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1,551 Public Reviews Given
1,552 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
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Review of Mr. Green Eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clearly this is autobiographical and not a fictional story. But it contains an account of your first love and what followed. As a story, I think it may be a bridge too far. You see, most of the piece is devoted to the first romance and ultimate betrayal. The details of what happened afterwards is tacked on as though it was necessary just to end the tale.

I think the ending weakens what is both a charming and deeply tragic story. Told just for itself, without reference to the twists and turns of later life, it's quite a powerful description of young love and the highs and lows it can bring. It's an old tale, witness Romeo and Juliet, but an undying one. It doesn't need the addendum of what happened in the rest of your life. It can stand alone as a touching romance and ultimate failure.

The progression from there straight into meeting your ultimate marriage partner deflates the emotion built in the main part of the story. It's its own story, really, and deserves to be written as such in a completely different piece. I would even dare to suggest, having experienced it myself, that love in later life is deeper, stronger and lasts longer. And that makes it just as affecting a tale as any teenage affair.

Both have their attraction, one through passion and dreams, the other through friendship and steady care for another. Anyway, that's what I think about the story. As regards the writing, it's fine, there are no errors in the grammar or editing, and it flows without lumps and bumps, and at the right pace. You write well, if with a little too much control - a bit of poetic nonsense would draw the reader in even more effectively. And, for that, we need details, odd little things that the two of you shared, even silly things that made you laugh. Give us a glimpse of the memories you have. And don't forget the huge ache that was caused by his treachery. You pass over it a little too lightly with your brief description of a dear John letter. We need to see and feel the despair that preceded the decision to let him off so lightly.

Of course, you may not have intended to open your life to the reader in such a manner. The piece may have been written just to stop holding it to yourself. And that would be fine. But I'm a writer and I write to make people think and feel - so I can't help assuming every writer is the same.

And I'll bet you are. *Wink*

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Beholden
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Review of PrepMo 2020 Day 6  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I'm not sure this was intended to be read and reviewed. At a guess, I'd say it was a first draft that you meant to go back to and extend into a story but never did. It is openly unsure about itself right from the beginning until the end.

But it's here in the Read & Review section so I must presume that it's open to both, especially as it was written in 2020 and that seems too long ago for it to be left incomplete. And I have to start by saying that its first impression is that it's dense. The small font and paragraphs crushed together so that the whole seems a solid cube of text make it daunting to read at best. It desperately needs spreading out with greater space between paragraphs, and a larger font chosen for ease of reading.

Actual reading of the text only makes it more dense. Characters wander in and disappear without reason, they soon become so numerous that all hope of keeping them in order is gone, and the reader is left in the flow of the writer's thoughts on what he has to tell, without a hint of what actually constitutes the story. I have to presume that it's experimental and attempting to demonstrate the story forming in the author's mind. And the reason I assume that is because the writing itself is good. The names and relationships are interesting in spite of being thrown into such a jumble and it becomes frustrating that the story stutters and fails to begin. There is so much interesting material to work with in what is recorded.

That is the greatest weakness in the piece - that there is no story in it. Or that it is so effectively hidden that the reader has no hope of finding it. If the thing is an experiment, it should not really be out there where reviewers can stumble on it. And if it is intentionally unfinished as yet, you should continue to work on it because it has the potential to be very good. I am sure that you intended something to happen in the scenario. The annoying thing is that it doesn't.

Finally, it requires a good editing, at least if you ever finish it. Lines like "There is a bit of drama in whether or not be could procure that," and "him eventually becoming a murder" don't make any sense, because either words are left out or left uncompleted. It's the kind of thing that a decent editor should pick up on first reading.

I know I've been hard on the piece. But, if it is intended to be read, it is surely worth getting right. And there are some things holding it back that are easily fixed. Tell us a little about the characters before introducing the next one. Do the same with any actions - they form the backbone of the story and, if it's left in unconnected pieces, the reader can't make head or tail of it (in more ways than one).

