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741 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Check out: "Only Chapter One . When I review an item, the criticism offered aims to address the main problems I personally feel the writer has at the moment. So, if I critique a story that is full of typos, lacks a clear plot and a sympathetic character, I'll tend to ignore the typos and focus on how the writer can craft a better plot and protagonist, while if the story is near perfect yet full of typos, I'll focus on the typos. I don't enjoy reviewing poetry. This isn't because I don't enjoy poetry, but because poetry is a very personal statement of feelings, and it's difficult to comment on such without upsetting the author.
I'm good at...
Critiquing opening chapters and offering advice on hook, character development, plot development and initial setting. In real life, I love to read novels, so I particularly enjoy reviewing opening chapters. Check out: "Only Chapter One
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, speculative and historical fiction — I especially love time travel and YA fantasy/sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, erotica, romance, crime, thrillers, horror
Favorite Item Types
opening chapters and short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry, lyrics, interactive stories
I will not review...
Your shopping list. Anything else goes. *Bigsmile*
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Laurie Razor!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

I liked how you visibly set the brown "chocolate eggs" in a sea of green grass when speaking of hiding them for the children to hunt. The unicorn horn ingredient was original, and I'm delighted that it was painless for baby unicorns. I loved how the meaning is forgotten and only the eggs remembered. *Laugh*

What might need work

He sets them free / To live as foal. -> them is plural, so foals, not foal.

Conclusion

You've gotta love bunny chocolatiers! Great poem. *Heart*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
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2
2
Review of Waiting for sleep  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, 🏳‍🌈 Me ~ Duf ♏!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

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The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest  (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

This is a truly unique and wonderful poem. I love it! I especially love the hot pink hoof polish she doesn't want to chip. *Laugh* There's also the beautiful emotions of a mother trying to do something really special for her child. Fabulous!

What might need work

You didn't really place any evidence that the mommy in this poem is a unicorn rather than a normal horse. I know fro the poem's description it is, and the hot pink polish also hints at it, but maybe you should have mentioned her horn at some point, or her foal's.

The foal is inquisitive ❓❓❓-> at this point in your poem, you're using the viewpoint of Mommy Unicorn, so "My foal is inquisitive" or maybe better, "My filly is inquisitive", to apply gender.

Maybe she will read my words -> at this point in your poem, you swap viewpoint from unicorn mommy to yourself. Why? It works better, imho, if the viewpoint remains that of Mommy Unicorn throughout.

Conclusion

What a wonderfully hot pink and fluffy poem! *Heart*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
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3
3
Review of The Easter Bunny  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Dominique!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

What a fantastic premise. A little girl has her dreams spoiled only for a unicorn to come along and restore her faith in the EB. *Heart* I loved the flow of your poem, the word choices you made, and the pastel colors of your font.

What might need work

Rushing me down the stairs by two's -> I don't think that you should have an apostrophe here.

Conclusion

This is a marvellous, pink and fluffy poem. *Delight*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest



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4
4
Review of The Petting Zoo  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Mastiff!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

The story told within your poem was original and interesting with a strong ending. I liked your use of colors to mirror the animals' progress, where their life begins all grey and turns black, but then changes to vibrant colors when they escape and the magic rolls in.

What might need work

The lines read more like prose than free verse. Think about the tools used in poetry, such as assonance, alliteration, repetition, and succinct lines with powerful end words etc.

Conclusion

A worthy entry into the contest. *Delight*

Thank you for entering!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
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5
5
Review of chasing bunnies  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Rhyssa!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

What a wonderfully original take on the prompt! I love your use of the bunny as a muse and the rabbit hole for the descent into plotting madness where weird and wonderful ideas kidnap the story and lead it in implausible and ridiculous directions. Steampunk unicorns? What a great idea!

twists and turns, up, / down, all around, lost / silver horns and copper cogs - love the alliteration, internal rhyme, and assonance.

I laughed at the seventy-two pages lapse.

*Heart*

What might need work

Nothing. This is fantastic!

Conclusion

A truly marvellous poem.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest



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6
6
Review of Unicorn and Me  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Mina~busy again!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

This clever poem contains wonderful imagery, especially the ice flowers on grass. *HEart*

What might need work

I didn't see any reference to rabbits in this poem, though the unicorn was clearly noted.

