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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Colin

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is well written and your thoughts are clearly stated. You've done a good job, but I feel a bit of anger and resentment in some of the words you've chosen, despite saying I applaud his passion

"This is BULLs***!"
This is where you gave a hint of your feelings. *Smile*

I think God is wrong.
Actually, it is man that is wrong, not God.

Obsessiveness in any religion is man making himself the spokesperson of God, and they turn more away from religion than they invite in. Go into a empty field, far from people and have a good talk with God, by yourself. You'll discover that your, I want to help people, I want to love people, is the only right path. God holds us to no laws because laws are too grievous for man. Love - Do Unto Others, covers all things.

A good write. I don't like the idea this is restricted to Christians, because it happens in all religions. But it's your encounter and he happened to be a Christian, so it's your story.

An interesting write that certainly held my attention. Well done!

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Review of Dreams & Desires  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, anum

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a very good opening to your story! I feel tension at once, and the concern of the girl is real and believable. It's a good way to hook your reader to continue the read.

Help her?" the father questioned, raising his eyebrows,

The theme of tradition is shown clearly. This is good 'showing' of the face and mood of the father. Good work!

Suri softly replied,

Again, good 'showing' of her concern and confusion.

You've a good beginning. It's written tightly with no extra words to slow the read down. I think it's an interesting, realistic theme. I feel trouble ahead for Suri. I hope she's strong enough to handle it. *Smile*

As you begin to write longer chapters, place space between each line of dialog. The page will be neater and it'll be easier to read. Place a space between each paragraph too. Spaces make it easier for you to edit, so they are good for everyone.

I look forward to the next chapter, this is one I would definitely turn the page to continue reading.

Well done!

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Review of In the Air  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, 75

Welcome to Writing.Com!

One thing that most readers have in common is to become very involved in a tense, exciting world and then have it all come to a screeching halt with a “It was all a dream!”

Bad bad. *Smile*

The thing is, the story was coming along very good. There's no reason to end it like this. That's for those who lose focus and can't figure out where to take it. I think your imagination could find an out for him.

The scene is clear and the imagery sickening. Horrifying. You've done a good job with the descriptions. I wish you'd work on the second half and give it a realistic ending, you'd have a great story.

Well done, whatever you decide to do with it. It sure caught my interest.

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Review of A BRIEF RESPITE.  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Meg

This sounds as if you're not really comfortable with the form. *Smile* I can hear the hesitation and unsureness through the words.

The imagery is good and the message is certainly clear, no problem there. For me, the rhythm is off and gives a hesitancy to the read. I can only give my impression as a reader though, and others (and yourself) will probably hear what I don't. One reader doesn't count for much in the end.

I like the theme and the picture is painted well. The repeating line; Just for a brief respite. is good and helps to tie the piece together. A good phrase, by the way.

Don't let the rate discourage you, you know I love your writing.

I enjoyed it and I hope this helps a little.



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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, angel_of_art06

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've a good beginning to a strong, emotional piece. There are some good words and phrases, and some that pull the reader away. I believe a little more time spent on it, and good reviews from poets will polish this into a beautiful poem.

Some things I noticed that pulled me from the read.

but then I felt insecured,

He trust me not

hear my mourning vain.

I do pray you hear me early,
Before everything's late;

Before my patience vanish justly;

Some of these are in the wrong tense, and some sound awkward and incomplete, so the thought isn't clear.

As a draft, it's coming along fine. Now, it's time for editing and polishing to bring out the life and shine.

Good job!


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Druid1

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a thoughtful, well written piece. It's interesting and complete. I have no questions that weren't answered and you've shown the steps taken in a clear and concise manner. I can hear the excitement and joy through the 'voice' of the words, and I feel happy that it's worked out. You've touched the reader with this piece, and that's what writing is supposed to do.

I found no typos or confusion.

Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, Fiorafire

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like the tone I hear as I read this one. It sounds like an ode almost. Good job! The emotion is very well shown and it pulls the reader along well. It's easy to read and understand, but there are a few issues I found.

marrital bound

My eyes and ears wanted to make --marital bond--out of these words. They are in here twice. Marrital is a misspelling, and 'bound' I don't understand.

