Thank you for submitting your poem to “Inspirations.” You have written a piece with strong emotion. The writer is reaching out, hoping that someone will listen…will respond…will lend an understanding ear. But it seems pretty unlikely that it will happen. Rather it seems like the reader is placing blame on the writer for “every mistake, every flaw, every sin, every break, every mood.” The repetition of your central message gives strength to it.
I would prefer “All (that) is left for me now” instead of “all what is left…”
The overall narrative was a bit difficult for me to follow…it seemed a bit scattered. (Though I’m thinking that was your intention.)
What a true pleasure it is to meet you again here in the halls of “Inspirations”. And such a totally lovely poem you bring! I WANT TO MEET HER!! The richness of your images and word pictures truly move me as I read. My very favorite:
“the soft and silky wings of gentle winds”. I’m pretty sure you didn’t write this poem on a coffee break at work! My hat’s off to you my friend.
Thanks for submitting your very powerful work to “Inspirations”. It took me several readings to (begin to) comprehend this poem. You have demonstrated mastery in your use of vivid images and word pictures. You assault the heart of the reader!
I see a couple of tiny grammar corrections you might consider:
“So (of )what use is a fountain of youth,”
Instead “So what of”
“Embarrassing for both him and (me)”
Instead of “him and I”
My hat’s off to you my friend. I could wish for you that the poem springs from imagination, rather than reality.
Thank you for submitting your most interesting poem to “Inspirations”. I can see that you spent a lot of time on this one. You have achieved a very tense and expectant tone throughout. I’m not going to venture a guess about all of the meaning found here! Suffice it to say you captured and held my attention.
By the way, I love your pen name! Thank you for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”. You have written a poem that stirs the emotions. There is the poignant note of regret…of loss of a cherished relationship. I like your rhyme scheme. I’ve always been a “rhyme and rhythm” man.
Here are a couple tiny suggestions: The first line doesn’t need a comma. The sentence clearly continues into line two. Also, “He, who you crave” would better be written “He, whom you crave.
Thanks for submitting your beautiful poem to “Inspirations”. This poem has one message and one only: the love and adoration of the writer for his beloved. I like your rhyme scheme, and I like your heart!
I LO VE your willingness to go back and put the poem in bitem format! That gives me a chance to give you an “official” rating and review.
I see only one needed suggestion:
“In your presence only peace is,”…this sentence is what I call an “unnatural formation”. The sentence would logically read: “Peace is only in your presence.” But of course that doesn’t fit your rhyme scheme, and I’m a sucker for a good rhyme scheme. I can’t see any better way to do it, so I’d probably leave it exactly as it is.
Oh my word! This is altogether beautiful. You have a rare gift of expression. In so few words you say so much. I’m guessing this is more than a poem. I’m guessing it’s your story. And may God richly bless you, my friend.
What a wonderful story teller you are! You pack such a powerful narrative into one free verse poem. This has the flavor of the “Good Samaritan” parable told by Christ. You also offer a strong witness to the grace of God: “faith, courage, determination and love”.
This is beyond lovely! It is pleasing to read. It is endearing. The note of pathos makes me think the author’s beloved has stepped over into God’s eternity…just a heart beat away.
What an absoluely delightful poem! It is simple and from the heart. The message is consistant from beginning to end. The language is beautiful. And I love the repititions...they MAKE the poem.
What a totally delightful little poem! It sings to me of childhood days and dreamy nights. I absolutely love the expression, "Night’s awesome secret". It seems to invite me to discover the secret.
Thanks for submitting your excellent poem to “Inspirations”. WOW! What can I say? This packs a punch! To me poetry is to be enjoyed. Now and then I appreciate getting a reminder that poetry is not always written for the reader’s enjoyment. You have achieved an absolutely wonderful rhythm and rhyme scheme. It reads like it came easily and naturally to the writer. I myself seriously doubt that.
Good for you! You have written a total delight! Your words TAKE me there. Your poem is alive with hope and joy for the future. And of course, being a rhyme freak, I totally love your spot-on rhyme scheme.
“knowing that life is only a song.” I would say “really” a song. But that’s just me. In the last stanza I think that “whenever” would be better than when ever.
