A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi Winnie,
I was delighted when I found your port in the “Showering Acts of Joy” group. It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Trumpets Sound" , I offer you the following comments.
I have read most of your poetry. Your poems share a similarity. They are perfectly crafted! They seem to have been written effortlessly, and they are a pleasure to read. (I doubt if they were, in fact, written effortlessly.) Your 8-7 meter is a pleasure to read, and your rhyme scheme flows with flawless delight without any strain to create the needed rhyme. All of this marks a good poet. I am even more impressed with the six “ation” words you chose. I’m not sure I could have done that! Kudos to you. The repetition of “Trumpets sound at dawn’s…” gives a growing drama to the piece.
There is only one exception to your perfect meter, and you are already aware of it I’m sure. I wouldn’t change it. The message is worth more than the form:
You wrote “Faithful gain lasting elation.” One way to keep the meter consistent throughout would be this: “Faithful ones gain full elation.” Like I say, “lastinig” might be more important that perfect meter.
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi Deb,
My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. I found your poem through the “Showering Acts of Joy” group. It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Bridges" , I offer you the following comments.
This is truly beautiful. It is simple and straightforward. You express your thoughts with clarity and conviction. Your poem has a natural progression from the initial idea all the way to the ultimate bridge, Jesus Christ.
My favorite line is “Simple tools to get across the chasms.” This line has a good feel. It reminds me that there WILL be chasms, and also that God has given us tools for the journey.
Here’s a tiny typographical error you’ll want to correct. You wrote “ and sometimes just a little to wide”. It should be, ”a little (too) wide.”
I love this on so many levels. You open with the beautiful metaphor of flowers, and you close with the same. I love your word pictures. My favorite is “And hold her for a while.” I can see God doing just that. “And tell her they’ve from me” indicates that we can communicate between life here and life there. I happen to believe that. I love the simple and profound beauty of the piece. It speaks of a very profound love. And finally, I love the form! (I’m a rhyme and rhythm man, but you know that.) Your spot-on rhyme scheme and your flawless 8-6 meter make this poem a delight for the reader. Thanks for sharing!
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Deanna,
This review is part of your shower for the "Showering Acts of Joy Group " It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "The Anti-Christ" I offer you the following comments.
This is chilling as you intended. This is a poem of considerable significance. It is also well written, a flawless Tri-fall. The form suits the subject well. The three syllable lines seem to hammer in the message. You have achieved finality, a sense of ultimate desolation, and hopelessness. I’m curious where you got your concept of the Anti-Christ. It is pretty solid. The tradition is that a world leader will emerge. He will appear benevolent and able to bring spiritual relief to worldwide suffering. By the time humanity realizes his evil, it will be too late.
I see a couple of minor “infractions.” I’m sure you are aware of them, and I wouldn’t suggest you change them. “Leader” and “Eager” are not perfect rhymes. Neither are “Humanity” and “Vastity.” But the power of the thought is too important to nitpick. I considered a line like this: “To trample Christianity” instead of “to guide and charge this vastity.” But it would be a definite step in the wrong direction! I really don’t see anything I would change about this excellent piece! By the way, I learned a new word—vastity.
I discovered your port through the Showering Acts of Joy review board. It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Prisoner of Love" I offer you the following comments.
Your poem contains a vital message for a lot of people in “toxic” relationships. There is the good and the bad in everything. When the bad prevails, it is time to move on. You are very skillful at expressing yourself. I was caught up in your story. You let it unfold naturally. You painted a picture that became increasingly clear…this was not a good person to be with. The following lines give a real potency to the narrative:
“You charmed your way into my life
and discarded what was left.”
and
“I don’t care where you are going
you’ll be traveling it alone.” This statement lets the reader see that you have the courage to put this person in you past.
Here are a couple of suggestions:
“You(r)) drug dealings” You left off “r.”
“made me nervous.” To me, the word “nervous” is too weak. Perhaps “anxious”?
