Just Jul Lee is just me. I write my thoughts and observations.
I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!
This is just a journal about me and what I feel and experience. It will speak of God quite often and since I am human it will speak of loneliness occasionally experienced and other emotions we all deal with.
I hope that you will read this objectively and rate it fairly, if you rate it at all. Please don't rate it if you're just doing it because you disagree with me. I am not you and you are not me, that's what makes us great. We believe differently and do things differently.
Sit back and enjoy but if you don't want to hear about God then stop now.
Just Jul Lee
I Want You
DATE: October 25, 2005
"I never wanted the stars",
She so softly whispered,
As the wind brushed her hair,
She knew that He had heard,
That He listened with care.
On her every word He doted,
He waited patiently for her voice,
Waited to hear what she wanted,
Waited to hear her choice.
"I never shot for the moon",
She had journeyed from Him, so far,
Had sought what couldn't be found,
She had wished on every single star,
But, one by one, they'd fallen to the ground.
He called her name and spoke to her,
He told her of His unending love,
He asked her to return, to remember,
Her compassionate Father, Protector, above.
"I like them right where they are",
Now, underneath a dark sky,
She understands at last,
All the reasons why,
The darkness never passed.
Finally, she cried out to Him,
And love was immediately supplied,
For she realized why life was dim,
At last, she saw and replied,
"All I wanted was You!"
Could it be?
DATE: October 24, 2005
Could it be...
That I'm actually achieving things? That I'm actually moving forward, albeit slowly?
Could it be...
That I'm better off without 'friends' in my life? That I'm not truly alone, despite the lack of bodies around me?
Could it be...
That I am actually pretty, actually worthy of love? That I will be happy one day with the man God has chosen for me?
Could it be...
That I had lost my soul and God has redeemed it? That I am lovely in His eyes, that I am His and He loves me deeply?
Could it be...
That I knew it all along and chose to ignore it? That I've seen myself, truly, and rejected me?
Could it be...
I believe so!
Right here in Your presence is where I belong,
This old broken heart has finally found a home,
And I'll never be alone!
There is redemption, acceptance and love in the arms of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
What Is It?
DATE: October 21, 2005
Okay, what in the world is it that is propelling me forward mentally? Or should I say in my fantasy world of Julie-Topia?
I seem to be thinking of being swept off my feet, wooed to no end, romanced and all within the boundries set by God and myself. And then, I return to sanity and think, hmmm, that was odd.
So, I decided to ask myself, what is it?
I believe it is a fierce desire, first and foremost, to fulfill God's will for me before He comes back. I have absolutely no control over finding my spouse since I will not go out and look for him. God has assured me that He will bring my future husband to me. Only those with genuine relationships with God and true understanding of His ways can fully grasp what I'm saying, can fully grasp the faith needed and invested in such a statement. But, I do believe that God will bring him to me so I don't have to search.
Secondly, I believe it is the fact that I'm working out for lunch now. Okay, it's only been a week, but I still feel better about myself. My self image (as long as I stay away from mirrors and overly-skinny women) has vastly improved. I still realize that I am overweight but I feel slightly more attractive or something. Now this is a really hard thing to explain or put into words even I can fathom.
Third, which should actually be first, I am spending time praising God in my room alone again. I feel Him drawing me closer to Him and I feel His joy filling me and keeping me going throughout the week. I feel His blessing and His approval on my recent choices. Not all of them, mind, just the good ones. Like, working out, spending time with Him, keeping my mouth shut, avoiding confrontation and laughing when I feel anger rising up in me again.
All this is coming together for what purpose, I wonder. I honestly don't forsee my future husband arriving in my life in the too near future and I certainly don't think I'm able to strike out on my own and live alone just yet. So why am I here?
I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
I never wanted the stars,
I never shot for the moon,
I like them right where they are,
All I wanted was you.
So baby just turn away,
Because I can't face the truth,
All I'm trying to say,
Is all I wanted was you.
I want you, I want you,
Baby, I want you.
I want you, I want you,
Baby, I want you.
Rain, Clouds, Rainbows, Sunset and Sunrise
DATE: October 19, 2005
So, last night I set up my praise date with God but I ran to the store, which seriously cut into it. Anyway, after I purchased all that I wanted to, I headed out to the car.
The clouds had rolled in around 3 and the rain began shortly thereafter, complete with lightening and thunder. I love the rain. It is definately my favorite weather. Cloudy, rainy days always make me happy. Snow is a close second as a favorite but that will be a later entry for sure.
When I had arrived at the store, there was a gentle rainbow sweeping across the grey sky. I smiled and thanked God for the beautiful rainbow before heading in to shop.
When I emerged, there were two rainbows and the second one took my breath completely away.
I have never seen such a clear, vibrant, complete rainbow in my whole life. The colors were so vivid that they could never be recreated, the arch stretching across a grey sky with smooth purity, a few wispy clouds drifting in front of the lower section of the gift from God.
I coudn't find the words to tell God how beautiful it was. I always ended up saying that it was 'so pretty' because I was awestruck by its perfection and color.
I headed toward it to see it disappear behind a mountain peak covered heavy with clouds. It took my breath away.
As I drove toward home (the opposite direction) I came across a lovely sunset. The sky was pure gold near the mountains, the clouds dusted with the brightest, purest, untainted gold you have ever seen. Once again, I was reduced to 'pretty' as I marveled at God's ability and desire to gift us with such beauty.
As the sun continued to set, a pink that would make EVERYONE love pink, if the color could be recreated, which I highly doubt, touched and filled a cloud. It was so lovely that I nearly cried as I praised and thanked God the whole way home, the beauty warming my soul and filling me with light and joy.
