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Review of Bare Fly My Bye  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Slimordium

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a very visual piece, the descriptions are great.

I found a few things for you to consider, and a couple of spelling issues.

dreams fly bye

Spelling is --by-- if I'm interpreting it correctly.


day dreams -- This is one word. --daydreams--

crow call quiet sigh escapes pursed lips,

This is a difficult phrase to understand. I suggest using the punctuation needed to guide the readers to see and hear what you want them to see and hear. They can only read it the way it's written.


specific eyes reflect the shiny things

If you're sure this is the correct word, I don't quite understand what it's saying.


wonders the mans outstretched arms,

Is there a word missing here? --wonders at the man's--?


“when your gone, --you're--

Scantly clad cloud

I found this to be a tongue twister, and the meaning vague.


Bare Fly My Bye

What does this mean?


I found it to be enjoyable because I could see it clearly, but the issues I've pointed out are distracting. I hope the feeback helps in seeing it from a reader's point of view.

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Review of Recycle Bin  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, SunnyHayes

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good piece and it's humourous. We've all deleted those awful words. It's written pretty well, but I found the ending a little confusing.

Now they are forever gone
Unless I wind up under arrest


Is this describing authorities pulling them back out of delete? I can't tell because the last line,


For whatever reason's I left behind

tell's me those were not deleted.

It may be me, or it may need a bit more clarifying. Only you will know for sure.


Well done - it was still good.



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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, forgotten prophet

Welcome to Writing.Com!

As I read this piece through, I noticed that the words got in the way of clear understanding. The message was lost on me. Don't stress that I tell you that, as I expect I'm not a part of your targeted audience. I just failed to find the subject theme within the many thoughts your words projected.

It seems to be written very well, and I'm sure most will grasp it without difficulty.

half-note staccato repitition

One typo only. Good proofing!


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Review of MY NAME ACRONYM  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, POETDONTKNOWIT

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is an interesting list. It shows a few of your favorite things, but it isn't a true poem. It could be with a few changes, a few rhymes and a bit of rhythm.

Your my sunshine

Grammar issue. --You're--


Including some of these things in a poem would make it personally yours, and is a good idea. Go for it!

I hope You're enjoying the site!


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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Leonardo S. Woodrow

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like this type of story, so I look forward to the first chapter.

This is a good intro. It gives enough info to draw the readers in and convince them to read. The character isn't seen yet, but I know he come to life as the story progresses.

Some things I noticed.

while I was fighting in the Crusades when one of my wounds became

Cut one of these bolded words, your choice. Using both leaves a needless bump.


that i am going to find out. --A typo. You've used it correctly in other places, so I know you know the rule.

I havewatched all of my family and friends die. immortality is

enterance of the Fountain of Youth

making the sme mistake.

---Spelling and Typos.


I have to find a way to undo what I did.

If I picked up this book and read this line, I would think he'd done something dreadful to cause humanity to die. I would expect to find out what by reading more.


even if it leads to my death!

He has stated a couple of times that he wanted to die, so this is contradictory. There must be a reason he changed his mine.


I hate those who did this to me.

All the readers will know at this point is that his life was saved. To hate those who saved him will sound odd. Did they know of the power of the water when they gave it to him? Was it done on purpose to harm him? If others knew of the water, wouldn't more gladly take it? Did a group of soldiers camp nearby, but only he tasted it. Is that going to be believable? A mystery and a hook to read on. Be sure the answers are there.


A good start, I hope it gets written.

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello again, Slimordium

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This reads well and it's clear. The first line though, has a bump that caught my attention right away.

I see out my window a thousand dancing suns,

Using this word sounds awkward. I suggest you try something like --from--and decide if it smooths out, and makes more sense.


The format is that of an article with too many spaces. Is there a particular reason you chose this one? It isn't set up as poetry, and that may hamper the reader. Presentation is very important for a reading to be enjoyed as you intended.

Something else that is noticeabe is the lack of rhythm. Again, it's as an article. That will affect the way a reader will approach the piece. I believe it's worth the extra time to set it up as poetry, with all the elements in place. The words you chose would be beautiful once they can be seen through moving imagery. My opinion.



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Review of House  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, brittanyyl0ve

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Wow, this is surprisingly well done! I say surprising because the format is really off-putting, and I expected a rougher piece to read.

