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*One of the most sought after reviewers at Writing.Com.* Seriously? *Laugh* There was a time my honesty could be brutal. Residing here 14 years, as a sensitive writer myself, I'm able to temper observations that neither flatter or off-put. I like to see the good, observe how each writing projects. If I review, it's mainly because I see the value. I want to strike up friendships and partnerships, though it can be quite isolating here for a non-conformist, who has bent part of the way, but not fully met with reciprocating compromise. This can temporarily cause me to bend back. *Smirk*
 
So if you want to see how I review, my feedback is public. Don't be afraid to tap in and see for yourself. *Smile* UPDATE: IF YOU'RE AN UPGRADED MEMBER, you don't have to gift me points for reviews. Send me that one free merit badge you're allotted monthly and I'll review up to 4 mid-length poems, or one short story up to 5k words.
I'm good at...
Sleeping. Retired now. I encourage writers with my reviews. I look for strengths and give direction on how to make something better. I am willing to continue to correspond with the writer if there is more I can offer. I look at what drives a reader. I think with my experience, I can see where your art derives from and is taking you. Sometimes, before the writer knows.
Favorite Genres
nature, love, psychological, drama, human interest, history, science, conspiracy, dystopian, fatalistic, tasteful
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, fan fiction, some fantasy and sci-fi, or anything Lord of the Rings/Game of Thrones-ish.
Favorite Item Types
poetry, short story, essay
Public Reviews
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376
376
Review of Not Me  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Poetry doesn't have to be a complicated art form, as I find here simple expressions for the way one feels. I took a look at some of your other writing and see a beginner at work. Toughest part is getting the words out on the page and you've done that. I think going forward, reading as much poetry as you can will benefit your style. Find words that read and sound the best to you. You might find you will emulate These works if you are meant for poetry. But, by all means, keep writing and experiencing what you feel. Discover during this process.

Good Luck,
B


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377
377
Review of Autumn leaves  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I enjoyed the nature aspect and sentiment of your fall-themed haiku. I think some attribution and reducing a few redundancies would give strength and clarity to an already powerful expression.

I tumbled over the first five syllables because I was uncertain about 'lost' as a verb, adjective or what? I wasn't sure where the action was.

The second line doesn't need 'sing songs' as either or neither will do because we can imagine wind sound as mourning. You do want to make it sound sweet, bittersweet I assume hence musicality.

The last line I wasn't sure who 'she' is. Nature, fall, the wind, the poet? And does she 'celebrate' doom? Sounds evil now, doesn't intone message. But it was the first haiku, but maybe worth revisiting? I see potential.

B


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378
378
Review of Daffodils Haiku  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a sweet and simple haiku about daffodils that with some maturation could become a more impactful expression.

Simple words can be very effective as writers like Hemingway have shown, but avoid weak verbs like 'are' or filler like 'the' when writing a thing that depends on every syllable to evoke a message as beautiful as the blooms you write about.

'Suddenly warmer' is effective but the second line could really pop with a strong verb and/or adjective. Even the word 'first' might be wasted as we can assume they are just arriving...the word arrive might give it more cachet.

'Quietly' could move up to second line as the needed adjective/adverb. The final line could say something about this experience. I think bees or butterflies or children clutching or smelling.

Just some things to ponder about, as I have.

B



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379
379
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I read this haiku with some interest wondering what the poet's definition of zebra might be. I could not comprehend the meaning.

You follow line and syllable rules for the Japanese poem form, not sure if the aspect of nature or last line statement were fulfilled. The repitition of zebra necessary, given the truncated form?

For a reader to appreciate what you express, perhaps a clearer message.

B


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380
380
Review of How Like Kites  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Let me try this again as an unaffiliated reviewer, in the sense that my perspective has changed on this and I might be able lend more insight without the precedent restraints of group awareness.

I'm affiliating this review as a member of the WDC Angel Army.

Dear peach ,

"How Like Kites" is a nice title for a poem that could explore a very worthwhile metaphoric or personified image of kites as people.

