Brian KC's (ripglaedr3) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

2,806 Public Reviews Given

3,474 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

True algorithm ia in response from the reviewed. Honed craft over 17 years. I see the good, with an eye to potential. Will never be/play authority of someone else’s words. That’s left to the master of the work. The artist has the vision; I just react/review, illuminate a fuller perspective to overcome challenges faced with those words. I see responses my reviews as affirming. *has references*

To see how I review, my feedback is public. Reviews can be set up through email. This page is limiting.

I accept review credits if I deserve rank. I accept merit badges as recognition, to be earned not bought…my opinion. I buy to support friends to maintain my shadowed equivalency, not pad. I have low vision, ADHD. it’s tripped me up. I dust off, get back in the game.

I'm good at...

Poetry, psychoanalysis. Ideas and notions on publishing process. I encourage writers with my reviews, look for strengths and give direction on how to make something better. I continue to correspond those who approach, when more to offer. I see what drives, use experience and the overarching mind, connect where each individual’s art derives. Hope to opine where it could take them with their craft. Like to believe, sometimes, before the writer knows themself.

Favorite Genres

nature, love, psychological, spiritual, inspirational, epiphany, emotional, drama, human interest, science, conspiracy, dystopian, fatalistic, speculative. Not cookie cutter fantasy realms or choose your adventure. Action/adventure. Unique, surprise.

Least Favorite Genres

Horror, fan fiction, some fantasy and sci-fi, or anything Lord of the Rings/Game of Thrones-ish.

Favorite Item Types

poetry, short story, essay/opinion/blog

I will not review...

I’m happy receive an email to discuss first. I set this to receive 9k. WDC gets the rest. No page here I know of to collectively or categorically see, compare reviewers for hire. That might be a worthy tool.

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#4673536

Review of 24 (ish) Syllable Poems

for entry "White Noise"

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Dear Words Whirling 'Round

Once again, Thank you so much for supporting "RedWheelbarrow SpringChickens 🐓"

with your entry. I really do appreciative of having you offer another great entry for consideration. I hope my review will do justice to your poem with the best insight I desire to provide. It's a privilege to have this chance for give and take in this way.

What I marvel at:
This ability to pour so much energy into so few expressive words is a pleasure to see.

What I could suggest:

I look at the dismount with the final couplets and know what you mean, what you express. I can see this in another light that might express even better. There might be a struggle to understand what is being read. In this community, we know you present a portfolio with that briefcase. Within the context and confines of this poem, perhaps it's the contents and not the briefcase like a poetic tombstone yearning to be read.

I get the few words on a tombstone can say a lot about the person buried beneath. Whether it is under that monument or inside the attaché, we have something yearning. The spirit that soars beyond, I can argue, hovers about this burial place. 'Static' can be a very strong adjective, however a reader wants to apply their own meaning. It could be noise coming from the briefcase, perhaps a signal to others to look on, look in.

In the physical landscape of these images, we could dig up the briefcase, but it is symbolism you are going for here and not the actual. Though, a reader must puzzle together these images to find a satisfying finish to your effort. Might I suggest adding/offering words here what is within. The disembodied are not contained. What's left behind that could tantalize a viewer of this briefcase/portfolio to look inside? I could offer suggestions here, but truly the poet would know, could see a part of the self that would be expressed best here. For me, it's what is written on that tombstone. Can it be summed up in a few words to keep the trunc(k)ation going? Word play.

What I missed seeing:

enjambment

You Wrote:

White Noise

my spirit soars
beyond

the static white
briefcase

poetic
tombstone

yearning
to be read

I am so pleased that you entered and offered two stellar entries for this contest. I feel as though I have overlooked you on this website. There are so many cases and colors and names I recognize and forget from moment to moment that I forget sometimes who i've had an email chain going with or whatever. Perhaps, we'll be able to rub elbows more around here. I'm trying not to be so self-obsessed with my own craft to fail acknowledging the output of others. It really does help me to take time and read and lend feedback like this to improve as a writer. I guess, life gets in the way?

Thanks so much for being part of the WDC 22nd Anniversary Birthday Bash and "RedWheelbarrow SpringChickens 🐓"

. I'm most grateful.

Thanks again,

Brian
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#4673535

Review of 24 (ish) Syllable Poems

for entry "Skull"

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Dear Words Whirling 'Round

Thank you so much and such an honor to have your entry in "RedWheelbarrow SpringChickens 🐓"

. I am so appreciative of your support with your entry. I want to give every word of your offering the best insight I could possibly provide. As a poet, I am still learning and can use every word I can get, like yours, to develop my craft further. Hopefully, I can help you as I am helping myself, along the way.

Initial impressions:

First off, I love the stark word economy of this read! There is so much power in every word and every line, like a machine that is driving this poem into my head. Great imagery!

Other takeaways:
Emotion! The construct of the poem and the chosen words are a key indicator of either melancholy or beyond that to emotionless. And, Theme! Tying into that is the brain (and considering offer information related to the 22 bone structure) I find it intentionally disconnected. Particularly by the offered lack of face at the end. Or, that it is exposed because it lacks a face mask (pandemic reference?). I could decide. But, This is a reveal.

But, highlighting what you have, I see how you tie theme, emotion and the poetic devices quietly at work within the brevity. If spoken word, I can imagine this as a Halloween themed poem in lines tighter than Haiku, creepily offering images of a face/brain like a jigsaw puzzle, even going as far as to reveal it severed, possibly impossible to reconstruct. That's just my imagination from your words with this compelling write.

What I missed seeing:

While enjambment was the goal for this contest, I can't help feeling how it works being in there between the lines somehow, just not visually in the actual construct. What you built was a quick, flat delivery that is jarring, as enjambment may tend to be. It has a rhythm to it.

Overall:

This felt expert in the handling of images through brief words that express. Face mask and brain case starkly deliver separate one syllable, disconnected enunciations for this reader. I didn't even mention how the emotion is drive by mono-syllabic words or lines short as 4-3-2 syllables (in no particular order). Also, the deliberate pauses on the second line of each couplet at to the thick, slow read. From the outset your poem, Skull, set a tone:

22 piece 4
jigsaw puzzle 4

an empty white 4
brain case 2

disturbing and 4
inhuman 2

without its 3
face mask 2

Look at that. This poem uses the first two lines to echo in syllable count before restricted and tightening, it lands on the 3-2 syllable lines as a reveal that finishes routine like a gymnast sticking the mat. There is no doubt this is well crafted, as a tightly worded poem while using theme and offered imagery with its structure to hit home leaving stark impressions for this reader to consume. Well done!

I leave here your..."Author's note: ▼

The human skull is made up of twenty-two fused bones."

I like this, taking idea of 22 of something. I googled 22 myself this month to see if I could tie in birthday themed writes for this number and did not catch this one. Deft, clever.

Thanks so much for being part of the WDC 22nd Anniversary Birthday Bash and "RedWheelbarrow SpringChickens 🐓"

. I'm most grateful. It was a unique pleasure to have such a well-crafted poem. I look forward to more of your writing in the future.

Brian
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#4673531

Review of the Black Briefcase

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear JCosmos

,

Thank you so much and such an honor to have your entry in "RedWheelbarrow SpringChickens 🐓"

. I am so appreciative of your support with your poem. I want to give every word of your offering the best insight I could possibly provide. As a poet, I am still learning and can use every bit of practice I can get, to develop my craft further. Hopefully, I can help you as I am helping myself, along the way.

Your poem "the Black Briefcase"

depends upon a black briefcase but also what’s inside. I read several times through to get the feel of the mystery you have presented. It made me wonder a few things to get to my conclusion. I see so much potential in this poem and what your are trying to convey.

The strength of these poems, I suspect, will depend on enjambment and in the first stanza (plus) you offered the mystery. I can see here it is tough without the punctuation, as I requested among the rules, but you do well to navigate.

"I often wonder what
is in the brief/

case..."

