Happy Account Anniversary Hezza,
Your poem shows grace to capture profound emotions with loss of a loved one, grandmother, in a heartfelt elegy. Tenderly handled, sense the loss in celebrating her life and legacy.
The poem is straightforward, with noted rhyme scheme. A soothing rhythm mirrors comfort, lends to memories shared. Consistent, thereâs a gentle flow, making poem accessible and emotionally resonant for loved ones. It can reach a general reader on many levels. Some opportunities exist to enhance dynamic quality further, reflect complex emotions involved in this item with its mourning and remembrance.
I can speak to how you express this to help others connect in poignant and evocative terms. Phrases "a light went out" and "brightening heaven" offer vivid images that intone sorrow, hope of eternal peace for the beloved. There is contrast in these expressions. A repetition of "go" in the final stanza underscores theme of release and acceptance, reinforcing the message of love and letting go.
Poetic devices: The personification of "light" as the grandmotherâs presence and the metaphor of "wings of your familyâs love" imbue the poem with a sense of ethereal transcendence. Additionally, the use of alliteration in lines like "watched you fade" and "mem'ries you gave us" add to the lyrical quality of this poem.
On closer inspectionâŚwitnessed opportunities. To highlight your elegy going forward: my aim is focus on deepening emotional impact, using more specific personal anecdotes or characteristics of grandmother (understood by family, needed for a wider audience), describing more to transform tribute with its personal memories. Plus, ideas on the structure and categorize imagery, with transition from grandmotherâs last hours to the higher calling,
From poem lead-in, asked myself questions before considering the whole of poem for evidence to put together poet/poem process to completion. It is nearly 20 years since posted at WDC, some suggestions focus where this poem could serve today as elegy, and how poet could see its evolution, if one were to revisit, however.
Hook:
I believe the opening declarative line catches a readers attention, a good hook. Itâs not cliche but pretty standard in approach, definitely a write serving family to intone, overcome loss. Forward, gaveingfurther consideration, ask âdoes it set up subject well enough for impressionable audienceâ? A personal poem, type shared with family, might leave readerâs outside wanting more info. Could it be enough to encourage further interest?
In second line of verse, there is the use of the word âspark,â possibly not properly applied. Regardless, doesnât matter, but a spark ignites fuel for a fire to maintain. If one were to do a rewrite, you might find lots of different ways to explore just with that one line. It also could help serve as that stark opening hook. Your caught between light and spark, and which would produce flame/light, and for poetic devices, working toward a central metaphor?
The first two lines didn't transition well into last verse lines. With constructing a poem, there could be a parallel from that light to the lost grandmother. As years melt away, perception evolves into a greater understanding and vision, looking back upon this poemâŚ.akin to viewing Keatsâs Grecian urn. Poet can speak to poem/dead and ask âwhat were you aboutâ, and what the poet could now fully portray..
Passages:
âBut the memâries you gave us will never pale: (example opportunity)
Your passion, your joy, your lust for life, (possible more specific?)
Your love as a grandmother, mother and wife.â
Herein questions for general readers lie. Opportunity for specificity.
âYouâve been fighting to keep your dignity (example of observance with respect to departed?)
But that fightâs now passed, so go â youâre free! (Peace, and a strong, direct narrative)
Although we are sad, and mourn you still, (shows consideration, celebrates the life)
We do know that this has long been your will.â
I can assume last line implies here the loved one needed to be a free spirit again., sought earthly departure. Itâs obliquely stated, could be addressed.
âGo on, join your son; heâll be waiting, arms wide, (This comes out of nowhere, could be worked in near your intro, give larger audience info)
And never again will you need leave his side. (Double negativeâŚalways youâll be?)
Those whoâve been touched by you; family, friends,
You know that our love for you still never ends. (When speaking to the dead, do they hear? Or, are words for survivors? In a sense, both. Something worth noting.)
So Go, take your place with the angels above, (caps G in go, strong, need for it?)
And fly there on wings of your familyâs love,
For the light that went out in the world today (full circle, back to light, good.)
Will be brightening heaven, now youâve gone there to stay.
As elegy, and commonly of the departed âgoodâ, they are light ethereal, heavenly, as if sent down through the clouds above, a face divinely lit like an Angel need no spark, no example of accelerate, but tying in one who is fire, force of nature, giving and passionate. I could suggest a metaphor path to combine both sources of imagery, to develop. Big task. Simpler is better when offering words for family. I prefer no spark over Constance of light references like âbeaconâ, something with warm energy.
I think you could have a flame that flickered out, lost from that fiery force. Perhaps, first half of poem could describe simply as earth angel. Second half of poem, transition to ethereal light, destiny heaven. Like, if flame lost, replaced by something stronger, more brilliant in Heaven, giving opportunity to be able to speak to her above, like poem does, seek counsel, or know an Angel watches over loved ones.
In building a poem with a spiritual connection like yours, brief examples of attributes and acts that intone flame can show strong worth for Heaven. In a poem that is intended to heal survivors hinges on âknowâ in transition, the revelation shared that light exchanged, more powerful, intoning not only peace but a new force greater, both giving comfort and moving on from loss providing catharsis.
Overall, "The Light Lost" is a moving homage grandmother would express pride for. Youâve captured the duality of grief and celebration, perhaps more so in Eire than the sentimental wakes of American funerals with such a loss. Time gives perspective. My comments to illuminate process, offer adjustments to form and the inclusion of more personal details, help amplify more-so the emotional resonance in a fitting tribute to her memory. Thank you for sharing your personal loss in poem. Chose this having done a celebration of life tribute to my departed brother this past weekend, still in that mindset.
Sincerely,
Brian
WDC Anniversary
and Angel Army Reviewer
 
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The poem I came across was discovered after perusing several parts of your portfolio. And, since I'm a lover of the seasonal, found myself walking through the aisles of nature poems right to this. I apologize. I passed up the folder with things that haven't been reviewed yet. I think I was drawn to something that was just the right size for my eyes to consume tonight.
There's the opportunity to disengage from the 'now that I got you caught up' and give reaction to what he's thinking, what he's planning to do in response. Thus, we start wondering about both the woman and speaker and what's happening and what the eventual outcome will be.
For what it's worth. 