Yet He stepped outside and indeed did partake of another
This is a great line, I loved it!

for sworn."
Spelling is --forsworn-- also --foresworn--

she crept to look outsde

Another lover he behold

This would correctly be --beheld--, but it wouldn't rhyme with 'told'. It sounds awkward.

You've done a good job with it, as a whole. Only a bit of polishing here and there is needed.

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, worklifewizard

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is an interesting piece. We always enjoy hearing of new contests and 'the workplace' is the place to find the prompts. Good luck with this.

The only thing that bothers me with winning is giving away all rights for only a plastic travel mug. Doesn't quite feel equal to me. *Delight* Ah well, good luck anyway. Hope you get lots of submissions, it's good practice on both sides.


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Karen

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a well written slice of life memory. You've made it interesting and it held my attention all the way through. The descriptions were clear and I had no problem understanding the message. You've done a good job with it.

and overhead me telling a neighbor about --only one typo! Good proofreading, too!

Can you imagine where you'd be if you'd offered the glass of water? *Smile*

Well done!

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Review of Close Your Eyes  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, Katya Python

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a beautiful piece. The elements all work together to bring the scene to life for me, and I enjoyed it. I see nothing wrong with it at all as a reader. It's very well thought out and written.

Well done!


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Review of A Girl  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Ella Viaja

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The words are good and it's written well. The problem is in the message. I am never told 'who' or 'what' I'm looking at. I can't imagine a girl in this, so it leaves me feeling confused.

never won & never lost,
I suggest you always spell out --and--.

As I said, the words are good. If they are an analogy of something besides a girl, it isn't clear to this reader.

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Review of A wake up call.  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hello, PJ Forrester

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The writing is clear and well done, but I think with more emotion it could really come to life. This is bland and doesn't attract a readers attention. Add some fear, disbelief, fright - some kind of emotion.

The doctor has told me that if I don’t change my ways I could die.

This word isn't enough for a wake-up call. No matter what we do, we always 'could' die. Changing it to --would--would make it more definite and scary. Showing the final incident that put this character into the hospital might pull the readers sympathy toward her. Pointing fingers at the parents didn't help me to sympathize with her.

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You've a good beginning to work with.

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Review of Love and loved  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello, S.F.

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Before me stands the burning passion I feel for you,

This piece is more of poetry prose than a short fiction. The opening line is poetic, but isn't so good as an opening for a short story. It left the reader trying to see this passion as a solid object, and it's impossible. I don't know what I'm looking for.

ashes scatter to the wind hoping to become so much more then a broken memory

This is telling the readers the ashes are alive, and they have hopes as humans do. Poetic, but difficult to read as a story.

that plays in your head, mush like the broken record I have become attached to in the recent months.
Typo of --much--

illumining the shadows to the extent that we had now fear of that lies past the lies our parents fed us, the lies we fed ourselves.

This is a difficult phrase to understand.

oh how I wish you where here.
Spelling is --were--. You have a couple of these to find.

There are many incomplete sentences for the readers to figure out for themselves. Without a clear plot or introduction of the characters, the reader cannot be impelled to read and find out the whys, whos and whats.

I suggest going into Edit to fix the spelling issues and changing the genre to Prose. While you're there, hit the enter key after each paragraph to leave space between them. The page will be cleaner and it will be much easier to read.

I feel the emotion toward the ending, but there isn't a hint of the why. When the narrator's eyes glazed over, it sounded like he'd died. But, fleeing from the sirens nixed that idea. Add details for a complete story, it sounds interesting and would make a good one, I think. Make sure each line is clear and concise so the readers can see and understand the scene with clarity.

Use this as a draft or outline, and work with details now. Even changing to Prose will require clarity for understanding, but it gives a bit more leeway on incomplete sentences.

The important thing is to write it your way, but be sure the readers know what's happening. They'll enjoy it.

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, yasdnilelocinserih

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Wow, what a great handle you've chosen! It's hard to write. *Delight* But, easy to remember.

I like this piece, I think you've done a great job showing how we all go through the 'cocoon' stage. The imagery is good.

I am the cocoon
but nobody knows it yet.

I think we can all relate to this. Good use of your imagination!

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No typos and it reads fine.
Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello again,

I was so glad to find another item to read.

Great descriptions! You've managed to bring this to life - it moves! I can even feel the gravel. I truly enjoyed the look on those faces and laughed along with Pop. Appearances.