It's a good set up, a hook that has me. The punctuation is begging to be used in that third line. Sometimes, it takes a restructure or consideration of how 'case' plays in that third line. In William Carlos Williams' poem he solves this with conjunctive words like 'with'.

To carry forward, you offer in the second stanza what the object fully is. I think this stanza is an opportunity to tease the mystery more. I have more at the end on a different approach to revealing what you might imply from that opening couplet.

What I find is a double use of briefcase in that second stanza, redundant and summaries too early. The mystery either needs teasing earlier with an adjective to describe what causes the poet's mind to be curious. Or, bring that mystery home with an eye opening reveal or deeper question in your final two lines.

The third stanza includes the wife and the owner of the attaché. It's compelling here because we've introduced the second character and also want to know why the suspicion. You only have one stanza left at this point. I almost feel this could have been the second couplet in the reveal, as we can get into more detail in the third verse about why this briefcase should peak the reader's interest.

In the fourth stanza:

"...everywhere but I
do not know what it is"

I wondered why not break every-where from third to fourth stanza...where leading into a question. I wanted more with this ending, reveal. It seems like we've been teased by someone who was not provoked enough to explore further, or just hypothetically go through briefly of what might be in that bag, or what it might be used for. Adjectives are your best friends in these scenarios. One word could clue us in to what the inclination to suspect might be about.

Truly, your poem is an intriguing mystery. We like good mysteries. It's a chance to force our own minds to puzzle what is so important about that briefcase.

Let's assume some things into evidence, as we Scooby Doo this mystery. Does she need a briefcase for what she does? Does she lock it? Is she secretive about it? Does she ever reveal its contents? What does she do? Is it new or something she's always had? Where does she go with this briefcase, or is that a secret too? Just a few things I spitball off the top of my head.

Here's another thing about writing something creative. You don't have to be bogged down by reality. There are stories to be told from our own lives that are boring and mundane. Here's an opportunity to embellish and take it next level. You can think outside the box called your own life and make your poem fiction. In fact, if it suits you, a parody of real life. We know that what we offer has to compel to get readers attention. Why not take that risk and ditch the normal life for one more fictitious and superior?

I'm really pleased with this offering and you being brave enough to offer the first entry. I am behind you and this effort to help the contest become something legitimate this month and hopefully worthwhile for writers looking to branch out and improve their craft, or take it in different directions.

Thanks so much for being part of the WDC 22nd Anniversary Birthday Bash and "RedWheelbarrow SpringChickens 🐓"

. I'm most grateful.

Brian
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P.S. -- thank you for adding a synopsis of the contest, condensed below for consideration

Please consider future contests, possibly beginning in January!

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#4671306

Review of Shelter in Haiku

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear Chibithulu (Alyssa)

,

Oh, this is great. I liked the alliteration. And you linked the haikus together about the pandemic, written shortly after the American influence of the virus in 2020.

I liked 'home is where the heart is' and should be played higher, above poem, to lend credence to theme. Really felt it was transcendent throughout these short poems.

The alliteration made me think of an acrostic for some reason. I wanted to put those letters together and see COVID, for five haikus strung together. It's already written and not an option. If you were aiming to do one again, it could be considered.

I didn't check all of haikus for syllable count. None over length limit I saw and it's not a Cardinal Sin that last line was four, which considering the original art form, you could make a strong case for going shorter on some lines, because the Japanese language was shorter before translated into the Anglo-Saxonized. What I wouldn't do for shorter expressions.

This was a pleasure. Enjoy!

Brian
Angel Army Reviewer

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#4671303

Review of Seaweed

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear Adherennium Dr of Phoolishness

,

So much good material and imagery brimming to the surface with your brilliant poem. Sometimes, confined by form is unfortunate when there is great word play at work. For me, I find this a bit of a rough gem. I appreciate all the work and effort constructing imagery along with alliteration while emoting serene nature in a way I can imagine, see myself cultivating words such as this to describe what you have beautifully portrayed.

The first line is packed with so much, I could sense this would be an intense read. I got stuck there briefly wondering about reconstructing that sentence, but wondered if it had a rhythm or rhyming pattern it had to adhere to, because I would put 'slapping' ahead of 'salty' in that open. But, on second read can feel its natural order, only that I wouldn't want the line that long. The alliteration combined with such great word play make me wish to slow this read, move the portion behind the first comma to the next line. You could have shorter lines and deliver these words more slowly. I would slow the pace so that a reader can fully digest these images at play and the mood being constructed.

I toy and play with words to get a sound sometimes. It can flow. I feel like a mechanic with a bunch of car parts that don't fit sometimes and I'm retooling and looking for better parts to make my hot rod rev. I'm not always the best mechanic for a job. It's hard to comment on other people's work when I see something I'm in awe of. Me and the other guys would watch you get your hands greasy and listen to you talk about your plans for this machine when you take it out on the open road, to see what it can do. I'm one of those guys with hands in pockets, thinking about its potential. It's your baby and you're doing a splendid job. I can admire the ethic and desire to construct something as worthwhile as this poem.

I feel I'd need a master's degree to really go through this with a fine tooth comb, the way it deserves to be treated. If I had these words laid out like this, I'd be tearing it apart every few lines, reassembling with new parts and redelivering without a particular pattern until I feel or get a flow.

Aiming for form first is a good idea, don't get me wrong. I think having that discipline forces the mind to work with greater precision. Maybe, free verse is for lazy people like me. But, it's a great fall back when I just want to show a scene or story envisioned as great as this is.

Ings
Something told to me by another writer that I took to heart is not get too ly or ing with a poem. It made me think of the directness of Hemingway or a straightforward poem that redacts unnecessary language as William Carolos Williams famously did. Don't fall in love too much with the sound of words ping-ing. And example from your poem is in the first line and several others. I know you want to meet a syllable count. Why not do it without the ings? It's not about eliminating them all, but moving the verb in front of the noun like 'clouds billow'. And adjectives or adverbs behind the noun with 'forests twirl, teem...' These are less than suggestions, but considerations. You drop and 'ing', you got space for a noun, adjective or verb. You see about your alliteration comes together with 'twirl, teem' and bounce off one another. These types of things I try to do to get a sound and flow. Unfortunately, a pattern is hard to develop. Strictly by form, things can follow a rhythm and sound, but do the words carry as much impact or weight in their arrangement.

It's a lot to take in. Just so much sweet stuff in here to sink one's teeth into. I'm just grateful to pop a peek under the hood and savor a bit of the flavor your spinning with this great effort. And if I could just say, its a highly functioning work. I bet if I put this through some sophisticated software it would read at a college level. But then, sometimes I think that about my own work and it says grade 2.

I take it as a compliment that I made big words easy to understand?

It was a pleasure to read and comment,

Brian

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Summary of this review for auditors of "WdC 2023 Birthday Review Raffle - CLOSED"

(suggestions for improvements)

1-2nd paragraph suggested two things: length of lines and impact of words making it too intense to read for something that could be loosed slowly.

2- suggested giving this poem a break from form and letting the belt out in more of a free verse style to appreciate its imagery and expressive word choices, while also speaking to sound and flow.

3- Paragraph near end about words ending in 'ing' and suggestion to ease up on this to get more power from the words, etc. Paragraph speaks for itself.

I'll note, as I usually do with these reviews for people who are unfamiliar, I'm legally blind and try to give myself a break from parsing and scanning my text for numerous errors. It is what it is and hope it's understandable. At least, I'm not using Talk to Text tonight. Just clumsily typing on my laptop.

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#4671300

Review of Full Circle

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Dear WetAshes

,

Great poem, the kind I was looking for when I did a search of poetry offerings of this particular genre.

Wow, do I know these feelings and all too well. I went in search of other WDC writers to see what’s been shared in poem about ADHD which after many thousands of torments I’ve finally been diagnosed with something I was unknowingly afflicted with all my life. Now, maybe, I can stop chasing my own tail. And usually it’s with words like you have constructed with "Full Circle"

.

