When I review an item, the criticism offered aims to address the main problems I personally feel the writer has at the moment. So, if I critique a story that is full of typos, lacks a clear plot and a sympathetic character, I'll tend to ignore the typos and focus on how the writer can craft a better plot and protagonist, while if the story is near perfect yet full of typos, I'll focus on the typos.
I don't enjoy reviewing poetry. This isn't because I don't enjoy poetry, but because poetry is a very personal statement of feelings, and it's difficult to comment on such without upsetting the author.
I'm good at...
Critiquing opening chapters and offering advice on hook, character development, plot development and initial setting.
In real life, I love to read novels, so I particularly enjoy reviewing opening chapters.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, speculative and historical fiction — I especially love time travel and YA fantasy/sci-fi
What a great anecdote. I remember my friend Gary roping me into stealing matches from my elderly neighbor so we could set fire to the coal bunker at the bottom of his garden when we were about six. In hindsight, I suspect it was a converted Anderson shelter. A lot of coal bunkers in the South Yorkshire coalfields were at the bottom of the garden to allow distance in the case of a fire.
I really enjoyed your story. It's just the kind of thing my friends and I used to get up to. My uncle Ian was in Ireland during the troubles, so I had lots of bullets around the house I'd cadged from him along with a gas mask and other surplus gear. Sadly, all lost now in the mists of time and many house moves.
A few thoughts:
When you're writing this kind of story, it's a good idea to keep the "voice" within the vocabulary and experience of the viewpoint character at the time the story occurred. Generally, you did this well. However, you used a derivative of melancholy at one point, and that's not a word I would have even understood until I was in my twenties.
Similarly, you allow adult reflections to creep in, such as when you're talking about the moving of the coal bunker. Moving a coal bunker etc is not only something a kid wouldn't think about but it's also irrelevant to the story and slows down the action. When you introduce adult reflections on the past, you're effectively reminding the reader that the story is not here and now and distancing them from the story. If you want the story to be more engaging, you need to remain in the moment.
That's just an opinion, though. Quite a lot of talented writers, like Spike Milligan, have continually broken this "rule" without any problem. So, just my opinion.
The sentence: "I don't think Cliff's dad ever realised he'd lost a bullet, I think that he'd already lost his marbles by then." needs to be two sentences for better impact, imho.
Sorry it took me so long to get around to this. I've been lazy about reviews.
I was pleased that you explained the use of the semicolon in easy terms and with examples. I know that a lot of people struggle with semicolons. I recall a Sherlock Holmes story in which a badly-written letter by an uneducated person was uncovered as a fake because the author correctly used a semicolon which Holmes concluded meant it was written by an educated person pretending not to be capable of grammatically correct composition.
I used to use semicolons a lot until I was told to leave them out by so many reviewers. There seem to be lots of anti-semicolon Nazis around these days. The idea they spout is that readers don't understand semicolons and so are put off by them. To be honest, I think it's true that many people don't comprehend the difference between a semicolon and a comma.
The most imaginative use I ever saw for a semicolon was in the novel Maps For Lost Lovers by Nadeem Aslam. In one paragraph, he wants to describe the protagonist's wife's bracelet and uses the analogy that it looks like a series of semicolons thus: ;;;;;;;;;; I don't personally recommend the book, though it did receive widespread literary acclaim. Literary simply isn't my preferred genre.
The only issue I had with your article was the example from MLKJ. The font you used was smaller than the rest of the article. Given that it's a relatively difficult sentence/paragraph to read, the small font size isn't helpful at that stage of your argument. In fact, I suspect it leads many readers to skip the ending, which is a shame since it's such a great sentence!
Note that according to Merriam-Webster, 'keyword' is usually written as a compound noun and not two separate words.
Your section on sentence length was good as far as it went. However, although it mentioned long sentences for description and short sentences for reflection, it failed to cover the use of mixed sentence lengths within a paragraph to prevent boredom. Your paragraph actually implies that you should only use short and long sentences for the stated purposes. If you use all the same length sentences in multiple paragraphs, even if it's all short sentences in action scenes, the narrative lacks variety and becomes less engaging. A mixture of sentence lengths within most paragraphs is required for maximum immersion.