Also thanks for punctuation and sentence structure. To me it adds a LOT to a poem when the writer takes the trouble to do that. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”. I myself am a rhyme and rhythm man. So I love your spot-on rhyme scheme. And you achieved it without any awkward formations. That is itself is an accomplishments.
It’s not clear to me exactly what the poem refers too. Perhaps that is your intention.
I like this! I like the rhyme scheme. At first I was distracted by your switching the pattern between the first and second stanzas; but then you did the same throughout the piece, so I’m thinking it was on purpose.
“watching bleakly changing shores” sets the tone of the entire poem This works well for me.
“I see you wander now alone
as yet I watch; forever cold.” Very poignant. You make me feel the feelings you are experiencing. I like that in a poem.
This is good. Your word pictures are vivid. You effectively take me there. I can hear the “plunk” of pebbles hitting the still surface. I like the way you transition from the tranquil scene to the realm of the heart. “Cold, cold stones within a heartbeat”
I’m thinking you may need a period after “pebbles” and then capitalize “Breaks”. To me one thought ends there and another begins. You may have intended it otherwise.
One tiny correction: you have an extra “e” in quicksilver (e) r.
This poem is a total DELIGHT! Your writing style is relaxed and pleasing to read. I love your perfect rhyme scheme...and you didn't once sacrifice meaning or create an awkward formation in order to achieve the rhyme. That alone is an accomplishment.
Your vivid word pictures absolutely took me there! The undertone of humor was excellent. Your idea was clever and pleasing.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”! I’m sorry to be a bit slow in reviewing this piece for you. (We’ll blame it on some vision difficulties.)
You have written a very significant piece, fraught with the feelings, the commitments, the agony and the loss of some of our fighting men. This is a message that should be heard far and wide.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”! I’m sorry to be a bit slow in reviewing this piece for you. (We’ll blame it on some vision difficulties.)
You have written a very interesting poem here. It carries a strong note of futility. It follows the “changing seasons” of one artist’s pathway. I think painters and poets alike can relate.
My favorite lines:
“Her dance, alluring, steps as old as time.
He with no light, no way to see her face.”
An unspoken message permeates this poem, I think. It is the ever present possibility of OVERCOMING…of seeing ones muse at work with all the creativity that is possible.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”! I’m sorry to be a bit slow in reviewing this piece for you. (We’ll blame it on some vision difficulties.)
This is a FUN POEM! It is easy reading, light hearted narrative. I like the rhyme scheme and the “sing song” feel of the piece. It is appropriate for the message.
I think most of your readers will relate. I certainly do. Sometimes I wanted to “punch my family clan in the nose”. But at other times I realized they were worth far more than silver and gold.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”! I’m sorry to be a bit slow in reviewing this piece for you. (We’ll blame it on some vision difficulties.)
I have read this piece several times. It is compelling. It has the knell of urgency, and the desperation of blind belief. I asked myself why in the world the people kept faith when their leader was obviously not worthy of it. And yet this very situation exists in many “corners” of our world.
The picture is painted early in the poem:
“asked the wearied people of a frustrated nation, their patience worth a fortune.”
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”! I’m sorry to be a bit slow in reviewing this piece for you. (We’ll blame it on some vision difficulties.)
I found this poem to be a total delight to read! Your writing style is light and yet direct. You have a real gift of descriptive expression. Your rhyme scheme is not rigid, yet it creates a certain warm charm for me.
You had me from your opening words:
“We did not see what you saw,
but we will make for you
from the love you gave in awe
a world less askew.”
If we could ALL approach life this way, the world would indeed be less askew.
Hello my friend. I expect you can read this more clearly than most of US can. What a powerful testimony to all of use whose lives you have touched with your gentle, poetic hand. I have seldom read a more appropriate piece.
My favorite:
“the words of wisdom ripple through the
leafless branches, dispensing
upon me a stable heart.”
This makes me want to travel! I’m guessing that this poem is based on an actual trip, rather than one conjured in your imagination.
At any rate you stimulated my imagination with all the sights and sounds of faraway places. I especially like your closing thoughts that the group was no longer strangers to each other. I think we all should respect the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part. This poem gives credibility to this idea.
Thanks Jaya!
Bob
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