It's written tight with no extra words to slow the read. I think you've been doing this for a while, you're not a new writer. *Smile*

No problems with this one either. It's perfect and publishable, in my opinion. Search for the right magazine genres and submit your work. Your work is good!

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, d.Smith

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a wonderful story, and you've written it excellently. I found no bumps of confusion at all as I read. The visions of the puppy underfoot were as clear as a movie.
You're very good with descriptions, I noticed no extra words and that's not easy. The story is told plainly, and I felt the tenseness and sorrow - and love well.

I would enjoy reading a book of your short storys.

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Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Cynthianna

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is an interesting piece. It's written very well. I'm not sure of the voice though, it sounds off somehow. It's not really the tone of a child, for one thing, and I can't place her age. She seems awfully young and innocent to be writing as well as she does. Is she being made a slave, a poor orphan? A Cinderella? Is she attempting to play on her mother's guilt by naming all the 'chores' she has to do, and the bottles she 'made' her break? She sounds manipulive and almost vengeful. Perhaps a teen-ager, but her way of speaking says she's younger. It's a pitiful theme, but it doesn't draw my pity for some reason. I have no suggestions, though. And, this is only one readers impression.

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Perhaps working on the emotion would make her more believable? What do you think?
It's a good job - a good beginning.

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Review of Autumn's Beauty  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, imstriving4_eel

Welcome to Writing.Com

I think you've a good start, but if intended for children, it's a bit slow. I feel no happiness or joyful smiles from the words.
The imagery isn't as strong as it could be, to catch and hold a child's attention. In my opinion.

Also, in a couple of the verses I noticed the rhythm was off.

All sand their songs so proud
The call all creation to sing
These are typos I noticed.

Shining, blowing, pouring their fame

This is one of the lines that caused me to stumble. It sounds incomplete - unfinished.
I don't know what is meant by --fame-- and I think children may be confused by it, too. It sounds like a reach to rhyme --rain--.

More emotion would help pull the reader in, especially children.

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This is only my first impression as a reader, and only one opinion. I like the theme and the title. Autumn is filled with colorful leaves blown by the wind, and I suppose I expected color to be the Beauty. *Smile*

It's good, and if it suits you, don't pay any attention to me. (except for the typos)

esprit

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, misunderstood

Welcome to Writing.Com

I enjoyed this read, the emotion heard in the tone held me in with sympathy. It sounds like it comes from the heart and the author is deeply sincere in her plea. Realistically personal is a good hook.

This would make a wonderful short story if you decided to expand it. It also would make a good filler in particular teen magazines.

Editing is needed for spelling/typos.

words alot. -- a lot--two words.
alchol for copeing. --alcohol--coping--
i would do anything i --Capitalize the I--
Fortunatly --Fortunately--
You'r be lucky --You'll--

It's a good piece.
Keep your work out there to be noticed,
be sure and post your work on a few review forums. "Find a Review Forum" 


esprit

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Review of Opinion  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I found this on the Public Review page.

I was surprised to see you answered the big question truthfully. It is generally skipped over in these sorts of opinion pieces.

Israel has been gripped with hysteria, since Iranian President made that obnoxious comment that Israel should be wiped off from the map and questioned the truth of the Holocaust. He repeatedly called for the destruction of Jewish State. These threats compelled Israel to consider Iran to be the greatest threat to its survival

I think it was more than 'obnoxious', personally.

Iranians don't make empty rhetoric. They carry out their threats.

I believe they mean what they say and say what they mean. They don't care about 'politically correct diatribe, and they don't care what others think of them.

I take their threats seriously, too.
To sit and wait for them to arrive is the Diplomatic Plan.


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Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (1.5)
Hello, TheStoryWeaver

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You need to be ready to buy it off the shelf, I am not gonna write anymore than this!

I'm sorry to see you're not posting your work in order to get feedback. It needs editing if you expect to sell it. No one writes good first drafts, only good last revisions. Really.

This has typos and spelling issues that affect the readability, and other issues too.

The opening is full of action, but what are they doing? Who are they fighting and why? Where are they? To pull the reader in, they need to know.

They stated down the snow covered mountain, thier paws tossed up snow everytime they hit the ground. They picked up thier pace halfway down.

This is wonderful description! It's clear and concise. Good job!