Your poem breaks out of the gate with:

"how like kites
we are..."

Okay, you got me. But, that was it? When you are in the moment and find this expression, something was revealed to you. What was the occasion, mood, moment that inspired this thought? There must have been something tangible that could have been described that would have allowed this poem lift off.

Did the poet, like the kite, run across the mind with a thought only to stop before getting the machination aloft? You can appreciate how much there really is to say about a poem that stopped short of what it could say.

What we have here now is a beautiful prompt, a bit of inspiration for other poets, writers, reviewers to imagine lending to this scene...thanks for this inspiration:

How like kites
we are
Always chasing
The invisible?
Our tail?
Into pale blue
We climb alone
Without eyes like hearts
Soaring and falling
As if seeking
Some unknown summit.

With our tail out
Carefree, prone to shift
Our position
We shove, heave
In every new direction.

We clear these
Imaginary obstacles
Seek greater
Glory, until too battered
By a life
Of hapless navigating
Hopeful, not crash, but
Float back down
To magnetic ground --
Maybe, never
Set a course again,
Safe in the boy's closet.

How like kites...


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381
381
Review of The Sirens.  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really and fully enjoyed this read. Your storytelling through rhyme appears impeccable. The language is a bit simple, but it's good because of the type of poetry genre it befits. It is cautionary, has moral. You seem to do it effortlessly.

I saw no errors. You've crafted a fine poem. Well done,

B


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382
382
Review of The Quiet  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I'm captured by that description line. Forget the poem for a moment: "the strength of the mind is only exceeded by its fragility." That is a stark and deep statement that is ironic and true. Well said.

The poem uses some unique expressions that made it hard for me to grasp voice, but I know it is unique and that is what a good poem needs. It's the kind of effort that needs several reads because I get more from each pass through. Great expressions, that feeling I'm inside that mind like a forest.

Fully interpreted, your poem could mean something different to each reader.

Well done,

B


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383
383
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is such a beautiful poem that is direct, sweet and honest. I looked up and was surprised it was not categorized as spiritual or religious. I think people looking for a poem like this would dig for it in those categories.

A fine piece of writing that was a pleasure to consume. Keep it up.

B


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384
384
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's a very dramatic poem that seeks mercy, understanding, acceptance. What's unfortunate for readers is we can't get close enough to the subject being dealt with that makes the poet's soul ache so.

Of course, we write to get these feelings out. It's a process of expression, seeking an understanding audience with hope of perspective. It's always the right choice to communicate like this. The reflection of ourselves in our words will actually help us see.
It's a process of retrospect that will take time and more writing, communicating to get answers, a fuller picture.

Stay true to you,

B


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385
385
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I was happy to read and share my thoughts on your work.

I see some opportunities with this story. I see easy fixes to give it more punch. First, get rid of passive voice, second, slow the read and shorten sentences. Make these thoughts more concise.

Overall, you have great insight and perspective. You have something very important to share from life changing experiences with sadness/depression. Dinosaur Underwear is an anthem. I'm impressed with how relatable you make this.

Keep writing,

B



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386
386
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very interesting vignette that I believe drew from a very personal and affecting experience. I can imagine being in that scene with the man drawing his last breaths as if he wanted to finish this race called life.

This piece could be fleshed out more, hint at more than a few lines of perspective. Perhaps, a sense of foreboding with that weather? Not sure if you want to embellish or create fiction, but this is relatable and worthy work.

Good luck,

B


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387
387
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Enlightening piece about those people who know the right person to answer their door on those solicitous house calls. All-in-all, a non-sensical rambling that reads more like stream of consciousness rather than structured story. It could use focus. Description of setting, character more?

Maybe, the main character, who can talk to his dog, is an easy mark for Girl Scout cookies because he's a known pot head. Either way, you collect a few chuckles, scratched my head mostly. Sounds like this person lives with guilt and shame, making very marketable. Psychological revelations lie beneath.

