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26
26
Review of Bathroom Wars  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com

You write well. The title caused me to want to enjoy a comedic write about bathroom duties, but I have to admit I found I was not a part of your intended audience. I didn't understand all the nuances well enough. Sorry. It's nothing against the writing, it's because of my lack of experience. Someone more familiar with the military life will enjoy it and know exactly what it really says. *Smile*

The imagery of the action is certainly vivid and exciting, and the inner rhymes are done well.

For a more complete, technical review, be sure and post your work on a few review forums. "Find a Review Forum" 

I want to include this piece in the July 29th issue of the Newbie Newsletter. The topic will be "Newsletters--Why You Should Subscribe and Read Them".

Subscribed? Do you receive the newsletters? Be sure to catch it!


esprit

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27
27
Review of Spelling Rules!  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

You won't believe where I found this folder, but then again--you may have done the same thing once or twice. I was going through a mail folder that I named 'newsletter items', I don't know how many years ago I stuck it in there, but I'm exploring it tonight and there it was.

It would have been a perfect 'helpful link' in Wednesday's newsletter. "Invalid Entry" 

I will come back and rate each of the three items, but the folder is the container so will get the review.

I'm always kind of disappointed at the lack of attention these writing tip items get around here. There are gripes about the site not focusing on writing, yet auctions and c-notes receive much more attention, so what more can we do? *Delight*

We can promote as many as possible and that's exactly what I do every chance I get. I smiled at the bottom line in the folders header - One last note, regardless of what your were told, spelling does matter.

The second line in the above newsletter is -- And, don't let anyone convince you spelling doesn't matter.--

Too many writers are told spelling isn't as important as the story. It makes me want to cry to see new writers trying to write a good story without learning to spell. It's so self-defeating. You just can't have one without the other.

This will stay in my newsletter helpful links folder, but this time I won't forget it's there-I promise. *Smile*

The time and work you put into these items is obvious and they should be used. Thank you from a member who appreciates all the help she is offered.



by esprit

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28
28
Review of The Cowboy  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello!

I like most things western, and this is no exception! Good work. The rhyme and rhythm are good and I can almost hear it sung, it would be easy to memorize.

I like the images it brings to my mind, and the easy-to-take emotion. *Smile* It's a nice, simple poem that the reader doesn't have to work at to understand--my favorite kind. The tone is nice and calming--relaxing.

I enjoyed reading this very much. A pleasant change from angst.





esprit

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29
29
Review of Greeniors Alert!  
Review by esprit
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I can hear (as a reviewer) what the author is saying.
This will appeal to a specific, like-minded audience, is it the very rich? Is it the general public?

I'm not sure who the intended audience is, but usually it's everyone so I have to guess here. If this doesn't apply ignore it, please. I don't think asking people to do with less is the way to draw them in. We believe we already are doing with less in today's economy, and may resent the implication we are wasteful.

The tone is off-putting to my psyche, (as a reader), which immediately causes me to feel defensive. If the intention is to convince a broader readership, I suggest a friendlier voice and more concise language. I see no facts or reasons why I should agree with the argument. As a reader, I would read no further than the first line. I will try to explain.

Are you concerned about anything besides yourself?

Isn't it time that we wake up?

Our hectic ConsumeTilYouDrop psyche

Opening lines should entice the reader to agree, not alienate him. Assumptions are not a good idea, especially when most are environmently aware and do all they can--or believe themselves to be.

What's wrong with success? Why is it better to choose to live simply? Examples?

Let's make Less is More the new Elitism.

The choice of the word -elitism--is risky. If that's the message you want to send to 'the rich' audience, it works, but be aware it will further alienate potential 'general' readers who might agree with the need to clean the environment, but not through more elitism.

I suggest that if you want to convince people to go over to your way of thinking, you approach them as equals. Give real examples of why we should not enjoy too much success and have nice things if we can afford them. After all, consumers are the gears that keeps food in more children's mouths. The issue to overcome is the common belief of 'it's not me, it's the rich'. People see themselves as among the concerned, not part of the problem, so won't be able to understand why this article applies to them.

Consider a different tack, like why buying environmental friendly autos, building green houses, etc. is good. By explaining why it works--not by accusing them of not caring.

Rated:
------

Intro Rated: N/A

When you leave the content box blank, it also leaves the intro box blank and you won't be able to list it in some review forums. Instructions are in this article, which is also right beside the boxes on the edit and create page. Look it over to help you know how to rate your work. You'll be pleased to see it posted among everyone else's.

"Content Rating System (CRS)"   by The StoryMistress

It's a good theme for an article, and the title caught my attention so I wanted to read it. The main issue for me is the need for more friendliness. You know the saying 'you catch more flies with honey'; it works with opinions, too. Make it sweeter and it'll be as good as it is important. And, it is important!

Be sure and take advantage of the many review forums for lots of feedback. "Find a Review Forum" 




esprit

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30
30
Review of Jack and Jill  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

What's on the page is clear and the setting is described well. Is this the outline or first draft? I ask because it isn't a complete story yet, it is a good scene.

