You opened up my whole childhood in North Carolina, with just a few well chosen and beautiful words. THANK you, Champlain! God bless you. You are truly an artist with your pen.
I "discovered" you, when you submitted to "Inspirations". I'm one of the two judges. Will review that poem after the contest closes tomorrow at midnight.
I'm in Hattiesburg, MS, an hour and a half from the gulf. But I did 20 years in Brandon, near Jackson...been to Memphis many times.
You are a POET! And you have such a wide variety of interests and skills. I have been looking around your port.
I discovered you when you submitted your poem to "Inspirations". I will give you a rating and review on that one, at the first of the month. We wait until all entries are in, then judge them. Thanks for submitting it. It is GOOD!
This poem is also very good. You have a natural gift for rhyme and rhythm. This makes your poetry absolutely enjoyable to read.
At twelve years old, you have something of a heavy heart regarding love! You are really good at expressing emotion, and evoking the emotion of the reader.
Your vivid and direct writing style makes reading a delight. And what a marvelous story! I'm thinking what you saw was pretty close to reality. I've long since given up heaven as "golden streets". How boring would THAT be! And I'm sure "God" is much bigger than an old guy with a beard.
And to hell with hell! That's all symbolic! When we "step over" it is going to be into love, peace and knowledge.
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
WOW! What an epic story! I myself like happy endings. But alas, life and lore do not always deliver happy endings, right?
This is also a near-epic accomplishment! (Just my humble opinion) I find it very challenging to maintain such incredible consistence with the rhyme and meter. And I LOVE the cadence of this form! It gives the right mood for such a narrative.
I might place a comma between ”The giant’s breath”, and ”the blizzard fanned”, as this line is not in the most logical sequence. Just a thought.
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
This is very good., Your expressions are subtle. They don’t knock my socks off, but they skillfully weave a mood, deep with emotion. There is an overall beauty in this poem. Then there are specific phrases that cause me to stop and think.
”O wintry night, what will you bring?” This has a certain old fashioned beauty.
”These intervals of metamorphasis” I’d expect metamorphasis to be a continuous process. This is a good reminder for me.
”Naivete being dismissed without regard” Sad but true.
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
This is very thoughtful. Your first line caught my attention, and set the mood for the whole poem. Your rhyme scheme is perfect. Your word pictures are vivid. Your choice of phrases contribute to the heavy theme of the poem.
I especially like:
”Feet hit hollow ground
Black grin of haunted sky”
and ”a life we do not know…
but on we walk, on we go”
In the second line I don’t believe you need the comma after “below”. To me it sounds like the sky is below the scene,
WOW! Perfect in every way! I love this! But then, as you know, I'm a total freak for the Shakespearean sonnet!
You have a great vocabulary, my friend. I had to look up "calumny". I learned that "slander" would have been OK here. But of course it did not offer three syllables. I'm curious whether you knew this word, or if you sought help in Roget's Thesauras...as I would have done!
Anyway, I love to learn something new.
And again, you NAILED one of life's great truths: forgiveness is an essential key to happiness. (Gratitude is another).
This is EPIC! It is a home run! It is deeply moving.
I'm impressed with your historic accuracy in this account. You've written as you were an eye witness. And your account simply takes me there.
I'm curious about the form. I noticed you switched to eleven syllables in fifth stanza. And you used nine syllables from time to time. Otherwise, you wrote in excellent iambic pentameter.
I say excellent for this reason: Many people attempt iambic pentameter. They get the syllable count correct, but the meter just doesn' READ correctly. It is quite a skill to do it right...and to do so consistently...and without any awkward formations.
Your iambic pentameter is SPOT ON in the first three stanzas. Then you switch to eight syllables in the closing couplet. The rhyme scheme is abba, which differes from the Shakespearean abab. It is an interesting sonnet form.
But the message is the big point here! And you spoke the Christian message with grace and truth. You have skillfully built the message from start to finish, with the closing couplet making an effective conclusion.
It's nice to read a poem with a twist...sort of a surprise ending. Everything leads the reader to believe he has left you broken hearted. How I love a happy ending!
You have a very good writing style, and a gift for description. Keep up the good work!
The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my suggestions, or to disregard them. My rating: 5…perfect, no room for improvement; 4…way out in front of the pack; 3…on par with the average writer here. This is a good rating; 2…needs improvement; 1…I’d rethink this one.
WOW! This moves me deeply. I love your direct style and forward motion. I love your rich word pictures. Here are my favorites:
”A sweet singsong cool and refreshing tilted me to your presence.”
And
”Into the labyrinths of my heart”.
I love the certain confidence of the writer’s love. Here’s one suggestion. After the fifth line in the second stanza, I’d use a period instead of a dash.
The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my suggestions, or to disregard them. My rating: 5…perfect, no room for improvement; 4…way out in front of the pack; 3…on par with the average writer here. This is a good rating; 2…needs improvement; 1…I’d rethink this one.
This is heavy! It is well thought-out and well written. The pain of the writer is seen in the first line, and intensifies throughout the piece. You are able to invoke deep emotion.
I’d rethink placing a period at the end of each line. It would work just as well to use no punctuation. If you keep the periods, notice that there four lines without them.
