Disclaimer: My suggestions are just that…suggestions. This is YOUR poem, and it is beautiful, because it contains a piece of you. Feel free to take my suggestions, or not. My rating: 5: perfect…no room for improvement; 4: way out there in front of the pack; 3: On a par with the average writer on this site…still a good rating; 2: room for improvement; 1: needs rethinking.
Hi Dave,
This is intensely clever! It is also an intriguing idea I had not seen before…and IT WORKS! Very good word pictures and vivid language.
At first I thought the poem consisted of six random stanzas. Upon reading it more carefully I think I see it differently. It is about a writer. (Perhaps the very writer of the poem) He is described in the first stanza. The next two stanzas describe his dreams. Then he is further described in the fourth stanza, and the next two stanzas continue to describe his dreams, and perhaps his ideas for writing.
The last stanza summarizes all of the above.
The amazing thing to me is that each stanza is well present, with no strain or stretch. For me, there were a couple minor exceptions. I read the first five stanzas in total enjoyment. Then I came to “spouting vulgar sounds.” For me that didn’t totally work, but that may just be me. It is certainly consistent with pirate ruffians. Maybe I just hesitated because it wasn’t as pretty as the rest of it.
In the last line, I think we would expect “lace to bind this web”. Since you need the word “bound”, you might consider “Lace bound to this web”. Just a thought.
Disclaimer: My suggestions are just that…suggestions. This is YOUR poem, and it is beautiful, because it contains a piece of you. Feel free to take my suggestions, or not. My rating: 5: perfect…no room for improvement; 4: way out there in front of the pack; 3: On a par with the average writer on this site…still a good rating; 2: room for improvement; 1: needs rethinking.
Hi, NOVAcatmando,
I LOVE your pen name! And I love this delightful poem! This is one of those poems that speaks deeply, while keeping a direct, almost casual flavor.
I love that you achieved perfect rhyme scheme and meter, without being forced into any awkward phrasing. I love that you opened and closed the poem with the prompt.
Disclaimer: My suggestions are just that…suggestions. This is YOUR poem, and it is beautiful, because it contains a piece of you. Feel free to take my suggestions, or not. My rating: 5: perfect…no room for improvement; 4: way out there in front of the pack; 3: On a par with the average writer on this site…still a good rating; 2: room for improvement; 1: needs rethinking.
Hi ShiShad,
I am SO impressed that you spent additional time on this poem, to make it more beautiful. This is a lesson a friend has been teaching me: do some WORK on your poem; make it more than it was at the first writing.
This is a direct and beautiful statement of a clear fact…the love of this couple. I like the way you used the prompt at the end of each stanza, and that you gave each one a slightly different “spin.”
For myself, I would say heavenly “sound” instead of heavenly “ring”. I guess ring makes me thing of ringing ears…not so comfortable. But that’s just me!
Disclaimer: My suggestions are just that…suggestions. This is YOUR poem, and it is beautiful, because it contains a piece of you. Feel free to take my suggestions, or not. My rating: 5: perfect…no room for improvement; 4: way out there in front of the pack; 3: On a par with the average writer on this site…still a good rating; 2: room for improvement; 1: needs rethinking.
Hi, Jaya,
Incredible! This is a rich feast of sensual delight: first in nature, then in music. Your word pictures and metaphors are vivid, taking me right into the middle of your poem.
I like the fact that you used the prompt in the chorus, and that you gave it minor variations each time. My favorite line:
Disclaimer: My suggestions are just that…suggestions. This is YOUR poem, and it is beautiful, because it contains a piece of you. Feel free to take my suggestions, or not. My rating: 5: perfect…no room for improvement; 4: way out there in front of the pack; 3: On a par with the average writer on this site…still a good rating; 2: room for improvement; 1: needs rethinking.
Hi Ben,
Incredible! Incredible!
It couldn’t be a simple matter to NAIL this complex form, as you have done. I’ve never seen this style, but I love it. This style is delightful to read, with its lilting, consistent, almost musical feel.
You develop the narrative with precision and growing emotion. Your line, ”a futile search for you I know…you stayed at home today”: How poignant!
You’ve truly knocked one out of the ball park, my friend!
