Hello,
Damn. I just sent you a very nice review and after I hit send I was told I was not logged in so the review was lost.
I think you should have a line between paragraphs.
The title is okay.
The opening paragraph is fine.
Were they mocking her confusion, her cluelessness as to which way to go?
I do not think "cluelessness" is a real word.
I think you should rework a goodly part of the sentences that start with the same pronoun, "She." I think it help with the pace.
"Miatsy, Miatsy, you have to be alive," Eleana said, "Oh Miatsy I‘m scared. What‘s happening here?"
said.
"Thatzu, oh Thatzu, I didn’t know what to do, she’s, she’s," Eleana said, between sobs, " she’s dead.”
dead.
"Come child, come with me, we must get out of the open," Thatzu said, “We must go now Eleana.”
said.
He pulled a sack from the bushes “GO NOW,” he screamed.
bushes.
The strong stench hit her in the face like a cold hand, it smelled of musty wood that had been laying for ages rotting on the forest floor, with a hint of old fruit.
hand;
The inside despite the odor was unlike the exterior, it appeared to be quite well taken care of.
exterior;
"I will give you twenty pieces for those two gems," said the man, “I have no need for the rest.”
man.
Eleana hesitated for a moment knowing she could get much more in another town if she could find one, then said "Deal.”
said,
Across the street was another little store, she would not be setting up camp anywhere anytime soon, so there was no need for seeds and farming tools.
store;
Hoping it wasn’t someone’s home she looked at the a tattered red cloth that replaced the door.
the tattered
There were shelves of shoes and cloth, and racks of clothing of all types and sizes. She felt a sigh of relief escape her as she saw merchandise. A short stocky woman
appeared out of a back room. "Kie, help ya," she said enthusiastically as if Eleana was her only customer in awhile.
Formatting.
"Em, indeed," the short woman said, "Tees look fine, a ‘undred pieces each".
said.
each."
"Yes" replied Eleana, "A meal and a room please."
"Yes,"
Eleana.
"Certainly, child," the woman said, "where ya from?"
said.
"Oh, somewhere south of here I think," she said “ I’m not really sure anymore.”
said.
“Don’t really know, probably” Eleana replied.
probably,"
It had been all her fault, she knew it deep within her.
fault;
It had been protected by some sort of invisible power.
Some sort of invisible power had protected it.
She remembered being really cold as a fire would have given away there location.
away their
She had eaten jerky and bread that night, she despised it but said nothing.
night;
“Find them,” she heard one of the voices say, “find those disrespectful mortals.”
say. "Find
They will find us both if I don’t,” her mother had said, “You stay here no matter what you see or hear.”
said.
“Mommy no I want to come with you,” Eleana had pleaded.
“Mommy no, I want to come with you,” Eleana pleaded.
“No Ely, stay here. I mean it, do you hear me?” her mother ordered, “You stay here until it is safe”
ordered.
safe."
“O..O..Okay mommy,” Eleana said tears now streaming down her face.
"O...O...Okay Mommy,"
Her mother had then crawled away. When she was a distance away she got up and started running back toward Eleana and out toward the clearing. Eleana now understood it
was to make it appear as though she had come from another direction.
Formatting.
“Get her,” one of the voices had said, “After her now.”
said,
“Kill me, you will not find her this day,” her mother had said, “ Invendo Hauda.”
said.
“Dragon,” one of the men screamed, “Dragon.”
screamed.
"Dragon!"
“Retreat men, retreat.” the man who had killed her mother said.
retreat,"
Flames engulfed some of them and there screams rang horribly throughout the woods.
their
“Maybe we shouldn’t try to find it either. It might be..” the female dragon shouted behind her but stopped suddenly as she saw.
be..."
“Not much to look at is she,” the yellow one said ”just a couple of bites, I think I will have her as a snack.”
said,
“Shut up Thorsic,” the blue one said “you’re gross.”
said. "You're
“I swear…”Miatsy began.
" Miatsy
“Calm yourselves you two,” A larger dragon said now emerging into the clearing.
a larger
The color was as deep as her mothers’ blood that was now pooling and running towards where she stood.
mother's
“You two need to quit bickering,” the father said, “We need to take this young human down into the valley.”
said.
“Oh you two will never learn. Maybe a human sibling will teach you some manners.” the father said.
manners,"
“Huh” said Miatsy as they all looked puzzled at her, “she understands us?”
"Huh,"
The ending could be a little stronger. But other than that, not too bad.
ALice
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