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151
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Crystalwizard

I found your item in one of the lists and the title and brief description caught my eye.

You've written this well and given some good examples. I agree with it up to a point.

and made the statement that a writer should never use

You're speaking of dialogue, but I think no one should be given advice to 'never' use any word. The expert you mentioned should know there are no 'never' rules.


If you really want to paint one using only the primary colors of red, blue and green, that's your choice. Go right ahead. But if you want to paint a striking masterpiece with subtle shades

I agree, go ahead, but don't expect everyone else to do the same.


and flowing lines, then my advise is to ignore the experts.

--a spelling mishap.--

I worry equally when I see advice given to 'ignore the experts'. Especially on a writing site where most are learning the craft. At least preface it with 'after you learn the rules'. *Delight*

I agree a speech tag shouldn't always be 'said', but I think it should be most of the time. I would rather not see the tag at all when it isn't needed. Usually, it only adds to 'telling'. But, even 'telling' is needed sometime. I see advice given to 'never' tell, and that's wrong, too.

It's a good article and I think you were angry enough to 'spit' your words when you read that piece and would have slammed the page shut if that were possible. I could hear it.





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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello, Dorphl

Welcome to Writing.Com!


The introduction to my story, the MWH.

The Brief Description isn't doing its job, which is to entice the readers to want to read. What is 'MWH'?


Myself and Stephen were sitting in an abandoned warehouse, discussing. I don't remember what exactly we were discussing,

This would read smoother if it were correct grammatically.
--Stephen and I--
If you intended to keep it casual, it could be --Me and Stephen--, but --myself--doesn't work.

Cutting the bolded words would tighten and smooth the line, reducing the wordiness that I noticed throughout.

--I forget what we were discussing, --


a dealer named sally --Capitalize names.

tacked on as a crippled and limping edition to my otherwise reasonable argument,

This sounds like it was meant to be --addition--


Stephen eventually bent to my will and then suggested

This word could be cut to reduce wordiness. It isn't needed for clarity of the line.


To this he replied "Ridiculous, man," and with a sweeping motion of his jeweled hand, he pointed

Separate each speaker with a space for his own paragraph.

While we're on the subject of spaces, hit the enter key at the end of each paragraph to leave space between them. The page will look much better and it will be easier on your readers eyes. A block of text this large is very difficult.



In whispered tones, he intimated to me

This word was used not long before. Repetition of noticeable words is a bad habit that publishers notice. I suggest cutting it and finding another.

These boys will need to be developed soon. Their personalities, education, and so on. They talk very formally to be doing what they're doing.


but before I had finished my sentence, he was swallowed up in a colossal swarm of tablecloths

Narrator's imagination, but some explanation will help.


Wait a minute; what am I saying?

Author's intrusion is a bad idea. Do you want the reader to immerse themselves in the story, or do you want them to see the author?


Awestruck isn't the right word for it. There are some feelings that I get that don't yet have names in the English dictionary, but I imagine that they will someday, when the rest of America experiences for the first time what I experience on a daily basis. The clown spoke something that didn't sound like noise; it sounded like something obscene, but not in a meaning that anyone's thought of before. Whatever it was, it broke my trance, and I moved on.

This doesn't say anything. It sounds like the author couldn't find the words to say what he wanted to say, so just filled in the space with anything.


point, I still didn't know wether I was dying

Spelling issue.

The scene would be humourous inside a story after we knew the characters. This reminds me of a Cheece and Chong skit.

It's not bad, but for an introduction, it doesn't work well because there's no tension, no action, no hint of plot. The setting isn't clear.

I suggest saving this for a later scene and opening with a sharper hook. Let the readers know right away what the problem is and where the story is going.





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153
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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, lizzie march

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This essay is very well written. It caught and held my interest at once. The horrors are well described and brought the images out vividly. The language is persuasive and inspiring, drawing the reader to agree and want to help.

The voice is calm with just enough passion to inspire. It doesn't appear to speak to a general audience, but face to face with the reader. It's very effective.

The build-up is steady from para to para, increasing the tension well.

I found one typo only.