Anyway, sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Your article is simply great as it is.
I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate header.
Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
You begin with a problem and immediately identify the characters. That provides a nice hook.
Characters — are they well rounded?
Although I liked that Hermoine's love of house-elves is mentioned and she is generally shown to be a nice person, her taking advice from Jeeves seems kinda out of character. She's always the truly bright one who comes up with the best ideas. It's Harry and Ron, especially Ron, who have bad ideas. Have you thought about making Ron the mc and Hermoine on holiday with her muggle family?
You rely on readers being familiar with Jeeves' and Hermoine's appearances rather than sketching them within your story. You can get away with that with Hermoine, but I think there will be a lot of people these days unsure who Jeeves is.
Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
I wasn't entirely convinced by their non-magical solution. Also, if Jeeves lives at Hogwarts, how is he so familiar with the latest muggle technology? Your final resolution was funny. I liked that. However, the main resolution, the solution to the main conflict, came not from the protagonists but from an outside source, so it was a little Deus ex machina. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deus_ex_machina
Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
The pacing is good.
Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
Your narrative is clear and I can see what's happening at all times. You might like to make the language more active at times. Note the specific suggestions below.
Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
Yes, they sounded like the appropriate characters. Well done!
Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
You did set out the first scene very well. However, consider adding a bit more sensory information to the story, such as the smell of the drink or the leather and wood polish smell of the library etc.
Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
I like that the house-elves play an important part in the story.
Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.
Miss, you seem to be perturbed about something." -> cut "to be"
Jeeves put Hermione's goblet of pumpkin juice on the desk in front of her, having first moved aside the huge tome propped against the candle-stand there. -> cause before effect -> Jeeves moved aside a huge tome then set down a goblet of pumpkin juice next to the candelabra.
the way the sit on cake and rub their little legs -> they sit on cakes and
I tried to tell him they're pests and don't need to be care for. -> cared for or taken care of
"I have." / "Well, they're little creatures that can be operated by something called a remote control. -> Hermoine needs to tell Jeeves this, not Jeeves Hermoine, because she said she does know, so him repeating the information is the writer addressing the reader, while if she said it, it would be Hermoine addressing Jeeves.
accepted it at the gate and Hermione wiped the memory of the delivery-girl. -> at the gate, and Hermione wiped the delivery girl's memory.
Chaos reigned almost as badly as it had when Fred and George had let off their famous fireworks upon
He seems to have got a nice lot of plants for his lessons, -> He has found/procured a nice selection of plants for his lessons
Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
I think this starts well and the plot is good. The mosquito ending is great. I'm a bit concerned about Hermoine acting out of her usual character. The narrative needs a bit of tlc, imho.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.
I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.
Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
Awesome opening. I'd love to see an octagenarian 007! And you captured his character and humor very well, introducing the mc and hooking the reader.
Characters — are they well rounded?
Very good Bond character. I wasn't convinced about the nurses becoming ninjas without any other dedicated security. Don't get me wrong. I love the BBC TV show Our Girl about a military medic, so I can easily see that happening. However, I feel that in a location like this they would also have dedicated security staff that would outrank medical staff in an emergency situation.
Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
The plot is great…so far. However, you have so much more potential here. He hasn't even used his armchair weapons yet!!! Have you ever seen Hot Fuzz? The guy in the weaponized wheelchair really holds his own in the high street shootout.
I feel you should have a few more guards, dedicated ones, who come into the room to help James. They should attempt to relocate him to a panic room. All the defenders except the nurse should get killed, and then James saves her life by pulling her onto his chair, pressing a button, and the chair shoots through the roof on rockets like the ejector chair on his Aston Martin…just sayin'! Then, at the end, you could make it ironic by having him kiss the nurse, as you have, and then die from a heart attack with a smile on his face…that way you can keep your great ending.
You need a few "try-fails", eg. guards come into help him, but they get shot down by terrorists. they try to move James to a panic room, but an explosion damages the doors so they won't open or something. He gets to the roof for a helicopter escape, but the helicopter is taken out with an RPG. You get the idea.
Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
Pacing, at the moment, is a bit fast. That's because you haven't got any "try-fail" cycles in. you only have a "prepare-fail" and then it ends.
Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
It's generally clear. I have a few suggestions below.
Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
The military talk doesn't work for me. Maybe do a bit more research there. Isn't roger only used on the radio?
Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
A few good things. You need a panic room and some sensory information, such as hospital smells to begin with and cordite later on etc.
Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
An aged James Bond is an awesome idea. Very original and funny.
Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.
This needs to be much, much longer. You still have plenty of word count to use up before you meet the contest limit.
Specific points ->
"It's time for bed Mr. Bond." -> when speaking to someone, place a comma between what you say and their name, it's time for bed, Bob. You might also want to make the phrase more suggestive. A nurse might say, Shall we head for bed, now, James? When in longterm care, it's common for staff to become on a first-name basis with patients. And use of the royal "we" when persuading someone to do something is also common.
The curvy blonde in the figure hugging uniform -> a figure-hugging -> a hyphen is required, and you should use the indefinite pronoun "a" unless it's a very specific uniform or one we've seen before.
No time for that. The shutters were down. A hologram was talking to him. -> The armor-plated shutters rolled down. A hologram appeared and addressed him. -> more active.
"Your orders Commander?" -> comma before Commander. Also, as he's retired, there should be an actual commanding officer or senior non-commissioned officer here.
"Are all the patients guarded?" / "Roger." -> Are there no panic rooms here? I mean, if they have so much security with flack jackets and automatic weapons, it seems silly not to have a panic room that is much easier and more reliable to use until help requires. The use of "roger" becomes a bit repetitive. Check with someone who has worked with the Royal Navy, but I would think that a single "aye-aye, sir" followed by "yes, sir" after would suffice.
Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
Your story has an awesome premise and great mc. However, it's currently too short and the plot too linear. You need to develop it a lot more. If you throw in a few try-fail cycles and a more satisfying resolution, this could well be the contest winner, imho.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.
I've come crawling back. Couldn't resist it anymore. I hope this review finds you well and enjoying your quarantine.
Structure
Generally, the AABB structure works well. The theme flows well within the structure and comes to a good conclusion at the end. The repetitions work well within the structure.
I'm not convinced that "moms" rhymes with "alms". I'm not sure why "soldiers, dads, and moms" are capitalized, though I suspect you did this for emphasis concerning the past important positions these unfortunates once held. "Passersby" not "passerby's". " how can we reject/to acknowledge their pain" - this enjambment doesn't make grammatical sense. Perhaps, "reject/acknowledgment of their pain".
Content
As you may remember, this is the kind of theme that appeals to me, so obviously this poem meets with my wholehearted approval. I love the tumbleweed metaphor. The final suggestion, that we should show compassion to the tumbleweeds, is a great one, though I feel you could have delivered it with more strength given your level of talent.
I liked how you visibly set the brown "chocolate eggs" in a sea of green grass when speaking of hiding them for the children to hunt. The unicorn horn ingredient was original, and I'm delighted that it was painless for baby unicorns. I loved how the meaning is forgotten and only the eggs remembered.
What might need work
He sets them free / To live as foal. -> them is plural, so foals, not foal.
Conclusion
You've gotta love bunny chocolatiers! Great poem.
Thank you for entering the contest!
Best wishes,
Bob
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This is a truly unique and wonderful poem. I love it! I especially love the hot pink hoof polish she doesn't want to chip. There's also the beautiful emotions of a mother trying to do something really special for her child. Fabulous!
What might need work
You didn't really place any evidence that the mommy in this poem is a unicorn rather than a normal horse. I know fro the poem's description it is, and the hot pink polish also hints at it, but maybe you should have mentioned her horn at some point, or her foal's.
The foal is inquisitive ❓❓❓-> at this point in your poem, you're using the viewpoint of Mommy Unicorn, so "My foal is inquisitive" or maybe better, "My filly is inquisitive", to apply gender.
Maybe she will read my words -> at this point in your poem, you swap viewpoint from unicorn mommy to yourself. Why? It works better, imho, if the viewpoint remains that of Mommy Unicorn throughout.
Conclusion
What a wonderfully hot pink and fluffy poem!
Thank you for entering the contest!