The characters are seen well. Jack standing and listening is very good. Also Jill.

There are a few technical errors that I didn't point out, because the story itself isn't finished. Those can be edited at the end of the rewrites. I'll just mention a couple of things here.

with an omniscient shine

I believe this word was intended --luminescent--going by the content. The word used means: One having total knowledge - such as God.

The rocks around the two figures stood at the bottom reflected like diamonds

This needs to be rewritten clearer. The rocks --stood--, but I can't tell if the figures are supposed to be the main subject of the line. If so, it would make more sense to say: around the two figures --standing--at the bottom.

He took the metal bucket in one and grasped the back of her hair with the other,

Reading the work aloud from a printed copy will allow you to find the issues before readers do. The word --hand--is missing in the bolded area.

Not sure what kind of story is being told here, but it does have potential. Keep working on it with details to show the 'whys' and whos'.

I understand what happened, and I understand a father's revenge. I don't understand why he lived in the woods and decided to do this terrible thing. The ending is not satisfying to the reader because nothing has been resolved. The reader didn't even know there was a problem. *Smile*

Why did he bother to wear a mask in the dark? Why did he take it off when he did?

This would serve as a great outline if you decided to fill in background details and give it a resolution at the end.

Read and study good writing and keep practicing.
The rate depicts an average write that needs work.

Be sure and take advantage of the many review forums for lots of feedback. "Find a Review Forum" 





esprit

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31
31
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Wow, what a classroom! I'm glad I didn't have a class like that. *Delight*

You have a great outline to an exciting story. This tells what the setting is, (the school), the situation, (unruly class), and the main character, (you). Now, fill in the details of what the main character is going to do to become the school hero and make the kids change their ways. I think you have the imagination to figure out how to convince them to behave, so they can do fun things, like field trips to Disneyland.

Bang!!!!Boom!!!!Clash!!!!!

Did you know that writing experts advise against using more than one exclamation point to a word? They say using more than one tells them the writer is an amateur, a new writer. It's okay to be a new writer as long as you learn and practice what you learn. Now you know one rule and can pass it on to someone else who doesn't know it yet. That's why we read each other.

I like the word choices you picked for noise. They work well.

When you add more details to this, don't forget to use paragraphs. They make the reading easier and the page will look nice and neat.

I look forward to reading how this class is tamed! *Smile*


Be sure and take advantage of the many review forums for lots of feedback. "Find a Review Forum" 









esprit

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32
32
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This would make a good filler in local City Chamber or APBA National Tour brochures or magazines. The imagery is descriptive and the excitement is felt.

Sun up to sun down the riders, twist and turn their bodies, carving the water,

A wonderfully clear, moving picture!

It bumps at the comma after -riders--. I believe removing it would allow the line to flow smoother.

Good job!

Be sure and take advantage of the many review forums for lots of feedback.
 Find a Review Forum  [ASR]
If you're looking for a review forum, look here!
by Writing.Com Support










esprit

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33
33
Review of All I wanted  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Sounds like a good idea for a short story. You've written the outline, and it promises conflict and emotion. Sad endings are really depressing, but they're realistic if the plot goes that way.

When you begin filling in the details of what caused the main character's heart to break, the story will come alive. It's going to be an emotional one, isn't it? I'm already curious. *Smile*

When you complete the first draft, you can post it in some review forums for more feedback.

 Find a Review Forum  [ASR]
If you're looking for a review forum, look here!
by Writing.Com Support


A great start!







esprit

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34
34
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi,




I reach out blindly for the switches. Light comes on across the room and to my left.

Some of the lines are choppy - these for instance. Read them aloud and listen for a rhythm. These don't have one. Consider hooking these two together with a comma, rewriting a bit to fit, then reading the section aloud again. Train your ear to hear how it sounds. Too many periods gives a stop and go effect that's tiring and distracts from the story.

Reaching out with my mind I connect with my husband. Rafe?
Rafe’s image appears in my mind.

I don't think you need to tell the reader how it's done, you've shown it well along the way and don't need this first phrase. The second explains what she's doing clearly.

Rolling my eyes in exasperation at the obvious question,
His voice sounds incredulous.

This isn't quite clear. Was the question obvious if he was incredulous? Neither believed that was how the man died. The word --obvious--doesn't feel like what she meant.

after all, we do cater to the undead.
think we did it on purpose for “ambience”, but others might not.

Nice touch!

I lower myself down and start looking around the suite.

The bolded words are redundant and I suggest cutting --down--.
--start looking--could be trimmed to --look--for a less cluttered line.

Rolling my eyes
He never knows where I keep stuff!
Jerk!

The first impression of the character is she's arrogant and hard to get along with. Yet later, she can't keep her mind off of him. Is their relationship all physical or does she care for him? It will all come clear as the story progresses won't it?

Rafe places a hand under the corpse’s hip and shoulder, lifting him up and looking. “Nothing in his chest.”