The resulting conclusion is frightening it its potential accuracy - these are Ted Bundys and

I felt this bump but had to read it word for word to find it. I imagine you looked over it because the mind naturally corrects.
--A typo for --in--


Good writing!



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Review of Dream Visit  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, NanaJo

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Your brief description caused me to read this. I've written for my grandchildren too. Isn't it fun? *Delight*

I noticed you have the same problem I did. There are so many names, the reader becomes lost.

Lil is in her bed, sleepily rubbing her eyes.
Liz slid to the side of her bed

And sometimes Nana's do too. These are both supposed to be Lil, right?


Did you give copies to each of the kids? It's a fun read. It looks like it's all set up for illustrations and titles for them.

Good work!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, LGPutzer

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review
Please tell me if this is worth pursuing an agent and publisher. Please be honest, even if it means saying no.

I suggest you research children's writing and see what is popular in today's world. There is some info on the site through childrens writers. Use the search feature. You'll find much more on Google.

Chapter 4

A review should begin with chapter 1. I checked your port and this seems to go with the story there. Since the title is different though, I thought it might be a serial book.


from our reading primers.

This word caught my attention. I've never heard of a primer in the eighth grade. I don't think they called them primers even when I was in first grade; I won't say when that was. The word hints at five-year olds. Kids (readers) won't like the inference. If this was set in the 1800's it would work. The word may be used in some schools now, but not 'most', your readers will be from all over the country/world, and some will invision first-graders. Kids want to read of kids a year or two older than they are, so the intended audience of this work will be around 10/12, right?


"Right! I can just see it now." I pictured what would happen. "‘Hey, Mom, Dad, can you give

I wanted to jump in here and mention how good this whole scene is. The descriptions and dialog bring it to life.


Putting his hands on his hips, he tilted his head the way he always did just before he caught someone in a lie.

Hmm, before he knew they were lying? Or at the moment he knew it? Before implies he has ESP, but even then, he wouldn't react until he knew it. Shew, this is confusing.
*Smile*

He was right. The sight of blood bothered me. I couldn't even
stand it to watch slasher movies on TV with Steve and Jenna over summer break when my parents were at work. My sister Penny was supposed to be watching us, but she was usually off somewhere doing something else.

The main point just got hijacked here, which was blood.

Take out the first bolded word --it--to smooth the line.

The rest of the bolded area is wordy and jumbling. Too much info is squeezed in. The line could reasonably end at --on T.V.--.

Another thing about the targeted audience. Kids this age don't want to think they need babysitters, they're for babies. I suggest taking that part out.

I like these kids. They are polite and smart. I get the feeling the timeline should be set in the fifties, but it isn't. I'm having trouble knowing what year it is. If I knew the age of his father when he met Led Zepplin, I could figure it out.


Steve walked from where he was standing behind the keyboard, coming right up to me.

Steve glared into my eyes as we stood face to face: standoff.

The bolded phrase is wordy with too much info. Awkward. If it can be combined with this next line, showing him coming up to Bobby to glare, it would be smoother and a better visual I think.


These days he walks around with sunglasses, because he thought it made him look cool.

Notice the change from present to past? 'These days' -now- then we go to 'he thought' which is -past--. The story is told in present tense, it's happening now.

--he thinks it makes him look cool--


There was someone else whose opinion was way more important to me.
Jenna was smiling her sparkling smile, and she was smiling it at me.


There is nothing wrong with this, but I got the impression he didn't want to volunteer because of Kramer. I expected some mention of him here, even if only Kramer's facial language.

This is a good chapter. Without reading the preceeding chaps. I don't know the boys well enough to comment much on them. They seem to be much more innocent than their readers are going to be. That's why I find it difficult to place them in time.

I 'personally'like their attitudes and the way they become annoyed with Kramer, but they are in danger of being dull to boy readers of their age. As an adult and a parent, I enjoy this type of read, but if I was twelve or thirteen, I'd want more excitement and tension in the story. It may already be there in the other chapters, but it's absent in this one.

Then again, I may have set the target age too high. It could be right for seven/ten-year olds. I would have to read the other chapters to know.

It actually reminds me of a memoir of life decades ago.