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi, Nightmaryann,
I discovered your port through the Showering Acts of Joy review board. It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Penelope, My Beloved Cat" I offer you the following comments.
I like this! It goes straight to the heart of a pet lover, and I’m a pet lover. This is not a complicated poem. It is concise and direct. It is extremely tender hearted, arousing the emotions we have all felt if we have loved and lost a pet. The repetition of the main message-line is quite effective.
I especially love this line:
“Your soft, warm fur and wispy whiskers against my skin,” Vivid word pictures! Well done.
I only have a couple of suggestions. I wouldn’t use a capital “e” on “enchant.” Yes, all of the other lines begin with caps, but they are all complete sentences. I think it gives a nice visual effect for a continued sentence to begin the line with a small letter. (But that’s just me.)
I don’t want to be a comma “smart aleck.” I just completed “Comma Sense,” a class in the “New Horizons Academy. You don’t want a comma after “against my skin.” That comma separates the subject and the verb…a no-no. And you don’t need the comma after “my psyche.” You don’t have to set apart an ending prepositional phrase. It’s a long and beautiful sentence requiring no commas at all. (Violating these rules in the name of “poetic license” is perfectly acceptable!)
This is a beautiful poem filled with emotion and longing. You have achieved a great contrast of hopelessness for the relationship and hope for the future possibilities of the relationship. Your lines drew me right into the spirit of your experience. This is what a poem is supposed to do!
I have a couple of minor suggestions.
In line one I’d do it this way:
“Sometimes I wonder why your face (should) reappear” That will make the use of “reappear” correct.
I’d go ahead and put in the periods at the end of each sentence. That would make the reading a bit easier.
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi Deanna,
I would rather review poetry than any other form of writing! When you requested poetry reviews, you immediately struck a chord with me. It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Living To Die, Living to Live" I offer you the following comments.
“Living to Die, Living to Live” is not a casual piece! I’ve read it about five times, and I’s still not a hundred percent sure of the message of the first stanza. But my feeling is that even the first stanza is the beginning of the writer’s “emancipation.” He is shaking off the fear. He is taking the reins of his own life. There will be no more “good bye” post it notes written for regret. The second stanza is very clear and very encouraging. It identifies the source…”His light.”
My favorite line is ”Now I’m alive,
In the present time.” My opinion is that the present time is the only place of life and joy. The poetic form and the visual appeal are so delightful to me. I can see no area for improvement.
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi Deanna,
As you can see, I haven’t made a reviewing template with the various categories. I’m still considering that. “Showering Acts of Joy” is having a huge impact on my reviewing. It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, {item: 1816992}, I offer you the following comments.
This is truly beautiful! I confess to having a little tear when I read this a couple of times. It is filled with sentiment and poignancy. Your lines absolutely drew me into the tenderness of your love and the “hope against hope” that this love would flourish again. I am a hopeless romantic. This poem was BORN for the hopeless romantic!
You didn’t find it necessary to use flowery language here. Part of the beauty of this piece is its very simplicity of phrase. It sort of tip-toes. It is absolutely enchanting.
I hesitate to make any suggestion at all. These are not crucial to the overall effect of the poem:
“But I know,
and you know” (“that” is assumed)
“time keeps ticking(,)
and life moves on.”
Two clauses joined by “and” use a comma.
and
“in a land unknown”(,)
would be best with a comma.
What a perfectly delightful story! And what keen insight into what “makes you tick.” You write with rich word pictures…vivid images. Your pace is crisp and captivating. You draw me right into the feelings of the adventure. You take me from desperate-to-please; to “uh-oh, what did I do?”; to euphoria at being trusted with a serious mission; to sudden panic; to conniving; to heavy guilt; and finally to resolution and perspective. (Don’t shut me out of “Punctuation Station” based on this nightmare sentence!) Methinks this little incident was one of those formative moments for you.
