admire your use of common measure. You have the rhythm spot-on. Great writing!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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190
190
for entry "Chez Bugs" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Writer_Mike ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is also part of "Promptly Poetry Challenge (2023-2024)" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This made me laugh! It is so funny. Considering it is just four lines, you have created a fantastic scene. I can clearly picture Yosemite Sam and Bugs Bunny sitting down to eat together and Bugs adding a little extra something to the food.

Voice/Tone: The tone is light and funny. I genuinely laughed and laughed when I read the last line. It's so disgusting but in a brilliant way. I'll bet Sam grabbed his shotgun and aimed it at Bugs after this!

Mechanics: A Clerihew. You chose the perfect form for this poem. Personally, I find shorter poems much harder to write because you have to make sure every, single word is the exact, right one. You have no room for errors. I have to say, you have done exactly that. Your two couplets complement each other perfectly. The rhymes are spot-on, and the rhythm just right. This is a fab example of a clerihew.

My Favourite Part: I just like the overall sense of fun and humour. I love the visuals you give us of these two well-known characters. But, most of all, I love the slugs!

This is a great, fun poem, Mike. I really enjoyed reading it. It has put a big smile on my face. Nice work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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191
191
for entry "Nana" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Ned ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is also part of "Promptly Poetry Challenge (2023-2024)" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: One word: wow. This poem is completely absorbing. The relationship between you and your Nana is beautifully played out. I love the visuals of her "fingers knotted at the knuckles". When you add in the sounds, like the tick tocking of the clock (always counting down the amount of time you have left together) and the knitting needles working together, it is impossible to not feel as though I am right there in the room with her.

Voice/Tone: The tone is one of love. It is warm, and it reaches out to the reader and welcomes them inside. As you move towards the end of the poem, we see you outgrowing the mittens your Nana knitted, but not outgrowing the need for her love. At the very end, you write, "how cruel that happiness / leaves such marks", and this brought tears to my eyes. It's such a keen observation. Sometimes, it's harder to remember the happy times becuase they are a greater loss. Yeah ... that is really emotive.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse which is my favourite. You have written a fantastic piece of free verse. The internal rhymes and tick tock sounds that run through the whole poem are genius. As I read the poem, I could feel it counting down to the time of heartbreak. There is a wonderful rhythm and a great pace. Your mechanics are spot-on.

My Favourite Part: Oh, gosh. This is hard because I love everything about this poem. I think, though, the simplicity of your ending statement: "I remember / Nana" is perfect. These lines also tug at mt heart: "tick tock time takes / nature’s knife and etches / the lines of a life well-loved." That image of the deeper and more numerous the lines, the more love and life you shared is so moving. Oh, I also want to say, "tick tock knot of grey hair / fastened at the nape" is so good! It gives a great visual of your Nana.

Well, I think it's obvious I adore this poem. It has really moved me. I get a sense of a great childhood relationship with this woman you clearly love. I will end this review how I started it: wow.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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192
192
Review of Promptly Poetry  
for entry "There And Back Again" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Beholden,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is also part of July's mini-challenge in "Promptly Poetry Challenge (2023-2024)" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I really like this poem. I thought it was a great way to start this year of writing prompts, and I think you have done a great job with using the prompt. It is clever how the whole poem has a 'Solomon Grundy' vibe to it. I think this is intentional because you write, "Tuesday I saw that I'd gone too far." I like that.

Mechanics: I don't think this is any set form, but I love the end-of-line rhymes. These give the poem a fantastic rhtyhm. It slides off the tongue when you read it aloud.

My Favourite Part: Your opening line is great: "Monday I hitched my wagon to a star." I've heard that expression before, and it makes me think of a dreamer living life their own way in their own, little bubble. It seems romantic, to me. (It also makes me think of Lee Marvin singing how he was born under a wanderin' star, but I think that probably says more about me than your poem.) I also love the way you end this poem with resting on the seventh day by letting your "head hit the hay." The poem is amusing, and it makes me smile when I read it.

This is an enjoyable poem that is a great way for you to kick off your poetry book. Nice work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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193
193
Review of Fountain of Youth  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi fyn ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . This is your second Chocolate Emporium review.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I wanted to read some of your poetry for my second review because I always read your poetry newsletters. I was drawn to this title because, well, who hasn't searched for the fountain of youth from time to time?

Voice/Tone: I love the tone of this poem. It is written with humour, at first, and then wisdom. The way you reflect on finding the true fountain of youth in your grandchildren is really moving.

Mechanics: I think this poem is free verse, but with an abcb rhyme scheme throughout. The second stanza is shorter in syllabic count than the others and, actually, the rhtyhm is a little better in that stanza. However, the overall rhythm works really nicely. The rhyme helps with that.

