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1,128 Public Reviews Given
1,129 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a heartwarming little poem, taking few words (but well chosen ones) to convey a sense of the importance of your wedding day. I've not heard before of the unpronounceable (it could only be Welsh) form it follows, but I appreciate the care that has gone into your following of it.

What really matters with rhyme in poetry is that the words chosen do not seem forced or inexact. You have achieved this admirably. Reading the poem flows quite naturally without snags or awkward pauses caused by words that don't fit. Word order is unusual at times but this serves merely to make the reader concentrate to grasp the full meaning of the words. That can't be bad, surely.

Altogether, it's a fitting tribute to the one who changed your life. May you never have to plod through an unreal life!


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Review of Niffery's Notion  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review of Nifery's Notion by jdennis

Initial Impression:

This is just delightful, a wonderful fantasy of amusing attempts to catch a flying speck that may or may not be a fairy. It's a beautifully told tale that unselfconsciously creates a way for a jaded and jaundiced modern age to write for innocents as well as adults that yearn for childhood days.

Title:

Nicely alliterative title that prepares us for the magic we're about to experience. At first, I did wonder about it being Nifery's notion, since it was Jimmery who tried to organise their efforts. But a swift check reassured me that it was Nifery who realised that Bait had to be something that Time would desire. This was the notion that ultimately led to Time's capture.

Content:

A simple tale told with humour, a light touch and a depth that elevates the piece beyond the work of many a children's author. There is mystery added to the mix, since we are never advised what manner of creatures are Time, Nifery and Jimmery. They all appear to be winged and can fly (bringing fairies to mind) but Nifery and Jimmery are clearly much larger than Time, being able to catch the mite in their fingers. I think this refusal to commit to specific creatures is the right way to go, allowing, as it does, the reader's imagination to participate to a much greater extent than would otherwise be possible.

Then there is the matter of Queen Darella and the ominous Granreil. The Queen would appear to confirm the likelihood of fairies but Granreil remains a shadowy figure at the edge of the story. Once again, I feel that this veil of mystery is preferable to any description and identification. Never limit the child to our time-worn understanding of magical beings.

Your dialogue is excellent, a delightful insight into the world of these creatures and their understanding. The age and character of Nifery and Jimmery is conveyed easily through their speech and the reader is transported to a time and place where life was an adventure to be seized with enthusiasm. Wonderful stuff.

I can think of only one writer who produces a similar feeling of a magical and innocent world peopled by amusing and beautiful creatures. Enid Blyton was the giant of such worlds when my generation was just discovering the wonders of reading and she had the same facility for making childhood worlds real and captivating. I don't think she was ever discovered in America but, in Britain and her colonies, her books were treasured and, I have no doubt, are still fondly remembered by old fogies like me. You, sir, have that same sure and gentle touch.

You wanted me to be brutal but, as you can see, I'm having difficulty with that. This piece is so perfect that I would not advise changing anything in it. If you must have a quibble, I could mention the name of Nifery. My natural inclination is to pronounce it as Niff-er-ee, but it may be that you would prefer Knife-er-ee. That would be too sharp for this wonderful story, I think, and, if you're set on the former, you could perhaps give the name another F.

Style:

Simple, straightforward and disdainful of complication, your style is ideal for the tale. This is your world and you guide the readers through it quite easily whilst preserving the deeper things for their later reflection.

Flow/Pace:

Flows like a summer stream, takes its time yet never bores. Don't change a thing.

Suggestions:

You mentioned thinking of extending the piece. That would be cool but don't spoil it! If it were up to me, I'd be thinking in terms of writing further adventures of these two. They deserve a whole book shelf of stories!

Overall Impression:

Marvellous, magnificent, magical, and with a fine moral at the end. What more could a reader possibly ask for? It has been an honour to review it.

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Review of Holder  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of Holder: Chapter 1 by Spring in my Sox

Initial Impression:

You have identified the genre as Action/Adventure and that definitely sums up my first impression of this chapter. It is all action from the first paragraph and proceeds at a rollicking pace from there onwards. I found this to be a pleasant change from much of my previous reading (I haven't really looked closely at this genre before). Descriptions are short and limited to the most essential, which gives them no chance to interfere with the progression of the story. At the same time, the scene is adequately painted so that the reader does not feel lost in the environment. It's a good start to a novel.

Title:

The title is quite intriguing; it begs immediately the question, "Who or what is this Holder?" Obviously, the only way to find out is to read the book and that's a good thing. I say "book" because the question is not answered in this first chapter. I must presume, therefore, that this will be answered as the book progresses.

Content:

To be honest, the chapter is a little short and much is expected of it in so few words. Most importantly, it has to induce the reader to continue into later chapters. I think it succeeds in this, but only just. The wild ride down the slide is exciting and intense but it's over now. All that remains is to find out how Jacob deals with the problem of being trapped in the cave. Do we care enough about him to read on? We have spent so little time with him, after all, and much of that has been spent watching him run from werewolves and ride the slide.

There seems little care in him about the fate of his twin, Howard. His apparent abandonment of him to the wolves reveals a darker side to Jacob's character than you might wish. Unless there is more bad blood between them than is hinted at in this chapter, it might be an idea to allow Jacob a few thoughts of regret and shame about the way he left Howard to his fate.

The intent may have been to do this in later chapters but, in this first chapter, we are primarily concerned with getting the reader to keep reading. And Jacob has to be the principal mover in this - the reader has to care what happens to him. So the more we know about him, the better (provided, of course, that it's good stuff).