Find at least one good place to break into a paragraph and double space between them. Space will improve the presentation greatly, and presentation is important to catch a readers attention.

The emotion and descriptions have truly brought this scene to life. I watched her walk alongside the house until she reached the back. I was surprised that she looked to the right, because I was on the other side of the house and had to look to the left. *Smile*

A Wonderful scene. I look forward to more of these.
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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, Slimordium

Welcome to Writing.Com!

What terrible visions this character has going on in his head. You've done a good job with the descriptions! I could see them clearly, teasing, testing, aggravating and laughing. Pure misery. Their tiny swords flahing in the light. Good job!

There is a problem with sentence structure that hinders the read. The lines are incomplete and fragments, leaving the readers to fill in the missing words. That makes a tiring read, even though the basic message is clear and vivid.

Tiny men with tiny swords, sun dully flash off pockmarked blades.

--flashing--would be clearer.
I can't see a dull flash, only a shiny one.


flared rims, nicked, bucket dull sheen worn,

I'm not familiar with this, what does 'bucket dull' mean? Is it just basically 'dull'?


He stranger, still, perhaps not, treading his own dirt, wearing on slowly what could be his forward.

Is this only a typo of --The--?


“No!” they shout, “I.” the stranger believes he is.

Can this be clarified?


swords at him, what can the we of him do?

I believe I understand the basics here, but it's very difficult.


Slowly forward feet aching, he pauses,

Difficult to know what the missing word is. --He slowly moved his feet forward--? Maybe?


I hope the feedback is helpful, I realize this is a different style, meant for a certain audience. But, I believe if the missing words were added, and the sentences made clearer, the audience would grow.


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Review of Amazing Journey  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, nanny

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a pretty good introduction to a story, but it doesn't say it is an introduction. Readers will think this is all there is unless it's made clear. Will a story follow?

I found some spelling issues that will affect your rate from some members.

endoured
inspite
--Two words. --in spite--
god -- always needs a capital--God--
feelings i could -- --Always capitalized when it stands by itself.

You've made a good start to what sounds like an interesting piece. The title promises a good read. I like it.

Explore the site and enjoy all the things there are to do. *Smile*


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello again, Poetically Correct

I wanted to read your other piece too.

if you should fall for the conception one day the best sex is protected sex.

Punctuation would make this much easier to understand.


epidemic spread sense the 80s? --Spelling--
non receding --a dash-- non-receding--
I over heard that the best sex --one word--overheard--
all it’ll deteriate your body, --Spelling--
And as time past quickly and at others slow --Spelling--

All because of that sexual healing Marvin Gaye talked about our community is being filled

Punctuation is needed to be able to understand the line. It's used at times, but not consistently. It's best to use it when understanding depends on it.


I didn’t quit understand but --Spelling--


Again, introduce yourself and explore. You'll find much to do and the people are friendly.




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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, volga

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This sounds like a piece to be spoken at graduation. The tone is very formal and concise.

I noticed several things for you, though you've probably already been graded for this piece. The feedback may be useful in future writings.

a peak in the future

Spelling in this context is --peek--
--into--the future.


I have had a gaze of all your wonderful ups and frustrating and

This doesn't sound correct to me. I don't believe you can 'had a gaze'. Try
--glimpse--. It says what you intended, I think.


kept pieces of your childish demeanors in yourself.

This isn't a word to make plural. --demeanor--covers all.


You have effortlessly made friends and still have kept the old ones.

This caused me to wonder if this is unusal. I suppose it depends on the age of the speaker and the intended audience. Younger people do change friends often. I don't know the age this is speaking to.


One of your biggest damaging flaws is your inherent inability to verbalize what you feel, this weakness have always hindered you from

Grammar issue. --has--


relinquishing your doubts and fears, your hurts and
to verbalize what you feel, this weakness have always hindered you from relinquishing your


The word choice makes this a very wordy piece and slows it down, but I understand it's written for school and that explains it. Schools love a show of big vocabulary, don't they?
*Smile*

Laughing has always been your friend and your mask, disguising all that is bothering you because throughout the year 2007, you always was

--was--isn't correct. --were--Try rearranging the words a little.