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
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Review of No Home to leave  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is an intense description of being a part of a family with high stress and difficult problems. It's not a matter of abuse, as such, but nevertheless the narrator finds it so oppressive that the only alternative seems to be escape. And yet that's not easy.

It appears to be written almost as a thought experiment, perhaps in an effort to come to a conclusion on action to be taken. In the end it fails in this but may have eased the building despair in the writer. For the reader, it seems a bit too personal to be accessible. Since the problems in the relationships are never detailed, they cannot be fully grasped and appreciated, therefore. The reader feels the pain but not the reasons for it.

So I think it fails in the business of communicating, but that may not have been intended anyway. There are a couple of minor faults that would improve it, even so. The font needs to a be a bit larger as, for anyone without perfect eyesight, it's difficult to read such small print. And the word "breath" is a noun meaning the air sucked into the lungs. The verb is "breathe" and I think this is what you mean.

Apart from that the piece is competently written but I'm unsure of its intent. Keep writing but decide on your target audience - is it a group of readers or just yourself? My advice would be to aim at others.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
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Review of Jim's Chair  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have discovered one of life's important principles. The inanimate servant that is loved becomes ragged and worn with use, precisely because it is always the chosen one. Far from being despised and replaced with something new, it deserves to continue in service, like an old retainer who is too loyal to be let go. Some things, even the inanimate, are lifelong companions.

This is a charming little piece, certainly true in my experience, and most readers will recall similar things that they have loved. But the important point is how the old chair speaks most eloquently of your love for your husband. That the chair now serves you too is surely the proper ending to the heartwarming tale.

In summary, it's a well written, simple but affecting tale that echoes in the memory of reader. And it's without grammatical error or typo - what more could we want?

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a very powerful piece, made the more affecting by the fact that it is truth. None of us now lived in those far off days when transport meant horse drawn buggies and the internal combustion engine was more a gamble than a serious attempt to get humanity moving. But you have captured the very essence of what it must be like, to be entrusted with others' lives in the teeth of a hard winter in a hard country.

The writing is beautiful, spare and economical yet so direct in its communication of emotion. You paint the scene with a word here, a phrase there, and nothing is superfluous, everything so carefully chosen to let the reader understand the true depth of the story.

There is just no way I am going to make any suggestions for improvement. One does not pick at perfect. Wonderful stuff.

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Beholden
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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a very fine tale well told. I particularly like the atmosphere it sets, a worldly wise attitude of having seen it all before. That this is then gradually changed as the doppelganger takes over the protagonist's life, to lead ultimately to paranoia and death, is expertly handled and never clumsily done. It all leads to a sense of impending doom that is entirely appropriate for the genre.

Characterisation is also well done, each character being named appropriately and without lengthy introduction, so that the reader understands very quickly the roles assumed by those in Gloria's life. Everything fits together so neatly and efficiently, as it must in so short a story.

In fact, the story is so well written that I am left with little to say apart from, "Bravo!" It's clear that you should continue to write and provide us with such excellent reads.

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Beholden
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Review of Space Holder  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Surprised I haven't come across this before. I suppose it's different for everyone, dependent entirely on luck or fate as to when in our WDC careers we chance upon this archaeological artefact of great importance. For that is what it is, of course. With your explanation of the need for such a document in the depths of time, we begin to understand at least a little of how it all works and the struggles of its creator. So let's not belittle its place in the scheme of things. I've often wondered about the numbers and whether they reflect the true total of items stored in the WDC vaults. And now I know - we're not quite that productive.

So thank you for all that you've done and this quiet and unassuming reminder of your creativity. Hundreds have benefited from it.

But there is one thing that amuses me. It seems I'm not the only one to have reviewed this precious document. Ninety-six (seven now, I suppose) is a fair indication of how it is appreciated. And that's without even considering the four stars awarded (why not five, I ask myself).

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Beholden
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Review of Bounty  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an entertaining little piece, if a bit short on story. You describe things well, not overstating anything but allowing enough detail for the reader to feel present in what is happening. Your control over pace and development of the story is good, too, without lag or or haste.