Style:

You are very sparing with your commas. There are times when the meaning of a sentence is subtly altered or made ambiguous by the absence of commas. For instance, in this extract from the text, I have inserted a few commas to ease understanding and flow: "The slide moved out from the wall of the canyon, turning to aim toward it. Jacop gasped, sure he was about to smack face-first into the wall. Then his eyes adjusted to the dim light of the canyon. Ahead, as in the slid (sic) was aimed right at it, there was a large opening of a cavern. He tried to slow his descent but, for all the slide looked like a rusty death trap, it was smooth."

Apart from this, you have a style ideally suited to the genre. The action progresses at a pace that does not allow the reader to become bored and you keep things simple and uncomplicated.

Flow/Pace:

Well suited to a first chapter, this piece throws us into the action without getting bogged down in descriptions or explanations. It may be a bit hectic if it continues for the whole book, but that is not our concern here. I take it that you can control things like pace and flow when suitable to the story.

Suggestions:

Just that minor matter of the commas. Try reading it aloud and noticing when you pause to take a breath or because the meaning demands it.

Overall Impression:

A very competent first chapter that grabs the readers quickly and hurries them through the action. I liked it.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review of Just a Group of Guys in the Apocolypse (sic): Chapter One by LorenIsOneOfMyNames

Initial Impression:

I must admit that my first thought was, "Oh goodie, a zombie apocalypse." While there's a certain cynicism in that outcry, it is also a reaction to other apochryphal stories that don't have zombies. It actually makes a change to read another take on that particular scenario.

Title:

To be honest, it's a crap title. My initial comment was a bit cynical but no more so than your title. Even if you're aiming at comedy or parody (and you don't mention these as a genre), this is too tired and world weary to attract a huge readership. Generally, the shorter the title, the better, in that you need to create a question in the potential reader's mind - a question that can only be answered by starting to read. As a wild suggestion after brief thought, how about the title, "Wasted." The world is certainly wasted in this scenario and the protagonists are too. But the reader must begin to turn the pages to learn that.

Content:

It's a fairly short chapter but you achieve quite a lot with it. The scene is set, while also allowing the reader to supply plenty of what is generally understood by the term "apocalypse." We also meet the characters in your little band and begin to get to know them through their banter. Plus you have placed the prompt photograph squarely in the centre of story, thereby meeting all requirements of the contest. Well done.

The only remaining question is, "Is there enough here to induce the reader to continue?" And this is where I do have a minor doubt. Dropping the zombies into the end of the chapter is certainly bait to continue reading but, as we both know, it's a fairly tired item these days. So we must turn to the highway or the protagonists to see whether there's reason enough there. The highway is certainly tantalising in that we'd like to know where it leads. But it seems to be blocked by the zombies "right ahead" so our heroes may be deflected and never find out more about destinations.

As for the cast itself, they seem a bit argumentative and very young (remember, I am ancient so I probably don't understand these things). I need to know them better to care enough to proceed to the next chapter.

So it's a finely balanced thing.Your chosen audience may not experience my doubts but can you rely on that? We should discuss this further in the next section.

Style:

You can write and everything flows smoothly at a semnsible pace. If you have a problem, it is that you keep trying to be clever and wry and witty. It may well be a generational thing (in which case, ignore me) but there are plenty of writers who write this way and it begins to wear thin. I don't need to know how good you are at designing snappy new ways to describe things - just give me an idea and let's get on with the story.

As an example, there is this: "Corroded flesh meets dried gore and shiny bone, in some cases broken bone, leaking secretions like a faucet." Really? A bit over the top in a world inured to zombies through the creativity of the movie make-up department. Turn down the volume - we'll get the idea.

Flow/Pace:

No problems here.

Suggestions:

Hmm, I think I've made a few already. Let's leave it at that.

Overall impression:

As I said, you can write. This is a chapter that, with just a little polishing, could easily be the beginning of a highly entertaining book. I look forward to reading more of your output in the future.



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Review of Part 8: Judges  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of Part 8: Judges

Initial Impression:

Vern's plan revealed - a wedding! It might work, I must admit. The battle that commences during the wedding does seem to indicate that it has a chance. There wouldn't be such a fuss if the powers involved could just ignore it. I can see what you mean by some loose strings to tie up in a final chapter, however.

Title:

A title that is much easier to relate to the events in the Part than in the two previous ones. It is Judgement Day itself, it seems.

Content:

I like the point/counterpoint of the stages of the battle with the litany of the marriage ceremony. It's a very busy chapter with a lot happening. I haven't paid much attention to the time scale, so there may at times be a lot occurring in the battle compared to the corresponding line of the ceremony but I don't think many readers will be concerned by that. It's all supernatural, after all, and things can happen quickly although their description takes longer.

You're taking on several challenges in this Part. I admit to being a bit unconvinced by the portrayal of Michael the archangel. He's a bit too hasty in his judgements, if you ask me. But that's my opinion and I could be wrong. The later introduction of God runs the risk of being a cheap trick. He solves the problems the protagonists have brought about but comes uncomfortably close to the "it was all a dream" bolthole. Handle with care, is my advice.

Of course He's capable of giving a quick and easy solution but is that what you want? The trouble is, if He can't sort everything out, He's not much of a God, is He? There may be a narrow way between these two extremes but I wouldn't want to walk it. I do, however, like the way you portray His personality. We all have an idea of what He would be like and you have hit a happy medium with your description. Still, much remains to be seen in the final chapter.

