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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Jaded

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I chose this one to read because the brief description caught my attention. It's a great hook if you want to catch the attention of reviewers. *Delight*

I like the basic message, lines running into lines is a true statement. lol

The only spelling issue I noticed was in the brief description and once in the content.

my thoughts on writtings and reviews!
ou write your own writtings --writings--

heart,
the others you delete as if they had never been started.

Some of your word choices rhyme, but most don't; such as these two. As poetry, it lacks rhythm and rhyme. The lines aren't reading as smoothly as they could. Your thoughts are clear, so it's only a matter of syllable counts to hit the rhythm, and work on the rhyme.

I think this would work remarkably well if formatted as prose, in paragraph form. The issues I mentioned can be handled easily if changed to prose because you'd have more freedom. Prose is as beautiful as a poem. IMO.


You get bad and good reviews and some you take to heart,
the others you delete as if they had never been started.


No! You actually delete the reviews that offer critical suggestions? The ones reviewers worked on to help you? *Smile* (I'm joking.) kinda...


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I enjoyed the read.


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Review of Runner - O Alvo  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Orwin

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Though I can't read your work, I do want to welcome you. I don't like to see any work go unnoticed. *Smile* I suggest you use the brief descripton to tell your readers the language this is written in, it will attract those who read it. I expected an English written piece and those that can read it won't know it's here, so using english there doesn't help.

Also, use some review forums and specify the language. We have members from across the globe and you can be pretty sure some will know this one. *Smile*

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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, karebare506

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The opening is excellent! It catches and holds the readers attention with the hook of horror well imaged. Sure to keep readers turning the pages if the hooks stay consistent. Well done!

Here are some things I noticed.

and had no tattoo’s making her skin looked to be smooth as milk.

The structure is awkward and difficult to understand. Maybe taking out the reference to tattoo's would help. Since there aren't any, there's no need in mentioning them, is there? --making-- and --looked--are bumpy. I suggest rewording to smooth and make clear.


It is wrong. Your client murdered this sixteen year old!”,
“That is not needed, Noah.”
I am not ten anymore
“Well, it is still mine.

This is too formal for the agitation I feel in their words. People don't yell with full sentences, they speak in contractions. I think loosening would allow the emotion to come through better.
--it's--that's--and so on. It'd be more realistic. Good dialogue otherwise.


“Your right, he did slip a drug into her drink
--You're--for --you are--


Ultimatly, her death was an accident.”
Ultimately


The one that he held in his hands at that moment would be shown to the whole courtroom

I suggest cutting one of these to avoid wordiness, probably the first. These little words have a habit of appearing for no known reason and can usually be eliminated. Read it aloud and decide for yourself.


I want to be partner in a firm.
Without a big publicized case like this one then I won’t get partner.

A word is missing in both these phrases. The second line may be intended to say, --get a partnership--?


Remember our dream? Me, you and dad taking over the law firm.”

This line raised a question. Are they going after a coup on a firm where they are employed, or are they going to start their own? If their own, why do they need this case in particular? Unless they want the reputation of being attorneys for the 'bad guys'. The question may be answered in following chapters, it needs to be.


Once your out of law school it will the same for you too.
--you're--


Noah stood up from the table. He slammed his strong hands down onto table, making some of the pictures wisp onto the floor.

Good imagery and showing of anger!


He never looked back

Good ending line. I'm developing respect for this character.


The begining of the love that happens between Samantha, Noah, and Jesse.

The brief description doesn't apply to this prologue because this doesn't happen here. Sometimes just using a good line from the content works well. For instance; Noah dropped the picture onto the table and turned his back to his family. This one looks good to me and it causes enough curiosity to begin reading. Suit yourself of course, as always.


She laid naked on the ground --lay--

The teenager had to have been someone’s daughter, sister, girlfriend.

This is obvious information and to add the bolded words only adds wordiness that slows it down. I suggest tightening by trimming.


This is a good beginning. The plot is hinted at, (I think) and the break-up of the family. The relationship is shown between them, and the main character's values are introduced.

The rate is for an unfinished draft, it will go higher as the work progesses. I truly liked the storyline.

Be sure and take advantage of the many review forums for lots of feedback.
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Review of Idaris  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Gemini Thunder

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Good work! I think you've done a great job with this difficult task. A complete story in 300 words and I felt the ending was a good, satisfactory conclusion. Nothing is left out.

Descriptions are clear, dialogue believable, and narrated well.
No typos.

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Good luck in the contest!


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Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hello, Chad Simons

Welcome to Writing.Com!
You said:
It was formatted in Word please ignore formatting issues.

You should fix the spaces after posting. Just go in and delete them. Otherwise, the formatting is good.

This is beginning well. It's caught my interest with the hooks you've placed all along.

I noticed quite a few things so I assume this is the first draft - my specialty. *Delight*

As for the title, write now, I have no clue what it means, it was the title that popped into my head.

From your paragraph of introduction. Did the title begin as 'Write Now'? Or did you mean --right-- now, referring to the current title?


First installment of Minus One.
Jade
Welcome to the town of Jade,


While you're in Edit, place a space between the subtitle and first line wherever there isn’t one.


through Jade, the don't stop. It's not because A typo of –they–

and the few children at the school in the next town over,

Make the line clearer by using the word –were–out of town.


his birth certificate to proves that he's not too old for

Cut the -s- --prove–


That's why I was surprised to hear the name again over the phone again.

I suggest cutting the first use of this word to avoid unnecessary repeating.


I try not to embarrass them in class anymore, though, but sometimes it's so hard not to.