Best wishes,
Bob
CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
The story told within your poem was original and interesting with a strong ending. I liked your use of colors to mirror the animals' progress, where their life begins all grey and turns black, but then changes to vibrant colors when they escape and the magic rolls in.
What might need work
The lines read more like prose than free verse. Think about the tools used in poetry, such as assonance, alliteration, repetition, and succinct lines with powerful end words etc.
Conclusion
A worthy entry into the contest.
Thank you for entering!
Best wishes,
Bob
CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
What a wonderfully original take on the prompt! I love your use of the bunny as a muse and the rabbit hole for the descent into plotting madness where weird and wonderful ideas kidnap the story and lead it in implausible and ridiculous directions. Steampunk unicorns? What a great idea!
twists and turns, up, / down, all around, lost / silver horns and copper cogs - love the alliteration, internal rhyme, and assonance.
I laughed at the seventy-two pages lapse.
What might need work
Nothing. This is fantastic!
Conclusion
A truly marvellous poem.
Thank you for entering the contest!
Best wishes,
Bob
CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
I liked that you created a place where unicorns are born during the Easter period and bunnies go to visit them.
What might need work
Although I liked how you brought the bunnies and unicorns together, you don't really provide a motive. Why do the bunnies go to see the unicorns? Apart from seeing them, what do they do in this magical land? Why are unicorns born at Easter? I suppose it's good that your poem raised so many questions in my head, but I would have liked some answers within the lines of your poem.
Conclusion
A thought-provoking poem.
Thank you for entering the contest!
Best wishes,
Bob
CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
You address two serious and linked issues: freedom and belief; the conviction we hold that we possess freedom. You make interesting use of the rabbit to contrast its relative freedom, unconstrained by laws and social mores, to human notions of freedom. You further point out that our conviction is simply a belief rooted in our ethnocentric and anthropocentric belief system.
What might need work
To me, this reads more like "free verse" than structured.
running endlessly from monsters with shining bodies and stinking belches -> this sounds like a very specific foe, but I couldn't work out what it was. Foxes are the first that come to mind, though eagles and wolves are partial to rabbit pie, too. But the stinking belches confused me as I don't really associate it with these creatures. However, the juxtaposition of "shining bodies" and "stinking belches" does sound quite poetic.
I was rather confused by the line - "Belief is nonexistent for those who would ignore truth". I would have thought that those who ignored the truth found it easier to believe in mythical creatures.
Conclusion
You have an interesting premise here but could perhaps have been a little clearer. Having said that, some of the deepest poems rely on ambiguous verses.
Thank you for entering the contest!
Best wishes,
Bob
CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
This is short and sweet. I love how you show rather than tell that the unicorn and bunny are soft toys rather than real creatures through the plastic grass. Your poem captures the magic of childhood and those wonderful Easter Egg hunts. I liked the way you used a combination of assonance and alliteration in lines like "For plastic is the grass, and wicker the walls" where you associate 'plastic and grass' through assonance and 'wicker and walls' through alliteration. I also like the association of lucky and seven.
What might need work
In the line "A small hand tosses pastel eggs in the grass", I didn't get why the small hand was doing that. I assume that the small hand means this is a child, but wouldn't the child be searching for eggs rather than hiding them?
Conclusion
This is a really cute poem about children at Easter.
Thank you for entering the contest!
Best wishes,
Bob
CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
The story in your poem was humorous and flowed well. You made good use of the structure, and I liked your occasional use of internal rhymes to supplement the end rhymes, eg. wheeze/breeze.
What might need work
A couple of small typos:
She touch his head with her golden horn -> touched
"This is your Easter guise until you learn practical jokes aren't t wise." -> aren't wise.
Conclusion
I hope that Peter Cottontail learned his lesson in the end!
Thank you for entering the contest!
Best wishes,
Bob
CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
A fantastic inspirational poem about being the best you that you can. Fantastic structure, with internal and end rhymes throughout. Wonderful flow and word choices.
What might need work
That final couplet is a bit naughty!
Conclusion
What a wonderfully pink and fluffy poem.
Thank you for entering the contest!
