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This is a very action packed, intense piece. I like the development of the relationship and feelings between the characters.
You might look at tightening some of the sentences up. For instance:
had attempted to make early this morning before I slept - you could take out before i slept because you already let the reader know you were waking up --
Watch your tense - you start with present "throw" and then go to past with "reached" - tense is tricky, (for me anyway)
saddlebag for safe keeping.It - need spaces after the period
Once of them grabbed his arm Once/One
If you go back to this piece, I would try to develop the setting - i was confused of the time period.
When i come to your comedy poetry - for some reason i always love to read it aloud. Maybe it's the great rhythm you use, or just the fun in the words. And of course, I always know there is going to be a surprise for me at the end.
I love this take on the old story of 3 wishes. The dialogue use is superb.
The only part i did a small double take was here:
And so the moment finally came –
her final wish she had to name
I think it was the use of finally and final so close together and then final is in the next stanza too - but on reflection it did reiterate a sense of "time" and "finality lol"
Anyway, you know i loved it! And i'm just glad her cat wasn't a girl - that could have been awkward.
This is a wonderful, sweet memory -- I think we all need to take time to go back and visit the good times in our lives sometimes.
My favorite part: What a feeling, like when I was little and someone picked me up over their head, then slowly let me down.
You've used the five senses wonderfully to describe the experience and put us there.
The only thing i would suggest is look at some of your longer, compound sentences and see if you can shorten them. A variety of sentence lengths can really give a story a smooth rhythm for the reader.
This is a very interesting piece -- i really enjoy the uniqueness of it -- giving a voice to something that doesn't have a conventional one is something that has always caught my interest.
my favorite line: our blue eyes blinded,
until we see no more.”
And the ending is very strong as well.
You've used a nice voice with this piece - some strong alliteration, and the repetition works well.
This is amazing, becca. Just simply amazing. I wish i could pick out a favorite stanza but there were so many that touched me. This is such an inspirational piece that will reach any age or gender. Rare does a poem have such a broad audience.
Thank you so much for your beautfiul words and thoughts.
lol oh ken, oh ken, oh ken - to live in your brain must be a treat. I have to admit i figured it out at exterminators but that was brilliant foreshadowing. I just loved this piece. you made it so different than most would have from the prompt -- in fact i have to say i was glad i didn't get that one.
a young off-spring of the vermin that infest this planet. he thought disparagingly - comma after planet not period
you OK?" came her Mother's voice from the - mother shouldn't be capitalized since it has a pronoun before it and she isn't being directly addressed.
i love the vocabulary you used. It seemed of another world, yet just enough similarities to make you wonder.
It makes me envious that you are just as good at stories as you are at poetry - yet, i always enjoy the read.
Ken, I have to tell you -- i have had a down couple of days and tonight i was like what can get me out of my funk and your name and humor came to mind. And you know what? I was write. Thanks for putting that smile back on my face and the giggle in my voice. I'm sorry lol it was at your expense, but it was a wonderfully written tale. The rhythm was excellent - pat yourself on the back for that one. Excellent joy, thank you my friend.
Wow - this is a great idea -- very unique and creepy - both of which i love. You've got the hard part done which is the creativity part. I would suggest more unison in legnth lines to help the rhythm. And some things rhyme and others don't -- it made it seem sort of choppy to me. Honestly, in the piece i don't think you need the rhyme -- the premise is so strong anyway without it.
Also, in poetry - try to watch repeating of words -- varying it makes it stronger and pulls the reader in more.
Wow - you did great on this challenge - i can see it would be difficult.
closer inspection with a finely tuned ear drum you would discover that several songs were being played at once - i would take out drum and just leave it as ear
me and the organisers. The time spent on agreeing the costumes; the money spent acquiring the costumes. The struggle to ensure everyone arrives there on time. - to keep the tense uniform i would say arrived instead of arrives even though i understand why you did it that way.
I think the tone is great - you've set the mood - and with the state of our country now i'm sure far too many people can relate.
In the first stanza where you say tears running down her cheek - i would use cheeks since tears are plural - - it will still rhyme fine with Mozambiue -- - or maybe change it to a tear trailing down her cheek.
He was very kind, gentle and sweet. - i would look for another adjective here - because to me kind and sweet are pretty much the same thing.
I really love that you put in a stanza about her personal feelings with him -- it makes him more real - not just a soldier but a man.
This is very thought provoking which is always a good thing. I love that you have attached a pic and a quote - it really adds a background to the poem.
I think we've all wondered such things. In fact it makes me wonder them again.
This actually made me want more - which is a good thing too -- but it also gives you the knowledge that expanding it is an option too or writing a series of such thoughts.
This is a great short trip through life -- it really is. you've done well in showing the changes, the maturities, the priorities in such a few short words. I found myself smiling and thinking throughout the piece.
By an act of nature, it took my Mother days to produce me, no more - since mother has the pronoun my in front of it, it doesn't need to be capitalized
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I love this piece - it seems a different style than i have read from you before -- i like that you included both poems it was a treat.
The flow was great and so was the mood you set - you took us from despair to appreciation of rescue in a few short lines.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love that you gave it an ending - a rescure - a positive outlook. most dark just stays dark but you have shown us the light -- i think this reflects your optimistic personality as well.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
THis is excellent! It gave me chills and that doesn't happen much. The imagery you've created with so few words is amazing. I could feel and see the woods as if i were experiencing them with you.
favorite part: It must have embarrassed the trees,
For they covered the handywork with a foggy
shroud. - such a unique, yet realistic description. Wish i had thought of it . lol
This is very sweet. I think putting hands in cement is something everyone should do at least once!
I would try to make the lines a little more uniform in legnth to help with the rhythm of the piece, especially since it rhymes. It will help the meter out a lot.
I love how you described the event - innocence at its best!
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Congratulations on your recent nomination to "The Ink Blot Author Fan Club". Your fan has requested the T.S. Eliot PACKAGE for you which includes a total of 9 reviews!! I'm ecstatic you were chosen for this honor.
Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I have to admit, usually when i read vampire or werewolf stories i'm like "blah" , just not normally my thing - BUT i loved this!
From the description to the plot it was amazing. You pulled the reader right in with just the right amount of history to set things in motion.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love the dialogue -- it was so well written both technically and in character. IT not only made me feel more connected to the girl but provided a ground work to her father as well.
BRAVO! Suggestions:
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