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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, keikei-love critical reviews! !

I am more than happy to stop by with a review for "Sins of a Woman Introduction" . I hope you find my comments useful. *Smile*


My Initial Reaction

First off, excellent introductory sentence. I was immediately interested in reading on. In my experience, it's that very beginning of the first chapter that the reader sees that decides whether or not the reader wants to keep reading. If I had picked this up in a book store and read that, I would have kept reading for sure.

I have to tell you, I love the idea behind this story. Taking the reader from the mind of a child suffering abuse to the mind of a woman who has had enough was a very good way to emotionally connect the reader to the character. At the end, when her identity is revealed, it makes it even more intriguing because it's an original concept to write the story of this unknown woman's walk with God. I look forward to reading it.


Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone you used in this was serious and emotional. I think it did a great job of helping to set up the intense mood as the reader learns about how deep the scarring of this woman goes. *Thumbsup*

As far as I could tell, the tense and point of view were both consistent, and I think they were also both effective. I'm not sure if the book will follow in first person, but I'm thinking it would work out well. First person is often hard to keep consistent, but you made it look easy.


Plot/Theme

Like I said in my reaction above, I really like the idea for this story. I think it's very original, and I can't wait to see how you go about it. From the reference to a tunic, rather than a shirt, and the Bible, I'm hoping that this will be set in times past. We'll see as I get going on the next chapter, I guess. *Wink*


Characterization

The characterization of this woman was set up well in this prologue. You tell the reader, through her thoughts, about her abusive and melancholy past, and then lead up to her shift in attitude as she gives up on God and His plans for her. It's a realistic change, considering all the hardships she's been through, and it makes for an intense base in which to build her character in detail later on. Nice work.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*A still small voice travelled on the wind and the earth stirred in response to the gentleness of its commanding authority, when the word of the Lord came to me concerning my future.
I stumbled just slightly on this sentence. Consider a comma after 'still' to show that 'still' and 'small' are two separate adjectives being used to describe 'voice.' Also, consider a comma before 'and' because both, 'A still, small voice travelled on the wind' and 'the earth stirred in response to the gentleness of its commanding authority' are independent clauses, so the 'and' is working as a coordinating conjunction to combine them. One last thing. I'm not sure that you need the comma before 'when.' As far as I know, it could be left out to grant a smoother flow.

*Bullet*I know the plans I have for you. I heard Him say to me.
Since 'I heard Him say to me' is acting as a thought tag, it should be a part of the sentence with the thought. For example: I know the plans I have for you, I heard Him say to me.

*Bullet*You shall seek and find me, when you shall search for me with all your heart.
Consider eliminating the second 'shall' for a smoother flow.

*Bullet*Plans of peace and not to harm me you say?
Consider a comma before 'you say' because it is an added question to the main sentence.

*Bullet* As the years droned on, there’s only so much evil one could withstand and I no longer wanted to know the Almighty One's plans.
Consider, 'As the years droned on, there was only so much evil I could withstand, and I no longer wanted to know the Almighty One's plans. For me, it flows easier. See what you think.


In Conclusion

A well-written, compelling, intense, and intriguing prologue. Keep up the great work! *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
52
52
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, CeruleanSon !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower! *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

Oh, my. I loved this poem! Your use of colloquial speech was great. I could hear it well as I read it out loud, and I had to laugh at the end. That last line couldn't have been done any better. *Laugh*


Tone & Mood

The tone in this was light and conversational, and it worked well to help set the humorous mood created throughout by the content. I think it was suitable and effective. *Smile*


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

The rhyme scheme in this was ABAB. All of the words chosen for the rhymes felt natural and unforced. The syllable count was almost perfect throughout at 8-6-8-6. I found one spot where the count was seven, and I think I may have found an alternative for you.

*Bullet*But thinkin' of a wink or two
With a sigh, I close me eyes.
The second line here has 7 syllables. Since this is first person, you could say, 'I sigh and close me eyes' and it would keep the syllable count uniform throughout. See what you think.

The flow was very good throughout, and I especially enjoyed this piece when I read it out loud. In fact, my sister and my husband enjoyed it too! *Wink*

One of the things I liked best about this poem was how you used figurative language and personal comments from the Irishman to enhance the humor. The following excerpt was my favorite:

'Round and around me tree they fly
Words o' pow'r, loud and clear.
I watch the Banshee Queen draw nigh,
Me fingers in me ears.

Once I got to the end and figured out who the 'Banshee Queen' was, I couldn't stop giggling. Very nice!


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A very effective, entertaining, and humorous poem. I enjoyed it very much. Thank you so much for posting it and allowing me to read and comment on it. *Smile* Keep up the great work!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
53
53
Review of Throw aways  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Homeless but not hopeless !

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I chose this item because a friend recommended it to me. *Smile*


My Thoughts

While short, this essay is very intense and compelling. The tone was casual, and it made me feel like I was inside your head, or even hearing you talk over a cup of coffee. It worked really well to pull me in on an emotional level quite quickly.

I have to say, I think the way you expressed your thoughts about being a disposable person came across really well. I could sense the uncertainty and fear laced through, and the use of questions enhanced that mood nicely. It gave the impression of confusion, but not hopelessness. The mood I felt at the end was uplifting and determined. It made me feel powerful, like no matter what happens in a person's life, it's up to them to view it in a light that will help them have the inner strength to use it to their advantage.

I commend you for writing about this topic. Not many people do for some reason, but it's a very real part of life for many people. I've never been homeless, but I have lived through some very difficult times where food was scarce and money was rare. Regardless, I believe that even those who have never done without will be touched by this piece in a way that sticks with them long after they finish reading.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* While this piece is short, consider using a bit of white space so that it doesn't show up as a 'block' of writing. Many people find it hard to follow the lines on a computer screen when they are all lumped together. Just add an extra line in between each paragraph to grant a smoother read.

*Bullet*One main thing I noticed was that you didn't use apostrophes in contractions such as 'can't, won't, didn't' and so on. Consider adding those in. This piece is so full of emotional impact that I think cleaning up the inconsistencies would allow that impact to be the main focus, as it should be.

*Bullet* There were a few spelling errors that would be easy enough to find if you use the spell checker provided by WDC. After you save your item in your portfolio, go to it and click on the word Spell on the top right of the screen, just under where the rating of the piece is displayed. It will show you any errors. *Smile*


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

An intense, emotional, and compelling essay about how homeless people feel. The continual question, "Am I just a throwaway?" was very effective in making the reader think about the topic, and it will resound with them long after reading. If you decide to edit this, please let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and re-rate it appropriately. Keep up the great work. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
54
54
Review of A Soldiers Story  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Fletch !

I found you highlighted at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central"  and thought I would stop in for a read. *Smile*


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I chose this item from your port because I really enjoy emotional pieces, and the description of this, as well as the title, pointed toward something more than the average story.


My Thoughts

I love the basis for this piece. A soldier remembers his time on the battlefield, his lost friends, and how lucky he is that he received a second chance to live life, unlike many of his brothers-in-arms. This has the potential to be a really emotional, tear jerker, and I would love to give you a few suggestions to mull over and see if you think they would help you spice the story up a bit.

