Absolutely enchanting! Your word pictures and metaphors simply ring in my heart. Who IS she, this enchantress? Your story line gives the reader room to answer that question for himself. She is definitely a messenger from God. Were it not for these two lines, I could easily conclude that she IS God. (I have long since given up calling him/her "him".):
"In this world she yearns to stay."
and
"She rides the wind again in search of her dreams."
These two lines assign her human traits. But hey, Jesus Christ was fully man while being fully God.
Very beautiful and very readable. This is light hearted and airy on the surface...a true delight. And underneath that, what a significant commentary of life and the planet we all inhabit.
favorite line:
"to a world in need of repair."
Sherri, I meant to mention...you have the most beautiful sigs I have seen in a long time.
I'm reading along...and the metaphors and ideas seem brand new to me. (yeah, yeah, early onset senility) Maybe it is due to my earlier reading, sort of hovering in my subconcious mind.
At any rate, Brandy, this seems to me a most significant and beautiful poem! There is SO much I love here. "The ire of man"...what a potent phrase!
(OK now for my own special bias...the rythm is so close to PERFECT! I can't STAND it! I desire for it to BE perfect!
Don't feel at all influenced to make ANY changes, Brandy. I'm simply showing you how I might have done it. (I like to believe this is a poem I might easily have written myself.)
The Ire of Man
Frost once thought the world would end
with fire or ice (...) there's more, my friend.
Within man's soul, (an ancient swell:)
more fire and ice than (found in hell)
And if the world shall come to end
with feiry hell or frosty wind,
I think that man shall meet his death
in hateful thoughts and icy breath.
For even with a beating heart,
what good if frigid words impart
(If) cold and vacant eyes do stare,
what good is sight (if) wasted there.
Hands, with angry flames, make fists
and choose to act in violence,
and arms once made to give embrace,
with hate, wound body, soul and face.
If the world shall end with ice or fire,
will it be from man's cold hearted ire?
-------------------
Just my two cents' worth!!
In any case, the haunting and suggestive question is contained in your last two lines.
This is VERY GOOD! It has a good balance of lightness, and deadly seriousness. You have a real gift of telling a story. And your message is a very important one.
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
This is dreamy and beautiful, sensual and compelling. Your rich wordings seem to roll off my tongue with delight. The “Ullr” was a new one on me. I looked him up. He is not only a god of justice and dueling, he is also a ski god, well qualified to “make us look in awe at the snow-white kingdom.” I also love your colorful contrasts:
icy hand of winter
Cruel hand of winter
Kind hand of winter
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
Wow! You pack a punch in a very few words. From the very start, you convey intense emotion, and a feeling of desperation. There is also isolation, and a sense of resignation at the end, nearly despair.
The middle stanza seems to reach out for an answer…what went wrong? It has forsaken me.” But then you assume personal responsibility… ”I refuse to see.”
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
This is very dramatic and deeply moving. It is also intensely romantic. I am moved by the dogged determination of the writer to overcome all obstacles, ”Because, out there, somewhere, you wait….” This is a beautiful line. You speak in vivid word pictures, throughout the poem…very effective.
Two minor corrections:
In line four, you have “the the”.
and
In line seven, it should be “my nose feels” instead of “my nose feel”.
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
This is an absolute masterpiece of rich and sensual delight! It is a celebration of pure love and adoration. It stirs deep emotion is me. Your beautiful word pictures simply take me there. I LOVE the animal spirits.
I hesitate to even TOUCH this poem with my suggestions. If I wrote it, I would say, “broken tree” instead of ”the broken tree”. To me this lends the line additional poetic expression. The same is true of the raccoon stanza. I would drop the second and third “he”.
You have a true gift of poetic art! Thanks for this poem.
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
This is very intense. You convey the desperate need of a person looking to God for the answer for their painful grief. (This, by the way, is the right place to look.) You achieve an interesting contrast between the beauty of life, and the “darkest hour”.
I noticed three small corrections you might want to make. In the second stanza, I don’t think the semi-colon is needed after, “Not one”. In the third stanza, “lie” should be “lies”. This is subtle, but think of ”the strength…lies within my roots.” In the last stanza, did you mean “me” instead of “my”?
I love your opening line, ”Life is so beautiful to behold.”
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
Are you a newcomer to “Inspirations”? Welcome! Thanks for submitting this fine poem. Your message is very significant, and often overlooked. We pray, and then hope God will “do it”. We neglect the fact that God wants us to pray, and then get busy helping with the need.
Your rhyme scheme is pleasing. It would be perfect if you wanted to make a tiny change in stanza five: use the singular form of “prayer” and “plea”. Just a thought.
You also have an easy rhythm that makes for enjoyable reading.
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
I like this a lot. It feels both mellow and intense. It begins with a light-hearted feel, yet it spans the lifetime of the individual. I like your series of word pictures in the first stanza, and then in the second.
”a nascent ray, a tiny bud, a drop of dew” This begins with simple beauty. Then the picture becomes more significant with the words, ”in Your own image”. At this point I recognized the human journey.
