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126
126
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A longish short-story. I have other things I should be doing now, but found I had to finish reading. Very good.

Ah, the matches of old. We called them kitchen matches, the strike anywhere kind. I don't know if you can even buy them anymore. Safety matches are pitiful in comparison. When I was somewhere around Tommy's age I used a short piece of quarter inch copper tubing (for a barrel), shaved the heads off six or eight kitchen matches and cut a half inch piece from a quarter inch bolt (bullet). Tamped the powder and bullet into the barrel, put it on a concrete block and aimed it at a galvanized bucket three feet away. I held the barrel down with another concrete block. Not a candle, I used a propane torch. The bullet flew forward, putting a hole through both sides of the bucket. The barrel split and flew backwards. That's the last time I ever tried that. Looking back at some of the things I've done, it's a wonder I still have all my body parts.


*

The best I can come up with is:

The Lord is a jealous and avenging God; the Lord takes vengeance and is filled with wrath. The Lord takes vengeance on his foes and maintains his wrath against his enemies.

Am I close?

*

A few questions, comments and observations:


"You what? You hate Religion?" Aunt Hilda was incredulous.

"Yes. No, I mean--I don't hate religion. I hate the subject--ouch!"

Aunt Hilda was pulling him by the ear.

"Come here, you little scoundrel, you!"

She led him flailing and lashing--like an evil spirit burning in the Lake of Fire--to the form of the Redeemer, and made him kneel down.

(Scoundrel, by definition is correct, but by use, especially with little - little scoundrel - and children, usually is not connected to the wrath Hilda has. - "Johnny, you took a cookie out of the cookie jar, didn't you." Johnny sadly looks at his feet. "Yes, mom." "Well, come here you little scoundrel, you." - Followed by a hug. The exclamation point helps, but I don't think it is strong enough. - Tommy never knew his father. I would be tempted to have Hilda say: "Come here you little bastard!")



Then he threw away the match sticks in the trash can outside (opening and shutting the door like a mouse), went back to the kitchen, scrubbed the mortar and pestle, and returned them and the cutter to their proper places. Within a few minutes he was asleep. (opening and shutting the door like a mouse (?) I know he did it quietly and "quiet as a mouse" is a bit overdone, but picturing a mouse opening and closing a door, well...)



Every five days or so, the boy bought a few boxes of long matches. He varied the vendors as much as possible; sometimes he bought the boxes from a shop in a neighboring town. By mid-May, he had three stashes of match powder; a big one and two smaller ones. Tommy planned a trial detonation--two of them, actually--to test the effect of packing on the strength of the explosion. To this end, he bought a couple of M&M tubes, some cotton and a few sparklers. Shops were already stocking up on fireworks for the Fourth of July, with sparklers arriving in great quantities. They made excellent fuses. (Only a question. Under the conditions Tommy lives, where does he get the money to buy matches, sparklers and M&Ms? Assuming he gets a small allowance, why doesn't Hilda keep track of where his money goes?)



He had stripped matches and made them into powder for the last three months of his life--and it was all for nothing. Never mind the lost hours of sleep, never mind the--

Hold it, kiddo. You've still got one more to go. (in italics - Appears to be Tommy's thoughts and not intrusion by the author. In his frame of mind, I just wonder that he would think this thought.)

Yeah, but what good would it do?

*

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
127
127
Review of Planet Euphoria  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
First impression: Change the font. This is certainly hard to read.

The story is yours to tell. I may find it interesting or really not my thing. That doesn't matter. No one can write to every reader.

There's a roaring in my ears, the sound feels like its alll around me. (its - it's - it is) (alll - all)

So I guess I should probably start from the beginingI live on Planet Euphoria it's on the outskirts of this universe. (beginingI live - beginning I live)

There are some misspellings, run-ons and other errors, but honestly, my eyes were crossing before I got to the end. Change the font and send me a note. I'll be glad to give you a more meaningful review.

Wally
128
128
Review of Lizard  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well written. Crisp, no-nonsense style.

This is an enjoyably easy read. The story is complete and read for simple enjoyment I like it. There is the business of ripping it apart word by word, however. What I have to offer is only my opinion and may not be the opinion of others. Only you know with certainty how to tell your story.


*
A few questions, comments and observations:


The age of the case matter little to Lizard. (matter - mattered) (only typo I saw)

*

Lizard would have to be a pretty good detective. He would have to know the people he set up had no alibi. He would need to be meticulous in planting evidence and establishing motive. He was sloppy when it came to finding the gun, leaving Sanders questioning why he had missed finding it.

Witnesses saw Arnold arguing with Helms at a local nightspot two evenings before the murder. I wondered if Lizard was choosing his victims or just taking advantage of possible suspects. It seems his only motive is to build on his reputation.