Using two connectors together bog down the flow of the words. I suggest cutting one.


that's why I thought today would go off without a hitch and didn't put up a good fight going to school today. I was positive Mr. Wiley would have told is relative about me and about
I suggest cutting the first two and the third is only a typo of –his–


Minus One 4
my real age.


Notice the line ends on the next page? This is an issue called Widows and Orphans and is discouraged. Pull the line down so it stays on the same page. Widows and orphans refer to lines, or sentence fragments, isolated at the tops or bottom of pages or columns.


Eden is a little bit bigger than Jade
there is only one school for grades Kindergarten through 12.

like always, I'm sitting here in Principle McGavin's office waiting for my father, again.
"Son, I don't know why you're being so stubborn." Mr. McGavin said, "Just tell us you're real age and we'll get you in the right class."

A typo of –your–
By saying he's sitting in McGavin's office again, it appears McGavin is not new.


Ask the previous principal, she'll tell you as well." Will she still be at the school? Available?

You would think with this being the only school I've attended since Kindergarten, the teachers and principles would have realized that I'm not lying about my age by now. However, I know the principles change here every year,

This is the same question I’ve been asking myself. Just because the principals change doesn’t explain it. The teachers are the same and they will know. The school is small and it isn’t credible everyone wouldn’t know about this. Every year.


Principal and principle are often confused.
I know the principles change here every year,

Are the teachers included here? He had one teacher in third grade that was still there until now. This isn’t clear if it’s meant as principles or principals.


There went that idea and I spent the rest of the day in the Principle's office waiting for my father

Good line! It made me laugh to see his relaxed attitude about this.


His hands were tied behind his back to the chair and his feet, each tied to the legs of the chair.

I think rewriting this to make it smoother is needed. It’s a bit convuluted.


Loompa walked up to the man an removed the gag from his mouth. A typo of –and–

Surprisingly, the man didn't try and scream this time.
Try the word –to–scream and decide if it sounds better.


We cut all family ties when we agree to come here, remember?"
The overseers monitor everything we do.


A good job of introducing a bit of mystery. A good hook to keep the readers reading.


Just then, another shadow walked into the room.
Try to cut these words. They don’t help the line and too many of these cause wordiness.


I can't imagine how it feels to go through this every year at school.

These are extra too. Not needed for clarity.


I think I almost passed out from the pain that went shooting all of the way up my arm and into my shoulder.

Trim and tighten the lines. Read this line aloud leaving out the bolded words. Does it give the same information, is it clear enough?


"You're son's quite the prankster, Mr. Johnson. –Typo of –Your–

Mr. McGavin's face grew extremely red with anger, as if he thought I was playing the same prank that Gabe was.

This is telling the reader, making sure they understand and it shouldn’t be necessary. Try to cut.

"MR. JOHNSON!" the stern Principle yelled.

Again, this is telling. The exclamation point shows yelling, and readers are already aware the principal is speaking so the name tag isn’t needed here.


and I noticed that he was chuckling quietly, so I whispered "Behave"

I like this, it shows their relationship well.


As we reached the classroom, I noticed two things were different.
His pupils were so black that it looked like he didn't have pupils at all, just holes.
I was too scared to mount a defense, or to say anything at all

I think you meant –--mouth–


I just nodded and took a seat at the back of the classroom. Normally, I sit at the front of the classroom, but this time, I sat in the furthest seat back.

Both of these phrases are saying the same thing. It’s not necessary to repeat, especially this close together. Take one out.


The rest of the day went by like a blur, and I don't remember too much about it, only that I was glad it was over,

This is saying the same thing twice too. Both of these phrases mean the same. Trim and tighten.


and was even happier when my dad arrived to pick me up from school.

Readers already know he’s at school. This can be cut - it’s obvious info.


Mr. Marison is a real doozy." I blurted out again without thinking.

This is the second reference to speaking without thinking and it caused me to stop and wonder. Are the kids trained to always think before they speak? Something to do with being monitored? Gosh, I wish it were that way now.
*Delight*

"I thought the card we got in the mail said your teacher was Mrs. Wiley. She's the one who called me
That's why I was surprised to hear the name again over the phone again.

Cut the first use of –again–, it sounds awkward.

If he’s received this card, why was he surprised with the name and genre? This is an inconsistency.


In the same dark corner as the tall, older man sat tied to the chair sat another figure tied to a chair.

The bolded could be cut to avoid wordiness and an awkward line.


"Why are you here?" the small, dumpy man named Gren

I intended to advise against using this description again because it was becoming annoying to read the same thing too many times. You stopped here though, good.
*Delight*

The looming shadowy figured entered again and even Gren –figure–

"Gamble?" the blonde cried. "What have you done with him?

This is overreaction from her.
My uncle used to be like me until he was transformed by your evil ways." the blonde replied.

"Yeah, right. Gamble was never like you. He came to us willingly.

Gren only replied to something she already knew. Gample was transformed. I don’t see anything said to cause this reaction from her.

I can’t identify the characters by their voices because they all sound the same. Work on giving them each their own personalities and quirks to help.

I am wondering what the boy’s appearance means to the story, I know it must play a big part.
It isn’t credible that he would have to prove his age every year in a small school. What about his records, don’t they have a copy of the birth certificate on file?

It’s a good beginning draft and it’s caused me to want to turn the page. You’re doing a good job. Some edit as they go and some write the story first, you’ll find the best way for you.

Be sure and take advantage of the many review forums for lots of feedback.
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The rate shows an above average story still in draft stage. It's going to be good.

Well done!

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Review of Hidden Depths  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, stillwaters

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review

This is well written and it reads smoothly to me. I could see most of the imagery as I read. The message I got was the deterioration of the environment.

I'm pointing out a couple of things that distracted me as a reader.

