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1,130 Public Reviews Given
1,131 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
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Review of Father  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A very beautiful story and I'm sure everyone who reads it will, like me, wish you the best through this difficult time. You had a father who was a real gem and you are who you are thanks to him. Remember the good times.

As to your writing, I am presuming that English is not your first language and, if I am correct in that, you have an astoundingly good grasp of it. In fact, you write better in it than far too many of those whose first language it is. I particularly like the way you do not load your words with too much weight of flowery description and unnecessary asides. Your style is very story-driven and you are not easily distracted into irrelevant side alleys. The history of your father and yourself is told accurately and without flourish. This allows the reader to share in your experiences, rather than being instructed in how they ought to feel. The piece is very moving as a result.

Well done and thank you for sharing these treasured experiences.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a wonderful experience. And one that I can empathise with, having at one time in my life been an aspiring painter. Except I never sold anything - if someone liked what I'd done, I would give it to them.

But anyway, it's clear I'll not find any mistakes in your writing, in spite of your protestations of fallibility. I'm sure you weren't a proofreader for nothing. But I had to come a long way to find the prose I was looking for. Sure, I read a few poems along the way but I really wanted prose if I was going to review anything. And, on this piece's evidence, you know how to write, so I wonder why no fiction. Have you tried it at all?

But, if you really don't want to give it a go, you should write a few more pieces like this one - personal anecdotes and memories, in other words. I learned from a very good friend of a few years back that we old uns have a wealth of experience in our heads that others love to hear about. Certainly worth thinking about, you know.

Anyway, thanks for sharing that wonderful story. It is a pleasure to read.

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Review of April Fools  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this. You had me waiting to hear about the joke on Todd and then there's all this stuff about their departments and the people who work in them. It's as though I fell for it as hard as did Clarice. But that's okay, I can take a joke.

The dialogue is very natural and believable. And that's about it, there being very little narrative or description in the piece. Thinking about it, however, I know exactly what you mean by a "pub-style burger and onion rings."

To sum up, it's an amusing and entertaining little tale and I have no hesitation in giving it five stars. But I would suggest you add to the single genre listed in its description. Many readers gather as much info as they can about a piece before deciding to read and the more we can give them, the more likely it is that we'll hook them.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A fascinating tale. Stirs all sorts of undercurrents, not least those of Jesus' childhood. I had some trouble getting into the story (more on that in a moment) but then was hooked and drawn in until I couldn't escape. Which is a lot to happen to a reader in a piece as short as this but it's true. You have a way with words and know how to make something compelling.

Grey eyes are a part of that, I think. There are various shades in grey (not sure if there are fifty but there ya go) and I'm sure we imagine the most striking of them when reading. I see them as very light, impossible to ignore. A powerful image.

And so to my difficulty in getting into the story. It's the profusion of 'J' names. It takes a while to sort out who is who and the fact that all the names begin with J doesn't help. If this isn't a necessary part of the story that I've missed, I would definitely think about changing that.

Otherwise it's a well told, striking tale that is hard to put down. The Jesus connection occurred to me when the stranger identified Jasper as the future leader of the revolution and was confirmed when Jamie made it clear that she knew about that. It had me wondering whether Jesus had similar experiences. In fact, maybe that's the reason for the J names.

Anyway, I love the story. Wonderful tale!


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Review of The Triangle  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ah, good planning is so important, isn't it? Well written tale that goes along at a cracking pace, providing plenty of suspense and, in the end, a suitable twist.

You write well, in a very clear style and refusing all temptations to digress. There are no grammatical
errors or typos, so you leave me with very little to do except provide applause. Excellent stuff!

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Loved this, especially the accent. It's not easy to keep up a lengthy monologue in a given accent without becoming tedious, but you managed it with ease. A tour de force indeed.

The story is wonderful too, a delicious blend of the fanciful and a matter-of-fact tone that gives the tale an air of authenticity. If a rough old farm hand were to tell a tall tale, this is exactly how it would be delivered. I can remember many such accounts heard in my youth in Africa, except there the wildlife would probably have been veldskoens rather than rabbits. Southern hemisphere inhabitants do love to pull the legs of recent arrivals.