I think the story would benefit from some detail about how and what evidence he planted in at least one case, probably Arnold's case, since this is the last one.




(“Where’s Alderson?” he asked.

“He’s in Hell,” Arnold said, his voice low and watery. “Of the five of us, he was actually guilty.”)

Mathews, Smith and Arnold are now murderers, but not in Hell. Maybe it takes a while or maybe it doesn't count after you're dead.

Lizard solved five murder cases. One shot in the courtroom, two died by lethal injection and two while serving life sentences. (During the last eighteen months, he broke the Matthews case, the Smith case, and the Alderson case.) The legal system is swift.




Lizard seems awfully calm when visited by the four ghosts.


The second half doesn't quite live up to my expectations from the first half. Of course, it is your story, to tell the way you want.


*

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
129
129
Review of Strange Land  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
(Your line) She remembered a terribly loud noise, totally impossible to describe, then suddenly the forest all around them had begun to collapse and the great black columns had been torn out by their roots.

At this I had to start over. Ah, yes. Actually, I couldn't help but smile at what I knew was coming and wondering how you were going to get there. I enjoyed your story.

*

A few observations, questions or comments:


Use a hyphen in some places.

gigantic pillar like protuberances
sponge like ground
straw like fashion
nose like protuberance

pillar-like
straw-like
sponge-like
nose-like


'Listen, can you hear that rumbling ?' (Space between last word and question mark for all I saw.)
'Yes,' replied Seela, 'Is it another quake ?'


...all her eyes could take in were huge white sharpened pillars... (A few commas could be added in a few places.)

all her eyes could take in were huge pillars
all her eyes could take in were white pillars
all her eyes could take in were sharpened pillars
all her eyes could take in were huge, white, sharpened pillars

*

Only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
130
130
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
To say much about this story would be to give away too much. I suspected bait and a trap after the third paragraph. It doesn't take away from the story.

In the beginning I knew nothing of the creature, the ship, prison and crew. By the end I know every feature. I know exactly what the creature looks like. It is unlikely that another reader or the author sees the same things. I think you supplied everything necessary. You gave me the chance to do my part, to use my imagination. Only my view, but I think this is a fine example of great short-story sci-fi.

Wally
131
131
Review of Government  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Your essay is clearly written.

As an opinion piece I offer only a kind of counterpoint to the issues you bring up. Whether I agree with you or not is not important. I bring them up as something you might want to address in your essay.

*

(Your line) It is my opinion that if the yard has not been maintained to city standards to date, it is not the fault of the owner.

If not the owner, then who would be at fault?



I do not live in a city, town or village. I live in a home surrounded on three sides by woods with a gravel road in front. There are no zoning laws concerning grass mowing. By law I cannot turn the place into a trash dump or pile wrecked cars on it, although there are a few places where it would be hard to tell the difference. For the most part I can do whatever I want. There are advantages, but for me living in the city is a choice I will never make.

With the advantages of living in a community come responsibilities. In Athens, Ohio, two of these responsibilities are keeping grass mowed in the summer and cleaning snow and ice from street-side sidewalks in the winter. Code Enforcement has the power to enact penalties for those who do not comply with the law. Is this fair? The majority of Athens residents seem to think it is.



(Your line) The problem shown in this example is that public officials maintain that they have the right to make these demands.

Public officials have no rights while performing the duties of their elected offices. They have no right to selectively enforce any law just as we have no right to ignore those laws we disagree with. Changing or getting rid of bad laws can certainly be a drawn out undertaking, but individuals choosing which laws to obey and which to break can not be the answer. It can only lead to chaos.



(Your lines) The enforcement board workers can be trained in methods of cooperation. They can contact the citizen, person to person, whose yard is at fault, and work out arrangements by which the city can maintain their yard.

As angry as a homeowner may be at getting a threatening "courtesy" letter, I can only imagine confrontations resulting from a code enforcement officer showing up on your doorstep, even one trained in cooperation. In the end you still have to cut the grass.

Should the city get involved in the lawn care business? What about the private lawn care businesses? Does the city cut your grass, competing with Pete's Lawn and Garden or does it contract with Pete and send you the bill? Isn't this something the homeowner could and should do, rather than expect government to do it for you?



I don't know if I want a friendlier government. Friendlier people dealing with the people would certainly be welcomed, not just in public offices, but also private industry.

Many politicians are very friendly right now, smiling and shaking hands. I count my fingers afterward.


*

Just a typo:
They can contact the citizen, person to person, whose yard is at fault, and work out arrangements by which the city can maintain eir yard. (eir - their)

*

Only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
132
132
Review of Final Legacy  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
My favorite episode of Star Trek TNG had Picard's mind taken over by an object the ship encountered in space. In simulation Picard lived a lifetime in a few minutes, experiencing the lives of a long dead race. Knowing their fate, this world loaded their everyday life experiences onto the object and sent it off in the hope that someone someday would find it. They simply wanted to be remembered. "Final Legacy" could easily be a short prequel to that story.