A place baron,
At times flourish, at times baron

Spelling issue. --barren--


I call, call to the once close
But, they do not hear


I don't know what this refers to. I can't relate --once close--to --they---because I don't know who 'they' are.


Chosen words are heard as they drift in and out
Like the tide that comes and goes


You have some wonderful lines in this piece. I especially like these.


A dim light.
Within the light so strong the controlling sea allows
The shards to transmit to points and places it wants

Dim light - strong light. I think clarity is needed to allow the reader to understand the contradiction.

The ending phrase - it wants - is an awkward image. To places the 'sea' wants, or places the light wants?


The bottom of the sea
At times flourish, at times baron

Should this be --flourishes--or --flourishing--?


Changing constantly within different streams

And so along this path travelled within this strange landscape
The bottom of the sea

The setting is not easy to find. At first I saw the barren 'landscape' very clearly. It was land with no grass. Should I have seen the bottom of the sea instead? Perhaps if you changed the word to 'seascape' it would help with the imagery. Just a thought.


Changing constantly within different streams
Different flows of thought, of being, of me.


I like this one!
*Delight*

The coolness of the nightlife leaves me and I enter the day

I don't know what this is referring to.


I'm reviewing this as a reader only, not a poet. It is basically good. You've some great lines and imagery here, the problem is keeping the images consistently clear in the mind of the reader. Its potential is great.


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Review of The Dungeon  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, chillybutnice

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review

This is an interesting piece, and the descriptions are well done. I could clearly see the path she took. Good work. I didn't feel any fear from her though; no threatning shadows, or thoughts, and so on, so the emotion of fear is absent.

I found several spelling issues I will highlight for you. And I found one question that bothers my grasp of the basic theme of horror/scary.

was usually gaurded by pillars of beach chairs
untill called upon every other weekend during
just out of reach making it and even more traumatic chore.
unsuspecting curuios and
medevil prison
medieval

I would have to go through the house with only a towel.
Our house was never empty,


It isn't explained why she 'had' to undress upstairs, especially knowing the house is never empty. I can't tie this bit of info into the scary basement bit.


It's a good memory writing and they are wonderful to practice your writing with, because you know the subject well. I enjoyed the read.


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Review of R U COMING?  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Memory

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review

I found nothing wrong with this piece, it seems to have everything in place and working well. The emotions are sadness and happiness, and both are seen and felt from both characters clearly. Both characters are described excellently. Good job!

I don't think it's necessary to know what caused their separation, the reunion is the main theme. Though if you decide to expand it, you've a good opportunity to show their issues. It gives you something to work with.

He reached for his cell phone hat was vibrating against

A typo.


It chilled him to know that it effected her so.

--affected--


I enjoyed the read - it's good.


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Review of Perfection  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Taylor Hartman

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is pretty good. The imagery and emotion are clear and show a sad girl. The theme is understood well.

A few things I noticed:
I believe the rhythm could be more consistent by cutting a few syllables in the longer lines. Some of the words are bogging the smoothness; such as --really and actually. The rhyme is absent in the last three verses, and changed course before that. It isn't consistent.

I wondered what made her change her mind so it doesn't conclude clearly.

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Enjoy the site!


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Review of For A Genius...  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Potus Emeritus

I found this on the Public Review page and decided to read it.

I enjoyed the story, it held my interest through the great descriptions. I could see each action very clearly. Good work with that.

There are a couple of missing words that cause the read to hang up.

They tracked the ball’s progress as I tossed it casually into the air, rotating slowly with a subtle backspin

I did a double-take with this line. Make it clear the ball is rotating, not the character. --rotating it slowly--


Their lips, like their legs, were frozen. They looked at each other, silently questioning why the person next to them had not gone for the ball.

I don't get why they 'all' just stood there, it doesn't make sense to me. The whole team? They are aware of his fast serves, why weren't they ready? Credibility issue.


“She definitely waxes bombastic at time, but it was a decent novel.”

Typo of --times--


“I’m just saying that you sell your sunglasses, buddy. You’re going to be in my shadow for many years to come.”

This caused a bump and I had to read again. --you can sell--would smooth it. He speaks so formally at times that this casual dialogue became more noticeable to me.


and I headed across the parking lot to my vehicle.

An example of formal. It sounds like a report is being given. Is there a reason --car--or even the type of car, isn't used? my Corvette, my Yugo, my ride, my car? Vehicle doesn't sound like a 17 year-old. (to me)


I threw my bag in the trunk and entered my car to leave.

This is obvious and doesn't need to be listed. and jumped into the driver's seat--got into the car--etc. Loosen the language. Readers will know he's leaving. There is no need to tell them.


I slammed on brakes and was thrown into my steering wheel and struck my head onto the

A missing word --the--brakes.


but this had felt more like a herd of deer—something bigger than an animal.

This is a difficult scene to crit, but would the impact feel like this? I've heard others report they felt only a small bump and they weren't aware of hitting anything. Is there more to be told?


and my left eye was blinded by a trickle of crimson liquid. The blood from my forehead mixed with the unstoppable tears that had begun pouring from my eyes.

This area is so busy it loses its emotion through all the different images the reader sees. I suggest tightening it to keep the tension high. The bolded words could be cut easily to avoid the wordiness.

for example: --and my eyes were blinded by the blood from my forehead mixing with the unstoppable tears...--


had
Read through and remove each --had--that you can. Sometimes you'll need it, sometimes you won't. You decide if it reads better with or without. Most times you'll find you don't need it. It will bog the read down when it's not needed. You'll feel it.


“Way to suck, Timmy!”

I suppose this is a natural thing to say, but it felt so wrong to me, especially when they all had 'froze' before. And again, with the brother thinking ‘Screw the others for your own ego’? That’s crap.”
It surprised me. It isn't wrong, I just wanted to mention it.