By the way, I LOVE the mention of the flowered feed sacks! For us, there was no outgrowing them. My mother cut them up and sewed dresses and shirts all the way through elementary school. Happily, there were some masculine patterns too.
Pat, nobody has to remind you how intelligent you are. That’s pretty clear! But look over your own story…of all the attributes of little girl Pat, “dumb” wasn’t even on the horizon!
Thanks for a great read and for sharing this little peek into your heart.
What a great joy it is for me to read your little masterpiece! Your story is absolutely rich with long sentences offering a smorgasbord of comma usage! (I wouldn’t have given that much thought a month ago.) However, that’s not the big point today, is it. The poignancy…the incredible poignancy…that’s the big point today.
I love every word of this! Here are a couple of my very favorites:
“To be called “friend” by Loy was an honor. She never judged or criticized. She spoke softly, with directness, honesty, truth and mostly love.”
and
“Winnie, let’s talk about this. Surely, our two great minds can figure this out.”
You close the piece with two incredible metaphors. Surely they are straight out of the mind of God! (If he’s a poet) My guess is that he is.
“Soar on, little martins. Delight in your flight. Winter is upon us. This is the end of summer.”
and
“… and touched the clouds with her martins.”
Thanks for including a tiny error so that your humble students can participate!
You wrote, “Emergency surgery was preformed” should be “performed.”
May God richly bless you, Winnie. Thanks so much for sharing this with us now.
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi Carol,
My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. I found another poem of yours through the “Showering Acts of Joy” group. It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Curse of the Setting Moon " , I offer you the following comments.
This is truly outstanding! It’s not every day that I get to read a poem from the perspective of a werewolf. One of the unusual strengths of this work is that you have succeeded in being the she-wolf. I find that to be so refreshing. You have achieved a dependable meter and a marvelous rhyme scheme. These make the poem an absolute pleasure to read. I also like the frequent internal rhyme within the lines. For example:
“Time opportune brings night's attune”
and
“Eyes, blind to see; ears, deaf to plea.”
You are a very artistic “word weaver,” my friend.
I have very little to suggest to you! You’ll probably catch this one anyway: “wisened” should be “wizened.” You’ve gone to the trouble to punctuate the piece Thank you for that! If it were mine, I would use upper and lower case words to begin each line, rather than simply using caps for every opening word. But that’s just me!
This is superior! How exceedingly helpful! Know what? I was away from “Showering Acts of Joy” for a few days in the rush. Last night I did a couple of reviews for them. I completely forgot to post my review links into the forum! DUH! So this article has immediately helped an “old feller”!
You wrote: “You will learn to find a healthy balance between "honest" and "encouraging," as you grow in your +reviewing skills.” Why the + before ‘reviewing skills’?
I appreciate this a lot. I’ll go from here and read your other article. Bob
Hi Silver. What a beautiful and poignant piece! You write in a way that stirs the reader’s emotions. That’s a sign of a good writer!
I have some suggestions on your commas and periods. (I’m a comma and period freak!) Feel free to ignore my comments. Your poem is a part of yourself, and it is indeed beautiful.
Days go by without a call, I wonder why, (I’d make both periods)
I lost you once, a long time ago, I wonder why, ( (I’d make the last two periods.)
Tears run, down my face, and you're not here, ( (no punctuation here)
to wipe them away, ( (period) I wonder why.
I feel my chest, heavy with grief, ( (period) I wonder why.
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi Yellow Rose,
My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. I found your poem through the “Showering Acts of Joy” group. It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Afraid of the Dark" , I offer you the following comments.
This is a very good poem, and it is deeply meaningful. Your first stanza poses a question that I can’t answer right away. I like that. You pose two possibilities…emptiness and loneliness. You could have said “desolation” and “isolation.” The meaning would have been about the same. (Just thinking out loud here.)
