Hello, barry
I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" would greatly appreciate serious feedback
I'm sorry to bring the average rate down, but I will try to explain my reasoning.
Angie, arrived home two hours earlier. The seventeen year-old collected the mail and laid it out—sales fliers, junk mail, credit card applications, magazines and assorted bills—on the bed along with the court letter perched conspicuously on top
Grace Paulson crumpled the letter from the district court and flung it in the trash.
Angie was sure to ask about the letter,
As Grace crossed the hall and entered her daughter’s bedroom,
There are many words of description concerning the letter and its importance, so I have to ask. Which room is she in while reading it? Which bed was it lying on? I assumed Angie placed it on her own bed, but apparently not. If it had been placed on the kitchen counter or a table, I wouldn't have these questions, but the bed seems an unusual place to set the mail, to me.
she caught her reflection in the mirror. For the lanky woman who turned forty on
porcelain-pale, complexion were still her most appealing feature; the oval face and slender neck were classic Modigliani.
As soon as I read the words 'she caught her reflection', I knew I was about to hear her describe herself and I groaned. It is so cliched and obvious. Honestly, I still don't 'see' her - physically. Is it important? Did she really think this description of herself? porcelain-pale,--classic Modigliani? My first thought was conceited and narcissistic.
“As I recall, Gina Grabowski acuse a male teacher
A typo of --accused-- There are several more of these types scattered through. You'll find them when you read to edit.
“About the book,” Grace pressed.
“It’s no big deal!”
“You’re not planning…”
“Cripes, it's just some dopey book!”
I wondered why Grace is so much more concerned about this than she was with others in the past? Why is she overreacting?
It was midday and most teachers at Brandenberg Middle School were eating lunch in the staff dining room. Ed Grayson, Chairman of the English Department, entered the room. Ed was a bit of an oddity at Brandenberg. Frail, with a pencil moustache and effete, self-absorbed expression, he kept apart from the rest of the staff but was not unfriendly or unapproachable. A real bookworm. Under his left arm was a tattered, hard-covered volume which he placed on the table. The binding of the book was coming unglued, the spine just barely holding the frayed, yellowed pages together.
This sounds like a script of description for a play or movie. Intended to show a character what to do. I suggest rewriting with his movement and descriptions working together more naturally.
“How long has Carl been working at Brandenberg?” It felt weird using his first name.
So why did she use it? Why did it feel weird?
“Damned if I know. A couple years at least.” She grinned wickedly. “Seems like we got ourselves a real mystery here.”
Wow, why is everyone taking the news of a janitor knowing about a piece of literature so strangely?
Sub-Plots?
Angie developed a spiritual wanderlust---
Ed Grayson, Chairman of the English Department---
Carl, the janitor’s helper,--
There seems to be many sub-plots being developed. A couple can make a long story more interesting and is needed to hold the interest; but too many at once could cause confusion by the reader losing track of the main story.
“You know that custodian, Carl, ...the janitor’s helper,” Grace spoke in a casual unassuming
Ed Grayson will be waiting to ambush the Janitor’s Helper.”
Grace cringed hearing the term coming from someone with little more than a high school education—
One freckle-faced, floppy-eared boy, who reminded Grace in a twisted sort of way of Alfred E Newman
but her mind balked at the effort. What if this silly kid ended up marrying the girl of
This is reinforcing her image of being conceited - snobbish, to me. She can say 'janitor's helper', but the common clerk is out of place? She can't see the boy as a success because of how he looks? I don't know if I should be leaning toward liking her or not. I can't figure her out yet. If this is done purposely, to catch the reader, you're doing a good job. I hope she grows and changes along the way.
in the early 1600’s. The Wampanoag Tribe presently numbered about 1500 on the Cape. Each July 4th they joined with other tribes from across the country to celebrate their traditional customs, folklore and dance.
Ospreys were one of the largest birds of prey in North America. The wingspan alone
There is quite a bit of 'education' thrown in that sidetracks the reader from the theme of the story. I really haven't quite grasped the main theme yet, because of all the sidebars. You may want to tighten this up to stay on topic, at least until you've hooked the reader.
She saw little of Carl during this time. He seldom ate his lunch in the staff dining room and was either working snow removal or doing repairs in some other wing of the building.
I'm surprised she even remembers this much (after a year) about a man she's paid no attention to at all.
His eyes shrouded over, turned dull and inward as he leaned into his work. Rinsing the water after each pass, he swabbed the floor down with smooth, muscular strokes, paying special attention to the baseboards and space under the heating vents.
She's correcting papers, not paying any attention to him. Would she notice the special care he gave? Why? Could she really see his eyes from across the room?
Wait. She did know something else about the enigmatic mystery man.
Why is she suddenly so intriqued with this man? Is it so unusal for a man to know literature that it becomes the bane and talk of the staff? I can't make the connection on so little. I like that he is a mystery, it's catching my attention; but I'm not surprised that he can read and understand what he's read. There must be something more that has caught her interest so thoroughly. Maybe I just don't want to believe teachers are so egotistical to think they know more than anyone. Especially lowly janitors. I know some are, though.
As a long novel, this begins pretty well. I can't say it really caught my attention though, or convinced me to read on. It rambles and touches on too many topics along the way. (for me) I believe if it was tightened to concentrate on one or two aspects until the reader is hooked, it could then be opened up to more sub-plots slowly. You know readers want to know as much as possible as soon as possible. They aren't patient. Perhaps your intended audience is? Do you have a particular audience in mind?
I admire any that can write novels, it takes endurance that short story writers don't need. This is going to be good I think, surprises and twists are hinted at. I think I know where it's going by the title. Cutting extraneous info and tightening will pull it together well, I think.
I hope this helps some, that's its only purpose.
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