For me, this came across as a telling of what happened. I could see what emotions you were trying to invoke in the reader, and don't get me wrong, all of the needed story elements are there in order to do so. I don't know if you've come across the "Show, Don't Tell" issue yet, but in my years of writing, I've discovered that showing through actions, dialogue, and reactions can take a piece of writing to the next level by allowing the reader to see, hear, feel, and taste the scene, rather than just hear about it. It's like the difference between reading a summary of a book, and reading the book itself.

When I say, show, don't tell, what I'm saying is to slow down the scene a little bit and give the reader a glimpse of what is going on. Try this out for an example:

He felt the bullet enter and felt the ground suddenly come up to meet his backside.

In this section you use the word 'felt.' It is one of the words that 'tell' instead of show because it glosses over what the character feels. Instead, consider describing to the reader what that felt like. Here is a rewrite to give you an idea of what I mean, but it in no way is what I think you should write. It's just an example.

A sharp, searing pain flashed through his abdomen and in a second of confusion, the ground rose up to meet him. He stumbled and landed hard on his backside, pain blooming and spreading throughout him.

Like I said, it's probably nothing like what you would write, and I'm sure you can do better, but it gives the reader an idea of what the pain felt like to him, as well as the fact that he became confused and fell to the ground.

One of my favorite learning tools for discovering how to 'show' is Show, Don't Tell   It helped me to understand the difference between the two, as well as branched me out to some other sites that help writers find a balance between active and passive voice that works for them.

The only other suggestion I have is to watch for repetitious words. The word 'suddenly,' while very useful, can be overused without even realizing it. If you use a word too often, readers can become agitated by being constantly told something. Just something for you to keep in mind.


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

I think this story has a lot of potential, and from the fluid sentence structure and your command of weaving words, I know that you will be able to bring it to life for your readers. Like I said above, all of the necessary elements are there to make this an emotive read, and I think that with a little bit more showing of these elements, you will find a balance that allows your reader to feel what the soldier feels. If you decide to edit, please let me know. I'd love to see this piece evolve, and I'd be more than happy to reread and re-rate it accordingly. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
55
55
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Sapphire!

Wow. What a wonderful review. I decided to read the review before reading the piece, and I have to tell you, I really wanted to read it by the time I'd finished going over the review. You were so very encouraging, and I just loved how you shared the reasons why you enjoyed this story so much. By doing that, you have enabled the author to see what the reader sees, and in so doing, gives him/her an invaluable tool for future writing.

Your review was thorough without droning on. Your friendly tone made it a joy to read through. Keep up the excellent work.

~Joy

Oh! Try to remember to put your assignments on "Review Only."
56
56
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Farooq !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


My Personal Impression

An intense and compelling read, for sure! I really enjoyed reading this. I found myself pulled along with very little effort on my part. You did a great job of creating intrigue and suspense in this.


My Thoughts

The flow of the story was really well done from beginning to end. I found the sentence structure was smooth and complimented the casual but tense tone of the narrative. The first paragraph set the mood as dark and ominous, and the stop at the petrol station lightened it up just enough to make it seem like nothing at all was wrong.

I jumped when he first saw Neel's eyes in the backseat, but as they began to converse, I relaxed a bit. Nicely done. They talked of unimportant things for a little bit, and the foreshadowing of Raven's thoughts about the scar on Neel's face was just enough to keep the tension building without giving anything away.

Loved the ending. Excellent, excellent work on that.

I have a few suggestions for you to take into consideration below.


General Suggestions

*Bullet* A pair of oval eyes were staring at him.
When I first read this sentence, I thought it was eyes looking back at him through his own reflection. Instead, it was someone in the backseat. Perhaps add that in to make sure the reader knows what's coming. For example: A pair of oval eyes stared at him from the backseat.


My Favorite Parts

I can't put my favorite part here without giving away the best part of the story, so I'll just say that it was just after Sonal broke up with him over the phone. Ah, I didn't see it coming. Nice work.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*it deceived the eyes, making colors seem what they are not.
The word are should be were in order to maintain tense.

*Bullet*could charm anyone into doing his biding.
I think biding should be bidding.

*Bullet*There should be a comma before any words used as a direct address such as names and endearments like 'honey, dumpling', etc.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An intense, compelling, intriguing, and satisfying read from beginning to end. Very nice work on this. Keep up the great work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
57
57
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hiya, Farooq !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


My Personal Impression

Ah, now this was a sweet story. I love reading stories like this that can leave me feeling happy, like love really can conquer all for some people. For Aarush, it seemed that Mayana's love gave him the bit of oomph, or confidence, he needed in order to take matters into his own hands with the backstabbing Paneel. Nice work.


My Thoughts About the Story

This story was well written and flowed well from beginning to end. At first, I felt that the beginning was a bit slow, but after the revelation in his boss's office, it took off and didn't slow back down. I was going to suggest that you might want to start it off with a bit more tension, but after reading the whole thing, I don't think you need to. The beginning part becomes quite important as the story progresses in order for the reader to connect to Aarush and understand his motivations for what he does and doesn't do.

I have to admit, I loved the scene with Mayana in the restaurant. They were both so sweet, and the nervous glances and small talk created a very intense atmosphere for the revelation that comes about while they are there. Their dialogue felt natural for the most part, and it worked well to pull the story along.

The ending was plain wonderful. I could have clapped a round of applause for what Aarush did before he left. Not only because it will make Paneel's life a living hell, but because Aarush had the nerve to do it. A very nice arc of character growth.

There were only a couple of things that I think you could work on to increase the effect this story has on the reader. First, there were some places where the speech in the narrative felt a bit too formal. For the most part, the tone is very casual, but certain phrasings created a formal tone that contradicted the casual atmosphere. The main part where I found this was when Aarush was speaking to Paneel. Paneel's speech was much more formal than Aarush's. The other thing I think you could look at is some corrections that I listed below. There were some sentences that I wasn't quite sure what you were getting at, and when that happens, the reader is taken out of the story to try and figure it out. As writers, we want to keep the reader glued to the words, not wondering about their meanings.

I have offered some suggestions below in an effort to help you smooth this story out a bit more. It is already a very good read, but I think with a little work, it could be a spectacular love story.


General Suggestions

*Bullet*“Just because he brown noses you doesn’t mean you will listen to his crap,”
The word will indicates a demand. I don't think that's what you want here. Consider using the word should instead.

*Bullet*he gets up and stares me in the face.
This sentence seems a bit awkward to me. Consider something like, 'he stares me down'.

*Bullet*“My girlfriend didn’t like spicy food but I just freak out.”
I'm not sure what this sentence means. Does he freak out as in he gets mad at his girlfriend? Or does he freak out as in he loves spicy food? You may want to rephrase to reduce confusion.

*Bullet*In a couple places you have the same speaker continuing to speak but you place the dialogue in separate paragraphs. When it is the same speaker, it can all go in one paragraph.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Today is my last day at office.
Consider adding the before office.

*Bullet*"Leaving today, Aarush?" she smiles affably.
The word she should be capitalized because it's an action, not a dialogue tag. Whenever an action precedes or follows dialogue, it should be its own sentence. When a dialogue tag follows dialogue to describe how something was said, then it is considered a part of the dialogue.