You come out swinging with "New pill. Better Focus?" You get right to subject, which makes me respond less to the craft of your poem but its content.

The struggles seem to be handled by meds, but can you get the right prescription? Can you find a way without pharmaceuticals to reorder a brain? You add, "Another shot of medicinal hocus pocus." I wouldn't say it's magic, but research and testing find things that work. But, it's a legitimate grip for those struggling to get the right prescriptions and doses to help untangle that mental mess.

The third line refocuses the skew of this effort almost immediately. It's part of the process with ADHD. Things don't come out in the right order. It's okay as long as you are getting these beautiful expressions out. I relate when you say,

"I try to hold a thought.
The mental Etch-a-Sketch
Awkward, like forming a circle
With those two little knobs..."

What a perfect and useful image. This is truly the centerpiece of your poem. You could in fact be working on two themes here. What you wrestle with is a poem unto itself, based on this one metaphor about that could be compounded, added to in some sort of progression. I would say forget the rest of what you write, but start a poem with just that section and add some of the below. It truly lends to the mind and character that reaches many who suffer and those who could at least mentally visualize the struggle.

You did misspell Descartes, needing an 's' in the following lines

"I fancy myself the mind of a philosopher
Marx, Descarte, Hume, Emerson, Can’t
I’d like to concentrate on them long enough
To really really really understand.
But I just Kant"

I see that you are making a play on words. This is something that is deeply psychological that even you might not realize is going on. It's something I've realized I have done for many years. I felt dumb growing up and knew I was smart, but couldn't prove it. I would learn a few details about something to sound like I am smart. In a round about way, you may be alluding to this. I think this would go over your readers heads. It might serve as an inside joke for highly functioning ADHDers like you and I. It has a place if you aim is that community. I might note that writers who become famous have works like this analyzed more deeply to find that hidden nugget about Can't/Kant.

Here we start the gibberish talk that can really serve the purpose of explore a mind getting untangled and every word, utterance that sounds silly or illogical would actually fit in the affected one's mind set. It again would not play to your neurotypical readers who look at things in the black and white, where you and I are visiting all in the gray that seem colorful and glorious and freeing to us. I applaud you for the spirit of this verse:

"Bandit raccoons, erect nipples
the monthly raspberry sauce
or was that last nights' dessert topping
Interesting scribbles, wiggles, and swiggles
Zig zag zig zag zig zag
Hold that thought"

I like how you tightly summarize and refer back to the pills from open. This does make the poem whole in essence and functional as is. It's still raw and can go in many directions. You have a poem seed within a blooming poem. The seed could blossom a much greater flower, which I have suggested above. Here you complete the poem:

"The pill’s kick’n in
I'm start’n to grin
I believe I’ve made a circle!"

We don't like the pills but realize it's necessary. Liked the apostrophising and the tone of that ending, too. It's a bit of irony. It's a bit of grumbling that necessarily goes with the territory of someone who is attempting to cope with the condition. It to me says a, few things. It's going to take some time. Living with ADHD after diagnosis leads to a lot of learning and understanding of oneself. First, you are writing about it. Perfect therapy, great way to express and get it all out...plus a resulting review...AHEM! But, the grin. Yes? The grin is the thing. I learned the medication released a lot of burden at times when I was heavy and sinking to new lows. The struggle with ADHD leads to depression. You are fortunate to have meds and acknowledging it. It will get easier. It will never go away, unfortunately. Hopefully, it will be a quirksome personality you learn to develop, live with. Hopefully, by learning and acknowledging, people will recognize this person as they are and accept them for being difference. It is a tough route in life to go. I lived too long without diagnosis and missed out on so many friendships and better opportunities in life. But, never too late.

It's been some years since this was written. I hope that things have gone well. And, for others reading this poem and review, really dig hard and consider people like us. We get anxious, we rant, we regret and want do-overs and feel the vitrol the worst from others. When we are diagnosed and on meds and doing the work, we can become functioning members of society, acceptable and worthy. It means a lot to see those open arms rather than rejecting frowns. And it's not just ADHD. People suffer from multiple factors that diminish our capabilities daily. We need the strength to overcome. With determination, we find our way back. What holds us down is misunderstanding, labeling and rejection. I'm all-inclusive as I can possibly be. I hope others give those who struggle a chance.

Brian
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I'm not auditing my own piece this time for "WdC 2023 Birthday Review Raffle - CLOSED"

, which is a summary of suggestions made here. There are at least three and not just about writing.

I also am legally blind and reserve the right to not edit my words, as a 1500 word plus essay on a poem inside of an hour was worthy and time well spent, in and of itself.

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#4671297

Review of The HOW of creation

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Dear Delia

,

This 'critique' "The HOW of creation "

is pretty intriguing as far as it describes the earth's formation (leaving out heaven). I’m pretty sure this is not how the Bible reveals it came to happen. It follows the basic elements that the Bible lays out. How it describes the construction of stars would make one debunk how earth was created.

As a critique, I’m not sure what the writer was going for by offering this in the suggested category. I believe that non-fiction would be a suggestion here.

You wrote:

'The Bible tells us what happened during the creation of the world. However, a description of how God created everything is not given.'

I had to stop immediately after reading that to ask, as opposed to what? There is no other source material offered to contest and wondered why the assertion.

Then you add, "Since I was not there, I cannot state exactly how God brought things into existence. Based on what I read in chapters 1 and 2 of Genesis, I can give a description from my imagination."

This would be a theological reinterpretation of the first two chapters of the Bible and I was hooked. But, it's short and not conclusive, but just opinion based on what I think can fairly be described as a misinterpretation. Remembering that the Bible was translated many times over, likely redacted a bit, the original document and being able to read, speak and decipher true meaning would take one of the most intelligent and educated people on this planet.

I would have to do some serious reading of the Bible to contest anything you say further. I was enlightened to the fact that my Google searches confirm Jesus being mentioned in Genesis before he was flesh. So, that was something I was unaware of and interesting.

This was labeled 'critique' but I don't know of what. I think if one is debating facts, sources are good. Having a central thesis seemed fuzzy. It covers a lot about the origins of Earth in Genesis. It could be longer or more focused as a writing.

As I read through this, I wonder how close to the original Bible text we are with all the recitation but no notes from which chapter or verse these references come from. That would also help structure and organize an argument for a critique. I think this is just opinion, if it were to be labeled something. It's even editorial, in that regard.

I did enjoy the storytelling aspect, whether real or imagined by the writer. Here we get into other waters. This is Bible fan fiction? I don't know what speculative fiction is, but that sounds about right, if I knew exactly what that is.

This piece ends with a depiction of how Adam was made and then even from his rib. Some of it isn't really imagined. And I think if you have a central focus or reason for producing this, you could go in many different ways with the real and imagined material. It feels well spoken, just not focused enough. We know the story of the Bible, if we have been exposed to this as early as Sunday school. I just wonder what direction it could take, or could have taken other than this.

It was definitely intriguing and fun to consider your item for feedback. I hope I get to read more.

Brian

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Summary of this review for auditors of "WdC 2023 Birthday Review Raffle - CLOSED"

(suggestions for improvements)

1-As a critique, I’m not sure what the writer was going for by offering this in the suggested category. I believe that non-fiction would be a suggestion here.

2- (several points that point to this suggestion): ...no notes from which chapter or verse these references come from. That would also help structure and organize an argument for a critique.

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#4670172

Review of Lakeside Autumn

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Dear BigV

,

I was surprised by the description line because the tree wasn’t mentioned in "Lakeside Autumn"

, not even expressively. You title line is either the poem or haiku fails the purported description. Ignoring that we can still comment on this piece with a nice title. The title seems as pretty as a poem. You write:

Prelude to winter
Jubilee at water's edge
Inviting to all

The prelude I can assume is actually fall. But not described. Jubilee is a nice word where it occurs, but it conjures many images not related to an autumn nature scene. Inviting to all was unfortunate. Not a true summation, but given there’s little to play off of, it might seem the only direction to go.