Best wishes,
Bob
CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
This description of a Sylvian scene kinda reminds me of the dressing-up scene of Disney's Cinderella, where woodland animals come to help Cinders dress in a ballgown. It's very vivid and easy to picture.
What might need work
I'm a bit confused about the nature of the event within the poem. In the opening, it's described as a glorification of the Easter holiday, but in the third stanza, it's described as a memorial. As you know, Easter is a celebration of rebirth—reincarntion—not death, so why is it a memorial? Also, I wasn't sure from the wording if all the characters in the poem were supposed to be 'real' in your world or Disney creations. I was further confused by the fact that Disney doesn't own Buggs Bunny. Maybe more consistency and showing of the exact nature of the characters would make things clearer.
Conclusion
Thank you for entering the contest!
Best wishes,
Bob
CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
As a Yorkshireman, I emphathise with the sentiments of this poem. We're the people the GoT Northmen are based on, and our accent is like that of John Snow and Ned Stark.
I like the structure and ABAB rhyming scheme, though I don't get why you arrange them like couplets rather than quatrains. I love the GoT theme. The Night King is totally gonna win, though.
What might need work
You said, "I don't have any friends," in the newsfeed. I suggest that you join the Newbies + group and make some friends. One of the reasons for being a member of this site is the opportunity to network with other authors. Reach out and talk to some people!
Notes
Every day is like December. -> in fantasy, authors create their own worlds and calendars. I don't think they have Roman calendar months in Westeros, my friend.
I ask you- look after son, alright? -> this line sounds kinda awkward, like you're ignoring grammar to suit the syllable count -> I beg thee to hold our dear son tight.... Maybe?
If I die from an enemy foe. -> enemy and foe are synonyms. Can you rephrase to add more? -> If I fall to an enemy's bow, maybe?
Remind him I fought with the embers. -> do you mean the Umbers?
Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.
Strong theme with lots of Christmassy references, plus the cozy image of a domestic haven at home during a time of peace and goodwill.
What might need work
A few minor issues within the poem, but most of them are perhaps style issues:-
Have you ever heard of a Christmas Carol Song... -> consider a question mark, either here or later, because this is a question.
With Christmas cheer as they sing Christmas Carols.... -> they? Who is singing? Previously, 'jingling bells' were ringing, so here it appears that the bells are singing carols
While your inside baking Christmas Cookies...to your favorite Christmas jam.... -> you're, and only three dots in an ellipsis. To create an ellipsis on a standard keyboard, hold down the 'Alt' button and then press '0133' in sequence on the numerical pad, then release the 'Alt' button to give …
And Your favorite Christmas movie on lifetime channel.... -> the Lifetime Channel
Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.
I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.
When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.
Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
Your opening paragraphs do set the scene and introduce the main protagonist. However, there's no conflict introduced or question asked. There's nothing to really hook the reader. Yes, it's snowing, and that's great. But why should that hook your reader?
Characters — are they well rounded?
I love everything about Ruby and Joe except for these two issues that threw me:
1) this may just be a British thing, but Ruby and Joe sound like great names for 60-70-year-olds. Maybe in the US young people have those names, but they sound more like the twins' grandparents' names to me.
2) I can't quite put my finger on why, but Ruby and Joe also acted like 60-70-year-olds to me. If they had kids young enough to take afternoon naps and make snow angels and play on swing sets only six months ago, they should be somewhere between 25 and 35 years old, so their activities and interests should make them sound like that age group, not older folks. Ruby should be posting her snow pics on Instagram and Facebook, maybe sending out a snow day tweet on Twitter, then checking out recipes for the kids on YouTube or something.
Otherwise, they were clearly sympathetic characters and very well rounded.
Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
The main conflict became clear to me as soon as we came across the kids' stored away clothes. However, it's not really introduced in a dramatic way, or a way that implies any kind of conflict. Have you considered having Ruby not find the kids and then go into a panic thinking that they may have been kidnapped, phoning the police, going out into the woods to search, printing out flyers and sticking them onto lamp posts and tree trunks?
Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
Because the story starts slowly with no apparent conflict or questions raised, and the conflict comes very late, so the whole story feels a little slow to me.
Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
Generally very clear and well written narrative.
Notes
He wanted fed. -> he wanted feeding.