As usual, with your tales, there is little to comment on.

I thoroughly enjoyed the story.

Wally
133
133
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
You bring up one of the most irritating things encountered on the freeway. Traffic backups all generally have one thing in common, stupidity. One was a seven mile, two hour journey down interstate 77. Construction on a bridge caused the closing of one lane. The speed limit through the construction zone was 55, yet we were doing three and a half. Instead of falling in line, as reasonable people would do, a sufficient number simply can't wait, edging for a one of two car length advantage and creating the bottleneck. I can only imagine how frustrating this would be to a trucker.

I've seen truckers attempt to breakup such bottlenecks by two running side by side and blocking cars from joining the procession in front of them. I've also seen car drivers risk hitting a truck doing this or a barrier, with no where to go. At least in one instance what these two trucks were doing is illegal, as a truck driver friend of mine found out. He was cited for holding up traffic. (Be careful. They might be looking down at you.) I don't know about the other trucker.

Ah. If only all of us could learn patience.


Interesting story. I enjoyed reading it.

Wally
134
134
Review of Punctuation  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
As someone engaged in an everyday struggle with punctuation, I found your views interesting.

Someone in our local paper pointed out an article heading like: Smoking pets and food not allowed. Somewhat humorous when you think of smoking pets, but not so funny are the growing number of glaring errors appearing in newspapers and books.


(Your line) Discover your mind within a rhyme, or a melody.

I am certainly no authority on punctuation, but do try to improve. What I try to avoid is assuming that the author is in error when it could be a deliberate choice. (Discover your mind within a rhyme or a melody.) If writing without the comma I might say: Discover your mind within a rhyme or melody. But either way it is clearly understood.


(Your line) Are words not mere tools with which we play to create something beauitful and unique? (beauitful - beautiful)

(Are words not mere tools with which we play, to create something beautiful and unique?) I understand either way. Though I might write the same line in only a slightly different way, the author may have written it exactly the way they want it read.

I think you make a point that punctuation is sometimes over analyzed. Unless you are writing about smoking pets we should afford some leeway. Even then, we have to be certain the story is not about a dog that is on fire or picked up a bad habit before criticizing.


Just my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
135
135
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Well written article.

What's so special about carbon? Why must all life be carbon based? You bring up the possibility that life and carbon are not intrinsically linked. I find this an interesting subject.


*

A few questions and observations:

We have found creatures living in everything from dry frigid environments, to next to hot, toxic vents deep in the ocean... (to next to - This is something that caught my attention on the first read. After re-reading it became clear and I wondered if a comment was called for. But there was the first read. Next/near? Near does not read well. - to near hot, toxic - becomes (almost hot) vents and "to near to hot" is no better. Only for consideration: something like "to circling hot, toxic" or "to areas around hot, toxic.")

If any forms of life came to Earth by this event, it means that life can survive, least for some amount of time, in the vacuum of space. (survive, least for some - survive, at least for some)

How about “Shape Shifters,” intelligent beings that can change the form of their bodies at will, if we can imagine it, why can’t it be? Some people have claimed observing forms of life here on Earth that we normally cannot see, even though some of them appeared quite large. Most of these reports came from people at high altitudes. Such forms of life may not exist on this planet, unless they do; but that does not mean that they do not exist somewhere. (unless they do? Does this mean: unless they shape shift?)

If space and time do exist there, creatures like I mentioned above could live in the singularity of a black whole... (whole - hole)

Some may discount some of the works of writers on the bases that they have ideas that are too strange to be possible. (bases - basis)

*

Some may discount some of the works of writers on the basis that they have ideas that are too strange to be possible.

Above you mention life in the deep-ocean hot water vents. Clearly any story about worms living in such an environment, though it may be highly entertaining, is one of those stories too strange to be possible. That is, until we learned that it is true.

You mentioned “Secrets of the Universe.” This and other parts of your article reminded me of two stories I read long ago. One, I believe was named "The Slow Kings," beings living in ultra slow motion from our point of view. The other, I've forgotten the name, but in this one beings lived generations in a few of our hours on a tiny, fast spinning, extremely dense planet. These things are implausible however cannot be impossible until proven so. Though both stories are forgettable the concept that time and space does not have to conform to our narrow thinking lingers on.

I enjoyed reading your article. In a way it does what any well written sci-fi story does. It leaves the reader with much to ponder.

*

Absolutely nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
136
136
Review of FOREVER  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well written. I admit, you surprised me. I didn't know what to expect but wondered about what would come at the end.