A haiku describes something in nature in its first two lines. The last is a takeaway, summation, elevated our appreciation. Given the topic and what I think you intend, let me quick makecsimethingnupp:

Lone tree drops first born
Gold flat hits silver surface,
glide an Autumn Lake

I tried to work in winter or celebration. It can be done. It takes time and patience and integral works to flesh this vision out. In fact, I’m thinking now that sitting outside abd collecting images in haiku would be a great way to fill a note book this fall.

It was a pleasure to read and consider this haiku as it is helping me better appreciate the form.

Brian

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#1300305 by Maryann

"Poetic Referendum(s) On Life"

"SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days"

Legally blind 22 years, writing all my life. I'm a published poet, published journalist with three broadcasting awards and other writing citations. Piggybacking off two straight years as the WDC Quills winner of Best Poetry Collection, while struggling with ADHD to produce a book, or any lengthy fiction without my little interruptions. I invite all writers to read and join my contest this month:

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

259

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#4670170

Review of Fill in the Blanks

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Dear BG,

Oh my Lord. There are so many more entries since the first time around with this.. 206 entries. This was fun. My reply to the prompt:

Once upon a time there an belligerent, unvalued ogre mired in his bog of eighty years. Finally free, he sought after his inspiration. He Googled and found a writing community. He created an account and started writing. Not long after, people he didn't even know were suddenly there with encouragement, praising his writing.

Everyday, his inspiration grew. He felt he found a home. He wondered if God had directed him to this website to find himself and realize his true ideal of traditional publication. He penned verses of glowing words for adoring reviewers, who kept heaping praises. He blossomed, envisioned his words of love for these kind people.

One day, someone gifted him an upgraded account. He was hooked, trying to write for contests, support auctions, played games and chatted in scroll where he met many new writers. A mentor helped him become a Rising Star. He was on his way. But now other writers needed help, needed him to read and give feedback to what they wrote. He did his best to be honest and helpful. He reviewed with earnest -- joined a reviewing group. They had contests to further spur him on.

Because of that, he became one of the site's top credited reviewers. The more he reviewed, the better his ability to process words, making him a better writer. He began to realize he could earn gift points to pay for his membership. He started to get lazy, sat in scroll and picked off those games for gift points like there was no tomorrow. Someone got mad at him. One of the first people to praise him. He didn't know about etiquette in this writing community. It made him sad when his items were seldom reviewed and the praises diminished.

Until finally, he was estranged from many cheery, supportive people. Rising Stars and the Circle of Sisters still supported and urged him on through a dark period. He wrote about rejection, the longing for acceptance, about being misunderstood, about being among people who referred to themselves as angels, but did not administer forgiveness. He changed his name.

After years of life experiences and reflection, and love of family, the dark cloud lifted. God filled him with joy, a container from which he could share love. He chose a higher love, without expectation. Negativity did not unnerve him. It strengthened his belief in sharing a message of love. He would show them in poem's like "Efflorescence Song." He was a simple man who loved to commune in and write about nature. He would be a beacon to new writers, as long as the writing community would have him. His writing still reaches for higher plateaus, seeking eternal peace within.

I would have spent more time making this better than the last, but it's a bit long as is. Thanks for this opportunity to share.

Brian

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by Maryann

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#4670169

Review of My Mind

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Dear Angel ,

I’m scouring this community for other poets who live with ADHD and how they write poetry. I’m interested to see how we share, describe and the similarities with any struggles. Here I’ve found "My Mind" and revelations similar to my own. I was particularly struck by: “A mind, lost in thought, But tightly wound.”

To me ADHD means a beautiful mind, if managed right. I could be in a zone for hours, content. Then, chaos, noises, distraction and off my game, anxious, holding it in.

I notice we ADHDers don’t describe as much as tell in our struggle to be understood. Can’t slow it down for small details, little vignettes, the story you offer flashes through the poem. The anthem is clear. It’s why I struggle, as you deal, somethings for me seldom come clear. I feel I go white when getting instruction, likely intimidated. Can’t seem to hear. Have to be told something or read text five times through before grasped.

You Write:

Running faster in my brain,
Neurons firing twice the speed,

This is especially true when I drink coffee, constant info bombardment. I’m puzzling, spitballing, trying to outguess, outthink others. Get ahead of myself, including speech. Sometimes. With meds and dose of caffeine, it’s a beautiful thing.

When you say, “Psychedelic sounds surround…’ I’m reminded of a deep love for music. I think it soothes and charms the afflicted like me. I can see colors and associate images and more with music. It inspires my poetry.

I liked how you set up the poem. It had a soft landing, could use a more resounding summation. There is something special and beautiful about ADHD minds if properly treated. Just got diagnosed, unaware how hard I worked my whole life with this disorganized, hiccuping brain. The shame you feel, people constantly educating me like a child.

Thanks for sharing your words and insight it’s been beneficial.

Brian

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by Maryann

"Poetic Referendum(s) On Life"

"SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days"

Legally blind 22 years, writing all my life. I'm a published poet, published journalist with three broadcasting awards and other writing citations. Piggybacking off two straight years as the WDC Quills winner of Best Poetry Collection, while struggling with ADHD to produce a book, or any lengthy fiction without my little interruptions. I invite all writers to read and join my contest this month:

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

261

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4670166

Review of haiku (spring)

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear G. E. Wright

,

This is how I imagine the power of poetic words being crafted to tempt a reader’s sense to sense, recreate the author’s depicted image. Way to go! We know what you describe without being told, not even bybtitle or description.

In "haiku (spring)"

you start out powerfully describing the bee’s performance as a ‘hedonistic dance’. Taking bold steps with words and steering from the banal and cliche are key.. you don’t have much to do with the haiku after this. ‘Flower to flower he moves and just an ordinary summation. I had to think about that. Is it redundant. We know in line two what the bumble does. Can linevthree bring uscasvstrongba revelation as line one with a different approach. And really, line one could serve as summation.

hedonistic dance
flower to flower he moves
spring pollination

Instead

In spring he courts them
flower to flower dancing
hedonistic sting

You know, just a suggestion. Your poem, your words to do as you please. But, something like that could boost the haiku.. Power in the words you’ve crafted could play so many ways to give flavor to this building portrait you’ve painted. I see great potential in these words. A pleasure to have come across your offering abd have hopefully lent helpful feedback

Brian

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#1300305 by Maryann

"Poetic Referendum(s) On Life"

"SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days"

Legally blind 22 years, writing all my life. I'm a published poet, published journalist with three broadcasting awards and other writing citations. Piggybacking off two straight years as the WDC Quills winner of Best Poetry Collection, while struggling with ADHD to produce a book, or any lengthy fiction without my little interruptions. I invite all writers to read and join my contest this month:

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

262

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4670162

Review of My Mind

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Dear Angel

,

I’m scouring this community for other poets who live with ADHD and how they write poetry. I’m interested to see how we share, describe and the similarities with any struggles. Here I’ve found "My Mind"

and revelations similar to my own. I was particularly struck by: “A mind, lost in thought, But tightly wound.”

To me ADHD means a beautiful mind, if managed right. I could be in a zone for hours, content. Then, chaos, noises, distraction and off my game, anxious, holding it in.

I notice we ADHDers don’t describe as much as tell in our struggle to be understood. Can’t slow it down for small details, little vignettes, the story you offer flashes through the poem. The anthem is clear. It’s why I struggle, as you deal, somethings for me seldom come clear. I feel I go white when getting instruction, likely intimidated. Can’t seem to hear. Have to be told something or read text five times through before grasped.

You Write:

Running faster in my brain,
Neurons firing twice the speed,

This is especially true when I drink coffee, constant info bombardment. I’m puzzling, spitballing, trying to outguess, outthink others. Get ahead of myself, including speech. Sometimes. With meds and dose of caffeine, it’s a beautiful thing.