It is good, don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say. Whether it would sell in today's world is something only a publisher or agent would know. What I've learned is publishers don't want the moral to be as obvious as it was way back in time. Kids will have to be real, with real problems and real attitudes for a kid reader to be able to relate and root for them. If they come across as wimps, or 'too good', readers won't respect them.

If the book is to your liking, don't change anything, but be aware it may not sell to the market. It may be 'too nice', and that's a shame. Research the markets and you might find a publication that uses this type. Just don't give up. And hang on to it, it may come back into fashion again.






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Review of the world today  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again, Blondebuni

I hope you don't mind that I find myself here again.

I just had to tell you how I liked this one. The message is strong and I see it as a world gone dependent and lazy. It may not be what you see, but oftentimes a reader will get something entirely different than the author intended. The whole world is despairing now, and it is truly disgusting. Greed.

a frantic look of dispair

despair


A world that gone senile

--that's-- gone senile. or --world gone senile.

The emotion here can be heard and felt in the well chosen words. Despair and heartbreak, such as seen everyday on the news. Good work!


Just a peice of my life. --piece--


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Review of We were cool  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, michelle

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This tells a sad story from today's world. The emotion is clear, good.
The words are well chosen to show the images and the emotion.

I noticed several spelling typos. Don't forget to do a slow proofread on your work because typos happen to us all. They will affect your rate on the site.

those days one the inside

There is something missing here, I don't know what it's trying to say.


no where to go
no where to be

There is another below. This is spelled as one word in this context. --nowhere--


my mind is stuned

I'm not sure what this word is. --stunned--? --stunted--?


the bottom of a galss --glass--

mad at myself because I know I could have done better
but looking at this building lets me know I should have done better

I suggest you consider --and--in place of -but-. I believe it would be stronger and more sincere. Read it aloud and you decide. My opinion only.

Good luck on the assignment grade, it sounds like fun.

Oh! The word --poem--needs correcting in the Brief Description.
Also, --asked--



but not anymore free
these streets own me
I am alone
like I tried to be; grown


It's an important message, and you've done a good job showing why.


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Well done!


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Review of what seems to be  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, Blondebuni

Welcome to Writing.Com!

(no title!)
Just a peice of my life...

Without a title it can't be found. I see you have another one or two with the same title. Do you really want to be read?

The Brief Description has a spelling error in it. --piece--


It seems to me your a broken
your a

--you're--


it was a open hand --an--

Your a sad sad smile and a
fading lively mind


Does this say what you intended to say? I don't understand what it means.
Perhaps both --a--'s are extra?


our souls
will never go


I believe this needs clarity too. --will never go---where?


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It has the outline of a good poem. I hope you keep working on it, and if I've misread it, please forgive me and ignore all. *Smile*

Enjoy the site!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Aaron Robb

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review

This is a good beginning scene to this mystery. It introduces the two main characters, and shows their relationship. Co-workers and friends, with hints of becoming more. At least with Mike.

The setting of a mysterious book is always good in fantasy, I think. It holds hidden secrets that are probably best left hidden.


I have a few suggestions on how to tighten this first revision and therefore increase the tension you need here.

“BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!” The sound of her alarm clock gave Amber a rude awakening.

This is not a good opening line, honestly. It's hard to make a good opening hook out of a character wakening and getting ready for work. I suggest beginning farther down. Which means, take the opening out.


By 9.30am Amber was on her way out of the apartment. As she walked down the many flights of stairs she

The blue line is a better opening. It's clear she lives in an apartment. And that's probably all the readers will need to know.

The bolded line. Cut to avoid overtelling. The next line will show the stairs.


When she finally made it to the ground floor she spotted Mr Heckles checking his mail box. Mr Heckles was a quiet man who usually kept things

No-one ever seen Mr Heckles at night, he was only seen during the day.


Joining this area to the new opening will show the flights, and introduce her mysterious neighbor. His name and his only being seen during the day, reminds me of Jekel and Hyde. I believe he's going to be a major character.


As Amber walked along the bustling streets of New York, she stared at all of the glorious buildings that surrounded her. She felt like a lab rat, trapped in a confusing maze, trying desperately to get to the exit.