Your poem is well designed. It keeps on posing questions: seven questions in all. The last two begin to give the answer. Your communication is straight forward and effective. I especially like these two lines:
“Do you lose your sight of the light”
and
“Look past the dark with your heart”
I can’t see much room for improvement! I would use punctuation. That’s just a personal bias. I’d make a couple tiny changes in the last line:
“He asks (you) only to love Him. That is all”
I like this! I like it a lot. I like the drama of this poem. You set the stage early, in your lines:
“A kind, gentle being,
With disastrous blightings?
I get the feeling this is going to be a poem expressing both the beauty of nature and the ominous side. I love the line,
“She is earth's heaven.”
That has such a lovely feel. And I love the line,
“Berries, Cherries, Ivies, Lilies, Daisies.”
What an absolute dance of spring!
Then you turn the poem to the consequences of Mother Nature’s stress. And your last stanza sums up the whole poem quite well.
Here are a few tiny spelling corrections that you’ll catch in proofreading:
Disaterous should be disastrous.
Nourshes should be nourishes.
seagluls should be seagulls
dependant should be dependent.
Other than that, I see no need for change! You have written a beautiful and significant Poem! Thanks for a great read. Bob
(Are you Audra? I just spoke to you earlier today, but I forgot…early onset senility!)
This is delightful. It is beyond delightful! It is a fast-moving tale of great interest, sure to charm your students. (I pray) I loved every word.
You may recall that Moses asked God his name. He wanted to tell the pharaoh who had sent him. God answered, “I am that I am. Tell him ‘I Am’ has sent you.” As a youngster, I thought that was a terribly strange name. As I grew in understanding, I realized what a potent name it is. If you bump into old “Is,” tell him how lofty his name really is…or a derivative of his name.
Thank you for sending this along today, Winnie, lest we forget. Did you write the early part of the story just from your heart and your imagination? In any case, it is beautiful and full of poignant meaning. Very few Americans will see this Sunday as a "regular day."
This is outstanding…way beyond outstanding! I wish I had thought of it. For a while, I thought I was just reading a delightful short story. I had no idea it held historic value. And I also learned a lot from the content. Thanks for a great read! Bob
Good going Dave! I figured it wouldn’t be too difficult to write a poem of this form…but it might be real difficult to make it say anything! You have done both, and quite beautifully. Your poem indeed “evokes … elegant beauty.” Thanks for a great read! Bob
What an outstanding poem! What a terrible hurt. You deal with it well, presenting the intense pain on the one side, and the sorrowful regret on the other. Your poem stirs deep emotion in the reader. It also holds out hope that this wound will heal in time. Great writing!
Bob
And congratulations on taking the top honors for your poem!
I love this! I always enjoy an acrostic, and this one is done with expertise. There are no forced words in the group. The overall feeling of the poem smacks of teacher! Who better to so appreciate the season of “mounds of relaxation”? My favorite line is “Enjoying whispers of new freedom.” What a word weaver you are! Thanks for a great read.
What a captivating story! Your writing drew me in immediately. I felt like I was there. Remind me never to get on the bad side of Catherine! Ending the story without telling the outcome was a nice touch. It leaves a lot to the imagination of the reader. I wish I could offer you some constructive suggestions, but I really can’t spot any areas where improvement is needed. And your grammar and punctuation are spot-on. Thanks for a great read.
Whoa! What a first class idea…you forget your OWN birthday! I absolutely love it. (I was somewhat distracted from my reading by them little dancing chickadees!) This is a homerun Pat. If you don’t win the gold, then somebody got to the judges.
You sprinkled this story with lovely little pieces: the hottest act in Vegas, Opra, Prince Charles and Lady Kate, and (my favorite) working for chicken feed! And I love your spot-on word count.
There doesn’t seem to be a place to post a comment, like there should be at the bottom of a blog. It’s not a problem, but I’d love to see how the others respond.
Bob
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bbuc15/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.31 seconds at 6:29pm on Apr 26, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
