Thank you for submitting your outstanding poem to “Inspirations.” I found your piece so compelling that I read it three times before I set it down. You have an unusual gift in your ability to seize the writer’s attention and hold it to the very end. Your poem speaks to me of military heroism and the personal price that is paid by the “hero”. Whatever else your poem accomplishes, it moved this reader deeply.
It’s good to see you in here again. When I glanced at the bottom and saw your rhythm and rhyme scheme, I KNEW I was going to like this poem! (Being such a rhyme/rhythm freak) .. .. I also find it refreshing to see you “thinking out loud” about your poetry. My favorite phrase is the closing phrase: “improving my
Poetic strategy.”
I’d make a tiny change in the first line: I’d say “Deep inside (of me I feel).” It just seems to roll of the tongue better. But that’s just me. Great job!
Thank you for submitting your fine poem to “Inspirations.” You write with a clear and direct style. This caused me to be able to follow your line of thought easily. I like that. You deal with a topic that is universal. Any reader would relate to your message.
You have one sentence that is what I call an “awkward formation.” “They linger in the dark and choose my brightest thoughts to rape.” Normally one would say, “and choose to rape my brightest thoughts.” You did the most reasonable thing…you went with it in order to keep your rhyme scheme. I might have done the same! I can’t see a way to express it any better. I only mention this because I prefer to avoid “awkward formations.” But sometimes (like this case) they are the best way to accomplish your end.
Thank you for submitting your very emotional poem to “Inspirations.” You write clearly and directly. Your lines are easy to read and follow. I like that. The metaphor of the storm is consistent throughout the piece. I like that too. You round off the piece with clarity:
“My garden, my trees, and my flowers I so painstakingly planted
Are now all swept away.
Nothing except the brittle branches now remain.”
Thank you for submitting your very emotional poem to “Inspirations.” You write clearly and directly. Your lines are easy to read and follow. I like that. The metaphor of the storm is consistent throughout the piece. I like that too. You round off the piece with clarity:
“My garden, my trees, and my flowers I so painstakingly planted
Are now all swept away.
Nothing except the brittle branches now remain.”
Thank you for submitting your heart-felt poem to “Inspirations.” This poem could possibly be fictional, but I’m thinking it is your actual story. You have done an excellent job of casting yourself on one plane, while “normal life” passes you by on another plane entirely. You look “over there” but it’s not where you live. You live in a smaller, lonely world of your own. Anyway, that’s what comes through to me.
And thanks for submitting this second poem to “Inspirations.” This is a poignant story of love lost. I felt your deep feelings as I read your poem. The last two lines sum up the heart of the matter. Even in trying to convince yourself “that I don’t love you,” yet the truth is “I can’t seem to let you go.” If this poem is based in truth, I can only say to you that “Time is on your side.”
Thank you for submitting your fine poem to “Inspirations.” This is not easy reading! This is heavy art. At first reading I thought, “Yes, you have done it. It sounds like someone ripped open a thesaurus…” But guess what! As I read and reread the piece it “enslaved me” with its power. This poem is quite an accomplishment! And if it is indeed a true story, then I too pray that “you might someday find a man who’s souled enough for you.”
Thank you so much for submitting your poem to “Inspirations.” This story could be fiction, but my feeling is that you are telling a true “slice of life.” If so, you reflect a situation that is not uncommon to mankind. So many of us struggle with a deep hurt or regret. Learning to forgive oneself is absolutely crucial! Happily your story ends with forgiveness and restoration. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for submitting your poem to “Inspirations.” You have an attractive writing style. Your lines are easy to read; they flow well. My favorite lines: “You're my summer sunshine
When I can't see the light.” If this is a real-life situation, then I wish you well!
Thank you for submitting your beautiful poem to “Inspirations.” I really like this! Your images and great word pictures do it for me. My favorite lines: “where the leaves of last autumn’s notebook
lie scattered underfoot.” You create a nice feel here.
Thank you for submitting your poem to “Inspirations.” You have written a piece with strong emotion. The writer is reaching out, hoping that someone will listen…will respond…will lend an understanding ear. But it seems pretty unlikely that it will happen. Rather it seems like the reader is placing blame on the writer for “every mistake, every flaw, every sin, every break, every mood.” The repetition of your central message gives strength to it.