When you say, “Psychedelic sounds surround…’ I’m reminded of a deep love for music. I think it soothes and charms the afflicted like me. I can see colors and associate images and more with music. It inspires my poetry.

I liked how you set up the poem. It had a soft landing, could use a more resounding summation. There is something special and beautiful about ADHD minds if properly treated. Just got diagnosed, unaware how hard I worked my whole life with this disorganized, hiccuping brain. The shame you feel, people constantly educating me like a child.

Thanks for sharing your words and insight it’s been beneficial.

Brian

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#1300305 by Maryann

"Poetic Referendum(s) On Life"

"SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days"

Legally blind 22 years, writing all my life. I'm a published poet, published journalist with three broadcasting awards and other writing citations. Piggybacking off two straight years as the WDC Quills winner of Best Poetry Collection, while struggling with ADHD to produce a book, or any lengthy fiction without my little interruptions. I invite all writers to read and join my contest this month:

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

263

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4670144

Review of ScrAtcHeS

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear Soul Intact

,

This poem "ScrAtcHeS"

gives me a sense of something deeper. It’s deceptive and I like that. But, who is it deceiving? It gives this reader pause and concern.

And if I can interpret your poem myself it might be a narrative from one who has been cutting themselves in small increments. That’s usually how it starts, hidden from view. In the poem, the narrator says you saw me but didn’t see me, it means that this person has not been discovered as someone self-harming. Perhaps, wants to be found out. When communication fails, even a tiny, mysterious poem such as this plays with the subject. Now that’s my interpretation and it could be completely wrong. But it’s interesting to investigate this poem and find a little dots that work like space, but not necessarily a pause in the poem. It could be droplets of blood. If it were scratches being implied, there are other typographical deatures to tease subject. Again, if I’m right.

And I like that structure.

You Wrote:

I have been here............ all along.
When you didn't see me
When you saw me
At least, I thought you did

The opening is a good set up to tease what the narrator wants to reveal. Furthermore:

From the tiny cut that I covered
To the scratches that built a patch
Big enough, a wound appeared

I imagine that obsessively a compulsion that seems innocent becomes greater, forming a full wound. By this time, pain:

There, here, .......... the pain came to stay
The tiny scratches that scarred

The wound does not remain open, suggesting to me the harming stopped when the pain worsened. To me, this is stage one. Hopefully, the return doesn’t mean upping the pain threshold. The poems ending doesn’t suggest too much. It’s a vignette within the poems truncated story. There is no moral, takeaway. Quite possibly the deepest inspection is a person who notices little attention paid to their self-inflicted pain. On a larger scale: communication break down. This person is internalizing something greater they can’t find a way to express or properly relieve oneself of.

I found this poem truthful, and sadly intriguing. It’s successful in its depiction. I hope the issue begins again, something like this gets discussed with a professional.

Brian

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#1300305 by Maryann

"Poetic Referendum(s) On Life"

"SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days"

Legally blind 22 years, writing all my life. I'm a published poet, published journalist with three broadcasting awards and other writing citations. Piggybacking off two straight years as the WDC Quills winner of Best Poetry Collection, while struggling with ADHD to produce a book, or any lengthy fiction without my little interruptions. I invite all writers to read and join my contest this month:

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

264

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4670135

Review of APRIL'S FOOL

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Dear Joliea

,

This poem "APRIL'S FOOL"

revels in the fun of taking April fools and giving it a new meaning. There is a lyrical quality to this poem and an interesting structure that helps the reader ramble, as does the narrator of the poem about their feelings for April.

The short lines and long text give this poem a feel of words streaming down the page like a speeding teleprompter. So it is part visual as you sense a cadence from the words. I only stumbled in a few parts where I thought a line was long or another short. Just some minor edits could get the poem to flow more fluidly.

Obviously there is a sweetness to the poem that describes a girl that has a hold on a boy, at least for now. Maybe it’s a crush of of some kind, the infatuation for two. it hits on all the obvious points that we know about new love and relationships. That we sacrifice some of the things that we enjoyed to indulge ourselves in something new and exciting.

What I also notice with the poem is the lack of punctuation. Sometimes capitalization for emphasis. This is also something that contributed to the flow of the poem and the speed of the read.

You also stay true to metaphor in the characterization of the narrator as a fool, a clown and puppet. What’s interesting is that he knows how he behaves and does act a fool anyway. This shows how a character can reason away such choices.

It found it a pleasure to read and comment on this poem.

Brian

Super Power Reviewer

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by Maryann

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#4670089

Review of To Be You

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Dear Nela Chau

,

I like to read poems before the description or any of the assigned categories to see if a poem speaks to me before I know the motivation or any clues about the write. and this one did. And while it is labeled as nonsense, written for a contest, I find that "To Be You"

raises some very interesting and intimate feelings that do deserve exploring. Though it might not be related, I think in this age when there are so many people who have gender dysphoria, feelings like this could exist.

I find it's honesty refreshing. When I was young, I had effeminate feelings as a boy that I could explore through music, body mannerisms, etc. When I felt the warmth and touch of a girl I was attracted to, I could connect and imagine the tenderness of that woman, wanting to return love tenderly. Do you suppose she liked my rough qualities and imagined similar feelings coursing through her body? I feel this poem stumbles onto the key of what makes physical relationships like this so exciting in exploration.

YOU WROTE: Short poem about loving yourself so much you could experience you through a lover

What is lovemaking if not selfish, in some regard. It's been described as a hunger, a need to fill ourselves with someone else. The excitement through this connection is well demonstrated in your poem. You use descriptive words that lead to actions that can stir a reader to connect and also realize this process, possible feeling this way, too. Your opening line lends as a thesis statement, perfect that it stands alone:

How much I wish to be just like you

In my mind, I think, is this why women where his boxes, his collared shirt or tee? It certainly strikes romantic images when portrayed in movies and television in this way. We see through your eyes to how this can enrapt a reader, the audience.

These lines also say a lot, truncated and to the point:

Big hands
that roam
to places unknown
Places I can't always reach

You could joke her that man is just a mere tool to woman. We cannot gratify ourselves on our own in the same way. It's showing that a woman is finding empowerment by the use of man. You add:

I long to be as strong as he
to get the pleasure of being with me
Hands that glide and nose that gleams
from diving deeper and deeper than deep
How lovely must it all be...

I might point out that you turned your narration away from speaking to him and then to your audience. It's not unheard of, and is not a huge distraction. It's just something I wonder whether it will distract some readers and take away some of the power of your words when they have to refocus on who the narrator is talking to. I also felt the first two lines of that particular section to be forced rhyme. The diving deep part might be self-explanatory, erotica? Next up:

How much i wish to be just like you

I like the repeated line here. This is important to echo, it is the driving line for this poem. Here, it sets up summation. Right now, it is showing a well crafted poem that was given thought for its structure. Finally:

Sweaty and tender
Hairy and rough
Thick but slender
and always too tough

to be you
tangled up in me

The descriptions of lovemaking appear to be back. There is a sort of envy, but what kind? To be a man, or to say what a lucky man to get to please me, or something that blurs those lines? 'to be you, tangled up in me' sounds like an unusual body swap. Perhaps, despite the gratification of lovemaking, that deeper connection is missed. Is this lovemaking lust? We talk of limbs and a rough, sweaty tryst that turns the narrator. It's almost like this voice is not there. I see a person thinking about what it might be like without fully describing what it feels like. Like, sometimes, this might get a bit erotic, we make love so hard we are trying to get inside that body, loving as hard as we can to get that deepest connection. The harder we try, the different approaches, changing roles, using fetishes and more, we just can't sate unmet need.

That may be overanalyzing your words. I find this poem intriguing and worthy of further inspection. I can appreciate the tone of the message, thesis and how it opens so honestly to express. I enjoyed reading and considering this poem for feedback.