Which is not to say that I don't believe you. When a tale is told so well, how could I possibly say it nay? Cracking stuff, mate, and keep it up!

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Review of Winter Roses  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review of Winter Roses by Kare Enga

Initial Impression:

This is a very different take on the picture prompt. To have two ghosts (if that's what they are) as the central characters is a bit unusual and rivals the standalone door as the mystery that drives your chapter. And who are the visitors that seem to be able to see the ghosts? It's mystery piled upon mystery and the reader is going to be almost forced to read on to discover the answers. Which is exactly what a first chapter is supposed to achieve, of course.

Title:

A good title, in that it highlights the roses as important in the story but gives nothing away. And that's without mentioning that roses don't grow in the winter - another mystery!

Content:

Not a great deal happens in this chapter but there is plenty of interest, thanks to the mysteries and the almost dreamlike visits from people who may be connected to the deceased. The door has opened only once but we are not allowed much of a glimpse of whatever is on the other side. And this makes its easy surrender to the final visitor more intriguing. What is it about him that makes the door yield without difficulty?

So this first chapter is about setting up the mysteries that are going to be woven together and explained in the rest of the book.

Style:

The chapter is written in a simple, bare style that is entirely appropriate to its content. There is very little description and no explanation, and this heightens the air of mystery. This matter-of-fact style works very well in the chapter but may not do so well in the chapters that might follow one day. One can play one's cards close to the chest for a while but they have to be revealed eventually. If the minimalist style is followed for too long, the reader will become irritated and perhaps turn away.

There are no grammatical errors or typos evident and it's clear that you can write very well. The one quibble I might mention is that, in writing a book, you would have to bend a little in your attitude towards the reader. To remain obstinately obscure will put readers off in time. Obviously, I say this because I've read a lot of your work; it's not evident from this brief chapter.

Flow/Pace:

Nothing wrong here - everything flows along at a steady pace and there are no trip ups at all. You know where you're going and you get there on time and without detour.

Suggestions:

Only what I have already mentioned. It would make a very gripping book, I think.

Overall Impression:

Well, I'd really like to know how you'd bring all this together in the book that supposedly follows. Which means you've achieved the aim of a first chapter - to get the reader to carry on into the second chapter. An extremely competent and tantalising entry to the contest.

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Review of The crypt  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review of The Crypt by Sumojo

Initial Impression:

I couldn't find any reference to the prompt in your chapter. No freestanding doors in a field. You may have thought the mausoleums were sufficient or perhaps the intention was to have a freestanding door in some later chapter, but that would not be including the prompt as required in the Chapter One contest. It is not up to me to decide on the eligibility of your entry, but I thought I should mention it since it was a part of my initial impression.

Title:

I am presuming that the title refers to this chapter only. The book, were it ever written, might have an entirely different name in that case. I take it that the crypt referred to is the mausoleum near which is the grave of the young woman. As such it serves well enough.

Content:

This is the tale of a young photographer who enters a cemetery in the evening with the intent of taking some atmospheric photos for her portfolio. Seems reasonable enough but then the spooky occurrences begin to mount, culminating in the appearance of the dead (presumably) girl with arms outstretched before her. She turns out to be a vampire and the photographer flees and has to climb the gates to escape.

It's a cliffhanger of an ending to the chapter, posing the question of her survival or otherwise. Is it sufficient to make a reader wish to continue reading? I am undecided. The chapter does seem a bit light in content and really needs more interaction amongst the mausoleums and gravestones to pique the reader's interest.

Am I saying it should be longer? Not necessarily. It would benefit from a little editing of unnecessary detail to provide the space for more detailed exploration of the graves. The destination of the empty Coke can seems a bit surplus to requirements, for instance.