I am presuming that the contest limited you to 300 words which explains the lack of a really gripping story. It does need some form of drama if it is going to maintain interest, however. Having chased the android through the universe, it's reasonable to hope for a bit more struggle from the narrator in achieving his goal in the end. Merely crushing the robot with the vehicle seems an anticlimax as a result.

It's flash fiction and requires a snappy ending, therefore. I would suggest a chase, a struggle in which the narrator loses, the android stepping back in triumph only to be mown down by a passing hover-car. It has irony at least which could supply the sting in the tail. It's just a suggestion of the kind of thing the story needs to provide a little spice.

Apart from that, the writing's fine, you're quite competent in that department, and you've edited well, so that there are no grammatical or typing errors. You also handle the science fiction side very well, refusing to get lost in long explanations of the technology and how it works. It's always best just to mention these things and let the reader imagine how it all functions.

Just needs that extra little twist to make it worth the reader's time.

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Beholden
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Review of A Plea  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Love the image of the moments stumbling past. Peeling back curtains ain't bad either. You have a way with words.

This is a tight little poem, sparing with words, but carefully choosing the right ones. It says so much with so little. It's a wonderful concept, likening the experience of mourning to the opening of a house to the breeze to allow the last remnants of the beloved to return. I would hope that, when I die, someone would write a poem that speaks so eloquently of my being missed.

There's more to it as well, since the poet mentions that the one she mourns wasn't resident there - that somehow her love was unrequited. She attempts to capture something of what may never have happened.

It's an aching, longing piece that fully deserves the title of poem. It's been a while since I read anything so effective in drawing emotion from the reader. Certainly, I can offer no improvements to such a perfect piece. You should keep writing.

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Beholden
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Review of I’m scared  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
You describe this as a monologue and that's exactly what it is. If you want it to be more than that, you're going to have to present it in a more digestible fashion. Put yourself in the reader's position and look at the piece. Don't try to read it yet, just look.

It's a massive block of text, isn't it? Hard to imagine a more daunting and uninviting offering for a prospective reader. So that's the first thing you need to do - to break it up into smaller paragraphs that are easier to read.

That's when you're going to find that it's not easy to do because you haven't organised your thoughts. There's no easy way to classify parts of the text as having a common theme or purpose. So where do we put the paragraph breaks? It's something you need to work on, getting thought in order before writing it down, but there's time for that. Right now it's going to help if you just introduce paragraph breaks, even if arbitrarily.

The next thing that needs tackling is text size, the font chosen. It's too small. Make it one or two sizes larger and immediately the piece becomes more legible.

Now it becomes possible for someone to read it and tell you what they think of it. And at this point, I have to consider what you've written. It's a long tale of indecision and uncertainty, isn't it? But you have some things going for you. For one, you've decided to write it down. That's a first step to getting things in perspective. And it displays motivation - the very thing you've been wondering about. The very fact of writing means that you, in some way, wish to communicate. It also puts you in the present. You're recording how you feel at the moment of writing.

And that is, perhaps, the most important point of all. Never mind the future - it takes care of itself. And let go the past - it's done now and need have no further hold on you. It's what you're doing now that is important. All this wishing you were something and could do certain things, and then finding that you aren't and can't. It's wasted effort. Best to start from what you are and work with what you have.

This is all life advice and beyond my remit really. The place where I can help you is in the writing (and you could start that by making things more readable, as suggested) and you've made a start on that. All you need do now is remember that you write to be read. Everyone does, whether they admit it to themselves or not. So always write for others to read and understand. Even if you don't really understand yourself.

It's a noble undertaking and will open the way into a fuller life. But you still have to choose to do it.

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Beholden
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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a difficult one to review. It has moments of bright brilliance and others of dark confusion, and I'm unsure just how intended it all is. This, for instance is pure poetry:

"Imagine a leaf floating endlessly in a tunnel
A tunnel leading to a bank of light
Light leading to other doors
Doors opening to patches of sky and a beach in uproar"

But then consider this sentence:

"I could be older or it could still be that night charged with electric ghosts and chilling voices and reptilian hiss at the bus station I could feel of an ugly creature with bloodshot eyes."

