~A.J. Lyle~ 's (joycampbell) Reviews

~A.J. Lyle~

Review Requests: OFF

2,311 Public Reviews Given

2,564 Total Reviews Given

I'm good at...

Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.

Favorite Genres

Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense

Least Favorite Genres

Horror

Favorite Item Types

Short Stories, Chapters

Least Favorite Item Types

Poetry

I will not review...

I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.

76

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3625189

Review of How to Read a Poem

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Circle of Sisters

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hiya, Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h !

I am reviewing this piece on behalf of "Circle of Sisters"

. Thanks so much for entering the Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest!

My Personal Impression

Now this is just too awesome! A poem about how to read a poem. I would have never thought of something like this. I loved it from beginning to end. Great work!

Strengths

I really enjoyed how you used fonts, spacing, short lines, and questions to get your point across in this piece. For each section, you used visual stimulation to 'show' the reader what you were going for. I read some parts fast and furiously, some parts slowly, like a river meandering through the countryside because of the effective way you presented the piece. Nice work!

Besides the visual effect and the smooth flow from beginning to end, you also packed a whole lot of great content in here to challenge the reader and make them think about how they review poems, as well as what they get out of them as they read. I think it's so very important for the reader to consider the author's intent when writing while they are reading in order to 'get' what the author was going for. Some poems are just fun and leave the reader happy, some contain emotional themes and come complete with a thought provoking message, and I love that you have shown that in this piece through questioning the reader.

My Favorite Parts

I approach with trembling hands,
my heart fluttering,
as I stare down at the page.

This beginning stanza was my favorite because it set the tone and mood so well. It created emotion by allowing the reader to 'feel' right from the beginning. It really enhanced the effect of the rest of the piece, and it also showed the reader that the piece would involve them directly. Nicely done.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have one small suggestion for you.

it’s hidden meanings
The word 'it's' is a contraction of 'it is'. In this sentence, I believe you want 'its' which is the possessive form.

In Conclusion

An unorthodox way of teaching some of the finer points of reading and reviewing poetry. I loved it! I will definitely recommend this to others.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish.

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3624905

Review of Vampire Heart

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Invalid Item"

For the premise of this group's activities, please see:

"Invalid Item"

Please keep in mind that my opinions, thoughts, and suggestions are meant to encourage and help. If you don't agree, that's just fine. Feel free to use or discard anything as you see fit. Above all, never stop sharing your love of the written word.

Hiya, D_Joy !

Why I Chose To Review This Item:

When I heard you had posted something new, I just couldn't wait to come and check it out. I love the way your mind works, and there's just nothing more fun that exploring a dark, seductive piece such as this.

My Thoughts

Wow. You definitely know how to capture your audience. From the first couplet, I was pulled in by the dark tone and undercurrent of longing. I read through the piece without stumbling at all, and I really enjoyed how you managed to show the reader how strong the pull of the vampire felt. The sentence, "I'm not for sale, but I've been bought" showed well how the longing was undeniable, both because of his power and her own desire. Deep and thoughtful.

Conventions

This poem was written in rhyming couplets with a consistent 8 syllable line count. I found the rhymes worked very well to increase the smooth flow, as well as complement the content. The dark tone and use of effective wording aided the mood of longing and need, and while I often find this need to be in a sexual context, I felt like the need in this piece more reflected the need to be something other than what she already was... almost as if the change gave a sense of freedom that was unavailable in any other way. It could be that I'm reading more into this than was intended, but in my mind, this piece caused me to sit deep in thought for some time, and I finally decided that the sensual aspect fused with the need for freedom to create a sense of confused need... like the character wasn't sure what she needed, but also couldn't say no. Interesting and compelling.

I noticed that you used enjambment in this, allowing the correct punctuation to direct the reader's speed and rhythm while reading it out loud. I found it very effective. Nicely done.

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling

I have a few small suggestions. These are, however, what I would consider as fine-tuning while editing and didn't impact the effectiveness of my read.

You grasp my throat, I dare not scream,
Since these two are independent clauses that are related to each other, I believe a semicolon would be appropriate in place of the first comma.

“Be still my love, this is a dream”
Since this is meant to show dialog, consider using a period before the ending quote mark.

For consistency sake, consider ending the last two stanzas with periods.

My Favorite Part(s)

I hear your voice, your whispers creep,
In the treetops, and down the street.

I loved this opening stanza the most because it worked so well to set the scene. It granted a sense of dark anticipation and suspense. The imagery worked well to allow me to imagine the sound of his voice, soft and dark, floating on the wind to find her, no matter where she was. Intense and effective.

In Conclusion

An intriguing, compelling, and thought provoking piece. I have to admit, I have a weakness for vampires, and I really enjoyed how you portrayed what most consider as a 'vampire's kiss'. I liked how you managed to weave a few layers into such a short, effective piece. Keep up the amazing work. Oh, and didn't I hear that you wrote a short story too? Why didn't I see that posted in your port? (Hint, hint, poke, poke.

)

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14 days may be credited.

#3618856

Review of I Believe

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

"Invalid Item"

For the premise of this group's activities, please see:

"Invalid Item"

Please keep in mind that my opinions, thoughts, and suggestions are meant to encourage and help. If you don't agree, that's just fine. Feel free to use or discard anything as you see fit. Above all, never stop sharing your love of the written word.

Hiya, jaya !

Why I Chose To Review This Item:

This is the second of three reviews you won in "Invalid Item"

. I'm so glad I've had this chance to tour through your port and read your work. I've been thoroughly enjoying myself!

My Thoughts

My first thought after finishing this poem was, "Oh, wow!" I'm not kidding either. This piece really struck a cord with me, and I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing it.

Belief is something that so few people think about in this day and age, and even when you question people about what they believe in, they often choose the materialist items that surround them to use as their response. Sometimes I wonder if they even think about what belief really means. To me, belief is a lot like faith. You don't necessarily have to be able to prove something or be able to see it to believe in it, and I find that to be a very powerful thing.

In this piece, you explore your beliefs regarding very deep issues like love, truth, and values. These kinds of things not only surround our daily life, but the way we view them dictates how we, as people, act and react to the people around us and the situations that life presents, both good and bad.

Conventions

As far as I can tell, this piece is written in free-style without any set syllable count or rhyme. I honestly think that is just awesome. I find free-style poetry often expresses the deep emotions better because it allows for the author to use their own voice, lending a very personal tone. The tone pulls the reader in because it allows them a chance at understanding someone other than themselves, and it also allows them to be able to relate to the piece on an emotional level.

Even without a set meter, I found the flow to be very good throughout this piece. The lines flowed very well from one to the next, and I just love how you used enjambment to enhance the flow, allowing the sentences to be punctuated in a way that did the work for me as I read through the first time. Also, the use of alliteration in the third stanza added a sense of unity to the attributes used as well as complementing the flow. Nice work!

I think the thing I liked the best about this piece was how you set it up. Each stanza explains a different thing you believe in and why, ending with your believe of God in the final, two line stanza. Placing the ending in two lines rather than four set it apart just enough to give it that extra potency and impact. Very well done.

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling

There was just a couple things that I wanted to mention.

I believe in values
the quintessence of all cultures
I wonder if a comma after 'values' would allow a bit of a pause before the reader moves on to the next sentence. If I was writing this out as a sentence, the comma would be appropriate there, and since the rest is punctuated in this way, I think it would be a great modification.

I also believe in myself
a soul, the replica of the One behind many
I think a comma after 'myself' would also be appropriate and aid in the flow of this section. See what you think.

My Favorite Part

I believe in values
the quintessence of all cultures
that warn me of cold contempt,
complacence and cowardliness.

This stanza wowed me as I read through, and really made me think about how these kinds of emotions and attitudes are something I run into everyday and can often times change my own mood after encountering them. Each one of them are destructive behaviors that each of us need to avoid copying when we encounter them. Thank you for making me realize that.

I, therefore, certainly believe in Him,
the eternal universal Soul.

This was a great final stanza to bring it all together. I love the way you phrased it here, allowing Him to be what He is to each and every person out there without referring to a specific religion.