WOW! This is wonderful! You speak as one who came from another land, and as one who loves the deep truths of our country, and as one who sees the problems, yet embraces the dream. You speak for Americans...as an American. You speak for MANY Americans...including me!
This invokes powerful emotion, and speaks significant truth. And it does so in near PERFECT rhyme scheme and meter!
You have ownership on this excellent piece. So this suggestion is just me (since I am a rhyme and meter freak) In stanza five, I'd say:
"But in this day and hour we are
At war within our lines"
Is there ANYthing you don't do well? This is incredible. It unfolds with such poignancy. It is so rich with word pictures that are repeated with the progression of the work. And how I love a happy ending, and one with rich sensuality.
This is playful, clever, tongue-in-cheek and deliciously irreverent. To me it is even better than your first Ballade. You NAILED the required rhyme scheme and syllable count without awkward words or phrasing. I also love the play on words carried in your chorus, ”Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder!”
This is very intense. The poem seizes the emotions of the reader immediately, and holds them to the very end. It is a mix-master of impressions, not necessarily consistent. This is obviously part of the intention of the poem, as reflected in the words, ” A tug of war, a distance afar.
Back and forth, this drug of charm.”
This struggle between positive and negative factors seems to be the one consistent thread throughout the poem. The poem itself becomes an example of what it describes: human disfunction.
This is wonderful! It is filled with sardonic humor. It is written with tight rhyme scheme and syllable count. The opening line instantly sets the tone: ”The eight o’clock to London town sounds like it was written by someone who has been there. I also love the line, ”It creeps you there and crawls you back.”
I want to mention that I have “tightened up” my rating numbers, taking a cue from the leaders of WDC. Briefly, here is what the numbers mean to me: 5: Perfect…I can see no room for improvement; 4: Above average…way out in the front of the pack; 3: Average…still a good rating…on a level with most of the writers on this site; 2: Needs some attention; 1: Needs total overhaul. Bear in mind, these are just my opinions.
This is clever, interesting and well written. The literal story stretches credibility a bit. But I see this poem as an overall metaphor for a couple of strong principles: “Don’t judge a book by its cover” , and “Rise above the herd”. Your descriptions are vivid…it is easy for me to place myself right in the middle of the story. You build the narrative well as the poem proceeds.
One line seems to be inconsistent: “The injustice eats at my heart as they break the weak.” The truth would be “as they THINK they break the weak.” But of course at this in the point it appears that they are actually “breaking the weak”. So it works, as written.
Thank you for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”!
I want to mention that I have “tightened up” my rating numbers, taking a cue from the leaders of WDC. Briefly, here is what the numbers mean to me: 5: Perfect…I can see no room for improvement; 4: Above average…way out in the front of the pack; 3: Average…still a good rating…on a level with most of the writers on this site; 2: Needs some attention; 1: Needs total overhaul. Bear in mind, these are just my opinions.
Let me tell you…it took a real act of the will for me not to doc you a whole point, for daring me to write one of these poems…the “Ballade”…what an effort! You have done a wonderful job with this impressive poem.
Your rhyme scheme and meter are spot-on perfect…no small feat in this format. The deep emotion grips the reader at once, and only intensifies throughout. Your language is rich and descriptive. You bring the reader directly into the narrative.
Using inversions to get to the rhyme can be awkward. An example of an inversion would be your first two lines. In “normal” speech, you would say, “A drawing of the life I hoped we’d lead was etched upon my soul in line and swirl”. Here, your inversion is not awkward at all! In fact it is the very thing that begins the poem so beautifully. Only two of your lines felt slightly awkward to me: “But senseless fate did not the pattern heed” and “A misplaced seed did fatal wound impart.”
I only noticed one other tiny thing I want to comment on. In the next to last line in the first stanza, strict grammar would require “quickly” instead of “quick”. Maybe, “Envisioned beauty quickly did recede”. But that wouldn’t be as beautiful! I’d probably have done it just like you did.
Again, this is a very fine piece of work! Thank you for submitting it to “Inspirations”!
I want to mention that I have “tightened up” my rating numbers, taking a cue from the leaders of WDC. Briefly, here is what the numbers mean to me: 5: Perfect…I can see no room for improvement; 4: Above average…way out in the front of the pack; 3: Average…still a good rating…on a level with most of the writers on this site; 2: Needs some attention; 1: Needs total overhaul. Bear in mind, these are just my opinions.