Most of my problems with the book are a result of theology, rather than anything wrong in the writing. A while back, there was a series of novels famous in Christian circles that dealt with similar events occurring in the last days and I had just as many problems with the guy's view of things. It's an incredibly difficult subject to deal with if it's to remain small enough to be believable, yet big enough to reflect the descriptions in the Bible. I've never thought much about angels but this review has made me build some opinion of what they might be like. The two messengers that visited Lot in Sodom would be an interesting place to start, I think. Anyway, that's all just to reiterate that this is my opinion and will likely have nothing to do with most people's reaction to the tale.

Style:

No problems.

Flow/Pace:

Bit confusing to begin with but that's to illustrate Bell's disorientation. Once she's shaken that off, we're back to the action in a big way. All good stuff and indicative of the chaos that is breaking forth upon the world. But your masterly stroke was with the pace after time freezes the battle. To still things so suddenly and leading Bell to the stranger sitting peacefully next to Laila is a real achievement. Both what the stranger says and the atmosphere he brings is spot on in my book.

Suggestions:

I think I've said enough. Don't want to start rewriting the book to suit myself, do I?

Overall Impression:

A roller coaster ride if action and adventure. Larger than life characters and supernatural battles. Who could ask for more?



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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Part 6: Acts

Initial Impression:

Hmm. There's a lot happens in this one. That's quite a Magical Mystery Tour you take the reader on. Am fairly gratified to see that I was close to the mark with my guess about Vern being less than the demon he was supposed to be.

It's a very literal interpretation of the events at the end of the world. This gives you some good chances to exercise your considerable powers of description and you don't miss out on any. The whole part is an action-filled extravaganza of horrific and astounding sights. You have a powerful imagination.

Title:

Hmm again. I get the need to stick to the biblical titles but I have difficulty in seeing the psalms in this one. I don't think it's important at this stage - the reader will be expecting it to follow the others in theme and won't bother too much in connecting it to the events in the Part.

Content:

This chapter carries thing on a long way. I was surprised that they're now flying over the ocean (did I miss something somewhere?). It was only on rereading the previous Part that I remembered they had gone to Paris. That's my fault, of course, but you might consider mentioning somewhere in the early sentences that Paris is far behind you now.

This brown-haired boy - have we been introduced to him before? Seems a bit late in the tale to introduce a new character. I get that we're supposed to connect him as somehow related to Vern (maybe a first meeting) but it did throw me off for a while. Obviously, I can't see what's coming, but it might be an idea to give a bit more than the existing hint so that the reader doesn't have to be distracted by wondering.

Pestilence is an interesting new take on the Horseman. I've never seen anything except a standard imagining of him as a horseman. But a sort of weird airship carried by a dead giant (faint stirrings of memory of Terry Gilliam's Time Bandits however), now that is original! And very cool.

Must admit that I never dreamed that the venue for the final battle would be in Nemooaka in Nevada. I suspect you're right in that the choice of Megiddo may be entirely limited by historical understanding.

Style:

This is the showcase for your descriptive talents. In spite of some of the weirdest scenes I've ever read, you manage to establish a pretty clear picture in the reader's mind.

Flow/Pace:

Everything is now rushing on at a breakneck speed, entirely apporopriate to the events. I wondered about the word "unbeknownst" but research has indicated that it's common in America. I thought that you'd slipped back into Medieval speak suddenly.

Suggestions:

This is a very long Part. You might consider splitting it into two.

Overall Impression:

A very busy section with lots of action, some highly unusual sights and the restoration of hope that Vern's plan will work. You've built to a cliff-hanging end to the section, however, and our trust in Vern is being stretched thin. Which, I have no doubt, was exactly your intention! Nicely done.



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Review of Part 5: Acts  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of Siren's Testament: Part 5 Judges

Initial Impression:

A fairly gruesome cookery lesson, entirely appropriate to the genre. And we learn more about Bell's new guardian, Azael. It becomes clear that Bell is pretty much alone in her ambition towards a different future than the devilish one planned by others. She is, for my money, just a little too honest about her feelings in this regard, and this results in her annoying Azael beyond endurance. He sets out to kill her.

She is saved by the return of Vern. It's not explained how he has managed to return from the dead (is it possible to kill demons and angels anyway?) but, as Azael says, it's a long story no doubt.

Title:

Undeniably accurate - the Part certainly contains actions.

Content:

I begin to detect shades of Twilight in the tale. This is not such a bad thing; if Twilight can become a hit with its unlikely pairings and young protagonists, there is no reason to suppose that your story can't. It's different enough to have its own charm but goes no further into fantasy than has been made possible by other books in the genre.

The character of Vern is a little suspect, however. He's a little too loyal and attentive to Bell for us to believe in his demon credentials. I even began to suspect that he might be an agent sent from heaven to penetrate Hell's designs and disable one of the central actors (Bell) in that plan. Kinda hard to see how that would work, however.

For the moment, I accept that he retains some shreds of his former heavenly nature and that these are evidenced in his relationship to Bell. And it's a relief to know that Vern has a plan because Bell seems to be out of ideas.

One final comment in this section: Horror would normally demand a nasty and probably gory ending. As it is, you have succeeded in getting me on side with Bell to the point where I am thinking of ways to escape her predicament. Is it intentional to have the horror as a by product of something less final? I'm not quite sure how I'll feel if you kill her off (and the whole world) in the end.

Style:

Still fine.