Howl strached his ear. "Okay, thsi is the
Spelling and typo. --scratched--and --this--

first mission

What is the mission? It must be very important, but I wondered why only two soldiers were sent to confront so many enemies.

razor shap teeth visible---sharp--

"Okay, thsi is the first mission we have been on, lets not blow it." He said

A typo of --this--.
Why is he telling Wolf something she already knows? She knows it's their first mission, doesn't she?

They stated down the snow --started--

thier paws tossed u
This error is repeated several times. Be sure and check them all when and if you edit.

They picked up thier pace --Spelling is --their--

Wolf and Howl let out a haunting howl,

They each howled, didn't they? So they would --let out haunting howls--
Cut the bolded word --a--

The 20 guards began shooting in their diraction.

Spell out numbers under 100. --twenty--direction--

They doged easily. --dodged--

They doged easily. The lazers pointed on thier soft fur. But they never hit.

These short sentences cause the reader to stop too often, and they are pulled from the tensness of the action. I suggest combining the second two with a comma by cutting the period.

and turned to thier human forms,

You want --into--their human forms. They changed, didn't they?

"Procide to the target.

Spelling is --proceed--
What is the target?

They went to the door and opened it

Where did the door come from? They were on a mountain covered with snow. Details are where the story comes from for the readers. They don't like to guess everything.

Oh, did I forget to mention? Their swords are bullet proof,

This is called 'author intrusion' and is a bad idea. It reminds readers they are only reading a make-believe story when they are deep within the characters. It causes them to stop reading. If it's important to know the swords are bullet proof, work it in some other way - perhaps have them discuss how lucky they are to have them.

When she reached they end of the hall,
They guard's boddies

Spelling is --bodies--

slid into peices --pieces--
She yelled as the unsheathed thier swords, ready for battle.

You've a good idea, and I can see the snow very clearly. I can see it swirl up as they walk through it. You've some good description throughout the work. I believe you're rushing it, though. Slow down and take it one step at a time. Make sure every detail is in place so the reader can understand it as well as the author, who already knows the story. Remember, readers only know what you actually write, not what you intended to write.

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I truly like and admire your confidence in being published; I wish more had it. I know this review may be discouraging, but try not to let it. Make it a good, salable story.

esprit


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, meg

Somehow I knew this one would make me laugh. (something about the brief description gave me a hint) *Delight*

I enjoy reading your work and finding you're loving the site as much as most of us are. You can thank for son for urging you to sign up. I can relate to this one very well. I like the beat of the lines, it's cheery and fun.

Well done girl!


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, a martyrs farewell

Welcome to Writing.Com

Whoa, this certainly struck me as being a 'martyrs' lament. With the emotional words all concentrated on poor-me's, it didn't attract this readers sympathy. *Smile* It kind of reminded me of people I know and have no pity for. *Smile*

Whether she know it or not,
I loved her.

I believe if you showed why and what he loved about her, it would help the reader relate to why he is so broken up. Only a suggestion though, I'm not trying to change your work.

I found several spelling and typo issues.

Whether she know it or not, --knows--
I just imagine that I did, --imagined--
To make my self feel a little stronger. --myself--
to the pain of bieng burnt alive,--being--
Concience --conscience--
curiousity ----curiosity--
beautifule --beautiful--
tommorow --tomorrow--
eulogys Since this was only one, you would not place the -s- on the end.

For a more complete, technical review, be sure and post your work on a few review forums for poets. "Find a Review Forum" 

Be sure and proofread your work before posting.


esprit

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Review of Mabelle  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again, Miss. Brown

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is good and it takes me back in memory. You've done a good job with the tone, it's as quiet as a thought and places the reader right beside you to see what you see. It suits the piece well.

I enjoyed the read and found nothing to get in the way. No typos.

Well done!

esprit


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, emo punk

Welcome to Writing.Com

I enjoyed this read. The emotion is good and strong, and it pulls the reader in well. The imagery shows the scene clearly. I especially liked the feelings the character showed, I believe they're universal and any reader should be able to relate to them. I could.

These short pieces are wonderful practice and I want to encourage you to keep at it. You're good! I found nothing wrong with this piece, except the lack of capitals at the beginning of sentences. A practice piece.

For a more complete, technical review, be sure and post your work on a few review forums.



esprit

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