This is a great story, full of drama. Good descriptions are used throughout to bring to life the scene of a near-disastrous birthday.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The story flows well.
In this line,
Quite some years ago my wife Marsha
I would place a comma after “ago.”
And in this line you have a run on sentence
Each week this team of modern-day Robin Hoods would rescue downtrodden citizens, using their wits, ingenuity, and maximum Hollywood firepower with blazing guns, car chases, and explosions; just the type of TV series any young boy would enjoy.
I would suggest breaking this into two sentences by placing a period after “citizens.”
This time reading your story, I think there are too many references to “A-Team.”
How about if you took it out of this sentence
Marsha placed our order for an A-Team themed cake
And said instead “Marsha placed the order for the themed cake…”
And here
that old dog blithely sidestepped grandma and rushed across the room in a beeline for the cakebox!
The word “blithely” sticks out to me. If I read the definition, it could fit, but I think another action word for a dog might work better. Perhaps “lithely?”
In summation:
I still enjoy this story. Some of the above suggestions may seem nit-pickey, but there’s not much left to fix!
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Very clever usage of the three prompt words. I probably would have leaned toward something spooky or spiritualistic. That you took it in a different direction shows real range and creativity.
Favorite bit:
a hush settled upon the room;
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The poem flows well, and follows the proper format for a quatrain.
In this line,
The Book, it sat center stage
I don’t think I understood at first what it meant. You’re referring to the bible? I get that you’re using one of the prompt words, but maybe adding “Holy” to “Book” would clear things up?
And in this line
When she appeared at the door
I would suggest amending “door” to “doorway” or even “entrance.”
In summation:
I enjoyed this poem. I’m a sucker for happy weddings!
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a mysterious short story! Mysterious because what exactly was found? We believe it to be the fountain of youth—but is a fountain of youth something which returns us to childhood? Would we (hopefully) be wiser, while still inhabiting a young body? Would we get a “do-over,” going once more through the motions of life? What decisions would we make?
A story of any kind should invite the reader think. Yours does that.
Favorite bit:
“Well, I never, ever, thought this would be found. And here! In this lab.” He raised his head, his eyes full of tears. “By golly, Ned, you’ve really done it.”
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The story flows well, leading us from inception to conclusion. Since it’s so short, it leaves a lot of unanswered questions (see above!).
In this line,
Professor Michel walked jauntily down the hall to the lab, almost skipping like a child he thought.
I suggest a change to the second half of the sentence. As it stands now, it’s at the least missing a comma after child, but I’m still stumbling on it. Perhaps “…Michel walked jauntily, almost skipping like a child, down…” or even “…walked so jauntily down the hallway to the lab that he was skipping like a child.” I don’t know. None of these are perfect, but I think you get my point.
I’d love to know the prompt you used while writing this. Perhaps include that at the end in future endeavors?
In summation:
I enjoyed this story. It opened the door to so many possibilities…even to the point of me giggling at the thought of Prof Michel and Ned as little boys in white lab coats, playing with beakers. 😊
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a poem about meeting the “right one.” Like many love poems, it says a lot without really saying anything. Just perfect, in my opinion. For who can truly wrap their arms around and encompass the whole?
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The poem reads fairly well. I do like that you used one line for each word in the middle. That is impactful.
Give this some thought: the word “that” every time you used it at the beginning of a line? Take it out. I think it reads well without it.
I would also suggest breaking this up into stanzas. Some spacing would be helpful, in my opinion, as you lead the reader from thought to thought.
In summation:
I enjoyed this poem very much.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a poem that is not ‘in your face’ one bit, despite the four letter word it contains. It is subtle. Very subtle. Perhaps “cool as a cucumber” subtle.
But, like all subtle, good poems, this one gets under your skin.
Favorite bit:
The title! It’s brilliant. The title drew me in immediately.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:
There is a space missing after “of” in this line
or at least a hint of 'sexually active'
Actually, maybe not! The font you chose is small, and makes it appear there is a space missing. Which leads me to my next suggestion.
Please, first thing, I would make the font larger. Much larger. I had to squint to read your poem. You want to draw the reader’s eyes to your words—to your amazing poem!
Standard here at WdC is 4.5 Verdana. Choose what works for you, but at least consider this.
Composition/Flow/Line Length:
I’m struggling a little with the second line. I think ‘painfully’ needs to be moved or braced between some commas here
it painfully dawned on her
Maybe: “it dawned, painfully, on her” or even “it dawned on her, painfully”
I like that you're using the word, I’m just questioning the placement.
Love the usage of “ripe” in this line
with that trendy hue against her ripe skin
I really wanted another something green in the fourth stanza, perhaps in the line “such façade” so it would be “such (color) façade?” There are infinite shades of green or things that are green (such as your clever use of “cactus” in the last stanza). Several would work. Think about it.
of these city streets
such facade
is viciously dismantled
and met with frosty indifference
In this line, I question your usage of “tepid.”
could have thawed her day
on this tepid morning
“Thawed” gives the impression of cold. “Tepid” means lukewarm. You could use “frigid” instead.
“could have thawed her day
on this frigid morning”
This is, of course, unless I’ve missed some very important reason for the use of “tepid.”