*Bullet*I hug and slap him on his back, “Man, last night simply rocked.
The comma after back should be a period because the narrative is an action.

*Bullet*“Ah Mr. Aarush, come in.”
Consider a comma before Mr. Aarush because it's a direct address.

*Bullet*“Hmm…,” he says looking through me.
The comma after the ellipses isn't needed. The ellipses itself is enough. Also, consider a comma after says in order to separate the two verbs. There are several places where the comma after the ellipses isn't needed.

*Bullet*I look at him as if he were a bug that needs to be squashed.
The word were is past tense. In order to maintain the present tense, consider using the word is.

*Bullet*“Praneel is relieved today”, he says.
The comma should be in front of the quote mark.

*Bullet* A fascinating visual of her eating while driving pops and I grin.
Consider adding up after pops. Then it will read as though the idea popped up for him to see rather than popped as in exploded.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I very much enjoyed reading this story. Aarush was presented as a well-rounded character and I grew to like him easily. His emotions came across well through the narrative and his actions, and I cared about what he did. That's one of the hardest and most important things in a love story, and you did it marvelously. Keep on writing, Farooq. You have a flare for romance, that's for sure! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
58
58
Review of Earth Keeper  
for entry "Chapter Four" 
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya,

Very nice! Oooh la la. I really liked how Dekker called her on her negative attitude. I can see why she's angry, for sure. I would be too, but at the same time, I see where Dekker's coming from. He sees her moping around and fighting with David, and without being able to understand the reasons why, it would seem like she'd being spoiled. Which she is, in a way, and that makes her all the more believable.

The intensity between them was very well done, and the cliffhanger on the end was just mean. *Wink* Perfectly placed to pull the reader on to the next chapter. Which is where I'm headed now. After that, I really do have to get some housework done...maybe.

Another great chapter. The plot line is a bit slower, but the interaction between the characters is what's most important right now, so it works well. It allows the reader to catch the small hints and start building the story in their mind for when the action comes later on.

~Joy
59
59
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Lana !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Oh, goodness. This was just pure yummy! You have a gift for writing an intense, erotic scene, that's for sure, and the added bonus of an actual story being told was the icing on the cake. A very good, hot story. Now, where is that husband of mine when I need him? *Wink*

The use of first-person present tense works wonders to place the reader right in the heat of the action from the very start. As the reader, I could sense her determination to get into her house before he could see her, and her thoughts showed me exactly why. It made me smile to think that she was so aroused just by the thought of him that she needed to stay away. Very believable and realistic, not to mention that I'm sure most people can relate to it at one point or another.

The writing is smooth, allowing the reader to lose themselves as the scene progresses. Your descriptions were excellent, and I found that you were able to provoke a wide range of reactions without overusing the same words and actions. Very nice. The language you used was just rough enough to make it hot without being too much. A very hard happy medium to achieve with erotica.

The scene with the next door neighbors made me laugh out loud. I could just see the old guy feeling up his woman. Part of me thought, "Good for them!" and another part sympathized with Amanda as she had to endure it. Too funny!

Blaze was forthright enough to continue the action once they were alone, even if Amanda would have second guessed herself to the point of going home empty handed. It was nice to see him step up to get her to realize how much he wanted her, not just the other way around. And, really, I have to say you did an excellent job of making him sexy as hell. No matter what the reader's preference for what men look like, Amanda's reaction to him will make him sexy to everyone. Nice work.

Their encounter was hot and effective, and I liked that you didn't make it really fast. The build up with him breaking the key hinted at a longer session, and you delivered on that. A very good read.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have provided a line-by-line via email as a part of the package. One main thing I noticed as I went through it was that you seemed to mix up the punctuation around the dialog a little bit. Nothing that impacted my read, but I thought I would mention it. *Smile* Since most of the errors I found were what I would consider as final editing, I only deducted a very small amount from the rating.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a sexy and compelling read from beginning to end. I enjoyed it very much. *Smile* Keep up the excellent work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
60
60
Review of Earth Keeper  
for entry "Chapter Two" 
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Lana !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I came back today to check out the next chapter, and I have to say, I'm impressed by the amount of action and reaction you packed into it. It was a fast read for me, meaning that I got wrapped up in what was happening and read clear to the end without stopping. *Wink*

The chapter starts off where the last one ended as Leila is rescued by Brandon and David and taken somewhere to be healed of the poison from the demon's claw. When she wakes up, she finds herself healed but weak, and in a whole lot more trouble than she's ready to handle.

Brandon's character is the comic relief in their trio. He manages to pipe up with a comment at just the right time to lighten the mood, and though it's clear through his actions that Leila is very important to him, it's nothing compared to the intensity of David's love. I still haven't decided yet if David sees her in the same light that she sees him, and I wonder if there's more to her feelings than she realizes. Interesting.

Brandon tells her that David is blaming himself for her running off after demons alone, but when he comes in to talk to her, he appears more angry with her for endangering their mission by almost killing herself than angry with himself over driving her away. I could see that he was holding back, a lot, through his strained expression, and the way he delivered the final statement about her not being able to leave was very dramatic and believable, but you may want to spend some time on making sure that you're delivering the right message to the reader where he's concerned. Personally, his attitude made me think he's taken it upon himself to make sure she never gets a chance to go against them again, and I have an inkling that his love for her isn't platonic, which would explain his overpowering reaction. Something for you to think about. Heck, for all I know, you're grinning right now because my confusion is what you were going for. *Laugh*

I got the impression from this chapter that Leila has little knowledge of what she's running from, and I wonder how that will affect her attitude as the story continues. She's a strong minded girl, and I tend to think that she won't be all that happy once the truth finally comes out about how much Brandon and David know and haven't told her.

The ending of this chapter was dramatic and ended with a great hook to keep the reader turning the page. Nicely done. Now I have to read on to see what the heck happened when she took off after David's car. Oh, and her reaction to him leaving was really well done. I could feel how compelled she felt to go after him, to make him listen. A very intense relationship there, for sure, and I hope she ends up making Brandon regret letting David leave at all. Lol.


Suggestions

My suggestions are about the same as the last chapter. Some time working on evening out the tense would increase the ease of the read and draw the reader on effortlessly. You have a few options where that's concerned, but as it stands, the switch from past to present tense is confusing. Also, this chapter had a lot of solid paragraph blocks that could be divided up for a smoother read, as well as allowing you to emphasize certain things more. If you'd like any help with editing and such, feel free to let me know. I don't always have a lot of time, but I could do my best to assist you if you want.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A solid and engaging second chapter, Lana. I'm looking forward to the next one. I have even more questions than I did the last time about what she is, how she's going to figure out what's going on, how she'll deal with the truth when she finds it, and how she'll deal with David. All compelling reasons to keep reading.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
61
61
Review of Earth Keeper  
for entry "Chapter one" 
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Lana !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

This was a very interesting first chapter. The reader is introduced to Leila, the Earth Keeper. Her character is shown through internal narrative regarding a fight she just completed with a group of demons. I found a few interesting tidbits that I'm dying to have explained more, and that's a really good thing because those tidbits are part of what keep the reader turning the page.