In Conclusion

A thought provoking poem with a great flow. A thoroughly enjoyable read, for sure. I would not hesitate to recommend it to others.

Keep up the amazing work, my dear!!

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14 days may be credited.

#3618508

Review of The Friendship Bond

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hiya, jaya !

This is part of the package you won in "Invalid Item" . Thank you so much for your generous support!

My Personal Reaction

This is a heartwarming story about two women who found each other in a place neither one of them had ever been before. Their friendship blossomed and grew over the time they spent together, survived some trying situations, and continued to grow through each new experience. I found this sweet and endearing.

Strengths

The tone used to convey the story was light and friendly, setting the mood well for the meeting between Aileen and Poorvi. Though meeting each other was chance, the fact that they were to be living in the same apartment building seemed almost like fate. A nice touch to pull them even closer together.

The story moved along realistically with both of them doing different jobs for different kinds of companies, and though their interests varied, they grew closer together as they lived there. The conflict of the uprising was also realistic, and I was glad to see that Poorvi was allowed to go with Aileen when she left.

Both women came across as strong, independent individuals, and it seemed that they were even stronger together. Their speech was believable, allowing their dialog to flow naturally. Nicely done.

The ending was very sweet. It was a nice touch for Aileen's husband to be welcoming and supportive of their friendship.

A Few Things to Consider

You use a full space between paragraphs, but not between the paragraphs of dialog. Consider keeping it consistent so that the reader doesn't become confused. Each time a new speaker speaks, it is considered a new paragraph, so a line of spacing would be appropriate.

When Shiraz asked them if they would like to go out, I thought he was asking them out in the sense that they would all go out together, but then the guys left right away. Then, I found myself confused again when they were all of a sudden going out all together. Consider being more specific with their dialog to show that they will be meeting up again later so that the reader doesn't stop reading to figure it out.

I think you could make the ending even more satisfactory by the reader by placing these women in harm's way a bit more. For me, it seemed that the story flowed so seamlessly that there was very little conflict for them. The conflict of the uprising was well timed, but it seemed too easy for them to overcome it. I wonder if instead of hearing of the trouble on TV, maybe they could witness it themselves. It may make for a bit more drama for them to endure, thereby showing their characters to the reader even more. See what you think.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I noticed a few things as I went. I have noted them below for you to consider.

Having met at the Muscat International airport in Oman, Aileen and Poorvi, fell to easy camaraderie.
The comma after 'Poorvi' is not needed and seems to interrupt the flow of the sentence.

“Of course, back home I get criticized for that, but what the heck,...
This piece of dialogue is a continuation of Aileen's speech from the previous paragraph. Consider moving it up and placing it in the same paragraph so that the reader doesn't think you've switched speakers.

Poorvi couldn’t tell the difference, for Port Blair, was pretty modern in itself.
The comma before 'was' isn't needed.

They spotted two young men with placards flashing their names. When Poorvi and Aileen had walked up to them, they greeted them with...
In this section, the first sentence is active, allowing the reader to experience them seeing the guys, and then the second sentence is passive, telling the reader what happened. Consider rephrasing to allow the second sentence to be active as well. My suggestion would be to write the scene where they introduce themselves so that the reader can see it happen. This also allows you to insert a small description of them so that the reader can 'see' them.

The guard at the entrance, greeted them with a welcoming smile.
No comma here because it is just one independent clause.

A solid wall edged with date palms, ran around the compound.
Same thing here. No comma needed in this sentence.

“There are beaches, malls, masjids and museums, you can choose from.
No comma needed after 'museums'.

A waiter in Arabic clothes, showed them to a table for four, in an open restaurant.
No commas needed in this sentence.

Menu consisted of varieties from Kebabs, Rice to Pizza, Salads and juices.
Consider adding a 'The' before 'menu' to smooth out the sentence. Also, I don't think that the kebabs, rice, pizza, and salads need to be capitalized.

“Oh Poorvi, we’ve just begun and, already begin to end,” Aileen cried out heartbrokenly.
The punctuation in this is a bit off. Also, I'm not sure about the phrasing. I found myself a touch confused the first time I read it. Consider: "Oh, Poorvi! We've just begun, and already it is beginning to end." Aileen cried...

They asked her to be ready to leave Oman, in seventy two hours.
No comma here.

“Why don’t you come with me to Morocco Poorvi?
Consider a comma before 'Poorvi' because it is a direct address.

reflected, Poorvi.
No comma needed here.

“Welcome to Morocco. Poorvi,” said Aileen smiling,
The period before 'Poorvi' should be a comma.

On the next day, Poorvi talked to her parents over phone, assuring them of her safe exit from Muscat.
The wording seems a little forced here. Consider: The next day, Poorvi talked to her parents on the phone, assuring them of her safe exit from Muscat.

“Why don’t you and your husband come to Port Blair for honeymoon?
Consider adding 'your' before 'honeymoon' to smooth the flow.

Aileen thanked them, promising a visit in future.
Consider a 'the' before 'future'.

“Certainly, this is the kind of friendship, which crosses the borders of region and religion I admire, and would gladly be a part of it.
Consider rephrasing this just slightly with alternate punctuation to smooth the flow for the reader. For example: "Certainly. This is the kind of friendship which crosses the borders of region and religion. I admire, and would gladly be a part of it.

In Conclusion

An enjoyable story about a friendship that could have been missed out on if not for small coincidences that brought the two together. That's what I call fate.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish.

Happy Writing!

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14 days may be credited.

#3613213

Review of Son of the Moon

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hiya, Leila

!

I am happy to read and review "Son of the Moon"

as a part of your package from "Invalid Item"

.

My Personal Impression:

I enjoyed reading this story. My husband is native, and this sounded a lot like the tales his father and grandfather tell my children when we visit them.

Strengths

I really liked the narrative voice you used to tell this story. The sentences had a clipped feeling to them as though being spoken by a storyteller or elder to the younger people in the family. As I read through, I could almost hear the voice of the narrator as White Buffalo attempted to stop the prophecy from coming true. Nicely done.

The plot line worked well. The prophecy came true even though White Buffalo did his best to prevent it from happening, and the symbolism of eleven animals bestowing their gifts upon him rang true.

The story flowed well from beginning to end. The scene breaks you used worked well to change perspectives within the story, allowing the reader to see the story from each side.

The dialog between White Flower and her son felt natural and worked well within the context of the story. Nice job!

General Suggestions

There are a few areas that are quite passive in wording throughout this, and I think you could really increase the reader's reaction by making them a bit more active. One thing that causes a sentence to feel passive is the use of words like 'were' and 'was'. These words tend to allow us to tell the reader something is happening rather than showing them. For example:

Son of the Moon was playing in the water, laughing, running, taking in life every single allowed pleasure.
Instead of 'Son of the Moon was playing' you could write 'Son of the Moon played'. This small change in wording allows the reader to see it happen rather than just know that it is happening.

Their bodies cast shadows twice their heights when they were almost in position to attack.
The section 'when they were almost in position' comes across as passive. Consider rewording with a bit more active verbs to show it happening rather than almost happening. For example: Their bodies cast shadows twice their heights as they moved into position to attack.

If you are no longer restricted by a word count limit, I would suggest showing the fight where White Buffalo and his men take down White Sun in the end of section two. For me, it felt very rushed, and I would have liked to experience how White Sun managed to take down so many of White Buffalo's men. It must have been a very hard battle, and I think it would increase the effect on the reader if they got to experience it a little bit.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

Son of the Moon was playing in the water, laughing, running, taking in life every single allowed pleasure.
The wording in the second part of this sentence is just a bit off. Rather than 'taking in life every single allowed pleasure' I would suggest: 'taking in every single allowed pleasure'. Also, consider an 'and' before 'taking' to show that it is the ending item in the list.

"He does have that round mark in his back.
The word 'in' should be 'on' in this sentence. If the mark was 'in' his back, it would not be visible.

The man noticed something and went in their direction.
It took me a minute to get which man this was referring to because the narrative had just been talking about White Buffalo and his men. Consider being a bit more specific. For example: The man turned in their direction as White Buffalo watched on.

The woman and the child ran other way, three of his men should be enough to deal with them.
I got confused here for a moment as well. These sentences are two separate sentences and should be separated by a period or semicolon.