Style:

You write competently, without grammatical error or missed typos, but I think your effort in description is going in the wrong direction. There's nothing wrong with us knowing a little of the appearance of the protagonist but it should not interfere with the action or atmosphere of the main thrust of the story. It would probably have been better to describe the photographer at the beginning, while she was still sitting in the car. That way, she doesn't interfere with the atmosphere you will need to build once the cemetery is entered. We need to feel the creepiness of the place as it gathers, ready to pounce on the unsuspecting lady. So tell us about increasing gloom as the sun goes down, describe the mausoleum and and the mossy, weathered gravestones. Build the tension before the girl appears.

Flow/Pace:

This is fine, apart from the point that the running scenes need to be speeded up somewhat. Short, sharp sentences can give the impression of hurried steps and don't interrupt the action with her thoughts. Let us feel the panic through her actions.

Suggestions:

I think I've preempted myself on this one. 'Nuff said.

Overall Impression:

It has potential for development with just a few tweaks and additions. Sound work that just needs a little injection of excitement.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review of The Ramstein Gate: Chapter One

Initial Impression:

Very impressed with the title and glad to see the sensible font. One gets tired of getting lost in acres of tiny characters that dance and mingle on the page. Happy, too, to see that the setting is Germany; I'm a great fan of Gunter Grass' books. Also intrigued to see that the genre of Crime/Gangster is mentioned. I haven't seen a lot of those. So your chapter started on the right foot with me.

Title:

As I've said already, I like the title. It has echoes of gravity and mystery, promising something beyond the average. Isn't there a German heavy metal group called Ramstein? More echoes there, I think.

Content:

The story is intriguing, presenting a totally unexpected mystery as it does. I wondered how on earth you were going to explain the transmission of the gateway from the States to the Black Forest were you ever to continue with the book. That's quite a task you've set yourself. There is certainly enough material here to capture a reader and drive them on to the chapters that follow. But you need to be careful about how much information you supply. At times the flood of detail is enough to deter the reader, so much is poured out at once.

Style:

You have a tendency to include too much unimportant detail. The chapter would benefit from an edit that strains out the wealth of incidental information that slows the narrative and demands too much of the reader. Frau Schmidt's monologue in the second paragraph, for instance, may be a faithful rendering of a German presenter's style, but it is daunting and tedious in its monolithic appearance. It is, in effect, an info dump presented too early and in one indigestible lump at a reader who is yet undecided as to whether to read the book. Far better not to report it word for word but to extract the salient facts and present them as a summary of what was said. Or, better still, to feed them into the narrative in smaller bites.

Don't be too concerned that the reader understand the inevitable cultural references in a story set in a country that is foreign to them. They need to know that the setting is Germany, yes, but that's enough. The information that the ARD network is German is overkill - the reader will understand this without being told.

Be wary, too, of repetition. The essential elements are that there was a house in the States built by the Ramsdens and the doorway from that house has now appeared in the grounds of a house in Germany. A few details around that can build understanding but they need to be tightly controlled. Too much and the reader begins to flag.

The discussion of forensics could be reduced to a couple of sentences, just to show the reader that such things are being looked at. Again, we don't need to go into detail.

I know how we writers have a need to show the reader exactly what is going on and why, but we need to curb that drive, recognising that they only have so much time and patience to devote to the book. If we can filter the wealth of background information that we have, so that only the essential points get through, we can rely on readers to fill in the gaps with their own understanding. It's a skill that we have to develop if we are to hold our readers and have them wanting more.

Flow/Pace:

Both flow and pace are affected by the matters already mentioned. The lady from ARD is a block to the flow of the piece, her speech forming a rather solid boulder that almost halts the stream of the narrative. And the pace is slowed every time you decide that you have more information to impart. This would not matter if the piece were about some technical explanation requiring a lot of thought to digest, but it's a mystery that requires action and progress for us to remain interested.

Suggestions:

I would consider getting rid of the reporters and the police with their official and bureaucratic approach to everything and, instead, allowing Herr Grundmann or a younger relative to investigate the matter. Then we could uncover things at the same pace as he does and not as a waterfall of information right at the start. This also allows the reader to be a part of the investigation and feel a connection to the story.