Flow/Pace:

Pace has slowed a little but you're probably gathering yourself for the grand finale.

Suggestions:

This is the reason I'm a bit late with this review. I needed time to think about the Part and decide whether I had any suggestions to make. I've waited twenty-four hours and nothing has occured so you're obviously getting it right in my opinion.

Overall Impression:

Must admit that the genre is not really my taste (horror was always my way of saying thank you to Angus for his kindness to me) but this is an enjoyable romp through the Apocalypse.



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Beholden


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of Siren's Testament: Part 4 Judges

Initial Impression:

The story develops seamlessly from the end ogf the previous Part. We see the growing relationship between Bell and August, Bell begins revovery from her ordeal in the streets and the two lovers finally get down to business. Only to realise that their future path is still undecided in view of Bell's destiny as the Whore of Babylon.

It's all rollicking good fun but you keep me in suspense as to how you're going to end this story. Is Bell going to do a Will Smith on the crowd and save the world? To be honest, I don't see any other way of getting an ending that will please modern readers. Even though there is a horror element to the story, to wipe everything out in a final true Apocalypse seems a bit extreme.

Ah well, I guess I'll see in a while. But this proves that you're keeping me interested and that is the name of the game, after all.

Title:

Keeps the biblical theme but is a bit more difficult to link to the events in this part. I'm wondering who is the judge and who the judged. Most likely the angel judges and Bell is judged, but I'm not certain about that.

Content:

I liked the dreaming in the shower scene (you had me going there for a few moments). The apparent death of August seemed to put an end to the one remaining hope in the tale. And I realise that the boy is the ideal candidate for final resolution of the difficulties in the story. Somehow I doubt he will prove as easy a pushover as depicted in the dream.

Which satisfies my theological interests more than other possible outcomes. Very tempted now to influence your portrayal of August's character, but that is hardly my function.

Returning to my reviewing hat, I have to say that the Part is successful in its aim. It keeps the story going while slowing the pace a little as the two protagonists recover their breath. Entirely appropriate after the frantic action scenes of the previous Part.

Finally, we meet Vern's replacement. He seems devilish enough at this first glance, if a little eager to agree to Bell's commands. But she has prepared the way by feigning indifference to the fate of the angel. The demon is fooled for the moment. No doubt he will prove more difficult as her true character becomes more obvious.

Style:

As masterful as ever.

Flow/Pace:

The decrease in pace is exactly what was needed. The reader needs a break to recover after Part 3.

Suggestions:

Only regarding the character of the angel. I'd make her less prone to earthly passions and more subtle in her attempts to keep August on the straight and narrow. She can acquiesce to his determination to stick with Bell, but with more sorrow at his impulsiveness than anger at losing. But that is my theology talking, of course. Others may find her perfectly satisfactory as she is.

Overall Impression:

Good chapter/Part, holds the reader's interest and makes it imperative that we continue to the next part.



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Review of Part 3: Exodus  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review of Siren's Testament: Part 3 Exodus

Initial Impression:

There's a lot going on in this Part. As a Protestant, I find the Catholic theology rather simplistic and a bit laughable, so I may be a poor judge of that aspect for your purposes. Looking beyond it, I can see that this is a vividly described journey through erupting apocalypse to August's house. It's all great action with plenty of tension induced along the way, with the final relief of the meeting with August.

I have thoughts on a few matters but they are better dealt with under other headings.

Title:

"Exodus" continues the biblical theme and reflects the dash from Bell's house to August's. As the advert states on British TV, "It does exactly what it says on the tin."

Content:

Some of my questions are answered in this part. It seems that Bell's return from Hell has somehow sparked the Apocalypse and war between demons and angles has broken out in the streets, going so far as to invade the person of Bell's mother. It's a big subject to tackle and runs the risk of becoming somewhat melodramatic in the telling. Has to be huge if it's the end of the world, obviously, but must skate around the edge of a Hieronymus Bosch fantasy at the same time. It's just a little too material for our modern imaginations otherwise. Thus far, I think you've managed to avoid this trap but much depends on your estimate of a modern reader's understanding of the whole apocalypse thing. It's lousy theology but is anyone going to notice in this day and age? We can discuss this further, if you wish.

This is the first time I’ve seen colour used to indicate the speaker in a serious work. I’ll have to think about it. Perhaps the reasoning will become clearer as I read on.

A reason occurs to me. This is probably how texting separates messages on smartphones these days. Understand, I don’t use the stupid things so I’m not sure on that but it’s been fairly common practice on computer messaging apps for years. In which case I can see that this fits well with something written in today’s world. Not sure how a publisher would react to having to introduce colour but I dare say the industry would get over it.

It does make things immediately obvious who’s speaking (as long as the reader remembers the colour allocation) and allows the writer to dispense with the “he said,” “she said” thing. I guess my feeling is that it’s valid as long as not over-used.

This Part reminds me that we’re still dealing with a teenager here (emphasised by the colours). She thinks like a teenager, acts like one and reacts like one. This makes for a rather bizarre contrast with the looming transformation into the Whore of Babylon. Would this still be possible after her experience of the Queen succubus? Not sure. But I’ll let things ride and see how you deal with it. I am, of course, presuming that you intend to get her out of this “obligation” somehow and I won’t be confronted with a consort to the Great Beast that speaks like a standard modern teenager.

Style:

As per previous reviews.

Flow/Pace:

Ditto.

Suggestions:

I did find a couple of typos that I'll list here.