What does it mean? I feel as if there are words and phrases left out that would otherwise bring everything together. This occasional descent into words thrown together without apparent intent destroys the sense and emotion built so effectively in other parts of the narrative. Although the piece is interesting and contains some marvellous imagery, in the end it leaves the reader with no idea of what it's about.

And that's annoying. The writer obviously has a rich vocabulary and learning to draw on but needs to connect things in a more logical way so that the reader doesn't get lost. Just because a word or phrase is beautiful doesn't mean that it has to go in. If the piece claims to be a story, then a story it must be and things must follow in some sort of logical order. Otherwise it's just a fevered dream of flashes of unrelated sights.

My only advice has to be, "Think thread." Decide where your starting point must be and then spin the tale as a connected thread that weaves the scenes and events together into a coherent tale. In this piece you have Medusa as a thread that connects beginning and ending but it's not clear just how the legend bears any resemblance or meaning for what you describe. A snake-haired lady whose face turns people to stone - has she turned you to stone or is there some other connection that you're aiming at? It needs to be much more obvious if the reader is to get the point.

Wonderful descriptions, even so. Just a minor quibble about detail - the word "lightening" means the process of making something lighter. I think you mean "lightning," which is the electrical discharge from a thunderstorm.

It's clear you have considerable ability as a writer. All you need is a little disipline to bring everything into order so that it communicates to the reader.

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Beholden
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Review of DUET  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I sometimes wonder whether a review of something written many years ago can be relevant to the author. There are even times when I decide against reviewing a piece because too many years have passed under the bridge. But then I remember that I am happy to receive comments on things that I wrote as long ago as the sixties and seventies. And maybe there are other weirdoes just like me out there.

As it happens, I didn't go through that long process before deciding to review this poem. It's so good that I just had to say, at the very least, Bravo! What a wonderful little poem, saying so much in so few words, so precisely. How expressive of a relationship in its likening the interaction to collaboration over a song, one writing the music, the other the lyrics. Yes, art is like a birth and the baby is the artist's forever.

Interesting rhyme scheme too - ababbcc. And so unobtrusive, clearly the result of careful word choice.

It really is a beautiful poem. Applause.

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Beholden
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Review of Reclamation  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a very complete poem, a recital of one side versus another, a recollection of impressions and a painting of place. It contains struggle, the quiet reclamation of ground by nature or by city, and a considered statement of the poet's relation to his world.

The language is simple and direct, creating instant pictures and flashes of insight to communicate the feeling of place and time, then using this to show how things change and occupy other positions. Repeated themes reinforce the impression of constant movement and give & take, first the city taking what is its own, and then nature reclaiming what belongs to it. It's the very simplicity that gives the poem its power. Images are so stark and follow each other in such quick progression that the reader is drawn into the scene and rides the wave of experience with the poet. And this is done so easily and yet carefully, each word chosen for its effect and its reaction with those around it.

Is it also about the after effects of Katrina? Let's see now - Katrina was in 2005, the poem written in 2007. Entirely possible then and the poem is given extra significance as a result. Whether this is intended or not, the poem is very powerful and emotive, drawing those who may never have experienced the south into an understanding of the viewpoint of one who knows it so well.

A wonderful poem of great depth and insight.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
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Review of Aunt Rhonda's  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is an interesting little piece, produced for a flash fiction contest and deceptively simple as a result, but surprisingly thoughtful in its intent.

I confess that my eye caught the two instances of capital letters as it swept across the text before reading, and it proved an exercise in self discipline to refuse to read them until come upon naturally in the reading of the whole. That I was successful indicates that my one minor quibble with the work - that the impact may be lessened by the capitals being read first - is negated to some extent. Not every reader is going to be as motivated as I was to leave the capitals until they were intended to be read. But the fact that some are going jump the gun is enough for me to suggest that the capitals be changed to italics, a far less noticeable variance from the rest of the text.

The story itself is delightful, straightforward and honest, but with considerable depth in the background painted so skillfully. There are reasons for Billy's attitude, of course, and they are not forgotten in the conclusion to the story. Moralistic it may be but reality shines through any disdain of the postmodernist. Billy is a fine hero, especially lovable for his willingness to poke fun at himself even in succumbing to his better nature.