That day hailstones falling from the sky -> fell from the sky, to match the tense of the rest of the poem.

To feel and pick some natures wonder -> nature's or natural.

Conclusion

A very visual and pretty poem.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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7
7
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Jeannie!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

I liked that you created a place where unicorns are born during the Easter period and bunnies go to visit them.

What might need work

Although I liked how you brought the bunnies and unicorns together, you don't really provide a motive. Why do the bunnies go to see the unicorns? Apart from seeing them, what do they do in this magical land? Why are unicorns born at Easter? I suppose it's good that your poem raised so many questions in my head, but I would have liked some answers within the lines of your poem.

Conclusion

A thought-provoking poem.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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8
8
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, trailerpark bodhisattva!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

You address two serious and linked issues: freedom and belief; the conviction we hold that we possess freedom. You make interesting use of the rabbit to contrast its relative freedom, unconstrained by laws and social mores, to human notions of freedom. You further point out that our conviction is simply a belief rooted in our ethnocentric and anthropocentric belief system.

What might need work

To me, this reads more like "free verse" than structured.

running endlessly from monsters with shining bodies and stinking belches -> this sounds like a very specific foe, but I couldn't work out what it was. Foxes are the first that come to mind, though eagles and wolves are partial to rabbit pie, too. But the stinking belches confused me as I don't really associate it with these creatures. However, the juxtaposition of "shining bodies" and "stinking belches" does sound quite poetic.

I was rather confused by the line - "Belief is nonexistent for those who would ignore truth". I would have thought that those who ignored the truth found it easier to believe in mythical creatures.

Conclusion

You have an interesting premise here but could perhaps have been a little clearer. Having said that, some of the deepest poems rely on ambiguous verses.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
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9
9
Review of Easter Friends  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, IceSkating SugarCube!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

This is short and sweet. I love how you show rather than tell that the unicorn and bunny are soft toys rather than real creatures through the plastic grass. Your poem captures the magic of childhood and those wonderful Easter Egg hunts. I liked the way you used a combination of assonance and alliteration in lines like "For plastic is the grass, and wicker the walls" where you associate 'plastic and grass' through assonance and 'wicker and walls' through alliteration. I also like the association of lucky and seven. *Heart*

What might need work

In the line "A small hand tosses pastel eggs in the grass", I didn't get why the small hand was doing that. I assume that the small hand means this is a child, but wouldn't the child be searching for eggs rather than hiding them?

Conclusion

This is a really cute poem about children at Easter.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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10
10
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Prosperous Snow Globe!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

The story in your poem was humorous and flowed well. You made good use of the structure, and I liked your occasional use of internal rhymes to supplement the end rhymes, eg. wheeze/breeze.

What might need work

A couple of small typos:

She touch his head with her golden horn -> touched
"This is your Easter guise until you learn practical jokes aren't t wise." -> aren't wise.

Conclusion

I hope that Peter Cottontail learned his lesson in the end! *Wink*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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11
11
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, 🌜 Huntersmoon!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

A fantastic inspirational poem about being the best you that you can. Fantastic structure, with internal and end rhymes throughout. Wonderful flow and word choices.

What might need work

That final couplet is a bit naughty! *Laugh*

Conclusion

What a wonderfully pink and fluffy poem. *Heart*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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12
12
Review of Grandma's Garden  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Moon Fae ♏!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

I love your story. It's very simple and sweet. The rhyming structure is used effectively.

What might need work

A bunny stood in a vest then bowed saying "I beg your pardon", -> missing comma after 'saying'

Conclusion

I really like this cute little poem.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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13
13
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, L.A. Grawitch!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

I like that Sasha found the joy of the season when she helped the Easter Bunny to hand out baskets to the kids. I love your description of the Easter Bunny. *Heart* Nice image of a unicorn flying through the clouds. *Delight*

What might need work

You began with conflict, which is always a good thing, where Sasha was concerned about her field. However, you implied in this introduction that her grass had all been so badly trampled that there would be none left for her to eat. This established a problem in the flow of your poem which wasn't really addressed within the resolution. Did the grass magically reappear when the children found the eggs? Did the Easter Bunny reward her with a sack full of carrots? I just need something to show that the poor Pink Fluffy Unicorn didn't starve after this event. *Sad*

Conclusion

An interesting story that ends with kids getting pretty Easter eggs on Easter Day. *BigSmile*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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14
14
Review of UNICORN HUNT  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Monty!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest  (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

I'm pleased that the rabbit 'appears' to have found his unicorn by the end of the poem, even if all the other rabbits think he's cuckoo. *Laugh*

What might need work

Two uses of 'just' in the opening quatrain stood out to me. A little rewording would improve the sound of those lines, I feel.

