Thank you for submitting this dramatic poem to “Inspirations”. You have created a piece with intense emotion and pathos. There is a valuable life lesson here…to be cautious with alcohol, and use good judgment. And there is the tone of sorrow for something precious that has been lost.
I found it sometimes difficult to know who the “players” were…who was speaking, and to whom. But that’s just me.
Hello my Friend! It’s always good to see you here in “Inspirations”.
You have expressed a profound truth in the words of a simple poem. I deeply believe that “absolute truth” is the enemy of the mind. An answer only gives you one door to enter. A question gives you MANY doors!
WOW! This packs a punch…an emotional punch. It is written concisely and is easy to follow. I love “Witch light of day”. I had never heard that. Then “…your embrace to keep it at bay”, referring to the night. Your day AND your night are painful. Your stoic acceptance yet lingering hope…these move me deeply. I love the line, “still searching every face looking for yours.” How could this NOT move my heart for you.
WELL DONE my friend! This poem seems to catch me up and transport me through time and place. It is a touching journey, and an astute commentary on life and people. The lines flow in an easy-reading style…and yet almost enchanting.
The placement on the page and the form of your stanzas is also very appealing to the eye.
South Africa! My niece lived in the mountainous country down south, but I can't recall the name of the area. She's in Niger now.
Jessie, you ask a profound question in this poem. Who can know the origin of thoughts or their destination. I'm with you. I think they are guarded by someone unseen.
In Proverbs it says, "Stand guard over your heart, for out of it flow the rivers of life". Beautiful!
Great to see you again…and great to see you in “Inspirations” again!
If I am ever in want for a good love poem, you’ll find me knocking on your door! This has all the movement and language of yester year. Yet it is also comfortable in the present.
Your poem is rich in imagery and word pictures. It is filled with sensual delight.
In stanza three, I would say, “And hides beneath”. This would be in keeping with “It beats fast.”
The same is true in the last stanza.”gently laid your loyal head” would balance with “Your earthly comfort.
Thank you for submitting your impressive poem to “Inspirations”. Your poem tells me a couple things about you. First you are a romantic. Next, you are a very gifted writer. Your poem demonstrates both…it is a pleasure to read.
Your word pictures and lovely imagery give the poem a very pleasant mood. It doesn’t seem to be gothic, but it is pretty close. It is filled with the sights and sounds of another age.
You’ve done it again! You’ve written a poem that simply engulfs me. I love this. I love your prancing cadence…one of celebration. I love the way the poem takes me right and left to enjoy all the delights of spring.
And then you drop in a hint of humor:
“A peacock, proudly strutting for his mate,
joins others in their quest to propagate”
And then you drop in an even bolder slice of humor:
“It’s in the sunset at the end of day;
it’s in my bowl of crawfish etouffe’e”
This takes me straight down to New Orleans…only an hour and a half from where I’m sitting and reading.
Thank you for submitting your poem to ”Inspirations”. Part of my boyhood was spent on a farm, and I identify with a lot of this poem’s content.
You have a direct writing style that lets the reader follow along without a lot of effort. Your rich word pictures ad a lot to the enjoyment of the poem.
Favorite lines:
“overgrown with bunched prairie grass
and rampant with thick wild brush.”
“hunter's trucks park and then wander,” This line doesn’t work for me. I don’t expect to see the trucks park and wander. I’d say “hunters park trucks and then wander.
I’m thinking “golden hay” is not really in keeping with all of the other imagery. I might say “the drying hay” or “the dried up hay”. Just a thought.
I’m always happy to see that you have submitted a poem to “Inspirations”.
This Is a totally lovely poem, a true pleasure to read. You are gifted with language, that is clear to see. I especially like:
” The tall grasses, the fields, sway to eastern skies.” This is just one example of how easily your lines ease off the page.
I noticed a couple tiny corrections:
In the fourth line the “s” should be dropped from inspires and clears. This is a tricky instance. I like to simplify it by placing the subject next to the verbs:
Thank you for submitting your fine poem to “Inspirations”.