The writing is excellent, ideally suited to its subject in its directness and simplicity. Altogether a fine piece marred only slightly by those capitals. My congratulations.

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Beholden
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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
I don't recall ever doing a review for you, Megan, so this is a belated attempt to apologise, especially in view of the fact that you've done so many for me.

As it announces in the first few sentences, the piece is a brief history of Anne Boleyn's marriage to Henry VIII. As such, it contains a wealth of information presented in chronological order, and makes a good case for the unfairness of Anne's eventual fate. I should point out that there is another side to the argument, however, and many people still feel that there was some substance in the accusations against the young queen. The one incontestable argument is that, if she was never properly married to the king, how could she possibly be guilty of adultery? That one has been good enough to keep historians and lawyers arguing for centuries!

Writing a history of this type is fairly demanding in that it tends to become a long list of events that risks boring the reader. To avoid this trap, it is necessary to vary the ways in which information is presented, changing line lengths and the words used, to maintain interest. You have done this in large part and followed up the narrative with a short exposition of your own opinion. This is very well done.

The one aspect in which I think the piece could be improved is that you have said nothing about the religious history that made the marriage so controversial. Since Henry had to be divorced from Catherine before he could be married to anyone else, and the Pope refusing to allow this, the king had eventually broken with the Catholic Church and declared himself the head of the Anglican Church. It's a crucial point when discussing Henry's wives and needs to be dealt with at least in summary. Apart from that, this is a fine summary of the matter and well presented.

Well done and keep writing!

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a deceptively uncomplicated poem. It succeeds precisely because of its simplicity and directness. Through just one aspect of her character, we come to have a deep understanding of the poet's grandmother. She radiates peace and understanding in her relationahip to plants and their nurture.

The first verse concentrates our attention immediately on this special gift of the grandmother's - the poet reminds us of the saying that April showers bring flowers, but gives a hint of the grandma's not needing such showers to grow anything. She has that special touch that somehow makes plants healthy and productive. When trees are wanted, she allows Grandpa to do the heavy digging and planting but then tends the saplings into maturity.

Ostensibly, the poem is about Grandma's ability with plants but it's more than that. We get the sense that this one skill of hers comes from a source deep within the person, that it speaks of qualities of nurturing and care much greater than just growing plants. It is, in fact, an intense poem of love for the person the poet came to know so well.

So many poems attempt to communicate love by making lists of what they see and feel where the loved one is concerned. But a simple poem like this is more effective in allowing the reader to know and understand the depth of feeling involved. By choosing just one characteristic of her grandma, the poet speaks of an aspect that has affected the granddaughter profoundly. As we hear of how the old lady has been able to raise such healthy and beautiful plants, we see that the poet's understanding of this ability gives rise to her deep feelings for her grandma.

Very often, it's the simple things that speak to us most eloquently, and this poem is an example of that.

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Beholden
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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked this poem right from the outset. It paints a beautiful, serene picture of a secluded fishing hole where the narrator has spent happy hours with his fishing pole. This is then followed by reflections in later life, when the poet no longer fishes but goes to the place for rest and relaxation away from the hubbub of life. The language is simple, straightforward, but so descriptive that the reader is transported to similar scenes in his own life. As we say these days, the poem connects.

The form chosen is also very interesting (I may attempt this myself at some time). The balance of syllables and the rolling rhyming system create a steady and enjoyable rhythm, in keeping with the subject matter. Add to that the fact that the rhymes chosen are not obtrusive but make an important contribution to the meaning of the whole and this becomes a pretty flawless poem.

Which leaves me with no suggestions for improvement since the piece is already so good. Excellent work indeed.

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ah, a fellow sufferer from alliteratitis (sudden and inexplicable outbreaks of alliteration). Fortunately these days, there are effective treatments that keep the condition under control - a stern face and the injunction that "we'll have less of that, if you please," I find very effective. Of course, this merely encourages my sense of mischief and I increase the frequency of the alliterate thing.

