Oh, I know the tightness felt when something new is posted. I suppose most of us do. I liked this. It's written in a conversational style that sounds friendly and it's easy to read and relate to the message. I truly enjoyed it. I look forward to reading more of your work in the weeks to come.
I see nothing technically wrong with this one, but I didn't expect to.
This is good! It's interesting to read and I found no bumps to get in the way. I enjoyed the read all the way through. Your creative talent is showing in this imaginative piece. I caught my breath at the ending, knowing what would happen next. It's inevitable.
You've done a wonderful job with this write! It caught and held my attention from the beginning. It's interesting and emotional. The descriptions are clear, and the emotion brings it to life. It really is very good.
This is well written. It moves quickly and is interesting enough to hold a readers attention, it certainly did mine. I liked it. I noticed a few things for you, I hope they help tighten and polish this.
the distance, and loose myself in the moment.
Spelling typo of --lose--
It is always a wondrous delight to wake up to the morning sun, it feels pure and full of hope. I have always
Two uses of a word or phrase too closely will bring attention to the word and pull the reader from the story. I suggest cutting the first bolded and leaving the second.
"her," it is an energy with no word to truly describe what I feel.
The quotes worked well above in the first two uses, but this is too many. They begin to mean nothing. I suggest removing these. I like the use of -"her"- to describe an elusive character.
The road begins to ascend, forcing to me choose between slowing my pace
I like the reminder throughout that he is running. It keeps the focus on his thoughts.
But, if that old cliche-love at first sight- exist, then this was it.
A typo of --exists-- or --existed--
when I saw her, I was sitting in my favorite cafe
A typo of capitalization --When--
I was hypnotized by a magnetism I could not explain, an invisible thread of delicate twine tugging me in.
Good visual showing of emotion!
I slip in, heading straight for the shower.
I slip into bed,
Try to avoid repeating.
This fellow dreams of another when he has a wife at home?
What a great scene! Good descriptions! I agree with your friends, this is good.
I noticed a couple of things, but all in all, you're doing a good job.
Staring listlessly out of the tiny window, bright lights briefly spied, towns below full of activity and bustle glide underneath and the plane travels on through the storm-wracked night-sky.
This is a good description. It is incomplete because there isn't a subject. But, I noticed there isn't a character in the story either, so this is purposely done. If you cut the two bolded words that hint at a human that isn't there, and simply write something like, from the tiny window, bright lights could be briefly spied, it would take care of the 'incomplete sentence syndrome'--
and hugs are exchanged they are reunited,
A missing word --as--they are reunited.
Litter swept up by the wind crosses the street like some kind of urban tumbleweed wrapping itself around lamppost and railing,
somewhere a joke is made and a laugh is let out, quickly stifled as if here laughing is taboo
You've some good lines, these are only two of the best. The tension of flying is felt.
There are a few more missing words and tiny issues that will be found with a slow proofread.
You've done a good job with this. I look forward to reading a complete story of yours.
I enjoyed this read. The emotion is good and it's strong, and it pulls the reader in well. The imagery is clear and can be seen.
scour the hills
across the lands you prescence is flet
I noticed a few spelling/typos scattered through and am pointing these out as examples.
--scoured-- your presence--felt--
There are other issues that will be found as you do a slow, careful proofread.
For a more complete, technical review, be sure and post your work on a few review forums. I'm only a dedicated reader, so I don't comment on poetry forms.
You've done a good job with this one in my opinion. It's romantic and lovely in the word choices. I liked it.
I found your request for feedback on "Please Review"
This is perfect in my opinion. It catches and holds the readers attention and doesn't let go. It's interesting and realistic. The scene is as clear as a movie and I can feel the emotions of the character.
The dark man is seen and heard through the descriptions and especially with the words;
find a point of focus he’s hurtling at me, accompanied by a tumultuous roar. Something inside me recoils at the sound and I yearn to feel behind me for my girlfriend’s sleeping form, but I’m paralysed, I’m paralysed.
This piece is wonderfully written. I suggest changing nothing unless it's a typo I missed.
This is darn good writing! I enjoyed the story and the reading is easy. There are no extra words to slow it down and the descriptions are showing the scenes wonderfully. I have no suggestions, I would definitely read on. It's caught my interest well.
I would like to have a resolution of some kind at the end though. This isn't quite finished for the reader. What is the big decision and why does it matter so much?
The characters are complete and I understand the concern big brother has for Con, you've done a good job with both of them. The setting is good, esp. the waiter incident. I see no problems with any of this. You're a good writer and I look forward to reading more of your work.