Leila is shown as a strong character right from the get-go, and due to the pain she experiences and her ability to keep talking to Roland, I found that strength to be realistic and believable. She is also shown to be vulnerable in the way that she is ignorant of her role as the Earth Keeper and what that will mean for her. Considering that she has obviously been trained to fight, I find that interesting. It means there's a whole other side to her and her life that I am eager to see.

The scene flowed well from beginning to end, and I especially liked her interaction with Roland and the discovery of why he was after her in the first place. It allowed for the reader to understand the way the demon world works a bit and reinforced that she has a lot yet to learn.


General Suggestions

*Bullet*The punctuation around the dialog isn't correct for the most part. It would be much easier for the reader if it was cleaned up a bit. I noted a couple of things in the grammar section below, but here's a link that is also very useful for learning the proper punctuation around dialog and actions: Dialog Punctuation  .

*Bullet* I found the narrative a touch confusing because you switched back and forth between present and past tense. If the thoughts are part of the narrative, they should be in past tense along with the narrative. When they are in present tense, they should be in italics to show the reader that they are direct thoughts. Placing them in with the narrative is acceptable if you use thought tags with each occurrence. As long as you stay consistent, the reader will accept it.

*Bullet*When using terms of endearment such as love, a comma should always precede it to show that it's a direct address.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*This is nothing. You’ve had worse. I thought to myself trying to catch my breath.
When you use 'I thought' within the sentence of internal thought, it acts as a sort of dialog tag, or at least, it should be written as though it is. For an example: This is nothing. You've had worse, I thought to myself, trying to catch my breath.

*Bullet* I clumsily kick slid myself over to the side...
Consider hyphenating 'kick-slid' in order to show that it's one movement.

*Bullet*The same make and model of the one-thrust inches deep into my side.
I'm not sure why 'one-thrust' is hyphenated. It caused me to read it wrong and I ended up having to reread to understand the sentence. Consider rephrasing. Perhaps something like: The same make and model as the one sitting inches deep in my side.

*Bullet* I had never before clashed with a demon like him, he was a shocking challenge and definitely not like the others.
Consider a semicolon here in order to eliminate the comma splice.

*Bullet*“Leila. “ the demon said...
When a dialog tag follows dialog, the period becomes a comma to allow for the tag.

*Bullet*He paused to breath.
I think breath should be breathe.

*Bullet*“Your dying too Leila.”
The word Your should be You're.

*Bullet*I wanted to scream but my vocal chords where numb.
Just a typo on the word where. It should be were.

*Bullet*“Your insane.”
Your should be You're.

*Bullet*“Come on lets get u cleaned up.”
The u should be you.


My Favorite Part(s)

I'm not going to copy and paste my favorite part because it would be far too much for a review. My favorite part of this chapter was how Leila was shown Roland's memories through their contact. Not only did it show her that things aren't always as they seem, but I'm sure it will help her character to grow in the following chapters. Nice work.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a solid first chapter. I would love to see you edit this to create a smoother read, but in the same breath, I was impressed with the character development and smooth flow of the scene. I look forward to reading more. If you decide to edit, feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and re-rate accordingly. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sarah Kate !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I thought I would stop by with a review to welcome you to SAJ. *Smile*

This was a very good read from beginning to end. You used a relaxed tone to start off with, allowing the reader to feel the children's fun as they played a game together. The gradual change as the story progressed worked very well to intensify the emotion. As the children headed back to their own yard, the reader got to feel a bit of relief before the final climax. Very nice work on pacing to keep the reader involved.

You did a very nice job with the dialog between the children. It felt natural and was very believable. They acted and reacted just the way I would expect of children their age.

The ending was great. It left it hanging, but at the same time, there's no room for doubt in the reader's mind about what will happen next.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*What are you so afraid of?”
Just missing the opening quote mark on this sentence.

*Bullet*She shivers.
Consider using shivered to maintain the past tense.

*Bullet*Tears start to fall down Julie’s eyes
This seemed a little off to me just because it's not possible for tears to fall down her eyes. Perhaps fall from her eyes? Or even fall down her cheeks. See what you think.

*Bullet*when he saw Marie grab a bloody knife off the counter and turned towards them with a feral smile.
The wording was just a little off here. Consider using turn or rewording slightly to say: when Marie grabbed a bloody knife off the counter and turned toward them...


My Favorite Part(s)

“And the kids at school say she eats children, and has pet spiders, and all kinds of creepy things.”

I loved this line because it was so well done to show the age of the child, as well as her fear. I could easily see my daughter saying just the same thing!


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I really enjoyed this story. It was very well written, compelling, and intense. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of A Final Wish  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Lana !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I loved the basis of this story. The first section was potent and emotional, and even though I was witnessing her pain and loss through the eyes of the point of view character, I could feel the depth of her sadness. You made great use of varying sentence length and vivid descriptions to put the reader right there in the rain, watching the scene unfold, and leaving it off on a hook where the reader didn't quite know what was going on was a great way to keep their interest for the next scene. Very nicely done.

The second section was very important to the understanding of the story as a whole, in order for the reader to 'get' what was happening and to whom. Using the scene with her hugging her grandfather was excellent. It showed the reader the love in its purest form, and allowed for the good-bye he needed. Also, I liked that the line of dialog from Maria sounded realistic to be coming from a little girl. It made it that much more authentic.

The only drawback of this story is how often the perspective changes in the second half. The reader was shown first the angel's perspective, then the girl's, and then the grandfather's at the end, and personally, I found it confusing. I had to re-read it a few times to make sure I was getting the whole story and understanding who each person was. I think if you could show it from just one perspective, it would have a much larger impact on the reader.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*I pressed my hand against her wet face, it was the color of ivory and her tears were gleaming pearls swimming down and stopping at her chin before dribbling onto her soaked clothing.
Consider a semicolon after 'face' because both the sentence before the comma and the one following it are independent clauses.

*Bullet*It was almost time another minute or two.
Consider an em dash after 'time' in order to give 'another minute or two' emphasis.

*Bullet*“Are you alright Maria? Do you understand what I am? I waited for her to comprehend.
Just missing the end quote mark after the question mark. There are a few other spots where I noticed the same thing in the second section.

*Bullet*“Yes. I know. She said.
A couple of quick things here. First, the quote mark after 'know' is missing. Also, the period after 'know' should be a comma because it's being followed by a dialog tag, and the 'she' should be in lower case.

*Bullet*Her lips trembled and her eyes cast down as she wept once again.
The wording 'her eyes cast down' is a bit too passive for this kind of emotional piece. Consider using a more direct description like, 'she looked down' or 'her eyes dropped'.

*Bullet*Another minute and I can open the door. He thought anxiously fidgeting with the doorknob.
When using inner thoughts and following them with a tag such as 'he thought' it works the same as a dialog tag. In this case, the sentence should read: Another minute and I can open the door, he thought, anxiously fidgeting with the doorknob. There is another sentence like this later on from the girl's perspective.

*Bullet*she hugged him tighter
The 'she' here should be capitalized.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This story was potent, emotional, and really made me feel the characters. I loved the basis of the story, and would be more than happy to come back and re-rate if there are any edits done. Keep up the fantastic work. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Movers  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, jadelette!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I enjoyed this piece. I decided to read it because I saw that this was a fantasy and then I wondered how you would incorporate the needed sentence. My mind went blank, so I just had to know what you had thought of. I was impressed by the originality of this piece. I wonder, have you considered writing more on it? It would be interesting, I think.