“Come on then," I snarled. "What more do want from me?" Should be “...do you want…”

“Soon I will be walking through the gates of Paradise with August as my side.” “...at my side…”

Apart from which, I have to return to your description of the onset of the Apocalypse. If I were writing it, I'd downplay the physical aspect of the battle and concentrate more on the spiritual side of things. Which is easy to say but much more difficult to do. I know it's horror you're going for and you're probably right in your approach for this audience.

Then there's the matter of August's angel. I have to point out that the qualities you assign to her are impossible in an angel, if they are what they're supposed to be. She evidences in quick succession disgust, spite, smugness, mockery and cruelty. Altogether too human, if you ask me. I've seen other evocations of angels as being pure, innocent and lacking any understanding of our human passions. They function only in obedience to God's wishes (which is what makes them angels and not demons). Which is why it would be necessary to introduce a spiritual power into their war with the demons and interaction with humans. But that's how I would approach it. It may be that the more physical view is more suitable for a horror story. Another matter for discussion between us, perhaps.

Overall Impression:

The story progresses but there's more for me to comment on this time. You may have noticed! Remember that this is my opinion and it's likely to be very different from most, especially when we encroach on spiritual concerns. You don't have to take any notice of my thoughts in that case.



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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of Siren's Testament: Part 2 Lamentations

Initial Impression:

Getting to the nitty gritty with this one. Never mind the mischievous pranks, here's the real thing! All jolly good stuff and just a few niggles like typos and omissions to tweak. I'll list them under the Suggestions banner. Otherwise, it's all good, a traditional Hell well described and an inevitable end for Vern (who was altogether too good to be a demon).

Title:

Lamentations - very biblical. In fact, I can see you've been reading in Revelation at least. But it's a totally honest description of what the reader is about to find.

Content:

Big jump in location from the park bench in Part 1 to the beach in Part 2. Had to go back to the end of Part 1 to make sure I hadn’t missed something. Reading on a few sentences fixed the problem, it becoming apparent that the beach was more symbolic than an actual place. But you might want to consider working something into the first sentences of Part 2 to ease the transition.

Otherwise, it's a powerful description of one level of Hell and the inhabitants thereof. Which reminds me of an exchange I heard in the factory years ago. One fellow, for reasons unremembered, exclaims, "Fookin' 'ell!" To which his wag of a friend replies, "For your sake, I 'ope they do!" Raising an interesting theological question but not relevant here, I think.

Yet another cliff-hanging ending. Having seen Bell's dreams of romance crushed in the first part, now her closest friend has his head literally crushed by his boss. How is poor Bell to manage without him? No doubt, the replacement sent by Lilith will be a good deal nastier (not least because he'll have heard of the fate of his predecessor) and we fear for Bell's future. All good ways to draw us on to the next part.

You're good at this, aren't you?

Style:

I mentioned the few slips in grammar I picked up this time. Apart from that, the writing is as flawless as ever.

Flow/Pace:

As per Part 1.

Suggestions:

“Vern slowly flew ahead as I tread over the uneven path.” In England the past tense of “tread” is “trod.” I’ve not heard that the Americans say “tread,” for past tense, although I know there are other words where we differ in this regard (f’rinstance in the States you say “pled” whereas in England it’s “pleaded”).

“reliefs of body intertwined,” Just the one body? “Bodies” would be more usual if intertwined. Ah and, reading on, I see that there are indeed several bodies involved.

“Sensual fresco decorated the tile floor,” Either “A sensual fresco” or “Sensual frescoes.”

“Turns out I'd lost in the depths of Hell.” Should be “lost it in the depths…

Overall Impression:

This Part definitely keeps the story moving along with some excellent description and continuous action. I have no doubt that the reader will be seriously hooked by now and avid to see what happens. Which is a case in point, really. She's cast as the future Whore of Babylon? That's a pretty big role for her to play and I can't wait to see how you work this one out.



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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Review of Siren's Testament Part 1: Revelation

Initial Impression:

This is going to be difficult, not because there is much to say, but because I have found nothing wrong so far. If I begin to sound like a fanboy, it will be because you write too well for me to make any picky or niggling comments.

Title:

"Siren's Testament" works well at stimulating interest. The word "Siren" is full of suggestion and the reader can read all sorts of things into this. The life story of a wrecker and ravager of sailors? The terrible tale of a harlot's progress? Some juicy possibilities indeed! To find out, we must read on. So "Revelation" is just what we're seeking and there it is in the title of the first chapter.

Content:

The story is of a young girl whose imaginary friend turns out to be a mischievous demon named Vern. The development of the relationship between the two is excellently shown through incident and interchange. Although the actions suggested by the demon become more and more serious and there is some risk in losing the reader's sympathy for the girl, this is kept to a minimum by the lighthearted tone of Vern's conversation. When the real conflict arrives, the advent of an angel into the fray, most readers will stick with Jezebel. It may be a matter of arcane theology as to whether angels call people insulting names but it sure helps to keep the reader on side!

It is interesting to me that the angel is female. I know of no female biblical angels in the Bible and it is more likely that they are genderless. Which is an aside only and has no bearing on the piece at all - if something is only vaguely described in the authorities, the writer is free to build whatever he wants on the existing foundation.

Style:

I find your style very easy to read and without serious flaw. I, personally, would never use this modern trick of achieving emphasis by WRITING. SENTENCES. OF. ONE. WORD. ONLY. but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's my opinion that there are pre-existing ways of adding stress to a statement. But I'm a dinosaur after all and have no doubt that this method of punctuation for effect will become as common as the comma.