My Favourite Part: This line is a real dazzler: "that make-up and hair color and wrinkle eraser". I laughed out loud when I read this. I can relate to your words so strongly. The line kind of skips along as well, which appeals to me. My favourite verse is the one that begins: "Laughter lines bespeak of humor." This verse is so true. It describes how the lines on our face, grey hairs in our head, are there to show the times we have lived; good and bad. It puts a whole new perspective on the signs of getting older. Then, you end with showing us how your grandchildren will always keep you young. It's a lovely way to end. Perfect.

I really like this poem, Fyn. It is warm and funny and loving. It makes me smile and gives me a warm feeling inside. Nice work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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194
194
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi fyn ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is a Turkish Delight review from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This story is fab! I love the way you don't explain the circumstances surrounding the mass power outage. It could be any, old power cut, caused by fallen trees onto power lines. But, we know it's more than that by the plane falling out of the sky and by the main character's father preparing for this happening.

Plot: You hooked me right at the beginning with the person walking through the snow in the dangerous part of the neighbourhood, trying to get home. Immediately, your readers have a sense of unease, a sense that something terrible could happen to your character. It really is a great hook.

As you take us through the story, we try to figure out why there is no power. The outage is so bad that a plane falls out of the sky and Rob's cab stops dead, forcing him to walk. Everywhere is silent as he walks. No footsteps in the snow, no people around, and this adds to the sense of suspense that is constantly building. Then, when Rob finally gets into his parents' home, he finds them both dead. It felt inevitible, but it was still a sad moment when he first found his mother. We wonder who is responsible for this death and destruction. The confusion continues until the end, when Rob and Sam are driving to the safety of the cabin, and gunfire can be heard around them.

Characters: Rob. I have to be honest, it surprised me when I discovered he was male. It was fairly near the end, when Samantha called him Uncle Rob. It kind of jolted me out of the story momentarily. I'm not sure why. I just thought he was a woman. He is a great character, though. And, I love the partnership between him and Sam.

Grammar: A few minor points which I have put in this dropnote:
Grammar/Typos/Punctuation ▼

What I liked: So much! I love the mystery. I love the suspense, the feeling of danger and of not knowing what is happening. I wonder if it is an attack from Russia or North Korea. The scary thing is, the scenario you have described isn't outside the realms of possibility. More specifically, you have some beautiful descriptions. "The veil of civility shredded in mere moments as the inner beasts came out to play." That sets a menacing scene that instills that great feeling of suspense in your readers. I think my absolute favourite part is where Rob hears the cardinal sing for the first time in years. That really struck a chord with me. I also love the way you write, "I watched as several miles away a jet fell from the sky." This is casually thrown into the narrative, and the way it is casual makes it even more jarring. It's a brilliant shock, and it ensures there is no way your reader will leave your story before the end.

Suggestions: I think the only area that was a little weaker in this was the emotions of your characters. Rob sees a plane fall from the sky, he finds his parents dead in their beds, he learns his sister is almost certainly dead. But he doesn't have much of an emotional response to any of it. He does take a moment after finding his parents, but immediately after, decides he is hungry and makes a sandwich. The same with his niece. As soon as she learns her family is dead, she thinks of the cabin in the woods and finishes off the sandwich. If you ever revise this, it might be good to explore their emotions further.

I loved this. You could write a whole novel about this. It's a fantastic starting point. And the team of uncle and niece can work really well. Really great writing, Fyn!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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195
195
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi ruwth ,

I am reviewing your blog post on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is also part of "I Write in 2020" .

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* As I read through your post, I found myself with lots of questions. Like, firstly, what is a tax auction? I've never heard of one of those.

*Starv* That isn't so important, though. The most important question is: How on earth do you cope without any utilities? No water, gas, or electric sounds super tough. What do you do for something as simple as a cup of coffee? I have a best friend who didn't have an inside toilet until she was about twenty. She lives in the middle of some woods, so it was really scary having to use her facilities. She also had no hot water in her younger years.

*Starv* One of the things that struck me about this item is how you seem to remain cheerful, and it sounds like you are coping fairly well. I love the part where you say you got carried away with the heat of the auction. I've been to a couple of auctions, and I totally understand how that could happen.

*Starv* In terms of writing, I have a few comma suggestions. "Actually, two people bid against me and I lost the property I had hoped to buy." - I would place a comma after "me". Also, "It was the end of the auction and I had not won a single bid." - The comma should go after "auction". Finally, "One of these was in town and two were in the outlying area ..." - Place a comma after "town". Whenever two independent clauses are joined by "and", there is a comma before "and".

This is a really interesting read. Have you been living in this house since the auction in 2017? How do you cope? I take my hat off to you!

Choconut

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196
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Review of I Write In 2020  
for entry "Problematic Pandemic " 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi 💙 Carly ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This review is part of "I Write in 2020" .