This is an excellent scene! She can be seen fully, and her feelings of boredom are felt.


ready for work. Mike, her co-worker, was already busy

Readers will assume he is a co-worker, so this bolded information is 'telling' the reader what they'll already know. If this is done too often, readers will get bored. Let them use their own abilities to figure some things out for themselves.


sorting out the returned books. “Hey Amber!” Mike said in a cheery voice. “Hi,” replied Amber, giving out a sigh. “What’s the matter?” asked Mike.

Always give each speaker their own private line in dialog. Separate with a space by hitting the enter key at the end of their speech and name tag. Like this:


sorting out the returned books. “Hey Amber!” Mike said in a cheery voice.

“Hi,” replied Amber, giving out a sigh.

“What’s the matter?” asked Mike.

When there are only two characters in a scene, the name tag doesn't ahve to appear after each line of dialog. Give it a few times, then it will be clear who's speaking. Here, --asked Mike--could be cut easily. It will tighten the line and the scene will move naturally by picking up the pace.


“I’ sorry sir,” she said, still

Only a typo of --I'm--


She then looked up from the screen, only to find that the man had already gone.

Try to write the line without the bolded words. Read it aloud and you'll see the meaning doesn't change at all, but the line will be much smoother. I noticed in the opening the word --then--was used several times, always in front of her actions. That will make the area read like a list, and lists are not interesting to read.

Cutting the --comma--after -screen--will also allow the words to flow better. It isn't needed there.


“Let me have a look,” said Mike, taking the book from Amber.
He gave the book back to Amber. Amber looked at the front of the book. The book had no cover,

Be aware of using the names too often. Use --He--She--once in a while.
--book back to her, and she looked at the front of it.
Combining two pieces of information in one line (sometimes) gives it a more pleasant rhythm. More comfortable.
Repeating too often, too close together, makes the work wordy and boring. The number one rule of writing is "Thou Shalt Not Be Boring!".

The first bolded --the book--can be taken out. The second is good. The line is short and sharp. It gives the scene mystery and here is where the sound of background music would rise.
*Smile*

The number 3000 was stuck onto the side.

Using the word --stuck--shows me the number was written on paper and glued onto the book. I'm not sure what I should see here. If it was glued on, then this is fine, because that's what I see.


books in the library. When they reached the back of the library they had made it to the number 2990.
book with the number 2999 on the side of it. But there was no empty space for the number 3000. “


Mike, who was staring at the side of the book shelf
Amber walked around to the side of the bookshelf to find a single gap. Amber examined the gap. Underneath the gap, Amber felt a small dent.
She slowly reached her arm into the gap and began to feel around.

This scene could use some rewriting for clarity. Aren't all the books on --the side--of shelves? Is he actually looking at the --end--?

The --gap--seems to be quite a large hole if she can stick her arm inside it. I wonder why they hadn't noticed it before since they work there.

What is --a dent--? Is it an area for a card identifying the books on that shelf? Can it be described clearer? This is an important scene and needs to be crystal clear.


Amber could feel a crumpled up piece of paper. She pulled out the piece of paper and flattened it out
She began to read what was on the paper out loud.

The repeating will interfere and slow down the read. Try to use any word or phrase as little as possible. Use other words to describe the same thing.

This is very close to becoming a 'list'. Like; --first she did this, then she did that-- Avoid lists. Cutting unnecessary words and changing others will smooth the lines. For instance:

--She ran her hand over it and began to read.--

The steps in between will be obvious to the readers.


Amber walked around to the side of the bookshelf to find a single gap. Amber examined the gap. Underneath the gap, Amber felt a small dent.

Read this aloud. Can you hear the list? Her name is used too much, and -the gap--is used too often. This could be cut way down, or even taken out. She could look at the gap and notice the dent underneath. The walking will be obvious since Mike called her.


Meet me at my apartment at 8pm.”

A good place to end the chapter!

The story is good. The man is mysterious and the found note begins the tension building. Going to an abandoned warehouse at night isn't smart, but it's believable. Readers are going to tense up there. That's the way to hook them!