That was the first thing that struck me, understandably since most instances crop up in the early paragraphs. Thereafter, the tale settles down to a more purposeful demeanour. This structure makes me wonder whether the first paragraphs were written without clear intent of where the story was going to go (something that I do quite often, just to be writing something). The mood changes very noticeably from lighthearted and humourous to more serious intent at this point. I'm not saying that this is a fault - just that I noticed it.

In the end, it turns out to be a charming tale, full of goodwill and hope. The writing is full of sharp details that bring the tale to life and characters who are almost instantly recognisable from the protagonist's relation to them. It is well edited, too, there being no typos or errors discernible. Altogether, it's a most enjoyable piece.

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Review of Staged  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of Staged by strlcuckoo Author Icon

Initial Impression:

Understood what it was about on the third reading. This is the main weakness of the piece - that it is hard to understand what's going on. Not everyone will read it three times to get the point.

Title:

I like one word titles but this one does not throw much light on the subject. It's okay to demand a little work from your readers but they need a bit more than this title gives if they're going to stick with it.

Content:

As it happens, motor racing is one of my interests. But I'm into F1 and it took a while before drag racing occurred to me. And, if I didn't get it reasonably quickly, I doubt those without similar interests are going to understand without more explanation. Don't exclude readers unnecessarily - you don't have to reach everyone but the more that click, the better.

I understand that you might wish to be less than obvious in subject reveal, but the poem needs a little more to be successful. As an instance, the insertion of the word motor at some point in the first stanza is going to at least guide the reader toward the world of cars. Then the quarter mile speaks all that's still required.

It's an interesting subject and one that I've pondered having a go at myself (writing about motor sport, not the actual doing of it - I'm a bit too old for it now). So I was particularly interested to read how you'd gone about it. Your approach is correct, once you've given a bit more of a hint about subject. But I think you need to inject a little ethanol into the fuel. Drag racing is enormously explosive and impressive in its reality and your language needs to reflect that if it's to be fully effective. The forces involved are huge and need impressive words to be described. Concentrate on the sounds, the sights, the flames and smoke, rather than their effect on yourself. Let the reader be affected by the words as though he were experiencing it himself.

It's not an easy thing to do. Think of how the arrival of a tornado is often likened to the passing of a freight train at full speed. Experience of a drag race is something similar to that, an overwhelming crescendo of sound and fury that should knock the viewer back on his heels. I think that the poem needs at least another verse to allow the full effect of the race and its sensations to be detailed. Yes, it takes only seconds to run the course, but what seconds they are!

Style:

You're grammatically correct and there are no errors for me to point out. But I do need to know how passionately you feel about the subject. It's not sufficient to tell me - you have to make me feel the same way. She didn't push you into the seat, she shoved you into it and tried to rip the steering wheel from your grip. Tell me what she did and let me imagine how that feels.

Flow/Pace:

All very ordered and constructed but it could do with a quickening of pace to echo the race you're describing. Pay a little less attention to the rhyme and rhythm and hit those big words and powerful notes to make the poem more like the race itself.

Suggestions:

I think you should try free verse. Forget the necessity of adhering to rules like rhyming and just write down the enormous experiences of the event. Afterwardss you can induce some order into the chaos of words and feelings. But never be afraid of offending a few grammar rules on the way!

Overall Impression:

There's nothing wrong with the poem. It breaks no rules and offends no sensitivities. But, considering its subject, it could be so much more. With a little more work you could rurn it into a snarling beast of a thing that frightens young ladies and sends their mothers into a faint.



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Beholden
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Review of The Umbrella  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I really like this. As a result, I'm not going to write a critique or review of it, but just share how much I enjoy it. And why (if I can manage that).

Part of the reason I love it so much is that it reminds me of me. Every now and then a story like this springs out of me unannounced and urgent to be born, a little thing that contains within itself all the reason it needs for being. It ignores all the rules about story and sets about its telling with perfect assurance and, ultimately, justifies its own self confidence. Who could not love a child so innocent yet bursting with promise?