It's good. It's short and could be expanded to show how the main character dealt with his guilt. The potential for another chapter is there.

Well done!



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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Ranjan

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review
Inviting critcal and brutal review .....

I was quite prepared to review this as you requested, but I'm afraid it's too short. It's written well, though. *Smile*

The sound of silence was intercepted by the gallop of the horse as it paved its way on the winding path of the hillock.

A good opening line to catch the attention of the reader. -intercepted- is very poetic. I like the use here.


In the pitched darkness of the night,
This is an unusual way of wording this. It is commonly said as --pitch dark--- Again, it has a poetic tone.



from her breech,

You must have meant -- breeches--? Are you referring to 'pants' or something else?


The scene is too short to comment on. It isn't clear if Lotus is Rani of Jhansi, Luxmibaiji, or if they are two characters. It isn't important yet, the next scene will tell us.

It's a good beginning and would catch my interest easily.

The rate is because it doesn't contain any story elements yet. When more is posted, I will read it again and re-rate if you like.



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Review of Remember  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Yorr W. Nightmare

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is good writing. I like the style a lot, even though it isn't for everyone. It isn't easy to keep the story moving with clarity in this style, but you managed it well.

I suggest you do try to cut a few of the --commas- and --and--'s though, just to smooth the lines.

It ricocheted onto the windshield of an exceedingly nice car,

This isn't the correct word used like this. It appears you meant something meaning --extremely--?


hillbilly teeth, and drew his gun from its holster, and turned on the lights.

This is an example where cutting a comma and 'and' would help. The line could end with a period after 'teeth'. New line beginning with --He--. Only a suggestion. In any style, too many 'ands' become cumbersome to read. They become lists and lists aren't fun reading, usually.


He placed the head bowl made of tin foil and copper wire on his head, and held the 2 cords ending in buttons that connected to it, and set the crucial part, the car battery, which was connected to the helmet part by numerous wires, behind him.

Write the numbers in words when they are used like this, --two--
This is a long, convuluted sentence and my suggestions above apply here. Shortening the sentence will make it stronger, because the reader won't get lost.

I like the determination of the character to finish what he started. The ultimate finish was a complete surprise, no hints were given. Good work!

The humor is real, a kind of cliched -(dumb cops) theme, but it was funny. The descriptions are excellent. Good imagery.

The ending is good, but I couldn't figure out if he knows what will happen? --in case something goes terribly wrong' could mean either way. I'm not suggesting it be changed at all, it gives the readers a thought to ponder. I know it will be a sight to see.
*Delight*

I liked it very much, you're a good writer!

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Review of Forever... ch.1  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Rissa

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Wow, this is good! I noticed you didn't have any reviews yet, so I wanted to fix that and welcome you to the site. I'm glad I found your port, you have talent!

The first thing I noticed that is considered a negative is the lack of space between paras. They improve the presentation and make work easier to read. Just go into the edit page and hit the enter key once after each para. Don't forget to Save at the bottom of the page.

The sun was warm and comforting, its rays reflecting off Jason's shoulders.
He was wearing a white, sleeveless shirt and light brown shorts.


The image I got here was light shining from his shoulders. I wonder if 'reflecting' is the best descriptive for this? Since his shoulders are covered with his shirt, it became a bigger bump.


His tan body was illuminated as he moved from the shadow of the garage door into the sun.

I also wondered how the sun rays managed to reach him in the garage. This answered that question well.


I found no spelling or grammar typos. The beginning is good, even though I was distracted by the word --reflected--.

The imagery is well done; that and the emotion bring the chapter to life, as seen on film. Good work. I like the play between the two characters, it's natural and believable. The same with the dialogue.

The characters can be seen clearly; I stayed inside of her head and saw as she saw. The tone is romantic and sweet.

Well done!


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Review of Rules  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, thinkprabhu

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is obviously not intended for a general audience because I don't understand a word of it. *Delight* That's okay.

I wondered why it doesn't have some sort of intro though, to explain the purpose of writing it. It would help readers decide if they wanted more information or not. Are they tips for novice investors? Do you have a website?

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I noticed you used Business for all three choices of genres and that will limit the exposure. If you can find two alternates, it would place this write on all three lists so more people would notice it.


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, teihzbael

I found your request for feedback on "Invalid Item
I have written it as children's literature not as a picture book.

It's a pretty good beginning, but it's theme and story strongly lean toward picture book style. Is it a Read Aloud for parents to read to their non-reading age children? Some of the word choices and subtle jokes and inferences are too deep for young children to understand, but parents will get them. I will point out a couple below. Knowing the age of the intended reading and/or listening audience would help this reviewer. I have to presume the average age to be five, since the character is.

Sunlight through the window woke Mathew the morning of his birthday.

The first line is among the most important and needs to hook the reader at once. This sounds awkward to my ears that writing more simply would make clearer, I think. Maybe placing Mathew first, instead of sunlight would bring him to action quicker.

Usually not a happy person just out of sleep, the excitement of turning five forced him out of his bed.

The bolded phrase isn't needed to help introduce the boy. It doesn't move the story along and could be cut.

--forced--is a negative word, and he is happy to get up, not forced. The opening lines are wordy and causes the images to dim. I think using action will bring the scene to life.

An example: -- The excitement of turning five woke Mathew and he jumped out of his bed.-- This is not worded too well, but it'll give you an idea of what I mean. Make something like this the opening and keep it moving by cutting anything extraneous that really doesn't apply to him or the story.