Overall Impression:

You have a fascinating story to tell. It is quite gripping and drives the reader on to want to know more. Ideal for a first chapter, in other words. All it needs is a thorough weeding out of information that is not needed or can wait for later in the book. Give us the essence and we'll follow you anywhere to learn the rest!

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Review of Spring Ritual  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aha! I've been looking for something from you to review and this fits the bill perfectly.

It was the form that caught my eye immediately. Constraints that tight are going to tax anyone. And you make a very good job of it, starting with a sneeze. So apt a welcome to the season that teases the hay fever sufferer. I especially like the way you mix the annoying symptoms with the pleasure of the warming season after a long, hard winter. Impossible not to be glad of that, even if it does mean a running nose and watering eyes.

I can't fault it really, apart from one thing. The Notes afterward are more interesting than the poem! I love the mathematical nature of the form, even though I've never been into math. But then we get into that business about florets and wishies. Dang, I love dandelions anyway and now I know the proper names for the seeds and floaty things. That one word (you know which one I mean) is worth all the other words on the page - it says everything about the thing. A wishie - I must remember that.

So thanks for a most entertaining and educational read. Most enjoyable.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a powerful poem. It has a depth of meaning and emotion uncommon in the world. I would not normally review a poem on breast cancer being a man and therefore with no experience of such things, but this is about far more than that, isn't it? And I'm human too.

There's a line in the first stanza that made me sit up and take notice. "I've no strength left to submit." I'm a sucker for anything ambiguous at the best of times but this is something special. At first glance it seems to be saying that there's no strength left after the battles of life in order to surrender. Does it take strength to submit? What a question! I'll have to think long and hard about that but I suspect it's true.

But then there's the alternative meaning of "submit" - to put forward for consideration. So there is the statement that there is no strength left to put up against these slings and arrows of life. And that would be the more usual meaning in this situation. I think both are true but my opinion hardly matters. It is enough to point out the delightful double meaning.

And I've spent too long on one line as usual and now everything else will look hurried. It's what I tend to do, I'm afraid.

There follows images to describe the hopeless feeling of a woman in that state, held up only by an angel bringing comfort and rescue from surrender to the beast. You have a gift for description that is well used. And the final answer is in faith, just as you say.

Contrary to its initial description, this is a poem of hope and not despair. It is quite beautiful in its facing up to the terrible problem, finding redemption beyond what we see with our eyes. Really tremendous stuff - I cannot praise it enough.

Oh, and there are no grammatical errors or typos - as if that would matter!

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Review of Murphy's Vacation  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this, especially the sting in the tail so effectively hidden until the last moment. It brings reason to all that precedes it. The intermittent but unobtrusive rhymes are entirely in keeping with the tone of the poem, its chronicle of mishaps and final denouement. Poor Murphy, doomed to a life of tragedy.

It's almost a shame that we derive entertainment from the trials of another soul but it's an important constituent of comedy. The poem remains a most effective tickling of the funny bone, a gentle and harmless brand of humour. Well done.

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Review of Trash Night  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Flash fiction indeed. And written for SCREAMS!!! That's a familiar situation, I must admit. Interesting to see how someone else goes about it.

And it's quite strange, really. You throw the protagonist out into the dark night without jacket or shoes, just enough to make him uncomfortable. Then add the weird guy next door and we're off! It's gloriously scary, strange, meaningless and gripping. Poor Jeff didn't stand a chance.

It's the complete absence of meaning that builds the deep unease that the story creates. No motive is suggested, no reasons explored and no reflections on the state of the world as the story hurries on to its conclusion. The unknown is terrifying enough but this unreasoned insanity is unsettling beyond that. It needs a government health warning about not reading it late at night.

The pace is exactly what is needed, starting easily with a few details and descriptions, but gathering pace as the plot unveils itself and ending in a frantic rush and rabid explosion of action. It's very effective. I found no flaws in the grammar or technique.

An excellent example of the horror genre.

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Review of The Gift of Love  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like it. More than the previous reviewers did, by the look of those stars up there. I suppose they wanted a more sensible denouement, that the whole thing be more practical and grown up. But I like that the mystery does not dissolve with the opening of the package. Somehow the magic is made the greater by the gift being large, green clown shoes.

