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219 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Every word we put to paper comes from someone else. We learn from parents, teachers, books, movies, idle conversations - our entire life becomes our source material. The only thing that's original and unique is our choice of how we put the words together. To be 100% honest, we'd have to credit the Dictionary, Thesaurus, and Google for every poem and story. I may suggest changes in my review. This is not meant as 'serious' literary criticism (I’m no expert). It's merely my record of the ‘bumps’ I encounter as I travel through your words. If I'm thrown by a typo, an awkward word, or a line that doesn't scan, then it's likely that others will be as well. My intent in giving a review is to applaud your work and maybe help you to improve it. A review is merely another reference to consider. If the suggestions prove useful, then use them. If I ‘just don’t get it’, then by all means ignore me! Only the author can take credit for the final words, no matter what the source.
I'm good at...
My co-workers used to call me a 'typo savant'. Apparently, I read letter by letter instead of word by word. This is both a gift and a curse. I am often distracted by a typo when I should just move on in the story.
Favorite Genres
Science Fiction, Mystery
Least Favorite Genres
I'm not a big fan of romance writing.
Favorite Item Types
Poetry
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Life Undersea  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Party* This is a review to celebrate Writing.Com's 21st Birthday with "All Grown Up *Party*


Sum 1,

I found your poem on Read & Review.

This is a well constructed poem that does a good job of giving the reader a sense of what life is like on a nuclear sub (I assume nuclear). I had no idea that you would wear denim socks (anti-lint?). They sound uncomfortable. Explaining the Rondeau form is helpful, and adding a bit of a glossary is a great idea.

My only suggestion is to add a cover image. Just my opinion. There are a lot of public domain clip art images available at openclipart.org

I applaud your service.


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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2
2
Review of Life Undersea  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sum 1,

I found your poem on Read & Review.

This is a well constructed poem that does a good job of giving the reader a sense of what life is like on a nuclear sub (I assume nuclear). I had no idea that you would wear denim socks (anti-lint?). They sound uncomfortable. Explaining the Rondeau form is helpful, and adding a bit of a glossary is a great idea.

My only suggestion is to add a cover image. Just my opinion. There are a lot of public domain clip art images available at openclipart.org

I applaud your service.


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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3
3
Review of Badger  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Alvirah,

I found your story on 'Read & Review'.

This is a well written story with good images and a strong finish. I like the way you've used vernacular. It sounds natural to my ear. I read through it without any pauses to say 'oops'. That means your mechanics and grammar are very good. I don't have any suggestions for changes.


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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4
4
Review of Vanity Fair  
Rated: E | (4.5)
LightinMind,

This is a nice rhythmic poem that fits well with the prompt. I like your images of 'colors dance' and 'twirling in the sky'.

The only quibble I have is the line 'To new patterns we adjust'. It sounds awkward to my ear. I'd suggest something like 'New patterns we weave'. But, hey, that's just my opinion.


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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5
5
Rated: E | (4.5)
Whew! That's a bit dark alright. I hope it's just a passing thought and not a reflection of your current situation.

The rhymes sound good, but it seems like the meter breaks in a couple of spots.

All in all, a good effort to address a difficult time.


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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6
6
Review of The Legacy  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nicely done.

The images are very good. You have to actually see one of those framed flags to fully understand the impact.

Your rhymes are natural and the meter is consistent. The only line that I would question is: emotions so closely entwined. You might consider: emotions closely intertwined.


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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7
7
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Beholden,

This is a cute story that satisfies the prompt nicely. It's well-written with a tongue-in-cheek style that fits the subject matter. The technical aspects of spelling, punctuation, and grammar are good.

I found only one spot that seemed a bit awkward:

Walking disinterestedly past behind the ogre,



Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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8
8
for entry "Invisible Ties
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Bobturn,

Good story!

You've come up with a genuinely creepy tree that makes its own good use of seemingly worthless people. Your descriptive details set the scene nicely and the dialogue flows well. The technical aspects of spelling, punctuation and grammar are mostly good, but there are a couple of places where I thought a comma might be needed or the phrasing seemed awkward to me.

Here are a few 'rough spots' for your consideration:

It's roots respond to and feed upon the nightmares of the buried

from across many states, (that were) willing to pay his price.

It’s you swinging to fast, hard and high.

His fingers stretched and opened (pulled) the hangman’s noose around his neck.

She felt it jerk her feet dancing a foot above the weedy ground

That long ago time, Mary Link found herself in possession of the Arlo Thomas’ group home and clients, (sounds awkward to me?)



Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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9
9
Review of The Farm  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
T. J. Gunn,

Good story!

I enjoyed this one. You've come up with a good version of the post-apocalypse tale. I appreciated the twist at the end, it's a truly creepy farm. I thought your settings were well-described and the dialogue flows naturally. There were few issues with spelling, grammar, or punctuation.

Here are the 'rough spots' I came across:

Although, it had its upsides in a demented kind of way

“Quick, Leena,” Navy said to her sister. “We must follow.”

she would have been a beautiful, elegant woman, alongside (like) her sister,

Then he produced a rusty teaspoon handing it (to) Leena

“Let’s call him, Grumpy,” Navy said. “He won’t tell us his name so—”



Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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10
10
Rated: E | (4.0)
Jolanh,

This a cute story with a good lesson and a happy ending. I liked your characters, but I wondered why the fairy king wanted a mortal family? Maybe he could offer them fairy immortality as an inducement to join him? They would have a real decision to make between mortal accomplishments or immortal idleness. Just a suggestion.

I found a few proofreading nits for your consideration:

The days were long and uneventful, and (at) times the king wondered why he got out of bed

A life lived alone is a life not lived at all," The king Replied

consuming him in minutes."

Not only will (she) cure your loneliness, but you'll have a chance to have children as well.

The first woman was a nebbish looking, librarian.

The servants do all the poisoning around her."

Now I have a law firm of my own, and its doing well.



Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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11
11
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Graham B.

Good story!

This is beautifully written. The descriptive language is near perfect, it really brings the setting to life. The dialogue suits each animal well. I especially liked the way you evoked Rat's personality with his behavior.

I didn't find any issues with spelling, punctuation, or grammar.

The only hiccup for me was this paragraph:

In our previous meeting, Frog was chosen," said Mantis. "I see his successor has not deigned to grace us with his presence.


I was confused for a bit, because I thought Crocodile was Frog's successor? Maybe I'm just slow on the uptake.


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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12
12
Rated: E | (4.5)
Tina,

This is a clever little story that makes me wonder if I should put the chips away!

Your settings are realistic and the dialogue flows well. The only thing you could add is a butter-based sunscreen lotion. *Smile*

I did find a couple of proofreading nits for your consideration:

"Did you notice any of the promotional ads placed in the store?"

"No, I do did not." Lydia denied hotly.

" When will would you like to leave for your trip?"

Oh yes, the they filled their bodies to capacity on low nutrient foods



Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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13
13
Review of Finding Home  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Fyn,

This is a nice story that sums up a life well-lived. There's a good message here for all of us. I enjoyed reading it, but there are a few long sentences that could be broken up for better clarity.

Here's a proofreading nit for your consideration:

It had come a long way from a living room with a 1960s orange shag rug in the living room with and an old chenille blanket for a curtain.


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

Words Whirling 'Round

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14
14
Review of Twenty-nine  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good Story!

Thus is a nice idea and you wove the number 29 into the narrative in interesting ways. The settings are well-described and the dialogue sounds natural. The technical aspects of spelling, grammar, and punctuation are good, although there may be one or two misplaced commas.

I do have a couple of minor suggestions for your consideration:

What if I told you  ...?  I know why some great writers die early. (the opening line seems a bit awkward to me)

He was a mega-star-author (I'm not sure about the second hyphen?)


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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15
15
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice job!

This is a good story that obviously draws on your experience as a climber. That's a good thing because it makes the story authentic. On the other hand, some of the terms are unfamiliar to us low-altitude folk. I'm not sure that's bad, but it does interrupt the flow a bit.

Your descriptive details made the setting seem very real to me, and the dialogue flowed naturally.

I enjoyed reading this, the journey motif is a good one, and your ending is spot-on.

I found a couple of proof-reading nits for your consideration:

“Why do (you) ask?”

“I don’t think I get that from anyone else. It’s just part of you who I am!”


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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16
16
Review of Beneath this Mask  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Myles,

Good story!

This is well written and delivers a genuine emotional impact at the end. I found the setting realistic and the dialogue seems natural. There are a lot of descriptive details that ring true and make your small town seem real.

I found a couple of proof-reading nits for your consideration:

the Greyhound draws me closer (to) home

C'mom. The funeral parlor's just down the street.


Keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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17
17
Review of Payback  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Good story!

Well written with good dialogue and a nice ending.

Here are a few proofreading points for you to consider:

poured the sparkling cool water into a long glass

the Saran gas attacks

“Terrorists. Al-Quaida claimed responsibility.”