I tried to image this but am having trouble with it. He's lying on his stomach, but the placement of his hand under the hip makes him appear to be on his back. What about placing his hand under the leg? Can you see it?

this big dent in the back of his head.

Would he bleed from a dent? As big as a fist sounds like it could be a hole.

“He wouldn’t be walking around in those loafers outside for long.

Something sounds off to my ears on the first read. I suggest playing with the word order a bit. I thought of --walking around outside for long in those loafers.-- or, --around outside in those loafers for long.--

“Well, his stuff has got to be somewhere.”

I wondered why they think he has bags. (A stranger that they didn't rent a room to.) It's made me curious.

“It’ll come together. We’ll work it all out.---
Rafe steps close, lifting a hand to run through my long copper hair. “You okay? You don’t seem like yourself.”

This is a nice, tender scene. Looks good.
The pace begins to step up here. There's more action and movement.

His grey dress slacks pull across his apple-cheeked ass
Rafe takes out a utility knife from the back of his slacks.

The first line is descriptive and nothing wrong with it, but when he pulled out the bulky knife from his hip pocket I immediately remembered his tight, apple-smooth cheeks. I no longer see a tight rear, I see a rear with a hugh bump on it.

Rafe zips up the blade,

He's opening it, right? Zipping up sounds like he's closing it. A utility knife has a thumb control I believe. Maybe he thumbed it open?

Rafe zips up the blade, jumps over the corpse, landing light.

There is an issue of incomplete sentences. Most work, some don't. Be very careful that they do their job, or make them complete. Readers notice when they don't work.

Warmth pools low in my middle
heat pools low in my belly

Repetitive. The first was good and descriptive, the second was a repeat that had lost its strength.

The blood in the room has aroused the predator in me, and like usual,

This has been said several ways already. Repetitive. Once is enough since she reminds the readers throughout.

If I’m not careful to keep my thoughts tightly bound, Rafe will see

This answers a question I had earlier when she was calling him names and so on. I wondered if he could hear her when she called him a jerk, and more or less called him dumb.

I look squarely at his chest.

Could she realistically see his chest with the load he has on his shoulder?


until the new group arrives. Then it’s show time!

Is this a hint of things to come? This group must be something special - extra. It raises my curiosity.

Access Restrictions: None

You can change the access to Registered Authors to keep the work off Google. It would accomplish the same thing - visitors wouldn't see it. It's not considered published here since this is a peer-to-peer writing group. There is always the exception.

Vampire Vactaion

One typo .

Edit Points

I find writing straight from notes to work better for me, so I didn't use them.

The VV Inn - where the undead come to play at a resort in the dark winter of Alaska.

The Brief Description is perfect. It's humorous and enticing.

You're coming along pretty well with the story, but this first chapter is a bit slow. It might be a better opening hook if the tension was built with finding the body and having the thoughts and actions focus on that problem. There's no tension as it is, because the characters are too interested in each other. That would be okay, but it isn't as interesting at this point since the readers don't know who they are yet.

We are introduced to the two main characters and we know they may have a problem; we don't know if it's the big problem though. It's certainly an inconvience, but not much more. The big problem needs to be made clear in this chapter to hook the readers.

We need to have an idea of where the story is headed and what they have to do to accomplish a victory. There's much work to do to get to that point, but the outline is set-up. Adding the details now is the fun part.

As you continue to rewrite it will become tightened and polished. I hope the feedback helps, that's its only purpose.





by esprit
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35
35
Review of Cafe Mocha  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've got a good beginning, we'll call it a draft - okay?
The story is a complete scene, well described and interesting. It's interesting and romantic, both are important to readers. Good!

If you get into the habit of reading your work aloud slowly, as a reader, you'll begin to notice missing words and awkward sentences. It's just a matter of practice and pretending you didn't write it for a moment. It's easier to find errors in someone else's writing. *Smile*

There are issues of grammar and missing words that you will learn as you practice. I won't point them out here, but if you want a more thorough review, you should post it in a few review forums.

Be sure and take advantage of the many review forums for lots of feedback. "Find a Review Forum" 

You're off to a good start!



esprit

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36
36
Review of Stinky Pinky  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is good. The descriptive language holds the attention of the reader and makes the short filler piece fun and interesting. You've done a good job. This is the type of filler I often see in parenting magazines.

The exclamation point doesn't seem needed to me. They are usually used to show great excitment or fear. Read the line without the emphasis and see what you think.

paragraphs

If you divided this into maybe three paras, it would improve the look of the page. One paragraph never looks well. I suggest at these points.

He is usually fairly dirty
So as the days

an unnoticed switch-a-roo

This probably won't work - kids always know their own and don't like being fooled. *Smile*

Good job with this short piece, I liked it.

Be sure and take advantage of the many review forums for lots of feedback. "Find a Review Forum" 



esprit

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37
37
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting your review from

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Kae peeked her head in the bedroom. "What's wrong?"