He and other seven warriors went to meet the man.
Consider adding the word 'the' before 'other seven warriors' to improve the flow of the sentence.

The shadow were growing even bigger; the man was one of them. White Buffalo noticed a movement with the corner of his eyes, and one warrior were down.
I found the wording here a bit awkward. The word 'shadow' in the first sentence should be plural. Also, the section 'and one warrior were down' is improper grammar because there is only one warrior so 'were' should be 'was'.

Singing like the birds he set up a trap. Now the man was surrounded, four against one.
Consider being more clear with these sentences. At first, I didn't understand that him singing like the birds was a call to the other warriors who created a trap with their own bodies. I thought he was making a trap with his hands, like something someone could step in and get caught in. Consider something like: White Buffalo used bird calls to bring his warriors into formation to surround and trap the man — four against one.

She and her son were not bad at combat, at least they surprised most, because nobody took them seriously. When they noticed their mistake, it was too late.
Consider combining these two sentences to create a smoother flow. When I first read the second sentence, I didn't understand who 'they' were, so I think combining the two would make it more obvious. For a quick example: She and her son surprised most people with their ability to fight because nobody took them seriously until it was too late.

She lost no time. He fell dead.
I think this should be 'She wasted no time'.

Eleven animals were under the full moon, when same stars of the day I came to be were lighting the sky.
The comma here in not necessary.

When she recovered her speech, she said: "Wait,...
Consider using a comma rather than a colon to keep it consistent with the rest of the dialog.

In Conclusion

On the whole, I really enjoyed reading this story. I think the plot line is strong, the characters came across as realistic, and the story elements flowed well. A little bit of work on sentence structure and wording would help to create a smoother flow while reading which would enhance the effect on the reader. If you decide to edit or revise this, please feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back to re-rate it accordingly.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish.

Happy Writing!

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14 days may be credited.

#3612601

Review of Hate

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hiya, Hello1 !

I am more than happy to review your work. Please, feel free to disagree with my comments and suggestions if you feel they are out of line. It doesn't hurt my feelings at all.

First of all, let me say...

HAPPY 2nd WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break"

My Personal Reaction

This was an interesting scene that showed well how hate can be created in us when we aren't even sure why we hate, based on events that we may never understand, but ingrained in us in a way that is almost impossible to overcome. I think too often in life we have negative emotions based on others' experiences and beliefs and we end up selling ourselves short because of it. This piece was a great way to demonstrate these facts. Nicely done.

I feel the strengths of this piece are...

The dark, angry tone in the first paragraph set the mood well for the progression of this piece as Carter thought about his hate for the Reinstein family. I felt a mixture of suspense and intrigue as I read along, wondering where his hate stemmed from and whether or not he would get his chance to complete his desired task of killing one of the family members. Good work.

I really liked how this piece showed Carter's thought process, allowing the reader to know that he didn't even really understand why he hated the Reinstein family, but that the hate suffused his being nonetheless. Very powerful emotional impact, for sure.

The dialog flowed well, and though there wasn't much of it, it was used to show the relationship between father and son well. Carter didn't believe in what his father did, but he didn't even think of standing against him. A very telling absence of reaction from a fifteen-year-old boy that shows me he most likely fears his father in some way.

While this piece was quite short, I found it very effective in producing a reaction from me and inspiring some deep thought on the issue of hate. Very nicely done.

Things I feel could be improved

When using a dialog tag (a sentence which tells 'how' something was said or by whom) before or after a piece of dialog, a comma should be used to separate it from the dialog rather than a period. Here is a quick example to show you what I mean:

"Hi." he said in a muffled voice.
In this sentence, the period after 'Hi' should be a comma to show that the tag is in regards to the dialog.

"You won't be able to kill a Reinstein if you go out on your own plans." His father said. "The spirits will tell us when to make the attack."
In this one, the first piece of dialog should end with a comma and the following 'his father said' doesn't need to be capitalized. The period after 'said' and the capitalization of the second sentence is appropriate.

The hate that was coming through him put a bad taste in his mouth.
The phrasing here, 'that was coming through him', is a bit vague. I think you could really up the level of intensity in this sentence by using more direct, active wording. Consider something like: Hate surged through his veins, encompassing his entire being and leaving a bad taste in his mouth. In my opinion, it is more direct and gives the reader a clearer idea of how it felt to him. See what you think.

He was able to quickly get the gun out of Lipson's eyesight.
Again, I think you could increase the effect this sentence has on the reader by being more specific. Show the reader what he does to get the gun out of sight. Does he shove it into the back of his pants, or just pull it behind his back?

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling

Maybe tonight, he could stop this whole thing.
The comma here is not needed and stunts the flow of the sentence a bit. Consider removing it to improve the flow.

"Hello Carter."
Consider a comma before 'Carter' because it is being used as a direct address.

for a 15 year old to be out.
Consider hyphenating '15-year-old'.

What never made sense, is that the whole issue was over something that happened to a Reinstein.
The word 'is' should be 'was' to maintain the past tense. Also, the comma is not needed here.

In Conclusion

I enjoyed reading this, and I'm glad I did. I found myself sitting and thinking about hate is created after reading this, and I just love anything that can make me think.

I think you could increase the effect with a bit of editing and more active wording, but all in all, I think you have done very well with this. Keep up the great work!

This review helps me recruit a creature to bring damage against the Green Witch!

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14 days may be credited.

#3605650

Review of Room 315

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hiya, Nasreen Chaudhary !

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break"

I am more than happy to review your work. Please, feel free to disagree with my comments and suggestions if you feel they are out of line. It doesn't hurt my feelings at all.

My Personal Reaction

A very clever story! I found your port when I was looking for members with anniversaries, and the description of this story caught my eye. When I saw how short it was, I just had to see how you could manage to even tell a story that fast, let alone throw in a twist of how the manager could be the only one who knew what happened in room 315. I have to say, you not only told the story effectively in very few words, you surprised me with the twist. Nice work!

I feel the strengths of this piece are...

The first sentence was shocking and initiated the dark tone well. It pulled me in immediately by interesting me in what was to come. Good work! You chose your words carefully throughout, and the use of active language and shorter sentences really enhanced the impact of the words as I progressed through the story by granting concrete images and emotions.

The character development of the character was extremely well done in this. I found small details such as how the tarp was 'perfectly' folded and his suit was 'neatly' folded both showed that he was a compulsive person, and the narrative gave away great details such as how he felt when he killed, how it made the anger go away. Both of these traits make the fact that he murdered a woman that much more believable and creepy.

Things I feel could be improved

To him it was orgasmic.
This sentence was one of the few that I found that I felt were a bit passive. I think this would be a lot more effective if it was provided as an internal thought directly from the character. All you need to do is place it in italics for it to be seen as an internal thought and change it up just a bit. For example: He licked his bottom lip. Orgasmic. See what you think.

that he had let folded perfectly in the corner...
I think 'let' was meant to be 'left'.

Once dressed in his dark navy suit he gazed at himself in the mirror.
Consider a comma after 'suit' to show the introductory phrase.

I have one quick question: if he is the only one that knows of his murders, does he take care of the blood that dripped through to the room beneath? I was left wondering about this, so I thought I would mention it.

In Conclusion

A very good short read with a nice twist on the end. Keep up the good work!

This review helps me recruit a creature to bring damage against the Green Witch!

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14 days may be credited.

#3598585

Review of Rainy Day

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"

You chose the Grey Short Story Prompt
Your item must be inspired by this image

"Invalid Item"

Hiya, Rev1780 !

Prompt Relevance

I can see that you definitely used the prompt picture as inspiration for this sweet story. Your word count came in at well under the limit as well.

My Thoughts

This was a nice little story about how a bad day can take a turn for the better and leave us feeling good about life.

The progression was smooth, and it left me feeling happy for the girl.

For me, this read more as a telling of something that happened, like an outline, rather than a complete story. While there is a beginning, middle, and end, it read like 'this happened, then that happened, and then this happened'. I think if you were to isolate one area of it and 'show' what happened, it would create a more vivid image for the reader and inspire a heightened emotional reaction. I know I would have loved to experience the auditions. When I was a kid, me and my friends would have been whispering as we watched the others, been scared when it was our turn, and then been very proud of ourselves for managing to go through the audition without falling flat on our faces.