Conclusion

A worthy entry. *Delight*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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15
15
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Dave!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

This description of a Sylvian scene kinda reminds me of the dressing-up scene of Disney's Cinderella, where woodland animals come to help Cinders dress in a ballgown. It's very vivid and easy to picture.

What might need work

I'm a bit confused about the nature of the event within the poem. In the opening, it's described as a glorification of the Easter holiday, but in the third stanza, it's described as a memorial. As you know, Easter is a celebration of rebirth—reincarntion—not death, so why is it a memorial? Also, I wasn't sure from the wording if all the characters in the poem were supposed to be 'real' in your world or Disney creations. I was further confused by the fact that Disney doesn't own Buggs Bunny. Maybe more consistency and showing of the exact nature of the characters would make things clearer.

Conclusion


Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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16
16
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Jesse Madison!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

Your poem is very vibrant and positive. I especially liked your use of the word 'crappiness'. Crappiness should get used more often in literature. *Wink*

What might need work

Wash away and haters and crappiness. -> did you mean, Wash away all haters and crappiness? Otherwise, it doesn't really make sense as a sentence.

Conclusion

I liked this upbeat poem Yeah. Let's wash away the haters. *Heart*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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17
17
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, J.L. O'Dell!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
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The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

When I began reading this, it so reminded me of the "99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" song. *Laugh* I love the upbeat rhythm of your pink and fluffy verses.

What might need work

I'm not sure that you need that final quatrain. The story told within your poem comes to a nice resolution, plua a full circle point, at the moment when the unicorns see the happy people from atop their rainbow. Although you leave us with a nice image of the unicorns gallivanting on the grass, perhaps it would be better to focus on the happiness within your resolution.

Conclusion

A sweet poem and worthy entry.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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18
18
Review of An Easter Tale  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Ray Scrivener!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest  (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

Your poem flows really well, and I love the image of a cotton candy unicorn that you create within your verses.

What might need work

Now’s not the time for wild stunts, / But joy and wondrous Easter hunts -> given that the bunny just got distracted for a while by a wild stunt, this resolution is a little strange. *Laugh*

Conclusion

This is a fabulous entry.

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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19
19
Review of The Unicorn  
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, OOT™!

I'm reviewing your poem as an official judge for "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest.

FORUM
The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest  (E)
The greatest writing challenge on WDC! PINK FLUFFY RESULTS NOW OUT!!! :)
#2113126 by Robert Edward Baker


What I liked

Great imagery surrounding the flight, and a very funny resolution when you tell the Easter Bunny.

What might need work

It could have been a little more Easter or spring themed. Like, the scenery they passed could have hinted at the season.

Conclusion

A wonderfully described vision of pink and fluffy things. *Heart*

Thank you for entering the contest!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A signature to use while running the Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest




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20
20
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hello Marcus!

*Books3* *Quill* This is a Newbies + Poetry Group Review *Quill* *Books3*


For the reviewing section of the Newbies + Poetry Group



What I liked

As a Yorkshireman, I emphathise with the sentiments of this poem. We're the people the GoT Northmen are based on, and our accent is like that of John Snow and Ned Stark.

I like the structure and ABAB rhyming scheme, though I don't get why you arrange them like couplets rather than quatrains. I love the GoT theme. The Night King is totally gonna win, though. *Pthb*

What might need work

You said, "I don't have any friends," in the newsfeed. I suggest that you join the Newbies + group and make some friends. One of the reasons for being a member of this site is the opportunity to network with other authors. Reach out and talk to some people! *Wink*

Notes

Every day is like December. -> in fantasy, authors create their own worlds and calendars. I don't think they have Roman calendar months in Westeros, my friend. *Laugh*

I ask you- look after son, alright? -> this line sounds kinda awkward, like you're ignoring grammar to suit the syllable count -> I beg thee to hold our dear son tight.... Maybe?