I don't want to give away your story. I don't want to plug my own in a review of your work, except to say I have one that takes the other view. If you want to read I'll be glad to give you the name.


*

A few observations, questions and suggestions:

Life. I have seen so much life. I have also seen its inevitable death and return to that which it was made. (please consider: ...and return to that FROM which it was made.)

My memory can still recall the force as the earth was fractured and changed by and unimaginable and destructive power. (My memory can recall...? I can recall...) (as the earth - with "the" before "earth" I take earth to be ground and not planet Earth.)

A promise of forever. An end of fear. The vanquishing of time. Some concept still eludes me.. I will check my memory... (Some concept still eludes me...? Some concepts still elude me... This concept eludes me...)

There is still something that eludes me. I have remembered all the words from the man-creatures book. (man-creatures - man-creature's)

A simple marker made of two pieces of wood is placed on the earth above him. My memory has taught me of tears. The man-creatures shed these upon him to nourish the soil just as his body will help to bring forth new life. (Stumbled a little here until I realized these are other man-creatures. Partly because of missing possessives (above) even though I don't think I saw a missing contraction apostrophe. The first time through I read: The man-creature's shed these upon him to nourish the soil... - The man-creature has shed these upon him to nourish the soil... )

*

Technically: I don't like all those line spaces, but have no effect on what I think about the story.

*

Quite interesting. I enjoyed your story.



Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally



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Review of Forgiveness  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
A well written essay from an intellectual point of view. Is it within us to forgive? Some, yes. Some, no.

*

The very long paragraphs should be broken up. Since it is narrative sometimes finding natural breaks may be more difficult, but try to limit paragraphs to 6 or 8 lines at the most. Below I have added a few in. They may not be where you would choose.


There are some who believe that they would forgive the soldier as I would. One of these people is a student who responded to Simon’s book. One reason he would forgive the Nazi is “For the sole reason that I would be able to prove that there was still hope and anything good in the world.” This is a good point. Just because the Nazis acted inhumanely, just because they were “evil,” doesn’t mean that you have to sink to that level. You should show that you are the better person, and that they didn’t remove the good in you.

Expanding on this idea, the student continues by saying that they “Would show that no matter what suffering and pain the Nazis imposed upon me, they could never take away my compassion, something that is so deep in my character and something they all lacked. The death of my compassion is the death of me.”

Again, it is important that you show that there is still good in the world. That although the Nazis attempted to impose fear through pain and suffering that they didn’t completely destroy hope and justice. By forgiving the Nazi, you would show that you have the moral victory of surviving the death camps intact, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. Your compassion, your soul, survived as well as your body.

However, the student then says that “By no means would it be easy… the manner in which he asked (for his own benefit, so that he may be comfortable when he died, almost out of convenience and not really...


It keeps my poor old eyes from becoming lost in a sea or words.

*

Just a couple typos I happened to catch:

Anne frank shows us that feeling guilty about wrongs committed against another person can haunt you. (frank - Frank)

Anne hopes that she makes it, because there were many problems between then that Anne wanted to make up for. (between then - between them)

It is true that a person may feel freer without the resent in their mind. (resent - resentment)

Harold Kushner’s idea of a feedback mechanism; a person faced with the same experience twice while react the same way both times. (while - will)

*

But this is like saying that if a child touches a hot stove and burns themselves, they will continue to do so. It just doesn’t occur that way. (This is a repeated statement. Suggest changing it to a reminder of the earlier lines. - But, as in the example of the child and the hot stove, it just doesn't occur that way.)

*

From the top of this review. Intellectuallly we all give serious thought to just what would we do in a given situation. But can we really know if never facing that situation. I don't know. Simon Wiesenthal may have at some point in his early life believed as you do only to find reality so overpowering that he could never bring himself to forgive. Lets hope we never find out about ourselves.

Absolutely nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
138
138
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
At first I got the image of Mad Max's world. But then you add other elements, (passengers luxuriously traveling, etc.) making it more complex.

My opinion only:

Excellent prologue. You say it is a teaser and it is. Done as this one is, this reader, at least, is compelled to turn the page. Unfortunately, at this time, there is no next page.

*

Kaine was proud to own such a beautiful bike, and meticulously kept up with the upkeep necessary to keep her going, especially out in the wastelands. (kept up with the upkeep necessary to keep - I don't see anything like this in the rest of the story. It looks like your are intentially drawing attention to "keep." I would probably mix it up a little, but it may be exactly what you want. I bring it up only because it did catch my attention.)



Wally
139
139
Review of Oscar  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.5)
Oscar

A considerable amount of effort went into writing this story although it encompasses only a short series of events.


*

A question that you did not answer is: "What makes Oscar tick?" He is a very powerful, manical killer, but that's all we really learned about him. Having said that, I accept that you tell the story you want to tell and this one is complete.