B


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388
388
Review of The Perfect Poem  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
An ode to a perfect poem is an intriguing start, with a title that made me wonder if the poet has some insights to share.
What I noted was a three stanza toenail-lined structure full of ponderance. Through your process of searching for discovery, it's learned there are no perfect answers. Maybe imperfect is the better way to go.
Good effort,

B


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389
389
Review of You  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Dear Kay ,

I'm a reviewing you as a member of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

"You gave me much to ponder about a short, simple declaration of truth. I can sense the energy and excitement revealed in this poem you've encouraged comment for. After giving consideration to the message, I'm inspired to wonder -- does more need to be said to relate this to a reader?

Your brief poem is a glimpse into a moment when a writer is grasping at faith like serendipity. You've got something by the tail, but I say: don't let it go.

So many times something poignant like this is revealed to the author, causing one to run for the nearest transcription service. We might not have time to flesh out this thing gnawing at us -- certain we'll finish later. But, when the writer does return...hmm, what's missing? That moment when that portal opened...is now closed.

💎

I'm reminded of this conundrum when I see your short 'truest' revelation. We didn't harness all the energy in those special moments to keep pursuing, hang on to the tail of that thing grasped to see where it might lead. Sometimes, nowhere.

Now, the author might know how truly poignant this write is...but the task is to convey those feelings to an audience to get the same, similar, moving revelation. Perhaps, it needs more exploration.

What I find is some sudden realization how one has so deeply identified with another that it's soul defining. But, why does the author diminish the realization that this other is on their mind, joined at the hip, saying 'like it means anything, anymore'? Was it too late? I assume the realization of this connection isn't after a breakup.

💎

So, I ponder what is true....why the long pause between first two lines and last word 'anymore'? I hear echoes between space and of time. And when you say 'own it' you don't mean the other -- but your feelings for that other...this is the truth: Love?

I just hope the two crazy kids work it out. *Bigsmile* The author is certainly in charge, happy, free having learned this true fate. It was a pleasure to read and comment,

Brian KC - I Used To Be Alive
PDG Reviewing Newbie

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390
390
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hello Old Man Time ,

The review of your poem comes on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers of which I am a new member. I'm a little excited for more than one reason. A haiku about a camping trip in Northern Wisconsin?! That's my heck of the woods. *Bigsmile*

I very much enjoyed the expressions used in "Hiking at Midnight and wondered with a little editing if this could be made stronger. You have your syllable counts correct, use nature, but maybe your summation will get stronger reversing lines one and two...adding more setting, description.

*Star*          *Star*          *Star*

Line two employed a weak adjective in 'little'...you want to make every word count. What I question is why you start looking up to leaves in line one, then down to the grass in line two, but up again to the stars in line three. This could be more effective if you pan upward from grass to leaves to stars...see what I mean?

Now, the other thing I dealt with consuming this scene is lack of light. Those stars need a good amount of darkness to be visualized. How are we seeing grass and trees without mention of campfire or silhouettes? It could be assumed/imagined, but maybe, more effective to hint at it. Makes a haiku more difficult, getting all that crammed in there. You want that challenge...want words that could doubly, triply describe or imply images, mood, etc.
*Star*          *Star*          *Star*

You've got the fabric in place. 'Grasp' was a key active word in your haiku that could use a little touch up to express even more. So, I consider how you could swap lines/words to make better?

Original:
Silent, gentle leaves
Little rivulets of grass
Grasp the starlit night


Suggested:
Rivulets of grass
Soft leaves silhouettes grasping
A starlit canvass

I look at the suggested revision and wonder how important the grass is visually. Maybe, if it were felt instead. Want to employ senses, especially in connection with how we sense our surroundings...even with narrative mood.
*Star*          *Star*          *Star*

When I consider what this haiku could do without, I realize I wasn't fond of 'rivulets' -- difficult description in this short form...maybe not accurate? Is grass dewy, warm from fire, are blade tops illumed, deeply shadowed where unseen? You see?