You did a great job pulling the reader into the story with the use of action right off the get-go. You used vivid descriptions and believable reactions from the characters to paint a realistic and intense scene as she and Brunt faced the bandits and the storm. I found her thoughts believable, and the way the sentences were phrased helped to set the tone nicely.

The story flowed well from beginning to end, and I had no trouble following her actions as she went to try and find Brunt. The revelation made in the last sentence showed her motivation and made it that much more realistic that she would be so determined to find him.

I think you did an excellent job with this, especially when considering that it was written to a prompt with a word count. I'd love to see what you could do with it unhampered by those conditions.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I noted a few errors in punctuation, but I know that you are more than capable of finding and correcting them on your own since we took a punctuation class together. *Wink* If you decide to edit and would like a hand, feel free to email me.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An entertaining and intriguing read. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and would love to read more if you ever decide to add to it. Keep up the great work! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of In Mourning  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, A.M.Issy !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

This was a very deep, emotional, and thought provoking piece for me. The first time I read through it, I experienced the vivid imagery and emotional impact of loss and regret, and how we worry that our memories of our loved ones will fade. I almost always read poetry a few times over, and I just loved that this piece grew with every reading. The subtlety in this allows for the reader to understand something new with each reading. The symbolism of the clouds expresses how the memories can float lazily by, floating out of our reach far too quickly if we don't call them back and let them live within us. Very nicely done.


Tone & Mood

The tone was gentle and familiar, allowing the reader to feel the emotion within the first stanza. The use of figurative language and specific punctuation unites with the tone to create a mood of wistful and loving reflection. Though there is sadness in this piece, it didn't stand out as the primary emotion, and I think that increased the effectiveness of the piece on the whole.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

This piece was written without a specific form or rhyming sequence, but it sure didn't hurt the flow in any way. There was a distinct cadence granted through the line lengths, wording, and punctuation that allowed the poem to flow smoothly from beginning to end. I always test flow by reading the poem out loud, and I have to say, the effect of it spoken aloud was intense and effective. Really excellent work.


Suggestions

*Bullet* I have two very minor suggestions for you. The first is that the number 6 should be written out as 'six' to maintain the visual flow of the piece. Also, the words 'with in' could be 'within'.


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, an exceptional piece of free-style poetry with a wide range of emotion, vivid imagery, compelling tone, and a heartfelt message that I think almost everyone will appreciate in their own way. I know I sure did. *Smile* Keep up the amazing work!


Happy Writing!

~AJ
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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for entry "Perception" 
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, jadelette!

I am more than happy to stop by with a Rising Stars M2M review for your item, "The Ambivalent Spoon" . I hope you find my comments useful. *Smile*


My Thoughts

When I saw the title The Ambivalent Spoon I just had to stop in and take a peek at what would be within a notebook/blog with that name. Very clever. *Wink* As I was surfing through the entries, the first few lines of this story caught my interest, so I thought I'd stop for a read and review. *Smile*

I love it when a plan comes together. Honestly, this is what first popped into my mind when I finished reading this. I have several novellas all going at the same time right now, and this afternoon I was jumping from one to the next in a half-hearted attempt to find something I felt like writing about. I kept thinking to myself that I needed a way to explain how my two MCs had two very opposite reactions to the same situation, and I was really having a hard time with it. Then I decided to jump on WdC and read, and low and behold, I somehow wandered across this piece. Well, I have to say, you answered my dilemma and gave me a whole lot of food for thought at the same time with this entry.

I really enjoyed how you showed the same leaf falling from the tree from several different view points. Each of them had very different but very believable reactions to the same incident according to what was important to them, the changes it could have in their daily life whether positive or negative, and the results those changes would produce for them. What one woman saw as a wonderful time, another saw as more work, and yet another saw as a good reason to cause her sister some discomfort. Each of them reacted according to their past experiences. I love that you 'showed' the reader just how it happens around us all the time without us realizing it. Your short scenes from each person made it more real and created a stronger impact than your thoughts alone would have. Nice job.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Her mouth watered in anticipation of the juicy turkey to be laid out at the in the centre of the bountiful Christmas . . .
I think you have extra words in this sentence. Consider removing at the.

*Bullet*He found that if he met peoples' gaze as he navigated along a busy street . . .
I think 'gaze' should be plural because the subject is plural.

*Bullet*Winter is on it's way.
The word it's should be its.

*Bullet*My only other suggestion is to watch how often you use adverbs to describe things when you could use more active verbs instead. Don't get me wrong, I love adverbs, but if you don't need to use them for impact, then consider replacing them with active verbs or descriptions instead so that the reader has the ability to experience the story rather than just read it.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the topic of perceptions in this notebook for everyone to enjoy. Sometimes, we need an excuse to slow down and think about life from someone else's point of view in order to be happy with what we weren't even aware we had. I've thoroughly enjoyed visiting your port, and I hope to do so again soon. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Siareen !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Oh, man, did I ever have a ton of fun reading the two versions of this story! I have to say, I love the idea you had here of the two boys being awake during the time that the rest of the castle was asleep. It made the whole situation seem a bit more realistic because the reader was shown their reactions to the situation from them being confused but not worried, to them becoming worried and desperate for everyone to wake up as more and more time passed.

I think you did a really good job on the colloquial speech patterns of the narrator. It is very necessary to establish a rhythm when using different speech patterns in order for the reader to be able to follow the speech and become used to it enough that they can follow the story. That rhythm is achieved through consistency in word usage and sentence structure, and I think you did that beautifully in this version. The other version was also very good, but I found that with almost every word changed, it became a bit tiring to read. In this version, I fell into the rhythm within the first couple of sentences and had no trouble maintaining it. Very nicely done.

The ending on this story was great. The last sentence summed up the boys' emotions and reactions to the time when the castle was asleep in a way that left me grinning from ear to ear, happy for them that their mother was worried about the blueberries. A great, feel-good ending.


General Suggestions

I just have two small suggestions for you. First, consider adding a line of white space between each paragraph to increase the ease of the read. When reading online, I find it hard to follow the lines when there's no white space between paragraphs because the lines are so close together. When you are in the editing screen, you can check Double Space Paragraphs in section 6 in order to provide that white space. My other suggestion is that you give your piece a rating. When it is not rated, it will not show up on the public listings, so it will be much harder for readers to find.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I didn't note anything in this area that I would change.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a great read. To answer your question of which version I liked better, I would say this one only because it was less work for me as I read and provided the same end result. Well done. Keep up the great work! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


My Thoughts

Ah, what a wonderful children's story! I enjoyed it from beginning to end. As luck would have it, my six-year-old was home from school today, so I read it to him, and he really enjoyed it. As I sit here typing this review, he is busy drawing pictures of Johnny with his new dragon. *Smile*

The pacing in this was really good from start to finish, and the scene progression was smooth. You spent just enough time describing the scenery, and the description of the troll was perfect for children. The wording you used was appropriate for the age group you are targeting, and the use of Johnny's reactions within the narrative allowed for the reader to feel what he was feeling, as well as what he was seeing. Nice work.