Stretching the joints in his thin body,

This is a good image but do four year olds stretch upon awakening? I've seen a lot of them and they always wake up ready to go.
*Smile*

he looked for his clothes. He knew what he was going to wear already.
tossed them on his floor.


These are extra and could be cut to reduce wordiness. His clothes are mentioned five times in quick succession and makes them more important than they actually are.


Dressing as fast as he could, Mathew had his clothes on and his shoes tied within a few, short minutes.

This is enough and it's good, simple and clear. Kids will understand it.


She began to walk down the hall away from him.

The bolded area could be cut safely because it's already been established they are in the hall. Wordy.


“She doesn’t mom.”
Commas before a person's name, and capitalize when used as a name. --"She doesn't, Mom." There is another instance of this with the word --honey--,Honey."


Mathew got a glass from the cabinet and started filling it with milk from an open jug on the table.

This is difficult for me, as a Mom. The boy barely turned five. Did he use a step-stool to reach the glass? Is the jug light enough for him to handle safely?


His father, a man of medium build with dirty blonde hair, said as he entered the kitchen through a second doorway.

This extra information is slowing the story down and children are going to become bored. They won't know what 'medium build or dirty blond' means. They will be distracted if they are told his hair is dirty. Cutting will help tighten and allow the story to progess faster. Important for kids who are sitting still.
*Smile*

“Well, let’s hear it then.” His dad jumped into an open seat.

Kids are going to see this image as a man jumping onto a chair.


He drank from the cup then went back to the pancakes.
--glass--


“I guess that’s a start then.” His dad laughed.

This is one of the subtleties I was speaking of above. This age won't know why dad laughed at these words.


“Take your time Mathew. --time, Mathew--

truck got moving across the yard and onto the sidewalk. His dad rushed forward to keep up as they started down the block.

No safety lessons? How did he know how to keep it going straight?


Mathew turned the truck off and got out next to the little girl on her lawn.

These extra words aren't necessary.


“I can get your cat down. It will take only a minute or so.Smiling with certainty, Mathew stood straight and announced his intentions.

The whole bolded sentence should be before the first; because the way it is, he has already 'announced'. Just switch them and it will work.
The bolded --or so--is too grown up for a child his age.


“I’m okay.” He reached out and closed his hands around the kitten.

Scary! Both hands? Didn't he hold on to a limb with one? When the cat's claws gripped him he would naturally jerk away and perhaps fall.


Mathew started down the tree once again with much more caution and at a slower pace than he had climbed it.

I suggest cutting the bolded words because this is his first time down. ---- --Once again-- makes it sound like he'd started once and stopped.


The backyard was large, freshly cut and crowded with three trees and a blue and red swing set.

I wondered what the bolded words referred to, kids will too. --grass--or the yard?-- I don't know if the audience could naturally know you meant 'cut grass'


he caught glimpse of a tall, black pit sitting on the brick porch with bits of flame licking at its edges.

A word is missing in the first bolded phrase. --caught a glimpse--

I suggest you describe the -pit--accurately . The word used by itself means a hole in something. This is obviously a bar-b-que pit, (to an adult) but kids won't be able to see it. Also, if it is clear, most kids will know what a goof he has made and it will be funnier to them.

Along the same line, hasn't he ever seen a bar-b-que pit while it's lit?


dangerous enough that to cause serious problems if it was left unchecked.

An extra word to be cut out. These are the thoughts of an adult and I'm finding it difficult to follow the child when an adult keeps telling me what is happening. Can you remove the adult completely and let the child show and tell by himself?


“Mathew,” his dad’s voice called when he entered the driveway where the fire truck sat. “wait for me.”

This is wordy and overtelling. I think readers will know where he is.


Silenced followed their entrance;
Silence


a long silence that hung in the air and made the room tense and uncomfortable.

This is a good indication of trouble for kids, but I don't think Mathew was worried. He only continued his game by writing in the pad.


Haleigh started laughing, but was silenced quickly by a strict glare from her mom. Good image!

“Sorry about all the trouble, but I’ll get it all settled.” He added.

Try to avoid repeats that aren't necessary because you don't want readers to notice individual words. Read the line without the bolded words and decide for yourself if they can be removed without changing the meaning.


Mathew thought for a moment, his sister’s words spinning around in his head. He made his decision at that moment and, as he returned to the house, he could hear his parents laughing.
A navy blue police car pulled into the driveway
turned to the porch where Mathew stood watching. He motioned for him to go into the house. “We’ll talk inside Mathew.”


It isn't clear that Mathew actually went inside the house and came back out. It appears as if he reached the porch and stayed there, watching. I wonder if hearing him on the phone would appeal to your young audience? They need to know everything Mathew does while he is doing it to stay involved in the story. They are too young to 'figure it out for themselves' as adults can. I think hearing him dial 911 and hear his dialogue would excite them and worry about his future more.
*Smile*

You had another policeman come to investigate an incident about us stealing a car.” His dad tried to remain calm.

His dad is still playing the game, isn't he? A good place to teach the difference between pretending and reality. I expected to hear an explanation of 'a steal'.


“Well, I couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen. He was serious. “Even for my mom and dad.”

This is too adult, not credible for a child.


“but you didn’t have the story right. You have to make sure. You have to use a little caution.”

A good place for the explanation. Mathew, nor the young audience will ever know what really happened here.


“Why don’t you get a bath. Your mom is going to make a special supper for you tonight.” His dad hugged him before he went to get his bath.

You might re-word this line to make it clear who 'went to get his bath' Actually, the line could be cut. His dad could place his arm on Mathew's shoulder while he suggests the bath if it's necessary. That would 'show' the hug and avoid the extra 'telling'.

Why is he taking a bath now? He only went around the block. Removing this would help tighten the story as a whole.