Try to think about the small things that could go together to create the experience for the reader to fully experience and appreciate the message. I think the teacher's statement would have been quite funny!

Thank you for sharing your work and allowing for me to read and review it.

I think if you were to expand this out a bit, it would be quite a heart warming tale.

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#3598572

Review of After the Rain

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"

You chose the Grey Short Story Prompt
Your item must be inspired by this image

"Invalid Item"

Hiya, Soldier_Mike !

Prompt Relevance

You did a very nice job of showing how this image inspired you. A very nice story.

Your entry was well below the allowable word count, as well!

My Thoughts

This was a beautiful, emotional story. The gentle tone was set right from the beginning, allowing the reader to feel her emotions as the story unfolded. I really enjoyed the opening paragraph. I found that telling the reader what most people would see intrigued me because I knew it would be much deeper than what could be seen. The last sentence on that paragraph was perfect. It pulled me in hook, line, and sinker. Well done.

The narrative flowed effortlessly through her memory of her dad telling her about Mary Ann, and I had no trouble following as the story progressed. I found that her thoughts felt very natural, and I found I could feel her loss. The use of symbolism with the rain and then the double rainbow was wonderful. It left me with the sense that though she would grieve, she would be alright.

Suggestions

Anyone watching would only have seen a girl barely into her teens tiptoeing barefoot through the shallow pond...
I have two suggestions for this opening sentence to heighten the impact. First, consider removing 'only'. I stumbled over it and ended up having to read the sentence twice for some reason. Also, I think placing 'barely into her teens' could be surrounded by commas because it is an added element to the main sentence.

My only other suggestion is about Mattie playing with her favorite dolls. If she is 12 or 13, chances are that she has outgrown the doll phase. At least, in my house.

Something for you to consider, at any rate.

Overall

An excellent read. Thank you so much for entering and allowing me to read and review your work. Good luck!

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#3598557

Review of Diagnosis: Chronic Catharsis

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"

You chose the Violet Short Story Prompt
Your item must be inspired by this image

"Invalid Item"

Hiya, Rose Miavirre !

Prompt Relevance

Quite an original take on the prompt! Nice work.

Your entry was within the allowable word count, as well.

My Thoughts

What an interesting story! I would love to see what happens with Maria after this.

I'm just crazy that way. Once I get into a story, I never want it to end.

The tone in this piece reflected Maria's emotions well. I could sense her confusion and despair over always feeling everyone's emotions, and the fact that those emotions were negative didn't help any. I felt like I could feel the cacophony of emotions, and then when the man touched her, I felt calm overtake them all. Nicely done. I also liked how you used the darker image of the storm to complement the tone. It worked well to create an overall mood.

Your use of wording in the narrative was excellent to reflect her age. I was fairly certain of her age even before you stated it, and that shows me how well you managed to get inside her head and mimic the sentence structure common with children. I found that everything she noticed was what a child would notice, as well. Nice work!

The story flowed well from beginning to end, and the ending left me feeling good about Maria's future.

Suggestions

Usually she would not come out of the bedroom,
Consider a comma after 'Usually' because it is a disjunctive adverb.

Soon hateful energy pounded against her again...
Consider a comma after 'Soon' to show that it's an introductory word.

When she tried to explain it to her parents the best she could come up with was calling it an intense pressure...
Consider a comma after 'parents' because 'When she tried to explain it to her parents' in an introductory adverbial phrase.

Curiously, in the next house Maria felt a very strong presence...
Consider a comma after 'house' because 'in the next house' is an introductory phrase.

Surely psychopaths wear black, though. White was for good guys.
I think 'wear' should be 'wore' in order to maintain the tense.

Overall

An entertaining read! I found the story line very interesting. Thank you for entering and allowing me to read and review your work.

Good luck with the contest!

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#3597537

Review of A Beautiful Nightmare

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"

You chose the Red Short Story Prompt
Your item must include the following title

"A Beautiful Nightmare"

Hiya, Elise-Saiki-Vannessa-Scarlet !

Prompt Relevance

You used the title given, and your word count came in at just under the allowable limit. Great work!

You took it a step further and created a story that suited the title very well.

My Thoughts

I really enjoyed this story. I think you came up with an original story from this title, and I have to admit, I was left wanting to know more about these characters. To me, that's a very good sign.

You did a great job at making the characters feel real to me through the use of memories and realistic dialogue, as well as a believable conflict. The main character, Vannessa, was conflicted in more ways than one. She had a dark past lived in slavery, suffered the loss of her friends and family, and had fallen in love with someone who was more of a nightmare than a daydream. You portrayed Joshua in a romanticized light, allowing the reader to know from her thoughts what he had done and what he was capable of, but making the reader love him anyway because of the way that Vannessa was attached to him. Also, he showed true emotion when he looked at her, and for me, that gave me hope that perhaps he would not always be so lost to her.

The flow of the story was great from beginning to end. I had no trouble with the transition to the dream and back again, and I found the narrative active and compelling. Nice work.

Suggestions

The punctuation around the dialogue is just a bit off. Here is a great link

helped me out with this area quite a bit.

Her short scarlet red hair...
The words 'scarlet red' could be hyphenated to show they are one thought, like so: scarlet-red. Also, consider a comma after 'short' to show that 'short' and 'scarlet-red' are equal adjectives.

No matter how desolate the situation seemed right now, she knew that her friends back at the lighthouse were facing worse.
The use of 'right now' seems redundant to me since the reader already knows the time frame. Consider removing those two words to produce a more vivid sentence.

She was angry; angry at the guards, for turning Joshua crazy. Angry at herself for not stopping Joshua.
A semicolon should only be used to separate two independent clauses. Since the second part of the first sentence is not independent, consider a dash instead. Also, I think you could get a much smoother flow by combining the above sections a little differently. For example: She was angry--at the guards for turning Joshua crazy, and at herself for not stopping him. See what you think.

Ironically, they would get barely any of the plump vegetables and fruits they were harvesting now to stay alive.
The present tense in this part should be past in order to maintain the flow. For example: Ironically, they received barely any of the plump vegetables and fruits they harvested in order to live.

"I remember, when Allison stole one and we all shared it after dinner.
The comma after 'remember' isn't necessary. It seems to disrupt the flow of his speech.

The sheer calm and the peacefulness that she found when she was with him was the most magical and soothing.
The words 'the most' don't seem to fit with the rest of the sentence.

Remember not to edit before the judging is complete.

Overall

All in all, a very good read. The characterization was very well done, and the internal conflict that Vannessa suffered felt very real. I think a bit of editing would polish this story up nicely.

Good luck with the contest!

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#3597492

Review of Green Prompt

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"

You chose the Green Story Prompt
Your item must be inspired by this quote

"Though jealousy be produced by love, as ashes are by fire,
yet jealousy extinguishes love as ashes smother the flame."
+Margaret of Navarre+

Hiya, Pearl !

Prompt Relevance

I think you did a good job here showing how jealousy can push away those you love, and I think that theme fits the prompt well.

Your story came in under the word count limit as well.

My Thoughts

I really like the premise of this story, and I think it has tons of potential. You did a great job delving into these characters and making the reader feel as though they were real. I have personally been involved in situations much like this, and I feel that Kyle, especially, acted realistically for the angry, jealous boyfriend.

The story elements flowed pretty well from beginning to end, but I did wonder at the way that Anne was portrayed a little bit. I think because I didn't get a chance to get to know her personality, I wondered at her sincerity, especially with how fast she accepted that Craig was in love with her and that she loved him in return. I got the feeling that they had been best friends for years, actually, I think you stated that outright, but it didn't feel like it was explained well enough to seem realistic. I would have liked to view the world from Anne's perspective right from the beginning. The very first section with the couple kissing worked well to set the tense mood, but I don't think it was really necessary to the story. Instead, consider starting the scene in the club with Anne having fun, watching for Kyle. It would start it off on a light note, showing the reader that she was innocently having fun with her friend as she waited for her boyfriend. For me, it would also show that she was a bit more sincere when she was arguing with Kyle over her intentions.

The dialogue between her and Kyle was great. I have to say, when he slammed her by the throat, I gasped and started reading faster. It was a great climax for his anger. Nice work.

Suggestions

My first suggestion is to work on the formatting. I found the solid block of writing a little hard to read, especially on a computer screen. Online, it works much better if you place a line of white space in between each paragraph. Also, with dialogue, it is quite hard to keep track of who is talking when it's all bunched together. Consider using a new paragraph for each line of dialogue from another speaker, as well as their actions. For example, you wrote:

“Get out of here now Craig before you can’t walk out by yourself.” Kyle sneered vehemently. “You can’t talk to him like that! We’ve been best friends since grade school!" , screamed Anne. “I’m tired of you always being jealous when I’ve NEVER given you a reason to be!” “You’re dancing with another guy while waiting for me! You’re trying to drive me crazy!” shouted Kyle back at Anne.

My suggestion:

“Get out of here now Craig before you can’t walk out by yourself.” Kyle sneered vehemently.

“You can’t talk to him like that! We’ve been best friends since grade school!" , screamed Anne. “I’m tired of you always being jealous when I’ve NEVER given you a reason to be!”

“You’re dancing with another guy while waiting for me! You’re trying to drive me crazy!” shouted Kyle back at Anne.

It is much easier to see who is talking and follow the conversation.

The punctuation around the dialogue is just a bit off. When you use a dialogue tag such as 'she said, he screamed' etc. a comma should end the dialogue, rather than a period. The dialogue tag should then be in lower case. Here is a great link

that helped me out in this area.

Consider reading through to fish out areas of tense confusion. I found several spots that were in past tense rather than the present tense that the story starts out in. If you would like examples of this, just let me know.

Overall

All in all, I think you did a great job thinking of a story to show the message of the prompt, and I think it has a lot of potential to be a tense, emotional read. A bit of work with editing and formatting will help make this story shine.

Thank you for entering and allowing me to read your work. Good luck with the contest!

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#3597316

Review of Day in the Park

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"

You chose the Grey Poetry Prompt
Your item must include the following words in bold

Balloons・Truth・Fortune・Politics・Laughter

Hiya, Cait !

Prompt Relevance

You managed to include the 5 necessary words in a way that felt smooth and natural. Nicely done!

You did not include the line count in your item, though, and as far as I could tell, the syllable count was not consistent at 11 syllables per line as required in the rules of the contest.

My Thoughts

This was a cute little piece. I enjoyed the images you created for me by describing who was at the park and what they were doing. I was impressed with how you managed to get the word 'politics' in there without damaging the gentle tone. Well done.

I really liked how you showed different kinds of people from different walks of life. It allowed for me to see the scene at the park in detail, and I enjoyed watching them all do their own thing while still being a part of the whole.

The rhyme scheme you used with the first and third line of each stanza rhyming worked well to grant rhythm for the piece.

Suggestions

For me, the flow was a bit off as I read it out loud, and I think it was because of the large differences in syllable count with the lines. I think if you could get them to be fairly close in count to each other, you could promote a much smoother flow.

And, asocial thinkers seek truth at times inopportune
I don't think you need the comma after 'And'. It seemed to cause me to stumble on the line. Also, I think a period at the end is needed in order to maintain consistency with the other stanzas.

Overall

All in all, this was a delightful look at the people at the park. I think a bit of work on word flow would enhance it well and grant a smoother read. Keep up the good work!

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#3596862

Review of Minute Acrostic

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hiya, iluvhorses !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

My Personal Impression

What a sweet little acrostic! I mean that in the best way possible. Just the visual representation of it is 'little' and then you implement short, declarative lines that merge well into one thought to produce a great flow. Great work! It all works together to create an awesome effect.

Tone & Mood

The tone was soft and nostalgic. I could sense a desire to revisit the past through memories, and a sense of thankfulness for all the experiences that go together to create our lives. I'm really impressed at how well you set the mood with so few words.

Emotional Impact

There is an awesome theme through this piece. I love how you refer to past memories as 'miniature moments'. It was a thought provoking way to look at it for me. It made me really think about how the little moments in time, the ones that so many overlook, are the very ones that go together to take us down the road of life, whether we realize it or not.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow

I didn't notice a rhyming sequence in this, but it sure didn't need it in order to be smooth and vivid. I just love acrostics that flow as one whole thought rather than a series of disconnected statements. The use of alliteration worked really well to enhance the rhythm as I read out loud, as well as to draw attention to the meaning of those words. Very well done. My favorite spot was:

T imeless tableau of
E motional endearments

I like this part the best because it shows the reader just how the narrator feels about the memories, the 'miniature moments', and it leaves the reader feeling content. Good work!

Suggestions

I have no suggestions for this piece.

In Conclusion

An awesome acrostic using the word minute with a great message. I look forward to reading your work again soon.

Happy Writing!

~AJ

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#3596791

Review of Dalinda Pink, Angel Fae

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hiya, Carol St.Ann 👓 !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

My Personal Impression

What a beautiful piece! The image at the top didn't come up for me (my computer has been fighting with me all day

), but I really don't think I need to see it in order to see this gorgeous, angelic fairy. From the wording in this, I got the impression that she is both a fairy and an angel, and I think that's just an awesome combination. What could be more magical? Nice work.

Conventions

The tone you used in this was light, fun, and expressive. I found myself uplifted as I was reading, feeling so full of wonderment and love as the narrator experienced this wonderful being.

The rhythm was flawless, and I have to tell you, this piece sounded so wonderful when I read it out loud. I don't know the name of the form you used, but the rhyme sequence was both intriguing and fluid. I loved how the first two lines rhymed, followed by the third and sixth, and then the fourth and fifth. I found it gave a sense of unity to each stanza, allowing each one to feel complete in their own way while still contributing to the whole.

The use of punctuation in this heightened the flow by allowing me to see the pauses as I read. I didn't stumble once. The words flowed effortlessly.

One thing I really liked was the use of archaic type language. I think it added a real sense of romanticism to the piece by setting it in a time where anything seemed possible.

My Favorite Part

I'd love to just say the whole thing, but I did find one area I just loved.

Your Ladyship,
I've lost my grip.
A mirage is what you are.
You can't be real!
And, yet, I feel
You've loved me from afar.

This part was my favorite because of the emotion I could feel coming from it. I could sense his wonderment at seeing her, the sense that she couldn't be real even though he could feel that she'd always been there. Wonderful!

Suggestions

I have no suggestions for you, my dear. This is an amazing read.

In Conclusion

An beautiful, emotional piece of work. One of these days, I am going to have to figure out how you manage to create such flawless poetry.

Happy Writing!

~AJ

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#3596639

Review of Party With Alice

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"

You chose the Blue Poetry Prompt
Your item must be inspired by this image

"Invalid Item"

Hiya, Soldier_Mike !

Prompt Relevance

You maintained the 11 syllables per line and brought the poem in at 24 lines which is well within the limit of 30 lines. Good work!

I do kind of wonder at the title of the piece, though, since the content doesn't seem to reflect a party with Alice, but more the meeting with Alice. After the judging is complete, you may consider changing it to better reflect the poem's content. Just a thought for you to ponder.

My Thoughts

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I love how you used dialogue in poetry format to tell the story of the hare meeting Alice. Your word choices were fresh and fun, and I found the situations presented in a vivid fashion through dialogue. Nicely done. The tone was light-hearted and casual, allowing the reader to read through with ease.

The use of the consistent syllable count worked well to produce an even rhythm, and I loved your rhyming sequence. I think you did a wonderful job of choosing words that felt natural and flowed well with the meaning of the poem. Also, the type of language you used supported the situation and the characters, reminding me of several different forms of the Alice in Wonderland story. Good work.

I was impressed with the use of proper punctuation in this. It increased the flow and allowed for me to read it out loud without effort.

Suggestions

I don't think I have any suggestions other than to work on the title after the judging is finished so that it better reflects the story told.

Overall

A fun, energetic, well-written entry. I had a great time reading through it. Good luck with the contest!

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#3596623

Review of The Angel is Here

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hiya, LeBuert ! I am here as one of the judges for "WDC Birthday Special - TLC" . Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work!

Prompt Relevance

The prompt for this category was an image of the angel of death, and I think you did an excellent job at using the image as a source of inspiration for this poem. You also had to have 11 syllables per line, and again, you did very well maintaining the proper syllable count. Nicely done.

My Thoughts

The tone set in this piece was casual and dark, lending an ominous mood to the poem as a I read through it. The use of wording in the first stanza worked very well to show the reader exactly what the poem would be about by introducing the Angel of Death. I loved that you made the angel a woman. I can't say that I have seen that very often, and I really enjoyed the concept.

Your use of exact syllables as well as rhyming couplets worked nicely to create a smooth, even cadence as I read through. I especially enjoyed the sound as I read it out loud. I could feel the beat very well.

The progression was smooth from beginning to end, beginning with the declaration of what was to come, and producing a story for the reader to understand why the Angel of Death was coming, as well as lending a bit of a celebratory mood as the narrator divulges how the person in question had wasted his life and would pay the price for his misdeeds. It allowed for me to feel as though it was a necessary death. Nicely done.

Suggestions

Since you use correct punctuation through this, I do have a small suggestion.

Nobody will cry for you, you had no heart.
While there's nothing wrong with this, I feel as though something a little stronger than a comma would definitely give this sentence a bit more impact. I wonder if a dash would work to do that. See what you think.

My only other comment isn't quite a suggestion, but more of an observation. The last line of this piece confused me just slightly because the poem spoke of how the Angel of Death had arrived for 'him' and then the last line is a warning. Perhaps it was a general warning for others? I'm not sure. If it was meant for the 'he' who was the subject of her arrival, then it is a bit confusing. However, if you meant it as a general warning for others not to fall into the same trap, I wonder if placing 'you' in italics would allow the reader to come to that conclusion a little easier.

Overall

All in all, an excellent read. The dark mood worked very well to transport me into the frame of mind to witness the Angel of Death coming for the man who had done wrong, and it left me feeling as though justice had been served. Great work. Good luck with the contest!

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#3595159

Review of Beest

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hiya, debbie !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. This is part of the package you won in Sherri's Auction!

My Personal Impression

I loved reading this story. I laughed, I cringed, I read eagerly throughout, and at the end, you delivered a great message without having to say a word. Excellent work.

Strengths

The narrative tone in this piece was casual and honest, and I think it worked very well to give the reader a sense of what Maggie's personality was like right from the beginning. It suited her character as it developed, becoming her 'voice' quite effortlessly on the reader's part. Well done. I also think you did a great job at phrasing the sentences in a way that seemed natural to be coming from her mind, and it gave great insight to her thoughts because it allowed a look at the 'real her'. Her character was revealed little by little as the piece progressed, the narrative flowing as easily as her thoughts from a first person perspective. I loved how her thoughts flowed naturally, stray thoughts jumping in and seeming completely disjointed only to have them make complete sense only a sentence later. Nice work. It made for an intriguing read. Her actions spoke louder than words a few times, and I loved how you allowed for the subtext in her actions and dialogue to tell the reader the things she couldn't.

The flow of the story was great from beginning to end. I found the scene transitions very smooth, and while there wasn't a whole lot of extra description of her surroundings, the descriptions of the people and her accompanying thoughts worked perfectly to give the reader the full picture. I had no difficulty imagining any of the scenes.

The theme in this story becomes clear at the very end, and I have to say, I loved it. You 'showed' how unwilling Maggie was to change her mind about anything throughout the story, how fast she was to walk away from something if it didn't fit her idea of what it should have been. The fact that she called Michael at the end was great because it showed that she finally found the courage and will to make a change for the better. It doesn't even matter to me if they get together or not because that wasn't the point. The point was for her to learn a lesson about herself, and she did.

My Favorite Parts

The characterization in this piece was my favorite part. It has been a long time since I could sense a character as well as I did Maggie. Following are two of my favorite parts because of that fact.

Then Michael Brown turns to me and asks me for my phone number.
I know this may seem like a strange favorite part, but I love it because it gave me a shock of nerves as soon as I read it. It was at the end of a very 'ordinary' part, just when I was wondering what the heck he wanted, and because of the excellent characterization of the main character, I felt her reaction. Great stuff!

I am still rolling down the highway in a crummy old truck, thigh to thigh with Michael Brown, with a box of condoms rattling around on the floorboards near my feet.
Oh my goodness! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Perfectly timed!

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

The following suggestions are all what I call 'fine-tuning' suggestions regarding comma usage, etc. I hope you find them helpful. The main thing I noticed was that you don't use a comma before a coordinating conjunction that is joining two independent clauses. If you are interested, this link

explains it in a way that made the difference for me.

Please click here for suggestions in this area ▼

In Conclusion

All in all, a fun, entertaining, and meaningful read. I really enjoyed it, and I am sure you will do well with the contest.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish.

Happy Writing!

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#3589019

Review of Love's Touch

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hiya, Carol St.Ann 👓 !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

Also, I wanted to wish you a...

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break"

My Personal Impression

This was a wonderful bitter sweet tale of lost love, Carol. The emotions come through so clearly from the word choices, allowing the reader to 'feel' first the contentment of 'sleeping in the arms of the smile that I hold', then the bitter disappointment of the line, 'Enter the kitchen where reality, so cold' as the character realizes that dreams fade leaving them to once again pick up the pieces and move forward. Excellent.

Love is such a hard thing to lose, especially when the circumstances are not something we can do anything about. It makes us feel hopeless and lost, and I think you showed that in this piece as well, but the thing I like the best is that you bring it back around, showing that even though the pain doesn't go away, it is possible to continue on. A strong message!

Poetic Conventions

The first thing I noticed in this piece was the effective use of tone and mood to bring the reader in on an emotional level. By using figurative language, you gave the reader the tools to associate the emotions to everyday things, and I think that was just brilliant. The first line was especially effective in this regard. I could only imagine what being wrapped up in a smile would feel like... I would imagine a sense of completeness and contentment, and that brings the reader on to the feeling the loss of the third and fourth lines.

The line, 'A walk in the morn, donning your coat and your glove' is another place where I could really associate with the concept, of how doing this would make her feel closer to him in some way. It made me think of scent and how strong it can be when associated with memories. Nicely done.

The use of rhyme in this piece was wonderful. I'm not completely sure on the correct terminology for it, but each stanza rhymed within itself, granting each one a sense of unity unto itself, being apart from the rest just enough to create a smooth progression from emotion to emotion.

The meter was beautiful. I noticed that the first two lines were a slightly different syllable count than the rest, but I think that actually increased their effectiveness. When I read this out loud, it flowed without effort off of my tongue, and I found it very appealing to the senses.

In Conclusion

An exceptional, emotional poem. I am sure that each and every person who reads it will feel it in their own way, but the point is that they will definitely feel it. Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful talent with me. I am very thankful for the time of reflection that this piece has brought me today.

Happy Writing!

~AJ

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#3586478

Review of AT THE TOP

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hiya, Itchy Water~fictionandverse !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

My Personal Impression

Ah, a very deep poem. I love pieces like this because depending on what's happening in the life of the reader at the time, it can mean different things to different people, and yet another thing entirely to the author. I think poetry that can be seen in so many different lights is superb because it allows us all to be who we are and see what we need to see. Kind of cryptic, I guess. I hope you know what I mean.

Tone & Mood

I found the tone to be soft but determined. It was easy to see that the narrator was trying to make the reader see how reaching the 'top' is not always what it seems it will be, but I also detected a hint of being fed up, like the narrator was shaking his/her head at the stupidity of man for not being able to see it. It worked well to make the reader really think about the content, to take it past just the words and associate it to their own life.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow

I'm no expert, but I didn't detect a specific form as I read through this piece, and I didn't note any rhyming sequence. I don't think it needed such strict conventions in order to be effective, and if anything, I found it more effective because the form matched the tone and mood by showing the human 'non-perfected' element.