This is incredible! I’ve read few poems that move me so.Your language has an unusual richness and ardor. This poem has layer upon layer of delights for me. Your word pictures and metaphors are wonderful. The movement of the poem is sure and certain.
I love the third stanza. It sounds like breakfast is being served inside the house. And then the reader discovers the metaphor of the stanza.
If I had a single suggestion for improvement I would definitely offer it. I don’t!
This is a sad poem! You reflect the writer’s stoic acceptance of a fact he would rather not have to confront. You succeed in portraying the hopelessness of his situation. ( I’m hoping this is not your personal story! )
“you won’t love me” doesn’t work for me…maybe “you’d not love me”
“With me, your future bind” seems like an awkward inversion, but I can’t come up with a better way to say it, and keep your rhyme scheme.
Even though you have several reviews here, I can't resist adding my "5". This is beautiful and deeply meaningful. My wife paints in oils. Me? My art is with the camera, and I have been there, done that!
For me, these words say it and say it so well:
"What camera angle will suffice
to freeze a tiny glimpse of life,
to catch the briefest sense of awe,
to make another person see
proof of my epiphany?"
What a searching question! This is a rich metaphor for life, too. It reminds me that all we have is the moment...seize the day...cherish the moment!
OK, time for my rhythm mania: "(the) proof of my ephiphany?" would make the meter of this stanza rank right up there with Robert Frost's "Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village though". Well you get the idea.
I'm hoping this character reads these lyrics and decides to come on home!! This is very readable as well as reasonable.
Third stanza, last line:
"It never left, just come on home."
I'd replace the "so" with a comma...this seems to me to give better balance.
I think there is a very delicate balance between the writer's wanting the subject to come on home because it's best for him...as opposed to what she herself wants. I don't have any suggestion. The poem has good balance and reason. I only mention this to call it to your attention.
Heat is a metaphor often seen to represent love. You have carried this metaphor throughout your poem very effectively. “burst in flame, ignited, kindled, singed, it sears, glowing embers hot passion, lust sparks, we’ll burn”. These word pictures carry the reader forward and keep him in the flow of the poem.
You have written a poem with a very significant message. It is direct and easy to read. Your rich word picture give the poem warmth and feeling.
I only have one suggestion. The entire poem is contained in one long sentence. For me this was a bit of a stretch. I’d consider breaking it into two sentences. Perhaps in the third stanza I would say, “I ponder life’s fluid enigmas.”
Yes indeed, this sounds to me like “another somebody done somebody wrong song.” I lived in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma when I first heard this haunting tune. I’ve loved it ever since, and I appreciate your reminding me of it again. You treated me to a nice “romp” down memory lane with your other titles.
You have done a good job of portraying the pain and loneliness of a broken love. For the most part your word pictures did well.
I thought it was a bit too much when you grouped together, “a surging tide, our bubble, and a solar flare” But that’s just me.
Thank you for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”.
This is a very sweet love poem. I can see right away that you are a romantic! You have some very beautiful word pictures: “fog covered mountains; ancient portals; wings of rhyme”.
There is a tiny adjustment that would make this better, I think. Put it all in the second person; like this:
Hot digidies! I LOVE it when that happens, oh thou fellow star gazer!
Dave, this is incredible in its simple beauty and artistry. I’m certainly going to have to try my hand at this form. I can see where your most potent message should be in the second line…because it is repeated to close each stanza. You have done this quite well.
”a dismal frame” doesn’t quite work for me. Maybe, “the dismal game”?
This is absolutely filled with pathos and a sense of loss without hope of recovery. I’ve never seen a better representation of the Native American loss. Of course the Native American Indians have indeed found a place and a way to live. But not so for this mother.
With this you reach deep into my heart, and make me remember…remember and care.
I’m sure you considered the one awkward phrase:
” To the life that I must go, is not the one for me,”
I wouldn’t dare change the meaning. Would this do it?
“The life to which I go is not the one for me.”
Just a thought.
Again, thank you my friend.
Bob
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