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In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I am not familiar with this activity. But I do not do many music inspired prompts beyond the occasional 72hr media challenge. I am not much into music really at least not popular vocal music. I prefer instrumental music where people do not and can not murder the lyrics. I appreciate music but it must always be sung the first way I heard it or it is wrong. That is not always possible even for the same artists, think Hanson. I found these thoughts on music by someone who is much more into music than me very illuminating. I very much appreciate the way this site and the brave artists on it expose me to a wide variety of attitudes and beliefs. It helps me grow as a person and helps me write about characters with different experiences than my own. I love the insights in this piece and the easy style in which it was written. It was a very positive read for me. Thank you for sharing I just wish I had some helpful suggestions to improve it, but I think it easily stands as what it wants to be. Nice job.
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Review of Vera.  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I did this contest last week. I found the prompt entertaining and inspiring, with so many cool directions it could be taken. This story is one of those cool directions. I thought about the you will miss me when I am gone direction. It is a funny one. I like that you made the voice of the virus female. Though you could have made that clearer earlier in the story. It gave me a giggle to think of the voice commenting on his male behaviors in a female voice but male mannerisms. You did not show that but it would have been funny. It also would have been funny if she gave him an overly cute pet name. I do have to say there is nothing harmless about a voice that talks incessantly not even allowing sleep. I guess there is no permanent harm. Is Vera the type of virus you can only catch once or might she come back? Is there only one infection that goes from person to person or is she one of a community of viruses? How is the virus transmitted? Okay those questions are not fair to you I did not answer them in my story either.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Contest Entries  
for entry "Living it in Style" 
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I can not see the inspiration here but that is my fault I do not think I know the song well. The story of the poem is interesting. There are definitely characters. The setting feel like the seventeen hundreds to me. Probably because of the free time to brush her hair for an hour and the idea of a party. There is a plot basically a girl systematically getting ready for said party. We discover that her primping has resulted in a well described prize that she takes home to her parents. So it has most of what is needed to be a story poem. The trouble is that none of the characters have any development. We do not really know the cost of the win for the character or the value of the win to her. Is she trying to prove something to her parents? Her friends? Herself? There just are not any real stakes for the character in doing this. How old is she? Is she a child just showing off her looks? Or is she a young woman who is beginning the socially necessary task of finding a mate to support her? Because a girl who feels good about brushing her hair for hours really is not likely to be able to support herself.

Thank you for sharing this little poem it is cute and really made me think.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Some of this review references part one of this story because it took reading this part to realize the importance of unimportance.


Okay, I was a little disoriented when I started reading this half I didn't understand how Matt had gotten to the alien world. I also didn't understand how the supreme high one got into the situation he did.

I think this story would benefit from being made into a book item which would allow you to put each chapter into a separately accessible segment then it would be easier to flip back and forth when reading and it would also make it more likely that someone would try reading at least a part of it.

As for the story, the quality of the dialog and immersion in the story has improved all through the story.

I feel like this story was going somewhere with the UN scene and the leader's last student.

I was extremely disappointed at the ending though. It was like Matt threw up his hands and said he was done so the story ended. Then you tell us jaz has been promoted to leader and the leader permanently demoted.

One of the potential threads I would loved to see developed is eternity her father should be sent to her and she could help him deal with being cut off. Otherwise what really was the point of mentioning her.

Matt's apartment or house or whatever is left vacant for months and no one so much as does a welfare check on him, including the police who know him to be the victim of a violent mugging.

Why did jaz react to the high one's birthname like he was a war criminal. Why even mention that name if you aren't going to make it significant.

The three ladies that found Matt after the mugging don't need to be named or given as much attention as they were they just don't matter to the rest of the story.

The story of the odd one confused me I thought it was the leader taking on yet another identity. If he was part of one of the parables the leader was telling them the latter discussion of tay and her mentor was unnecessary because the leader would have known. The prior mention of the odd one is unnecessary to the overall story and complicates things for me it is another section you could leave out in favor of having room to better develop the ending.

