Hi J.E.,
I must admit that I'm reviewing this piece with a template, partly because I don't want to forget any points that occur to me, but also to give value for the GPs on offer. It surprises me a little that you are still asking for reviews in view of the fact that the story has placed in the Twisted Tales Contest, been nominated for a Quill Award, earned an Awardicon and already has 72 reviews. Aware that I'm unlikely to find much wrong with something so thoroughly tested and approved, I must shrug and be as honest as I can in my assessment. Any suggestions I have can be taken or ignored, obviously.
Initial Impression:
This is a well written, tight and competent tale that delivers on its promises. The ending caught me unawares but that may say more about my gullibility than the story itself.
Title:
The Diagnosis is an accurate summation of what is to follow that yet gives no indication of the twist hiding in the tail. It's good without being too clever.
Content:
Great scene setting and description. The various locations become familiar to the reader through the details presented. The story unfolds smoothly, without stumbling, apart from a few typos that we can look at later. As I have mentioned, the twist caught me but the denouement wrapped in a final message is a fairly common device in this type of story so some readers might have figured it out by then. What saves the story is the very late realisation that the murder of the wife is also part of the deal (and I think this is why I didn't see the real twist coming). I was still thinking about the deviouisness of including the wife when you threw the telephone message at me. Very good, an excellent way of distracting the reader from the real trail. The story is very well constructed, with tension increasing all the way through.
Style:
You know how to write, that's clear. You give the reader enough information and detail to work with and then allow him to build the rest of the scene himself. Always a good ability, to leave something for the reader to play with - he roots for the story as a result. Too much control by the writer lets the reader become bored. Duncan's character is revealed in stages through the story, this too allowing the reader to gain sympathy for and empathy with him so that his fate begins to matter. He is, in a way, a hero in that, as ordinary as is his life, he looks for the best way to end it. The reader assumes that it's not only for his daughter that he does this - the twist of the wife's death is still in the future. The best writing is writing that isn't noticed - it means that it's the story driving things forward without little irritations of style getting in the way. So it's a good thing that I have no criticism of your style.
Flow/Pace:
Flow and pace are fine, without any hiccups or sudden changes. Again, these are things that the reader shouldn't notice if they're done correctly.
Suggestions:
And so to the typos and stuff. "He pushed away the thought, it’s not every day you get to meet the man who will murder you." This should really be two sentences (his thought was not that it's not every day, etc.). This is the kind of thing that would probably only be noticed by grammar nazis like me but, hey, grammar nazis read too.
The mention of Han Solo may be a mistake. The name is recognisable to most but, as time goes on, Star Wars will fade from public consciousness and your reference will be left high and dry on the beach. Perhaps it would be better to just say "hero" instead.
"he thought about Shelby coming in to the world kicking and screaming." "coming into" would be more correct. Same for "she would need to tap in to that strength" a few sentences later.
"When he closed the door, he found his fingers touching the deadbolt. Torn between his wife’s constant reminders to remember to lock the back door, and the directions he gave the man he met behind the bar." Here the second sentence is incomplete. The whole thing needs to be one sentence with a comma replacing the period that separates the two sentences.
Favourite line or part:
I must admit that the telephone message really grabbed me - I hadn't suspected it for a moment.
Overall Impression:
A finely crafted tale, laying its traps inconspicuously as it unfolds and then catching the reader with a pair of neat twists at the end.
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| (4.0)
| (4.5)
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