Craziness abounds! I'm pretty much done my two huge grants due Friday... oh yah!!! .. just will review one more time tomorrow and then away they go!

I'm hanging at Drewster's house tonight having a sleepover! And have a meeting in Victoria in the morning, so it's handy to stay down here rather than fight with traffic in the morning. One advantage of them moving to some high end, over priced condo in the big City!

I'm just packing it in, and not much to say, but I did just watch this 20 min TED talk and thought I'd share for those with 20 mins to spare!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0&feature=player_embedded

Tomorrow is busy busy til at least 9pm with meetings, but might pop in here for an update. Boy #3 is coming to the night meeting as he's volunteering on a project that I am working on ... hmmm .. yah it's a ploy. And now he's offering me new (to me, old to him) tires for my car. So yah, this keeps on getting better and better all the time!

Ok ... off to zzz I go. Have a good day y'all!

hugs
bugz
 

Nope .. I had a long chat with the gal who is the staff person who also attends the Commission meetings. She actually took a 'mental' health day after that last meeting she was so tired of all the bullshit. She goes through it every day over there .. she deserves a fucking medal as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how she does it.

She went on and on about how 'she/they' need me to stay on. She told me things that I already know .. that I am the only woman, I am the only one who brings the community perspective, how I am the only one who questions all the bullshit ... but it was still nice to get some reassurances that I do need to stay and still 'try' to effect some change.

So I won't quit for now. I will see how the next few months go. She also said I should run for 'chair'. That would totally change the whole tone of the meetings We'd be doing team building exercises and mushy ice breakers. OMG I can see it now!!

At my staff meeting last Friday, I had given everyone an assignment to write 500 words about themselves as if they were getting an award. It was an absolutely amazing meeting. Everyone is so talented .. they gave themselves incredible awards - the 18 year old gal who has only been working with us a few weeks gave herself the Procrastinator' Award, another gal gave herself the Being Appreciated for a Job Well Done award (also turns out she was an Olympic contender for Triathlons .... wow!! I had NO idea! )

Needless to say, we all have a greater appreciation for who we all are and there were more than a few tears shed.

Amazing.

Can you just imagine all those bald, holier than thou, old dickheads sharing their life's triumphs and crying Oh that would be soooo fun!!

Anyway, for now, I will just continue on pushing the envelope. I plan to ask for 3 items for next month's agenda .. a full accounting of everyone's budgets and definitely a further discussion about Commission members benefiting personally financially for our work .. and something else, I forget

So now it's Sunday night. I had an interesting weekend. Boy #3 came over last night to watch a live stream video on the Iniut and Climate Change and he made dinner while I worked

But his smoking is just out of control and nasty, so I made him go home after that! He was like a sad little boy, it was kinda sad for sure, but .. well anyway. I will tell him in a few minutes how much his smoking is just too gross for me.

He came over today ( left his phone here last night and so 'had' to come over today.) So I made him breakfast and he spend the afternoon fixing my roof while I powerwashed my whole house and dock. Then I made him dinner. Now he is playing guitar and telling me to work

So I will get to writing on my grant in a few minutes, just thought I'd pop in and try to keep a more regular schedule. This week is out of control ... two meetings tomorrow night, an emergency board meeting Tuesday, then whipping down to Victoria after that for Drew's birthday, then another meeting Wednesday. Huge grant due Friday .. by that time I will be whacked out totally. But my favourite band is playing the pub on Friday, so I need to be alive for that! If boy #3 behaves I MIGHT let him come along ... we'll see. It's a big step to let him hang out with my friends!

Ok .. must get back to it here.

Nice music though .. he's pretty damn good!

Have a good week all.

bugz
 

Another quick one .... didn't get a $30,000 grant today. That was realllllly hard to take. They loved our proposal and the grant submission, but they felt we should apply through another funding stream of theirs. Which doesn't mean it was 'no' per se, but it does mean that money we could have received next month will be delayed if/when I reapply until February. That's a long wayaway and we need the money now.

sigh

On the good news front, we received approval for an 5 month fully paid internship ... so we can have a person for 5 months to work on a project which is great. So bodies are good to have ... and free bodies are even better.

On the other bad news front .. I'm really too tired to talk about it, but I also feel if I dont' download I'll never sleep again. I came home tonight after a 4.5 hour Environment Commission meeting and I want to hit somebody. I am consistently dismissed, I am consistently ignored, I am consistently undermined and I'm fed up. It's way too long a story to tell my frustrations from this meeting, but I am seriously considering resigned after the end of this two year term in December. I am the only woman on the committee, the rest are old, bald, men who side talk and have private conversations and side deals outside of the meetings - they allocate funding to themselves which I think is a total fucking conflict of interest and called them on that fact tonight!!! My concerns were completely dismissed and I am going to read the minutes when they come out and if my concerns are NOT in the minutes, I will raise this issue more formally.

I submitted my subcommittee report (which I had to complete on my OWN as my two subcommittee members could NEVER make time for a meeting) so I presented a report that I drew up asking for $4250.00 and there was a ten minute conversation questioning everything I said and asked for .. but finally they voted to accept my proposal. THEN another committee member who wasnt even THERE asked someone else to ask for $5000 for his committee with no budget, no proposal, no outline NOTHING .. so when I SAID ummm excuse me, I am NOT voting to give him $ with NO substantiation or back up information FINALLY someone else agreed with me, and the motion got shot down.

ONE for the little guy!

BUT when I had also asked IF there was extra money I would like an additional $2000 they said NO WAY .. BUT get this .. when the last subcommittee reported and asked for $14,000 ( you do the math ... that is slightly over $5000 which is what we were originally allocated right???)
... THEY SAID YES!!

I abstained from voting on that one, but no body cared about that.

And so goes our political system here.

I am one teeny tiny pea in a fucking huge pod of dicks and I've had it.

So there ..

So herein lies my quandary .. quit and then lose ANY hope I have of affecting change at the political level?

or

Save my sanity and just say in the grand scheme of things my little community waving flag isn't really going to do any good and my time can be better spent kayaking.

Choices, choices.

You decide and get back to me!

And tomorrow's FRIDAY!

Thank fucking god!

Have a good one everybody!

hugs
bugz
 

Had a total meltdown at work today and started to cry when one of the staff members ... well the one that is not even getting paid right now as we have no money but still comes in everyday and 'volunteers' ... hugged me and then went on for ten minutes about how great I am and how fabulous it is to 'work' there even though we can't even pay her !!!

Well I lost it and had to go for a walk and get myself together.

The rest of the day was the usual insanity and trying to prepare some sort of budget of projections of what's owed, if and how we can make payroll next week and then what is projected to come in if all goes well.

If all the grants come through that I've written lately we will be coming in with over $300,000.00 but for right now with dozens of unknowns, it's so damn hard to work things out.

I did determine that with outstanding invoices we are owed for sure, we should be okay until November 12th. But again, I'm waiting for word on 4 grants right now that we should have heard about already so things could change on a dime. But the stress of trying to hold this all together has just reached an all time high and I'm seriously cracking under the pressure.

So tonight was our Board meeting and we had an 'in camera' session (which means the information discussed is confidential and not to be kept in our public records) We had a good hour flat out discussion, where I just said, I couldn't hold the load of all this stress by myself. I made a few suggestions on what they could do to help (there are 12 of them and one of me after all) and to their credit, they had some good ideas on what they could take on.