*
Some of the things that caught my attention:


...he named the voice "self". (Once Oscar named the voice it became proper. "Self")

One sleeve of the black polo had been completely torn off and the grey cargo pants… (Is this black polo shirt?)

He stalked along the wall to the right of the door where the shadows were darkest watching and listening intently. (stalked ? – It seems Oscar is waiting at the door for something to happen.)


...his strong fingers digging into the flesh of the mans neck pulling him face to face. (mans - man's)

The man was wearing large night vision goggles and Oscar stared at reflection curiously. He was smiling again. (?) (Was Oscar staring at his reflection in the night vision goggles?) (Who was smiling? I assume it is Oscar?)

Oscar lifted the man up in the air with the one hand and sneered. (I wonder at the need for “up in the air.”)

Oscar felt the strength drain from the man a little, before the soldiers instinct kicked in…(soldiers – soldier’s)

The man scream came out as a gurgle as Oscar's hand squeezed around his voicebox and ripped it out. (The man – The man’s) (voicebox – voice box - I might use larynx)

The second and third man ran into the room, guns raised as the body of their friend hit the floor. (From above we know there are more than one. This is a very minor point but consider: A second and third man…)

Oscar smiled and crouched his body flatter against the ceiling as the two men spun in panic. (A little trouble seeing Oscar crouching flatter. Maybe it would be better just to flatten his body.)

The mans neck snapped with a sickening pop, after a sharp twist of Oscars forearms. (The mans – The man’s)

"Run" Oscar said low voice "Leave your friends, and run" (Oscar said low voice – Is this Oscar said in a low voice – Oscar, his voice low, said) (Does “low” refer to pitch or sound level?) (To me it is of no great consequence but I’ll point out the lack of punctuation throughout when presenting dialog. "Run," Oscar said in a low voice. "Leave your friends, and run.)

Oscar dropped from the ceiling, twisting in the air to land on his feet with a loud stomp. (Consider another word for stomp. The first that comes to mind is thump.)

As Oscar began to advance on the man, the clip dropped out and the assault rifle ejected the bullet that rested in the chamber by itself. (It may have seemed to the man that the rifle did this but we know Oscar caused it to happen. I imagine the man was very surprised.)


He thought about gouging the mans eyes out with his thumbs, or maybe squeezing his head between both palms until it smushed like a grape. (mans - man's - Quite a few places should be possesive.)

He could already feel self busy at work trying to regenerate his torn organs... (self - Self - Since Self is a name Oscar has given to his inner voice I would capitalize it when Self is identified with a proper name.)

The spotters outburst had made the sniper look at his before realizing his mistake. (spotters - spotter's) (Look at his what?)

The radio fell from his hand and crackling to life. (The radio fell from his hand and crackled to life. OR The radio fell from his hand, crackling to life.)

"Team Alpha and Beta, this is War fox" the radio garbled. "Do not engage target until back up arrives, over. Target is a type 6 extremely dangerous, repeat, do not engage until back up arrives." (garbled ?) (back up - backup)

*

I am afraid I have never heard of a Jersey Devil--until now. A pretty nasty fellow.

I see no problems with the story outside a considerable need for editing.

Absolutely nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
140
140
Review of Live For Today  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.5)
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Always good to remember no matter how it is said.



A few things you might want to look at:

Sometimes life can be cold, and it can be harsh. (In context "cold" and "harsh" are similar in meaning. For consideration only: Use one or the other. - Sometimes life can be harsh.)

If you future is all planned out then once you get...(If you future - If your future)

...day could change your future entirely, So pay attention to what... (entirely, So pay - entirely, so pay -cap/lower case)

Pay attention to each and every person in your life's feelings... (I understand but should be re-worded. - Pay attention to the feelings of each and every person in your life...)

...they will remember how you made them feel your friends and your enemies...(them feel your - them feel, both your)

...The try treat people right and that alone help your future. (The try treat people - then try to treat people)

I might write it this way. Not that you should. Only for your consideration of alternate word or phrase choices.

Pay attention to the feelings of each and every person in your life. They will remember how you made them feel, both your friends and your enemies. Then try to treat people right. That alone will brighten your future.




This very short story goes in two directions. Live in the now and treat people with respect. Linking the two is difficult even if they lead to the same result. I probably would finish the planning for the future part, showing how a better life may be had, then reinforce with treating everyone with respect to its conclusion.



Nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
141
141
Review of Crime Time  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A good, if somewhat bloody story.

I find little use spending time retelling a story. All anyone has to do is read it to know. "Crime Time" is complete.

Most of the time I mention those things that stand out to me. It is your story. I cannot write it, so many of the things below may be viewed as a matter of opinion. If anything is helpful I am pleased. If not, please disregard.