If I die from an enemy foe. -> enemy and foe are synonyms. Can you rephrase to add more? -> If I fall to an enemy's bow, maybe?

Remind him I fought with the embers. -> do you mean the Umbers?

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

I rather like your GOT fan fiction. *Heart*

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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21
21
In affiliation with Newbies + Poetry Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


Hello Pure Evil!

*Books3* *Quill* This is a Newbies + Poetry Group Review *Quill* *Books3*


For the reviewing section of the Newbies + Poetry Group



What I liked

With a few small variations, you skilfully employed the common measure (the meter used to write the popular hymn Amazing Grace and the 60s song Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream) to write your beautiful poem, using alternating lines of iambic tetrameter and trimeter and an ABCB rhyming scheme. Your word choices are exquisite and the mood tangible.

What might need work

There are several instances of inconsistency in metre, grammar, and punctuation. I'll just point some out here in hope of helping, though I understand that sometimes these may be your stylistic choices.

Which came from sorrows people face -> you begin this line with a capital letter though it's clearly an enjambement, i.e. a continuation of the same sentence. Maybe you simply intended to begin every line of tetrameter with a capital, as you appear to do, but I thought I'd point it out that a lower case letter might be better when it's a continuation of the same sentence.

to the path that leads nowhere -> this is the first case of deviation from the common measure. Here you use anapestic substitution for the first foot of iambic trimeter, i.e. this line scans as: ssS / sS/ sS, where s is an unstressed syllable and S a stressed one. Since your rhythm is so consistent up until this point, I presume that the deviation is deliberate, though I don't get why you chose to do it.

Where the sobs are only memories -> second deviation, Ss / Ss / Ss / Sss - this is a really major deviation as its a line of trochaic rather than iambic meter.

To escape you must remember -> ssS/ sS/ sSs - this is also a major deviation because in prior opening lines you used iambic tetrameter, but this is iambic TRImeter with anapestic substitution in the opening foot and a feminine line ending.

From all the sorrow's people face -> sorrows (plural) not sorrow's, which is "sorrow is" contracted.

These are all not major issues and may well be deliberate on your part.



Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.

From the sound of this poem, I suspect that you're a very talented natural poet. It's a fabulous poem.

I do hope that you found this review useful.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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22
22
Review of The Trump Card  
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Xarthin!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

It's the President and he's entering a secure location. That's great. Also, the implicit threat from the President's attitude is well shown.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Both the President and Knight were well sketched in your story. I'd like to see more of a sympathetic side to Knight, though. Some actual reason why he holds the beliefs he does so that the reader can somewhat empathize with him. IT's difficult for a reader to get engaged in a story if they don't like or at least respect the protagonist.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The main conflict was great, but the resolution kinda tailed off toward the end. I felt that the story really ended with DT choosing the wall over this new project, but that stuff about Taiwan at the end was just superfluous, imho. It wasn't really plausible that Knight would work for the Chinese given his personal position.

To me, one big problem with this story was that Knight and his team had already built the machine at the core of this story. If they haven't already secured funding, how did they actually build the machine? I'm sure that the construction of this machine would be a huge chunk of the cost of the whole project.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I feel that you could do with slowing this down a little and giving us a bit more in the way of both setting details and deeper background character information on Knight.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The voice of the story was good, but there seemed to be quite a few typos and not enough variety in sentence construction for my taste.

Notes

access code on the pad out of a well honed istinct. -> instinct. Throughout this story, there are simply typos like this where a similar word is used rather than the appropriate word, like Americas instead of Americans.

We don’t have time for tone -> I don't understand what this means.

Knight hardened his lips in a smirk as the President strut into the lab. -> first, strutted, not strut. Second, it's generally better to put cause before effect in order to make the time sequence in a story linear. So, in this example: As the President strutted into the lab, Knight hardened his lips into a smirk. You use "as" quite a lot in other sentences. Try not to get too dependent on the "as he" type construction because it quickly becomes too repetitive.