Then nearing the end of my purging .... one of the board members said that he would set up an interest free $10,000.00 line of credit for us to use for an indefinite amount of time to help us during cash flow crunches.

I couldn't hold back any longer ... I burst into tears again (brilliant move on my part ) and at the very end of the meeting, I just couldn't hold back and somehow managed to blubber my way through a little speech about gratitude and that in my deepest intuition I know that we are going to continue on with our amazing work and that we have so much to do and so much to accomplish and how we truly do have the most amazing staff in the world ... and somewhere in all that, I confessed that I had had countless sleepless nights and how grateful that I was to know that I am not alone.

Yeah.

Way cool stuff.

It was a good day


bugz

ohhh and the fact that one of our garden projects won a local municipality Community Design Award today ... and we have been shortlisted for a National Environmental Initiatives Award that comes with a whopping $5000.00 cheque!
 

I've been trying to get back in here ... gosh how life gets in the way of doing the stuff I want to do. So once again, I will whip through a list of five and try to catch up my life here.

1 - work stress has hit an all time high. Financially we are screwed even with the big grant that I managed to get for November. We can't make payroll in two weeks unless we get a lucky break from a few other grants that I've written lately. It's been a real struggle and sometimes even though I 'know' we will be okay, keeping money in the bank has proven to be more than I can handle. I've taken a huge paycut so make sure others get their money, but not sure how long even that will help. Sigh ... trust, trust, trust. That's the best I can do there.

2 - boys, boys, boys ... once she had 3 now, she has zip. My crush is completely over I guess. He was up here sailing on the long weekend and didn't even call or come by to say hi, so that is just about a big a smack in the head that I can get ... so need to let that one go. And the older boating guy is just that ... old and boring. He is not inspiring to me at all, we did have a nice date a week or so ago and wants to come up next week, but ... yah. Bleck. And boy #3 has turned into quite a piece of work. We've agreed to be friends ... just tonight he took me to a local pub to see a great band, but seriously it's such a long story I can't possibily get into it, but he has so many issues and problems including no job, no money, and has to move in 2 weeks from his apartment, etcetc ... I can't get into anything with him at all. He drives me a bit nutso on top of all of that ... but he took my telling him flat out .. "I don't want to be in a relationship with you' quite well! .. yah. but he is going to fix the siding on my house this week .. so he's a good friend to have.

3 - my writing work will have to increase which makes me go slightly insane. Six hours I wrote today and although I'm grateful for the extra work and money, it's killing me to not have any time off and I'm sick to death of everyone telling me I work too much. I fucking KNOW I work too much, having two jobs with one being already way more than just one regular job is insane .. I KNOW THAT! BUT with now even less money from my regular job, there is not much I can do except get more writing work. And no ... I am NOT going to work less hours at my job just because I'm getting paid less ... that will make things even worse. If I don't get the 3 grants written that are due in the next two weeks, I might as well just pack it in .. and I'm not prepared to do that.

4 - well at least Devann is in more regular contact now and she is loving Nicaragua. I was talking to her today and she totally loves it there, which is awesome. I am thinking one more year/two tops around here and I want to move south. I know after her experience she will be totally game for that, and that thrills me to death. Once I get enough online writing gigs set up, and get my little organization here working well without me .. I'm splitting. Sigh .. just thinking about that makes me happy.

5 - I have a huge one to talk about here but it's not for tonight. There has been something completely strangling me for the last two years and I think finally this week, it's going to come to a head. Although I have been dreading this day, I think once it's over, I will be relieved. I will write more about this another time ...just suffice to say that I will be finally be taking care of something that has been the absolutely most stressful experience of my life. It's not over by any stretch, but this next step will be one big one toward being able to finally move on and get my life back on track ... sigh. That's all I can say for now, it's too late /early to start crying again, work in a few hours and I hate going in looking like shit. So yah....

Tomorrow is Monday .. long week ahead for sure. Three night meetings - not sure when boy #2 will be able to meet me .. i forgot when he called earlier that my week was so crazy. But tomorrow I should find out about a grant that I wrote awhile back .. fingers crossed, this one could get us through the next rough spot and then if I find about another one (hopefully next week sometime) we could be totally in the clear!!

Ok .. off to try to sleep now. Have a great week everyone

bugz
 

Rats .. so much for finding time to blog. Can't believe how much has happened since my last entry ... I think I will need more than 5, but here goes:

#1 - yup .. it was a hellllofa birthday parteee! Started at 9am at the office. We had a fabulous breakfast as usual. Then my prezzie was ... omg .. I so wish I could take a few minutes and delete old crap from my port, because you so wouldn't believe what the staff put together. I have talked about doing a 'naked farmer' calendar as a fundraiser for two years .. welllllll ... I GOT ONE! They called a bunch of our farmer friends and got them to agree to make 'one' calendar for just moi! It is absolutely hilarious and I must say .. some of those farmers are damn HOT!!!

From there, it was a liquid lunch with some board members! AND then half way through lunch , I got the call from the major funder .. (see previous entry) and WE ARE GOING TO GET THE GRANT!!! And .. it gets better. I tried to stay conservative on my budget, and she said I had to spend another $9,000.00 OHH I SO can do that!!

Then it was some running around, then to the local pub for a night of disgustingly fattening food, shooters galore (compliments of the owner's brother who thought he could entice me upstairs later .. ummm no. BUT the band was hilarious, singing me happy birthday like 4 times and I was ummm pretty out of control!

Then the after party til 4am at my house .. and let's just say I have a few unaccounted for bruises in odd places! skip ahead to #3 if you want more dirt) Thank god, I had the next day off and managed to almost sleep it off by 3pm that day! Super fun!

#2 - ohhh kinda said it already. Got one huge grant that day AND today got through round one of another grant, so it's a mad dash to get that one done up again by Oct 22 . hell lots of time. I only have 3 due this Thursday and 1 due Friday (which is almost done) (the 3 I haven't started yet akkkk). Then 3 for November 1 ... sigh. I see where October is going. BUT we are doing ok. I think we might be able to keep most everyone employed for now. Big breath .. keeping the faith. Oh that and we overpaid our hydro bill for the last year (kinda/sorta on purpose) and now we have a credit of $600 so at least we will have heat for the next 4 months, even if we can't make the rent

OHH and I got accepted into the Public Policy Forum which is a pretty big deal. I will be going to Vancouver (expenses paid) for 3 days a month to work with a group of non profits and we will be working on how we can influence policy - my expertise will be on food policy of course. Means more damn work, but could be really exciting for out little organization to play with the big boys hmmm... yes, well, ... ummm .. staying focused here .. the big wigs in Vancouver. Could be fun.

#3 On the boy front ... never one to complain ... I hit dry spells that go on for centuries, then WHAM out of nowhere I now have 2 sorta 3.
Well to catch you up ...

         #1 is my main crush. BUT that is going to go nowhere, which totally sucks because of course that is the one I totally adore. But he hasn't been around in a few weeks and his boat renos are over and he's not one to just call and chat, nor is he one to make plans, so I can pretty much safely assume, that summer crush is over. Sad, but not going to waste any more of my time or energies on someone who doesn't feel the same way ... that is a heartbreak waiting to happen, and I'm too old to be going there. Sooooo that leaves ...