Working on this sentence will give a cleaner image. She could 'peek into' the bedroom, or 'poked her head around the bedroom door'--something, but 'peeked her head in' is awkward to see.

And, if all else failed, these guys could watch her getting close with a certain female friend she had recently claimed.

Is the brother suggesting voyeurism? Why would she need to 'appease' someone who is so crude? Details.

Wait, now he's talking about me?!" Kae exclaimed.
"You would be that 'female friend' I apparently just acquired."

These thoughts weren't spoken aloud, they were flashback memories of Phoebe. How did Kae know what she was thinking?

"Phoebe starred in her coffee cup.

A typo of --stared--
There are a few other typos that you'll find with a slow read-aloud proofread.

I'm just some task to him? This kind of behavior doesn't even make any sense!"

I don't understand what 'task' means here. The brother has been doing this for years, so what is different? Details.

"Your brother said you were interested in finding a good man and I wanted to show you how good of a man I am."

Do men really introduce themselves like this if they seriously want to know the woman? I can understand if he just wants a one-time date, but how would that help her? How is her brother 'protecting' her with someone like this? I'm not sure of the path here, what are the readers to feel?

you need a good, honest man in your life!

Did he speak forcefully? I could hear him speaking quietly and was surprised at the exclamation mark.

Phoebe crossed her arms. "I don't expect my brother to understand, but you listen closely:
your own girlfriend or sister!"

I like her attitude here. She's strong and confident - sure. I don't see her crossing her arms though. I see her uncrossing them, pointing a finger and pushing it into his chest to reinforce the words she's speaking. The exclamation point works well to show me this image. Crossing her arms shows a diffident, self-conscious woman, which would work well as she walked over to meet him., but not after she became angry.

This is a good scene.

"What the hell was that in the lobby? Why do you have strange men stopping by to ask you out?

tomorrow I want all of this drama over with and out od this building."
Consider it punishment

Detail the purpose of the Womens Center. To me, it means a safe place for women to go. Is it strictly a medical center? The reason I'm confused is because of Bianca's reaction to what was clearly an unwanted confrontation. Clearly not Phoebe's fault. Details to help clarify the scene would keep the reader on the same path you're drawing. If the reaction can't be resolved, I suggest removing all traces of Bianca, including sending Phoebe home early. It doesn't help or change the story, but does confuse.

Bianca left Phoebe to recognize the previously organized boxes she had jumbled up in her anger.

Not sure what is meant here unless the bolded word is a typo of --reorganize--?

"So, you're home early?"
"Yeah. Bianca sent me home and gave me work tomorrow."
"But I thought---"
"And now I don't."
--------
After finishing her cleaning job, Kae drove to Phoebe's apartment for the night. When she stepped into the room, she found Phoebe laying on the couch,


These areas are reversed. They're speaking before Kae arrives.

"You know I like guys too,===========
Phoebe shrugged. "Maybe I should try it."

Inconsistent, which is okay if it's true. But add details to show her clearly, and why she still has to 'try it' if she knows she likes guys too.

This shows Phoebe as very young and still testing her wings, while 'professing' to love Kae. Flesh her out so readers can understand where she's coming from and her confusion.

staring up at the ceiling. With her arms resting above her head and feet dangling over the edge, she fingered the sheets she had shared with her lover and cried herself to sleep.

Look at and think of her position. Doesn't she seem to be relaxed and dreamy, not upset enough to cry? What do young women do when they're heartbroken? The ones I've seen draw their knees up and curl around as tight as they can. Fetus position. Or they throw themselves down on their stomach with their arms covering their heads.

These may be considered cliched, but too casual doesn't give a sad image. She doesn't seem honest so I'm not sure who she's crying for. *Smile*

"Also, even though it's not directly related, I have learned how to treat gaping flesh wounds."

How is this not related to nursing?

Phoebe did just that, stiffly sitting close to the man,
closed her eyes in frustration and clenched her teeth

she didn't want to--
losing both the woman she loved and a man who was blatantly interested in her.

The impression isn't honest here either. --stiffly--and clenched-- seem to be added to assure the readers she doesn't like it, but I'm not convinced. She moved beside him quickly and willingly. It's clear he's interested in only one thing, so what is she afraid of losing?

The scene could be stronger by adding tension and details. Details could be through her thoughts if you wished, but be sure she's honest. She was attracted to him at their first meeting, (which she later denied) and they had a pleasant evening. This short excursion could be useful to show the readers the conflict going on in her mind, leading to a definite decision - if she has made a definite decision.

but that nagging voice in the back of her mind had evolved into a shouting, pleading force that refused to be silenced until that man was gone.

Let the readers know what's going on in her head as it's happening. I felt nor heard none of this emotional conflict. Telling about it afterwards doesn't work well. It sets a fence between the readers and the main character, so they can't get close to her. It hinders sympathy and credibilty, making her appear bad.

She rummaged her tiny handbag for her phone

I sugggest removing --rummaged--because a phone can't be hard to find in a 'tiny' handbag. --reached into--will show a likely image.