”Befriending the dog and the cat,
The fish, the fairies and the toys.”
I like the fact that “fairies” are included in this series. This could be a simple listing of childhood things…but to my, you open the door to the “other side”.
I also like your theme of surrender. So often it is in surrender that we find ourselves truly in the flow of the river.
I would add a comma, in the second stanza, after “merrily”, and after “creation”. Then your punctuation will be consistent throughout.
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
I like this a lot. I immediately pick up the rhythm and emotion of the dance. I am taken back into early Indian lore, and the feeling is good. Next, I read of ”The carefully bent chewing tobacco can lids”, and it occurs to me to wonder if they had cans for chewing tobacco “back then”. Then I get the picture, ”Fancy feathers on a string replace the eagle plumes”. Now I know that this is a modern day portrayal of the “ancient trail”, and the dancer is aware of the reaction of the audience.
Now the dancer gets an unexpected call from his ancesters, who do not approve of this modern version. They admonish him to ”Take your place upon sacred Mother Earth.”
This has a lot of deep feeling for me. All of need an occasional admonition to embrace the sacred traditions, and keep them from being cheapened.
You may want to place a quotation mark after “sacred Mother Earth”.
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
You sound like a “north-born baby” to me! As a minimum, I’m sure you’ve been there – done that!
This is very beautiful. Your vivid word pictures give me the experience of being there. I like your progression from “swan’s down fingers” and “feather touches” to “gnashing teeth” and bruising knuckles”, all picturing snow and ice.
Here’s a thought. To me the last two stanzas form one picture instead of two. I’d use “And” to connect them, instead of “But”. Just a thought.
You opened up my whole childhood in North Carolina, with just a few well chosen and beautiful words. THANK you, Champlain! God bless you. You are truly an artist with your pen.
I "discovered" you, when you submitted to "Inspirations". I'm one of the two judges. Will review that poem after the contest closes tomorrow at midnight.
I'm in Hattiesburg, MS, an hour and a half from the gulf. But I did 20 years in Brandon, near Jackson...been to Memphis many times.
You are a POET! And you have such a wide variety of interests and skills. I have been looking around your port.
I discovered you when you submitted your poem to "Inspirations". I will give you a rating and review on that one, at the first of the month. We wait until all entries are in, then judge them. Thanks for submitting it. It is GOOD!
This poem is also very good. You have a natural gift for rhyme and rhythm. This makes your poetry absolutely enjoyable to read.
At twelve years old, you have something of a heavy heart regarding love! You are really good at expressing emotion, and evoking the emotion of the reader.
Your vivid and direct writing style makes reading a delight. And what a marvelous story! I'm thinking what you saw was pretty close to reality. I've long since given up heaven as "golden streets". How boring would THAT be! And I'm sure "God" is much bigger than an old guy with a beard.
And to hell with hell! That's all symbolic! When we "step over" it is going to be into love, peace and knowledge.
I had not encountered this form before. You speak a lifetime of truth in a few vivid lines. This packs a real emotional punch. This is an insight that needs broad realization.
Pat, the link at the bottom is invalid. Was this to be a description of the form?
It's a pleasure to be linked with you in the "Journey".
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
This is very significantm, and needs to be heard. Your writing style seems appropriate to set the mood. I love the light irony in, ”Seven years to avenge it are not enough perhaps.”
”…so far have a defeat been spared” is awkward to me.
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
WOW! What an epic story! I myself like happy endings. But alas, life and lore do not always deliver happy endings, right?
This is also a near-epic accomplishment! (Just my humble opinion) I find it very challenging to maintain such incredible consistence with the rhyme and meter. And I LOVE the cadence of this form! It gives the right mood for such a narrative.
I might place a comma between ”The giant’s breath”, and ”the blizzard fanned”, as this line is not in the most logical sequence. Just a thought.
When I receive a review, I appreciate specific suggestions for improvement. Sometimes I act on the ideas, sometimes not. But I always learn something. I hope you will do the same. The suggestions made here are only suggestions! Your poem is beautiful, because it is a part of YOU. Feel free to consider my ideas, or to disregard them.
This is very thoughtful. Your first line caught my attention, and set the mood for the whole poem. Your rhyme scheme is perfect. Your word pictures are vivid. Your choice of phrases contribute to the heavy theme of the poem.
I especially like:
”Feet hit hollow ground
Black grin of haunted sky”
and ”a life we do not know…
but on we walk, on we go”
In the second line I don’t believe you need the comma after “below”. To me it sounds like the sky is below the scene,
WOW! Perfect in every way! I love this! But then, as you know, I'm a total freak for the Shakespearean sonnet!
You have a great vocabulary, my friend. I had to look up "calumny". I learned that "slander" would have been OK here. But of course it did not offer three syllables. I'm curious whether you knew this word, or if you sought help in Roget's Thesauras...as I would have done!
Anyway, I love to learn something new.
And again, you NAILED one of life's great truths: forgiveness is an essential key to happiness. (Gratitude is another).
Thanks for this!
Bob
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