After he told his mother that he wanted to be a cook, she agreed to let him help her with cook dinner.

An extra word to be cut.


He chose to make a spaghetti based meal with a very unique sauce he knew would please everyone.

It had been put in the freezer afterward and to allow to set.

Cut the extra words. 'and to allow'

This is adult interference again. Children don't think this way, and they won't understand what this means. Keep it simple and make it funny by showing what he actully put into the pot. Why did it taste so bad? What did his sister see in her plate? Gross it up and show it clearly - make the readers sick. It's a good scene to really pull the little guys in and get their imaginations going.


“Very good Mathew. I just had to get it down.” His dad spoke next, explaining why his bowl had been emptied so quick.

What happened to dad's food? He couldn't have put it back into the pot because Mathew never left the table. Did he eat it? It isn't clear. The list of ingredients doesn't sound bad to me, so I want to know what made it so terrible. This is the best scene in the story, but you'll have to think like a child.

Summation

I think the main problem is not allowing the writer in you to think and act like a real child. Cut out the narrative of the adults and let Mathew have the adventures and get himself out of them. By keeping mom and dad in every line, it does become a Dick and Jane picture book, and you said you don't want that. Mathew didn't learn or change anything about himself at the end. He was allowed to end his day as he began it, without any real problem. Children love to hear about kids who dare to do things they are afraid to do. Now, if he added a can of sardines to the noodles I would really see them becoming ill. Keeping mother in the kitchen to supervise will limit his imagination though. He'd have to do it alone to be credible. Let him have the kitchen despite the safety issues. Kids will love it.


Again, it's a good idea and the outlines of these three adventures are good starter points. A book for kids has little room for adults IMO. I know this is a pretty rough bit of feedback, but since you stated in your request, I have written it as children's literature not as a picture book. I believe I've explained my suggestions as well as I can. I hope it helps you, that is my only intent.






esprit

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Review of Untitled  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, Belle Songeur

This is a good story. It caught and held my attention well, but the spelling and typo issues are really causing bumps. I will list what I noticed. The punctuation needs editing, too. I'll leave that to you. *Smile*


teh paramedics took it out of the room.

Without the pink happiness in skin color, I always saw the body as pale.

Is this saying she --always 'remembered' the body as pale--?


I've reread his last words ove rand over

The while, enitre family came that day

I believe you intended to write --whole, entire-- is that right?
The words are okay, but they're redundant. They mean the same thing.


that he had to shot himself. --shoot--

He wa sthe last person to even talk

Typo and the word --even--could be cut to tighten the line. Was he really the last to talk to father? Did father shoot himself that same evening?


yell at my father so much than we'd still have him here today
--then--


crying up a sotrm,
--storm--


her in and out of the church with his strong arms, holding her up.

Remove this comma because with it there, this says he walks her in with his arms -- while holding her up. You want it clear that his arms are around her.

My nrother had waited up for me

with bottles of alcohol spread all ove rthe table half full,

Typos. The sentence is awkward. I think switching a few words would fix it.For instance; --with half-full bottles of alcohol spread over...
I suggest removing the word --all--to reduce wordiness.


to shut myself out of their lived and cut myself fromt he picture

Typos and --lives--


That was the night everything in my life took a sudden turn. That was the end of the other me

This is a good summation of the story so far. It's clear and emotional.


My Ex-brother was bainging om door like he always did when ever I was going to make him late foe work,

--banging----on my----whenever--


the sheets were my comofor
--comfort--


they kept me from the world outside

A good showing of her depression. You're developing her character well.


Never once had i really cared,

Get into the habit of always using the capital --I-- when writing.


but never got around to actuallydoing anything like it.

We lived alone almost completely shut off from the world and each other. Sad showing of her relationship with the rest of the family.

yet even thought I knew this, --though--

and bangs on the dorr i got up and plled on some balck underwear

bag and opened the dorr. From theway my ex-brother

--door--pulled --black--

Using --ex--for her family helps to show her alienation from them, but I suggest you don't continue it too long. It becomes distracting and will pull the reader from the main story.

Will the other two members be brought in later? At this point, I'm feeling more sympathy for the brother than for the main character, but he and Mother have no part in this section at all. Dialogue between each of them would help readers get to know them a bit.


The story is coming along well. Proofread and edit before posting it for reviews, but don't let spelling issues stop the story as they can be fixed during revision. Write the story first. If you use a writing program on your computer, it will catch most of these as you write. They are really handy for writers.

Keep writing, it's good practice!




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Review of The Room  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, ERW

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This held a strong Twilight Zone feeling until I reached the last line. It was interesting and held the attention of the reader. I did notice an issue of redundancy and a slight leaning toward wordiness, but that can be fixed during revision. The story is strong enough to work on, but I suggest you change the ending. The type you have chosen is annoying to readers. It comes down to no plot or conclusion and the writer is taking the easy (unimaginative) way out. Finish the story.

He closed his eye tightly, --One eye or a typo?--

but this was to real to be a dream, it was too palatable and tangible.

Typo of --too--
I'm almost certain you intended to write --palpable--


an attempt to grab the last few grains of sand as they fell.

He glanced back at the ornate hourglass that was counting down to the last few crystals of white sand. In the bottom teardrop a beautiful black and white sand dune formed that seemed to reach up towards the oculus above it in an attempt to grab the last few grains of sand as they fell.

Sometimes I don't notice redundancy until a reviewer points it out. I think the first complete bolded line could be cut safely without losing clarity. The exact phrase is repeated three times. It's clear what he sees. Try to change the wording to avoid too much repeating. For instance, if you cut --sand--and left -dune- I think readers would know he was still speaking of the 'sand dune'. Sand is used quite a lot. What do you think?