I APPLAUD you! This is a wonderful message, in a brief and concise poem. You evoke deep emotions...and appropriate. May God bless you for your patriotism and for your investment in America.
I share your deep patriotic heart, and love for our soldiers everywhere. Thank you for this.
Disclaimer: My suggestions are just that…suggestions. This is your poem! It is beautiful, for that reason alone. I am extremely grateful to you for submitting to “Inspirations”. My ratings: 5…perfect, with no room for improvement; 4…way out in front of the pack; 3…on par with the average writer here, also a strong rating; 2…room for improvement; 1…I suggest rethinking this one.
Hi Dave,
Wow! This is incredibly beautiful! You have ANILED the 12 syllables per line, and I don’t see a single awkward phrase. Your metaphors and word pictures are warm, sensual and believable. You are SUCH a romantic…you make me wish I were there.
Disclaimer: My suggestions are just that…suggestions. This is your poem! It is beautiful, for that reason alone. I am extremely grateful to you for submitting to “Inspirations”. My ratings: 5…perfect, with no room for improvement; 4…way out in front of the pack; 3…on par with the average writer here, also a strong rating; 2…room for improvement; 1…I suggest rethinking this one.
Hello, Shi salutes windsongcastle,
Beautiful! Simply beautiful. I love this because I also love the changing seasons. I am 65, and I can relate. I am a fool for rhyme and meter, which you do quite well. Your poem is about very serious issues, and yet it has a sparkle of humor, just under the surface.
In the fifth line, I would say, ”like saying goodbye to a (dear) old friend”
In the last line, I would say, ”And leave behind (the) warmth that youth permits.”
To me, these minor changes would make your meter spot-on perfect, without changing the meaning.
Disclaimer: My suggestions are just that…my suggestions. This is your poem! It is beautiful for that reason alone. I am extremely grateful to you for submitting it to “Inspirations”. My ratings: 5…perfect, with no room for improvement; 4…way out there in front of the pack; 3…on par with the average writer here, also a strong rating; 2…room for improvement; 1…I suggest rethinking this one.
This is very good! You have an unusual ability to express deep and important truths, while keeping a modicum of humor.
I like: ”slipping down the sieve”
“Our leaders are insane”
“They stomp their feet…they do the dance”
Only the third stanza turns, heart and soul, to the central message…there is no levity here! This is most poignant: ”The piece we seek within our days defines our common goals.”
Your poem has very good balance. Here’s a tiny suggestion. In the third stanza, ”with smiles and deceit” could use another word…perhaps “coy deceit, lame deceit, huge deceit”? Just a thought.
I'm trying to find the deep, deep meaning here...and not doing much good. I'm going with your disclaimer, "These are not meant to be particularly serious."
I guess we could go with, "Even a stinking rat deserves love".
or
Some people are so desolate they would love a rat. (prisoners in the penitentiary, etc. etc.)
But I'm just content to enjoy yet another example of Ben Langhinrichs' slightrly sarcastic, irreverent, satirical, and totally delightful humor.
Time for the grim and gruesome? (With a bit of tongue in cheek) I LIKE it! (remind me not to mess with you!
I like the absolutely perfect rhyme scheme and syllable count.
Since you are also a "meter man", you already know that stanza four, line one is a tiny exception to 100 percent perfect meter. The word "wonder" would not normally have the emphasis on the second syllable, as it needs to have here...hardly a point even worth mentioning.
I LOVE it! What a beautiful expression of writer’s block, laced with imagination and humor. (well beautiful, except possibly the last line!) But I was a farmer’s son, so the last line rings true for me.
How often would most of have to say, ”I thought I had the process pegged.” Also insightful is the line, ”I have the check, but need the cash”
WOW! Totally delightful! The narrative here is extremely interesting. The reader is led along in fascination. The plot unfolds: "I saw no trace
Of house or hostel, shack or shed". Then, "Then through the leafy boughs, a peek, A stony tower, old and vast."
And again the traveler went twice around the base and found no opening...but upon further searching, he spotted the tiny opening up above.
When you mentioned the golden hair, I thought of Rapunzel for the first time, and was delighted to see that she was the one!
Again, your rhyme and meter absolutely amaze me. It seems to flow out of you with ease.
My only suggestion...this might make it a bit smoother:
"Which some late mighty hand had hewn
And piled high, with aches and moans,"
could be:
"Which mighty hand had lately hewn
And piled (so) high, with aches and moans," (This line needs the one more syllable to make it perfect from top to bottom.
Very poignant and appealing. It brings back the mental image of carving your lover's name on a tree with your own, and perhaps a heart, if you were artistic.
I like the mystical mix, with the tangible. I like the way the lovers' future is cast upon an uncertain fate.
I LOVE it! (If you can WRITE a baker's dozen in August, I'll bet I can review the baker's dozen in September)
This poem sounds more serious than it is. (Unless, of course, you've been a child entering a new school)
Of course I love the great rhyme scheme and meter. I see only one (MINOR) acception to perfect beat. It is the word "under" in the first stanza. The word "below" would make the meter perfect...but it might not be as good, artistically.
In the third stanza, I'd use "beat" instead of "feet". But that's just me.
I LOVE it! (as mentioned above)
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