It's good that you're practicing dialogue, I love to see practice pieces. This is pretty good, it's realistic except they sound too formal. Can you loosen them up a little? also, using the name tags after each line isn't necessary when there are only two speakers. Once in a while should be enough to let the readers know who is speaking. Reading tags isn't very interesting.
“What are you doing here” Ally asked Brad. “I come to see you,” Ally said sweetly.
This isn't clear. Did you get a wrong name here? Who came to see who?
“Baby.” Ally added.
Since this is a continuation of the above line, I would keep it up there instead of giving it a separate line.
Sweet heart, it is like am.” Brad said.
What does this mean? Does --am--refer to the time?
“No baby why.” Brad said.
This word doesn't belong here, does it? If it does, make it clear what he's talking about.
The emotion is coming along too. She's excited, isn't she! I can hear her.
This is good practice and I want to encourage you to keep it up as much as possible. all writers have to do this. You're starting off the right way and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Wow, such enthusiasm! It comes straight out of the page!
I like the tone in which you've written this. It's full of energy and fun, it caught my attention well. Everyone is interested in making money, so the topic is good right from the start.
It has the personal experience touch mixed with the professional, and it should work just fine. Get it out there to drum up business. I noticed no typos to get in the way.
The rhymes and rhythm seem good to me. It reads fast and easy with good understanding of the message. The only thing is the form you've chosen is no that of standard poems. I'm not a poet, so can't advise you properly,But I'll try to show you what I mean.
Fallin faster,no escape,
my heart is urs
for u to break,
hurt me badly,
break me hard, make me learn
that love is just a playin card
See how the rhyming words are lined up to rhyme on its own line? This is only a basic form. You'll learn as you go, just like the rest of us. Poets will be around to help you.
Don't worry, you're doing okay! I like the words you've chosen, they're real.
This is very good. As a character study, I don't see how it could be any better. I can see both clearly and feel the emotions from both. The descriptions of him are sparse, and the daughter is shown even less, but his dialogue and her thoughts shows them both clearly. From the daughter's perspective, I was seeing him as crass and cruel so the final scene is well received by this reader. A complete turn-a-round.
I felt emotions of sadness, anger, shame, pride and love. Well done!
You've done a good job and I would be interested in seeing this short expanded into a complete short story. It's good.
This is good, it holds the attention of the reader tight. I read the first chapter so I wouldn't be lost in this one. I think it was well written and I had no suggestions for it.
This one picked up where the first left off.
The dark circles under her eyes were deeping and her energy was low.
I believe --deepening--is what you're looking for.
Even at the zoo the tiger would stop its pacing to come to the front of his enclousure
Spelling is --enclosure--
The main thing I noticed is that by the end of this chap. I'd almost forgotten this was backstory and she'd been abducted. It's okay, though. The abduction caused me to turn the page and I'm willing to listen to a bit of how it came to be. It's interesting and it's believable. The descriptions are good and the emotions are real. The scenes are moving along and are seen as clearly as a movie. You're a good writer and know how to keep the reader's attention.
The writing is tight, mostly, and allows the reader to feel the fear and tension.
I understand the message, it's clear. I found it to be a bit wordy though. I think if you go through and delete the words you don't need for clarity or emotion, it would be a finer, tighter piece. It would be stronger.
to be viewed as weak and indesisive to our friends and
Spelling/typo for ---indecisive--
we forget at the moment how tranparent we really are
A typo only. --You left out the -s- in -transparent-
There are other typos scattered through. Also, placing a space between each paragraph will give you a cleaner, neater page; it will be easier to read.
A good habit is to read your work aloud, slowly. You will catch individual errors if you notice each word.
The info is clear and it's a good topic. I enjoyed the read. Well done!
I'm sorry you've had to wait so long for a review of this one. Have you been posting it on some review forums? You have to get your work out there to be seen, you know.
This is pretty good and I did enjoy it. The tone reminded me of an old detective series and you handled it well. I like the idea of a woman detective. A great trick to hook the reader.
The mystery is intriquing and you're pulling the reader along with humor and curiosity. The end of the chapter seems to point to an obvious suspect and it would cause me to turn the page.
Hit the enter key after each paragraph to leave some space. It would be much easier to read. Long work in solid blocks of text is intimidating and readers are apt to pass them by for an easier read.
The setting is good and clear, the characters are being developed well and the plot is set. You're doing a good job. It was an enjoyable read.
The our casting director took a trip to Hollywood and saw Todd in a show out there. He came straight back and demoted Monty to second chair! Can you imagine?”