Covfefe *Laugh*

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

I didn't feel like you gave us enough descriptions of this location. What did the machine look like? What did the base smell like? Were there weird machine noises all around? Flashing coloured lights?

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Personally, I liked the theme. HOWEVER, please remember that half Americans are Republicans rather than Democrats, and this story kinda implies that they're all racists and white supremacists. You're going to offend an awful lot of members of this site with your story. It implies things about Donald Trump that are quite extreme and not funny in the way it's presented. I mean, the story is humorous and includes comedy BUT the overall realist approach to the narrative makes it appear to be an actual accusation that DT agrees with the opinions and actions of an illegal terrorist organization, ie. the KKK. So, while I generally agree with your political position here, I can't help but feel that you're going to seriously offend a lot of people.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I feel that the characters are good and the core of the plot interesting enough to make this work. However, I'm not sure that you can make the comedy of the piece enough to overcome the potentially offensive nature of the portrayal of DT.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*



This was a review from "The Novel Workshop

Novel Workshop Logo by Kiyasama


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Supersonic-Bramble Scramble!!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One


Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.


When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?

*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Your first sentence involves blood, and opening paragraph the conclusion of a fight. It successfully introduces the protagonist. This both introduces conflict and a hook, which is great.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Rydia and Lydria are sympathetic characters because they're being chased down by overwhelming opponents. However, later in the chapter, there are hints that their motivations may not be pure, that they seek revenge and that Lydria may actually be some kind of monster linked to a prophecy that dooms the world. This leads to conflicting feelings about these two girls for me as a reader. I'd like to like them and cheer them on, but I'm not sure if I'm backing the right horse. It's like I'm a German teenager in 1939, cheering for the Nazi party and military parades but unaware of the concentration camps being built and ignorant of the impact of my government on ethnic and religious minorities. Are they the "good guys" or what. *Laugh*

We don't get any feeling for what kind of person the viewpoint character is other than she's caring for her sister. Does she like music, for example, or dance? That might seem kinda out of context for a chapter with fights and running away across a forest, but think about it. Often in scenes like this, the main character will think about things while they're running. For example, to occupy their mind while running they'll hum a bawdy tavern song they heard from one of their guards before he got killed. Or, while watching over her unconscious sister, she'll remember their birthday last month before the s*** hit the fan, when they celebrated with a huge ball, and she'll recall her sister wearing that flowing white dress and dancing with a handsome prince beneath a glittering crystal chandelier. Such thoughts allow us a glimpse into an area of the protagonist's life that is beyond the plot and so makes them more rounded as characters.

Masked girl is a bit more straightforward. She seems pretty happy to be backing the Dark Lord.

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

There's good hook action to begin with, and tension, and an interesting hook ending. It's all good.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

I feel it's a little too fast paced. You might like to bring in more setting detail and characterization rather than rushing through from dispatching the enemy to being confronted by Mask Girl.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

At the moment, I feel that this is your biggest weakness. Your prose is a little too verbose and would benefit from tightening. You need to avoid using the same constructions too often, like the "as she" construction which gets used twice or three times in several paragraphs. Watch out for filter words and filler words. Try to make sentences more succinct, especially in dialogue where people naturally use more clipped sentences.

Your narrative can have a subconsicous effect on your reader. If you vary your vocabulary, use stronger verbs, vary sentence length and construction, they will somehow ffind reading your story more pleasurable and get the feeling that it's a more exciting aand fast paced story to read.

Notes

Warm blood ran down Rydia Velthwithe’s cheek as she wiped the trickle off her face, a cool torrent of rain drenching the earth as her hazel eyes stared down at her fallen opponent -> in your opening sentence, you have two uses of "as". Also, you use the "as She" construction again in the second paragraph. The opening two clauses contradict one another because blood cannot be trickling down her cheek if she's wiping it off. The second use of "down" is redundant. A shorter opening sentence might have more impact. For example:
Warm blood trickled down Rydis Velthwithe's cheek which contrasted sharply with the cool torrent of rain drenching the earth. Her hazel eyes examined her fallen opponent. Actually, I'd prefer She glared at her fallen opponent. I'm not entirely comfortable with the viewpoint character seeing their own eye color.

as she watched him take her last breaths. She sighed softly as she shook the blood off the blade. -> two more "as she" here, and we're still in the opening paragraph. "his last breath" not "her last breaths". You use "sighed softly" here, "soft sigh" a sentence above, and "soft skin". Try to vary vocabulary and avoid too much repetition.