         #2 last April my mortgage holder passed away. His best friend told the family that he would come and tell me because he knew where my house was and thought it would be better to tell me in person. He was here at the marina (has a beautiful 47" boat) for a few days trying to track me down. It took awhile .. I am a bit elusive you know and anyway we chatted, he was quite lovely and that was that. Well he came back again (spends the summers boating around the island) and my cousins were here. He implied he wanted to take us boating, but we made plans with another friend of mine, so we didn't go with him. Then we ended up going out of town for a couple of days, so we didn't see him again. I felt a bit bad, so I called him later and we chatted. It was nice ... nothing too extraordinary, but nice.

Anyway, he has gotten into the habit of calling me most days and chatting. And last week he asked me out for this friday on a 'dinner date.' I wasn't too sure, but thought ok I guess so. He is 60 years old (I had to figure that out, he wouldn't tell me) and he is an Aguarius, which I get along well with - although he doesn't believe in that 'crap'. He lives on his boat all year. Although he spends the winters in Costa Rica. He's retired, his wife died 9 years ago and yah. I was telling my son about him and that I thought he was nice but not really inspired .. when he (my son) said this:

"Mom ... sigh ... he lives on his boat. You want to live on a boat.
He spends winters in Costa Rica. You want to live in Costa Rica.
He is single for god's sake!
He is a retired plumber. YOU need to have your bathroom fixed.
He has money. You have no money
Quit be such a complainer and looking for the negative and go out with him for GOD's sake!!"



Don't hold back Drew! ... so yah. I agreed to go out with him this Friday night. And that was all cool ... until ... my birthday! which now brings us to ....

         #3 Ok .. so this boy well man, he has been a work /sorta/ partnerish/ person for about 3 years. He's kinda cute we worked on Earth Day a few years ago ( he has since admitted that I drove him crazy ) and he's around town a lot as he is involved with a lot of the same things I'm involved with. He almost worked for me at one point I think, but anyway. He had a girlfriend and there was nothing there, so it was all good. But I noticed on FB a month or so he was 'single' and I've seen him around more lately. We chatted a few times at the local hang out, and he came to our event last weekend and we chatted. Sooo on my FB when he said happy birthday, i just said .. party Maple Bay .. come on down if you want! (or something).

Well lo and behold, he showed up. That was a total surprise. But we had a blast, he is a musician, so he brought his drums, I grabbed the pub's guitar, and we went to my house with Andre and Drew and proceeded to make a lot of noise until 4am. It was totally fun and yah .... we will just censor some parts here at this point.

Needless to say, he's been around. We were at an event on Sunday and he invited me to the Fringe Festival Sunday night, which was a total blast!!!! It's been totally FOREVER since a) I've done anything remotely social b) actually been to anything remotely cultural and c) laughed so hard, I almost fell off my chair! SUPER fun time! And the after play wasn't bad either !

He is ... hmmm.. younger , has two kids , does yoga , weighs like 1/2 of me , loves community , smokes like a chimney and I mean chimney , is broke , is a carpenter , seems quite smitten with me so yah.

BUT I HATE that I do this .. like/don't like/like don't like. SOOOO I'm going my best just to go with the flow and see what happens. I am neither over encouraging and/or making plans (he's invited me to wedding Oct 30 .. I said .... um no, I don't plan that far ahead but neither am I being discouraging. I'm just not sure exactly how I feel yet. ... not like #1 .. who I TOTALLY crush on, #3, is just ... nice and maybe there's more, dunno.

Soooo yah. Crazy eh? AND have to keep my dinner date on Friday because Drew said so ... so hopefully that won't be awkward and that I get a sign from the dating gods that either he is to be my new #1, or just a #2 friend ... we'll see.

Ok . back to the original list of 5

#4 ... have my writing group tomorrow night .. well not my writing group, the one that I went to a few weeks ago. They are meeting at my office tomorrow night, which gosh, means I can work late til they get there. THEN it's off to the farmer's meeting after that .. many of whom are in my calendar! Can you say blackmail? And can you say free vegetables for the rest of my life?? That is going to be fun!!

#5 .. I dont really have a number 5. #3 wore me out just writing about it, so I'll think I'll make this a wrap. I hope to get some more consistency in here, so that each entry isn't so damn long. Who has the patience to read through all this crap really?? Not me, that's for sure. So just skip through to the good parts (hint #3) and carry on.

So have a great rest of your week everyone and I'll catch up probably on the weekend and let you know how Friday night turns out!


bugz
 

I have been trying to blog all week. But I'm working so much this week, I'm totally whacked out by the time I fall exhausted into bed at night. Tuesday I worked until 1am, Wednesday until 2am, and last night 3AM ... that is totally insane. And here it is 1am again and I'm just about ready to cry I'm so tired. BUT I got two huge deadlines completed today .. I literally ran to the post office to get one in the mail as it had to be postmarked today and then at 445pm emailed the second one! These are both two big grants, so had to be done.

And tonight was our big fundraising dinner for work which was amazing. The whole staff worked unbelievably hard and I did nothing but show up at 5:20pm and then got to play hostess and waitress. It was fun although one dude said I was really just a busboy and another dude fired me because I told him to hurry up and finish so I could clear his plate! He said he wasn't going to leave me a tip either! I don't think waitressing (or serving as I was also corrected on tonight) is really my forte ... I think I'll stick to grant writing!

Soooo yah, tomorrow will be a fun day if I can manage to stay awake. Lots of secrets and whispering around the office, so our staff meeting tomorrow should be good .. birthday wishes are coming in fast and furious on FB and that's fun.

Then it's a board/staff lunch party as it's the last day of our major project (and most of our funding) so we are celebrating in the afternoon. So I think it's a 'throw the diet' out the window (but did manage to lose the 5lbs I gained with my crazy cousins!) and its gunna be a food/drink fest to be sure.

Then its a party at my local pub tomorrow night so if any of you are close by .. come on over! Maple Bay Marina .. just ask for me. I'm sure you won't be able to miss me . I'll be the one with the Corona in her hand!

Have a great friday everyone!!

 

I'm such a damn libra... everything is back and forth, back and forth. I was thinking today about how everything I bitch about, I also like some parts of. So I've come up with a new blog theme ... like/don't like. So here is my list of five like/don't likes for today.

1 - don't like that I worked all fucking weekend. We had two big events, well actually three big events just on Saturday alone. The one event, the Home Show went on for 3 days, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We had our 3rd annual Harvest Festival on Saturday and we did something new this year - an Edible Garden Tour as well. And today I wrote articles for 5 hours .. so all in all, it was nuts. But the 'like' part of all the work was that really, I didn't have to do much. I only showed up for a few hours on the Friday night at the Home Show to check on the staff. Saturday by the time I arrived at 7:15am, the trucks were all loaded up and being unloaded at the site, so I just wandered around setting up tents, tables etc. And then for most of the day I was just hanging out chatting to people, talking on the mic occasionally and generally just helping out here or there - no stress. Then I stopped in at the Home Show Saturday night for a couple of hours again, and then for the last few hours today to help pack down and bring treats. So even though it was a long work weekend, it was an amazing pleasure to work with such fabulous folks and not really be stressed out at all. Three years ago, I pretty much single handily organized and ran the Harvest Festival, and this year, I basically just had to show up ... quite a difference. Good, good folks I work with. I gave most of them the day off tomorrow, but I will have a busy day with a few deadlines this week - not a good time to take days off, besides I had two days off last week!