The story is coming along well. The main issue is with the development of Phoebe, in my opinion. She comes across as a very young girl, not sure of what she wants, much younger acting than Kae. She may be much younger, it doesn't say. The opening shows her as confident, but it's soon lost. Depending on how you want the readers to see her, she will need more work.

Why she suddenly decides she must choose between a brother who has meddled for years, and Kae, will need explaining. I didn't see an ultimatum from him. For me, it shows loss of interest in Kae and a good excuse to experiment. I agree with Kae, why do this now? Details.

Using this as a summary, I suggest adding the details to complete the story, leaving no questions unanswered. Resolve the issue with the brother since he is the cause of the story.

The story caught and held my interest and it's a good beginning. Kae is seen clearly enough for a secondary character.
Dialogue between the two is realistic.

Oh, separate the paras with a double space to keep the text from becoming one huge paragraph. The page will look neater and it'll be easier on the eyes of your readers.

I see you've a couple more pieces with these characters. Those are fun to do when you can eventually fit them together to make a long story.






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by esprit
38
38
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting your review from "Invalid Item"   [] by A Guest Visitor

Very good. It's special, original. I liked it.

I could see the visuals well. I didn't learn who the character was that was asking her all the questions, but it doesn't seem to matter.

The tone was slightly off kilter all the way through, consistently just a shade left of reality. *Smile* I don't know how to explain it, but I could accept her unreality as reality. Make sense?

She misses and mourns the lost time with her father.

was lying, the light peaked through and illuminated the strings

This is the only typo I noticed. ---peeked--

I do suggest you place the lines of dialogue in their own paragraphs to keep them separate from the narration. It will be easier to know who is speaking and the page will look cleaner.

I really liked the scene with the wine-colored sunset. It was beautifully written.

I prefer straight-forward fiction for everyday, but this was a pleasure to read for a change. You're really good with this style of writing.











My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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by esprit
39
39
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting your review from

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This is sad and emotional, and it caught my sympathy because it is a personal write. The message is clear. It's good.

Personals are not easy to critique, but since you asked for an in-depth review I'll mention this one thing.

It seems to depend on cliched phrases, did you notice? Some are slightly changed, but they're still noticeable by unbiased readers. Cliches become cliches because they say what we want to say easily. They fit. Sometimes, that's all we cam think of. If you went back in someday and subbed your own words in place of them, it would appear more personal.







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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by esprit
40
40
Review of Weird Book-Buying  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I'm browsing the lists today and fell upon your interesting question. A sure hook for a reviewer.

Why does one edition of a book sell, another fail?

I'm going to answer this for you. *Delight*

I visted the reviews on Amazon for this edition, and read the one review available on WDC. First, I was surprised to see a review written by you. You really need to attempt to get some unbiased reviews posted.

The Essential Guide for Writing Contest Competitors -- Revised, Re-Written and Expanded!, December 17, 2008 By John Howard Reid (Wyong, NSW Australia) - See all my reviews

Writers have been asking me for years to undertake a revision of Write Ways to Win Writing Contests: How to Join the Winners' Circle for Short Story Awards, Poetry Prizes, etc.. I kept putting it off because, although the original book was published over four years ago, 95% of the information was still current. Finally, I succumbed to pressure by not only bringing all the information right up to date, but revising every word in the book and having every line re-set. I also added an extra chapter on "Maximizing Poetry Entries"; and to the original appendix of two winning prose entries and a winning poetry entry, plus the re-print of "A Pathetic Story" by Jerome K. Jerome, I have added five classic poems and some additional poetry contest guidelines. Thanks to the more compact line-setting, the book's actual page count has only increased from 120 to 140. And best of all, despite all the revisions and additions, the publisher has reduced the price!


*Bullet* First bolded line says there's nothing new to add.

*Bullet* Second bolded says, huh, on second thought there's not only new information, I rewrote every word! (I was wrong)

*Bullet* Third bolded area says the new stuff is only a lot of prose. (you want to sell poetry/short stories under the guise of a how-to.) How will reading these help the entrant? They need to know.

you would expect the revised to way outsell the original?

Why? The original is usually better. (common thought)

Explain that if you can – particularly as the new edition not only has more pages and extra, right-up-to-date information, but is actually cheaper

Okay, here goes.

I read the reviews of the first edition and again, yours was the first. It contains info of the content, hints of what's inside the covers. It tells the buyer what to expect to find and it's useful. It doesn't cover near enough in my opinion, but it's much better than the review of the Revised Edition. Who would expect the author to give an unbiased review of his work, and less than 5 stars? Is it credible? The second review is worthless.

The revised edition has three reviews, none of which will answer a buyer's question of 'what will I learn?' 'What's inside the book?'. The reviews are terrible, even your own. Your's assumes everyone knows of the first book, so you don't offer them even one tip in 'how to win', instead you spam them with new poetry writes. (your own?) Bad idea. They're not looking for fiction, unless you point out tips on exactly WHY these won. They're looking for how to win contests hints.