The story came across as believable, and the dialog between Johnny and Darby worked well to advance the plot and keep the tension high for the reader.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have included some suggestions below for your consideration. *Smile*

*Bullet* “Help!” Again, Johnny paused.
Since Johnny isn't the one speaking, consider separating the dialog by giving it its own paragraph.

*Bullet* Got anywhere I can hide in for a while?”
This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Consider removing in or replacing anywhere with anything.

*Bullet*Maybe breakfast tomorrow, if you don’t mind?
Just missing the ending quote mark on this dialog.

*Bullet*put the second set in a separate back.
I think the word back was meant to be bag.

*Bullet*Johnny hand his friend the large paper bag . . .
I think hand should be handed.

*Bullet* “I tell you a little secret. He looked around and whispered,
Just missing the ending quote mark after secret.

*Bullet* Johnny looked over his should at the back door.
Just a simple typo on shoulder.

*Bullet* “What do I look like? A rag doll.
The words A rag doll are an extension of the first question. Consider using a question mark instead of a period.

*Bullet*How many wishes does the Troll get.
Consider a question mark here.

*Bullet* like slim and fungus growing.
Just a typo here on slime.

*Bullet* He saw the something running over the bridge, towards them.
I think the word the is extra in this sentence.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Besides a bit of work needed on editing, I think this piece was just wonderful. The suggestions I made are what I consider to be final editing, so they didn't have much impact on the rating. I enjoyed reading it, and I will not hesitate to recommend it to others. Keep up the great work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of The Intervention  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hiya, Summer Wind is Healing !

I am more than happy to stop by with a review for your short story, " The Intervention" . I hope you find my comments useful. *Smile*


My Thoughts

I stopped by your portfolio because I saw that you are a recent addition to the Rising Stars. Congrats! The description of this piece intrigued me, so I thought I would stop in for a read and review. *Smile*

This was a touching story with a strong moral, and I really enjoyed reading it. You have a strong talent for using active language to pull the reader into the situation and allowing them to experience it rather than just understand that it happened. Nice work.


Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone in this started out as tense as the reader was pulled directly into the situation through the use of strong dialogue and potent description. The mood was set well through the use of sentence length, flow, and realistic dialogue.

The tense was consistent throughout, and the point of view was mainly from the perspective of Jan as she watched the scene unfold from her hiding place. In the end, however, it did switch over to Will as he was given his second chance. While I understand that showing his emotion from his point of view creates more reaction in the reader, also consider that it is considered 'head hopping' and is something that most editors and agents frown on. Showing the reader his reactions and the subsequent emotion in Jan as a result of seeing the change would be just as poignant, I think.


Plot/Theme

The plot in this was simple but effective. Will, a young man who was abused and neglected as a child, turned to crime. He receives a second chance from God, and while the reader is left to wonder why, it is a good ending because God cannot be questioned. It left me feeling happy for him as a reader.


Imagery, & Setting

Excellent work in this area. The imagery was wonderful, and I had no problems seeing the characters, the area they were in, or the scene as it unfolded. Your use of language and sentence structure worked very well to keep me engrossed in the story.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Everybody down on the floor and don't move!" he snarled.
Just missing the opening quote marks.

*Bullet* He seemed to ignore her presence as he pulled his greasy T-shirt up to his face wiping rivulets of sweat pouring off his brow.
There are a couple of things I would like to comment on here. First, the word 'seemed' takes away from the active scene you have set in this paragraph because it makes the character seem like she is uncertain. Consider removing it to keep the tension mounting. Also, I think you could improve the flow with a slight rewording. For example, 'He ignored her presence and pulled his greasy t-shirt up to his face, wiping rivulets of sweat from his face as they poured off his brow.' See what you think.

*Bullet*"How could this happen?" Jan thought.
I think this is something that is different depending on where you live, but consider using italics to show thoughts rather than quotation marks. When a reader see quotation marks, the first thought is that it is dialogue. The added 'thought' tag does change their mind, but it also throws them off for a few seconds. As writers, we never want our readers to be thrown while reading because it means their attention is not on the story, if only for a few seconds.

*Bullet* He brushed his tousled blonde curls, hanging lazily over his piercing green eyes.
Watch out for adverbs that don't add to the content of the sentence. In this sentence, the word 'lazily' isn't really needed because 'tousled' already sets the carefree attitude. I think taking it out would increase the flow. See what you think.

*Bullet* Be careful, Will you do not know who you are dealing with, and what I am capable."
You are missing the opening quote marks. Also, consider ending the first sentence after 'Will' to give his first words more of an impact, like he's warning the hoodlum. For example, '"Be careful, Will. You don't know who you're dealing with, and what I am capable of."' Also, I added contractions to give the speech a more realistic sound. See if you like it.

*Bullet*"I know everything about you, Will from the time ...
Consider a comma after 'Will' to keep it separate from the main sentence.

*Bullet* My name is Median the man answered quietly,
You just need a quote mark after the word 'Median' in order to close the dialogue before the tag.

*Bullet* I am here to help you make the right choice.
You need an opening quote mark here.

*Bullet*Will stepped forward screaming obscenities, “Who the Hell are you?"

Will lunged at Median.
Consider removing the stepping forward so that his movements don't seem redundant. Consider, Will lunged at Median. "Who the Hell are you?"

*Bullet*and peacefully one by one left the restaurant.
Consider, '... and peacefully left the restaurant, one-by-one.'

*Bullet*"Now bring Will before me" he said.
Consider a comma before the ending quote mark.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a thought provoking piece. I enjoyed reading it very much. If you decide to edit, please feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and revise my rating accordingly. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, ~SilverMoon~ !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

This piece deals with a very hard time in your life, and I commend you for your ability to share it. You tell about the gradual decline of a man you loved as he allowed himself to get caught up in taking medications, as well as the changes in his attitude. You suffered greatly from the way he treated you, and I'm sure that the realization that he didn't love you like you deserved was a big blow. I think it would have been especially hard because you were committed to him, regardless of how he treated you, staying with him until his end. That takes not only courage, but determination and a level of selflessness that most people, even good people, do not possess.

This piece was well structured and easy to read. I found the conversational tone worked very well to allow the reader to connect to the narrator and see life from her perspective. Nicely done.


My Favorite Parts

Even now, I have a hard time typing that because the truth is I sometimes wish it never happened, and at the same time, I figure everything that we experience helps us understand more and helps us realize and be who we really are.

How inspirational! I love how you showed both sides of it, how hard it can be to move past something like this, but it also shows those out there that may be having a hard time that sometimes bad situations can show us just how strong we really are.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*and if it's combined with other pain killers
There's just an extra space before 'pain', and the words 'pain killers' should be together, 'painkillers'. I noticed several other areas where there was a bit too much spacing between words, but I'm sure you will see them without my help. *Wink*

*Bullet*Thoughts drift into my head about someone I lived with, who took those kinds of pills.
Consider removing the comma before 'who'. I don't think it's necessary, and it seems to cut the flow of the sentence. See what you think.

*Bullet*maybe that was his way of projecting himself as kind, considerate, fun, clean, upstanding citizen and father.
I think adding an 'a' before 'kind' would work because you end the sentence with 'citizen and father', so the adjectives are all describing what kind of citizen and father he was.