*

It was dark but the lights and sounds of big city of Nashville were never ending in the dreary night. (It was dark but the lights and sounds of THE big city of Nashville were never ending in the dreary night. - Even on the dreariest of nights the big-city lights and sounds of Nashville were never ending.)



She could hear his sluggish walk down the stairway and she prepared herself. (sluggish walk - sluggish steps) (She could hear him sluggishly walking down the stairway and prepared herself.)

The screeching of the brakes, the goliath rain pounding against the road, the car, the bone-breaking sound of the thunder raced through her head more vividly, clearer than ever before. (The screeching of what brakes? She is standing at the door. I know she is recalling an earlier event but unless we know that (which we do from below) the first reaction is "Huh?". (I wouldn't use "goliath" or "bone-breaking.") (sound of thunder - Sound is identified with thunder. I wouldn't use "sound".)

She could hear the screeching of the brakes as vividly as the night it happened, the rain pounding against the road, the car, the crashing thunder raced through her head, clearer than ever before.



She could hear the screeching as if it were again that night. She could hear the pounding thunder and feel the frigid rain on her pale skin. Damien kicked Willow in the shin forcing her to come back into the reality of the moment. (She again or still is recalling a past event.) (The tortuous memories were forced from her when Damien kicked her in the shin. She returned to the reality of the moment.)



The door handle was slowly turning. He was coming. Willow wasn’t scared. She knew what she had to do. The door creaked open and Willow leaped forward and slapped a hand over the fighting victims mouth. She struggled to pin the man against the wall few feet behind him. With her other hand, she reached into her back pocket to pull out a small but sturdy handgun. Willow jammed the gun to the the side of the victim’s head. (He wasn't coming. He was at the door turning the door handle. I would remove "He was coming.") (Handguns are sturdy but I don't see a reason for pointing this out. I would remove sturdy.) (to pull - and pulled - With her other hand, she reached into her back pocket and pulled out a small handgun.) (She struggled to pin the man against the wall 'a' few feet behind him.) (victim - I can't see Willow thinking Damien is a victim. If the author is telling the reader that Damien is a victim then it should be "her victim.")

The door handle was slowly turning. Willow wasn’t scared. She knew what she had to do. The door creaked open and Willow leaped forward and slapped a hand over the man's mouth. She struggled to pin him against the wall a few feet behind him. With her other hand, she reached into her back pocket and pulled out a small handgun. Willow jammed the gun to the the side of the man's head.



Willow placed her finger on the trigger of the small, loaded gun. Damien tensed and struggled in the arms of Willow but escaping was impossible. He thrust his free arm into Willow’s stomach. She lapsed slightly and her hand slipped from his mouth to tend to her hurting stomach. She kept his body pressed to him so he couldn’t escape and when her stomach recovered she placed her hand against his mouth once again. (Here I would give the gun a name. The gun is already known to be small. Beretta may be associated with small handgun. - Willow placed her finger on the Beretta's trigger.) (It would be very careless not to load the gun. I wouldn't keep "loaded") (She kept his body pressed to him... - She kept HER body pressed to him...) (I have difficulity picturing this event. Escape is impossible, he has a gun pressed to his head yet he punches her in the stomach. Until she recovers she holds the gun to Damien's head, pressed belly to belly with her other hand between them.)

I don't think I can give an example of what I might do here and still keep within the story.


She ignored the cuts in her side where crushed metal had sliced her skin. (Some things are a matter of word choice. I would say "torn metal", but this would be my choice. The only point I want to make is that every word is subject to change. Read carefully and ask yourself if this is the word I want. Is it the best word. Attributed to Mark Twain: "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.")

Sobbing tears began rushing down Willow’s blank but angry face. (An example of word or phrase choice. How is anger seen in a blank face?)

The blood colored walls and tiny window near the ceiling of the her room protected her neighbors eyes from what she was about to do. (Example: protected - blocked)

*

For others I can't speak, but no story I have ever written looks like the first draft. Though many have helped uncover my mistakes, these are errors still present only after many re-reads and edits I have made. I see no great flaws in your story, but I think it could be made better.

Absolutely nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
142
142
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hmmm. If we forget our past we are likely to make the same mistakes again.

As it stands I see this as either a short story or a prologue, of course depending on what you want to make of it. As a short story it works around the same mistakes idea although I would want a little more to highlight this in the last couple of paragraphs. (Your line: This will include less exposition and more character development and dialogue.) I admit to being somewhat unusual, but I normally believe less is more in a short story. Tell me what I need to know; I'll fill in the detail. For me I like it the way it is.

As a prologue there are certainly numerous possibilities.

The story is well written and imaginative.