Get some readers to read the book and give it honest reviews. No review template stuff. Show what's inside and why it's a sure thing. Example some tips on the outside to entice them into wanting to know more.

Thanks to the more compact line-setting,

Most buyers know nothing about line-setting, I don't. Does compacted mean the lines are closer together? Won't that make the text more difficult to see and read? Smaller? See? I don't know why this is better. Too much tech information that has nothing to do with winning contests.

As a publisher, I'm sure you know how to sell writing. Do the same with your own work as you do for others.

So, this is why one edition of a book sells, and another fails. How'd I do? *Smile*





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41
41
Review of Lagoon  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've done a good job of describing a day at the theme park, the good and the bad.

Have you tried writing in first person, using --I--instead of --You--? You might find it easier to bring more emotion in that way.

I'd like to know why the character felt this way about a stranger, was it something about the way he looked. Or, was it just because he was unknown?

It's an easy read that you've handled pretty well.

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42
42
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The behaviour of people will always be a mystery, especially to the young generation. You're wise to question it, and wise to think for yourself.

There are a few spelling issues and a bump or two. I will point out some, but you can find the rest.

see a child, look

in the future, if you go

If these commas were changed to periods, the section would read smoother.

trough me you witness

Spelling error, with another below.

heard Five year olds saying redundant words

The capital on Five isn't needed in the middle of the sentence.

Check your use of --redundant--, it isn't clear what you mean.

for our own will. It was just yesterday when I

Drop this section down to a new paragraph to improve the appearance of the page. Leave a space between the paragraphs.

I’ve been trough many,

It's a thoughtful first draft. Rewriting will give you the opportunity to change words here and there to make it say exactly what you intended to say. Good start!

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esprit

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43
43
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

These fanfics are fun to write, aren't they? Almost anything goes, but if there were more details to clarify the scenes, you'd probably attract new fans of the genre.

name but I'm is known world-wide

Typo.

.' I thought to myself. Chris' phone number was printed on the bottom. I called. He answered. "Chris?" I answered, "Yeah, who is

Place each speaker on a separate line. It's the correct way, and it helps the readers know who is speaking. The bolded words are confusing, shouldn't it say - I asked--?

in your position." Chris whispered. I nodded as Chef led me to

Is this a typo of Chris? It appears another time too.

Just because you suppose your some big star doesn't mean your gonna get any caviar.

Grammar errors. --you're--

Trent and Gwen won the challenge forcing them to compete against each other.

An example of where details would make the scene more complete. What was the challenge, and what made them the winners? Details make the story.



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esprit

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44
44
Review of One Too Many...  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting a review at
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by A Guest Visitor


Is this too adult oriented? By that I mean, would this be fun for kids to read or is the perspective too grown-up?

To answer your specific question, no, it isn't too adult oriented. Kids will enjoy it as well as their parents.

I liked it, the story is clear and funny. The action is shown well. I love the sight of giggling kids. *Smile*

Some of the lines aren't reading as smooth as they should, usually because of the absence of one or two syllables. The closer the match of beats, the better the rhythm.

The genre of the extra child wouldn't be known without the picture though. That's okay - since the pic is part of it. I wonder if moving it to the bottom would keep the genre more of a mystery though. Young readers really do like to guess with pieces like this, and even more they love to be surprised.

You're a good writer of children's story-poems, and only need to work on the rhythms.

Good work!



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45
45
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting a review at
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by A Guest Visitor


I like the imagery - it's good. The words are fun and where they read smoothly, they are wonderful. It is mostly wonderful, by the way. *Smile*

There is a problem with the rhythm, it doesn't hold its consistency. I suggest you consider removing a syllable here and there in the longer lines. I like the combination of an extra long word with a one syllable to end the line, so that's not a problem. Look again at the numerous uses of --ing--words, I believe they, and the repetition of --I was-- are causing the problems.

As my eyes adjusted to the dark, faintly came a sound.

Fetally I laid there praying like I was in church

I don't think this is used correctly. I know you're saying fetal position, but you'd actually need both words to be clear. You may want to search for another way to show it.

to inflict death by paper cut!

I don't get this. How do paper cuts relate to birds? numerous tiny cuts? the size of paper cuts? Clarity. Children may not know what paper cuts are.

Like vampires fleeing the sun, they left with the morning light,

This is an example of an awkward rhythm. The word --fleeing--is the culprit for me. If you could figure a way to use --flee- it would sound smoother.

It was the owner’s evil plan that locked me in that night.

This idea needs a why. I thought it was more of a mistake, forgetfulness.

Still, take my warning seriously and please beware or…
face the dark night horrors of tiny beaks of terror!

There isn't a warning included, only a happening. --beware--of what? exactly. Which could be a good punch line to go with the last line. What is the warning, don't use the loo at a pet store? It could be worded to match and be funny.