Brian

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#1300305 by Maryann

"Poetic Referendum(s) On Life"

"SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days"

Legally blind 22 years, writing all my life. I'm a published poet, published journalist with three broadcasting awards and other writing citations. Piggybacking off two straight years as the WDC Quills winner of Best Poetry Collection, while struggling with ADHD to produce a book, or any lengthy fiction without my little interruptions. I invite all writers to read and join my contest this month:

"RedWheelbarrow SpringChickens 🐓"

Have fun!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

266

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4670083

Review of I need a publisher!

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Dear black_winged_angel

,

I found "I need a publisher! "

to be a very interesting synopsis for a story. I was intrigued by this plea for community attention and input. I want to track this to see what reception it has or will get. I don’t see a follow up anywhere by the offer and 80,000 words and how much progress toward publication has been made, or the actual words from the proffered book. No link that seems to be available, or what more about what is nearly a book that could’ve been published by now.

If I could suggest anything about your call to action, it would be looking at what You wrote:

Okay so I'm almost 16 and have just written a novel. It's almost 80,000 words and I'm still currently in the process of editing it. I'm looking for a publishing company or someone who would be willing to publish my book. What are all of my options at the moment?

It’s commendable to have produced so much by such an early age. It would be unfortunate if all of those words go to waste.

There are lots of avenues to approach when one wants to publish. Nowadays, it’s self-publishing that seems to open doors to the traditional publishing world. The process of finding a place to publish your works would usually entail getting an agent first. It’s an arduous process to get someone to notice, even when you’ve already written something. That’s why people have taken to social media and shared excerpts of what they’ve written and promoted themselves until they have self-published, possibly with little editing help, and rubbed elbows with other self published authors who've done the same, and are hopefully succeeding to eventually get on that next rung of the ladder to success.

Now here’s the pitch you made:

It's a vampire love story. About a girl who is forced to run away, kidnapped by vampires, and then kidnapped again by her father who is anything but nice. She makes friends with the vampires. They become her family and one turns out to be the man she loves. If she doesn't think of a plan to get away from her dad. She'll take over the family business; the business that kills off vampires and forces them into slavery.

I can’t speak specifically to the genre, but knowing the Twilight series in general it sounds familiar. And I know that if you were going to get your foot in the door as a writer, coming up with something unique is what grabs people. The story could sell within circles and if it’s well written could become popular. One can never tell until we actually see the words so that we can comment upon them.

Much success with your writing and hopefully continuing sharing your dream with the community so that we can get on board and hopefully root for outcomes.

Brian

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#1300305 by Maryann

"Poetic Referendum(s) On Life"

"SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days"

Legally blind 22 years, writing all my life. I'm a published poet, published journalist with three broadcasting awards and other writing citations. Piggybacking off two straight years as the WDC Quills winner of Best Poetry Collection, while struggling with ADHD to produce a book, or any lengthy fiction without my little interruptions. I invite all writers to read and join my contest this month:

"RedWheelbarrow SpringChickens 🐓"

Have fun!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

267

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4669697

Review of Prompt 2. September 2

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

I to wrote an essay on the subject of Elizabeth Gilbert‘s Ted Talk. I am with you. The points to make are some that I have also considered, that you have expressed poignantly and with examples. That an artist has this running through the veins and it is some thing that must be purged.

The author does seem to spin a bit too much about the pressure of success. That is some thing that I don’t feel because I have not been to the pinnacle and likely never will. I think if people write in hopes of success, they’re doomed for failure. So you are on the right track with your comments. I also disagreed with the offer of Eat, Pray, Love.

After writing my blog entry, I turned to my wife and said it’s like the woman is living in a bubble. She’s telling stories of rubbing elbows with celebrities and learning from people like Tom Waits about their thoughts on their muses and success. Perhaps, Gilbert has forgotten what it’s like to be a struggling author.

You correctly point out that it is a gift, that it has passion that drives the artist. And there is really no looking back but just looking forward. Perhaps, we don’t even have critics and don’t know the pressure of success that inspired her on stage discussion, that apparently is supposed to help the rest of the writing world. But I think it’s sincerely only meant for successful people.

I’m not sure why she spent so long on the pressure of a follow up book. Maybe that is her knowing that she cannot achieve any greater. But she does point out that a person still moves forward. But what she suggests is taking a break, making a joke or light of a situation. and what you say is it’s about the satisfaction. I think all she has to do is just get back at it. I think success does go to your head. You do want to hear all the reviews and adulation and I’m sure she’s received a lot. And when the critics run out of things to talk about the next subject becomes how are you going to top it. so, that’s where she’s at. I don’t think she’s cited any offers or artists who just got back to it.

Elizabeth Gilbert is at a point in her life where she’s on the other side of 40. Perhaps fame and success might become elusive as you age. Who wouldn’t want to be young and successful forever. For me, the flame still burns inside no matter what. And if I see my words in print, great. But it is not a motivating factor anymore. I think you’re right when you say that we have to do this every day are we don’t feel right.

So appreciate your take on Gilbert‘s confession to an audience. And I’m glad that you can see that there is much more to the subject she approaches and she misses points on. Maybe, she should come down to my level and have a discussion with me about what it likes to write daily with no expectation of Julia Roberts playing a role and something I’ve created.

It was a pleasure to come across your item while clicking on the read and review board today. I guess we are both doing the birthday blog challenge. Perhaps, I should be checking in on other peoples interviews as well. Although it’s been a crazy week trying to take part in so much that it’s going on that I feel a bit divided inside that I’m actually not spending enough time with creating stuff that I desire to do. but, sometimes we need these little lessons to flex our writing muscle. Don’t wanna get flabby doing the same old poems over and over like me.

Brian

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by Maryann

You don’t have to read or respond to mine. It is long:

"Starving For Life Artist"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4669696

Review of November Haiku Goose songs

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear Callie hears Angels these days

,

Well, I found a new word today to revel in, spin about with, maybe try in the construct of some words of my own: plangent. The definition is very befitting, if not exacting, of geese:

adjective: plangent
(of a sound) loud, reverberating, and often melancholy.
"the plangent sound of a harpsichord"

In reading your haiku, "November Haiku Goose songs"

, I notice you separated the poem with slash marks all on one line, rather than traditionally breaking the haiku into three lines. I could not make anything of that.

Geese plangent cries/haunting autumn lullabies/goodbye,goodbye, good.

The ending line, though repetitive, bordering on redundant, I get. Good riddance? Not sure. Though, I don’t know if this makes the best send off, summation. If I imagine myself in scene: I stop and look, mark time, feel nostalgia, something special, if caught at the right moment. Perhaps, a deeper revelation for the poet is left undescribed?

The second line might seem redundant as well given the apt adjective in line one. Perhaps, this is the place to connect more information to illuminate feelings expressed in the haiku’s summation?

All I know is that when I look at this piece of writing, I wonder if the first line needs to use the word “geese.“ because as the last line saying ‘goodbye, goodbye, good’ lacks panache, it could be the perfect opportunity to introduce us to the subject of the poem. And say something like “goodbye geese, goodbye“. This might seem more sentimental, and nostalgic in a work that captures an image and feeling that I think many can relate to. The easy solution for the first line by removing geese is to replace it with “their.” Briefly, then, a reviewer can wonder who is making the “plangent cries.” And we can move onto the “haunting Adam lullabies”. That line has such a nice feeling about it and when it sandwiched between plangent and wishing goodbye to the geese I think you have pretty much a perfect haiku.

Let’s see:

Their plangent cries —
haunting autumn lullabies —
goodbye geese, goodbye.

No, you suppose that in your version of the poem the geese are saying goodbye, and not the narrator of the haiku? I have to consider that for a moment. I like the idea, but I don’t know if it is apparently clear. It may be, if you wanted to play with us, you could have the geese and the onlooker saying goodbye to one another. I mean, the romantic quality of nature and our presence in it should be all and wonder. there should be a appreciation of the geese and a connection that we feel. The haiku is the perfect form to illustrate and demonstrate our emotional response to fall, knowing changes coming, knowing were marking time, and feeling something move through us when we are looking up in the skies in our habitats.

