Hello, teihzbael
I found your request for feedback on "Invalid Item"
I have written it as children's literature not as a picture book.
It's a pretty good beginning, but it's theme and story strongly lean toward picture book style. Is it a Read Aloud for parents to read to their non-reading age children? Some of the word choices and subtle jokes and inferences are too deep for young children to understand, but parents will get them. I will point out a couple below. Knowing the age of the intended reading and/or listening audience would help this reviewer. I have to presume the average age to be five, since the character is.
Sunlight through the window woke Mathew the morning of his birthday.
The first line is among the most important and needs to hook the reader at once. This sounds awkward to my ears that writing more simply would make clearer, I think. Maybe placing Mathew first, instead of sunlight would bring him to action quicker.
Usually not a happy person just out of sleep, the excitement of turning five forced him out of his bed.
The bolded phrase isn't needed to help introduce the boy. It doesn't move the story along and could be cut.
--forced--is a negative word, and he is happy to get up, not forced. The opening lines are wordy and causes the images to dim. I think using action will bring the scene to life.
An example: -- The excitement of turning five woke Mathew and he jumped out of his bed.-- This is not worded too well, but it'll give you an idea of what I mean. Make something like this the opening and keep it moving by cutting anything extraneous that really doesn't apply to him or the story.
Stretching the joints in his thin body,
This is a good image but do four year olds stretch upon awakening? I've seen a lot of them and they always wake up ready to go.
he looked for his clothes. He knew what he was going to wear already.
tossed them on his floor.
These are extra and could be cut to reduce wordiness. His clothes are mentioned five times in quick succession and makes them more important than they actually are.
Dressing as fast as he could, Mathew had his clothes on and his shoes tied within a few, short minutes.
This is enough and it's good, simple and clear. Kids will understand it.
She began to walk down the hall away from him.
The bolded area could be cut safely because it's already been established they are in the hall. Wordy.
“She doesn’t mom.”
Commas before a person's name, and capitalize when used as a name. --"She doesn't, Mom." There is another instance of this with the word --honey--,Honey."
Mathew got a glass from the cabinet and started filling it with milk from an open jug on the table.
This is difficult for me, as a Mom. The boy barely turned five. Did he use a step-stool to reach the glass? Is the jug light enough for him to handle safely?
His father, a man of medium build with dirty blonde hair, said as he entered the kitchen through a second doorway.
This extra information is slowing the story down and children are going to become bored. They won't know what 'medium build or dirty blond' means. They will be distracted if they are told his hair is dirty. Cutting will help tighten and allow the story to progess faster. Important for kids who are sitting still.
“Well, let’s hear it then.” His dad jumped into an open seat.
Kids are going to see this image as a man jumping onto a chair.
He drank from the cup then went back to the pancakes.
--glass--
“I guess that’s a start then.” His dad laughed.
This is one of the subtleties I was speaking of above. This age won't know why dad laughed at these words.
“Take your time Mathew. --time, Mathew--
truck got moving across the yard and onto the sidewalk. His dad rushed forward to keep up as they started down the block.
No safety lessons? How did he know how to keep it going straight?
Mathew turned the truck off and got out next to the little girl on her lawn.
These extra words aren't necessary.
“I can get your cat down. It will take only a minute or so.” Smiling with certainty, Mathew stood straight and announced his intentions.
The whole bolded sentence should be before the first; because the way it is, he has already 'announced'. Just switch them and it will work.
The bolded --or so--is too grown up for a child his age.
“I’m okay.” He reached out and closed his hands around the kitten.
Scary! Both hands? Didn't he hold on to a limb with one? When the cat's claws gripped him he would naturally jerk away and perhaps fall.
Mathew started down the tree once again with much more caution and at a slower pace than he had climbed it.
I suggest cutting the bolded words because this is his first time down. ---- --Once again-- makes it sound like he'd started once and stopped.
The backyard was large, freshly cut and crowded with three trees and a blue and red swing set.
I wondered what the bolded words referred to, kids will too. --grass--or the yard?-- I don't know if the audience could naturally know you meant 'cut grass'
he caught glimpse of a tall, black pit sitting on the brick porch with bits of flame licking at its edges.
A word is missing in the first bolded phrase. --caught a glimpse--
I suggest you describe the -pit--accurately . The word used by itself means a hole in something. This is obviously a bar-b-que pit, (to an adult) but kids won't be able to see it. Also, if it is clear, most kids will know what a goof he has made and it will be funnier to them.