"Looks like he's the last of them. To think that they would pursue us even a week later." She kept speaking -> identify the speaker as soon as possible. So, here: "Looks like he's the last of them," she said. "To think they would pursue us even a week later."

"You ok Lydria?" Rydia asked as she walked toward her twin sister. -> "You okay, Lydria?" Rydia approached her twin sister. -> when addressing somebody in speech, use a comma to separate their name from what is said to them. "Are you sexy, Bob?" "Sue, be serious. Have you seen how fat I am?" -> if you have an action in your speech tag, you don't always need another verb to describe the act of speaking, so here, no need for "asked" Also, another "as she"! You're obsessed with this construction.

She kneeled on the ground and examined her sister's body. -> She knelt and examined her sister. -> when I first read this sentence, I thought that there was a third sister who died in the ambush and she was examining the corpse.

Rydia watched her sister lower her head. -> by this stage, it's clear that we're in Rydia's viewpoint. There's no need to remind the reader of that with filter verbs like "watched". Whenever you describe something, we'll always assume it's Rydia feeling, hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, unless told otherwise -> Rydia's sister lowered her head -> this gives the same information without filtering.

“Lady Rydia, hand over the Dark Princess or prepare for death.” ->: if she's a queen, why "Lady" rather than "Queen Rydia"?

You are the Queen of Transa, and the one who will someday us to power. -> missing word. lead?

Rydia raised her knife as she saw the woman jump to the ground.. -> two periods -> up until this point, it was a "figure" and now it's a woman. What makes her think it's a woman? And whatever made her think this, wasn't it obvious from the first moment she spoke to Rydia? Maybe have her hear a feminine voice in the opening dialogue.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Your setting is rather minimal for a fantasy story. You have some interesting cultural setting but very little physical setting. In the second paragraph, one tree is mentioned and closeness to a border, and that's all the reader has to go on to construct an image of where these actions are taking place. About halfway through the chapter, it's first mentioned that we're in a forest. Really, that should have been well established in your opening paragraphs.

They're constantly fighting people. Why are they using daggers? I know swords and axes are heavier to run with and more cumbersome, but with only a knife to defend herself, any swordsman or woman could defeat her without getting close enough to suffer one cut.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

It's fairly standard fantasy fare. Interestingly, all the main characters are female warriors. To be honest, that's becoming a bit trope these days. Most new fantasy or sci-fi series seem to have strong, young female protagonists who are proficient at the martial arts and often have some magical ability, eg. Katniss, Bella, Beatrice Prior, Temple, Vin etc.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I feel that you have a strong plot here, but you need to develop the setting a lot and the characters a bit. As I noted above, your prose needs the most work, imho. Take a look at how your favorite fantasy authors use a variety of sentence lengths and structures to make their narrative more interesting to read.

Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


IMAGE FOR ONLY CHAPTER ONE 1


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
for entry "The Lawyer
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, IceSkating SugarCube

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One


Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.


When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?

*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Beginning with children's song lyrics that have a possible dark meaning was a nice touch. It reminds me of the opening of some crime thrillers that James Patterson or similar authors wrote. You also introduce Miranda and her initial settings really well and with action. However, there wasn't much of a hook in the opening paragraph. The opening hook is that there's somebody on the phone and she might wonder who it is. If show more of her internal thoughts and have her think along the lines of nobody ever calls her at three o'clock in the afternoon, who could it possibly be, then you'll create more of a hook from this. To be honest, as somebody who has worked in many shops over the years, I found the idea that she would answer the phone in the middle of a customer transaction rather implausible. When I'm working on a till, I find it really, really annoying when a customer halts to answer their cell, especially if there's a queue behind them and they're supposed to be paying, so I would NEVER answer my phone in front of a customer in that situation unless I was actually expecting a really, really important call, like from the hospital about the condition of one of my relatives who's had an accident, that kind of stuff. She might, however, sneak away from some stocking up job, hanging out or folding clothes, to answer the phone and then get caught by the boss. That's much more plausible.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Miranda is a very sympathetic character and introduced very smoothly. I like that she's just shy of a crazy "old" cat lady but kept from that by the existence of a friend, Tammy, and her genial relationship with her ex-husband. She's extremely well rounded, with clear, relatable interests outside of the plot, such as soap making and cats. She's an underdog character in terms of social status and work relationships. The loss of her baby is good character development.