I like the way the aliens see and describe colors that is one of the best bits about them.

This story is full of great potential. The characters, the world's and cultures are vivid. Some of them don't need to be as vivid so as to contrast with the characters at the center of the action.

It is a good story at its core about 90% of what it wants to be. Compared to the work already obviously put in there is just a little reshaping and shaving to do. It could benefit if it had fewer words but only because it would bring the focus even tighter. Remember this isn't an essay where you have to pay the length for the sake of your grade. If a word, sentence, character or chapter that doesn't carry your story forward it doesn't need to be there at best it is a distraction from the focus.

Please consider finishing the process and editing because I have seen how far you've come and I want to see you cross the finish line.
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Review of Ignatia  
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
These characters are strong.their relationship is well defined. Their dialog carries the story forward well. As for grammar and structure nothing was so egregious as to pull me out of the story at any point. It works well for me and it would make for an excellent start to something cool.
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In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The first chapter has a lot of information you need to know about the aliens, but you pile it all on the reader’s shoulders too quickly. I like the alieness of the aliens but they are at least relatable in an alien way. It seems a pretty good balance. But the elder telling the story to a reluctant youngster has a resistance to the knowledge you are trying to share built in and none of it has action to draw you in to catch a reader I think I would suggest starting the story with chapter two.


chapter six had a few word choice errors


"I saw what happened and have no answer." Dr. Schmitt began, "I have never seen this happen. Our patience is full of surprises. I need to go and examine the previous blood sample. Do not try any more IVs until I find an answer. Until then, Matthew, we will wait for the MRI results. I have another question: have you experienced any other changes?"

it should be patient not patience


The Elders, who were Out of Phase, were the easiest to tap into. He found their secrets first. He did not act on them; he kept their thoughts and plans in case a timer would arise where he needed to act upon them.


It should be in case a time would arise not timer


chapter seven

the more you explain in the alien scenes the less you really need chapter one as an info dump if I read chapter seven as though I hadn’t read chapter one I am fine.


Chapter 15

I am confused about the explosion and why eternity does not recognize the high one I thought he was selected because he had the color of the highest peaks so shouldn’t she recognize him. This chapter tangled all of the previous chapters up for me.

Chapter 16

The Defender in Green was spotted in several parts of the city late morning into mid-afternoon. Citizens would state that he appeared out of nowhere and disappeared by flying away or just disappearing.

It is a little redundant you could probably just stop at disappeared

Chapter 20

Joe paused for a few minutes, then began again, "Matt, I want to thank you for doing this for me and for me. It is much more than I thought would happen. I can make a fresh start in my life. There are things I will do differently and never do again. Don't worry. I will visit Misty and the girls from time to time. You are only a five-minute run from me. We never evaluated your flying time. Before you say anything, I leave my feelings about Erin's death here. I couldn't move on because everything reminded me of her and our life together. That shadow was too much to step out of."

I am confused about who is saying what in this paragraph



He is on the Federal Bureau of Investigations' ("FBI") Ten Most Wanted List for anything you could think of. This guy thinks he is a criminal genius because he has never been caught. We have enough to put him away for several lifetimes without parole. This is most likely a trap."

just go with FBI everyone knows what that is you don’t have to spell it out.

Chapter 23

I had guessed that eternity was the high one’s daughter though I am not sure having male and female Hydranousians is applicable they would more likely be genderless since they reproduce by budding. Other than that you have done a great job of making the aliens alien but relatable.


In summary

You use a lot of extra words in your dialogs that people just don’t bother with when they are talking. You have a long story here and it might help you trim the size to something more managable and readable if you went through all of your dialog and read it aloud. Usually people state things pretty simply.



It is a big improvement over the previous drafts of this story that I have read. i think you really have balanced the alieness of the aliens with reliability to characters we all can understand.