Just maybe...you could try this:

Wet blades of warm grass
Soft leaves silhouettes grasping
A starlit canvass


Sorry I hijaked your haiku...but it has potential as I discovered what you are working worth. There are a million combinations there...possibly literally. Anyone could play with this haiku and make plenty of great images, expressions come to life from this. Your offering here makes that very possible.

Inspired writing thanks to our great outdoors! It was a pleasure to read and respond to your haiku,

Brian KC - I Used To Be Alive
PDG Rockin' Reviewin' Newbie

*Star*          *Star*          *Star*

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391
391
Review of Hearts  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)

In regards to "Hearts -- This is good beginner poetry. This is like the 'roses are red' variety of poetry. But it begs why hearts be purple? Of valor, yes? And why of blue, sad? But lines three and four break from color scheme and I wondered about a fix for consistency and lend to some impending, unforeseen expressions that could add depth to theme.

What if the poet has a heart of valor, sometimes blue, but that it always beats for you? Then, a reader can infer purple and it doesn't confuse if you are directly describing a soldier wounded in combat. Hmm...wounded on love's battlefield. Could really have something of an expression to work with there.

It's lyrics really. Take it further and see,

Brian



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392
392
Review of Unity  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)

I discovered this senryu described like a haiku that did a great job of conveying in this short form a message with imagery and showing without telling.

We might have a problem with the first line, though. Sun sparkling is just not how I envision it. Obstacles like the sand it meets with might catch that glimmer. Maybe, the first line could be reordered to: 'sun-kissed, sparkling sand' -- that's an image I can appreciate.

'Golden circle on my hand' teased...just a little. With location...I'm getting a wedding on a beach vibe. Maybe, not author's intent, but what vision I got...especially when the third line reads 'Sworn on hallowed land'. Now, if I knew my geography or a bit of history, might that Beach be discernible?

Nicely done to give setting, description, mood, with a bit of a puzzle to imagine this scene. Pretty good job.

Brian


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393
393
Review of How Like Kites  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm affiliating this review as a member of the WDC Angel Army.

Dear peach ,

"How Like Kites is a nice title for a poem that could explore a very worthwhile metaphoric or personified image of kites as people.

Your poem breaks out of the gate with:

"how like kites
we are..."

Okay, you got me. But, that was it? When you are in the moment and find this expression, something was revealed to you. What was the occasion, mood, moment that inspired this thought? There must have been something tangible that could have been described that would have allowed this poem lift off.

Did the poet, like the kite, run across the mind with a thought only to stop before getting the machination aloft? You can appreciate how much there really is to say about a poem that stopped short of what it could say.

What we have here now is a beautiful prompt, a bit of inspiration for other poets, writers, reviewers to imagine lending to this scene...thanks for the inspiration.

How like kites we are
Flight of fancy
Always chasing the pale blue
With our tail out
Carefree, prone to shift our position
When the invisible forces
Shove, heave life
In every new direction
And how by savage means
We clear these obstacles
Seek greater heights,
Glory, until too battered
By a life of navigating
Float back down
To magnetic ground --
Maybe, to never
Set a course again,
Safe in the boy's closet.
How like kites...

Yeah...Just typed without edit. It's easy enough. Take a run at it.

B

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394
394
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I don't know if this draft/story introduction is based on actual folklore (having no knowledge of this type of literature), or if originally authored, or adapted from similar legend. It does intrigue and inform well.

I'm reminded of Native American stories about Raven that stole the sun and gave it back to the people. It also draws a little from Prometheus, the story of Jesus and the immaculate conception...and Star Wars. And all these stories may have been influenced by other stories...so a confluence of fictional construction, which can make for a solid story.

I like that this ends with someone knowing this child threatens the current order, Dawn is in trouble and we have the old man who is wise and will help here.

There's a lot of structural errors, but I'd move forward with this as a bit of story open. I liked the detached style of narrating. Loaded with facts, harkens ye old language just enough. Good luck,

Brian


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395
395
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Dear GK ,

Your poem "No One Told Me it was a Formal Occasion sparks with some unique expressions in a delightful tribute to a colorful feline friend.