It's fun and imaginative - kids will love it! Once it's rhythm is smoothed out, they will love to recite it.





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46
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Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | N/A (Unratable.)
Hello, Shaara,

It's about time someone took a vote. *Smile*

I agree, Horror writing depends too much on graphic shock, and too little on good storytelling now-a-days. True horror lies in the psyche, not the physical.

It definitely belongs on a separate shelf.





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47
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Review of Mail Call  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Billy

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You, my friend, are well on your way to becoming a writer! This is good. It covered many emotions, from humor, empathy, anger to devastation, and very little of it was 'told', I could see and feel it all. Apparently, you have been practicing for a while.

Before you get too far into the series, know that online writing requires space between each paragraph. Separate each speaker's dialogue with space too, as a separate paragraph. If you do this while writing in your word program, you won't have to go back and do it all through your chapters after posting them here. That's a lot of work. Indents aren't required, so using them is up to you. Spaces aren't a choice.

I found a couple of areas for you to consider when you begin your next rewrites.

Sergeant King faced his truck West, killed the engine, and jumped out. After checking the angle of the five-ton truck in relationship to the mountain in the distance, he climbed carefully onto the hood.

Wouldn't this be done before he killed the engine? It sounds backwards to me.

Private… (puff, puff)

These aren't used. Readers will know since the cigarette is in his mouth.

Just go ahead and start doing push-ups, and I’ll let you know when I get tired.”

This made me laugh, it's so realistic!

The dark chocolate aroma of Sergeant King’s burning stogie wafted into Stevens’ nasal passage.

Good description.

“Don’t you dare,” King snapped. “I know you are only eighteen, but you can’t possibly be this stupid.

Good development of King. It shows his compassionate side and wisdom. I'm liking him better now. The incident with the pushups would fit better if they were in bootcamp. Yelling would fit here, but punishment in the heat and causing such exhaustion in a combat zone seemed overboard to me. (but as a civilian, I don't know if it's realistic)

and said, “I’m going to make you a deal with you. No one writes to me these days,

A typo of an extra --you--

After relieving himself, he came back to the front and looked at Stevens for the first time that morning.

I suggest cutting this phrase as unnessary. Readers saw everything clearly, and know he went directly to the back. Avoid extra telling and wordiness.

and was ready to roll. “Are the other guys getting ready?” King asked.

Another extra word, and probably unrealistic. He would expect them to be ready.

Stevens pulled the hundred-dollar bill from his pocket

Using the letter is a good hook; it gives a hint of mystery for the readers to think about. I knew something would come of it, I just didn't know if it would be good or bad.

At that moment Private Stevens grabbed King’s shoulder, turned him back around, and hit

This needs more time to happen. The surprise element is okay, but there was no hint at all, and that wasn't okay. It could be simply a change in Steven's body language. Tensing up with the refusal would alert the readers to a problem. A tightening of the jaw and fist while asking for it once more. And then King can turn his back... It's the most important scene, play it out completely.

and I’m filing for a divorce from you.

Extra words, telling the obvious. The line can be stopped at --divorce--.

I was disappointed that such a well developed character was removed so soon from the series. I thought he was intended to be the main character, but I guess it will be Stevens.

This is written to fit inside a longer story, but not the first chapter. It won't stand alone as a short story because it's a scene of an incident, not a plot that runs to a climax and resolves at the end. That's not a bad thing as long as it fits in sequentially with a short novel. I hope that King plays an active part in the beginning chapters. *Smile*

The story is easy to read, with no big bumps to get in the way. You write pretty well. Continue to write the story as it comes, saving the changes for the rewrites so you don't lose the path.

Well done!

I'm going to include this in the Newbie Newsletter of April 8th, if you don't mind.



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48
48
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

I enjoyed this, you've a good beginning. There are some suggestions for you to consider to enhance it.

as we quickly ascended to higher elevations, the land came to be dominated by forests of tall but thinly interspersed pine, oak, and juniper trees. The madroño, a strikingly

This is the only real bump of this type I came across. The going is slow and rough, so for consistency this word doesn't apply. It reads better without it even if it did apply. IMO.

I found myself thinking about those rocks, seemingly so solid, and yet made of atoms that are for the most part just empty space. I was fascinated by the thought that I was walking on an illusion,
Loose shale required the most care, especially going down steep inclines where we had to take short slow steps to avoid a hard fall

Wonderful imagery!

Conversing easily with Reyes and Dylan in Spanish, Ramona set about heating the tortillas on a small wood-burning

Consistency issue. They weren't able to purchase tortillas, so settled for crackers. If she already had these it needs to be mentioned.

As we climbed up a sloping lava field we caught up with an old man proceeding, walking stick in hand, at a slow, steady pace.

Sentence Structure. This word causes an awkwardness. A missing word is needed to complete the thought because it can't stand alone as it's written. Cutting it out will fix it, and I think it's the best solution.