I think you should double check the sequence of events happening on the alien planet they sometimes seem a bit jumbled.

and some of the dialog is hard to follow without proper paragraph breaks and punctuation.
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Review of Contest Entries  
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love love love dragon poems! It always seems like there is so much dramatic possibility with them, even when they are on their own. This one has faries, pixies and whatnots to interact with. I was more than a little disappointed that the dragon did not interact more with the smaller creatures. It seemed singlemindedly focused on the idea of treasure and that seems to miss a lot of opportunities to expand the stereotypical version of a dragon. I like dragons when they discover that friendship is the biggest treasure and it just keeps growing every day. The idea that he ultimately discovered the treasure of knowledge that was a good twist. And perhaps not as cliche. I think this last few lines could have been clearer as to what physical transformation is involved in becoming a wizard. I would have thought the dragon would just get a wardrobe of robes and pointy hats to become a wizard but the poem implies he becomes something entirely different and has to transform back into himself. That ending was a bit of a jarring way to go.
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Review of The Adonis  
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love it. The contrast between the steamy fantasy and the reality of her husband is absolutely perfect. The imagery from the first part really drew me in and I was ready for it to get hotter rather than beating the heat. I like the element of an all inclusive resort. I admit when the husband accused her of not working I thought it was less a complete fantasy and more the fantasy of a woman working pools side at an all inclusive resort as a towel girl or a waitress. the reality of the situation was much better and definitely grabbed me well. I loved that she argued back that sometimes you write in your head first. I know I do. I tend to have mapped out an entire plot and played around with some ideas for the perfect scenes for a story before I ever even look at paper. At that stage my characters are defined but fluid, I name them but as I play with the idea for days and the original name slips away I give them a new one about the time the name starts sticking I know it is ready to be outlined. I wonder if that is why the adonis has no real name.
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In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
THis is a cool sounding story. Ryan seems a natural born hero. `This has so many ways it could go from here and I would be interested in reading more of it. One slight thing though it would be easier to read if you put extra returns in between paragraphs. THey all ran together for me and I had to reread in several places to find the right completion of a sentence. the font size is pretty good, fairly readable but the lines run together an awful lot. Also a wordcount would be nice so a person knows how long a read they are signing up for. not that I am complaining, it was a fun read. I love the characters I so want to read more of this story. Everyone in the fantasy land is so kind to Ryan and I wish the real world had a bit more of that.

Come ride with us!
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Review of Don't @ Me  
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I loved the flow of this poem. written in un rhymed couplets where the last word of the couplet is the first word of the next two lines. It is very stream of consciousness. this poem feels effortless but I could defintely see the difficulties in writing it. A lot of thought probably went into how it would flow.

This poem really covers the realities and emotional landmines of social media. Reading this and pretending i don't know what it is about I question why anyone would put themselves through that kind of torture. If someone from before social media wouldn't understand it in the least. I hate that this is what our whole culture measures itself by. Makes me want to convert to the Amish lifestyle and religion.

I would suggest combining all of the author's notes into one dropnote to remove some of the clutter.

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Review of The Lightning Bug  
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
How sweet. They save a fairy and find true love in each other, with a little help from fairy dust. I would think that Talulah and the kids would become fast friends for a while. But eventually, she would fade from reality for them. I wonder if they really think about that night when they are reminiscing about their love. It is a really magical story. I do think the foreshadowing about the special lightning bug isn't necessary I would suggest just letting the story unfold without it. The ending was a little awkward. It does not flow quite right for me. is she cupping her chin when the fairies are dusting them? Then the comment about the anniversary should not be in the same line. And the anniversary tomorrow would not be a case of WAS.

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In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really sympathize with this paragraph. I feel this way a lot. I have my own fantasy escapist story that I play around with when I have time. Eventually some of the characters and events make it into my written stories. Perhaps something like this would help. Like when I am doing dishes I am not doing a simple household chore, I am a princess hiding among the kitchen drudges from the evil usurper king plotting to avenge my family and reclaim the throne.