Something as personal as this might be difficult to edit to suit a reader. I do relate to what I see as back story and words of tribute akin to a pastoral poem.

Referencing butt and poop wasn't a stellar way to start out. In fact, I would have preferred focus on the two descriptions that revolve around your pet's unique markings.

The title doesn't say enough to describe to a reader, though it is the description line. I would prefer tuxedo cat...or a clever nickname like 10-pin. And, in a way, it's two separate poems with occasion to describe the animal's unique traits and settings...how he plays, looks at you while you dress, prepare to go out, how he looks in his tuxedo eating food.

It's inspired expressions that beg a framework to tease readers with all the fun this special cat can have in it's fur-like costumewear. Just some things to think about. Definitely, bypass or just don't begin with that opening stanza. Describe your kitty right away and play with it in text.

Brian


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396
396
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Dear lenny666 ,

I'm reviewing your item "The Dreaded Eye-O-You, which is listed as poetry.

This was a tight read and full of emotion for a friend who failed you. Not a former friend? Usually, a person moves on from relationships described like this...which amounts more to a writer's word play. But, too cliche and lacks description. To me, it reads less like poetry and more like a cleverly worded rant. It's a start.

Suggestions: describe an event or events in a few words that got this person to upset the poet. Unique perspective is what you should go for. Stick with a metaphor within this theme. You have a house metaphor created from an overused expression. Perhaps, get rid of expression 'my hide you irritate' which detracts from your message when we consider why you express this. Flesh, if affected, can be described in many ways: crawling, burning, chilled, etc.

I think it's back to the drawing board for this, or just move on to the next. Again, it's more of an expulsion of words describing frustration. And maybe, take some time to consider the value of good friendship rather than dwell with one who has let you down

BK


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397
397
Review of Masterpiece  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

This is a poem about putting someone on a pedestal, but it was making me wonder how it must feel to be there...as the object of desire.

The poem speaks directly and indirectly about this 'masterpiece' of a goddess. Would keep the voice consistent. Described as the type that doesn't think she's pretty, so maybe an esteem issue and then there's this poet around writing odes that maybe do more harm than good to her psyche. It appears she doesn't know what she wants, but he's willing to wait around after she's had a go with other men, in case she might promise her love to him?

The expressions were cliche. But, there was an attempt to personify time as having legs and how even this universal element cannot appreciate her? It didn't quite work, though it gave me an odd visual of Buddha. Why, I do not know?

I think this is inspired and is important to the people the poem is about. Would try comparing her to something more, or something more specific. 'Eyes shot through the soul' was uninspired if not harsh commentary of one he spends an entire poem uplifting.

B


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398
398
Review of Hidden Inside  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)

This harkens a song like 'Tears of a Clown' for me -- where Smokey Robinson sings about having to put a smile on his face after seeing his ex with another.

What you have here is more prose-like. Poetry describes rather than tells of these feelings. Would not see as song lyrics, either. It makes a great point about how one is unable to get past something without others expectations of us that detract.

'An overcome of pain' was an awkward phrase that could use better word choice than 'overcome'. Now, 'since the tragedy' being generic/too vague, why not explore more direct an event, actual feelings, grief, ignorance of others to conclusion. While i can relate to these sentiments, this does not set itself apart...not too unique.

Just some things to consider,

BK


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399
399
In affiliation with Circumpolar Reviewer *ALL CASE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hello {super:firedude},

I've been looking at your poetry. Came across this: Shape poem that caught my attention with its word choice, pattern, sensory choices to put a reader in the moment.

I liked the feel of that driving line 'patters on the brim' and how one senses, like we are imagining the rain without seeing. We are disconnected but know it will drip down to muddy dirt/dust...for example.

'Beating beats' seems repetitive and for a purpose, the banality of continual rain is well described with that phrase. I enjoyed how the poem has a moment when the rain let up then started again. That connects me.

Word choices I wondered about, though, repeating 'sound' instead of something descriptive. 'Wilts away' also an odd choice, though I understand it. Wind interacting with rain to drive it away...one should really consider in that moment how rain is buffeted by wind. I think you can have a great sensory moment I'd described better.