Get into the habit of reading the work aloud, slowly. This will help you hear words that you don't really need, as they only slow the read down too much. Keep it moving, but keep it clear.

It's coming along well.

Oh! a couple more things that are very important.
Use the Brief Description for your advantage. Use it to hook your readers, make them curious to read. Use a good line from the work if you have to. For instance:

“I think you should take a look at this,” he said, staring at the bookshelf

It has a limited number of characters, so you can't use a long line.

Hit the enter key at the end of each paragraph to leave white space. The page will look neater, more professional, and it will be much easier to read; less tiring on the reader's eyes. Only good things comes with spaces.





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Review of The Past Inspires  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Jeanno

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This piece makes me think your handle stands for 'geno'. *Smile*

I like this one. I have a genologist in my family and love to look into their lives.

The rhyme is consistent except for the first four lines. It's as if you began with one style and then went with another. It throws off the reader at that point.

A few of the longer lines have more syllables, so the rhythm isn't as consistent as it could be. I'm sure you know that, though.

That all that came before is just part of the whole.
Of all that came before, and cause him to treasure

I like the phrase, but I wondered if it would be stronger if used only once?

Also, the repeat of --being--.
I know poetry can handle repeats, but this word isn't descriptive, so it became a bump. I have no idea how to suggest a change though. They are both important to the story. If it works, leave it alone.
*Smile*

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Review of Silence  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again, Sara Turner

You've written another excellent piece. It reads clearly and the words flow. I've been in the same place of silence, so can understand exactly what you are saying. Sometimes those moments are difficult to find, but we manage to.

I found no issues to get in the way of the writing.

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Review of rohan  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, guddi

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Oh, my, I like this. It says what needs to be said, I think, for the other side. It is a tragedy for the ones left behind.

why didn't you thought of the silent cries and grief
vacuum in thier life

I believe --think--would be correct in place of -thought-
The second bolded word is spelled --their--



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Review of The Lady  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Mrs. Lori Young

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've described the physical looks of the woman well. She can be seen clearly. It's a good picture.

The main issues are with the spelling.

chaise is a drawing room --in--
She is lost in remeberance --remembrance--
She becons --beckons--

The skin that once had a sheen of sunlight

I love this line. I can almost feel the warmth.


that she will not come out around,

This is an extra word that can be taken out.


the highback, push chair.

Is this a chair that has wheels, or did you intend to write --plush--?


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Enjoy the site!


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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, YahsPoet

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is quite an epic, and it reads very well. I like the consistency of the ryhthm, it enhances the message.

And surely, on that day I knew it were mine --was--?

Nightfall choked the starlight
Nor twinkling twill of the angel's scope

This word caused a big bump for me. I can't fit its meaning to the surrounding lines.


Off on the horizon, under silver moonlight
The desolate glimpse of their last dying hope

Since 'man' is not mentioned to this point, I don't understand who 'their' is.


The wind, it spake to the mountains

This is a creative use of the archaic word, but it really stands out because it's the only one. Just a thought.


The wind, it
The earth, it
The silence, it


This may be perfectly permissable in poetry, but it screeches of bad grammar to me. No suggestion.


The wind, it spake to the mountains
It hissed, it howled and groaned


I believe this is my favorite verse, it's a song to my ears.


Whom the ocean did rise up to meet

This sounds awkward to me. If you know it's correct, ignore me.



And a realistic winter, for a time, held their place

The word appears to refer only to --winter--, so the bolded word should be
--its--. If it is intended to include Spring and Birds, it doesn't connect well.


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I enjoyed the read and can see you've worked on it for a while. It's good.



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Review of Illegally Just  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, AKIRA

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a great intro! It introduces the plot at once and it's the hook that will pull the readers in to stay. Good opening lines!

A great title and brief description. Good hooks.

The questioning seems benign at first, which makes the final a great shock. Good job there. I wouldn't be able to put the book down if the tension ebbs and flows like this throughout the story.

The only issue I need to mention is the lack of paragraph spaces. Online reading requires space to rest the eyes upon, and make the reading more pleasureable. Just hit the enter key at the end of each and you'll have the perfect space. I do this as I write, so it isn't a chore to come back and do it on site. It's became a habit to me.

