Hello, SWPoet
I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review"
I am interested in getting this published and need to do some cutting and editing before I send it in. Honest feedback desired and welcomed. Thank you.
Is there a word count limit? Reviewers would be more help if they knew how much cutting is needed. There are 2374 words.
She didn’t talk at all and just sat all by herself.
Ms. Stone turned an egg looking timer and put it on her desk.
I suggest changing the first bolded area to --say anything--because as it is sounds like she's mute, and she isn't. The bolded --looking--could be cut to simply -egg-timer- It might be a new word to some kids, but adding ---looking--won't help them understand.
Have her: --turned an egg-timer upside down on her desk.
told the class they would get to choose the animal or design for their float and then get to build it in their groups.
These words could be cut easily for a smoother read.
"This is going to be so fun," Ben whispered to his friends.
This phrase could be cut since we know who he is speaking to.
"This is going to be so fun," Ben whispered to his friends. "We better win!," Marlee added as she sneered at Sam. "Let me guess, if we don't win you won't be our friend anymore, right?" Sam said in the same sarcastic voice
Give each speaker their own line with space separating them. It's difficult to know which is speaking when they're bunched up like this, even with name tags. Especially when Marlee sneered. I had to read it again to see if she sneered more words or if it was only the facial expression.
Would children reading this understand what a 'sneer' looks like? It would be better if it was shown, I think. I don't know if they would understand a 'curled lip' either though. You might consider something you know kids will be able to visulize, or cut the sneer bit. It isn't explained anyway and I wondered why she did it.
Sam thought she looked like she was from somewhere else a long way away.
What made him think this? I see straight, blond hair. He must have noticed something else that the readers don't see.
got all shy again and hugged herself with her little red sweater with the school patch on it.
I doubt if a child of the same size would consider her sweater 'little'. An adult would, but I suggest cutting the word. This is pretty close to 'talking-down' and kids will see it in a flash. Not a good idea.
Ms. Stone told them all to pass their pictures around so each other so the group could decide which design would become the model for their float.
The boldeds could be cut to tighten. There is one typo in here. Keep it simple and clear. They don't need to be reminded they are a group so often.
The sentence is pretty long. Kids will lose the meaning if too long. She could simply tell them to look at each other's picture and choose the one they want to build on.
The day before they were to make the floats, Ms. Stone asked Anneke to tell the class about where she came from. She brought pictures of amazing colors swirling around the pages and bright flowers. She said the artist was from her country. His name was Vincent Van Gogh. Anneke brought a stack of postcards and passed them out to all the kids in the class.
She must have asked Anneke to do this a day earlier or she wouldn't have had the pictures and post cards with her. It isn't clear who brought the pictures, but it sounds like Anneke did. On second thought though, it must have been the teacher. --She--and --her country--need clarifying.
Since you're submitting to a publisher, I feel obligated to add my thoughts.
Writing for kids is just as difficult as writing for adults, moreso in my opinion. Kids are sharp and want their stories realistic, with believable characters.
They bounded into the room and sat in their groups, waiting for Ms. Stone to tell them they could start. But where was Anneke?
I found the reading pretty bland. It's being 'told' to the reading children, leaving them to stand on the sidelines to watch and listen instead of letting them become the characters. More dialogue in their own voices would bring it to life and make it more fun.
The bolded phrase could be handled between the children, dialogue, showing their agitation and nail biting. Did you consider letting the kids rule the story and deciding how they would act and speak?
When an adult does all the talking, the kids sound too 'good', and real kids know they aren't that good. Marlee shows a hint of attitude but was held back. I suggest giving them a realistic taste of her attitude and the boys dealing with their own emotions. This would give Marlee a believable change at the end. She's the only one that changed a little bit, she was already nice.
Who is the main character? I would choose one and let the lesson unroll from his or her viewpoint. Without the new girl being there to interact, to have something bad happen to her, I really can't see any change in Marlee happening though. Anneke is shown only the one day, yet she becomes the star. It was too easy and so subtle, the main problem with a lesson to be learned is lost. Needs more detail to fill out a complete story with a beginning, a clear problem, middle climax, and satisfactory ending.
If you decide to leave it as it is, I can only suggest cutting the extra words (as suggested above)to leave the lines clear and easier to comprehend. Work on the kids, build up their personalities so readers know who they are.
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