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Review of The Drive Home  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, P. Amore

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I liked this piece. It's a quiet, gentle view of loneliness during a late drive home.
I tried reading it as poetry according to your chosen genre, but couldn't find it. Perhaps calling it Prose would fix the readers confusion, and raise the rate. *Smile*
I know poetry comes in many forms and it's basically up to the author. But, you want readers to read the content, not become distracted on whether it's poetry or prose. *Smile*

The taillights in from of me --A typo of -front- --

I noticed the lines were almost consistently the same length. If they were more varied in length, there would be more rhythm. Short and medium.

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It's coming along well though, and it has an emotional tone that fits and pulls the reader along for the ride. The mention of off-ramps and lights show the darkness of the road clearly.

I liked it.


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Review of Never Again  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello again, truthseeker

Welcome to the neighborhood!

I was glad to find another of your pieces to read. This one is marvelous too! I found only a couple of typos to be fixed. The content is perfect. Good work!

oh G-d how I felt it

I think spelling it out would make it stronger. This shows hesitancy of the author.

claiming it as our won

children we would. It

The word --have--is missing after -would-

of all we would have been perfect.

Some form of punctuation is needed after --all--. Either a period or semi-colon.

I pray that may return

The word --they--is missing after -that-

The emotion is strong, and the imagery tells the story clearly. It's an enjoyable read and the theme fits the times well.

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Good writing!

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Review of Luck  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, hansvl

Welcome to the neighborhood!

This rhymes well, and I can feel a bitterness in the emotional tone. The author was a bit aggravated when this was written, I think.

I don't believe in luck, but many do. I believe you get what you expect to get. Expect bad luck, okay - here it is. *Smile*

A good, realistic piece. Well done!


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Review of My Friend  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, reallife

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Oh my, this is a beautiful piece! It is truly real and you've brought it to life. Very good! There is not a word to be changed.

You know there are spelling issues, don't you? If those were fixed, this would be a perfect write. I especially like the end, it is very realistic and unexpected.

The form isn't standard poetry form. That's up to you though.

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This is good, emotional writing.

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, truth speaker

Welcome to the neighborhood!

This is very good, emotional writing! You're pretty good with description, I can feel the desparate 'aloneness' and it draws this reader's sympathy just as it's supposed to do. Good work.

I’m sitting the back of a crowded van

The word --in--the back --is missing.

The next thing I know I’m on the floor being greeted by the only familiar face in the building.

If details were added here to make it clear what happened, the reader could see and understand it better.

For I can immediately tell, that this place is not a home, but an empty building.

Most of the lines are as good as this one. Well done!

11:08. It’s dark outside. I see the tree branches through the window and behind them is the slate gray sky. Any other day I might see the branches

I thought it was night at -dark outside-, but the rest of the line suggest daytime. To fix a tiny bit of confusion, just say --in the morning--or --11:08 a.m.--

This promises to be a huanting, sad tale, and I look forward to reading the second chapter. It's coming along well.

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, April

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is written very well, and your points are expressed clearly. There are no confusing areas. The only thing that I would suggest is to lengthen the article to at least 250 words. That is the (common) minimum required if you intend to publish it. You could go into more detail with this point:

Victims get into big trouble if they don't pay.

It's a big hook and readers would like to know exactly what it means. Take advantage of the opportunity to warn. Since you've grabbed the readers attention with the great title and brief description, tell it straight. Don't hint.

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Good job!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, writerscramp

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Wow! What a good full length story this would be. Good writing!

It's setting is perfectly shown, the dark is very dark! *Delight*
Good, solid descriptions and thoughts bring this one to life, and it's tense! It moved along well with no distractions or confusions. I was hooked from the beginning.

It really would be a good piece to expand.

The only suggestion I have is to add white space between the paragraphs and lines of each speaker. Hitting the enter key after each para gives the right amount of space. You can do that by opening the Edit page.

Good writing!

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Review of Shade Of Winter  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, Merit

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like these. I've never heard the term "shotgun writing', but it seems to be 'free writing'. I like your term better! *Smile*

The writing has spelling typos that mar the ease of reading. These are good practice and we all do them, but when it's posted be aware it will be rated - typos and all.

do we cry I cry?

--we or I--?

shades that kept he sun from coming end?

--keep the--
--in--

everyone like a good jump

--likes--

a picture of you jumpin

--jumping--

I like the message, and the imagery is good.

There are no typos in the poem, and you've done a good job with showing the theme in both pieces.