--you were always afraid--play with them and decide how it sounds to your ears. Listen and you will know.


afraid that people would never understand why you are sad or hurt and because of your fear, your friends seek always for your help because
The word arragement is off. Play with them again. --always seek your help--
notice I took out -for-. It isn't needed.


the thought that you are worry-free always comes up, but don’t get me wrong, I know you like to help your friends but still, you need to help your self first.


This sentence is so long the meaning becomes lost in the words. Did you realize it had 79 words in it? There are several complete sentences that will be easy to end with a period.
*Smile*

self-actualized

This is quite a word to use twice very close together. I suggest taking out the second, and saying it simpler. -- to develop your full potential--??
It says the same thing.


need to cut out of your life. Like mold on cheese,

This is a cliche that we hear often, but I'm glad you put it in. It loosens the tone of the formal, wordy write just a little, just as it was beginning to get tiresome to read. Inserting something like this gives the readers a chance to catch their breath. Good idea!


weakens the soul resulting to multiple damages and injuries

I believe the word you wanted is --in--multiple damages...


is what not I want to happen to you.

The words became switched. --not what--


a look in the past..a peak in the future

The title. --at--the past --a peek into--


It's basically a good write. It appears to be written to oneself as a confidence builder. We all should this once in a while.

Well done!



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Review of By the Fireside  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Split Infinitive

I re-visited this and found it answered each question. You've revised it to read in a clear, concise manner. It reads with understanding all the way through.

The boys are seen as young and realistic; behaving as boys do at that age. Knowing their age when they met makes the ending even more shocking.

I enjoyed it all over again.

Well done!







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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, BKfree

Welcome to Writing.Com!

What a great article! Who would've thought of doing anything out of the ordinary at a funeral? A creative writer, that's who. *Smile*

This read fast and smooth, and is written in a friendly tone. I could see the scenes and was definitely held in tight, almost convinced to begin a new job opportunity. I can see you're not new to writing, you're too good.

No typos, no technical issues.

Well done!

You are now free to
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Review of By the Fireside  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, Split Infinitive

I found your request for serious feedback in my in-mail box.
I would be very grateful for the kind of review that I know you are able to give.

As a completely narrated piece, the tone is consistent and easy to listen too.

Short Story >> Other
Rated:
------
Intro Rated:
N/A


Did you choose not to use all the genre blocks? Remember, each genre has its own list and it would be exposed to more readers. Go into the Edit page and enter a Content Rate of 13, Intro Rate of E. Many contests and lists won't allow/show it if it isn't rated.


shatteed, and every night I lie awake, trying in vain to piece it back together and restore its innocence.

The first para is full of good imagery, but the lines are so long and full of info they are difficult to navigate without re-reading to hold the main point. The longest has 65 words. Three sentences in ten lines is too much for the opening. They could be shortened easily. Honestly, they are intimidating. Readers need something special to grab their attention in this most important area.


Mental images that have long lain dormant return to haunt me now like a recurring nightmare; the dark, glassy surface of a still lake shimmering

Consider beginning with this line. It has movement to occupy the mind's eye, and it's a beautiful scene.

The first three original lines could be cut because the ending shows his guilt.


that role I was meant to play his schemes.

A missing word.


unlikely candidate for a friend to me.

This sounds awkward. Try simply; --to become my friend.--or something.


He also often recounted his exploits
yet still fared better than his opponents.

These are okay, but they are wordy. Too many extra 'filler' words only slow the read and don't add to the meaning or descriptions. I suggest cutting whenever it works without them. Read the work aloud with and without to decide.


visit his aunt and uncle in Scarborough.
visits to their cottage

Are these the same? It's not mentioned how far Scarborough is from Eddie's house, but the cottage is three hours away. Different houses? The info is needed to define how many visits were made to the lake. He said five at the end, but earlier he'd went 'often' to Scarborough. Answering this would smooth the read.


suburban junior-high society

I took this as a manner of speech only, but expected to learn their ages at some point. Age or grade wasn't mentioned. Readers will want to know because of the amount of drinking and girl-talk they did. Sometimes they seemed to be college-age, but I suspect Senior High school. Not knowing for sure blocks the readers visual of their actions.

Another reason to know the age is the incident we learn of at the end. How old was Dan when that happened? Showing his age at the present will let the readers 'loosely' guess how long ago the incident happened. He couldnt have been a child I hope. But, maybe.