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Welcome and enjoy the site!


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Tailsluver8

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is my first story so please no flames!

No one shoots flames on WDC. *Smile*

This is a good beginning. it introduces a few of the characters, and hints at the problem of the main character. It moved a bit fast, but that's okay.

The opening setting is unclear. Are they at school or at Tails house? I thought they were at school at first. Everything pointed that way, but at this line;

After Sonic and Knuckles left, Tails read off his all-boys party list at his house:

They are suddenly at the house so, I lost the image.


"Can you believe we're already in Middle school, Sonic?" Tails, a small, yellow kitsune asked as he pulled out his new accordion folder. "Well, no. Hey, Tails, remember tomorrow, you're having a sleepover." Sonic replied. "Oh, I won't forget. But, I'm worried that Shadow will be there." Tails shivered

Give each new speaker their own line. Hit the enter key at the end of dialogue, and start the new speaker. Space the same as you did the paragraphs and it will be neat and easier to read.


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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Rory Ridley-Duff

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is an interesting article.

Bear in mind that these responses are fairly automatic internalised during childhood/adolescence (in much the same way as Pavlov and his dogs).

I don't know this reference and without stopping to Google it, I wonder what it means for a moment, then I ignore it. If it's important to the point, I would explain it clearly for the general audience. If it isn't, then using it this way is fine, and if a reader does Google it, they will have learned something new.


These laws are the ones we can create for ourselves for our own organisations they are not imposed by government statute

Punctuation is needed here for clearer understanding.

I don't like the suggestions of 'new laws' in the workplace to make people kinder or more tolerant. From my observations as a common citizen, they only give the intolerant more fuel and reasons to become evem moreso. Laws tend to, ( or appear to) give 'special treatment'.


for these laws to come into effect they can be brought about by changes in management understanding and practice.

Punctuation is needed.


will be entrenching democratic values without ever having to involve a politician! What greater incentive do you need?

Good use of humor.

From the Brief Description, I thought the piece was going to concentrate on employee management, so when it talked of personal relationships I found myself pulled out of the item and wondering what I was actually reading. I agree with the points of getting to the root of the disagreement before attempting to solve it, but I believe the topics should be separated into separate articles. The basics might begin the same way in any mediation, but the manner of resolvement will be different. Wouldn't it?

This seems to be trying to cover all the bases of conflict in one sitting, and I don't think it can be done. It only leaves the reader wondering at the end, with no clear ideas. Emotions and anger can't be considered the same in the workplace, as they are in a personal relationship. In my opinion.

So, my suggestion is to write of each example separately.


Welcome and I hope you enjoy the site.


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, YahsPoet

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've written a pretty good poem, and the message is clear, easy to understand. I enjoyed the read.

There are a few things to notice.

And concecrates HIS reign

consecrate

Of whomsoever thou desire

This line reads awkwardly to me. It's quite a mouthful and loses the rhythm.


GRACE

I believe it would present a cleaner page if the capitals were removed. It wouldn't take away from the words.

It's a good begining. Oh, one more thing. It's not easy to enjoy the rhyme as its formatted. Did you consider using four line verses, and decide not to? I believe it would sound better. I find these little details really do make a difference in enjoying poetry.


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Bridgette004

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a sad, heartbreaking piece. The emotions are strong and come straight from the heart. They are real, I believe.

The issue of formatting is marring the pleasure of reading, though. When a piece is pasted into the space, often you will need to straighten the lines yourself. Go into the Edit page and clean it up so it can be enjoyed as you intended.

It's good.

Welcome and enjoy the site!

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Review of The Golden Key  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, opalthinks

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This holds a simple, but true message, and it's easy to understand.

at the place you call home

I like this thought, and it's true. If we would only look.


Having such a key...wil open

There are a couple of these. --will--


If you have any questions about how to do anything on the site, search the FAQ's in the menu at the top of every page. If you don't find the answer, ask in the support forums or send an e-mail to a Blue Case Moderator. It won't take you long before you'll be helping new members yourself. It's really a simple site to Navigate. Explore and read.

Welcome and enjoy your writing!