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I love the direction you took this prompt! It is creative and clever, and it really had me smiling.

Plot: This is a reflection on life inside the COVID pandemic. It looks at how we cope with braving the outside world for necessities, and what we do when we can't access those necessities. After reading this, all I can say is I'm glad I don't have a brother! *Laugh* The way Rosa dresses in a colourful ski mask and cleaning gloves to go to the supermarket would have seemed bizarre a year ago. Now, though, few people would bat an eyelid at the sight.

Characters: This story centres around the characters of Rosa, her brother Glen, and their mother. Rosa seems sensible, despite the funny clothes she wears. I had to chuckle when you wrote that Glen refused to wear a mask or any other protection. I know someone like that. He seems pretty immature, but I don't know how old the siblings are. Clearly, old enough to get groceries. Personally, I've been doing my grocery shopping online for a few years now, and I like it that way.

Grammar: I have put a few suggestions in this dropnote:

Grammar/Typo/Readability Suggestions ▼

What I liked: I love the way you capture the reality of life in lockdown. The sense of fear, of potential for contracting the virus wherever you go. Also, the boredom and difficulty younger people have in understanding the gravity of the situation. Not only younger people, to be fair. But you get the mood of the piece just right. It's a great slice of life.

I enjoyed reading your story. I got lost in it straight away. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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197
197
for entry "Two Sides" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Jeff ,

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is also part of "I Write in 2020" .

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice is given with the sole purpose of being helpful.

*StarV* This is an interesting blog entry. I've noticed, many times, how I remember an event one way, but those who were with me remember it differently. It's fascinating how we do that. I guess it's that the only first-hand evidence we have comes from our own, unique perspective.

*StarV* It must have been really frustrating for you to work so hard, only to have some of your colleagues feel you weren't doing enough. The boss should have been objective enough to look at the whole situation, not just what they wanted from you.

*StarV* Human psychology is interesting, isn't it? And, I think, that's what this boils down to. Also, I think it depends on what you want from a situation. For example, many (many!) years ago, my dad went to a football (soccer) match. The newspaper reports the following day sang his team's praises. If your only knowledge of the game had been the newspaper, you would have believed his team was on fire. However, from where he was sitting, he saw endless missed chances, very little possession of the ball, and a thoroughly dull and pointless game. But, it was in the newspaper's interest to make it sound fantastic. It sold more papers.

*Starv* I like the way you lay out your argument in this entry. The flow of the argument is smooth, and your conclusion clever. I like how, objectively, you could see both sides of the argument even though, subjectively, it wasn't at all fair on you.

This is a great blog entry that brought back some happy memories of my father (which was a nice by-product of your writing). Great work, Jeff!

Choconut

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198
198
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Elena ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E] following your review request.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I love to read stories about the Titanic. Even before the famous movie, I had a fascination with the human stories that come from the tragedy. I really like the route you have taken. Josephine and Victoria are great characters, and Josephine's deafness gives the story an interesting slant.

Plot: The story of the Titanic's sinking is one everyone knows. So, the visuals of the ship standing on its nose and breaking in two are already in our minds. That said, I like your description of the size of the ship at the beginning. I love Josephine's sense of wonder. It's nice to see the ship through the young girl's eyes. The plot unfolded mainly through exposition. Most of it felt like a story I was being told, rather than a story I was in the middle of. I did enjoy the story. I think you created an interesting plot. I loved the way Josephine could hardly hear all the fear and noise and confusion when they are getting into the lifeboats. It made me think about the different perception she may have had to other people who could hear the screams.

Characters: If I'm honest, I missed the part in the beginning about Josephine already having hearing aids that weren't very good. Because she only communicated through sign language and didn't hear anything, and because she was going to America to get hearing aids, I assumed she didn't have any. So, when she took her hearing aids out before bed, it threw me. I had to go back and check whether she already had them. But, anyway. Aside form that, I really liked Josephine. Victoria is very protective of her. But, she is a normal kid who just wants to explore and have fun.

Grammar: I have some suggestions which I have put in a dropnote ...
Grammar/Typo/Spelling Suggestions ▼

What I liked: "Josephine couldn’t hear the people in the water but she could feel them." I love this sentence! It's such a great way of showing the reader how Joesphine experienced this physically. I really like the different way you look at this famous disaster. Some of your descriptions (especially the sunrise and sunset ones) are really good. I also love the relationship between Josephine and Victoria. It's sweet. Victoria is feisty and a great protector for Josephine.