I like this! You say so much in crisp, clear lines. I love the meter and rhyme scheme. This has the nostalgia and pathos of a mother lamenting her son, but it would serve to be about lovers too.
These are very descriptive lines: “Mark melee a tango with foes as his friends” The underlying message of the poem, to me, is the misfortunate consequence of not opening up to those who love you.
Thank you for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”!
I want to mention that I have “tightened up” my rating numbers, taking a cue from the leaders of WDC. Briefly, here is what the numbers mean to me: 5: Perfect…I can see no room for improvement; 4: Above average…way out in the front of the pack; 3: Average…still a good rating…on a level with most of the writers on this site; 2: Needs some attention; 1: Needs total overhaul. Bear in mind, these are just my opinions.
I like this a lot. It is filled with rich description. The whole poem can be seen as a metaphor for death, when the soul welcomes it. The gypsy soul never lost sight of the joys of freedom and discovery. And he knew there was more on the “other side.”
My favorite line is, “On gossamer wings to golden shores”.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations”.
I want to mention that I have “tightened up” my rating numbers, taking a cue from the leaders of WDC. Briefly, here is what the numbers mean to me: 5: Perfect…I can see no room for improvement; 4: Above average…way out in the front of the pack; 3: Average…still a good rating…on a level with most of the writers on this site; 2: Needs some attention; 1: Needs total overhaul. Bear in mind, these are just my opinions.
This is well-written…clear and concise. Your rhyme scheme is spot-on perfect, with the exception of “floors” being plural. I wouldn’t change it, because it would require, “Barefoot on the pine floor”, and that doesn’t seem as poetically beautiful to me.
Again, your meter is nearly perfect. It comes off the tongue well balanced and beautiful. I noticed a couple changes I would make, because if I had it this near to perfect, I couldn’t resist: (yet day after day) and (I’ll save the sweet rapture: A very first kiss.) But that’s just me!
This is just my opinion: The poem moved from difficult relationship, to horrible tragedy a bit abruptly, in the fourth stanza. You might possibly add a stanza, and prepare us a bit more for the tragedy.
This is very meaningful writing! Thank you for submitting your piece to “Inspirations”!
Destiny Dances pointed me to this piece. I am sitting here with many tears...tears of joy, expressing how deeply I am moved by this little story.
I experienced similar things when I first joined writing.com...I don't know if I ever expressed them so well.
Your poem, "Whispered Words", submitted to "Inspirations" told me that you are a person with a very special heart. This piece only reinforces that opinion!
I like this a LOT! I like the firm discipline of a set form. You accomplished the perfect rhyme scheme and meter, and you didn’t “force” the words and phrases in order to do so. Your poem has a realistic feel and a delightful progression.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations” and good luck in the judging.
This is a very pleasant stroll down the forest road to the ancient garden. The entire poem has a good feel. I like your rhyme scheme and meter. I like your rich and descriptive word pictures. You manage to take the reader there!
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations” and good luck in the judging.
This is incredible! What a VERY impressive collection of forms, with a single story line tying them together. I like the delightful humor and the happy ending of course.
I also like the fact that you give a description of each form. Many of us will appreciate this, as we enjoy learning new forms.
This piece is a definite five! The only reason I am giving you a 4 ½ is for this particular contest…I don’t believe you used one of the prompts.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations” and good luck in the judging.
This is very good! You express emotion well. I love your word pictures: “Memory hung like a veil of wood smoke on one and all.”
You expand the central event into a larger description of the “peculiar paradise”. Well done!
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations” and good luck in the judging.
This poem brings a very effective expression of intense feelings. Also there is a certain rhythm in your lines that gives the poem a good feel. I like the ray of hope at the end, in the words, “Until someone comes to turn the tide.
Thanks for submitting your poem to “Inspirations” and good luck in the judging.
This is a very charming poem. It has an almost haunting feel. I like the repetitions, and the fact that you used them consistently throughout the piece. This was very effective.
A couple minor grammatical things: "as does her blonde curls" would be better, "as do her blonde curls."
and "she twist the key into its lock" would be better "she twists the key into its lock"
Thanks for submitting your poem to "Inspirations" and good luck in the judging.
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