2 - don't like that I've gained 5 pounds in the last 4/5 days. I have worked so hard for 3 months to lose 26 pounds and in a few days I can gain back 5. It will take me at least 2 or 3 weeks to lose that again and it just really pisses me off. I like that I've lost so much but it's really hard to watch it just creep back on so quickly. I just really cannot drink or eat anything slightly fattening. I had a great time with my cousins, but I have no willpower when my routine gets out of whack. It seems like once I cheat, I go on a bender that never ends. I'm determined to get back on track tomorrow again ... so yah. And never mind that I've felt totally like crap the last week because I've been drinking and eating like a maniac. So it's good to be so in tune with my body that I can react so quickly ... right now I feel awful. I went to the pub and ate a huge dinner and had two double ceasars and man do I feel gross. That should be enough to get me back on track now ... bleckk.

3 - don't like that Devan is gone really. I was terribly sad and lonely last night and wondering how I'm going to cope without her. It's just so not the same and I'm finding that I'm really feeling overwhelming lonely. Even if she wasn't actually here in the house, it still felt different than it does now. I never felt alone and I think for the first time in my life I truly am feeling lonely. It's not a feeling I'm used to and I really don't like it. But I must say that I am liking not having to worry about her schedule, how to arrange the car, what to cook for dinner, what to buy for groceries, that my house doesn't get messy and that I can basically do whatever I want, whenever I want. I don't have to work out anything with anyone - when to shower, when to be anywhere .... or anything. It's pretty freeing actually .... so I am liking that.

4 - don't like not having a boyfriend. Last night as part of the loneliness I guess, I was just wondering how long I'm going to be single for. I have really not had a long term relationship in a couple of years and even that one didn't last very long. It's been four years since my last four year relationship and I'm tired of being single. I miss the companionship, the connection, the sharing of the good and bad things in a day, nevermind the sex ... man don't get me going on how much I miss the sex. But I do like not having to be constrained by someone else. And by not having Dev to worry about, not having someone else to worry about is kinda good too. I am working a lot (as usual) but even more than usual lately and to be honest, I really like that I don't have to justify or explain why I work so much. I really don't need anyone telling me not to work so hard, that would drive me out of my mind. I know I work too much, but that is my reality right now - so I guess really, I don't have time to have a bf, but sure would just love a boytoy to be at my beck and call and to rub my totally agonized feet and provide great sex .. is that too much to ask for??

5 - don't like the stress of our financial situation at work. It's really probably not that much worse now than the last 3 years, but it feels worse because we have so many more staff and more monthly obligations. It's tough never knowing where the money is going to come from, but on the other hand, as I was telling one of our staff today, I don't think that many companies are in a better situation. If you are a retail operation you are really relying strictly on your customers buying stuff. And that can be really tough as well. There are a lot of stores in our downtown that are hurting and that are shutting down. I do like that we don't have to rely just on customers. If I want to raise more money, I just have to work hard and write more grants. We do have the advantage of being a non profit in that I can go after all sorts of income streams and grants and government funding that regular corporations don't have access to ... so in that sense we have it better than most.

So all in all, all the things that I don't like, I also like .. so in the famous words of myself ... all I have to say is 'shut up bugzy' and go to sleep now.

Have a great week all!! Good night!


bugz
 

Totally knackered as the brits say ... had my gorgeous cousin who I have a massive crush on and his fabulously gorgeous wife, who I now also have a crush on .. here for the last few days. I took off from work, we went boating, big road trip up Island, had amazingly fabulous food, lots of liquor, great laughs, amazing amazing time!!

Totally, totally whacked, work tomorrow, I'll write more soon!!


bugz

ps .. dev borrowed a pal's phone, called, she's having an amazing time!! Loves it there, great house she's staying at, loves the food, loves her new friends .. life is good! phewf ... now I can stop stressing

 

So I have three grants due this Thursday and I was totally freaked out. I had one sort of started, another one a little bit started and one not started at all. I have been totally stressing about them and not sure how I was going to get them all done and still take time off when cuzzes arrive (now some time tomorrow)

Well I kicked ass and got ALL three done!!!! One has been submitted, one is totally ready to go just waiting for a couple of letters of support to send along, and the third one I just finished and have sent to a couple of staff for review for typos etc and it will go off tomorrow ... all three will be done and dusted BEFORE Thursday's deadline!

Wow .. I have even astounded myself this time! I am going to revel in this moment here for a bit before I start to panic about the really big $100,000 one that I seriously haven't even started that is due next week! Ok don't think about that !!!

So that was my day. Enough said.

So the only other looming thought in my mind is Devann. She left Saturday morning and I haven't heard a peep since. I'm annoyed still with Telus for totally fucking up and not telling us she wouldn't be able to use her phone but that aside, I am just hoping that all is ok and that she will connect as soon as she can.

When I was whining to her brother earlier today, he told me to relax and not to worry and keep my big girl pants on!

This is so much reminding me of the time when I was in Spain taking care of my sister and Dev got sick. My friend who was taking care of her had no clue about kids, so she panicked and took Dev to the hospital. Now Dev was a little peanut at the time - I guess around 10 years old. She had a few symptoms, bad tummy, fever, etc, but nothing to really worry about, but because I was not there with her, I really couldn't assess the situation and had to rely on friends to keep calm heads and just take care of her. They took her to emergency and the doctors were saying all sorts of nonsense like appendix, ulcers, etcetc. But as time went by and they didn't call me from the hospital to update me, I really was out of control of the situation and it was unnerving.

But I did do one thing. I really tuned into my intuition and 'checked' in with her. I actually had dreams about her and worked at staying connected. I really and truly felt that she was ok throughout the whole ordeal. And finally when they did contact me the next day, she was fine. But I really already knew that.

So right now and over the last few days, I've done the same thing. I keep 'checking' in and 'seeing' how I feel. And I feel ok. I feel she is fine and there is nothing to worry about.

I'm holding to that. I'm holding to the fact that my intuition has always been bang on before, so there is no reason to doubt it now.

Still ... a phone call of confirmation would be nice right about now. But in the meantime, I'm sending her lots of love and giving her the 'look' for not calling her mom.


bugz
 

Had a few blog entries in my head over the weekend, but it's now late Sunday night and I'm so tired I can barely see straight, so it's a quickie list o' five for now.

ONE - had a traumatic time on Saturday when I realized that cellphone service provider totally fucked up when they talked to me earlier in the week about Devann's cell phone. They told me for an extra $20 a month she could call internationally with no roaming charges and texts would be 15 cents each. No bargain really, but better than 45cents and whatever else long distance. BUT when I called on Saturday to set it up (I was deliberating between that and just putting her phone on hold for 3 months) they told me, ummmm no, she gets no service in Nicaragua with the type of phone she has. I would have had to have purchased a completely different phone for her.

Well I was livid to say the least. Dev had called me from the Toronto airport on her way and said she would call when she landed. So now I haven't heard from her since then and although I KNOW she's fine, she doesn't know that I know her phone isn't working, so she is probably upset that I am wondering why she hasn't called.

I called those assholes at Telus back again to complain and got the usual bullshit sorry. But I might just write a letter. This really could have been a major deal, and they are idiots ... grrrr.

TWO - worked WAY too much this weekend. I was out of sorts on Saturday so my 10 articles that usually can take about 4-5 hours to do depending, took me 7. I was just not able to focus and was getting more and more annoyed. I actually thought I might go to a party that was from 4-8pm but by the time I finished it was too late, it was raining and it was dark. I was seriously depressed and feeling quite sorry for myself! I worked for about 7 hours again today just on work stuff trying to get caught up and I'm just whacked out seriously. I'm really not sure how long I can keep this up .. with no end in sight.

