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 AN ACME REVIEW
This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:
http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm
Thanks for the opportunity to read your script. I'm afraid I only got midway through Scene II, because I was distracted by the formatting and stage direction. With a little time spent editing, your characters and dialogue will come to life on the page  I think it will be worth any effort you put into doing so. I realise that formatting can be hard on WDC, but links like the Drama Newsletter and how to use Writing.ML can all be accessed via the Navigation Pane to the left of your screen 
It helps to establish your characters if you write a cast list with brief description. The first few scenes are flashbacks to Zach's earlier life, but we don't know how old he is at the outset.
Due to some content (alcohol, mild sex references, language etc), you should set the rating at 13+ instead of E. Don't worry, doing so won't diminish your readership, but will mean that readers are not unnecessarily offended.
Zach, now wearing a white suit, is slow dancing with a girl on the dance floor. There are other couples also dancing. Another young man, Cameron, comes up near them, Actors greedily hunt the script for themselves... and the technical people, like Script Editors like to see certain familiar things, such as CAPITALISATION of character names, even in scene setting.
Also, make sure you clearly distinguish between dialogue and direction:
ZACH
I’m serious.
At this moment a dancing couple bumps into the back of Cameron causing him to lurch forward, spilling his champagne on the crotch area of Zach’s white pants. The stain is very incriminating.
Oh man. Bloody hell.
eg,
ZACH
I’m serious.
[At this moment a dancing couple bumps into the back of Cameron causing him to lurch forward, spilling his champagne on the crotch area of Zach’s white pants. The stain is very incriminating.]
Oh man. Bloody hell.
Proof read for punctuation, eg:
ZACH
Listen[,] moneybags, it’s possible. You’re not above the rules.
CAMERON
Well[,] that’s how they do it in restaurants. Anyway, I thought you were paying…
ZACH
Oh ye of little faith.
They both laugh.
No really. I know everything there is to know about Christianity. It’s a divine gift.
Cameron looks dubious.
You still don’t believe me? I just don’t have the faith to make it useful.
Cameron is still dubious but says nothing.
You’ll see.
They pull up and park on the street. We see a FOR LEASE sign through the car window.
I really got a little lost here. Try letting the dialogue speak for itself and cut out as much, if not all narrative. I realise you're trying to create shots, but you're in danger of writing a short story instead of a script. There is a fabulous weekly contest on WDC called The Dialogue 500 which is a great way to practice moving plot and story on through speech alone. Click on billwilcox's blue case and you should find it easily
Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care! |
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I think it is because you have managed to capture such restraint in your narrative voice, even though the subject is an emotive one. I'd liken it to a powerful horse in a harness: all that passion reigned in, makes the expression somehow more powerful.
Thank you for your poetry entry in "
This had me choke on coffee (don't panic, I'm alright now):