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Review of Woman  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Jugnooo

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is an interesting piece, I think I would like it if I knew for for sure what I was seeing. The problem is in identifying the character.

I'd like to stand upto you --A simple typo--

You soon came crashing on me
Like a hurricane
You embraced my soul
You soon came crashing on me
Like a hurricane
What are you?
I'd like to stand upto you

You embraced my soul
Jostled my dull and complacent spirit


I thought this might mean a woman coming to realizing her worth and her strength, and it was good.

But then, trouble began with all the unidentified 'yous', signifying trouble. With a man? With the strength?

The Brief description hints that woman will win, but this doesn't show that with --I'd like to stand up to you-- this is wishing with no strength.

So, either I'm not comprehending this the way you intended, or, it needs more clarity written in.


It's a good theme and a pretty good beginning.

Welcome, and enjoy the site!


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Robert McIntosh

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've done a good job capturing the mood and imagery. It is seen as a picture, clear and vivid.

Static Item >> Other >> War >

To have your work noticed, I suggest you use the full gambit of genre choices available to you. At the least, use Poetry, so readers will know it isn't a story. If you leave it at the Default, Other, it won't be seen as often. There isn't a separate list for Other.


The heart races forward,
as the stomach sinks into fear.

This caused a bump in the read. Did you consider using --in--fear? I believe it would be correct.


prodded forward
by sergeant and courage alike.


I liked this image. I'm sure it is still true.


Suddenly, the Captain's uniform
turns crimson.


Great imagery, and a mood setter.


Well done! Enjoy the site and keep writing.

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Review of Monster  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, kristouphxhxc

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a very dark piece. The message is pretty clear. I can feel a touch of reality through the words, and know people really can think like this. It's scary. It would also make a very good horror story. You already have the outline. *Smile*

With this cold gun pressed up against my for head

One word. --forehead--


My thoughts circling inside

The way this line is connected to the preceeding one, it appears to say the thooughts are circling inside the gun. It could use a little more clarity there.


And make your miserable with the guilt --you--
And watch you slowly slip into you pitiful soul --your--

would be with out me
Or of how happy you could be with out me

This is one word. --without--


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Review of Some story ch. 1  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Humpty Dumpty

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good opening hook. You've given it mystery, intrique and danger right away, and the beginning of tension is building.

I liked the voices. They each have their own that are distinguisable. They could use a bit more pronounced difference, but I know they'll improve as you get to know them better. There's no problem there yet.

She wondered again how much he knew she knew.

I think rewriting to make this line perfectly clear would help.


for in doing so would mean they must admit that they had been putting on an act

I read this line several times to find a bump I heard, and I believe it's these two bolded words. Try reading it aloud without them and see if it reads smoother to you.


"Then I suppose I will have to announce it then?

Repeating a word too closely usually mars the whole line. These do. I suggest taking one out, you decide which.


Put it in your will but don't announce it until your death madam.

A little rewriting for clarity here. If he meant for her to announce it while on her death-bed, he should say so. She obviously can't announce it if she's dead.


After he left she sighed sitting down in his abandoned seat.

This is an awkward act to image. Perhaps having her 'sigh'after she sits would help. Or, --she sighed as she sat in his abandoned...--
I know punctuation would help throughout the piece. It helps a reader understand what the writer intended. Without that help, readers are left to figure it out by themselves, and they didn't write the story. They become lost.
*Smile*

"I suppose I've just signed my death sentence.

This is a good hook to end the chapter on. I wondered why she thought this; she must not trust Rein, her trusted advisor. But she truly appears to like and respect him. A mystery to solve here, too. Good!

It's coming along very well.



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Review of Prologue  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Alexa Dawson

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a very sharp hook! It would certainly draw this reader in to read the story. Good job!

I find nothing wrong with it. The opening draws the sympathy of the reader, the character grows from frightened to angry as he should, and it all 'shows' perfectly.

The rejected boy kept warm against the chill of the rain as his anger grew.

This is the only bump I noticed, and it's an easy fix if you decide it needs fixing. It isn't clear how he keeps warm as it's worded. Try switching the words around a bit. --his anger kept him warm-- just be sure that is clear.


Well done!

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