THREE - I was thinking about how small my world is now. I have completely disowned most of my family, my brother and my stepmom anyway. And my cousin is coming from England tomorrow to visit and it felt very sad telling him that I won't get together with them while he's here but he's welcome to and give him their phone numbers. But it made me realize that I really don't have many close friends, I don't have any family left except my kids, and I got a bit worried that I have really made my world very very small. Not sure what else to say about that .. but it made me sad.

FOUR - Went for a kayak today. Wanted to go yesterday but didn't manage to. I went today between the downpours of rain and it was lovely as usual. I went all the way to the second point (takes about 1.5 hours there and back) I saw 6 seals playing today. That always makes me smile. I am not sure what I would do if I didn't have that time to just be out on the water.

FIVE - too tired for another one. I am going to put a movie on and probably not watch it. I hope I sleep tonight, it's been sketchy at best lately. Gosh this whole entry sounded like a downer and I guess my weekend was for the most part. I felt quite lonely to be honest. My kids invited me down to their house tonight, but I just couldn't see going there with all the work I had to do and clean my house before my cousins come tomorrow. That also made me sad ... work shouldn't be such a priority. But ... not sure how else to manage to get all of it done. I need the writing money, so can't quit that. And if I don't write these grants for work, then I'll be out of work and well ... the world just spins and spins.

Ok, signing off now. I'm depressing myself more than I really am. I have an unbelievably busy week ahead .. a really bad time to have visitors, but I will squeeze them in somehow and know that it will be a fun diversion. I love my cousin to bits and I get to meet his lovely new wife, so we will have loads of fun I'm sure.

Have a great week!
xx
bugz
 

That was part of the text message that Dev sent to me earlier tonight when I was in my Environment Commission meeting. She had called me about an hour earlier crying on the phone quite a little wreck. Seems she is really have a hard time with one of the boys .. funny enough a boy she had been emailing and FBing for a month or so before this and now it turns out he is quite the little shit. Picking on a few people. And she was frustrated because during an after-dinner team process, they had to complete an assignment and everyone was goofing around. She just wanted to get it done and her teammates were not cooperating and she was getting pissy. (gosh she sounds so much like me sometimes it's scary!

So she called crying and I tried to console her a bit. Then she sent me this text during my meeting "I feel so bad now about the time I didn't spend with you or took you for granted and all the fights.I Love you so much and hope you know I wouldn't be able to live without you in my life"

WELL .. I was in the middle of my presentation to the commission when I got the text and sheesh I could hardly concentrate after that. So as soon as there was a break, I went out of the meeting and called her. It's so hard just knowing that if we were face to face we would just be able to hash it out and she'd get all sorted. But over the phone is so much trickier. I just tried to pump her up and tell her that things will get much better once she is set up with her partner in Nicaragua and when she gets into a routine there. This week is hard because they are just trying to get the team to gel, everyone is off balance - missing their families, or not missing their families and just wanting to wooop it up - lots of interesting dynamics ... I don't think I would want to be a team leader ... tough job!

But we chatted and giggled. We are talking about maybe doing a international volunteer gig together when she gets back - that would be fun. And just a few minutes ago, she texted saying that some of her team mates had come to get her from room and took her back out to the campfire and she feels better now. She just gets out of sorts easily ... and I know once she makes some good pals, she will be just fine. I love the way she can reflect and self analyze. She knows some of the things she does to perpetuate problems and she can take a good look at herself and readjust .. what a skill at such a young age - I can barely do that now!

So, that's all about that!

I had a super great day today .. I heard back from a funder and received another 5 month internship for one of our staff! This is amazing news for him, because he was out of work on Oct 1, and not eligible for unemployment benefits and was basically screwed! So now he has a full time paying job for 5 months that will help us out alot, he gets income , and if nothing comes up within those 5 months at least he will be eligible for unemployment benefits again!

AND called another funder (the one I just found out about yesterday) had a great chat, he loves our project ideas and I just have to whip off a 2 page letter of intent, but it looks promising that we will get the use of 5 MBA students for 7 months to work on a research project for us totally free. This will be a great boost for us to get some research that we really need and will help the students get practical hands on experience on the ground .. a super win win. I'm excited about that.

Then I hired Dev's little friend today to come work for us for the other 3 month internship. She is going to start tomorrow - she is super keen and I love young enthusiasm. She has been looking for work for months and hasn't found anything. She went back to highschool just because she couldnt find a job - now she can continue to finish highschool and she can work for us .. another win-win!!

I even managed to hit all my 3 commitments tonight with my stealthness and the 4th I found out was canceled so I didn't even technically miss that one then! It was pouring rain here tonight which was shitty as one event was outside! Lucky my job of selling tickets came with a 'under a tent location' I stayed relatively dry. The 2nd event ... serving up a salad bar at a local middle school was inside so that was great! And then the 3rd one I managed to show up 40 mins late and walk in right in time for my presentation ... phewf ... it all came together smashingly!

It wasn't all good news though. One gal I was coaching for a job position at another organization got a call today and she didn't get the position. Although we don't want her to leave, I can't find jobs and money to keep everyone, and this was a job that ties into one of the project areas that we are working on and she would have still been able to work 'with' us, but no go. I was pretty surprised on one hand, as I know all the people on the hiring committee and sent them a reference before the interview with my recommendation. BUT, one person on the committee I know doesn't like me too much (go figure) and I'm sure it wasn't that but .... well I don't know.

Well it just means that something better is coming for her. I am working on a grant due next week that I had her slotted for, so maybe she didn't get that last job because she's meant to stay here and work on this project instead .. hope so... I have so many fingers crossed for all these grants I've written and are writing, I'm surprised I can type!

Well anyway .. I so can't believe it's after 11pm now when I still need to get a few more things done before sleep. I totally haven't been able to sleep all week, so figure I might as well work for a bit and hopefully at some point I will just crash and maybe have a few hours where I don't walk up.

Friday is my favourite day of the week at work ... well for obvious reasons, but also because Friday morning is staff meeting time and we all get together for a few hours, we take turns making breakfast (I"m on tomorrow .. I'm going to make fruit smoothies and scrambled eggs and bagels .. for 12 people .. quite a feat!!) and we take turns facilitating the meeting, doing an icebreaker or fun kind of team building exercise, and someone takes notes. These are by far the best meetings I've ever managed to set up and they are great. We all give updates on our week, what went well, what sucked, and what is up for next week.

Then we spend the next few hours in our subcommittees working on different strategies on how to make money to keep us going. I've never had the privilege of working with such a dedicated and enthusiastic group of people ever. They all get paid shit money, and it is so not in their job descriptions to raise money, but as their contracts are coming to an end (most of them Oct 1) they are all committed to finding out ways to raise more money so they can all stay working together here ... it's totally inspiring to me!!

So fun funding friday coming up .. and then it's the weekend!!!! I so need a day off. If it's nice, I'm thinking of doing a kayak day trip, pack a lunch, and maybe head north this time! Fun fun.

For now ... back to work for a bit. And then hopefully happy dreams!