The real beauty of such wild and irresponsible tales is that they have no need of the world outside of them. In this one, the umbrella pulls the reader along in its determined course, taking no notice of the reader's frantic appeals for reason and meaning, but quietly confident that it contains all the answers anyone will ever need. It sees no reason to explain itself in terms of the greater world beyond itself for the story is the reason for the story. All the meaning there ever was is in the gloriously self-contained story.

It does me good to see someone else writing a story of this type.

I must also confess that I have a recently discovered a soft spot for stories that gift inanimate objects with self awareness. And this umbrella is a headstrong and eloquent thing, perfectly happy to be enclosed in a self-perpetuating loop of repeated causality. How carelessly it accepts its destiny of eternal repetition!

So this is all about me, I'm afraid. Your story forces such an expression of relief and joy from me that I don't care about all the technical mumbo jumbo that I might be expected to produce in a more serious review. All that seems irrelevant when the story is so refreshingly full of itself. I can't offer any suggestions of how to make it better or errors to erase and correct - but I can make you feel a lot better about your courage and insight in deciding to write it. I'm bloody glad you did!


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Review of The Vulture  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review of The Vulture by Dad Author Icon

I'm glad that you mentioned in your covering letter how the story came to you. This is often the case with short stories and some of my best (in my opinion) have resulted from such experieces. Writers, perhaps more than anyone else, are deeply indebted to their unconscious minds.

Initial Impression:

I like the idea of using a turkey vulture as the second participant in the teleport. it's unusual and allows for a very different perspective on the final scene. At the same time, the explanation for the choice does telegraph the ending rather early. The chance of mixing participants' genetic information is something that occurs often enough in the Star Trek series for most people to be aware of it. To prevent the possibility of the reader guessing at the conclusion, it might be better to omit any mention of "mixing," and instead hint rather mysteriously at the dangers inherent in the experiment without naming them.

Otherwise, it's a tightly constructed and enjoyable story that does not rely too much on the series in which it is set. Always a good idea to avoid categorisation as fan fiction!

Title:

The story, as an old British advert describes its product, "does exactly what it says on the tin." So it's serviceable enough but I would suggest adding some detail to give it a little more originality and distinctiveness. And that could be done by the simple expredient of being more specific - The Turkey Vulture.

Content:

You tell the story well and it has plenty of interest to keep a reader enthralled. In the early paragraphs you skate rather closely to the dreaded "info dump" by a discussion of previous attempts between two characters who know perfectly well how they got where they are. This is always a problem, getting the reader up to speed with background information before the story can begin in earnest, but there are subtler ways of doing it. Try to achieve a more natural conversation by making the introduction of historical facts seem incidental, rather than the point of the thing. So, for instance, the fact of sending a rock at one stage can be made a joke of (it has humourous aspects already) and drop each snippet into the text at carefully separated moments, not as a continuous stream. This avoids the history lesson appearance of it all.

Dialogue in writing is an art that can be acquired. Most people can imagine a conversation in its natural flow and direction but that's not good enough for the written word. The real trick is to select what's important, cutting out the rest, yet leaving it as apparently quite natural and unforced a conversation. This is easier than it sounds, particularly since real dialogue is full of half spoken sentences, dashes up side streets, and umms and urrs. The real art is letting the occasional inconsequential phrase or thought through, to prevent it becoming more like an exerpt from a manual than a genuine conversation. The exchange about the selection of who goes on the trip could do with a little careful editing in this connection. It's okay as it is but would benefit from being just a little tighter.

The final revelation that the protagonist has been transported into the vulture's body is well constructed, with a certain amount of confusion picturing exactly the feelings of poor Alec as he becomes accustomed to his new existence. Nicely done.

Style:

You write well and make few errors of grammar or technique. Everything flows well and at a suitable pace. Nothing for me to carp at indeed.

Flow/Pace:

Already mentioned. No problems.

Suggestions:

Well, I've made a few but must stress that they are exactly that - suggestions. They are very much my opinion and you may feel that they are not appropriate to your story. That's the thing about reviews - we're all different and like different aspects of what we read. Never get discouraged by something a reviewer says. They're quite capable of being wrong and your control over what and how you write is always yours alone. Reviewers are trying to help, that's all.