Might I suggest other titles: either, Haunting Autumn Lullabies or Plangent Sounds or Goodbye Autumn or Haunting Goodbyes. Ultimately, you want to tease your reader into viewing your poem with something that doesn’t describe too much.

It’s truly a blessing to have read and considered your poem for feedback. I wonder if you actually know what a gem you have on your hands.

My name is Brian K Compton and I am the reviewer of this haiku. This feedback is affiliated with my reviewing group, Super Power Reviewers.

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by Maryann

I apologize if there are any review errors that are grammatical or typographical or spelling in nature. Siri has other ideas about the words that come out of my mouth when I use talk to text. I try to watch to make sure I can edit out these mistakes. Thank you.

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#4669687

Review of Plans

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Dear Jacky

,

So, if I’m following this correctly Julia has married into money and anticipating she has picked a husband who like her dad who cheated on her mom and has been working with someone to entice him into cheating so that she can get his riches in divorce?

When the story opened up with the pin and the pinning it was redundant and a little confusing. But a reread helped me understand that a pin was marking a spot on the board where her cheating husband was meeting June at a bar. I like the line when did he have time to work. Apparently if he comes for money he can pretty much cruise at whatever he does.

I think the question of morality is at play for a reader here. Who do we side with? It seems like there are no winners, only a bunch of manipulators using one another. I mean she in love with the help (Remmy), planning to take her husband’s money. I think this is a story this worthy of something longer with more detail. I think a lot of questions will crop up about character motivations. it might be clear that Julia‘s motivation is revenge because of how her father treated her mother. But, does she fall for bad boys like Jeremy and realize she has gotten burned. That part I wasn’t so sure of because she is trying to set him up to divorce him for his money.

But I would definitely start by not double using pin in your first sentence but saying something like the pin marking a spot on the bulletin board. You want to hook readers rather than confused them. I am not sure if I miss something with the color of the pin and it’s significance.

Anyway the ending was a bit of a surprise. The twist might be that the person she got to entice Jeremy has flipped and decided she wants his money. Here Julia thought she was working in secrecy to catch him, only to be unwittingly caught on camera. And I think it’s sort of a contrived ending, but I can see how her accomplice would rat her out. We don’t know what Jeremy knew, causing him to suspect his wife. So it had to be the mole. This is why I say it’s worthy of something longer.

It’s a stretch but it makes me think of the movie Wild Things: Foursome. There are so many people backstabbing and twists and turns in that story that it also feels like it leaves a viewer with a lot of questions as to who knew what and when. Obviously we’re just trying to shock and surprise an audience. And that’s OK, but for the clever reader they want to have a little bit of detail in there, like foreboding and other mysterious clues that eventually will come together. But what can you do with a three minute read? It’s tough writing these very short pieces and have them be this slice of life that asks a lot of questions and speaks to morality, as in this case.

I found your piece on the read and review boards. It was a pleasure to read and comment. despite the shortness of this fiction, there is much to consider.

Brian

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by Maryann

Since I am legally blind I am using talk to text on my tablet to write this review. I’ve tried to watch the words as they come out to make sure there are no errors. Hopefully I have written an understandable response to your commendable short story.

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#4669553

Review of Dreams

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Yes. But they don’t know you or you they. It’s a secret. Don’t tell.

Dear Doom

,

Your haiku "Dreams"

caught my attention. This is typically not how a haiku is written, but it’s funny to think about. Basically of written a standalone comment, that you could call a poem. It might not be a haiku other than the fact that you broke up the syllables correctly. I would say there’s more to a haiku than that.

Traditionally a haiku is about nature and the poet thoughts upon it. That’s not exactly what we have here:

I wonder if the
people we see in our dreams
ever dream of us.

The code itself is clever and insightful and funny. So I like that. And it looking at it to see if it could be improved as a haiku, I wouldn’t suggest it. I would take off the haiku label. Maybe turn it into a short poem and restructure just a little to look something like:

I wonder
if the people we see in our dreams
ever dream of us.

That’s really not much of a restructure. Looking at it though, I see the start of upon. There is something in shrieking about that comment. You could turn it into a meme and stick it on Twitter or wherever social media is dominant, and let people comment on it and see what their feedback is. It probably would inspire more property for the poem to consume.

You saw what I wrote at the top of this review. It was just my first knee-jerk reaction. Like maybe the people we see in our dreams is some sort of government cover-up, that they’ve implanted memories in our heads that we don’t know about, perhaps, is one way of looking at it. And that could just be one part of a poem. Where a person could list all the reasons why we see these strangers in our head. Could they be people we observed in the past and we’re subconsciously aware but not consciously? do our brains take facial fixtures and reconstruct them into new humans with all the attributes that we think these functioning people in our dreams have, correlating with their actions.

Of course, there is a lot of people who’ve given a lot of thought to subjects like these who might have some wilder explanations. this is what’s fun about coming up with a quip like yours, it could be used for a lot of things. It could be used as dialogue in a sitcom or movie. It could be at ad campaign slogan for some thing. When we have these reveries you never know what purpose they could serve. My only suggestion is to not use it as a cool and give it some other possibilities.

It was a pleasure reading and munding feedback on this fun quote of yours. I hope we cross pads again and get to read more of what you have to offer.

My name is Brian, I am a reviewer for the super power reviewer‘s group.

I’m using talk to text and trying to make sure it does not struggle with my elocution as I have some regional dialect that they cannot figure out. So there may be some errors you might witness that I missed, because I am legally blind.

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

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by Maryann

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#4669549

Review of Autumn

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Dear green supports Israel

,

When I see a new writer at Writing.Com, I have to ask what brings you here to share this piece of writing? What do you hope to get from your experience here as a new member? Maybe, I can help shape your perception of this writing community.

First, let's look at what you have offered for readers of writing.Com to consider. "Autumn"

is an interesting haiku with description about Autumn that this reader can appreciate. Fall is one of my favorite subjects as a poet.

Essentially, this is it:

Mountains blaze scarlet
Broad bands of blushing advance
Green leaves diminish

My uneducated understanding of haiku is that they are about nature, which you have done. You use the two lines to set up the last line, which is commentary, used for observation war to tie up the introduced thoughts from the first two lines. when I look at your haiku I could always turn it upside down. Because progression is perhaps what you want to go for? If you started out green leaves diminish. We would have the setting. Then you have in the middle line broad bands of blushing advance, which sounds like the action heading into your final line of a haiku. So I’ll look at the top line and see mountains blaze scarlet. I think that would nail it as us summarization. I wonder if you could see that as a possibility.

Looking then at the words you choose to describe. Haiku really needs to get to the imagery and depiction, while giving a reader a feel for something. Haikus usually come from some form of knowledge, some deeper relationship with nature. I think your haiku is basically observation. It’s telling a story in few words what happens and fall. this is truly very descriptive. I think what it lacks is a deeper level of emotion. The final line usually is necessary summation to give a reader pause. what has the poet discovered about far, other than it changes. Other things change including man. Perhaps, some revelation. perhaps, something in the description that reveals things like winter is coming, animals will have to hibernate and forage for more food. it could be about hunting season, I could be about the marking of Time.

This is what makes the haiku very challenging. We are trying to say something in 17 syllables that many writers need thousands of words for. Is there a lot of trial and tribulation, but in the end it’s worth it. When you can boil down things to these nuggets, of gold, you can really feel like you’ve achieved something. And I think you are on the right track. This is vivid and expressive, especially the middle line. There is alliteration that shows a little bit of action. I think all of that stuff is good to intrigue or hook a reader.

It was a pleasure to read and consider your poetry for feedback. I look forward to seeing more in the future.

How would you rate your own writing skill? Are there writers that have inspired you already? Hopefully, we'll learn more about you as you grow as a writer here .

