Hello, Samantha
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"  You said, This is a finished short story.
I don't agree it's finished. Your Brief Description;
Brenna Halloran knows evil. What she doesn't know is what's to come.
hasn't been addressed at all. It's the hook that causes the readers to open the book and read. You haven't fulfilled the promise made here.
"Are you all right?" she asked from a distance.
"Hello? Are you all right? ", she repeated when there was no answer. Still no response.
There isn't a need to explain why she asked again. The next line does that well. This only causes overtelling and wordiness. It slows the reading down and takes away the tension you're trying to build. The bolded could be cut.
There were people out there who didn’t much like her. And regardless of that there were people in the area that would stoop to something this low just to score some extra cash.
The word --regardless--doesn't make sense here. It doesn't fit. scoring extra cash doesn't have anything to do with liking her, see? These are two separate statements that can't be connected.
and he was dressed much better than anyone she’d ever come across.
She’d never seen anyone with hair so dark, except herself of course. She thought she could make out a tan on his skin. It was hard to see exactly what he looked like because it was dark and the only streetlight within a hundred feet was the one that always flashed on and off
His hair was short and she could see that it was dark,
I'm always amazed at how well characters can be described when only seen in the dark, from a distance. Unbelievable.
as though the bulb in it couldn't decide whether or not tonight was the night it was going to burn out.
This is extra wordiness. The bulb decides nothing, and the reference to --on and off--above, says the same thing clear enough.
He didn't look dangerous but then looks could be deceiving.
Redundant. It's been said once.
He didn't look like he needed the money,
I suggest cutting --the--.
He hadn't answered her that final time either and she knew she had to do something. She had only two options.
Overexplaining. This could be cut for a tighter, more intense visual image. Readers will know he hasn't answered.
Cautiously she reached for his wrist to check his pulse. He was alive, but still unresponsive.
She felt his pulse, weak, but there.
but careful not to touch him, she tried to see if he was breathing or not.
Bending closer she pressed her ear to his chest. Yes, his heart had a steady beat.
Each of these lines alone are good and descriptive, but you only need one. She doesn't need to take his pulse once to see if he's alive, and again to see if it's weak. If he has a pulse you can be pretty sure his heart is beating and he's breathing. I suggest using a few key descriptions and cutting most of this.
Since she didn't want to touch him, why did she lay her head against his chest after taking his pulse? It's inconsistent with her professed fear.
She had been walking when she had seen him lying there, alone and hurt. There was no way she could carry him the ten miles to the hospital.
True she worked out but he had to weigh a good amount more than she did and though she could probably lift him there was no way she could carry him all that distance.
I found all of this to be extra words and cut into the tenseness of the scene. This info is not needed, IMO.
" Please, " He sat up quickly, too quickly, the pain shot through his head and he fell back groaning with the pain. " Please, " he tried again
A good descriptive line. I can see this and feel it, too, because I've been in this pain. Well done!
the way she was standing the light from the street lamp made her glow. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He took a moment to take her in. Her long black hair flowed behind her, blowing in the wind. Her eyes were an emerald green,
Was the light behind her to make her glow? Or in front to show her eyes and face?
She walked over to him, "Can you stand? " she asked " I'm not sure " he replied. " Willing to try? " she asked.
Separate each speaker's dialogue with a line. This is crowded and difficult.
" She said. " Your bleeding and you're as pale as . . ." She
--Spelling/typo for --you're--
He didn't know why he had given her his real name, he had intended to, he didn't want her caught up in the mess he was in.
Typo for --hadn't--?
She tried desperately to think of a place she could bring him. Her apartment was only
blocks away but did she really want to bring him there?
Grammar issue. She can't -bring--him to a place she isn't. She can only --take--him.
or would that be pushing it? He seemed nice enough, if only a bit odd.
He doesn't seem -odd- to this reader. He is acting realistic for an injured, frightened man. Isn't he? Clarity on --odd-- if you need to use it.
Now she just needed to find out what had happened. As they walked she tried to think of the best way to bring it up.
she couldn't help wondering what it is he was about to say. I'm such an idiot, she thought. Why did I cut him off? Silently cursing herself
She is way too curious too quickly. I see her as having 'street smarts', so why does she have such a pressing 'need' to find out what happened? We were told the neighborhood was dangerous. She might assume a robber hit him at this point. His not wanting her to call police or the hospital might make her more suspicious of him if she's an honest citizen, and more wary. If she isn't, she would immediately understand. IMO. I immediately thought the police were probably the culprits.
she helped him up the stairs and into the building. The walk to the apartment had been easy compared to climbing the stairs. He didn't have the energy to take them all at once so they had
I have to assume the first --stairs--are actually the outside 'steps' up to the door. Is that correct? Changing the word would avoid confusion of the next line referencing 'stairs'.