*Bullet*Some things were so traumatic that I can't even talk about it, at least not now, if ever again, unless it served a purpose.
Consider using 'serves' instead of 'served' to maintain consistency.

*Bullet* Most people get drowsy. instead it caused me to have more energy.
Just a small typo in this sentence. *Wink*

*Bullet*No I survived a living hell.
Consider a comma after 'No' because it's an introductory word.

*Bullet*Still, marriage is suppose to be sacred.
The word 'suppose' should be 'supposed'.

*Bullet*The consequences are also theirs too.
The word 'too' isn't needed. The word 'also' is enough.

*Bullet*I hate that feeling of helplessness.
The word 'hate' should be 'hated' to maintain tense.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A personal, emotional, and thought provoking read. Thank you for sharing. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
71
71
Review of The last goodbye  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Leila !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Wow, what a sad piece. The gentle, almost detached tone you used in this worked really well to reflect the emotions you were feeling at the time. It allowed the progression of events to almost blur before the eyes of the reader, just as they seem to you in hindsight. I know I felt the same way when my mom passed away. I kept looking around, wondering when the nightmare would end and I could wake up. That's what this piece felt like as well, as though you were waiting to wake up and see that everything was normal.

The ending paragraph was great because it showed the moment when you finally realized that reality wasn't going to change, and you weren't going to wake up. Very emotional.

The piece progressed very well from beginning to end, each paragraph taking the reader closer to the inevitable ending. Nicely done. I could feel the emotion behind the detachment, the flood of pain being held back by the heart's inability to accept the truth. Powerful stuff.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*I have no recollection of packing, getting into the car, traveling, but I must have done that, for I could not just appear 400 km (248 miles) away.
While there's nothing wrong with this sentence, I think you could make a couple small changes to increase the flow. Consider adding 'or' before 'traveling', and consider removing 'done that'. For me, those two small changes would give it a smoother flow.

*Bullet*I was watching a movie about a girl who had just lost her grandpa.
Consider using 'watched' instead of 'was watching' in order to increase the active voice and give a greater impact.

*Bullet*No school, my grandpa died in January, time of the summer holiday.
I'm not 100% certain on this, but I think using an em dash after 'No school' would allow a smoother flow.

*Bullet*We had moved from a land ...
Consider removing 'had' as it is not needed to establish the past tense.

*Bullet*but my mom's answer gave me a pleasing sensation into my chest ...
I think 'into' should be 'in'.

*Bullet*Finally, the moment the coffin entered the drawer; tears dropped from my eyes.
The semicolon here should be a comma.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A compelling, emotional read. I'm sure that many people, like me, will be able to relate to this. I hope writing it allowed you to work through your pain of loss. Very well done. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
72
72
Review of Taking a Stand  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Jeff !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Very good opening paragraph. The first sentence grabbed my attention, and the following paragraph piqued my interest. Nicely done.

The story flowed well from beginning to end, and I found the action and intensity built up in a steady rhythm, allowing the reader to feel a continual rise of suspense and anticipation as she finds Josiah and leads him through the tunnels. When he slipped out of the tunnel, I nearly held my breath, waiting to see if she would follow. Excellent work.

I really liked the idea of the tunnels under the city. The short history you included about them being used by merchants and the like was believable and original. Something I wish I would have thought of myself. Nice.

The character of Ellie was well developed, and I really think the opening scene was effective in establishing the kind of person she was. Right away, she was shown as a risk taker and someone who didn't like to follow the rules. Well, maybe not that she didn't like to follow rules, but she had enough of a mind of her own to know that she didn't agree with the rules, and she had the courage to stand up for what she believed in. The only thing I wasn't sure with her was her age, but I'm thinking she could have been anywhere from thirteen to sixteen, considering her mature way of thinking.

Also, the dialogue was great. Besides some issues with the placement of dialogue which I indicated below, I felt the dialogue flowed naturally, and was well worded to show the individual character's personalities.

The ending left me hanging, but at the same time, it allowed for the reader to create whatever ending they desired, so it worked out well.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* "Thank you, constable." Mrs. Claven said, ...
The period after 'constable' should be a comma because it's followed by a dialogue tag.

*Bullet*Since then, he has devoted his life ...
While this sentence works well within the context of the paragraph, it uses present tense. Consider altering the wording slightly to keep the tense consistent. Perhaps something like, 'After that, he devoted his life ...'

*Bullet* There were a few branches of a few older tunnels ...
The word 'few' feels repetitious in this sentence. Consider eliminating the second one as it is not needed to establish the fact of multiple tunnels.

*Bullet* "Hey!" He yelled.
The word 'He' doesn't need to be capitalized because it is a dialogue tag.

*Bullet* "Wait!" He cried out.
Same thing here with the 'He'. It happens a few more times throughout the story.

*Bullet*She stopped, but turned around to face him.
I think the word 'but' should be 'and'. It doesn't really make sense with the 'but'.

*Bullet* He looked at her intently.

"Because I'm going to put an end to Governor Rourk."
When the same character is doing the action and speaking, the two can go together in the same paragraph. It works well to show the reader that the one doing that action is the one speaking. This happens often throughout the story and can be quite confusing for the reader.

*Bullet*I'm tired of letting people like Rourk controlling people like my parents ...
I think 'controlling' should be 'control'. Read it out loud and see what you think.

*Bullet*And second, how do you think it would look if they found two Constructs in pieces in the courtyard.
I think this should end in a question mark.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a very entertaining read. I enjoyed it very much. The plot line was strong, and the characters were likable and realistic. If you ever decide to continue the story, I would definitely be interested in reading it. *Smile* If you decide to edit, feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and revise my rating accordingly.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
73
73
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Bigsmile*


My Thoughts

This was a really good read. I decided to review it because my reaction to it was quite strong, so bear with me. *Wink* I found this piece both sad and uplifting at the same time. The first part concentrates on the pain felt when love is lost, the aching that just won't seem to go away, no matter how hard you try. Then, in the last couple of stanzas, you show how one can pull free of those negative emotions and thoughts, and look toward a time when the pain will be dulled. The last line was very powerful because it brings the whole poem together, but also because it's so true. Leaving love behind would have to be one of the very hardest things to do. I couldn't imagine having to try. Good stuff, Mike!


Tone & Mood

The tone was emotional and contemplative without being at all bitter. I sensed only the grief of loss and a desire to find a way to deal with the emotions in a way that the speaker could continue on. So many times in this kind of poetry, a sense of callousness finds its way in, creating bitterness and anger. I think it's awesome that this piece did not lay blame. I think it allows it to be that much more emotional for the reader. Nice work.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

The rhyme scheme in this was consistent and smooth. The words were chosen carefully to give impact while maintaining a smooth flow from beginning to end. There was just one line that I stumbled over as I read out loud. It is as follows:

Now I sit here wondering why.

For me, it would flow a little smoother as 'Now I sit and wonder why'. See what you think. *Smile*


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A powerful, meaningful poem that I'm really glad I had a chance to read. Keep up the wonderful work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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74
74
Review of Worth A Try  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, QueenErinI !