And that's the secret of the story. The magic that is created by a large, mysterious package arriving and the fact that it's clown shoes. Both boys feel it - "They were the craziest, ugliest, weirdest most wonderful shoes either boy had ever seen" - and that's where it is for the reader too. The trick is to place yourself in the position of the boys and to experience the full wonder of the gift. We are privileged to be in the same position as they are (as is the mother), knowing that the gift could only have come from the father. We must join with the boys or become as the stepfather and his, "Who sends a kid clown shoes?"

It is exactly as the title declares, a gift of love.

There is nothing that can detract from that, not even the teasing delay and repetition in getting the gift up the stairs to the boy's room where it can be opened in private. It's a delicious extension of the magic of anticipation. And the whole thing is a wonderful, quiet but magic tale that deserves the five stars I'm giving it.

Thank you, good sir, for a most enjoyable read.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Only Short Stories saved me at the perfect moment. Having been led astray by SCREAMS!!! to the point where I was writing only horror stories, I had a rude realisation of how much I'd come to depend on that contest when it decided to go on indefinite hiatus. Suddenly I was left without a contest to aim at and a rather desperate search for a replacement began.

It was more difficult than I'd expected. Oh, there are a few short story contests out there but, to be frank (or even Ernest), their prompts failed to ignite my interest. That's the trouble with the dark side - it has all the best music and prompts, leaving the good guys scrabbling to compete!

That was when OSS came along and rescued me from my despair. With a simple, no-nonsense format and rules, straightforward but interesting prompts, this was the perfect solution to my ills. And I'm not just saying that because I won the first round. This review was going to be written whatever happened.

There were only three entries for the first contest (perhaps that's why I won). Surely many more will follow in the months to come. This excellent contest deserves nothing less.

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Review of The Hanging  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
So the black sheep of the family brings about their ruin! A neat little story that, although not typically horror, has enough dark irony to make up for it.

I like that the hanging is telegraphed immediately through the title and opening paragraph. No relying on the tension of not knowing the future for this story. The first hint that there is more to this than meets the eye comes in the second paragraph, when we learn that the hanged Danforth will not be the only one to suffer. That shows a great deal of confidence in the twist that awaits us. It's going to have to be a good one.

And the final paragraph does not disappoint. I can imagine your glee in wiping out the entire family with food poisoning contracted at the wake following the hanging. It's the kind of thing that would delight me too. Oh, the irony!

Such a quiet, humble and unpretentious tale and yet it delivers so much enjoyment. Well done indeed.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
An amusing tale with a punch in the ending from out of the blue. There is little opportunity to build characters in flash fiction but you have managed that ably in this piece. Ohls may approach caricature but you never allow him to descend into a cartoon. And you make an excellent job of Jessie-Belle with just enough stress on her penchant for laughter (which you're going to need eventually, of course).

The difficult character is the narrator. It is clear that he disapproves of the DA's underhand tactics, yet he goes along with Ohl's schemes with very little resistance. Perhaps he has been beaten down by too many years of service to his corrupt master. It's a human enough failing, after all.

The plot itself unfolds with a steady flow and the occasional wry observation. There are no flaws in the writing that I can see and the whole piece is a delightful tale with a mischievous twist in the last few sentences. Most enjoyable.

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Review of I'm Sorry  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this poem on a run through Read & Review. It is fairly hard to assess it without knowing exactly what you're apologising for (I'm a Brit so I know all about apologising even when it's not my fault) but you succeed in getting across the apology itself. Naturally, I feel the urge to give advice but that's not really my remit. I'm supposed to tell you how good or bad the writing is.

And I have to say that the poem is effective and the writing must be good therefore. The reader is immediately hooked by such personal and unexpected revelation of the self and this grows into sympathy and empathy with each stanza thereafter. If there is a weakness in the writing, it is that there are rather too many words. This is a by product of the way in which you have written the poem, almost as a flow of consciousness, and would easily be fixed by a judicious editing.