Happy Friday to you all!!! Hope you have some fun and a few smiles and a GREAT weekend in case I don't get back in here for a few days!

bugz
 

Trying to get a blog in before 9pm my time to make the WDC day is tricky. I just I should just blog after 9pm everyday then it would be tomorrow, or something. Oh well. Sorry I'm late Fleck!!

Today was a pretty damn good day. Got all my writing done last night by 11:30pm (phewf) well that was last week's. But that felt good. Today I worked on next week's deadline for work .. man this one grant is tough. I am so not good at detailing outcomes, indicators and measurements of success, and so I got pretty stuck. I will try it again tomorrow but seriously have to get it done as I have 3 more due next week .. and just found out about another one due by the end of the month! akkkk ... I need it to STOP!!!

Had awesome news today though .. was just chatting up another funder, cause it's what I do, and he offered me another free 3 month internship! I am probably going to hire one of Dev's little friends to work. It's a tricky intern as the person cannot have graduated from highschool, and luckily Dev knows a couple of those kids, so I think this is going to work out great!

Talked to Dev today. She texted me too. She said she missed me a lot today - she was tired and probably a bit whiney. But still sounds like things are going well. She is going to be helping at a farm in Nicaragua most likely and get this ... in Red Deer Alberta for the second part, she is going to be working at Habitat for Humanity and helping to organize a Sustainability Event. She told me I had to come and attend the event. I'm all over that!! So I will see if I can swing it. It's probably a 16 hour drive ... but I am going to try to visit her. I have some friends who live close by, so that would be fun.

And Rose, you'll be happy to know that I went to the Writer's Group meeting tonight. I knew I would go, and it's not like I was nervous or anything, it's just not something that I thought I would go to. A few years ago, I would have been all over it. But I went .. it was fine. The people who were there were very nice. A couple of them are on here .. so I better watch my potty mouth in case they find my blog.

There was a guest speaker which I guess is unusual. He was interesting ... has a novel published. And is a teacher at our local university. He had some good stories to tell. I was sort of not deciding whether I would continue going or not, when I found myself offering my office meeting space for the next meeting as the space they normally use was not available .. so I guess I'm going to the next one anyway!

Not sure what I will get out of it, but that's ok. Maybe it will at least get me not going to so many work night meetings and maybe I will write some things more for fun than just work. Or maybe I will dust off my sister's book and send it out again. I stopped at 14 rejection letters as that seemed like a good number. But maybe #15 is the lucky number. I don't know. I am not so intent on 'being' published in that regard as I used to be, but still I do think it's a good story that should be told .. so we will see.

Well I'm not going to work anymore tonight, I'm just whacked. Gunna turn on a movie and relax. Long day tomorrow .. I have to be in 4 places at once tomorrow night .. and I am actually managing to hit 3 of the 4 with some stealth maneuvering on my part ... but it's going to be hectic. So gunna chill out for a bit now.

Have a great night/day tomorrow everyone.


bugz


 

Gosh I feel like a big fat (ok, not fat ... getting skinnier .. down another 2 lbs this week ) whiner. I didn't get my articles done last night - no surprise. I did all the research, so right after this bloggy I will get to it. My 'boss' was fine with being late, in fact he just gave me a whole new assignment ... two articles A DAY on finance crap in England .. oh boy. Those are going to hurt my head for sure! akkk.... I don't get finance crap from Canada, never mind there! Oh boy ....

Anyway, no sleep again last night. Not sure if it's just missing Dev, or the stress about work (my accountant announced to me yesterday that I need to come up with $5000.00 cash by the end of the month to cover payroll .. wtf!!!), or the wanton desires of just being a woman in her prime that is interfering with my sleep ... it matters not... I just really need to get some sleep tonight. I will do some yoga later, and take a couple of Cal/Mags and that should do it.

So today I went into the office late again, but was kicking it getting all sorts of crap done. Two deadlines for tomorrow, I submitted today. One day early!! Man that feels good. Fingers crossed on those two. One is a chance to sit on a Public Policy Forum which will be great for us as an organization and it means heading to Vancouver once a month for a couple of days .. and maybe that's what I need - to get out of Dodge for awhile. Lots of cute boys there across the ocean!

The second one was a self nomination for an Alternative Land Usage Award - no $, but will look good overall, as we are also applying for funding from that organization.

Oh and the best work news .. we are now being asked to submit a full application for the large federal grant ($100,000.00) that I had written the letter of intent for last week. This is great! Means we are one step closer to that project!!!

Anyway, blahblahblah... who cares.

The best news was that Dev called me twice today on her breaks. The first time I was in a meeting and missed her call ..man that made me soooo sad! But she sounded great and loving everything and everyone ... like I knew she would, so that was good. Then a couple of hours later she called again after their dinner break. She has total crushes on 3 boys (like mother like daughter! ) and is getting along fine with everyone. They go through some very cool processes as they get the group to 'bond' before they head off to the big world - and those are always great for grounded everyone ... Dev is a superstar at those kinds of things ... lots of practice since I have been taking her to seminars since before she could walk!

So that made my day. Everyone at work yelled hi to her, and I heard one of my staff say, "Thank God she called, now Judy will stop being so grumpy!' Funny group they are .... they totally respect me can't you tell???? Pish.

A quick kayak after work, dinner compliments of another staff member who was worried about me eating alone and not eating anything nutritious .. .. she made me homemade grain/veggie burgers! YUMM, and now blaring Sting CDs.

Now to kick it in to high gear and get writing. Tomorrow is a busy day again .. three more major deadlines due next week that I am going to try to get done early. And then I'm going to go 'visit' this local writing group. Might read my Angel story (see blog entry of a few days ago .. don't remember how to link) And meet a new WDC friend in person!!

Have a great night and tomorrow everyone.

bugz
 

I thought I would actually be ok, but I'm so not. I had such a crappy day yesterday. I had my weekly writing assignment that if I have a totally procrastinating and/or had a busy week, I have to get them completed on Sunday .. didn't do it. I sat here farting around all day after I got home from taking Devann to the airport. It was pissing rain, and I kept thinking I would still go kayaking, but didn't. I did the research on 1.5 artilces in about 9 hours. Usually I can research and write all 10 in about 4 hours .... so yah, complete waste.

I had a complete meltdown and cried. I wandered around the house, not sure what to do. I did do laundry though .. wow I have a lot of towels! I knew she had a secret stash up there in her room!

Then I just packed it in and went to bed, quite annoyed at myself for missing a deadline. But then I couldn't sleep. Kept checking my phone in case she texted in the night. And when it was time to get to work, I just couldn't even get out of bed. I finally crawled into the shower convincing myself to only go in for part of the day. I wasn't even going to do my hair or makeup when I remembered I had a huge presentation to do today ... man like I had any interest in that whatsoever!!!

At work I started to cry twice. A girl a work gave me a hug and that set me off. I had to go for a walk around the block. I was definitely not on my A game during the presentation either ... but at least I did have good hair. Must have said a few things right, because we are going to get the $7,500.00 we asked for !

But I was just out of sorts and everyone commented on it. Usually when I'm at work, it's work all the way and I don't bring my personal crap in the office, but today was just a damn exception.

She texted me a few times today, nervous as she had to get back to the airport and wait around for everyone else to get there before they headed off to their retreat centre for the rest of the week. And she texted me at 945pm her time to say she was going to bed and she'd tell me more tomorrow and that was it.