It would be better if you showed what Shantel looks like in contrast to Miranda rather than later stating that it's a young person's shop. As it is, there's no indication of what Shantel looks like, though her annoyance is shown really well.

Jack has a distinct voice and is quite likable. Jamison is also a nicely sympathetic character.

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Miranda's struggle with her environment is shown well enough and provides the initial drive for the story. However, I felt you could have perhaps hinted a little more at why Miranda doesn't have the skills or qualifications for a better job when she's clearly an intelligent and capable person. Something that particularly bothered me was Miranda's lack of curiosity regarding the lawyer after the initial call. I mean, why is her dead aunt's lawyer calling? The implications are obvious, and I would expect her to show more curiosity and eagerness to find out as soon as possible rather than pushing it to the back of her mind as soon as the call is over. She doesn't even give it a thought until later.

The inheritance makes for a nice end hook, though it is pretty predictable.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your natural pacing is good.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Overall, the chapter read really smoothly. I get the feeling you've edited this a few times through. It has just the right mix of dialogue and actions and is a pleasure to read.

Notes

“All scarves are thirty dollars,” I pointed to -> a little note about commas and periods. If the verb in the tag relates to how the speech is spoken, like whisper/shout/hissed/said/mouthed etc, then a comma is used. If the verb in the tag is an action separate to the speech, then it is a different sentence and so a period is used. Why, I don't know. I only "work" here. *Laugh* So, in this example, it would be "thirty dollars." with a period, not a comma.

I thought you would have heard by now. Millie died two months ago.” -> might he use gentler language here? Millie passed two months ago, or something like that

I wasn’t surprised. In fact, it had been so long since I’d even heard her name that I assumed she was already dead. -> This threw me out of the story a bit. If she'd assumed she was dead, why did she wonder how she was doing in the previous paragraph, and if she wasn't surprised, why did she sound surprised when she realized that the lawyer had used the past tense to talk about her aunt?

Look, it’s not just the phone call. You’ve been here a while, and I hoped you’d be a good fit here, but that just doesn’t seem to be the case.” -> try not to overuse "just". Sometimes it's used as a stall word, filler word, that doesn't add much to meaning. The first use here is essential for comprehension, but the second isn't


Though I wasn’t poor, I desperately -> yes, it wasn't a very good simile. *Laugh* What I'm concerned about, though, is the 'I'm not poor' thing here. You've shown her in a minimum wage job. You've shown her in an old car. You've shown her in a crappy sounding apartment. You've used a dodgy simile to describe how eager she is for her payslip. So how can you claim she isn't poor? It sounds contradictory. If she said, "Though I wasn't broke" or "Though I wasn't destitute", then it might work.

rolled my eyes. “The usual. Everyone hates me -> at this point, I'd expect some internal thought about why she isn't telling him she just got fired.

Such an informal greeting could only mean that this was his cell phone -> watch out for "that" because it's a filler word. Try removing "that" from sentences and then reading them aloud to see if they still make sense. If they do, delete it.

We typically like to wait to announce an inheritance -> But Millie passed two months ago. If it's so straightforward and Miranda is the only living relative, why did it take two months to make contact and why hasn't the lawyer already done all the things before contacting her?

Apparently, you’re pretty much the only one left. -> he's a lawyer and, informal chat or not, when dealing with a serious matter like this, I think he'd be more exact in his phrasing. More like, you're the only one left, or, we believe you're the only one left, or, inquiries show that you're the only one left.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

The settings are pretty bare-boned but sufficient to ground readers in the scenes. You might immerse them better with a bit of sensory information, such as how the clothes she's folding feel, perhaps Shantel is wearing a particular perfume like kids do (Britney Spears, candy shop type smell, rather than the musky smells of older scents), feeling the cold when she steps outside rather than mentioning it in the car. I mean, she carries her coat (she grabs it, but there's no suggestion she put it on), but then she waits for the heater in the car. That makes her sound kinda dumb. *Laugh* If she shrugged into her coat and then holds it closed as she rushes to her car to get out of the cold, then you'd have stronger settings. The grey clouds bit was good, as was the lavender in the kitchen.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