God didn't stop there. This morning, as I dropped my mom off, I saw a sunrise that rivaled the sunset last night. The few lingering grey clouds hugged the mountain but the sun broke through, sending thick, intense, golden rays into the air and spashed across the dense, dark, grey storm clouds.
Once again, I thanked God for blessing us with His gifts of color and light, bringing beauty to us with such simple things.
It amazes me that God would think of the little things, like sunrises and sunsets being so colorful, so wonderful. He blesses us in ways that we can't even fathom. He turns our mourning into dancing, our weeping into laughing, and He does it for us, not for Him. He makes our lives better, loves us, blesses us and comforts us to show us just how much we mean to Him.
So, perk up, my friends. If you are saved, if you are His child, He has many gifts for you. For others, every cloud may have a silver lining, but for us, His children, the loves of His life, the lining is pure gold.
What I Felt A Month Ago
DATE: October 17, 2005
Sorry, I say, to those I've hurt and wait in the dark woods to hear their voices.
Alone I sit, alone I cry, there are no friends around.
To see that I am nothing but vapor shows me how little I mean to you.
You cast me aside like a broken toy and my broken soul won’t mend.
I too bleed red, the crystal tears of sorrow linger upon my ivory cheek.
I see you lingering behind the blackened glass, watching me cry.
Sorry, I say, to those who've hurt me and wait in the solitude to see their tears.
I Tell Myself I Feel No Pain, But I'm Feeling The Pain: The Scar
DATE: October 13, 2005
Well, I was sitting at work today and thoughts continued to plague me. Am I worthy?
Now, of course, I realize that God finds me worthy of His love, grace and sacrifice, which makes all the difference. But the whispers in my mind make me suffer as I struggle to gain control over my self-doubt.
Doubt, as I've mentioned before, has a firm grasp upon my sanity. And there seems to be no way to overcome it. Now, I realize that my worth and beauty must be seen through the eyes of God but there is the mirror. Every morning I face the mirror (and the scale) to discover that I am not pretty.
I know that God can overcome anything but I sit at my desk and feel the deep gouging of my solitary scar. I am alone again.
I can't accept the fact that I'll find love if my friends can't stand to be with me. I can't accept that fact that I'll be wanted when my phone doesn't ring. And I can't find a way to see who He sees.
I can see my flaws so clearly, I can see my 'ugliness', I can see the way I talk and dress, the way I fail to act. I can see the rage within me, I can see the dark thoughts and I can't help but think of how I fail so much.
But all of this aside, I'm moving forward with God and I am feeling His forgiveness and His love over all. I move forward, face each day, knowing that He cares and it's Him alone that keeps me alive.
I haven't cried in a long time but the tears are behind my eyes waiting for a moment they can show themselves. I haven't sat and dwelled on all that's lost, I haven't lingered in the past as much, but the shadows of the clouds above me are easily seen.
The truth has been revealed about me, I am not needed. Though I am loved by many, the few that hate me scald my skin, and that isn't how it should be.
Why would I be left here all alone again? Why would I find love so hard to believe again. Isn't there a rainbow and a pot of gold for me? Can't I find the happiness that was promised to me? Don't I deserve to see love in his eyes? Don't I deserve to feel the worth of my soul? I understand what is at stake, and so I continue on. For I love my God and all He's said is so.
The scar is deep within me, it is hidden from view and the pain is almost bearable when I pretend I'm good, but the joy is slipping from my fingers, because of all the lies. I love You, Lord. I need You, Lord. Please fill me up inside.
I wasn't intending for this to be so sad. I wasn't intending to indulge the darkness within. I pray for God to help and He answers with His love. I will succeed, I will move on and grow under His wings.
Tomorrow is another day and I will face it with a smile and after all this is forgotten, I'll read it in awhile. Tomorrow comes with promises that I know He will fulfill if I could only have faith in Him and His will.
I am ready to do all He wants, I am ready to obey. I am ready to see promises come to pass today. I am ready for His voice to speak to me like He use to do. I am ready to be moved from where I've lingered far too long.
I am ready for the scar to be healed.
I am ready for the love to be realized and felt.
I am ready to be humble, I am ready to serve.
I am ready to believe His word...
Where Have All The Longhaired Men Gone?
DATE: October 12, 2005
Okay, I was reading my blog and I discovered that it has been almost a year since I laid eyes upon the handsome hunk from Hastings. What is up with that, I ask you! I mean, really!
There is, though, a handsome guy with long hair working at Wal-Mart but I rarely ever see him.
Where is the longhaired guy that’s supposed to sweep me off my feet? Where?
And thus ends, where have all the longhaired men gone, a blog by me!
Passing A Link Along The Chain
DATE: October 7, 2005
I was reading blogs today and I came across "Whiskers and Tails" . As I read one of the entries, I discovered that kittiara had an interesting link in the blog.
What animal are you?
This is what my answer was:
Okay...the least like a monkey part made me sad since I am entirely obsessed with monkey's but otherwise it's okay! Check out the link following the description of what animal I am and do the quiz. Tell me what you are!
You Are A: Bear Cub!
Bears are strong and independent creatures who roam in the forest in search of food. Bears are usually gentle, but anger one and be prepared for their full fury! You have a bit of a temper -- a classic attribute of bears. Intelligent and resourceful, though lazy at times, you are a fascinating creature of the wild.
You were almost a: Duck or a Pony
You are least like a: Chipmunk or a Monkey
Apparently, kittiara got this link by reading novusfemina's blog and so I am only passing a link along the chain.