Earl watched on, holding his breath

the lights we’re low,

Lucas nodded, a faint smile flickering past his lips.


Keep Writing!

Words Whirling 'Round

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18
18
Review of In the Woods  
Rated: E | (4.0)
WordAddict

I enjoyed reading your poem. I think the first verse is strong and I like the way that you stretched out the first line to evoke an overhanging branch. The following verses seem less poetic and more of a narrative. They describe the scene more than transporting me into the scene.

This is just my opinion and I'm not good at free verse, so take it with a grain of salt. Writing poetry is intensely personal, so any review is likely to miss the mark. We often hear that an author should 'write what you know'. I think better advice is to 'write what you like'. It's your poem, so the most important question is whether you like it. If it says what you intend to say in the way you intend to say it, then it's right.

Keep Writing!

Regards,

Words Whirling 'Round

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19
19
Review of Avatars  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Logan,

Really nice poem. There are a lot of good images here. Your meter and rhyme are mostly spot-on, and that's difficult to maintain in a long poem. My aging eyes would prefer a larger and darker font, but that's just me.

I do find a nit to bring to your attention (because that's what I do best *Smile*).

I think you meant vacuum here, but if it's intentional, then ignore me:

a vaccum of spent nights


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

Words Whirling 'Round


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20
20
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
Prosperous Snow Celebrating

This is truly a poor poem, but I'm tempted to up the rating to two stars because it could have been even worse. You show an unfortunate lack of spelling errors and the grammar is very nearly correct. In addition, there is a definite sense of meter throughout and several true rhymes that spoil an otherwise wretched effort.

Please do not feel encouraged,

Words Whirling 'Round

p.s. This was a fun review to write! *BigSmile*


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21
21
Rated: E | (3.0)
Kay,

This is a good story with many powerful images. There is excitement and sorrow as the sisters make their way from slavery to freedom. You show a good imagination and I think your story is a good beginning. Thank you for sharing it!

There is room for improvement, here are some general suggestions:

The text is very dense. If it were broken up into smaller paragraphs, it would look more inviting to the reader. Each paragraph should present a single idea or describe a single scene. Dialogue is usually separated from the other text, this also creates white space. You can use a favorite book similar to your own story as a reference for how to format your material.

Some of your chapters are numbered and some are titled. A consistent choice of format might be better.

It's more interesting to show things rather than just tell them. For example, 'I rose in the pre-dawn darkness' shows the reader more than just saying 'I woke up at 3 am'.


And here are some more specific suggestions:

"grabbed those inside" might be better than "grabbed those in"

"it felt like a desert" would be better than "it felt like a dessert"

"don’t be afraid to slap me" did you mean "don’t be afraid to slap them"?

Tali is writing a letter and describes how Americans write before Betty teaches her letters. This seems inconsistent. Perhaps Tuli could write the first letter in her language and write the second one after learning from Betty?

grits is made from ground corn rather than oats.

"You will go into that space." would be better than "You will go into space."

"Me and Renate ate food twice a day" would be better than "Me and Renate food twice a day"

In some places the name is "Tali" or "tuli" and in others it's "Torli"



Keep writing,

Words Whirling 'Round



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22
22
Rated: E | (4.5)
dog pack,

Nicely written, I enjoyed reading this one a lot. The only disappointment was looking at the header and seeing that it's fiction. It seemed very realistic to me.

I saw one rough spot that you might want to look at. This line sounds a bit awkward to me:

Some soldiers can’t take this kind of life pressures and rigorous fearfulness that can engulf a person.


Maybe it needs some punctuation? Or break it into smaller sentences?

Anyway, good job.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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23
23
Rated: E | (5.0)
Eric,

Well done!

It's not easy to put together a poem that fits this restrictive format and still works simply as a poem. This one works perfectly as-is. I don't think you could improve on it with any number of syllables.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing,

Words Whirling 'Round
24
24
Review of The Blood Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
J.L. O'Dell,

Here's my donation of 30,000 gift points.

I choose a MB from you.

Thanks

Words Whirling 'Round
25
25
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Paul,

I came across your story at Read & Review and enjoyed reading it.

Nicely written! I think you satisfied the prompt very well. Your dialogue sounded natural to my ear and the conclusion provided a good chuckle.

I do have a nit to pick (because that's what I do best *Smile*).

In the line:

         Who the hells there!

I think you're missing an apostrophe.


Thanks for sharing and keep writing!


Words Whirling 'Round

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