Great opportunity to explore sound words. Great construct for poem that did help a reader appreciate how it affects perception of scene, developing cadence of rain.

B


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400
400
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi, I am Brian KC - I Used To Be Alive and I am reviewing your chapter "Charisma- The Devil's Gap- Chapter 1 as a member of "The WDC Angel Army.

The title and description of this introductory chapter offer a reader something to look forward to, looking forward to a challenge of what we know about the world. Unfortunately, it's short and leaves us hanging -- maybe, that's good -- so we must read on in Chapter 2 to see what happens next. I think this needed more, however, either with characters and setting, or detailing and foreboding the coming details from Uncle Peter to Liam.

*Star* First graph/open...some thoughts:
Good hook to intrigue a reader. Perhaps, remove ‘even’ )unless you were writing in first person) as this distracts for an omniscient narration...sounds less authoritative — less mature.

Like: “The soft leather chattered...” because it plays with senses, puts reader in scene — connecting early.

*Star**Star* Early character descriptions give us contrast and helps visualize them, plug their differences into a reader’s discerning analysis of interaction going forward. Would introduce that Uncle mention sooner. Helps with dynamic of their relationship. We struggle to reform our opinion of how these two operate socially here as they dialogue.

I did not see Peter’s eagerness early enough. He seems collected before Orgone is mentioned...for someone whose about to spin a very intriguing tale. Characters can tempt with their words, give impressions of having seen something like god, or act smug. Just noting that some kind of foreboding, even a few words, can help describe to a reader who will read more closely, scavenge the text for evidence of what’s about to come. When Liam gets distracted not only will his frustration seem apparent, but the reader will impose their own feelings about that...connect us to emotion in story.

I think Liam should have a skeptical reaction to Peter’s initial reveal of the Prism flash. A little hesitation to add with attribution his first comment. I would be wondering why it would be important.

Suggest ending sentence from Liam like this...

“I mean, kind of cool, sure, but what’s this got to do with...” Add periods to show he’s reaching for — “...Orgone?” Could even use hyphens. *Bigsmile*

I found awkward — “His smile emanated his enthusiasm.” Maybe, something simpler to describe. You don’t want a reader to get caught wondering what that means when it’s quick and simple attribution you go for to keep us in story.

For 53, Peter seems to be stuck in high school nerd-dom. Thiscquality -- a person who is stuck -- can make a reader want to see him overcome this hangup. The discovery of Orgone and how it functions could be the thing to reform him. Interacting with it might be in the offing...super powers? See, I don't know. If you tease enough, forebode, I might want to read on to find out what happens to him.

Where are the other scientists/researchers? Why is Liam the one Peter needs to hear this? Is it something he needs to keep secret until, they can do more with Orgone?

*Star**Star**Star* As to Motivation:
Why doesn't Peter tease Liam with more to get his pseudo-nephew's interest? Would make Liam's character more aggravating if he still doesn't listen while Peter is trying to emphatically speak with him. Their dynamic in open is important to setting tone. I'm getting that Peter is repressed, afraid to assert himself to the type of character Liam is.

*Star**Star**Star**Star* What future story could contain:

I wonder if Orgone is supernatural, volatile?
I wonder if Orgone will give Peter powers that could get him respect?
Will Peter find self-respect?
Will a villain enter the story who has figured out what Peter knows about Orgone?
Will other characters be introduced? Maybe, a teen sidekick? He could be a powerful example to another how to get over insecurities as a nerd.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* Just a few thoughts I had while reading your chapter. I am just interested enough, I may be back for more later. Definitely would consider edits to make this stronger/longer. Might want to consider you expected audience, as this is not advanced/mainstream literature...maybe teen/adolescent (they crave writers in this market)...in which case I would recast Peter younger...or not mention age but describe him for a younger audience. Definitely good stuff for sci-fi fans.

It was a pleasure to read and hope to see more,

Brian


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