You have moments of clear insight and poetic expression ("Each word hits and forms a bruise" for instance). Don't dilute them with the addition of common expressions that say nothing ("other people are so amazing"). In that example, it would be better to say what about them seems amazing to you. Then we can be amazed with you.

But I am picking around the edge. In fact, you have written a good poem that reveals an aspect of you (and that is what poetry is - the poet breaking off chunks of himself and handing them to the reader). Well done and keep writing!

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Beholden


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Review of The White Rose  
Review by Beholden
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Fascinating. I would recommend, however, that some indication be made in the description that this is not the the whole story. If it is intended to be a short story, either I don't get it (even after the second reading plus a perusal of your portfolio) or it's the first chapter or prologue to a longer work. From the lone rating you've had so far, I'd guess that I'm not the only one who felt a bit disappointed to reach the end.

Having said which, however, I must say that the piece is excellent. Your writing is flawless in style and execution, leading the reader on towards an expected denouement. If there were more chapters, I cannot see anyone being able to put the thing down. By the time we reach the end, we are all solidly on Manny's side and avid for more. Which is all encouragement to continue writing, of course.

As I mentioned, I read a little way into your portfolio and was equally impressed by the quality of your writing there. Summer Jam is wonderful! I am congratulating myself on having discovered a major talent to add to my little collection. It would be a crime were you not to continue writing, sir.

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Review of The Swamp  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a well written, absorbing study of a murder and subsequent disposal of the body. I like the quiet, matter-of-fact delivery as we are led through the story by Abby's thoughts. It is just the right tone of a practical-minded person who has thought about the deed for some time and now, even though it's initiation has been quite accidental, she is taking the next steps in her characteristic, planned approach.

I think it is this that makes the story horror. Abby's cool demeanour as she tells the story is foreign to most of us who would be shaken up by the events, to say the least. I particularly like the presence of little Bobby Cohen's ghost in the swamp and the way Abby does not question it or depart from her plan.

If I had any quibble about the story, it would be that there is no twist in the tail. When I read about Abby's sinking shin deep into the muck, I thought, Ahah, she will disappear into a quagmire and the tale will end with her comeuppance! But that would have been a bit cheesy and you have taken the higher route, I think.

Ultimately, it's a gem of a story that I cannot fault. Well done!

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Review of Retrospect  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this very much. It's honest, searching, replete with flashes of memory common to all us, I should think. Stuff about common humanity and all that. But you have a way with words. I particularly like your description: "I've thought about it some more." It gave me a starting place, a hint of what was to come that was quite revealing, as it turned out.

There's so much in this poem that I can only select certain passages that I found especially affecting and make me want to say something about. For instance: "...so comfortable in the skin that you craved,
that I became a believer in
the legend of me.
A strange weight to carry."
Yes, I can believe that is how it feels - you have expressed it so well. I want to interrupt and say that we (males) are not all like that, that there's more to most of us that we keep hidden. But that's not my place and I have hardly begun to read the poem as yet. There is bound to be more.

"I had come to put my faith in
unconditional endurance."

So many of us do exactly that.

"and whisper to me, never knowing
that I was keeping every word,
somewhere deep."

It may just be my experience but I think that women do this more than men. Males don't store as much (perhaps they have less room) and are always surprised at how much is recalled by females.

The last stanzas are so painful that I daren't touch them. It certainly sounds like love. And that's your strength - with so few words you capture an emotion and lay it as a trap on the page for others to fall into. It's a talent that cannot be dissected and laid out on a table for others to learn from. I don't know why it works so well, the mechanics and button-pressing of the words and their combination that speaks so eloquently to the reader. I only know that it does work.

Just today I read somewhere that Read & Review is supposed to select new works so that stuff written years ago and probably no longer relevant to the author doesn't get too many reviews. I'm glad that it doesn't work very well and that it presented me with this. It is a comfort to me to know that there are still people around who know how to write seriously excellent poetry. Thank you.

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Review of Bobby [162]  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Review of Bobby by Kåre Enga in Montana

Initial Impression:

Interesting little story, quite enticing in fact, and leading the reader to want a Chapter Two!