The description of the sand in the hourglass is perfect. It's can be seen well and I was there with him, watching. Good work!

He thought to himself. What was going to happen when the sand ran out.

This bolded phrase could be cut safely to avoid wordiness and overtelling. It isn't necessary to tell the readers this.


What was happening, the hourglass emptied and now a noise, what was next?

This might read smoother if a question mark was placed after -happening, and a new sentence begun with --The hourglass...


almost like the previous occupants hand joined to create this new filler.

I suggest finding a different way to say this. It's impossible to relate---previous occupants-- to sand. It's distracting and confusing.


A strange calm had come over the man suddenly, so unexpected he again looked around the room for the cause – nothing.

Since everything that was happening was unexpected, this caused a bump in the understanding. (for me) I suggest trying the line without it and see how it works for you.


The window slowed now, but he could not make out the image it left,

Is this right? Wasn't it the scene outside the window that was moving? Not the window itself? That's the way I saw it.


Suddenly a bright light came from the timepiece and it exploded brilliantly scattering sand everywhere.

This says the light exploded brilliantly, but I believe you meant the hourglass exploded. Am I wrong?


The sand in his eyes kept him from seeing the image left on the now still glass pane, but he pressed on.

The same issue as above. This gives the reader a different image. If the window was moving, he would have been moving too. I didn't see that.


The ceiling began to fall and the walls were now falling apart.

Stronger descriptive words would show this better, I think. --

--the walls were separating--splitting apart--

How did the ceiling miss hitting him? How did he manage to not jump out of the way? I know he was trance-like, but he noticed other things.


Falling slowly he came to suddenly aware of his surroundings,

So, he was unconscious? This sounds awkward due to the lack of punctuation. I wanted to put the word --to--be- suddenly aware of his... and that wasn't right. Rewriting the line for clarity would help. Give a transition from one scene to his --coming to--.

It appears you didn't know how to get him out of the situation and just decided to end it. That's okay, because you have a great scene going. All you have to do is cut the last two or three lines and continue his predicament.
*Smile*

The emotion is real and believable. The setting is clear and kind of morbid, scary. I could feel his confusion and sympathized with him. I wanted to find out what was happening. There are good hooks all the way through to keep the reader's attention. Change the ending. Put him in a psych hospital, a prison camp, a bad trip, something. Please don't make it a dream! *Delight*

Good work!


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Review of No lie  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
Hello, howardg

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I read this several times but can't tie the lines together to make a story or image. The brief description is the only hint given on the theme of truth.

Some words seem to be written for the rhyme only, although I'm probably wrong. From a readers viewpoint who doesn't know the thoughts the author had when writing, the basic theme can't be seen.

The rhythm is the same in each line, with no variance. That causes it to be read line by line, separately, instead of a flow to produce an image or single thought.

I believe it could be improved with thought given to the rhythm and descriptives.

This is only my opinion as a reader, not a poet. You're free to ignore all. Just keep writing and practicing.



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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello again, aicat

I had to read this one also.

Belief in UFOs are very similar to the way people believe in gods and deities.

In the Brief Description --is--very similar...


The way you have compared these shows a great similarity between the two, but it appears to be the basic outlines. It would be more credible to me if there were a few examples that were proven to be false, scientifically. Your bias against anything that can't be proven is too obvious. I suggest trying to draw the readers in by giving some valid reasons for why people believe and why others don't.

I found a few things to comment on.

God or gods simply have to show up and demonstrate their abilities as
a deity or deities.

God or gods simply have to show up and demonstrate their abilities as laid out in


I had to read this area twice. I thought it'd been copied into the item twice. The redundant wording is distracting. I think you're trying to strengten your argument of the similarities, but it's confusing.


The idea that the aliens in question don't show up is because of a government conspiracy.

This line is difficult to decipher. Punctuation may be one cause, but I think it could be written clearer, too. As it is, it's wordy.


Sightings of Miracles are not questioned
Capital isn't needed here.


anybody who is awake and not intoxicated and accepted verbatim.

This is actually not true.


No body among UFO enthusiasts is encouraged to

--nobody--


simply reveal from a person at the top of the hierarchy

--revealed--


Which method do our UFO enthusiasts use to "prove" the existence of aliens beings from distant planets

Remove the --s--on -aliens--
Needs a question mark since the first word denotes a question.


According to them anybody who doesn't believe in aliens is naïve considering all this testimonial evidence and the lack physical evidence is simply because the government is covering it up.

A word is missing after --lack--

Actually, I think the naivety lies in thinking Earth is the only planet in all the universe that could produce life. Human's are so arrogant, aren't they? *Smile*

From what I've gathered, most believe the governments would not be able to cover this up unless the aliens ordered them to. You mentioned that all governments agreed only in this one area - perhaps that's why? You're right when you say it's odd that they would all agree.


Debunked facts continue to have a life of their own even when they have been scientifically proven to be without merit. The scientifically debunked fact is simply ignored and never mentioned.

Okay, here's a good example of where facts are needed to support your view. What was proven and ignored? Without facts, it's only an opinion, just like the other side has.


Copyright (c) 2007

Every page posted on the site automatically has the copyright date attached to the bottom. You don't have to add these unless you just want to.


As a writing, it's a bit wordy and hard to follow. Again, with no facts to back up your statements, it becomes an opinion. Since we're all entitled to our opinions, we can believe anything or nothing. The danger comes from following another blindly, without always thinking for ourselves. You've shown that many follow with faith in a couple of areas, and you've also shown how the unbelievers follow their own gods just as blindly. There are many things science will never be able to prove, but that doesn't mean they aren't real.

