Dear WhisperWind  ,
I really enjoy a good poem about how a writer copes with struggles, especially when you personify the writing aid. "Once Upon a Pen"  is a good title theme to drive this narrative look into what inspires without employing muses and faeries, but a little imagination about an instrument that words flow through.
Obviously this is a story of writer's block. The storytelling aspect in those first lines were sort of parental and distancing from the actual subject/writer in this poem. The pen doesn't seem a major figure in this story at the outset and in fact feels like the poet disconnecting from self in third person narration. It's an intriguing, psychological look at what we writers do to inspire us.
I can imagine part way in to this poem that the true inspiration from this story IS THIS POEM. It's as if the poem recounts the struggles up to this poem's creation and then in the moment has a vision to write out of the funk. The pen becomes magic, rainbow expressions appear and this poem starts sailing.
I think this offering shows truly the ways writers can get imaginative and instruct about their struggles to relay to others who might feel this way. And all poems like these have happy endings? The fairytale ending is fiction. In reality, we have this. We have a poem that must go through another chapter, perhaps a trilogy or an episodic series to complete it's journey For me, that next step is editing.
If it wasn't written with pen, we'd be introducing the eraser. Perhaps, the editor's pencil, with it's blue markings to highlight sections, words and places where improvement is possible, but not necessary. This is just a review with some thoughts about what I saw that might help you advance this vision a little more.
For instance, I'm all about direct action. Verbs lag behind nouns as poets tend to use commas too much. I suggest a new placement for crumbled to make it an adjective so we can get rid of that pesky comma as I illustrate below:
And threw down the pen while paper crumbled,
Was tossed in the bin.
And threw down the pen while crumbled paper
was tossed in the bin.
It's not a big change and more direct. It's a minor issue for me, maybe not at all for others. Something I suggest to just consider how words are arranged and how a new sentence construct can make a read flow better. (Though, careful not to lose that poetic flavor or voice that defines you.) Commas and indirect verbs tend to slow or trip up reads, and can be employed when you really want that feel. I like a smooth read there.
Just a small oops here:
Everyday it her watched her pain.
And one other point about that sentence that a poet could really consider...employing the right words to fit with metaphor, theme, or in this case, personification. Among the sensory tools, would you say a pen has sight or touch? I do not imagine a pen with eyes but plastic or metal skin. It should convey feel when the pen associates with the writer's pain. And 'watched' is not a strong word here.
What do you want the pen to experience in that pivotal moment? How is the pen like a muse? To me, a reader has to consider why this pen is so important to story. It seems the hero, the angel, the empathizer, the instrument that has magic and the power to change the story.
Perhaps, when personifying, you want to give this pen some relatable properties that can be employed to hone theme and metaphors. This line and all words that personify should align and give the reader an ability to surmise what's special, help visualize and connect with that instrument.
(at this stage of the review, I realize how much I'm putting into this. long-winded it might seem, I'll try to wrap up as best I can.)
I realize the pen does not contribute in the conflict-resolution aspect, because there is none. There could be. And, I realized this when I read:
A poetic rainbow soared across pages.
I know considering a rewrite might alter the free associating episode that produced this raw piece. Editing a dream is very hard. We are informed by the vision and the outcome. Sometimes, we take that vision further, once experience informs. I'm informed by that rainbow.
If it were worked into the poem earlier, as that moment of inspiration described, it can go beyond this something suddenly changed, where nothing was visualized, felt or realized.
I really like the employed feathers in connection with that rainbow. The poet is soaring toward something. It could suggest power of that pen to be described. Personify the gift of it's elements...through that touch that connects to the writer's imagination. I say this because a pencil was my tool of choice once upon a time, when properly sharpened, it artfully scrawled upon my notebooks until visions appeared.
There's something about the employment of some instrument, just the right one, that makes these visions come forth. In the way you personify your writing instrument, you could give it characteristics and abilities to give weight to this piece, really flesh out this fantasy of how writers connect with their muses in unique ways.
I think you are onto something with this and have great imagination to bring it to life. If you play with it more, who knows what more it could yield. I find most often here writers never edit, just move on to the next. Hopefully, I didn't go on too long and bore you. Just saw something with potential and wanted to share how I responded and where I see this poem going.
Brian
 
** Image ID #1578663 Unavailable **
Further apologies if there are grammar or spelling issues that might make this review difficult to understand, as I am legally blind. |
I accept review credits if I deserve rank. I accept merit badges as recognition, to be earned not bought…my opinion. I buy to support friends to maintain my shadowed equivalency, not pad.
I have low vision, ADHD. it’s tripped me up. I dust off, get back in the game.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Be proud.