I will
Draw
The shade
And
smile

This is not a suggestion to change it. I only wanted to tell you what my mind expected to hear. I expected --to raise the shade and smile-- {glad that winter is over.) *Smile*

A good, pleasant read.

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Review of Bleeding Through  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, FarAwayEyes
I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

The opening para hooked this reader in well. The tenseness and emotion are clearly shown. The story holds no confusion as to theme and drew my sympathy. I found some issues for you to be aware of doing.

on the piano down the hall.
burst forth from down the hall

I have other examples of repeating below. Try to avoid these because the reader will notice every one and be pulled from the story-world.

as
This is used too many times. It may be difficult to cut many, but I suggest you try to cut as many as possible. Do a 'word find'.

This was supposed to be her first Minnesotan winter.

This word bumped big. Either it is or is not her first winter. This word could be cut easily.

fists blood squeezing out between the knuckles to splatter onto the snow.
More blood spattered, mixing with the black earth.
blood dripped from the gashes, down her arm to stain her sleeve.
Blood trickled out from her knuckles to spatter

This sounds like an artery was punctured. It's a bit exaggerated. I know it's attempting to show, and it does, but drops/drips, would be more believable. I've been punctured by thorns, not this severly, but would it bleed this much? Spatter? Also, it's the often repeated information.

You haven't left that damn room all week
You haven't come out of that damn room all week.

pulling her against his chest.
Mike hugged her closer to his chest.

Repeats of the same phrases.


Mike opened a cupboard, pulling out bandages and set them down onto the table. His dark bangs fell into his face,
Mike looked up, his green eyes connecting with her gray.
dark bangs fell into his green eyes.
looking into his green eyes. Unshed tears shimmered in them. She wiped a tear from her gray one.

Repeats of 'dark bangs' and the color of their eyes are noticable. 'her gray one' gives an image of 'one eye'. It only needs to be told once. I suggest finding and keeping the best and cutting the rest.

Turning on the sink, Kathy placed her abused palms under the warm water

This doesn't give the image of her that you're after. If the word was changed to 'faucet' it would have more clarity.

Mike ran a finger over one of the cuts.
He ran a finger across the cuts, blood coating the tip of it.

more repeats.

He pulled her back towards the table, pushing her back down into the chair.

Repeats are too close. I don't think they're needed for clarity, do you? Read the lines without them and see what you think.

“Only if you promise to leave them in the ground where they belong, Kat.”

I don't like this answer he gave her considering why she pulled them up. It sounds off to me, like he's trying to make a joke of her despair. The story could end with her line easily. But, if he does need to speak, make it more sympathetic. A change of subject. For example; "What colors?"

The character of Kathy is well developed. Her name is mentioned too much for my personal preference, but it works okay. I can see and understand her anger well. She's good.

Michael needs more work. His dialogue is wooden, unemotional. His voice sounds like he's reading a script. I don't feel his pain for himself or his concern for her.

It's a good, emotional story. I feel it only needs tightening at this point, and a deeper emotion given to Michael.

Well done!


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Review of Death's Mistress  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, goldielox

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The visuals and emotion are both strong. The writing is good but, a little more clarity would be good. The message is a bit conflicting. (for me)

when death lurks in the corner,
and someone who said they love you placed him there?

This tells me the 'someone' is bad and blamed for death (the blade?) being near.

Death is a comfort,
he'll hold you forever
close to his heart,
He is loving me...

While this says death is a wonderful thing.

Should the reader feel pity or joy? *Smile*

This is just an impression of a reader, not a review.


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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Dray Brightblade

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The beginning sets the theme and plot well. The main character is introduced and seen as an independant thinker and determination. I think he's being shown clearly. He will become stronger as the story progresses.

The only element that I can't figure out is the timeline. I will try to explain why.

It has been told for a long time the legend of the Sword of Draiyanzal.

This is the most important first line and it reads awkwardly to me. I think just switching some words would fix it.
--The legend of...(fill in) has been told for a long time.--Cut the first word -It-. Does it read smoother to you?

Children come to listen to the tale of this wondrous weapon.
Tarion set --change to --sat-- on the rugged curb
scribbling away in the notebook he always kept with him
They didn't go to school ever since the latest raid
filled with ninja warriors, often came to raid Dajif,

These things show both the past and modern times. --curbs--and scribbing in notebooks (a pen-pencil?--school--are modern, while the rest are either ancient or of another world. They can all be blended together and made to work if the reader has some idea of the time and place.

In other words, this isn't 'wrong', it just isn't clear. (yet) Perhaps the next chapter will answer these questions. If so, no problem. It has raised my interest in wanting to know more, and that's a good thing.

"Like I'll believe THAT. But I don't really care, so..."