At this point I should mention that it is unlikely that I have much to say under this and the next headings in my reviews of later chapters. Style, flow and pace do not usually change between chapters so I will only be commenting in these areas when I notice something unusual happening.

Flow/Pace:

Your writing flows well and you are in total command of pace, selecting just the right gear for action, reflection and conversation. What more can I say? I'm not going to invent problems so that I can make the review longer. At the very least, you could make the occasional typo for me to leap on.

Suggestions:

My previous sentence was not a genuine suggestion, I hasten to add. There is really nothing I can add to attempt improvement in this piece.

Overall Impression:

A fine bit of writing telling an interesting story. I can't wait to find out where you're going with this. Excellent stuff.



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Review of Times Loss  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Review of Times Loss by Jason

Initial Impression:

I must admit that my first impression was that I have no idea what you're trying to say. First impressions are important since they decide the reader whether to continue reading or to give up. If the reader gives up, there is no second impression.

Title:

Bit of a mystery, this. Did you mean "the loss belonging to Time?" In which case it should be "Time's Loss." "Times" can be either the plural of "time" or it can function as a verb. Neither helps the title to mean anything to me. This becomes important, as we shall in my later comments.

Content:

Your big problem with the poem is that its meaning is obscure. The title gives no help in this. As it is, the reader has to attempt to find his way without any idea of what you're writing about. Unfortunately, it doesn't become any clearer as we read on. The net result is that we have a series of apparently unconnected statements and words that may convey some sense of feeling (although even that is very confused), but leave us without a hold on any meaning. In other words, the poem fails to communicate.

Communication has to be the aim in all writing or the writer might just as well keep what he writes to himself. And that means that, no matter how painful it becomes, the writer must allow the reader to know what the piece is about. It's not wrong to expect a bit of work from the reader, but some indication is necessary or the reader will stop reading. For instance, if you had titled the poem "Society Rejects," that would give the reader a basic foundation, a pointer to the meaning of the lines that follow.

Understand that I speak from experience. My first attempts at poetry were so obscure that even I had difficulty in understanding them at times. Time taight me that the best writing is done when it costs the writer something in vulnerability. This is especially true in poetry. Poetry is forged in pain, tempered by anguish and shines with power as a result.

To demonstrate what I mean, let's have a look at your first stanza. "Just hatred brings them on" immediately raises the question, "Who are they?" I have no indication of that so must press on in the hope of an answer later in the poem. "Deciphering what's lost," makes me wonder who is doing the deciphering. No one has been mentioned so far apart from the mysterious "them." Again, I have to continue to see if elucidation follows.

"Knowing what's gone." You may know but I certainly don't. I don't see why I'm kept in the dark about all this. Then "Life's time pass loss," is, apart from being ungrammatical, meaningless to me. What does it mean and how does it relate to what has gone before? You must surely see my problem here. I have no doubt you are talking about something that you feel deeply and passionately but I am left without any idea of what is causing you such feelings.

"Most of us grew." I'll take your word for it, although I haven't a clue how this relates to the rest of the poem. "s*** you bring I toss" makes me wonder if this a poem about a broken relationship. The problem with that is that the rest of the poem doesn't appear to have anything to do with such a thing. Towards the end of the piece, it seems to be shouting at society but, again, that's only a guess. And finally, "You already knew," which gives some support to the relationship theory but, unfortunately, I don't think I did know.

When we are young, many of us write poetry as a way to express the powerful emotions running through our lives. This is a cathartic experience for us but does nothing for anyone reading what is produced. It's not designed to communicate but is purely a release valve. Later in life, when we have passions more under control and communication becomes more important than release, that is when real poetry is written, words that take the reader by the hand or the scruff of the neck and lift them to experiences they did not expect. If you can aim for that now, imagine how good you'll be when you're old!

Style:

You're seeking the words and phrases that begin to express the feelings you have and then stringing them together without a great deal of concern for the reader. This results in a series of brief, explosive utterances that seem to have very little connection to the lines before and after them. You understand because you've done the thinking in between these lines but you must understand that the reader hasn't. He's missing the connections. Help him through from one thought to the next by showing how you arrived at the next statement.

There are a few errors in the poem and I'll point out the most obvious:

"Over comes" should be one word - "overcomes." Unless you really meant that "our meterial" (should be "material") comes over something, rather than beating it.

"Fore-being" is not a word. It has some sort of meaning to me but that may be a very different meaning from the one you intended. It is fine to invent words (poets do it quite often) but you should be sure that the meaning is obvious and cannot be taken another way.

It is a mistake to do away with punctuation entirely. You rob the piece of accuracy by leaving out punctuation and increase the possibility of misunderstanding.

Flow/Pace:

Rather jerky, thanks to the short lines and thoughts. I think the effort to rhyme does not help either. Several times you have had to use words that I'm sure are not exactly what you mean but they're in because they rhyme with something else. It's my opinion that you would do much better with free verse at this stage. Allow yourself the freedom to use the right word rather than the convenient rhyme.

Suggestions:

Just about everything I've written seems to have been suggestions. I'm sure you've had enough for the moment.

Overall Impression:

A wonderful reminder of some of my early poems. I'm not saying you should give up on poetry. It is a wonderful release and you will produce some really good things amongst all the catharsis. But remember, practice may not make perfect but it certainly makes better. Keep writing!