Over-easy, and not too done. -> not too well done?
She grinned with a shy insouciance. -> I see you snuck in the prompt word here. It stands out a mile because your writing style is Orwellian, and this word isn't.
Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
The characters sound kinda old for a couple with tiny kids. They don't use any modern slang terms or talk about anything that might concern young parents beyond basic conccern for their kids.
Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
Settings are very clear, and there's great sensory information in the opening bedroom scene and in the kitchen during breakfast. However, there's a lack of any of the items you'd find in the typical 30-year-old's life, such as a tablet, cell phone, or laptop to connect to Facebook etc. These days, I rarely see a 30-year-old that isn't glued to a cell phone and sending out a Tweet.
Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
I love the overall premise of this and the link with mental health issues.
Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
The premise of this story is great, and I can see a lot of potential in this theme. However, as it is, it's not really as exciting as one of your opening chapters I've read. It lacks a hook or any sense of drive or conflict until it's too late. If you can bring in more conflict, such as by having Ruby panic when she can't find the kids and start doing crazy things, like phoning the police and screaming at them when they refuse to come out and search for her kids. Also, look into their names and speech and behavior to see if you can't make them feel younger, like child bearing age people.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.
I like the premise of your poem, that the apple? tree is there to be plundered. Some of the imagery is great, such as the diamond dew and the ruby apples. It's simple and easy to visualise.
What might need work
I think that the fruit is apples, but the mention of spikes in the forth stanza threw me a little. I can't think of a tree that grows tall enough to reach an upstairs window that has thorns, and I'm not familiar with an apple tree that does.
In the fourth stanza, you mention your bedroom window. There's an implication that the apples are taken through the window, otherwise why mention that it's your bedroom window? It might be better to link the other elements of the poem's "story" with this. For example, rather than a stripy T-shirt in your opening stanza, use stripy pyjamas, and with the diamonds in the grass, mention that they're below, otherwise the reader imagines you're walking on that grass.
Watch your capitalisation. You begin some sentences with a lower case letter, and you begin the line "They stud the gold leaf mound" with a capital T, though it's not a new sentence. Also, reconsider your sentence breaks. Sometimes you use two sentences where one continuous sentence makes more sense.
Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your poem.
This poem made me think of kids stealing fruit from their neighbors' trees. It's a nice seasonal nature poem.
1) a little more negativity on the possibility that humans will rebuild, with your excellent conclusion following a "and if they ever do manage to crawl back out of the radioactive dust" clause.
2) use some shorter sentences for more impact, eg.
For me, I mean for us, time seems always still. Even the world feels static." -> For us, time stands still. The world is static." -> use narrative that is confident to better engage the reader. Yes, you need some "voice", but not at the expense of losing voice or becoming too verbose.
Do you really think you could ever be scarier than this?" -> Could you ever be scarier than this?"
3) the two characters are distinctly different in background, age, and gender. Give her a childish, carefree accent, eg. Valley talk with lots of contractions. He's an educated adult, an officer, so give him more formal speech with few if any contractions. For example, where she says "yeah" he says "yes" and similarly "nah" and "no". This will better show their differences of character. You don't want them sounding the same.
Really clear conflict from the beginning. Great tension and action. Brilliant resolution.
What might need work
One of the biggest problems for any author (me included) with writing a story in the first person is the tendency to begin too many sentences with "I + verb". Take a quick glance through your story and see how many times you do that, what proportion of your sentences are like this. Try to be more creative and produce a variety of sentence lengths and structures.
Readers quite like to know who is speaking near the beginning of the story, ie. who the narrator is. You don't give us the name of the narrator until about a quarter way through, so we find it more difficult to identify with her. When you wrote: "What are you doing?" questions… you could have addressed the narrator by name within this introductory speech, eg. "What are you doing, Hazel?" questions
If you're going to rate a story "E", watch your language. I almost always rate mine 18+ because of the adult language my characters use and innuendo.
Watch out for minor typos, eg.
"When I go outside and nothing's there, you'll stop? -> missing " at end.
The thought of unicorns snaps me back into reality and I say, "Alight, Ready?" -> Alright, not 'alight'
Conclusion
I thought this was a great story. The conflict was interesting and the characters well developed.