"Fine. Whaddya want to do?"

I like this dialogue. Boys are always the same, no matter where or when they come from. You're showing that very well with their speech.

A good beginning set-up. You're using your imagination well. *Smile*

The rate is for an unfinished story.

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Review of Vulpine Tales  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, Asp

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is very good! The story moves along well. It seems slow at the beginning, because of all the background info., but it's all used successfully to make this character real. There is some tightening that could be done later, though. This is first draft, so there's plenty of time.

Here are some things I noticed that are probably a habit and so you won't notice.

So all the residence were mostly happily barred up in their homes.
--residents--(a typo I point out only because I'm here.)

I noticed several uses of --residence-- A single word or phrase shouldn't be used often because readers begin to notice them and are pulled from the story. Try to use the word only once, and find another for the other places.

The most often repeat is the word --town--. I counted 19. I counted because it jumped out at me.

A young man of fourteen,
The boy had been put up for adoption many years ago, when he was still a baby.

put up for adoption

I stumbled at this line. I suggest cutting --many years ago-- because he's only fourteen. --still a baby--works good by itself.

Notice the exact repeats ref. to --adoption--
so he was put up for adoption. For several

So it was after his sixth birthday that Kyre was taken from the place were he had grown, being told he was being punished for something his parents must of done because of his appearance, and being the center of everyone’s attention.

This says he was taken away because he was being punished. That's not how you intended the readers to interpret it. Rewrite for clarity. The punctuation will need to be edited during editing. There are places you need a period instead of a comma. I don't cover puntuation. *Smile*

He was very young and naïve. Which in this case, made him very wrong.

I like this line. It touches on humor and reality. It stands out and caught my attention. It gives a hint of sorrow.

giving one last longing look outside, he truly hated cold weather, and it meant he

This is the only punctuation suggestion I'm going to make. Change the comma to a period. The sentence really should end there. Many of your lines are going long and rambling with more than two thoughts running through them. That makes them tiring to read and difficult to hold the thought of the main subject.

pulling off the shirt he wore to bed
down to pull a clean shirt from the
Pulling on a shirt of a color

Be aware of coming up with a great phrase and then loving it too much. Say it once so it doesn't lose it's power through overwork. It definitely is a great phrase. It's shows him clearly!

Boruka “City” was the nearest town to Serates.
So in truth it was neither near nor a city.

This boy has a personality! This shows me he is smart and can be funny. He's a bit cynical and realistic. He really doesn't like double-speak. I like him, he's more mature than a fourteen year-old of today. He's had a very rough bringing up.

seat and took her cup to the and breakfast dishes into the kitchen,

There are typos like these throughout. You'll find them during editing with slow, careful reads.

Kyre rose from his chair knocking back her hand back and roughly...

...he stood up and screamed, just screamed. Expressing all the pain and frustration and fear. He screamed and screamed for what seemed like forever until his throat would no longer work, letting out mere croaking sounds, and he slowly sunk to his knees, sobbing loudly.

Wonderfully described! Strong, clear imagery and emotion. I can hear and see him, and understand his frustration and loneliness. I care about this boy. Good writing!

Wiping the snow from his body and his ears flicking the snow off seemingly by themselves, he mumbling about being soaked, he took on last look at the view,

I think, if you cut the phrase of his ears, the line would be stronger. It only distracts and doesn't add anything.

Slipping ungracefully as he turned, he windmilled his arms and his hoarse throat let out a cry as he fell the twelve or so feet to the ground.

And the snow continued to fall.

This scene is strong visually. It's clear and real. I'm a by-stander and can see him fall. The last line is a good touch of poetry. I like it.
The scene is a strong hook to keep the reader turning pages.

It's coming along well and it's an enjoyable story.

Well done!

The rate is for an unfinished draft. Don't think it's because I didn't like the story. I did. You're doing a good job. The rate will be brought up as the work continues.

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Review of America=Choice  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Bubba

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've expressed your thoughts clearly, but the topic wandered away from the right to protest the National Anthem over to ranting about a government leader and Americans in general. So, by wandering off the beginning topic, the essay leaves the reader wondering which of your rights you were protesting. That isn't clear. I thought it was because you didn't want to stand. The reader only knows for sure that you're angry because no one paid attention to you.

There are numerous spelling errors that get in the way of such a serious read, especially noticeable since the piece was done for a class. Has it been turned it already?

unworriedly

This is a non-word and isn't found in my online dictionary.

friend who ad only lived to see
didn't thinkg to ask me if I was allright
espically at election
When the song and progressed to the line "By the dawn's early light,"

These are spelling issues.