After three or four shots each, we were

An extra word. We've already been told they take turns with one glass.


plans, and had always followed where he lead.

typo of --led--


Or, staring into the water off of the boat, that on a clear day I would find a grinning

This is an awkward phrase. The phrase could be cut, or if the boat wants to be there try to write it without so many words. I believe he could be inside the boat staring into the water. It's the --off of the boat, that--causing the bumps.


I know deep down that I believed him. I believed him.

So did I. Good ending.


The storyline is well done, easy to follow. Description at the fireside is vivid. It needs tightning and bit more detail in few places, but it's well on its way.

Well done!




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Review of Last ride  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, I wanted to read this again, it's been on my mind.

This is much better, and it was already good. I found a couple of things that may or may not make a difference.

well... it was up to John. The emptiness of the bus surprised John, it was at the third stop on

There are so many places where you have to name, cut the name whenever possible. Reading a name too often is annoying. This is the only one that can be removed easily and replaced with --him--.


This bus, number 94, was the bus he always got to work; it wasn’t his destination today

I think this is a 'must change' try --took--


together. The bus driver was too far to receive John’s gift; death. He would leave Dave the prick

This annoys me, like the readers won't already know what the gift is and the writer is telling them again. If it simply said:

--receive John's gift of death.--

it would sound more natural. In my opinion.


You've written a realistic, emotional story. The imagery and emotion truly bring it to life.

Well done! I'm pleased to rate it perfect, you earned it.







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Review of Trapped  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Alex, How've you been?

This story is true horror. To be trapped inside our mind is the ultimate fear. There is no escape. The emotion is very strong, I can feel his fear through the wonderful imagery you've painted. The scene can be felt from top to bottom. I was with him at the bottom of the well; I could see from his eyes and that is the goal.

I like the short sentences to enhance the tension, but - you may have a bit too many. You'll decide as you continue to read through from time to time. In a month you'll read it and it will sound different to you.

You've a good piece here. I suggest adding Horror as a genre. That will give you one more list for readers to find you.

Excellent!








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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Mikey Mike

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like the feeling this gives out. It's sad, but happy too. Just like real life. It reads pretty well, but with areas of mis-matched rhythm. I can't suggest how to smooth them out. I'm not a poet, just a reader of poetry.

The last verse is the most noticeably out of rhythm, for me. The others are good.

And all the while he was feeling torn between homesickness.

This sounds odd like this. The word --between--is the bad guy here.
It needs to show what he is between. I think I understand it is between the two homes, but it isn't clear enough to be smoothly read and understood.


Otherwise, it's good and I enjoyed it. The emotion is real and that alone can pull the reader along to feel what the author feels.

Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, hannah

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is written very well. The tone is calm, quiet - easy to listen to. The descriptions show the characters clearly and their emotions are felt by the reader.

For me, it was bland and slow, but that's a personal thing that each reader will feel. I found it distracting to not hear a name for either, but it worked well. It didn't distract from the story.

he’d rock her and sing gently so could securely relax.

A word is missing here.

I suggest a space be placed at each indent to separate the paragraphs. Large blocks of text are difficult to read, and spaces improve the look of the page.


It's a good, enjoyable read. Very sad and probably a realistic look 'behind the scenes'.

Well done!

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Review of Spying On Society  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, FussyGrrrl

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a well written, interesting piece. It reads smooth and easy. The emotion of past hurt is felt and is still felt, I think.

I always stand there, dumbstruck by the shock of what they are saying, yet without any knowledge of how to respond.
I wonder what other thin people in the secret society say? There must be a script.
But I’m nicer, too


The last line will explain why others are nicer. How to respond? Don't join in the laughter, and don't stand there.


Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, SWPoet

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review

I am interested in getting this published and need to do some cutting and editing before I send it in. Honest feedback desired and welcomed. Thank you.

Is there a word count limit? Reviewers would be more help if they knew how much cutting is needed. There are 2374 words.

She didn’t talk at all and just sat all by herself.

Ms. Stone turned an egg looking timer and put it on her desk.

I suggest changing the first bolded area to --say anything--because as it is sounds like she's mute, and she isn't. The bolded --looking--could be cut to simply -egg-timer- It might be a new word to some kids, but adding ---looking--won't help them understand.

Have her: --turned an egg-timer upside down on her desk.


told the class they would get to choose the animal or design for their float and then get to build it in their groups.