Thank you for entering the contest!
Best wishes,
Bob
CLICK ON MY SIGNATURE TO FOLLOW THE PINK FLUFFY UNICORN HOME!!!
Well, you certainly make it very clear who you're speaking about from the very beginning, lol. You create a nice opening hook because the reader becomes really curious about why you think your mother was an immature person.
Characters — are they well rounded?
You certainly crafted a detailed set of characteristics for your mom, yourself, and your dad. However, what I felt was missing a tad was the 'redeeming' feature. Usually, in this kind of anecdotal tale, at some point toward the end the author introduces some habit or quirk of the person in question that they found adorable and which they will forever think fondly about, such as the way your mom read poetry aloud to you or the pride she showed in you when you got your first poem published or something. Leaving the reader with a completely negative report isn't always such a good thing. Even a, 'she was useless but I still loved her', would work.
Plot — is it driving the story?
Lots of great conflict here to engage the reader. However, toward the end, before you reach your conclusion that you're mature, maybe compare yourself to her in some respects and demonstrate how you're more mature in specific circumstances, eg. specific examples of you showing empathy toward somebody. You talk about your dad doing the washing up, so maybe you asking him to teach you how, striving toward being more independent than your mom ever was.
Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
The pace of this story is great.
Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?
Your prose is clear and easy to follow. The only thing I'd suggest is that you do a little more showing, ie. more scene development within the story rather than the broadbrush telling you do.
Notes
Still whining about the things her Mom had done to her when she was a kid. -> this is a minor thing, but in this story when you use 'Mom' like a name, as a proper noun, then it should indeed be capitalized. However, in sentences like this one you're using it as a common noun, so 'the things her mom had done'.
She was doing a post-graduation in biology -> she was doing a postgraduate biology course, OR, she was a biology postgraduate student.
Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
Although it's clear you're setting a domestic scene in India in specific cities, you don't really ground the reader in a specific location and show the surrounding setting, like showing what a particular kitchen is like, or better describing the messy living room with smells and touch to go along with the broadbrush 'it's a mess'. I mean, a house with servants makes me wonder if it was like a palace, but you don't describe the building, the room, or how many rooms there were. It just all happens in a vacuum, lol.
Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
I actually really liked your take on the prompt. My only concern is that the story came across as a bit one sided, ie. that you didn't really show as much empathy for her position as I personally would have liked, especially toward the end. I mean, you began really well, showing why she became the person she did, but then once you introduce yourself as a character, the sympathy for her position goes out the window. Maybe just a recap of why she was like that in the resolution at the end? Or maybe just something to show that you love her in spite of all that happened — your bad childhood experiences.
Thank you for sharing your story. Good luck with your writing and the Quotation Inspiration Contest!
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Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.
When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.
Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?
The opening establishes Jace as the viewpoint protagonist and also hints at conflict because he's upset at his partner's desire to stay and watch the movie.
However, I was confused by two minor points that could easily be fixed.
First, I assumed that Luka was Jace's girlfriend until he appears in person and turns out to be male. Luka is an androgynous name, so it would be better if you could somehow slip the male pronoun into Jace's thoughts about him in the opening paragraphs so that his gender is established.
Second, the relationship between Jace and Luka isn't adequately expressed here. It would be better to get it out in the open what they are to each other. To be honest, I've read the whole chapter and I'm still not sure. They are described as partners, but I'm not sure if that's in a romantic relationship sense or a business sense. Maybe all vampires must hang out with a werewolf partner in the universe you're creating, and there's nothing romantic implied. If Luka is Jace's boyfriend, why not use the word boyfriend at some point in the first few paragraphs so that their relationship is clear from the get-go?
Characters — are they well rounded?
I'm liking both blokes because Jace wants to save the boy at first, and Luka does later. However, I feel that their relationship needs to be better clarified, and I'm mystified why you decided to do that role reversal where at first Jace is the caring one wanting to save the boy but later it's Luka. You could create much better conflict and engage your reader better by having one of them wishing to save the boy and the other opposing (with reasonable reasons) throughout, so that there would be a clear conflict and resolution as Jace wins out, persuading Luka to help the poor boy they've saved.