Along the same line, hasn't he ever seen a bar-b-que pit while it's lit?
dangerous enough that to cause serious problems if it was left unchecked.
An extra word to be cut out. These are the thoughts of an adult and I'm finding it difficult to follow the child when an adult keeps telling me what is happening. Can you remove the adult completely and let the child show and tell by himself?
“Mathew,” his dad’s voice called when he entered the driveway where the fire truck sat. “wait for me.”
This is wordy and overtelling. I think readers will know where he is.
Silenced followed their entrance;
Silence
a long silence that hung in the air and made the room tense and uncomfortable.
This is a good indication of trouble for kids, but I don't think Mathew was worried. He only continued his game by writing in the pad.
Haleigh started laughing, but was silenced quickly by a strict glare from her mom. Good image!
“Sorry about all the trouble, but I’ll get it all settled.” He added.
Try to avoid repeats that aren't necessary because you don't want readers to notice individual words. Read the line without the bolded words and decide for yourself if they can be removed without changing the meaning.
Mathew thought for a moment, his sister’s words spinning around in his head. He made his decision at that moment and, as he returned to the house, he could hear his parents laughing.
A navy blue police car pulled into the driveway
turned to the porch where Mathew stood watching. He motioned for him to go into the house. “We’ll talk inside Mathew.”
It isn't clear that Mathew actually went inside the house and came back out. It appears as if he reached the porch and stayed there, watching. I wonder if hearing him on the phone would appeal to your young audience? They need to know everything Mathew does while he is doing it to stay involved in the story. They are too young to 'figure it out for themselves' as adults can. I think hearing him dial 911 and hear his dialogue would excite them and worry about his future more.
You had another policeman come to investigate an incident about us stealing a car.” His dad tried to remain calm.
His dad is still playing the game, isn't he? A good place to teach the difference between pretending and reality. I expected to hear an explanation of 'a steal'.
“Well, I couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen. He was serious. “Even for my mom and dad.”
This is too adult, not credible for a child.
“but you didn’t have the story right. You have to make sure. You have to use a little caution.”
A good place for the explanation. Mathew, nor the young audience will ever know what really happened here.
“Why don’t you get a bath. Your mom is going to make a special supper for you tonight.” His dad hugged him before he went to get his bath.
You might re-word this line to make it clear who 'went to get his bath' Actually, the line could be cut. His dad could place his arm on Mathew's shoulder while he suggests the bath if it's necessary. That would 'show' the hug and avoid the extra 'telling'.
Why is he taking a bath now? He only went around the block. Removing this would help tighten the story as a whole.
After he told his mother that he wanted to be a cook, she agreed to let him help her with cook dinner.
An extra word to be cut.
He chose to make a spaghetti based meal with a very unique sauce he knew would please everyone.
It had been put in the freezer afterward and to allow to set.
Cut the extra words. 'and to allow'
This is adult interference again. Children don't think this way, and they won't understand what this means. Keep it simple and make it funny by showing what he actully put into the pot. Why did it taste so bad? What did his sister see in her plate? Gross it up and show it clearly - make the readers sick. It's a good scene to really pull the little guys in and get their imaginations going.
“Very good Mathew. I just had to get it down.” His dad spoke next, explaining why his bowl had been emptied so quick.
What happened to dad's food? He couldn't have put it back into the pot because Mathew never left the table. Did he eat it? It isn't clear. The list of ingredients doesn't sound bad to me, so I want to know what made it so terrible. This is the best scene in the story, but you'll have to think like a child.
Summation
I think the main problem is not allowing the writer in you to think and act like a real child. Cut out the narrative of the adults and let Mathew have the adventures and get himself out of them. By keeping mom and dad in every line, it does become a Dick and Jane picture book, and you said you don't want that. Mathew didn't learn or change anything about himself at the end. He was allowed to end his day as he began it, without any real problem. Children love to hear about kids who dare to do things they are afraid to do. Now, if he added a can of sardines to the noodles I would really see them becoming ill. Keeping mother in the kitchen to supervise will limit his imagination though. He'd have to do it alone to be credible. Let him have the kitchen despite the safety issues. Kids will love it.
Again, it's a good idea and the outlines of these three adventures are good starter points. A book for kids has little room for adults IMO. I know this is a pretty rough bit of feedback, but since you stated in your request, I have written it as children's literature not as a picture book. I believe I've explained my suggestions as well as I can. I hope it helps you, that is my only intent.
esprit
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