When it comes to your actually written words... They are honest, true, and fantastical they scream for a treatment as a poem. You don't have to follow a complex form or rhyme even it is called free verse and that is what it is, free. Dragons can fly and you can still be grounded in reality.

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In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a sweet story. It is a fairy tale of sorts since I find it hard to believe that anything short of actual magic would turn the heart of so horrible man as Rabban. Speaking of the name it reminds me of the character of Rabban in Dune by Frank Herbert. Herbert's Rabban is a beast of a man, so much so that it is his title- The Beast Rabban. He ground his subjects beneath his boots. It was the memory of that Rabban that colored my understanding of this character. It was a very good choice for conveying a character in a few words. Just a few small mentions of cruelty was all I needed to confirm the character type. I was impressed by the unicorn and the fox were able to wash away the cruelty in such a sneakily honest way.

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In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
THis poem defintely makes the point that not all fools are what we would consider stupid. They often know a lot or at least enough to make them dangerous. THis brings to mind flat earthers, and other conspiracy nuts. They know just enough to make a bit of logical sense by using just enough of the truth to make a point but not enough to actually be telling the truth that their truth comes from. These high IQ fools are some of the scariest kind because they know enough about enough to sound like reasonable people to those with more actual common sense. The high IQ fools lead to errors like trumps presidency, cults and military intelligence. I wish there was a spray called fool be gone that you could spray and fools would just loose their voices which is the most dangerous part of them.

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Review of For giveness  
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
THe division of the word forgiveness into two words is more than slightly confusing to me. I can't understand what the poet is attempting to do with this... It does not seem to add any meaning in dividing the word... it makes it more confusing for me. I would suggest just removing the division. the last line confuses me too. i don't know where the crosses and rings phrase is coming from. Is it an allusion to some old element or story? I had difficulty chewing on this poem. I think it needs to be a little longer to either explain itself better or a little shorter to leave out the confusing elements. I really want to like this poem. The message is clear for me even if the flow is awkward for me.

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In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
If the demon is praying is there a chance that god would let it remain despite being a demon. It hadn't done anything particularly demonic. it is described as being loving and caring enjoying life. it would really be a shame for it to be driven out just because of a technicality. I would suggest a drop note with a little more information on the prompt and the contest or challenge this was written more. from the tone of this piece I would be interested in participating. Perhaps you could add a link to the activity, of course if it is still active. even if it isn't active just in case it opens up again. I really would like to know the demon-child's name. it is just a nitpicky curiosity that I have when a story is this good.

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Review of Waar is my kat?  
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh what a cute story. I had trouble writing this section of the wonderland challenge, the first time I entered. The second time I chose to write about my dog but it didn't quite fit as well. I really like the bit about the man thanking his wife for the answer since he could not speak the language. If only the author had defaulted to english they would have had an easier time to communicate. But then given the setting that would be an egotistical assumption that the couple would be english speakers. I would suggest doing something more visual to separate the prompt from the story. perhaps a larger or smaller font or a different color. It is not a critical change but it would be more aesthetic for me.

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Review of Just Visiting  
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What a creepily good short story. I could guess from the beginning that the man was a ghost. it was something like the aura of the writing. I would suggest putting the author's not in a drop or pop note to set it off from the story. I would also increase the sized of the font to make it easier to read. THe breaks between paragraphs are good leaving the story in easily digestable chunks as would be necessitated by a dialog only story. I would be interested in reading a version embellished with a little more physical description in addition to the dialog, just to see if it added to it. It would mean I would better be able to see the man in his soldier uniform instead of just some obscure costume. that part wasn't really clear until the end.

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In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I had not ever heard of this particular songwriter. I still do not really know who he is but the poem is a very passionate description of his passion for words. Neglecting family for the sake of words sounds harsh but I feel like sometimes, (particularly in the month of November) I do the same. People get fed and things are kept sanitary but I do not guarantee anything beyond that during Nanowrimo. I wish I had that kind passion year round. I even tried one year to write the par for Nanowrimo every day for a year. I burned out in January, (having begun with Nanowrimo.) I don't think I could sustain the creative energy consistently like it sounds like he did.