*

A few questions and comments:


The emergence of a single great consciousness would mark the extinction of an entire race. A race that evolved itself into oblivion.

(The Aki were still individuals at the time of merging with humans. As I read this, one Aki merges with one primate. At the time of merging there would be few primates. Are the Aki also few in number or did not all Aki merge?)



As they multiply and take charge of their world, so shall we. And we will prosper and thrive and live.

(I take this to mean that part(s) of the Aki are passed along to each new generation of humans during the birth process. The Aki will prosper and thrive. Are they passed as intellect only or do they retain experience and memory also? There is also the possibility that new Aki merged into new humans, but they were close to evolving themselves into oblivion when they found the pre-human race.)

(...prosper and thrive and live. - I think I would use one or the other. And we will prosper and live. This is another problem. If we prosper it probably means we will live. - suggest something like: We will live and we shall flourish as a part of these sensual beings. - Well anyway, something with a little more bang to it.)




Over even more millennia, physical bodies were shed, and individual boundaries became blurred.

The cold, smog-cloaked home world was left behind by the human expedition. Even with the knowledge that the quest could encompass generations, the travelers knew that it was their only chance to survive.

(Physical bodies were shed. Why is the home world cold and smog-cloaked? Why would a non-corporeal lifeform have trouble surviving in the cold and smog?)

*

Nothing but my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
143
143
Review of A Child Sleeps  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good story. Well written. A moment of peace and wonderment.


There are a few things I would do differently, but it is your story to tell. Just something to consider.

*

He has his father’s dark, light mahogany, polished with gold shimmers, skin. (Skin has enough separation from father's dark to cause a little difficulity when reading. Also, dark/light together seems to be at odds. - At the least I would make it: He has his father's dark skin, light mahogeny polished with gold shimmers. - suggestion only, something like: He has his father's coloring with skin the hue of light mahogany polished with gold shimmers.)

*

Sleep is the closest tranquility to death. I do not wish death and actually never want it associated with my children but the likeness is what amazes me. How, when a child sleeps, it is so undisturbed that nothing can wake it.

Everyone knows that death comes at the end of life. We will die. Our children will die and our children's children. I understand why you included death as having a likeness to sleep, but I believe that in this story of life, newness and beauty the piece would benefit by omitting death.

*

Certainly nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
144
144
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well written. It is a good beginning. I tried to imagine reading this to the grandkids, one can read it, another close and three not yet. I would peg it at maybe 7 to 10 years.

...there lived in a place called Blue Meadow a young rabbit couple named the Hoppas. (named the Hoppas - ...a young couple named the Smiths. suggestion only: ...rabbit couple named Hoppa. OR ...rabbit couple, the Hoppas.)

There, lying awkwardly in Mrs. Hoppa’s arms, lay a single baby the size of a full-grown rabbit. (I can see talking rabbits, but I have a lot of trouble seeing this. I don't know how many is usual for a rabbit (3, 6,?) so I might accept one very large baby. I just can't bring myself to see mama Hoppa carrying around a baby as big as she is before birth. Half the size, well maybe.)

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
145
145
Review of The Steps  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thinking, speaking inanimate objects seems strange, but I guess if I can have talking chickens this only the next 'step."

“You know, I think you’re right Four, we are important, just not as important as we’d like to be. But then, we can’t always be what we want, can we?” (I can't think of a way to say it better.)

The writing is crisp. I think the dialog works very well. I found nothing to suggest.

Wally
146
146
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Yet another excuse for missing one of those dates. Well, this is as good as any I could come up with. I enjoyed your story.

*

Only a couple of things to look at:

The creatures that walked in looked to be at least seven foot tall. (suggest: seven feet tall instead of seven foot tall.)

The voice was mechanical sounding and seemed to come from a device strapped to his throat. (This is a 'creature' speaking. I suggest: its throat rather than his throat.)

*

Nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
147
147
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
A testament to the teachings and wisdom of Jesus.


They wanted to see how He would handle it. (If I remember correctly, they were more devious than this sentence suggests, the purpose to have Jesus either betray his own teachings or break the law.)

One of my most favorite passages in the Bible is when the scribes and Pharisees bring a woman caught in the very act of adultery in front of Jesus. (suggest removing 'most' and 'very'. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is when the scribes and Pharisees bring a woman, caught in the act of adultery, in front of Jesus. It changes little and I believe reads smoother.)

Only my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
148
148
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An interesting idea. Maybe more interesting is how you tie it into Olympic games.

*

Just a few things I noticed that you might want to look at.

It had bee a struggle to get it ready for the massive influx of visitors... (bee)

The game didn’t start for nearly an hour, but people enjoyed getting there early... (didn't - wouldn't - I can see didn't used in thought, but here I would use wouldn't.)