I would prefer “All (that) is left for me now” instead of “all what is left…”
The overall narrative was a bit difficult for me to follow…it seemed a bit scattered. (Though I’m thinking that was your intention.)
What a true pleasure it is to meet you again here in the halls of “Inspirations”. And such a totally lovely poem you bring! I WANT TO MEET HER!! The richness of your images and word pictures truly move me as I read. My very favorite:
“the soft and silky wings of gentle winds”. I’m pretty sure you didn’t write this poem on a coffee break at work! My hat’s off to you my friend.
Thanks for submitting your very powerful work to “Inspirations”. It took me several readings to (begin to) comprehend this poem. You have demonstrated mastery in your use of vivid images and word pictures. You assault the heart of the reader!
I see a couple of tiny grammar corrections you might consider:
“So (of )what use is a fountain of youth,”
Instead “So what of”
“Embarrassing for both him and (me)”
Instead of “him and I”
My hat’s off to you my friend. I could wish for you that the poem springs from imagination, rather than reality.
Thank you for submitting your most interesting poem to “Inspirations”. I can see that you spent a lot of time on this one. You have achieved a very tense and expectant tone throughout. I’m not going to venture a guess about all of the meaning found here! Suffice it to say you captured and held my attention.
By the way, I love your pen name! Thank you for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”. You have written a poem that stirs the emotions. There is the poignant note of regret…of loss of a cherished relationship. I like your rhyme scheme. I’ve always been a “rhyme and rhythm” man.
Here are a couple tiny suggestions: The first line doesn’t need a comma. The sentence clearly continues into line two. Also, “He, who you crave” would better be written “He, whom you crave.
Thanks for submitting your beautiful poem to “Inspirations”. This poem has one message and one only: the love and adoration of the writer for his beloved. I like your rhyme scheme, and I like your heart!
I LO VE your willingness to go back and put the poem in bitem format! That gives me a chance to give you an “official” rating and review.
I see only one needed suggestion:
“In your presence only peace is,”…this sentence is what I call an “unnatural formation”. The sentence would logically read: “Peace is only in your presence.” But of course that doesn’t fit your rhyme scheme, and I’m a sucker for a good rhyme scheme. I can’t see any better way to do it, so I’d probably leave it exactly as it is.
Oh my word! This is altogether beautiful. You have a rare gift of expression. In so few words you say so much. I’m guessing this is more than a poem. I’m guessing it’s your story. And may God richly bless you, my friend.
What a wonderful story teller you are! You pack such a powerful narrative into one free verse poem. This has the flavor of the “Good Samaritan” parable told by Christ. You also offer a strong witness to the grace of God: “faith, courage, determination and love”.
This is beyond lovely! It is pleasing to read. It is endearing. The note of pathos makes me think the author’s beloved has stepped over into God’s eternity…just a heart beat away.
What an absoluely delightful poem! It is simple and from the heart. The message is consistant from beginning to end. The language is beautiful. And I love the repititions...they MAKE the poem.
What a totally delightful little poem! It sings to me of childhood days and dreamy nights. I absolutely love the expression, "Night’s awesome secret". It seems to invite me to discover the secret.
Thanks for submitting your excellent poem to “Inspirations”. WOW! What can I say? This packs a punch! To me poetry is to be enjoyed. Now and then I appreciate getting a reminder that poetry is not always written for the reader’s enjoyment. You have achieved an absolutely wonderful rhythm and rhyme scheme. It reads like it came easily and naturally to the writer. I myself seriously doubt that.
Good for you! You have written a total delight! Your words TAKE me there. Your poem is alive with hope and joy for the future. And of course, being a rhyme freak, I totally love your spot-on rhyme scheme.
“knowing that life is only a song.” I would say “really” a song. But that’s just me. In the last stanza I think that “whenever” would be better than when ever.
Also thanks for punctuation and sentence structure. To me it adds a LOT to a poem when the writer takes the trouble to do that. Keep up the good work!
This has a good feel. Of course you know me to be a “rhyme and rhythm” man! I also like a piece that expresses strong convictions…with no apology. Your moral truths are spot on. This is a message that would well be heard and heeded by all of us.
The line, “In the moral world we are certainly not winners” doesn’t quite work for me. It seems to lack some of the strength of the rest of the piece. Maybe something like, “In the moral world we are often mere beginners”. But that’s just me!
Keep up the good work!
Bob
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