Thanks for asking me to read this one. You're right, it is sweet.
The words are chosen well to show the emotion; I can feel the intense pride of this friendship. The message is clear and easily understood.
I wonder if you've ever tried writing in prose form, paragraphs? It is less restrictive and allows the reader to follow the content instead of trying to find a rhythm that isn't meant to be there. You could search the prose genre and study a few to see if you might like to try it. This piece would work wonderfully.
Your opening is interesting and begins with action. Good choice.
I noticed a few things for you. Remember, they are only one readers opinion and its always your decision to change or not change anything.
Blood splashed the wood of the bar's floor,
This gives a visual of a bucket of blood. I don't think he would have enough to 'splash', maybe drip?
landing with his fast slammed down on the nearest table to hold his
Spelling is --fist--
the image of a man kissing the women beside
womEn is more than one. Unless he was kissing more than one, you need -womAn--here. woman.
A tear strolled down his face because of the nerve that the image struck,
This is a good, emotional line and shows his mood. I like it.
--strolled--doesn't sound quite right to me. --rolled--would work though.
realizing how young the 'women' must be,
--woman--I can't figure out why you have the quote marks around this word. More details are needed to show what is meant.
He grimaced, and shut his eyes tight as he came to the only source of light in the room, a moonlit window.
Was the moonlight so unusually bright that it actually hurt his eyes?
and he reached her face. Though shadows concealed most of her features, he could see the almond shape of her eyes and the frowning pucker her lips made.
Her eyes were on him, but he passed over hers, so not to surprise her,
It doesn't seem credible to this reader that he could see her eyes and lips in the dim light. Are they very close?
He slid first on leg up,
Typo of --one--
and did the exact same, but put her lets down and
Typo of --legs--
towards the door. He opened it and was knocked backwards as sound, and light hit his senses fully.
I like the imagery of this scene. It's good and clear. You don't need the comma after --- --sound-
I wondered why he opened the door without knowing more about who was behind it, though. He was almost killed earlier, why isn't he more cautious?
"You,shoul see for your own,
Is this a typo or her dialect? If it's a typo, --should-- is correct. If it's showing her speech pattern, it is distracting. You don't need the comma after -you-
By the end of this chapter, I still haven't learned anything about the story. There is apparently a war going on. Nothing else has been introduced so I don't know if I would continue to read or not. How did he get moved and who moved him to the -hospital-?
He opened it and was knocked backwards as sound, and light hit his senses fully.
This last line is just intriquing enough to make me turn the page. I want to know where he is, but most of all, I want to know who he is. A good hook.
A good, exciting opening! It's going to be a descriptive piece, I think. Blood and gore.
The smell was the first thing that penetrated Mick Kellman’s mind.
I think a more descriptive odor is needed here. The meat wouldn't be rotting yet, would it? Perhaps a more sweet, rather than putrid?
two rookies were setting up police tape
This caught my attention as earlier it was suggested this was an accident. Why is it being treated as a crime scene at this point?
Tracy Ostter walked up to the two, a scowl stuck on to her withered old face.
Whoa! Good description. This woman is not respected!
The two police watched her bitterly as she climbed
--policemen-- I noticed this a time or two more, too.
rolling his eyes. “Your so predictable.”
“Geeze, your just a kid!”
This should be --you're-- for --you are-- Read it back to yourself. If 'you are' works, then -you're--is the word.
You know your facts. Can you tell me which car belonged to the victims?” ----Carter beamed and nodded.
He was told by the withered faced hag which car belonged to them. Is he just testing these rookies?
By placing the second line alongside the dialogue, it appears that Carter asked the question. Give each speaker their own line. It helps with clarity.
Once they were alone, Charlie confronted Mick, “What the hell was that?” Mick looked at him calmly.
Another example of why they each need their own line. It isn't readily clear who spoke these words. If a reader has to stop and figure it out, they lose interest in the story.
are you gonna help me open this sucker, or am I gonna have to call them back here?”
He motioned towards the, now open, trunk of the car
Did the Rookie close it again before he stomped off? What happened here?
You've a good beginning, though Mick may be overacting a bit. He's a cannon, about to explode, and not very liked by his fellows. He's going to cause trouble or be the hero, I can't tell yet. He's coming along good.