Later, I learned that my rights had been infringed upon.
United States Supreme Court...within the protection of the Free Speech Clause of the First Amendment and the Due Process Clause

Isn't it ironic that the country being protested is the very one we run to when our rights have been infringed?

If it weren't for deviants, isn't it true that America wouldn't be what it is today? In fact, there would not be a United States of America were it not for deviants.

I like this reminder. You're right. These people were strong and desperate deviants. They fought and died for us to be free of tyranny. America was born.

Star Spangled Banner" === The entire population of the gymnasium stood up in respect for the country. I, on the other hand, remained seated.

This beginning is clear and obvious a point against respecting the 'country'. By trailing off to make the readers think it's only a minor protest against a 'leader', you've lost me. The two are not the same. If you're saying they are, tie them together tighter and it'll work. Show how they are the same to you.

follow their governmental leader
and ostracize those who do not agree.

This is where the piece went off track and left the main topic.

I doubt if you're interested in editing this since if it's already been turned in, but maybe you are. It was an enlightening read.

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Review of Lemmings  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello again, verkanmass

This is good and the last two lines brought a chuckle from me, but I've not ever seen a live lemming so couldn't get the imagery in my mind. I know what they look like though. That's my lack, not the writing.

The ending was clear enough for anyone. A great scene! The reaction is completely realistic, the lead up is not, and that's what is funny. *Smile*

No problems with the writing.

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Review of Badger  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, verkanmass

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a great piece of writing. I enjoy the humor, especially when it's hidded slightly and requires a bit of thought. This is an easy read and I truly laughed out loud at the second line of dialog from the badger. I won't spoil it for other readers.

my musings of nuclear physics

I often think of these things myself. *Delight* Good line!

I look forward to reading more of your work.

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Review of Old Lady Ranch  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, coldnorski

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Well good grief! The only reason I can think of that this piece hasn't been read is because of that unnecessary NON-E Intro (change it to E on the Edit page!) and the long blocks of text with no spaces to separate the paragraphs. Huge blocks scare readers off. Get in there and hit the enter key at the end of each of them. *Smile*

This is good! It's funny and had me laughing before I got started. I like the friendly style and tone of voice, it's inviting and urges the reader to join in the fun. There are some great scenes in this piece. I see no problem with description or storytelling.

It's an enjoyable read, it truly is. Get it out there to be noticed!

I'm sorry you had to wait so long.

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Review of The Fountain  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, J.R.Knudsen

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good write! The description is perfect to show the scene and hear the thoughts of the character. Its tenseness is good to draw anticipation from the reader. The ending works and is a natural conclusion. I found it inspirational and an enjoyable read.

I began to take of my clothes --A typo--

In the Brief Description the word --experience--has a typo, too.
I suggest you go into the Edit page and place a Content and Intro Rate in both boxes of -E-. Without a rate, it won't appear on the public lists and you'll lose readers.

Also one more thing - while you're in Edit, place spaces between each paragraph to improve the presentation of the page. It will also make it easier on your readers eyes. White space is essential for online readers. *Smile*

Well done!

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Review of Show and Tell  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, rickroars

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is very interesting and it's true! What a great story, kids would love it. *Smile*
I'm so glad you were able to prove your story. It's a very unusual pet and I wonder where you lived. Not in the States, I'd bet! You wrote this very well. The scene is clear and easy to imagine, and the children are seen very well.

So, I used the crying tool

Though this worked rarely for me, my kids wore theirs out. A good line!

and they where sitting

I check all of the uses of this word, and they all need to be changed to --were--

That's the only typo I noticed, so when it's fixed, there will be no distractions in this piece at all. Well done!


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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, oyster sloop

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I read the first paragraphs, and it is good. It's a realistic scene that is described clearly. It shows the characters state of mind well and the readers are introduced to him.

distance seemed to really annoy Lewis.

He acted like he was 'really' annoyed. I suggest using concrete words to say it straight out, and not beat around the bush. He was annoyed. *Smile*

The only reason I didn't read further was because of the lack of space between the paragraphs. Huge blocks of text are hard to read online, and readers will avoid them. Go into Edit and place a space between each paragraph and each line of separate dialog. The page will look neater and you'll recieve more readers.

You're doing a good job.

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, tyty

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a well written piece that only needs spaces between each paragraph to be perfect. I found no bumps of confusion at all. The thoughts are expressed clearly and they make sense.

Elkind's view of childhood, compared to mine

The only question this reader has is, this seems to be all Elkind's opinions. Where do your's fit in? Even the unquoted phrases refer to his beliefs. It makes the piece appear to be his thoughts only. I couldn't find your thoughts because they blend in with his too tightly.