These words could be cut easily for a smoother read.


"This is going to be so fun," Ben whispered to his friends.

This phrase could be cut since we know who he is speaking to.


"This is going to be so fun," Ben whispered to his friends. "We better win!," Marlee added as she sneered at Sam. "Let me guess, if we don't win you won't be our friend anymore, right?" Sam said in the same sarcastic voice

Give each speaker their own line with space separating them. It's difficult to know which is speaking when they're bunched up like this, even with name tags. Especially when Marlee sneered. I had to read it again to see if she sneered more words or if it was only the facial expression.

Would children reading this understand what a 'sneer' looks like? It would be better if it was shown, I think. I don't know if they would understand a 'curled lip' either though. You might consider something you know kids will be able to visulize, or cut the sneer bit. It isn't explained anyway and I wondered why she did it.


Sam thought she looked like she was from somewhere else a long way away.

What made him think this? I see straight, blond hair. He must have noticed something else that the readers don't see.


got all shy again and hugged herself with her little red sweater with the school patch on it.

I doubt if a child of the same size would consider her sweater 'little'. An adult would, but I suggest cutting the word. This is pretty close to 'talking-down' and kids will see it in a flash. Not a good idea.


Ms. Stone told them all to pass their pictures around so each other so the group could decide which design would become the model for their float.

The boldeds could be cut to tighten. There is one typo in here. Keep it simple and clear. They don't need to be reminded they are a group so often.
The sentence is pretty long. Kids will lose the meaning if too long. She could simply tell them to look at each other's picture and choose the one they want to build on.


The day before they were to make the floats, Ms. Stone asked Anneke to tell the class about where she came from. She brought pictures of amazing colors swirling around the pages and bright flowers. She said the artist was from her country. His name was Vincent Van Gogh. Anneke brought a stack of postcards and passed them out to all the kids in the class.

She must have asked Anneke to do this a day earlier or she wouldn't have had the pictures and post cards with her. It isn't clear who brought the pictures, but it sounds like Anneke did. On second thought though, it must have been the teacher. --She--and --her country--need clarifying.


Since you're submitting to a publisher, I feel obligated to add my thoughts.
Writing for kids is just as difficult as writing for adults, moreso in my opinion. Kids are sharp and want their stories realistic, with believable characters.

They bounded into the room and sat in their groups, waiting for Ms. Stone to tell them they could start. But where was Anneke?

I found the reading pretty bland. It's being 'told' to the reading children, leaving them to stand on the sidelines to watch and listen instead of letting them become the characters. More dialogue in their own voices would bring it to life and make it more fun.

The bolded phrase could be handled between the children, dialogue, showing their agitation and nail biting. Did you consider letting the kids rule the story and deciding how they would act and speak?

When an adult does all the talking, the kids sound too 'good', and real kids know they aren't that good. Marlee shows a hint of attitude but was held back. I suggest giving them a realistic taste of her attitude and the boys dealing with their own emotions. This would give Marlee a believable change at the end. She's the only one that changed a little bit, she was already nice.

Who is the main character? I would choose one and let the lesson unroll from his or her viewpoint. Without the new girl being there to interact, to have something bad happen to her, I really can't see any change in Marlee happening though. Anneke is shown only the one day, yet she becomes the star. It was too easy and so subtle, the main problem with a lesson to be learned is lost. Needs more detail to fill out a complete story with a beginning, a clear problem, middle climax, and satisfactory ending.

If you decide to leave it as it is, I can only suggest cutting the extra words (as suggested above)to leave the lines clear and easier to comprehend. Work on the kids, build up their personalities so readers know who they are.






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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Lost In The Mist

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review

This is really pretty good. The emotion is good and strong and pulls the reader along at a good pace. It reads smoothly.

I can feel the contradictions in the character's thoughts as he writes. He's up and he's down, a roller coaster of emotions.

All the flower and the candy, that whole bit.

A typo only. --flowers--


I know you too well to know the difference between what you say and what you mean.

This isn't saying what was intended. A word is off. It reads like he doesn't know the difference. Changing to something like:

I know you well enough to know the difference... would be clear.


one stable thing
could always count on you
You’re like a drug – harmful,
Why can’t you be the sun and the rain to me?
You would just as soon stab me as kiss me


These are all good contradictions in how he thinks of her, (or her him, I can't tell, and it would fit either.) the emotion is understandable, realistic.