I read your story with interest and the theme is clear. It's a well-known story written with your own creativity. I found the basic problems of spelling and punctuation to slow the reading down considerably. If you use a Word program be sure to turn on spelling and grammar corrections as you type. They will leave colored, squiggly lines under the words that need correcting. They are a good, handy tool for writers.
life she was one of thoughs
I saw this a couple of times. The spelling in this case is --those--
ring ring
christine looked at her phone here face looked pale and she ansered in a worryed voice
I suggest not using the two words like this. Instead, you could just say that --Christine heard her phone and... Or, the phone rang and christine went pale... -Or - Whatever you think best to show her.
Are you going to be adding on to this or is it only a short practice piece? Practicing is very important and I hope that's what this one is. I can feel her relunctance to choose between the two, and that shows me you've handled the emotion pretty well.
Keep writing. Every story is practice until we've published it you know.
Hit the enter key after each para to leave a space between each of them. The page will look cleaner and it will be easier to read.
You've a pretty good beginning. It immediately pulls the reader into a tense situation and raises the hair on the back of the neck. I think it only needs tightening to hold the tension tight. Stick to the subject at hand and don't let the readers thoughts wander around too much.
Walking down the steep uneven steps,smells of old newspaper and iron rush on a collision course for my brain. Chains hang from the long steel pipes over head
I think cutting the bolded would help the scene. It's a good image, but doesn't improve the tension. Readers will know he walked down steps.
The area in blue is very good.
The only sounds are creek and moans from the pipes and the rattle of
Spelling is --creak--or --creaks--- try putting the word --the-in front of it.
and the air is still and dead.
If there is no movement of the air, why do the chains move?
I re-read it, you know, just to make sure.
Speaking directly to the reader like this, is usually not a good idea. It can be done though.
Seeing a chair I decide to take her advise
This word is --advice--
without sleep and my eyes look like I just got the s*** kicked out of me and feel even worse.
He can't know what his eyes look like unless he has a mirror. Just include this in the 'feeling' and it'll work well.
suddenly something could and hard hit’s the back of
Spelling/typo of --cold--
If you haven’t figured it out yet, this is my “don’t try this at home,” pre-show warning.
And just so you know, your life doesn’t flash before your eyes when you die. You just don’t have that kind of time. Say you get hit by a train or a piano falls on you, well then your life has no time to flash. But when the circulation in your hands cut off you start to think.
Speaking directly to the reader. If this is the style you wanted, ignore me. You're doing it well, it's just a little distracting to this reader.
The line about the flash caused me to think he was about to be killed at that moment. Since he wasn't, this is confusing because it's something he wouldn't know. He can't say it doesn't happen through experience.
the back of my head and once again I am asleep.
He wasn't asleep. He was knocked out, down - on the floor. Even 'seeing stars' would fit his speech pattern. Show it clearly.
When you’ve been hanging from a chain by your arms for and hour they kind of start to sting. Not to mention the crack in my skull that is steadily
This character is being developed with a tough sense of humor. I get the feeling that he will be able to take care of himself, I hope so. I like strong characters.
Right now though, I see him as young and small. A teen? I can see his situation very clearly, but I can't see him.
This is the fifth day I’ve gone without sleep
A little explanation for this would make it stronger. It's important to the story. Has he been partying?
My knees lay on the floor
An odd image. It shows his knees laying over there. Reword it to show him kneeling, or raised just enough to allow his knees to touch the floor. Make the image clear.
The story begins well and I would read on just to see what happens. I wouldn't read far though unless you keep dropping little problems for him to solve to pull me along. The side trips of getting hit by trains slow the read too much, and take away from the tension at hand. It's a good draft though. Write the story and then come back to delete all the extra words that tell instead of show. It'll be great.
I found your quiz on the public review page and glad I did. It was very revealing.
I was disappointed though to take it and then not be able to see the results of others. That's half the fun of taking these, you know. Is it even possible? I've not taken a quiz before. lol
It seems like you are the evil incarnate.
The results are in....you are evil.
You scored 5 out of 35 (%).
Where does a score of 5 sit among the good guys? Did I win?
It was fun even though you had a typo or two, and no results to compare.
If you did't rate because you weren't sure, it can be rated 13+ with an E Intro. Do that in Edit. You'll get more readers if they can find you on the lists.
City folks and regulars to,
This is the only typo I noticed. --too--
The imagery is good and I enjoyed the story. It sounds like it would be a good theme for a short story. You've done a good job, I hope you keep practicing. I look forward to reading more of your work.
This is very good. The story does everthing you intended to do I think. The emotion is sad, but 'hanging in there' hopeful. The scene is clearly described and understood. The storm ties it all up nicely. It's realism makes it easy to relate to.
I noticed no distractions or bumps, you're good. I assume this was inspired by a prompt and you handled it well.
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