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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Interesting name, Adherennium. So much so that I enlisted Google's help in learning more. And you're certainly correct in pointing out the irony in the name. But I was drawn to your portfolio and having a tendency to start at the beginning, I read this piece first.

It is sheer delight. Comedy in the written word is excruciatingly hard to get right but, in this account, you have succeeded magnificently. I love the gentle and quiet way you present the engaging character of Father Ignatius Hepplethwaite and relaxed list of sayings that follows. Subtlety is exactly what is required in this sort of thing and you have achieved it with apparent ease.

I read every newsfeed post about Comedy in the hope of finding something worthwhile. Sadly, this has been a forlorn hope so far. Why has nobody mentioned that the great comedy killer is trying too hard? Clearly, you're way beyond that. Applause.

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Review of This Man  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Probably I shouldn't review this one (it's not as if it needs another after all those 28). I am such a sucker for this kind of thing, where the words roll off a smooth conveyor belt of sound and feeling, drowning me in their deliciousness. It's why Dylan Thomas is my favourite poet, the inevitable result of my being incapable of writing similar stuff.

So I can go ooh and ah while applauding, but you must take it with a pinch of salt, remembering that we always love most the things we cannot aspire to. I can only tell you how beautiful this poem (and the other two I read) is, what it makes me feel without really understanding why or how, envying that cascade of words that mocks my need for solid meaning.

As an old man myself, I recognise so much of myself in this poem but, if you were to ask me what, which verse affects me so, I could only make vague motions at a word here or a phrase there. And all I can do is wonder at the reasons for so many of your 28 previous reviewers denying you that final half star. Obviously, I am too in awe to be a good reviewer for you.

Oh and happy account anniversary, by the way.

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Review of Claimed  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A vivid, detailed depiction of emotion in physical form, marred slightly by minor errors. For instance, the dog describing the size of the creature in the fifth paragraph is a German Shepherd, not Shepard, and, in the paragraph that follows, "a wide, gaping mouth full ragged, dagger-like teeth" it should be "full of ragged..." I mention these only because both interrupted the flow of reading the piece.

Otherwise, this is a powerful and gripping story that achieves exactly its object - to give the reader some idea of the effect depression can have on its victims. The descriptions are particularly effective through the avoidance of the usual clichés in favour of arresting and original comparisons. Horror may be the genre, but there is more to the intent of the author, the understanding of depression being as important in the motivation for the piece.

An excellent piece, thoroughly enjoyable.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest." Paul Simon

And so does a woman, it seems. I love the picture chosen to illustrate the poem (although it illustrates a problem opposite to the one in the piece). You could definitely fit a thousand words in that one.

The poem makes a fine job of outlining the dilemma of so many husbands - how to answer the question "Does my butt look big in this?" In this case it's a mirror but the looming problem is the same in both instances.

There are one or two problems with meter but the poem flows well enough. The important thing is to lead toward the denouement and this it does very well. And the final line of advice is clearly the voice of experience. An amusing tale of a universal situation but still with an effective ending.

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Review of Just a Farmer  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this. The lines flow like a woodland stream, the rhymes roll forth in perfect order and the tale itself trundles happily towards its conclusion. In my experience, the problem with rhyming poetry is that far too much of it contains rhymes that strain and struggle to accommodate themselves in the poem but really don't belong. "Exemplary" for example, is not a word that lives happily with "Mary." From the evidence of this poem, however, you have the knack of finding words that happily join the community of your meaning. They work and, in doing so, they do not jar and interrupt the reader, preferring to work with the others towards a pleasant experience.

The result is a poem that is clear, enjoyable and polished to a gemlike brilliance. The last line is, of course, the whole point, yet the entire poem works steadily towards the goal, preventing the tale from becoming a shaggy dog story. And it's funny.

Perhaps the funniest thing, however, is that I feel this way about most things I write. Far too often, I finish one thing and think I'll never manage anything that good again. And your poem makes me realise that I'm not alone in thinking this. Thank you.

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Review of The Cage  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
And the pun is mightier than the word. This is just the kind of joke that I love and the world hates me for. It matters not. A good pun is as clever as the funniest joke and a good deal less harmful. And, if you can spin out the build-up for a while, it can even qualify as a shaggy dog story.

Which reminds me... No, I'd better not tell that one. It's got me thrown out of enough places already.

But your story. It's the very epitome of the great rib ticklers, keeping its ammo for the very last line, as it does. When that comes with the brief pause as the brain goes, "Huh? I don't see...", it's the real pay dirt. Very well done - a gem of its kind.

I notice from the Note that others have suggested you write more of the setting of the story. Personally, I think that would be a mistake. As you said, the whole point of the story is the punch line and the rest is backdrop. Spend much more on that and the tale becomes a shaggy dog story. And we all know the reception those get. *Wink*

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Review of Recipe  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a little gem! You made me smile wider than any piece of writing I can remember, especially with the last line.

The choice of rhyme is well-suited to this type of poem and you keep up the rhythm and meter very well. It flows exceptionally well and allows the reader to concentrate on the meaning of the words, rather than how to say them. The line "Two belly buttons, fresh or canned" is inspired and proof of a mischievous imagination behind the poem. And that final line still makes me grin.

It's a masterpiece of the eight-line genre. And I should know, having written hundreds of 8-liners! Applause for a job superbly done and in so few words.