Okay enough about me this poet really brings forward their understanding of the subject's passion. I felt very much shown as much as told about the artist. The form the poem takes, its shape reminds me vaguely of a flame and that really added to the poem for me. Overall I really liked this poem. I also appreciated the two videos included in the author's note.
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In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This seems more like prose than poetry, although it is broken into lines. I feel like since you began each line with a capital letter you should end with punctuation. It just does not feel quite right as it stands. The point of this poem seems to be that you do not really know the people walking by you as you go through your life. You tend not to even see them. I think the idea of one of them being a killer is kind of a downer. perhaps you could add another more positive possibility like them being a volunteer at soup kitchens or an off duty paramedic. It would balance out the negativity a little. or if you want a darker tone to the piece give another example of a dark secret like spousal abuse or something.

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Review of A Twisted Story  
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
THis is a very emotionally charged piece. I think the scene at the top needs to be better incorporated into the body of the poem or placed within a dropnote so it doesn't distract from the flow of the poem. It felt disjointed going from the scene to the poem. I did not need the scene to understand the poem; the poem was much better written than the scene. I like the contrast in each of the stanzas between the two states. it gave a tension to the words and action to a poem that could otherwise just be kind of sad. They let you know nothing is all bad and the opposite that nothing is all good. It balances on the meaning of the words and the realities behind them making for a really good poem.

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In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
THis is a critical part of writing dot com. it is here to help members with their problems. It is a great forum, one of the better ones. I have never posted a problem here that I didn't have help with within a day from staff or other members. I would suggest it was more widely advertised or more easily found in the menu for newbies. sometimes they're the ones with the most difficulties and I feel like it isn't as accessible to them, or at least it wasn't to me waaaay back when I was a newbie. I like the way it isn't just staff that offers solutions. I mean when it is a glitch they are the only ones that can, but often enough the other members are able to answer the questions just as readily.

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Review of Soothe  
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Lovely poem. it follows the form fairly well. I like the smooth flow of the poem. It compares a crowd to a beast in my eyes and it definitely resonates for me in that. Crowds can be responsible for beastly things when wrongly motivated. I do consider that not everything about a beast is negative. Beasts can be majestic, sympathetic, even heroes. I am thinking of Beauty and the Beast. That brings to mind the beauty of the music playing off the beast. I also thought of the commonly used adage that music soothes the savage beast. this turns it on its ear in having the music stirring the beast. My suggestion is not on the poem itself it is in the formating of the author's note. I prefer to do author notes in drop or pop notes I feel like they don't take away from the impact of the poem. A lot of the time author notes can be longer than the poem they describe as long as you label the pop or drop note as the prompt or an author note most people will click on them to see what you have to say about the poem.

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In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
The language is poetic, full of metaphors, or at least a metaphor. The structure as something more akin to prose threw me off a bit in understanding it. It is highly inspirational I might also add experience as a category, the more valid categories the more likely it is for a piece to win a quill. This doesn't really apply since this is several years old but it is something to keep in mind in future. The thoughts behind this are really quill worthy to me even though it isn't in an easily judged format. One suggestion the repettions of blossoming flower are a bit much, perhaps another way to say the same thing could be use in it's place? It is like using a character's name repeatedly when pronouns could work as well.

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In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like what it seems like this poem is trying to say. The attempt to use big pretty words to say it interferes with my enjoyment of it though. A lot of the flowery language would better serve this short poem as a simpler word with the same or similar meaning. Prolific seems particularly out of place to me but majestic and scaleable seem a little impersonal for this message too. They describe well telling how something looks or feels but they really do not make me feel it. they do not show me things. I would consider taking the thesaurus out and looking for more relatable language. If this were about nature or something less about internal experience the words you use might fly well but in this context they just push you away.

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