Suggestions: Firstly, I would take a look at the amount of exposition you include in this story. A lot of the narrative is passive (a lot of "was", "were", and "haves"). Using these words reminds the reader they are being told the story. So, while we picture the things you describe, we don't feel like we're there with the characters. It places a bit of a barrier between writer and reader. If you move the action along with description of what the characters are seeing, feeling, hearing (or not), tasting, smelling, thinking, it makes the story a lot more immersive. My other suggestion is to watch your point of view. Most of the story is told from Josephine's point of view, so when I came to, "Victoria shrugged. The Catholics were entitled to their beliefs, though she did not agree with them all.." it confused me. In a couple of other places, you show Victoria's thoughts. I would take those out so you can keep the 3rd person POV for Josephine.

I enjoyed reading your story. If anything, I would have liked to read more. I'd love to know what happened to Josephine and Victoria. Did the young girl get her hearing aids? It's a great story from a different perspective. Nice work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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199
199
Review of Heaven's Angels  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Odessa Molinari ,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This review is part of "A Writing Exercise" .

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is an intriguing scene. You have some nice descriptions and interesting characters. I love the setting of the bikers' bar. I could picture it and hear the heavy metal.

Plot: A woman is looking for a guy named Ozzie. However, she is too late. She has turned up at his farewell celebration. If I'm honest, I would have liked a bit more information. The scene is short. What details you give are really good, but there wasn't a lot of them. An example of your great description is the paragraph that begins, "Through the haze of cigarette smoke ..." is a fab scene setter. I really got a feel for the atmosphere in the bar. I found myself a little disappointed at the end of your scene. It ended abruptly, and it didn't feel like an ending that ties everything up. Who is the woman? Why is she looking for Ozzie? Who is Eliot Brown? These ends need to be tied up.

Characters: The way you show your character's voice trembling and hand shaking gives a brilliant insight into how anxious she is. I really felt for her. I liked how the bikers welcomed her as soon as they realised who she was looking for.

Grammar: I have a few suggestions which I've put in a dropnote.
Grammar/Typo/Punctuation Suggestions ▼

What I liked: This: "The Harleys lined up like horses outside a western saloon ..." That is such a great visual description! I like how brave the woman is. Whatever her mission is, she is scared to be in the bar, but she does it anyway. I like how the bikers accept her. Although, I would have liked a little more resistance from the guys.

Suggestions: I think this needs a few more details. You have places where you could expand to make it more immersive. One place where you could make a simple change is, "I had to push a couple of empty chairs out of the way to reach the bar." What kind of chairs? What do they look like? If you changed it to something like, "I pushed a couple of old wooden chairs out of the way, and they scaped along the floor, setting my teeth on edge." It is more of a visual and physical description. I would also try to add more senses into this. Show the action through hearing, taste, smell, sight, touch. It really does pull the reader deeper into the story.

I really like this scene. I am intrigued to know more about the characters. Why is this woman searching for a dead biker? Is she his mother? It's interesting, and with a few tweaks, I think it could be excellent.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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200
200
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi MirandaCookies COLLEGE SOON ,

I've just finished reading your short story, "An Ebony Confectionary " , and I'd like to offer the following comments. This is your second Chocolate Emporium review.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: The thing that most struck me as I first read this story is the relationship between Mia and Malia. They are completely at ease with each other. I have two best friends, and the three of us have been best friends since we were younger than Mia and Malia, and we have that closeness to this day (over thirty years later). So, it was nice to be reminded of how our relationship was when we were teenagers.

Plot: This isn't a big plot-based story. Rather, it is a slice of life. It is a scene in the life of Mia and Malia as they bake a chocolate cake together. I could almost smell that cake cooking when you described the "warm scents of cocoa" that "wafted through the air".

What I really liked: You are so good at choosing the right title for your pieces. This one, like the last I read, is clever and punchy. Personally, I often find titles to be the hardest part of writing. But you have a natural talent for getting it right. I love this description near the beginning: "A splash of a painter’s brush splattered the sky ..." I really like that. It creates a beautiful picture. The other thing I love about this story is the girls' relationship. But, I think you know that already.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I have a few suggestions which I will put in this dropnote.

Grammar Suggestions ▼

Suggestions: I would go through this story and take out all the unnecessary details. These are details that do not progress the story or build character at all. They are details that, if removed, will not affect the story at all. So, for example, you discuss Malia's height quite a lot, but it has no bearing on the story at all. I would cut this. Another part that I would either omit or expand on is the video. I thought we would get to "see" the video and what was on it, but it's thrown into the narrative and not mentioned again. The other point to consider is how the story is set in the very early hours of the morning. The mother who works hard as a doctor is asleep in her bed. Yet, the girls bang around in the kitchen, making a cake and listening to "loud music blasting". That seems pretty thoughtless of the girls, and I'm not sure they would do that. Not the music part, at least.

Final thoughts: I hope this review is helpful. I love your talent for descriptive writing. If you can write the action through the description, your writing could be pure magic. It's a learning curve, for sure. But, you are starting quite far along that curve. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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