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Review of Tome at Last  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This took me through the whole gamut (whatever that is) of emotions. The clue was in the title but, having failed to notice that the first time around, I took everything quite seriously with the first stanza. From that point on, the comic situation presented by the poem became increasingly obvious until, in the last stanza, all is revealed and we can smile at last. It's quite a tour de force and very cleverly done.

Any writer would sympathise with the story that unfolds and I am no exception. It's just self publication that proves beyond my ambition. But kudos to the protagonist in daring the task of typesetting.

I must admit that I find rhyming to be hard to take seriously nowadays. It is so overused in adverts, nursery ditties and the public's imagination that I rarely use it. But you have a good eye for a rhyme that doesn't smack one in the eye or give a smile where none is intended. In fact, your poem gives weight to my theory that rhyme is only appropriate today in poems that are intended to be comic. What power that remains to rhyme is then most effectively used.

All in all, it's a most enjoyable poem, especially to those of us who have experience in the writing game.

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Review of Dearly Beloved  
Review by Beholden
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I like this a lot. You're a weaver, taking the threads of events and weaving them into a pleasing tale. The history of Ed and Rosie is the first thread and around it are the season of cold and Halloween, the afghan, woven in her own story by Rosie, now the old man's comfort as he seeks protection from the cold and, finally, the poem, a voice raised in harmony to Ed's experiences. It's a simple story made beautiful by the carefully chosen threads that make up the complete picture.

Clearly, you have the sense of timing to know when each quote should be inserted, to echo the events as they proceed in the story, the cold and the old man's cough returning at intervals to remind us of Ed's frailty, and the afghan, reminding us again and again of Rosie herself.

The writing is clear, simple and expressive, and the reader is eased along through the story, becoming one with it as you weave your spell. I found no flaws or grammatical errors and enjoyed reading the tale immensely.

Oh, and Happy Account Anniversary too!

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Review of Stranded  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I see it was your account anniversary yesterday. Well, that means you get a review from me. Sorry, but it's a danger we must all face sooner or later!

Stranded was chosen for word count. Especially when on a raid, time is of the essence, so it's reasonable to limit a piece to circa 1,000 words. Poetry is more difficult to review so different rules apply. Anyway, it's my approach and it works for me.

Interesting that you state the genre as Travel and Experience. I hope none of your vacations was like this (although the setting is quite idyllic). If it were me, I'd have chucked Horror in there as well.

It's a powerful little story that is gradually and systematically revealed in all its goriness. Most expertly done! Date is not mentioned but, from the fact of the vacation cruiser having broken down must put it as second half of the twentieth century at the earliest. I would have though it'd be difficult to find a tropical island inhabited by cannibals so recently but it matters not - the story is too much fun to let that spoil our enjoyment.

I must congratulate you for your handling of the denouement. Holding back the gory details was the way to go, allowing the reader to supply the real horror of the situation in imagination.

Altogether, this is a fine story, simple but shocking in its plot and written with a light but competent touch. Bravo!

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations as being the featured Anniversary Reviewer for Anniversary Reviews this month!

Which is why I had a dig around in your portfolio, of course. Everything seemed to lead to Meeting Simon... so this is my review.

It's a heart-warming story, although I had a moment of doubt when it became apparent that "it was all a dream." This is not used in the "cheat" form so forbidden in the recommendations of writing, however, it being the whole point of the story. Add to that the fact that it can be taken as real (as I did on first reading) and the wagging finger pales into insignificance.

The strength of the story is that it's grounded in reality, proceeding as it does from your circumstances at the time. All leads to the extract from the Serenity Prayer which proves to be God's answer to the desperation of your initial prayer. It's a finely worked, straightforward plot that is very satisfying in its completeness.

Your writing is uncomplicated, honest and with an immediacy that speaks of personal experience. There are no grammatical errors for me to quibble about and a joy to read entirely. Well done.

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Review of Invasion  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Vegetable invaders from space at last! It's different, especially in the mysterious telepathic connection between the aliens and Gabriel's dreams. He should read more science fiction - then he'd have picked up the correlation between his dreams and the invasive species in his garden a little earlier. The reader does and it becomes merely a matter of finding out how it all pans out.

Therein lies a minor problem. The more obvious it becomes that the plants are actually invaders trying to establish a foothold on earth and that Gabriel is experiencing their thoughts and feelings in his dreams, the more the reader becomes torn between the two sides. It's natural that we should support Gabriel's struggles to protect his patch of the earth, but then we begin to feel sympathy for the aliens, driven from their home planet and just wanting a bit of ground to re-establish themselves. Their tiny screams are the point at which the straw breaks the camel's back. We no longer care that Gabriel sleeps soundly - we no longer root for anyone.

Being able to see both sides of the story is a fine thing but not very good for taking sides. And most stories require that we root for the guy in the white hat and boo the baddies. Maybe that was your intent but I'm not sure it's a wise policy for a writer.

But it's still a most enjoyable story, well written and entertaining.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your portfolio asked me how you're doing. I'd have to say pretty well, going by this little tale. Of course, the intro to the port was written some time ago so you've had plenty of time to improve before writing this piece. Maybe this is the moment to adjust the intro in that case.

The story itself is a pleasant bit of flash fiction with a gentle surprise in the tail. It's romance so it doesn't matter that there's not a huge amount of conflict before the denouement. The writing is very competent, without errors, and maintains the reader's interest through to the end. I do wonder, however, whether the setting is Bradford, England, or Bradford, somewhere else. Living in New England, I am surrounded by towns borrowing the place names of my homeland and I get a bit confused at times.

Thanks for an entertaining read.

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