All the best,

Brian

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by Maryann

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#4669547

Review of Shaved Haiku

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear KDougall

,

The title inspired though not befitting of the haiku’s description. I feel the experiment is just. Haikus were translated into English from Japanese, lengthening a format that does not require anything longer than 5-7-5 syllable count. Poetry scholars suggest going shorter would be keeping with the more traditional, original haiku format: to boil down expression to purest form.

However, ‘Children play’ doesn’t express much. Two ways I see around that - introduce how or what they play. Do they interact with leaves? Or, is there something about the fall weather that inspires their play? Children have been described as imps, babes, rascals, etc. Does something other than children set the tone better?

I was captured by the second line. Float might be the least helpful word. How do they float? Dance? Twirl? Whirl? And do we need breeze? The breeze causes leaves to play…like children? Possible connection here. Leaves will float without breeze, so cause abd action is waiting here, and it can tie into first line. Which leaves us with….

‘Darkness comes,’ who turned the lights out? Usually, or the attempt for the final line is summation. You could be saying it all has to end. Most folks would go to snow, winter. Perhaps, holding out wind from second line can lead to conclusion of evidence that fall breezes signal something. What is the poet realizing. What are the actors in this poem about to sense?

It was a pleasure to discover your haiku and be able to read and consider it for comment,

Brian

Super Power Reviewers Group

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by Maryann

I do apologize if you find any error in this review as I am legally blind and using my tablet and talk to text, trying to catch the errors as they come across and edit as I go. Some thing I’m still working on.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4669543

Review of We are all insane

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Dear Bob,

This is clearly a deep and unusual poem that starts out with someone wanting to die and or kill themselves and going on this mission to express or explain to a reader what they have learned about life and putting everything into perspective, that supposedly is to give the impression where the notion to die comes from in the beginning.

Each section of this poem described as assignment progresses until we are out into the Milky Way. And it reminds me of my dad as he got older and was beyond jaded and realizing the inevitable, that wife knocks you down and you have to get up until you die. And that we are all insignificant and small, and our world and race could be wiped out in an instant. this poem reminds that if we’re not living in the moment and just looking at the past or into the future and saying what’s the point, then that’s where you are. So yes, rational people are delusional. Or perhaps rational to just turn off the part that knows the ultimate outcomes. That we are limited in our time and we must do the best with what we have.

When I first opened up my mic to use talk to text I was going to say this sounds like free association. That the author starts out with one topic and moves onto the other. But as a good writer, you can tie it all together and bring it back to the beginning. And when I mentioned unusual, it’s the song lyrics at the end they got me. Using the Eurythmics as an example made me feel like life is random and we can blurt out or say anything at any moment and it doesn’t have to mean anything, but it still says something. I think it gets back to that question of sanity.

We are also tying up the poem at the end, sorry assignment, and it really is A call back to the open. That maybe you could’ve also use queens song “Don’t Try Suicide“. but, perhaps, that wouldn’t actually fit with theme. Just wanted to throw it in there. I would add, that someone is remembered after death before they are not remembered. There is a gravestone for both my parents in the backyard of my brothers property, where we used to hunt and camp. They maintain it and each year more things encroach on it. And my brother will die, and his family will likely get the house. I don’t see them selling it. But I don’t see them really understanding the ashes in urns buried under these headstones in the ground. The people that knew my mom and dad, who knew grandma and grandpa, will eventually fade away as we are well.

It was a pleasure to read and take part in this assignment with you. They gave me a lot to think about.

Brian
Superpower reviewer group

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by Maryann

Please pardon any grammatical or typographical errors or other errata, as I used talk to text now to do these reviews because I am writing on a tablet. I’m trying to make sure no errors come across as I speak, and to edit those out. If I ever get back to my laptop, perhaps I could do a better job. So pardon my brain dust.

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#4669536

Review of YELLOW,

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

How about that? I got you twice on four clicks for reading review and now I’m back.

This poem using the color yellow reminds me of a recent whatever contest prompt. You’ve use what appears to be free verse poetry and starting each stanza with the word yellow to describe each object and describing these objects.

I think if the theme is yellow, you should actually avoid the word. Just as one thinks of a banana, they know it is yellow. unless it isn’t ripe. same goes for Lemon, bumblebee, school bus, etc. honey was an interesting choice. Gold is also a signifier of yellow. Scratching my head how that works. Gold is its own color.

So let’s talk about the poem a little bit. I noticed above that is written for children. I think if you were laying this out as an illustrated book, you might tease a little bit with the words to intrigue child, possibly one that is a beginning reader. I think children at an early age don’t understand expressions like “sing in morning light.“ It is a good expression however. So, I would imagine this as a book that a parent can read to a child, and teaching them the importance of expression.

Daisies can be white, yellow, and now many other colors. Assigning them a color in the open is appropriate. It could be an opportunity to abandon the word after that, using the following verses to describe other things that remind of the color yellow. just a suggestion if you’re looking for ways to take a different approach to this poem.

Even using morning light can express the color yellow. If a person was trying to play a little taboo words game, trying not to say the word that they’re describing, you could completely edit yellow out of that sentence and use the morning light and daisies to give the reader the feeling or impression of yellow. It doesn’t have to be heavy handed. Even a child can respond to this, because primary or basic colors are something that come very naturally and perhaps this is an opportunity to take it further in their minds to think about things that are yellow.

This is a well structured and ordered poem. It serves the purpose to take each stanza individually and make it its own unique poem within a poem. when we get to your summation, there’s a quick reference to Writing.com and the yellow suitcase. obviously, something that not would make it children’s story. So, the writer has taken freedom do use this community as part of the inspiration for the poem.

I would think yellow golden color of honey sounds redundant. I think golden serves well. And now that I look at some of these stanzas, you could actually make each a poem. I’m intrigued by the Honey tree, because you describe it as small. I cannot visualize it unless there is a redshirted bear stuck inside. but that wasn’t a honey tree that was just a hidey hole. But you probably get my meeting. You could break this apart and have fun making individual poems about each of these. They could have interludes with other things that they commune with, possibly in nature.

You can talk about bumblebees and honey and how they go hand-in-hand. There is also a side of horticulture and vegetation that serves a purpose that children could learn about with each of these stanzas you describe. So, I see lots of opportunities with this poem. And it is something that I would seriously consider as part of an anthology, perhaps? Where you could take each of these and have them interconnecting as a group of poems describing things for children and understanding their function and purpose.

It was a pleasure once again to read and comment on your children’s writing. And I will hopefully move onto the next reading review, perhaps we’ll meet again?

Brian

Super Power reviewers Group

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by Maryann

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#4669497

Review of SAMMY THE SWEET POTATO,

Review by Brian KC

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Dear Penelope Moonbeam

,

I like this idea of a sweet potato and it’s story. But feel it might be more genuine in third person than first. This way a parent can read the story to the child. It also allows characteristics of the potato to be described. Most people might not know a yam from a sweet potato. At least, I don’t.

What I do like about "SAMMY THE SWEET POTATO,"

is how he relates to the other vegetables in the basket. This could be another description game, where the story has Sammy wondering what the round red ripe fruit is. It teaches.

I think giving Sammy a voice in quotes would work. Phrases like: Sammy thought. I would eliminate the excuses for the story and maybe depict the opening scene like this is Sammy, he’s a sweet potato. If he could tell a story….

Just my opinion. I like to get right to the story, it’s hook. Children have shorter attention spans than me. The opening could tease with description. Whatever Sammy looks like and a child guesses, interacts. Stories like these read multiple times will be teaching, having the child take over story, possibly learning to read. Sammy doesn’t have too come to life with voice or be a mascot.

I think you have a story brimming with potential to entertain kids. It is ripe with imagery and depictions that I can illustrate with my mind. Of course, a picture book, but what kind? A reading level? It’s a pretty impression piece of work and would love to see you cultivate this as a childrens series. Why sweet potatoes are important, what’s unknown, should be know. It’s fun to consider.

Thanks for sharing,

Brian
Super Power Reviewer

I found your story on the read and review page.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .