Hi Winchester. Nixie here again, fulfilling your request to read over the changes you made. I was so happy to give you a higher rating! Great edits.
Ah, and this time you included what the proper response was supposed to be. *chekcg*
And you added so many details—I especially liked the way the hypodermic felt in his hand. I wasn't so sure about 'greasy' (was his hair slicked back?) Slippery would be enough. Or, you have the option of him sweeping back his slicked hair, if you want that description to stay.
Not'Natasha became more real with the adjustments you made. And the ending was just precious, left with her wondering if she'd missed a chance at dating a great guy. (I'm thinking she was lucky to escape.) Who knows what Martin's mission was? It sounded nefarious, at the least.
I wanted it to be perfectly clear who boarded the bus. It was the one he was flirting with, right? So he still has a shot with the woman he was supposed to meet.
Sorry I'm skipping around a bit.
I forgot to tell you last time how I laughed over him talking out the side of this mouth. Someone didn't train this spy very well. And as the mission nose-dived, he became bolder and bolder. The escalation was a good way to show his emotions.
Bang-up job editing the dialogue. The scene comes alive now.
A few bumps
amused giggle
Since giggles are considered amusing, I don't think you need [amused]. Remember, more equals less. The reader fills in the blanks.
Down with [was]!
You're still stuck on those passive sentences. Here's an example of rewrite, using only your words. I'll demonstrate the easy way, the best would be to show her fun, maybe using facial expressions, or tossing her hair over her shoulder. That's a sure sign that a woman is interested.
“Yes it izz,” the girl enunciated her words carefully, matching his accent. [She was having fun.]![Down *Down*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/down.png)
“Yes it izz,” the girl enunciated her words carefully, matching his accent and enjoying herself.
One way I check for an overabundance is to copy my work over to a word program and search for that sneaky [was]. It's a sure sign a rewrite is required. Or, when you do a w/c here, check how many three and four letter words you have. I've never tried that, though.
I'm seriously trying to wrap this up.
BTW: I'm not sure the [izz] was enough to demonstrate his accent. Are you dead set on keeping that part of the story? Did it influence the plot? If you want to show him as a foreigner (if that's germane to the plot) can you find another way?
Okay, so this is a solid four now, but I threw so many more editing comments at you, and you did some amazing editing, you deserve the 4.5.
Last thought, promise.
Keep on writing! You've improved this story so much. If you're tired of working with it, go forward and write something else from what you've conquered. And there won't be any [was] or passive sentences, right? Outstanding effort!
|