According to the official roster, nearly Americans occupied 90,000 of the seats, and they showed it. (? - nearly Americans - Is this "almost Americans" or are words out of place?) (? - roster - Roster is an unusual word to use outside of military or team lists. Just above, the stadium is already full of spectators so I assume the 90,000 are not participants in whatever sporting event this may be.)

“Oh well. At leas they haven’t made a big deal over the Alaska Dispute. (leas)

“Quite a display, isn’t it? I guess they’re still not quite over the 1st Revolution” Anthony started at the sudden voice and spun around. (period after Revolution.) (It seems more logical to flaunt their win of the second revolution than their failure in the first.)

It was being dealt with under the table and without a lot of fan fare. (fan fare - fanfare)

No sooner had they done that did the royal announcer, dress in a puffy red and gold outfit, announce the first of the many-to-come nobles. (dress - dressed)

*

Something for your consideration:

“Anyways, it appears that the royal announcer has arrived. I expect we’ll be doing a lot of standing and bowing, so let’s stand up and greet the rest, shall we?” Patrick quipped, setting down his water and standing. Anthony did the same, straightening his cloak. Had to look nice, after all. No sooner had they done that did the royal announcer, dress in a puffy red and gold outfit, announce the first of the many-to-come nobles.

(Anthony and Patrick must have attended many such functions. Both should know what to expect. We didn't know Anthony was holding water until he sets it down. It is not a big problem, but I probably would give him some water earlier. I changed set to sip only in anticipation of the long presentation to come.)

(“Anyway, it appears that the royal announcer has arrived. Shall we?” Patrick quipped, as he took one final sip of water. Anthony did the same, straightening his cloak. Had to look nice, after all. No sooner than they were on their feet did the royal announcer, dressed in a puffy red and gold outfit, declare the arrival of the first of the many-to-come nobles.)

This might be the way I would write it, not the way you should. It is your story and you should tell it the way you want.

*

I would break up long paragraphs, especially the first two. Making them 6 or 7 lines long makes the reading easier. Almost always there are natural breaks. One is below.

...you got a view of the entire field. The seating also did something else.

...you got a view of the entire field.

The seating also did something else.

*

Nothing but my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
149
149
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well written. I think the story is very good. This story speaks for itself, as does any well-done tale.

Below are some things I noticed or possibly would do differently. That is not to say it is the way you should write your story.

I like to think I would have taken notice of "I like seeing you in that t-shirt…" without the title reference and teaser, but I can't say I would have if I hadn't been watching for it.

Larry says he needs more wine. Alice listens, feeds Max and checks the locks. From the computer screen she reads, Larry>>>I like seeing you in that t-shirt…<<<. She rushes to the front window and sees a tall shadow of a man holding a movie camera. She must be thinking this man is Larry who has somehow gotten from where he was to outside her apartment in the time she was doing those chores. I think I would put a cell phone in the man’s hand, his face dimly lit by the glow of its screen.

Larry takes an awfully long time getting that wine, but this may not be sequential in time.


*

Only one typo I noticed:
“He moved in last month. He collected and repaired old movie camera and sold them at auction. (camera)

*

An amazingly flexible piece. A few words added here and there can have the reader twisting back and forth. Maybe the ending is clear or maybe it leaves the reader wondering, drawing their own conclusions.

(Maybe Alice got the right guy and saved herself because of the typo. Alice was released after police found hundreds of pictures of her in Anderson's apartment.)

(A combination. Maybe she shot one stalker whose DNA does or doesn't match. Maybe there is another.)

*

The only suggestion I can make would be to sway the reader with subtle hints that things may not be exactly as they seem, but then again maybe they are.

Seemed like such a nice man. (kept to himself, never had any visitors)" (He did point the movie camera at Alice.)


Larry>>>I’m back - Got a fresh glass of wine,<<<<
Larry>>>Alisa?…Helloooo<<<<
Larry>>>Where were we?<<<

(Larry read through their conversation nearly spilling his wine when he discovered his error.)

Larry>>>Oh yeah - I was saying how I‘d like seeing you in that t-shirt<<<<
Larry>>>Alisa?<<<
Larry>>>Helloooo<<<<

(What error? Did he accidentally tell the truth and he is stalking Alice? Maybe he simply realized he would look like a stalker and wanted to correct his mistake. The reader would have to decide.)

Maybe the last scene has Larry pulling out a picture of Alice in that t-shirt.

I always enjoy the twisted tale. I see many possibilities in this one, but you are the only one who knows what is best.

Nothing more than my opinions and suggestions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
150
150
Review of The Crop  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very simple story done extremely well. For whatever my opinion is worth, I feel this is what short-story writing is about.

I have nothing to offer. No questions to ask. No suggestions to make. No errors to point out.

In the end I too smiled.

Enjoyed your story.

Wally
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