The biggest problem with the blokes is that I've no idea what they look like, either their general appearance or their ages. I also don't know what kind of work they do or what their interests are beyond going to the movies. I don't expect an in-depth biography in the opening chapter, and I would hate to see an info dump, but when Luka first appears, Jace could see that he's taller/shorter whatever, think about their mutual ages, maybe wonder what a stunning male model is doing with a scruffy Goth like himself, something that shows what they both look like without being too telling or infodumpy, if you catch my drift.
I like the lady witch even more. She's a selfless person who is dedicated to her craft. You do manage to describe her physically, so we know her age and rough appearance.
Plot — is it driving the story?
Your plot is pretty solid. You've got a clear conflict and end with various hooks: 1) what will the boy be like when he turns? 2) who first bit him? 3) what will the authorities say about all this? 4) what will Jace and Luka do after the transition etc??? Lots of interesting questions raised.
As I said under character, though, it might be better if the two blokes have more consistent positions on whether to help the young boy or not. That will generate better conflict and feeling of resolution toward the end of this chapter.
Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
Your pacing is good.
Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?
Your prose is generally clear and easy to follow. I found your story quite engaging. You might like to look into comma usage in a good style guide, like The Chicago Manual of Style, since you appear to place them in quite random locations sometimes and generally fail to use them to separate independent clauses where their omission is felt. The problem is so rife that I didn't bother to copy examples into the notes below. Just take a glance at the simple comma guide linked here and that should help: https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma/
Notes
"It's a fictional movie, Jace created by humans who tried to put a new spin on vampires," Luka said, joining -> when addressing somebody within a spoken sentence, separate out that person's name from what's said to them with as many commas as are needed. Here, …movie, Jace, created… Also, it's a good idea to get speech tags in as early as possible rather than forcing the reader to read to the end of the speech before finding out who's speaking. In that way, the reader can better imagine the sound of the voice and is so better immersed in the scene. So here, for example, you might write: "It's a fictional movie, Jace," said Luka, "created by humans who tried to put a new spin on vampires." OR: Luka joined him. "It's a fictional movie, Jace, created by humans who tried to put a new spin on vampires."
Yet how could he in good conscious do so? -> in good conscience
Just breath through your mouth and stay alert. " -> breathe, not breath, and there's an extra space at the end between the period and speech marks.
Placing the items on the floor she laid out a large towel on the rug and motion for Jace to bring the patient. -> and motioned for
Filling the cook pot halfway with water, -> two things. 1) she asked him to fill the pot, but he's half filling it. 2) if all she's going to do with it is wash her hands, why did she ask for a pot rather than a bowl of water?
"Gemstones used for drawing out and absorbing energ -> if they're gemstones, maybe describe them as such as she lays them out rather than simply calling them stones until now.
"A half-breed? I didn't think such a thing was possible with vampires." -> if it wasn't possible, why would they have a special word for it, and why would he know this word?
"I need to keep an eye on him anyway for the next few weeks, to make sure his transition goes as smooth and painless as possible. -> either, to ensure his transition goes as smoothly and painlessly as possible, OR, to ensure his transition is as smooth and painless as possible. The second option is more active, better.
Turning the machine on, she to her room and came out -> she, what? to her room? she disappeared into her room, maybe?
"Woah, that's my bedroom," he heard Luka whisper behind him. "So cool." -> my bedroom? I thought that they were partners? Wouldn't it be 'our bedroom'?
Speaking of blood when was the last time you ate?" -> I'm confused about why Jace would leave it so long before eating. It seems like unusual behavior that's unexplained.
Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
I found your settings adequate and was pleased to see you using the sense of smell and taste within the story.
Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.
I feel that you have an interesting story to tell, but you need to show your two male protagonists a little better (like what they look like, what they do when they're not being all supernatural, what their interests are, how old they are, are they in a relationship?) and make their behavior consistent.
Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.
un: 
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Sadly, all lost now in the mists of time and many house moves. 
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Welcome to WDC from "
This is a Newbies + Poetry Group Review 
It stands out a mile because your writing style is Orwellian, and this word isn't. 
I almost always rate mine 18+ because of the adult language my characters use and innuendo.