I suggest spacing between the paragraphs for the ease of reading, and make your separate points clearer. Let the reader know where you agree or disagree, in a separate paragraph.

That's the only bump I found. You've done a good job of writing.

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Review of Bohemian Queens  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, candicmt

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The theme of a customer wanting to talk is clear. The setting is seen as a table and counter. Nothing else is needed in this short piece. The issues of grammar are getting in the way of a comfortable read, and I will point out some of those for you.

The waitress tiredly strolls away,

Just an observation from my point of view. --strolls--give an impression of leisurely relaxation to me. If she is tired, she may drag her feet, as in... --shuffles--or --scuffs--

She scratches her curled, slightly gray, deceptively concealed by mousy brown dye-on-sale hair, readjusts her glasses, studies her reflection in the orange juice.

This line is too busy with information not needed. It's difficult to image. The bolded phrase could be cut safely without losing any meaning to the description.

Place the word --and--in front of --studies--
Can a reflection really be seen in orange juice? *Smile*

She looks over to catch the studious look on their faces

Who is this? Explain and show them.

Occassionally
--Occasionally-- is American spelling.

unemotional, yet soft eyes

For me, --soft--is emotional. It shows gentleness, love, concern, etc.

concealed by thier busy hands
she studies thier every move,
smile form in the corner of thier mouthes.

--their--
I thought there was only one person writing in his notebook, but this says there is more than one. Are they all doing exactly the same thing, or should --their--be changed to --his--? For one person?

You've shown a good scene at a cafe, just work on clarity to allow the reader to see the same thing you do. You have it all clear in your mind, but readers only know what you've written. It's a good start.

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, luvTruluv

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This has a good tone to it, it is trying to say something I am not understanding though. It is probably my lack. If I knew what This luminous light was, I might understand the message.

Sets ambers a-flight
Some flicker and flare

The second line tells me you may have actually intended to write --ember--. Is that correct?

Thy warm embrace
Of no particular place

This too, is escaping my understanding.
With the genre of - Environment- I'm guessing it may be the sun, but it isn't clear.

Keep writing, and keep practicing.


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Review of Night Terrors  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, UniquePhysique

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've a good beginning to your poem. I didn't understand the message clearly though, because of the bumps I met below. I think when these are cleared, it will be very well accepted to its intended audience.

Share your vowes and woes

I can't tell if this is an unknown word (to me), or if you intended to write
--vows--or --wowes--the context doesn't help me with it.

Peal my skin off softly
Spelling of --peel--

Hear my scream stridulously

This would be correct as --me--

Watch me bubble with poroxide
Spelling error--

Until a candor word I call
To be grammatically correct, this would be --candid--

My every existance lost to theft
Did you mean --very--? Since we only have one existence?
Spelling is --existence--

Seethe my anything and everything left
This word doesn't sound correct used in this way. Oh, I just had another thought;
maybe you meant --Seize--?

I hope you continue to work on this, I'd like to see it as you intended it to be seen.

Keep practicing your writing, it gets easier - I promise. *Smile*

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Nightingale

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a nice, descriptive scene of a 'slice of life' morning. A casual, enjoyable morning of family life. I enjoyed the read.

sun has already begun its raise to the heavens.
--rise--would be grammatically correct.

neighbor's roosters call out,
It’s ten,

I know roosters will call out any time of day, but they are normally mentioned as crowing at the break of day. sunrise. Much earlier than ten o'clock. Just a small distraction, not serious. *Smile*

where Jim was already and standing behind his chair.

A small bump of awkwardness for me. This isn't clear. --all ready-- and standing... or
--already standing--without the -and-. --all ready-- and --already-- have different meanings.

It's a good write, I always enjoy family memory stories. *Smile*

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Gryphalcon

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This prologue covers a lot of ground very quickly. It's pretty thorough though. It gives the readers the basic background they'll need to understand the theme and coming plot.

You'll need to place space between each paragraph for an easier read. When the text is bunched up like this, readers are apt to quit reading and begin skimming, or put it down. The page will look neater too. And if there is editing to be done, it's easier for the author to find an exact area. Spaces are a good thing. Even paper books use paragraphs and the pages are shorter. *Smile*

From what I can tell, the character and machines of the prologue will have nothing to do with the actual story, they are only the cause of the current circumstances. That's good, because this was covered so fast that my interest didn't find anything to pique it.

An atomic winter world should be an interesting work and I look forward to reading the next chapter.

Good job!

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