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Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I saw you listed on "Meet the Newbies" at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central"  and thought I would stop in for a read. One of my weaknesses is werewolves, so this piece caught my attention. *Smile*


My Thoughts

The introductory paragraph was very well done to pull the reader into the story and show the character's personality through her thoughts. The phrasing of the sentences worked to show the emotion behind the words without needing anything extra to establish the character's voice. Nicely done. Also, your use of the first-person perspective was smooth and consistent, allowing the reader to lose themselves in the narrative without being confused over tense issues. *Thumbsup*

Great introduction to Kayden's character. You chose something that was realistic for the character to be thinking about to show some details about Kayden's personality which allowed the narrative to move along without stalling over details.

The explanation of what she's passing by as she walks home does a nice job of foreshadowing the coming encounter with the wolf, and the mention of 'emerald eyes' works well to make the reader think of Kayden. It also works well to heighten the tension of the story. My only issue with the scene is that you 'told' me what happened, rather than 'showing' it by describing it. Slow down and envision the scene as it happens. What thoughts go through her mind as she sees the wolf's teeth sink into the human's throat? What does it look like to her? Adding details to the encounter would make it come alive in the reader's mind and create even more tension. You want the reader to feel suspense when the wolf shows up, and then relief when he saves her, and in order to do that, the reader needs to be able to 'see' it happen, not just 'know' it happened.

The rest of the story flows well, and kept my interest easily. I was eager to see whether or not they would be able to get together, and I was pleased that they did. I'm not sure that I believe how easily she accepted that he was a werewolf, though. There was very little disbelief on her part at all, and even though the eyes tipped her off, I still think there would be more than a few lines exchanged over the issue.

I know you state in the description that this is a one shot story, but you definitely have the makings of a longer story here if you choose to pursue it. The ending is satisfying as a short, but could easily be extended. You made me like both of the characters, and that's a big part of keeping the reader interested to read more about them. *Smile*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* Fortunately I know my stuff;
Consider a comma after 'Fortunately' because it is a disjunctive adverb as well as an introductory word.

*Bullet*“Calm down. I have a better way for you to use up all this energy.” I stop spinning, my attention caught by my green-eyed companion.
Since the action being performed after the dialog is that of Alivia and not Kayden, it should be in its own paragraph. You could easily place it directly before her response in the following paragraph.

*Bullet*“One of my friends is having a party tonight on the other side of town. I’ll pick you up on my way there,” he offers. I bounce up and down with excitement.

“Really? I’m so there,” I reply eagerly. “You remember where I live?” He grins.

“I couldn’t forget. I’ll see you tonight, then.
The same thing is happening here. When one character is speaking, only his/her actions should be included in the same paragraph as the dialogue. Consider the following:

“One of my friends is having a party tonight on the other side of town. I’ll pick you up on my way there,” he offers.

I bounce up and down with excitement. “Really? I’m so there,” I reply eagerly. “You remember where I live?”

He grins. “I couldn’t forget. I’ll see you tonight, then...

As you can see, the actions all correspond with who is speaking. This happens quite often throughout the story. Consider smoothing it out in order to reduce any chance of confusion on the reader's part.

*Bullet**time skip*
Rather than doing this, you could use a scene break such as:

*Note* *Note* *Note*

To do this, simply type {center} {e:note} {e:note} {e:note} {/center} and it will show up the same as the above example on your story.

*Bullet*“How do you mean, errands?”
This may be a difference in the areas that we live, but I think 'What do you mean' would be more appropriate.

*Bullet* Apparently she’s overseas on a missions trip with her...
Consider a comma after 'Apparently' because it's a disjunctive adverb, as well as an introductory word.


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. Consider going through to smooth out the paragraphs that include dialogue and action to reduce confusion. It would enhance the flow of the story and the ease of the read nicely. Keep up the great work! I look forward to reading more of your writing. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
75
75
Review of The Accident  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hiya, !

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC! *BalloonR*


Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I saw your review request posted on "Invalid Item"  and thought I would stop by for a read. *Smile*


My Thoughts

This piece really spoke to me. I lost my mom in July of this year, and though I have learned to move on, she is always on my mind. I think this piece is a wonderful way for you to express your emotions, as well as to allow others who may be experiencing the same kind of thing to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may also act as a warning to some by showing them that we need to always be sure that we can live with what we say and do. I have a similar regret where my mom is concerned, and it has taken a lot of work on my part not to sink into a self-induced despair over something I cannot change.

This essay was very well written and structured. It read smoothly from beginning to end, and I could sense your emotions clearly. The use of descriptive wording worked nicely in the first paragraph to set the somber mood and allow the reader to feel the emotion right from the start. Nicely done. Also, the first sentence did a great job of capturing my attention and pulling me into the piece.

The only thing that threw me off a bit was the very last part that said 'Now, a month after my mother's death'. Through the essay, I felt as though this was written quite a while after her death, rather than only a month after. It confused me for a moment. Something for you to think about. *Smile*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have a few suggestions regarding comma usage. *Smile*

*Bullet*...the old gate of the cemetery in our small town creaked, as I slowly pushed it open.
The comma before 'as' isn't needed because it is a subordinating conjunction that shows time. There are several spots where the word 'as' shouldn't have a comma. One way to remember whether to use one or not is to ask yourself if it shows 'when' something happened. If it shows time, a comma is not needed.

*Bullet* I felt closer to her, than I ever had after that fateful accident.
The comma before 'than' is not needed because it stunts the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*the Twenty Third of November, Two Thousand and Ten
These numbers do not need to be capitalized. Also, consider using hyphenation to make them proper. For example, 'the twenty-third of November'.

*Bullet*It started out normally enough, I argued with my mother, in the morning before school, about the party I wanted to go for that night.
Consider using a period rather than the comma after 'enough' to separate the two thoughts. Also, the commas in the second part are not needed. One quick way to check, and it doesn't always work, but is sometimes helpful, is to speak the sentence out loud. If the pauses sound funny, then chances are that they aren't needed. Like I said, that's not a fool-proof method by any means, but it is helpful.

*Bullet*she logically explained to me, that going to the party was not advisable.
No comma here.

*Bullet*The next thing I remember was when my frantic father called my school to notify me about my mother’s accident, she was taken by a good Samaritan, ...
Start a new sentence with 'she was taken...' because it's the start of a new thought.

*Bullet*It was a feeling that I only I completely understood.
The first 'I' is extra, I think.

*Bullet* But gradually like a ray of sunshine the path was drawn in front of me.
Consider the following punctuation to improve the flow: 'But gradually, like a ray of sunshine, the path was drawn in front of me.'

*Bullet*Today, a month after my mother’s death, I knelt beside her grave and with moist eyes, whispered into the silence, “I love you mom.”
Consider adding the word 'and' before 'whispered'.

One last thing. Be careful of adverbs ending in -ly. While they are very useful in descriptions, they tend to tell rather than show, and most publishers frown on them being used any more than one every three hundred words. Of course, that only matters if you are looking toward publication. *Wink*


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

This was a well-written, emotional, as well as inspirational essay, and I'm so glad I got a chance to read it. I'm sure that anyone who has felt this kind of loss will be able to relate to the emotions and be uplifted by the content. Well done. Keep up the great work. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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