Title:

As the Brit commercial has it, "It does exactly what it says on the tin." Quite adequate as a chapter title, especially as the chapter is short enough for the title to be understood quickly.

Content:

The story so far is simple enough (boy has friend who fades away until he disappears, then the boy seems absent afterwards) but has a twist in the last sentence that leads us immediately into more complex ramifications. Is this going to be supernatural? Or does the finding of Johnny result from a more normal explanation? The reader has only one solution to these thoughts - read on into the next chapters!

It's an excellent device that few readers will be able to resist. And that's what a first chapter is for, after all. The idea of naming Chapter 2 at the end is excellent. It completes Chapter 1 with the feeling that the book continues and one need only turn the page to read more. Given that you were only asked to write a first chapter, this is delightful in its impression of a whole book just awaiting the reader.

Style:

I had some difficulty with the first two paragraphs. Three people were thrown at me in very few words and I had to stop and reread to work out who was who. One was easy - Mary Beth (more on her later) was clearly the narrator. She seems to know a lot about Bobby's love for trees and throwing apples. But then we're suddenly talking about Johnny. I thought his name was Bobby? More rereading. Ah, I see, Johnny must be Bobby's friend with a tree in his backyard. But you see what has happened? I've had to reread at least twice before I've got these characters sorted out. A little adjustment in the writing needed, I think.

Now, about Mary Beth. Remember my first surprise that she knows so much about Bobby. As the chapter goes on, I begin to wonder who she is. She's telling me all this stuff about Bobby and Johnny but I have no idea who she is, how she relates to the boys, how old she is. Right at the end of the chapter, Bobby at last relates to her by saying, "Mary Beth, I found Johnny." So she's almost certainly not his mother. A friend, perhaps? But she doesn't seem to relate to the boys as anything other than an observer.

I think this is a mistake. If some sort of relationship can be established early on, we are going to be more comfortable with her telling the tale.

And so to a matter of style. I like the voice in which this is written, the informal language and unadorned narrative. It's just that I think you may be overdoing it. Ellipses start blossoming everywhere as you try to illustrate Mary Beth's pauses to think or correct things. It becomes distracting and might be better if some were taken out. For instance, in the first sentence, the word "apples" doesn't really need to be fenced in with two ellipses.

My impression is that you are echoing the voice of a young (probably the same age as the boys) girl telling the tale of boys that she knew at the time. I find that very believable and realistic. Just one sentence bugs me a little - "I wish he would've." As a Brit, that sounds clumsy to me, although I'm aware it may be usual in America. "I wish I would have" would be easier on my ear but it still sounds wrong. A Brit would just say, "I wish he had."

That may be a Brit/American thing so please take no notice if that's so.

Flow/Pace:

Both flow and pace are appropriate to the subject matter and the atmosphere being created.

Suggestions:

Enough said on this score, I think.

Favourite line or part:

"Mr. Fink's outhouse tipped over and Mrs. Baker's undies flew through the air; but, except for a few leaves, the trees were spared." Love the detail, especially the picture of Mrs Baker's undies flying through the air.

Overall Impression:

A very competent first chapter that goes straight to the point and tells a fascinating tale. The few improvements I've suggested might help but, as always, this is for you to decide.

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Review of The Homecoming Ch.1 by DoubleCat

Initial Impression:

I liked the pace and length of this chapter. It was quite clear that you understood that there is plenty of time to get to the details when writing a book. The job of the first chapter is to get the reader interested in both the characters and the story, to be hooked, in fact. This you have done very well. There were a few points where I had to stop, have a think and read again, but I think these could be sorted out very easily.

Title:

I take it that Homecoming is the title of the book and that the chapters are numbered rather than named. It's a valid approach, particularly in a book written for adults. Obviously, it's impossible for me to tell whether the title is appropriate when I have only one chapter to go on, but that can be looked at more closely if and when the book is ever completed.

Content:

I usually have a look at a writer's portfolio before writing a review and I admit to viewing yours. That has to be one of the shortest bios I've seen so far. But you're right, you would definitely pet my cat - she's irresistible. But I digress.