I did notice a few things that stood out to me which I think enhanced the flow. First, I noticed the repetition of the statement that man doesn't understand. I really liked how it evolved each time, changing just slightly to flow with the content. I also noticed a fairly consistent syllable count, and I think it allowed for it to be a bit smoother when read out loud. Normally, I suggest punctuation, but with the way the lines are set up in this piece, I didn't struggle at all to see where the needed pauses should be.

Suggestions

Honestly, I really like this piece the way it is. If it was perfectly counted and rhymed, I think it would lose the effect of speaking to the reader on a personal level.

In Conclusion

A thought provoking poem with a great message and a smooth flow. Keep up the good work!

Happy Writing!

~AJ

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#3585409

Review of Ruby and the Lizard men

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hiya, cside123 !

I am reviewing your story, {item:} as a fellow competitor in the "Invalid Item" . I hope you find my comments encouraging and helpful. If you disagree with me, no worries!

My Personal Impression

Did you follow the contest rules?

Does the scene show all 25 elements?

To be honest, I couldn't find very many of the aspects in this piece. My suggestion is to go over the list of 25 necessary elements and work on including them. I noticed that her shirt was wet, but the reader doesn't find out why, the lizard man wearing a mask was missing, as was the line at security, and the lizard men themselves.

Does the scene use all five senses?

I noticed only the senses of touch, sight, and hearing used in this. Consider adding taste and smell.

Does the author use third person limited point of view?

For the most part, the point of view remains consistent. I found some discrepancy in tense, but only a few times as noted below.

Does the word count fit the allowable 1,500 words?

There was no word count on the item, but my word program showed it to be approximately 500 words. That leaves quite a large margin of room for the additional needed elements to be used.

Dialogue & Character Development

The only dialogue in this is internal thoughts and a few statements from Ruby as she struggles against the cold. Both types of dialogue work well to show Ruby's emotion and state of mind as she wonders what will happen to her. Nicely done.

Setting & Staging

The setting is in a cold, dark chamber of some sort. I found the area described well to give the reader a sense of her hopeless predicament, and the scene flowed well. I am not sure that it will fit into the necessary requirements for the contest, however, since there is only one scene in the room where she is locked up.

Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling, etc.

She laughs, "Why do I always laugh when I'm nervous?"
Since the laughing isn't technically a dialogue tag, consider using a period instead of a comma directly after it.

why there might be cameras lookin at her right now!"
The quote marks at the end of this are not necessary. Also, you could consider using internal dialogue in this area with the use of first person and italics to increase the effect on the reader. See what you think.

"Maybe those reptile men don't feel the cold" she thought.
Just missing the end punctuation before the quotations. Also, the words 'she thought' are past tense, and since this is written in present tense, they cause tense confusion.

She had to keep moving, Ruby remembered her brother telling her that...
Consider a period in place of the comma to show that these are two separate independent sentences.

Hey, they did it in jail cells and on the bathroom stall walls,
I think you could say 'stalls' rather than 'stall walls'.

There were no windows, no lights that she could see, in the room and yet,
I think the comma before 'no lights' could be removed to smooth the flow.

Were the walls themselves emitting light? or was it the frost?
The punctuation here is just a bit off. Consider: Were the walls themselves emitting light, or was it the frost?

"Interesting, they're giving me a choice," she smiled, "I can have light, or I can be warm."
First off, the 'she smiled' is an action, so it should be a separate sentence by changing the comma after 'choice' to a period, capitalizing the 'She' and using a period after 'smiled'. I am confused, though, over where the choice came from? Why did she think they were giving her a choice?

At lease she had air,
The word 'lease' should be 'least'.

"All I wanted was a job! A blinking job! Somewhere to go during the day, to help her meet new people and get over that cheating boyfriend, to give her a paycheck, and mostly to let her feel useful again."
The point of view changes within this thought from first person to third.

In Conclusion

All in all, I think you did a good job on showing Ruby's character, but I think some time needs to be spent on the main bulk of the story elements being used. If you decide to edit this before the due date, let me know, and I would be glad to come back for another read and review.

Happy Writing!

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#3585294

Review of Ruby Shows

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hiya, SeverinR !

I am reviewing your story, "Ruby Shows" as a fellow competitor in the "Invalid Item" . I hope you find my comments encouraging and helpful. If you disagree with me, no worries!

My Personal Impression

I think you've done a good job of creating an original scene with the list of necessary events that we were given for this contest. I especially loved the ending. The use of the 's' sound on the words really added another level of mystery and suspense, and it was a great way to show that the lizard-man wasn't actually a figment of her imagination. Nicely done.

Rules & Regulations

I have used the Judging and Reviewing Criteria to comment on this area. I figured that we have to make sure we have followed all the rules!

Does the scene show all 25 elements?

I believe it does. The only thing I wonder about is that there is a mention of an elder lady that isn't in the contest scenario. I'm not sure if they will consider as though that is adding a character or not. One other character I noticed was the receptionist she spoke to. As far as I can see, she was not included as one of the available characters. Think about it and see what you think.

Does the scene use all five senses?

I noticed sight, hearing, and touch, but I didn't notice anything for taste or smell.

Is the word count within the limit of 1,500 words?

Your item states that it is 1500 words, but my program said 1,386. If mine is right, you still have some words you can play around with if you want to.

Did the author use third person limited point of view?

Yes, you did a nice job of keeping the perspective in that of Ruby without any interference from other characters or author intrusion.

Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation

As I read through, I noticed some areas you may want to look at.

Ruby puts down the want ads glancing at the clock in the street sign, she curses under her breath.
The first sentence of a story is very important in pulling the reader in. That said, I think this sentence could be tweaked a little bit to increase the flow. Consider breaking it up into two sentences. For example: Ruby puts down the want ads and glances at the clock on the street sign. She curses under her breath.

“Can’t trust the buses.” She grumbles to the disinterested cabbie.
When a dialogue tag is used following speech, a comma is needed rather than a period. For example: "Can't trust the buses," she grumbles to the... There are several areas in this where the comma is needed rather than a period in this situation.

“Where to?” He asks impatiently tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.
Two quick suggestions here. Consider using lower case for 'he asks' since it's a dialogue tag. Also, a comma after 'asks' will show that he is impatiently tapping his fingers, rather than impatiently asking.

“I need to go to the Homeland security building on main”
Just missing the end punctuation on this sentence.

“Looking down at her shirt, with coffee stains on it. She curses softly thinking of the careless jerk that bumped into her earlier at the diner where she had lunch.
The opening quote mark here isn't needed. Also, consider placing the second sentence in with the first for a smoother flow. For example: Looking down at her shirt with coffee stains on it, she curses softly, thinking of the careless jerk...

Consider placing internal thoughts in italics by placing {i} before the thoughts and {/i} after the thoughts to show that they are not regular narrative.

The blast of a horn from behind prompts the cabbie uses the traditional sign of caring in big city traffic.
Read this sentence out loud and see if you can smooth it out a bit. As it is, I don't quite understand what you are saying. I think he's fingering the one who blew the horn, but I'm not sure.

Handing the money to the cabbie through the window, she looks up; her eyes wide and her mouth open slightly.
The semicolon here isn't quite proper. A semicolon should only be used to separate two clauses that can stand alone. I don't think 'her eyes wide and her mouth open slightly' can stand alone. Consider a comma instead.

Behind the metal counter sits a balding plump gentleman...
Because 'plump' and 'balding' are both adjectives to describe the man, consider a comma between them.

Grabbing her purse and as it emerges from the bowels of the machine. She rushes after the suits that pushed past her as they wait at the elevator.
Consider a comma instead of a period to fuse the two sentences for a smoother flow.

Not human, more lizard like. She decides stepping aside as the elevator opens.
The sentence structure here is a bit off. Consider: Not human, more lizard like, she decides, stepping aside as the elevator opens.

“Maam, you can go on in.
I think 'Maam' should be 'Ma'am'.

She turns towards the door, her purse drops to the floor as she lunges for the door handle, grabbing the knob it doesn’t turn.
Consider placing 'It doesn't turn' in its own sentence to increase the dramatic effect.

Suggestions to improve 'show'

She is lost in thought while the cabbie drives until the cab screeches to a halt in front of a building.
For me, this is a lot like saying she was here and then she was there. Consider rewording to create a smoother flow, and maybe including some of her thoughts as they drive. Perhaps something like: Lost in thought along the drive, she yelps as the cabbie screeches to a halt.

The seemingly endless glass wall towers above her.
This is a great spot to allow the reader to see the tower, however, the use of 'seemingly' casts the shadow of 'tell' because it is a 'maybe' kind of word. Consider removing the word for a clearer image.

Slowly the restless sheep are herded through the machine, as their purses and bags disappear into the dark void of the machine.
Ooooh! Another great spot of showing. In order to increase the effectiveness, consider a comma after 'slowly'. Also, the use of 'machine' twice is repetitive, so maybe cancel one or the other out. For a quick example: The restless sheep are herded through the metal detector as their purses and bags disappear into its dark depths.

Shifting her position, as a gray haired woman in a bright dress leans over to talk to the guard.
Consider rephrasing this a bit so it is clear who shifts. For example: Shifting her position, she watches as a...

“What was that?” She yells at the security guard, realizing she just asked a question, “Never mind.”
The 'she yells' should be in lower case. Also, I think 'realizing' should be the beginning of a new sentence. One last thing, consider adding, 'she adds,' before "Never min."

None of them seem to notice her, or her question.
I wonder how she knows that they don't seem to notice her or her question. This is a great spot to 'show' the reader their disinterest. Do they fail to acknowledge her, or maybe one turns and rolls his eyes, then turns away as though he doesn't care.

as she sees a snout or some kind of reptile’s nose behind the mask.
Showing needs to be decisive, so the use of 'some kind of reptile's nose' creates the act of 'telling'. Consider adding a description of color or shape.

Dialogue & Characterization

The dialogue in this flowed well and seemed natural for the characters speaking. Ruby's internal dialogue worked well to allow the reader a look at her personality, and it enhanced her reactions such as worry, irritation, and fear. Nicely done. I do suggest you use italics for her internal thoughts in order to reduce the chance of the reader becoming confused that it is narration, but that is minor.

As far as physical characterization, I didn't feel as though I could see Ruby very well. There was information regarding her clothes, but I wonder about her appearance? Did she oversleep and appear rough around the edges in terms of make-up and hair, etc. or did she manage to get herself looking 100%?(minus the coffee spill, of course!)

Setting & Staging

I was impressed in this area. I could easily follow along as the story progressed, and the areas she went through were described just enough to show me them without taking over the narrative. You may consider using a bit more 'scenery' of the interior of the building while she is waiting, but again, that is just a minor thought for you to ponder.

In Conclusion

A good story, for sure. A little work on editing for punctuation and grammar, as well as a bit of sentence structure would definitely increase the smooth flow of the read. If you decide to edit before the deadline of September 19th, feel free to let me know, and I will swing back around to re-rate the piece accordingly.

Happy Writing!

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#3582117

Review of Devotion

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hiya, Mara ♣ McBain !

I am more than happy to read and review your writing. Please keep in mind that my suggestions are my own opinion, and if you don't agree, no worries!

My Thoughts

What a gorgeous, loving scene. Wow. You did such a good job at filling this piece with warm emotions and sensual wording. I know it's different for you to write like this, but darn are you ever good at it!

The scene moved from beginning to end in a very smooth manner. The pacing was just right to show the couple's feelings for one another both before and during their encounter. The wording supported the content and increased the effect of their coupling by involving soft emotions, granting the reader a sense of true love. So sweet!

The dialogue worked well to move the scene along, as well as show the personalities of both characters. They were young, but much more sophisticated in their love making than most young people, especially Shane. He was the kind of guy most young women long for.

Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling, etc.

Freeing his hand he jumped easily onto the deck...
Consider a comma after 'hand' to show the introductory phrase.

A large vase of emerald and white carnations graced the recessed headboard and petals were strewn over the round beds down coverlet.
Consider a comma before 'and petals' because the conjunction is combining two independent clauses. Also, I think 'beds' should be 'bed's' because it is possessive of the down coverlet.

She has made him wait long enough.
I think 'has' should be 'had' to maintain tense.

In Conclusion

Very nice work with this story. You delved into an area that you rarely make the focal point of your erotica, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Good luck with the contest this week!

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#3581966

Review of Curse of the Setting Moon

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hiya,

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

My Personal Impression

I am not in the least surprised that you took first place with this piece. It's a fantastic read from beginning to end. In fact, if you didn't get it awarded, I had already planned to make sure it got a beautiful ribbon. I have read it through several times, but each time, ended up with not enough time to review it. I am thrilled to finally get the time to do so today. I just can't get over how wonderful it is. Excellent work, my dear! Now, I get to tell you why I loved it so much!

Poetic Conventions

This piece is just ripe with poetic conventions such as assonance, alliteration, and figurative language, and I just love how all of these things go together to create a balance of sound, visual stimulation, and emotional impact. This piece focuses on a transformation, and while I have often seen author's express the downside of being a werewolf, you have taken it in the opposite direction, showing how much better the animal form is. Wonderful!

The rhyming scheme in this was spot on. Your word choices flowed beautifully for both content, reaction, and auditory perception. Another thing I noted was that you managed to create a completely perfect meter of 8 syllables per line. How did you manage to fit all of that in to this? I have no clue, honestly, but I absolutely loved reaping the benefits of it.

Favorite Parts

This is a hard part for me to fill in for this piece because I would love to just copy and paste the entire piece. However, I did manage to pick out a few spots I thought were especially effective.

In full moon's glow, I'm blessed to know
True pleasure at nature's own hand.
It grieves me so to have to go,
For, on two legs, I'm cursed to stand.

I love the internal rhyme you used in this section. The rhyming of 'glow' and 'know', and then on to 'so' and 'go' really made this section pop out and take hold of me as I read.

Oh, woeful morn, I do so scorn
Your seemingly glorious wake.
To some the rose, to me the thorn,
As once more, hid'ous form I take.

Another great showing of internal rhyme in this stanza, but even more than that, what caught me was the third line. What a creative way to show the differences that are felt between the two forms.

Suggestions

When echoed call of lonely howl
Replaces the longcase's chime
Enchanted hooting of the owl,
Cues emancipated time.
Since you used proper punctuation through this, I thought I would mention this. The first two lines are an adverbial introductory phrase, so I think a comma after 'chime' would be appropriate.

In Conclusion

An excellent read, for sure. Not only did I love the content of this piece, but the way you brought it to life with creative wording, immaculate rhythm and rhyme, as well as several poetic conventions created a piece that pleased each of the five senses and took me to a whole knew world. Thank you!

Happy Writing!

~AJ

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#3581898

Review of Companionship

Review by ~A.J. Lyle~

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hiya, Untucoi !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready!

My Personal Impression

This was a fun read, and I enjoyed it very much. The characters came through well, and I found that I liked them both right away. To be honest, humorous fantasy is one of my favorite things to settle down with at the end of a long day, and you did a great job with it. Humor is a hard thing to incorporate while still developing a believable fantasy world around the characters, and I think you have managed to do just that.

Strengths

I enjoyed the banter between Thanor and Raneor. It allowed for a light-hearted, casual tone to show the characters in a personal light. Nicely done. Also, the introductory paragraph was interesting, and the mention of Raneor's power made me want to know more about it. The dialogue also served its purpose well by revealing the personalities of both characters and making them likable to the reader. I also liked that you used actions around the dialogue instead of just using all dialogue tags. It helps the visual and creates the scene in the reader's mind.

Excellent use of figurative language in this to 'show' the reader. Likening Thanor's color to that of a bejeweled trinket was my favorite one, I think. Very clever.

The scene progressed well from beginning to end. The pacing was right on, allowing for the reader to enjoy the dialogue between the characters even as they were attacked by the monster.

I liked how you ended this with a note of humor. It brought the piece to a close well and left a smile on my face. Nice work.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.
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In Conclusion

All in all, a very enjoyable read. A bit of work on punctuation and sentence structure here and there, and it will be a first class fantasy short.

I do have to tell you though, that these characters definitely have enough spunk to create a much longer work with them at the helm.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish.

Happy Writing!

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