You've done a good job with this write. It's clear, reads easy, good emotion.


Well done!






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Review of The Inevitable  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, Constantine Cole

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've written a good action scene, full of movement. There are good imagery descriptions. The character isn't seen too well, but his armor is. Readers will learn more about him as they read on, so that's fine.

There are some issues that are slowing the read though, pulling the reader out of the tension. I will try to explain.

One man, covered from head to toe in shining steel armor, colorfully decorated in breathtaking blues, reds, and silvers, stands, alone on a battlefield

Read the bolded as you wrote it. The sentence needs to be restructured for clarity. There are commas that confuse the meaning of the words. Be sure the armor appears decorated with colors, not the man. Perhaps you can say it clearer if two sentences were used?


stands, alone on a battlefield of a million deaths, his feet blanketed by the freshly killed undead army, dead again by his once-mortal hand.

This comma causes a bump because it doesn't belong there. It stops the flow of the words.


The raging god of the seas gave this lone warrior, through his armor, passed down from generations long passed, the strength and rage of all the seven seas, the strength enough to overcome any foe.

I suggest cutting the bolded phrase and placing it in another sentence. Separating the beginning of a line from the main point by too much extra info causes the reader to lose the meaning of the line. Read the unbolded as one sentence and decide if it sounds clearer and stronger. I see this happening through the scene, and it makes long, rambling sentences that are difficult to stay with. Readers are liable to lose interest if the pace is slowed too much. Less commas and more periods will help.


one hand, his left, who's gauntlet depicted on the back of his tightly clenched fist, one symbol,

A single Tsunami wave, encircled by smaller waves is the centerpoint of his left gauntlet

Both of these lines say the same thing. I suggest describing the gauntlet only once.


No family; no one to turn to. No friends; life of servitude.

These incomplete sentences could work, but adding --He had--would let them be understood easier. Especially the last phrase re: servitude needs more direction. --A life of servitude.--?



it on the dirt in front of him, the only soil visible under the reaking corpses for miles.

Did you mean --reeking ---An odor; a stench?


the buckles snapping freee after years
His chestplat
All that is fisible is a sea of grey flooding

---typos---

His chestplat moans in the same manner as the first piece of metal as he removes it.

I didn't hear the first piece moan.


waraxe

I think this would look better as --war-axe. It's distracting as one word.

Action scenes have more tension with shorter lines. Since this is the aftermath of action, longer lines will work okay, but some of these are too full of extra information. Try separating the info into their own lines and see if it works better for you.

This appears to be the first rough draft, the idea of where the story is going. Now the polishing begins. *Smile*

It's going to be an exciting adventure, and ending this as you did provides a good hook to keep the readers turning the pages. Well done!



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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, tincéir

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good scene. I could see the happenings clearly. For those who love many detailed descriptions, it will be perfect. *Smile*

I found it difficult to stay with though, through the many details. I was tied to the words for the images instead of being drawn into the story to see them naturally. Less would be stronger in this case.

I also found the sentences to be too long and rambly. The longest is 56 words long, and others are in the 40 word region. They bog down and this reader was forced to reread often. A general rule of 35 words for the longest is good, with a variety of long, short and medium to maintain a pleasant rhythm for the reader. A good steady rhythm is less tiring to read and the reader can concentrate on the story itself.



Intro Rated:
Non-E


There are no NON-E words in the title or brief description, so the Intro Rate could be changed to E in the Edit Page. You might receive more readers because some lists won't show NON-E intros.


The streets are empty as I saunter through them underneath a blanket of stars,

An example of words that could be cut without losing the meaning of the line.

It's good, but I think shorter sentences and less description would make it more pleasant to read, especially if it was a novel.


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Review of Ribbon of Death  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello again, Larry

Another short piece that could be used as the outline of a longer story by filling in the details and timespan.

I think you like to write about knives. *Smile*

Writing short paragraphs is very good practice, and it's the right way to learn. Good job!

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Review of The Deadly Doll  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, Larry

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good little practice piece. It has pretty good imagery of the doll, and the horror it did. It would be scary if John could be seen as the door opened to his room, and his fear felt. Maybe next time, huh?

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