So far there's nothing blowing my socks off, though it's always nice to see a "middle-aged" protagonist rather than the really young, strong, female protagonist we seem to get in so many stories these days. The struggle of an older person in a teen culture dominated world is a theme all of its own.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Generally, it's a good start to your story. I feel that you need to bring in more of a hook earlier and have Miranda more curious about the phone call, but other than that it's all good.

Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


IMAGE FOR ONLY CHAPTER ONE 1


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello John Yossarian!

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I was drawn in by the title. It's very eye catching, and everyone knows I'm a *Unicorn* and *RainbowL* kinda guy! *Laugh*

However, the opening paragraph doesn't really hook. It's kinda a "business as usual" opening rather than the "something exciting has happened" that begins to emerge in the following paragraphs. Maybe start with the unusual congregation of law enforcement vehicles and add an ambulance and a mortuary van in the first few sentences to make the action clear and interesting.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The protagonist certainly an interesting and sympathetic character. I like his professionalism, too.

At first, I thought the protagonist was young until his children were mentioned. It might be nice if you can hint at his age and level of experience before the story starts, maybe by mentioning how many years he's patrolled this area or somethings along those lines.

I'd personally like to see a lot more internal feeling from the protagonist. For example, as the granny arrives I'd like to see that feeling of relief replaced by dread as he realises what kind of person she is and irrational thoughts of adopting her and taking her away from all this swiftly replaced by rationality and the knowledge that he can't help everyone.

The little girl is cute. Maybe have a bit more of a conversation, with them exchanging names and asking him when she can see her mommy, to increase the tear potential. *Wink* Also, a stain on her pjs and a sour smell might go down well to show neglect.

The sergeant has a great presence, but Smith could do with a bit more work.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Love the plot.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Except for the first few paragraphs that spend too long setting the scene before conflict is introduced, this is an exciting read.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Generally excellent.

RAINBOW-> RAINBOWS in the title

as I pulled off Harvard Avenue and headed east I recognized immediately the -> I immediately recognized

It wasn’t a bad one. -> no need to TELL this because you're about to show it.

Baker one-oh-four, show me 10-97 at the scene.” -> you use ten-four in the next dialogue. Be consistent. Either use numerals or written out words throughout. Given the "Baker", I'd go for writing them out.

wondered why Sgt. White had requested another set of hands as I strolled past the half dozen units -> As I passed the half-dozen units, I wondered

remembered the initial excitement over the radio when the first officers arrived. -> why not SHOW this in the opening paragraph to your story, the excitement drawing in the reader as your opening hook.

Chic went down like a sack of potatoes.” -> chick

You know where the sarge is?” I said. -> in this context, it looks like he's asking the prisoner this question because he was the last described.

And don’t forget to check grannies ID and have her sign off.” -> to check Granny's ID

I’d asked Darin for the name of the cop in the kitchen and Smith filled me in on the family details. -> you SHOW that his name is Smith in the conversation with the sergeant, but I've no idea who Darin is. *Confused* The conversation between Jake and Smith is TOLD here, but it could just as quickly be shown by sticking those sentences into speech marks, and that would help to better show Smith's personally, too.

“It's Adult Swim. Mommy lets me watch it all the time.” -> title in italics. Same with Golden Girls later.

daddy wept, “I just wanna give her a kiss.” -> Daddy, not daddy

Don’t you think you’ve done enough?” Smith said, and dragged him out the door. -> you don't need the comma, and you don't really need the "said and". If you check through your dialogue, I don't think you need most of the tags.

disappeared outside returning moments later with a wallet clutched in her hands. -> it's a bit weird that she'd leave her wallet outside.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

You did this really well, especially the smell of poverty stuff.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Really good theme.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

This is a truly moving story. Please try to show more of the protagonist's feelings as he sees the poor dead woman and in the end when the kid is dragged away.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*



This was a review from "The Novel Workshop

Novel Workshop Logo by Kiyasama


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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