I have not done my writing assignments now (from last week) and can't decide whether to write my boss and just fess up, or try to crank them out tonight. My son even offered to do the research for me, and I did send him all the info at 10am this morning, but when I just checked he said he didn't get the email .. so I'm screwed.

I am so exhausted, all I really want to do is go to sleep. But it's a very busy week at work for me this week, so if I don't get these damn articles done tonight, not sure when else I will be able to get to them.

I'm pissy.

It's going to be a long 6 months
bugz

 

I'm back from taking Devann to the airport. We went down to Victoria yesterday late afternoon, so we could sleep at her brother's house as they live way closer to the airport. Nothing like hurrying to an airport in the morning and get stuck in traffic.

She also wanted to hang out with him (and his wifey) and so we did. Her best little friend came along too, and it was fun. We went out for dinner (greek, one of her favs) and we had a blast ... as usual. My son is a real ham times 10, hard to explain those people who just are hilarious. He cracks me up and I spend most of my time with him snorting and crying. He wants to video me snorting and put in on a dating site (lucky I'm completely done with dating sites ... and this IS true, really - no one believes me but it is true .. really!)

Anyway, it was a fun night and all nerves were going strong. She woke up several times in the night and came in the spare room at one point complaining of feeling sick and couldn't sleep ... her poor little self. I woke up several times too, but only because the air was leaking out of the damn camping air mattress I thought I was so damn smart to bring! that obviously leaks!

It was an up early Sunday morning and a quickish drive to the Airport. She wanted to get there early and so we were there ..3 hours before her flight. That left lots of time for Tim Horton's poisonous breakfast (not me ... being on a strict diet does have it's advantages!!) Then there's the obligatory airport tourist trap shopping adventure for gum, chocoate bars, and trashy magazines. ATM withdrawals and the sit and wait.

I did sneak a little stuffy that looked a bit like her cat Cheezie into the side pocket of her backpack. I wonder how long it will take til she finds it. I also wrote her a whole bunch of love letters and tucked them in her suitcase - in her jean's pockets, in her running shoes, in her makeup bag, in her hoodie pockets. I even wrote one in Spanish to her Nicaraguan partner .. at least I hope it was Spanish - I'm a little rusty!

She will be happy to get them. She wanted letters from all her pals to read on the plane, but no one bothered. I wrote her one and slipped it into her purse, then texted her right when she got on the plane to tell her. I'm thinking she's read it by now.

I also gave her a little pearl and diamond 'promise' ring. I had purchased two little matching mood rings for us both, but her's turns her fingers green and pimply, so I had to resort to real gold! sheesh.

So I gave it to her this morning and explained it is a promise ring that she has to promise to be a good girl and come back in one piece! In the airport when she would do something silly ... I would mention the ring and that she'd promised! This will be good for blackmail for some time I'm thinking!!

So now I'm doing all the damn laundry she was supposed to do before she left! I am just going to text her and ask what the hell she packed cause all her damn clothes are still here! But the sound of the washer and dryer is making me feel less lonely and sad.

It hasn't hit me really yet. I am looking forward to a few things such as:

having dishes ... her room got to be quite the dirty dish rack
not tripping over her shoes when I come in the house - but I will have to remove the ten zillion pairs still here - what is in her suitcase??
not having to put things back in their place - I'm not super anal, but like the pillows to be just so on the couch and all that
not having to pass up her water, food, her ipod, phone or whatever she left downstairs that she's too lazy to come to get
stereo wars - she always wins
making food and having her go .. yuck and not eating it
making her food at all!
going for a glass of water and noticing that the brita is almost empty!
yelling wake up, it's time to go about ten zillion times if we have to be anywhere before 2pm
worrying about her out with her friends, driving out late at night, going to parties, drinking ... etc

But I am not looking forward to missing:

listening to her cute little giggles when she's upstairs in her loft reading or watching a video
having her come home safely at night when she's been out
having her crawl into bed with me to talk about her life and the latest drama
her notes she would leave on the counter
text messages, sometimes late at night when she'd be drinking, but she'd always tell me how much she loved me
blaring the music in the car and singing at the top of our lungs - even if she told me no
her help doing research for my articles - she was getting good too .. damn it!
having her call her cat Cheezie up to bed at nightime .. and him going (he's going to miss her)
her bringing me flowers - she used to do that spontaneously ... not only when she was in trouble
making her dinner - eating together
yelling at her to wake up
worrying about her out with her friends

It's going to be really hard I think. Everyone says, I will love this time alone, but I don't want to negate other parent's relationships, but Devann and I have something very special. Maybe it is because she was completely my own love child, that she hasn't had a father, because we have been through a lot of trauma and emotional upheaval together, because we've grown up together in a sense, or maybe it is typical of a lot of single parent relationships - but we've weathered many storms, and she really is an amazing young woman.

I am finding myself at one of those points where I know it is selfish to even miss her because she needs this journey. She will learn and grow so much, I am very very excited for her. Her world is expanding and it will be quite a pleasure watching her spread her wings and really fly. For on some levels she is wiser than her years, but on another level, she is still such a young girl.

I will miss her. But I'm glad she's gone .... for her sake.

May the light and love of all that is good love and protect her. And she did 'promise' to come home!

Six months and counting.


bugz


 

It's a bit different this time .. it's not like before, where I have always felt there is a place I need to get 'back to': it's evolved from that. It's about getting to a place with some of the same ingredients that were there before, but it's different this time.

I realized that I still have not been able to convey how my sister's death changed me and how I felt when she died .. I mean actually died and the few days following.

I read my 'angel' story to my 'crush' last night (probably not a good idea, but somehow I was compelled to) His immediate response, was how sorry he was for my loss.

I realized after negating his reaction for a few minutes, that I was not getting my point across. I tried to change a few words in my 'angel' story, but still my meaning is not clear.

My sister dying was the biggest blessing I have ever received and will ever receive for the rest of my life - that is clear to me. I did not cry when she died, and so many people feel that is wrong - that I have held back my grief .. that is not so. I am crying right now as I write this, but it is not because she died and that I am sad, it is because I realize that I have lost parts of my self over these last 8 years and once again, I have drifted from who I am.

I met someone shortly after my sister died, his name was Michael (I have written about him here before) and we ended up living together for 4 years. For a myriad of reasons, the relationship was a disaster, but I think I know now after all this time, what my part was in the playing out of the doomed relationship.

I felt, after my sister died, a few things that will be difficult to convey.

First of all, I really honestly and truly felt I would die. Not in any kind of suicide attempt or anything sad or morbid like that at all. I did NOT have a death wish, I just knew that my time on this planet was over. Just like hers had been. I feel, that helping her die with dignity, surrounded with love and compassion and respect, with endless amounts of unconditional love and gentleness ( that I did not even know I had in me .. especially toward a sister that I didn't even really know ) was the greatest contribution to humanity that I will ever be able to do, or asked to do.

I guess I was wrong ... I'm still here after all!

But that sort of thinking , that stayed with me for years, I think gave me a bit of weird attitude. Not like I didn't care about anything, or that I was taking undue risks, but there definitely was something about my attitude that said that nothing really mattered .. hard to explain.

Second of all, I really was not very grounded I don't think. Along with that weird, nothing matters, attitude, I was also a bit ethereal. I know that I had some sort of energy around me, aura, or whatever you want to call it, I think it was appealing, I know that people were drawn to it (me) and I suppose I can understand that.

So Michael was attracted to me .. I thought him arrogant and boorish in the beginning to be honest ... and for the entire rest of our relationship, he kept saying ..."I want the girl back that I first met."