It took them 10 minutes to climb the one flight of stairs.
This could be cut safely to help cut down on wordiness. It doesn't matter how long it took, we're told it was a difficult climb.
He was just a boy after all.
I thought he was a grown man. Now, I have to rethink him.
both used and blank. He took it all in at once, it wasn't very big and it was slightly cluttered but all in all it spoke volumes about her personality.
This isn't credible to me. He is worn out from the walk and the climb up the stairs. He is about to pass out again, and he notices all of this at once? He must not be as injured as I thought.
You've built up good tight tension in places, only to lose it with these extra words to be read. Keep it tight and on topic. Readers won't give a hoot about her apartment at this point, they want to know about these characters safety.
In the light of her apartment she was able to get a good look at him. She had been right about his height. He was a good 6 inches taller than she. He couldn't have weighed more than 170, he was tall and all muscle if the quick glance at his arms and shoulders was accurate. She had been right about his hair, it was a dark brown and her first look and impression of his eyes had been correct, they were the palest blue she had ever seen. She could drown in his eyes.
This whole para is redundant. It has all been said at least once and could be cut easily. How can she be so head-over-heels about him already? She isn't as street-smart as I thought.
she searched the cabinets and drawers but all she could find was a small, torn dish towel. It'd have to do.
This sounds like she is searching an unknown area. This is her kitchen, she knows exactly what she has available and where it is. This could be cut down to --she grabbed a dish towel and bowl of water--
She asked herself. Should I call 911? He said not too but . . . he needs helpཀ
A typo of --to--
she didn't believe Brenna but there was no way to for her to know if she was being truthful or not.
The --to--is a typo.
We have to go. " he managed finally. "Go? But, we can't. You're hurt and the hospital certainly won't let you leave. " she said. She didn't
Dialogue on separate lines.
Then it hit him, or rather she hit him. The nurse who had brought Brenna in to see him had come up behind them and hit him over the head.
This is awkward to read and understand. I suggest cutting it and giving the description to Brenna to show (below).
Where had she come from.
This line could be cut. The next says where she came from. Behind.
The nurse who had shown her to Riley's room had come up on them suddenly from behind and had bashed Riley in the head, knocking him to the ground. Brenna tried to help him but the nurse turned her attention to her. There was no way out, she was backed into a corner and had no option but to fight back.
Doing so would reveal things to Riley that she didn't want him knowing, but she had no other choice. The nurse never saw what hit her, one moment she was standing over Brenna ready to beat her to the ground,
You need to show her in action, and give her emotion. I see or feel no surprise. hear no exclamations. What is meant by the nurse 'standing over her'? We know Brenna is taller than the nurse but I didn't see her knock Brenna down.
This is a good scene to bring to life. It's exciting and dangerous. Let the readers see everything and feel everything. It's a climax to this chapter so make it visual.
He didn't believe his eyes. One moment Brenna was backed into a corner,
floor. " Where did you...ཁ" he began, but she
There'll be time for explanations later. "
The made their way to the door encountering more people on the way.
I agree with the line in blue. I don't agree with any questions or explanations here. Again, they only delute the intense action and emotions the reader should be experiencing here. The excitement will slide away quickly (with the readers) if you're not careful.
He is not going to care where she learned it, but he will care about getting his rear out of there safely. I suggest stopping the sidebar curiosity and sticking with the scene at hand.
A typo of --They--
was supposed to get involved. I'm sorry, I've ruined your life. "
I don't like this at all. It sounds juvenile to me, self-pity. And --ruining her life--is over-the-top melodramatic.
"Let's go. "she said. " We've got a long walk ahead of us and we haven't even started yet. "
So, is he walking this walk in a split up the back hospital gown?
Why aren't the authorities outside searching for them?
Why didn't she want him to know she could fight?
Where are they located where they are the only dark-haired people?
What is the time era where eye color other than brown, is so rare?
It isn't finished yet, but it's a good beginning. More chapters would give you time enough to answer all these questions if you wanted to.
My review and rate is reflecting a completed story.
It's good and I enjoyed reading it. The comments are made in helping you see where you could consider cutting and tightening to make it more intense. I hope it helps.
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