As an opinion piece, it works. As an essay, it needs a few facts. I enjoyed reading your views on the subject.




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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, aicat

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Your title is a good hook, it caught my attention! *Smile*
I hoped I would read something more interesting than an opinion though.

SIX reasons why UFOs don't exist

This first line immediately let me know this was not an open-minded article.


I had to check the genres you placed this under because I expected two to be Comedy and Satire. I hear the voice and tone of a writer who doesn't believe and is making light of those who do. That would be okay in the two genres I mentioned. But, it doesn't fit Scientific or Educational.

UFO's certainly do exist, it's alien beings that I think you're speaking of. Right? I have seen a couple of Ufo's myself, one was right over my house, tree-top low and moving slowly. I saw two smaller vehicles exit the large one and fly off in seperate directions. UFO's.

But he U.S. government can't control all these other countries to prevent their UFO secrets from leaking
They should have reach earth by now even before the aliens had,
some strange reason the alien UFOs have gotten here first ???

Typos of --the--reached-- and one question mark is enough.

The article doesn't explain why UFO's can't exist; it explains why the author doesn't believe they do. It's an opinion, but holds no proof and hasn't convinced me one way or the other. Your arguments show no research on the subject. Have you seen the newsclips shown by the Mexican news stations over the last several years? There is definitely something in the sky that no one can explain. UFO's. They may be secret government developments, but why are they flown where they are sure to be seen if they're secret?


The topic is interesting, and with good research it might convince a reader. As it is now, it's satire and could be humorous under the right conditions. It does not present a serious enough tone to be taken seriously or to convince. If presented as an opinion, it would work.

The rate is because your answers aren't original and really don't answer anything.

Keep writing about the subject, you might change your mind. *Delight*







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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Kenzie

I found your item in the newbie newsletter. (which is my favorite letter) *Delight* It's written well and it says what you wanted to say clearly. It's a good piece. I enjoyed it and this area really caught my 'reviewers' attention and I had to comment with my own opinion. I hope you don't mind.

Here, and at other writer's sites, folks are always saying that writers must be tough to handle rejections. It's why some defend giving rather ugly or mean reviews of the works of others here.

I've not seen any mean and ugly reviews(ers), and haven't seen anyone defend them, but I know I'm counted as one. That's okay, it's the nature of the job. *Smile* Of course first and second draft reviews are considered mean and ugly to those that notice them (or more likely, only note the rate) on the public page and don't realize the authors asked for the help and feedback. They can appear pretty harsh unless you actually read the work. If you did, you'll find the comments are usually right on track.

I have never had a mean or ugly rejection. Rather, I've had editors almost apologize for not being able to use my work

Lucky you!
Rejections are not written mean or ugly, subscriber or not, but they are still rejections. That makes them mean and ugly by default, doesn't it? Kinda like a low rated review. *Smile* You've been either very lucky in your submissions or you've been writing long enough to know how to get it right. From what you've said before, I know it's the latter. You're a good writer. New writers want to know how to get it right, too, and good feedback is the only way we have to help them.

Some people are on the site that really do want to publish, and know that even fillers get rejected if not well written, so they ask for help and hope someone jumps in.

You've given some good tips and advice to those experienced, talented writers that can use it. They aren't the ones who receive the constructive reviews though, they already know how to write.

Good job!




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Review of MEMORY  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Kat

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review

This is written well as I found no spelling, grammar or typo issues. I found it to be rather bland though, as a reader. Inserting a few thoughts of memories would help bring it to life through emotion. Both good and bad memories would be good.

I believe the inspiration aspect comes through the stranger's one comment, but it is a cliche that might hold little meaning to some readers. I also thought it would take more than one phrase to show her the way, since she had been agonizing for days. The inspiration might be more credible if she came to the conclusion herself, instead of relying on another to tell her which way to go. If the stranger is implied to be the Lord, it isn't clear enough. My opinion only and I may not be a part of your intended audience, so ignore if this isn't meant for a general audience.

I found the use as proper names confusing and difficult to follow and remember. For instance; structures of Pain and Evil and Lies and Distrust. There are too many and the creativity that a few would have, is lost.

Since this is a piece with no character, plot or definite conclusion, it's difficult to review properly. My thoughts are only my opinion as best as I can offer.

I found this to be an average writing with no technical issues to speak of; but it also has no zip to grab and hold the readers attention. It could have though, with a few heartrending memories. Readers love to be emotionally involved. *Smile*




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Review of Emotions  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Midnight_poet_545

Welcome to Writing.Com

I enjoyed reading this, although the energy of the first words began to pull me out - they became more important than the message as a whole. The words are romantic and well chosen so, it may just be the use of exclamation points that distract.

For a more complete, technical review, be sure and post your work on a few review forums. "Find a Review Forum



esprit

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Review of I can't  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, mauri2177

I'm glad you let me know you'd worked on this, I think it reads smoother now, don't you? It didn't have a lot wrong with it, but sometimes only a word or two does wonders.
Keep practicing and read other poems as much as possible. You'll learn a lot just by reading and reviewing. Reviewing makes you more aware of your own writing, it really does. I think reviewing is almost as important as practice writes. Try it. *Smile*

Well done!


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Review of I can't  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, mauri2177

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a very emotional piece. The words place the raw emotion right out in front where the reader can feel it throughout the read. Good job!

I'm just about to be give up hope
When you come into my life

I think this area needs a little more work to smooth it out. It doesn't read clearly to me. Perhaps,

I was just about to give up hope
when you -came--into my life.

I can't find the need for the word --be--. Is it a typo?


This is a pretty good piece, the message is easy to understand and it's emotional. Keep practicing and be sure to seek out review forums for poetry for good tips. "Find a Review Forum


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