That was not an image or 'person' that I could live up to or recreate. I think had I stayed that ethereal, I probably would have died.. hit by a car crossing a street or something similar that would have happened when I wasn't paying attention.

So for the rest of our time together, I kept trying to find that 'girl' he first met, but I was unsuccessful.

Herein I believe, lies the answer. I cannot go back and recreate that 'girl' who had that amazing, life-changing experience, and who was somehow actually living 'outside' of her body. I cannot go back .. I can only go forward. And as I go forward, I will reconnect and bring along parts of the pieces of that 'girl' .. the parts of the girl who found God that day her sister died, the parts of the girl who knows the meaning of life and what is truly important and what is just bullshit.

Those are the parts of the girl that I want to reconnect with.

Talking about my time with her, honouring her memory and my silent promises that I whispered to her that last night, doing my yoga practice again, meditating, living a life of less stress and self imposed deadlines and craziness, .... this will help me.

As will you all here.

As I stop stumbling along in my life and start moving with more grace.




 

My sister's picture in a frame has sat on a bookshelf at the end of my bed for four years.

This morning, I awoke with it tipped to its side, the picture half falling out.

I picked it up, to straighten the picture and put it back in the frame.

The two metal pieces holding the picture in place broke off in my hand.

She misses me too


 

There are six of us. Well six of us in physical form anyway. Sitting in a circle; words are few. It's an unusually cloudy and cool day as if even the sun needed to take a break. The smell of the bonfire that drifts around us, feels comforting, like home. Familiar. Warm.

We are reflective, each lost in our own thoughts that at this moment are too private to share. Death had brought us together in a sister-like bond that will forever be a part of our lives no matter where we all go from here in our journeys.

This was her sacred place. Where she had come to heal her soul, if not her cancer. Many weekends were spent here in retreat, in silence, in contemplation.

Did she sit right here in this same soft, lounge chair on the patio? Were these friends of hers all together here with her, giving her support, consoling her pain, healing her anger? These are questions I want to know, but I don't ask. I don't feel sadness. I don't feel anger. I feel light. I feel relieved. I feel a deep down inner peace that feels foreign yet familiar. It's like I don't even have to breathe. I don't even have to live. I feel my work here on this planet is done.

The angels had come to take her away from her pain, from her sadness, from her exhaustion from her life.

That was not even a surprise. That last afternoon, she was annoyed; yelling to people only she saw on the balcony.

"Tell them to stop talking so loud. And for God's sake turn off that damn music."

It had really been the only time that I'd ever seen her get really angry. Lotta and I had looked at each other, holding hands, and reassuring her that we would quiet them. Our eyes knew, our hearts knew, even if we really knew nothing at all. We looked at the affirmation wall - that morning I had written "Let Go and Let God."

And so we had.

Looking around at my new found sisters, I find myself wordless to describe how happy I feel. Surely when someone dies, you are supposed to be sad.

I am not.

I breathe in the whispering remains of the smoke like smudge that is cleansing my soul. Fifty two affirmations that I had lovingly scribed on blue dolphin paper - one for each day we spent in that hospital - had been burned. One by one I read them aloud. One by one, they smoldered, sending their messages up to the heavens, letting go of each day where we faced challenges, where we laughed, where we cried, where we changed people's lives, where we ate cake in the middle of night, where we became sisters again .

Lotta's smile envelopes me and her knowing tells me more. "Your sister took the cancer for 100 other women, including you, you know. That is why it was so intense, so all consuming and so fast. She was very brave. And now, two of her guardian angels are yours. They will protect you. Your work is not done Bugzy."

I feel grateful. I feel safe. I feel loved.I feel my work is done.

But I'll see.



For a writing group meeting that I may attend here next week ... 500 words using angel in the story. I send this out to my sister who inspires me every day.


 

So we had our weekly Ted Talk Tuesday (ok it was yesterday .. I'm late ok!) at work. It was an idea I came up with a month or so ago, to encourage people to come to our office and hang out with us, and watch a 20 min video together (if you don't know Ted Talks ... google it .. it will become your next addiction! ).. I have watched zillions of them, but the trouble I found is that I would get wound up about the topic then have no one to talk about it with after ... so the idea is for folks to come on their lunch, watch a video, and then have a discussion. It has been a lot of fun, inspiring, and a great thing to do for community building.

Anyway, this 'old' guy came yesterday .He is like ... ummm.... a benefactor of ours of sorts - he buys us a subscription to environment magazines, makes donations to our lending library etc and his latest was to buy us a membership in a very cool community organization ... CCEDNET and it was through an email that I received, being a member, where I found out about a 5 month internship that would work for one of our staff who will be out of a job on October 1 and it's perfect! So I immediately applied and chances are very good that we will get it!

So anyway, I sent him an email thanking him for the membership and he immediately asked me to 'lunch.' He has asked me several times, but I've always been busy (really) ... so this time he wasn't going to take no for an answer, he showed up to the Ted Talk, at which I ate my lunch and when it was over, he pronounced he was taking me to lunch ... so I went (and ate again! )

I mean he means well, and is very generous, he just makes me uncomfortable because he thinks I'm the cat's ass (which I am haha) but he likes to go on a bit too long about all that I've done and it just makes me skirmy.

So this lunch was no exception, but we had a nice chat about politics and a whole range of other topics to save the planet. He is very smart and obviously has a lot of time on his hands to contemplate all these ideas. But at one point, he got very serious and started to inquire about my future. There is an Executive Director position that's come up at another nonprofit organization that is a bit bigger than ours, and he wanted to know if I was going to apply. He was quite concerned about my future and that I was being under utilized at our small organization and I should be looking to 'move up.'

It was quite an interesting few moments after that. It was a challenge to explain to him ... no I already was all the way 'moved up' in corporate banking for longer than I care to admit, with million dollar budgets and 100 staff and ummmmm no, my days of being a ladder climber were way behind me!!

My next move, I told him was to live on a sailboat in Costa Rica and write .... period.. that's it. That's my big life aspiration!

It was kinda funny, his reaction. I think he got it, and then he was all over telling me if that's my dream, I should do it. It was cute. He was trying to be all supportive. And I didn't want to be all snotty, saying, listen ole guy ... you're preaching to the converted. I'm the master of making my dreams come true ... problem is that I don't stick to my dreams. I make new ones up all the time!

Anyway.. it was one of those 'had to be there moments' I guess ... but made me think about that 'dream' that I just sort of blurted out. And funny enough ... oh yah this is the point to my story ... the TED Talk was very cool ... this dude talked about the 'happiness factor' and according to his information, the happiest, most ecologically sound, and environmentally aware, AND has one of the best education system in the world, AND has NO military is ...... Costa Rica!

That's sooo cool. And tonight when I told Dev about my longer term plan, she was allll over it! Which is hilarious, cause I told her about 2 years ago about that, and she said there was no way she was going there (I wanted her to go to the amazing University there) .. and now it's all she can talk about! And she's trying to convince all her friends to come along!

Anyway .. that's that. Had a great day. Received $2,000 from a sponsor that I've been smooshing ... and we have made it through the second vetting of a grant, and are now being asked to apply to the third level which will be for $30,000 which is huge for us! And it's an amazing project ... so all in all... things are good.

So here's to making all our dreams ... how ever-changing ... come true! Yeah us!!


bugz