We left Ramona’s house in the hot mid-afternoon sun. As we climbed up a sloping lava field we caught up with an old man proceeding, walking stick in hand, at a slow, steady pace

As we climbed up a sloping lava field
After a side-trip to obtain water, we began the canyon descent, a hot, jarring two-hour affair over steep, narrow switchbacks
we again came across Reyes’ tío
lived near the bottom of the canyon on the other side of the river

I found it difficult to know where I was through most of the piece. Going up, down, switching back, near the bottom, across the river - these words did not help keep me on track. I worked at trying to see how Tio seemed to be going down yet they met him again somewhere. It was interesting, but frustrating as a reader. Perhaps giving more specific landmarks along the way to give the reader the same view as the character is enjoying would help.

he next morning, Dylan and I forded the river.

This is a wonderfully descriptive paragraph. Good imagery!

We returned to the first night’s campsite, arriving in the late afternoon after a slow hot dusty walk

I'd forgotten where this was and remembered the sleep on the sand as the first night. But I couldn't imagine them trudging all the way there and back just for a night's sleep, so searched until I found their first camp. A mention of the cave at this point would help a reader remember and keep track.

Eventually we reached the end of a ridge projecting into the canyon and tarried to admire its excellent view before returning to the top via a different route.

I can't tell that the view was worth all the work to get there. It's seen, then they turn and go back down. I realize the trip was for the climb itself and probably not for the view, but I feel the readers should have a chance to see it too. They have an expectancy and will be disappointed. Describe a little of what was seen and how high they actually were. Could they look down on cloud covered peaks? Did the mountains look blue in the distance as the United States Blue Mountains do? Could they see the rivers below, snaking through the canyons? Make it worth the trip for the readers.

encountered a group of women and girls who ignored us while hoeing a steeply sloping cornfield to the accompaniment of a boom box

It may seem unimportant, but mentioning the boom box makes me want to hear it. Loud dance music, teen style? A soft, crooning love song? Commercial? It will help bring life to the women and girls and show them clearer.

The people of the countryside offered something more precious.

Yes, I know the feeling. You stated it well.

a vibrant link between the ethereal rocks beneath us and the violent stars above. Scales of time and size took on different meanings.
I felt as if I was peering at the universe from the bottom of a tiny crack in a grain of sand.

Good! I like the switching of rocks and stars, and especially the grain of sand phrase. A trip of enlightenment.

I’m driving down the highway at a normal cruising speed,
The last time it happened was in 2002.

I didn't see the second time he had the dream. He dreamed the first night. (In 2002) If he had the dream in the present which prompted the flashback, it isn't clear, and it's not referred to again. I feel as if it wasn't explained satisfactory. If he began to change his views after the first dream in 2002, why did he have a second dream? Did he not have a second dream? The clarity is missing.

If you used the center code, your title and author name would fit better. Are you familiar with Writing ML? Site tools in Site Navigation.
{center}Above the Rocks...{/center}

Above the Rocks and Beneath the Stars
By Erickson Lowell


In a write this long, space between the paragraphs is doubly important for your readers.

I enjoyed the children and could see the characters well enough. It's a good write, but to be excellent, it will need more time spent on it. Tightening the climb to keep the readers on the same path is the most important place to work. Clearer transitions between the climbing up and then down is needed. If some of these can be cut to get to the top quicker, it would be a good idea. More details would help too, just to give the readers the opportunity to see. Telling them they filtered and filled 'something' with drinking water isn't interesting. Taking them to the spring with you and letting them see what they did would be. How was it filtered? What did they fill? Canteens? Was the water icey cold? Did the canteens have straps to carry around their necks until they reached the mule? If it was some other container, how did they manage to carry enough in their hands?

Fill in the details so the readers can experience what the characters did. Did father and son find out things about each other they didn't know before this trip?

This is a good piece, and it could be so much more interesting to strangers with the human details added.
I like the info of the locals being shy, it helped me to see them. I like the families who lived in the caves, refusing to mix in a modern world, holding onto their believes and culture. There is some good stuff in here, there really is.

I hope the feedback encourages you to keep working on this one - it's worth it.


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49
49
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,


Good Stuff

I'm so glad I found this piece to read today, it's full of so many real-life memories and it's been too long since I've read one of these. I love them.

Your Grandmother did a fine job of writing. She's brought the time to life for this reader and I could envision it well.

I laughed out loud at the two for a quarter statement. I'm sure the hand written version is more precious to your family than the printed one. A great keepsake.

I'm sorry you've waited so long for a review of this.








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50
50
Review of Southern Comfort  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Whoa, what a news story. *Smile*

It's good. The comedy is dark and off-color, and is done well. The words are chosen to show clearly and there is no misinterpretation of the scene or action. I could see it all.

I have but one suggestion. It was going along well until I reached the last paragraph, which is one paragraph too much. The numerous sisters are unrealistic and the brother's fate really deserves his own story. He's taking away from this one.

Honestly, the last paragraph is pushing too hard and if it was removed, it would end at the real ending. IMO.

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Well done!







esprit

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