Overall Impression:

Basically, I want to read more of your stuff. This little story is fine, it shows an ability to put together a good story and keep the reader interested. It's the Star Trek connection that gives me a slight worry. Your brain has demonstrated to you that it can conjure stories from events in your daily life. Never be tempted to wander off into fan fiction - your imagination will always be better than some aging TV series!



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Beholden


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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I think it would be safe to say that most people alive today saw the movie of Oz before they read the book. This is what creates our general surprise at the poor quality of the writing of what is now regarded as a classic. It's one of those rare instances of the movie being better than the book.

But the book is not alone in its status of a classic in spite of the poor quality of its writing. In the case of Oz, the strange originality of its creator's imagination is what fascinates us and gives such fertile ground for a creative film producer to deliver a true classic of the movie industry. And it doesn't hurt that the book was written for children; they are a much less critical audience than adults and will forgive some awful examples of hackery for the sake of an imaginative and attractive world.

We should also remember that "the rules of good writing" are a fairly recent concoction created by those who don't have a classic to speak of. The plain fact is that the great authors wrote without any knowledge of "the rules" because they hadn't been invented yet. And their work is a clear demonstration that most of the rules can and should be ignored whenever they get in the way of truly good writing.

In the end, the lesson of Oz is that imagination is more important than adherence to any rules and that success and longevity can be just as much a matter of luck and timing as they can be of fine writing. As an example from the other side of the tracks, the two masterpieces of James Joyce, a writer universally worshipped in his time by other writers, Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake, were both technical tours de force and excruciatingly boring and unreadable.

It's a funny old world, isn't it?

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
If I may say just a few words of awe and appreciation for this bountiful, vast and meticulously-run contest, it is evident from the outset that this is an extravaganza of effort and good planning by the designer, Schnujo, and her able assistants.

The rules have been so carefully considered and instituted that it is no wonder the contest finished without a serious hiccup or squeal of protest from a competitor. They are all presented clearly and colour-coded to ensure understanding by everyone. It is, indeed, an example that could be followed by anyone wanting to run a successful and well-regarded contest.

As for prizes, the spectacular generosity of Schnujo is well enough known but it still bears mentioning that this contest is the only one that bears comparison with the enormous prizes offered in the official WDC contests. Our (the contestants) cup do runneth over indeed.

I can only repeat how much I have enjoyed participating in the contest and how much I appreciate those who made it possible. The amount of work in creating and running the contest is so staggering that our reviewing efforts pale into insignificance beside them. It is no surprise to me that I can find absolutely no improvements to suggest - so no bolding for me to do in this review! See the habits you have instilled in me.

This contest, surely, is the crown in WDC's 23rd Birthday Celebrations.

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
An uplifting piece, likening the dark depths of the sea to the lowest points of our own lives, with the heartening conclusion that, even in the darkest moments, there is beauty and goodness possible.

In this it succeeds very well - the piece is well written without errors and flows steadily and logically to its goal. The one doubt I have is that it does not describe how the descent into the abyss is made. That sort of depth is impossible with aqualungs so it must involve some sort of deep sea submersible. I think the question needs to be dealt with at the outset (just a quick description is all that's needed) to prevent any confusion arising in the reader's mind.

Apart from that, this is a fine piece and a most enjoyable read.

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Review of What's Behind Me?  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well, this is a bit of fun. You even had me laughing when the werewolf popped out from behind Steve to say, "No I'm not." It turned into a real party near the end and even had a couple of late guests.

I did find one little niggle that is going to take a few seconds to fix. Jessie starts out as Jesse before she settles for being Jessie (a far more suitable name, I think). Otherwise I find it to be a well written example of its genre (I prefer comedy horror to the real thing anyway), especially as it's genuinely funny. And that's really hard to do in print.

Altogether, it's a tight, well written comedy horror piece without serious error. You even put an acute accent on the E of cliché!

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Beholden


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