The story so far is interesting enough to hold the reader's attention, although, when it comes to talk of magical things, the writing becomes a bit vague and it is easy to become confused. I understand that, at this point, you can't depart into detailed explanations of how things work, but you need to consider just how much you reveal. That could mean leaving out some references to matters not explained, rather than leaving them hanging and inviting misconception. We already know that the protagonist is well versed in magic and are prepared to accept that he has special powers therefore.

Another point where I had to read the relevant sentences more than once is when he starts talking about the disappearance of Chad's son. I had to re-read to make sure of who Chad was and then work out that it was his son we were talking about. The passage is over-complicated, I think. All we really need to know is that Chad had married, had kids and his son was now missing. It is unlikely that the narrator, having lost touch with Chad, would suddenly receive a detailed account of the son's disappearance. The description of the loss seems beyond the protagonist's POV. More likely he would have learned of the disappearance and decided then to help.

Once I had sorted this out in my head, the remaining chapter went very smoothly and it proved a great read. I particularly like the dialogue between the narrator and the son's ghost (?) - it seems very realistic and believable.

Style:

Now I have to say the words that are spoken to me so often. You tend to say too much, leaving the reader with a wealth of detail that he needs to sort out before progressing. I understand completely the need to make sure the reader is getting the picture right but we have to allow a certain amount of leeway in this. Let them see the details in the way they want to while we ensure that the important things are clear to them. As an example, the shovel hitting the protagonist's ankle is an unnecessary detour into the mundane. It's a fine detail that only serves to detract from the true thrust of the narrative. Yes, it sounds real, but does it matter to the story?

Flashes of light upon incidental details do enliven a tale and give it reality but feed them in sparingly. Too much and it becomes a confusing mass of sights and sounds that do not help.

Your style does, however, show that you know what you're doing. You tell a story with great fluidity and vocabulary, without irritating little grammar mistakes and typos. And that already sets you above most writers. Be a little more economical with your handling of detail and I'll not fault you.

Flow/Pace:

I have already mentioned fluidity (the same as flow). Pace does slow a bit in parts but cut back the words a bit and that'll be solved.

Suggestions:

Ah, I think I've already made all the suggestions I had. You've done a good job.

Overall Impression:

Yes, it's a fine piece of work that achieves what it sets out to do. I'd certainly read on and that's what it's all about, after all.

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Review of The Magic Ring  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really like this. It's an original idea and I love the thought that a plastic ring found in a cereal packet might be the magic ring that controls the universe.

You have created a perfect little tale as the vehicle for this idea and kept the secret until, right at the end, it emerges as the point. Nicely done, especially as you haven't concealed the fact that you have a decoder ring. That would be cheating the reader, after all.

The final sentence is perfect. No flights of fancy or huge events to overpower the story. You nonchalantly accept this extra power granted by the ring and go along with the aliens' perception of their situation. Such presence of mind!

It's a delightful little tale that does exactly what flash fiction is supposed to do. Well done!

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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a wonderful piece that suffers from being all alone in your portfolio. Considering its subject and the fact that it is the only entry in your twelve months of membership with WdC (happy anniversary, by the way), one is tempted to imagine all sorts of outcomes from the adventure as set out in your essay. It seems a pity that we may be deprived of reading any more from such a talented writer.

Which returns me to the review. This is a striking piece, both in its honesty and literary style. The description of the shower scene, in particular, is very powerful. And the adventure of departing for a new and unknown land quite terrifying in its possibilities. As a prescription for "insecurity, defeat and cynicism" it is radical to say the least. But I guess it's not the first time "kill or cure" has worked well for the patient.

And you see how the piece constantly deflects me from commenting on the style. It is so powerful that the reader's attention is fixed on considering its proposals. Which must mean that the writing is successful. Of course it helps that it is grammatically correct, that it flows smoothly and is well paced, that your vocabulary is more than adequate to convey the emotions you experienced.

Now all you have to do is prove that you can always write this well. You really ought to throw a few more pieces at the portfolio, you know.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


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