Love this part
nimble twenty-somethings
will soon f***
their way into the future
The last stanza is great, but when I read it, I want it to be two stanzas
there she stands
like a singular cactus
teetering
on the brink of oblivion
searching
for the receipt
and for words to
match that catchy tune
she’s been humming
so fanatically all day
Perhaps break it after “on the brink of oblivion?”
In summation:
This is a cleverly-written poem. I was drawn in immediately, and looked within your words for hidden meanings. Well-done.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a painful poem to read. Why? Because it captures so exactly the myriad ways grief bites at us.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: For consistency, I would suggest that you use periods at the end of each stanza or remove them all.
Composition/Flow/Line Length: None noted. There is clever usage of spacing as stanza headers. At first I thought you needed a line break after the first ‘alone’ but then realized that all of the stanzas were built that way. It works.
To enhance readability, I would suggest going with a larger font. You could even increase the font size for ‘alone’ or even for ‘grief’ or for both.
In summation:
Yes. I do understand.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a cute short story about fantasy and love, one indistinguishable from the other. The gramma is determined to delight her grand daughter with tales of fairies. Even, in the end, catching one in a jar.
You’ve captured quite nicely the love and the wonder of this special time between the two.
Favorite bit:
“Oooohh! Magic fairy glasses, gramma! Look how many there are!”
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted.
Composition/Flow/Line Length: None noted.
In this line, I would consider changing “daytime” to “sunlight.” I suppose I am assuming it would be sunlight that would hurt a fairy’s wings.
“Well, Mary, they come out here only at night. The daytime hurts their wings.”
Here, I suggest a slight amendment in the wording. Somehow, I keep stumbling over this sentence.
Mary laid her head in my lap, her eyes searched the tree branches for fairies.
Perhaps consider “Mary laid her head in my lap, her eyes searching the…” or even break it into two sentences: “Mary laid her head in my lap. Her eyes searched the…”
In summation:
I enjoyed this story. It’s quite heartwarming.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
I enjoyed this story about a pretty important (at least to herself) dog. It took me a few minutes to work out it was a dog we were talking about. I loved that she, royalty (in her mind’s eye) found love with a commoner.
It just goes to show you it takes all kinds.
Favorite bit:
Leave my mother out of the discussion. She is not here to defend herself. She comes from a long line of winners. Her name is honored above all others
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted.
Composition/Flow/Line Length: None noted.
Question: in an early paragraph, Arabelle says “I was born 21 years ago.” Then, in a bit later, her owner says she is ten: “You know that you are now ten human years.” Can you speak to this? Am I not understanding this correctly?
In summation:
I loved the haughty attitude Arabelle had throughout the story. Up until the end, when she finally got to be happy and free.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Poems about love, whether happy or sad, have a place in every life. This poem evokes sadness, of course, but also gives the reader a chance to reflect. Was there ever a time when we cried this much over a lover? The answer is a resounding yes.
Favorite bit:
Kiss them each.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted.
Composition/Flow/Line Length: None noted.
In summation:
Your poem made me think. Thinking is always a good thing.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
I like the main character of this story quite a bit. Gilbert has misgivings about the whole first, first date thing he’s got planned. Misgivings about his life. About the woman who is so different from him but who he would love another chance with.
Your portrayal and descriptions bring him to life. And Sarah as well, through his eyes.
Favorite bit:
I ignore the buzz in my ears as she explains, yet again, what a carburetor does and how to make it carburate or what have you.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
In this line, I would suggest eliminating “of me”
The gold of the sunset ahead of me
So that it reads “The gold of the sunset ahead…”
This portion of the line is deeply beautiful. Love it.
to leave the purple mark of impact
Not sure I understand this sentence:
The tissue caught on the rim before it let go and slipped out of sight.
Slipped out of sight where? Did it slip out of his reach and back into the box? Or on to the floorbed?
This sentence needs a closing parenthesis.
The old lady stood behind me. "First date, hmm?
I do like my run-on sentences! And then I deconstruct them, chopping them into bite sized sentences. I invite you to do the same here:
For a long instant, her rough gray eyes peered into mine, nodding, making me sway in time to their motion, then she poked me in the chest.
Lastly, you tell us earlier that Gilbert is wearing a pinstripe suit. At the end though, he takes off his sport coat.
I shucked off my sport coat and tie and tucked Sarah's daisy in my shirt pocket, next to my heart.
In summation:
Loved this story very much!
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a sweet little poem with some good imagery. And it is at the same time not so sweet. Fears and anxieties—we hope they do grow wings and fly away.
Favorite bit:
become small birds
trembling in my hand.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: there is a spelling error “anxieties.” Also, I would encourage consistent punctuation throughout your poem. Good punctuation enhances the reading of your work to a large degree.
For instance, with this line in the stanza
small souls
is a line on its own, but obviously refers to the previous line. It’s a descriptor of those tiny birds. Have you considered italicizing those words? Or perhaps an em dash before and after?
“--small souls—”
It’s something to think about.
In summation:
I encourage you to continue to hone your craft.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is an interesting short story. There’s inheritance, action, shame and intrigue all packed in these few paragraphs. Pretty exciting stuff.
Favorite bit:
Theo had a deadline, a fact he had not shared with anyone. He had to pay off gambling debts to a Brazilian gang leader by morning.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted
In this line
Two weeks later, Theo and his clueless guide fought their way through the Amazon jungle, machetes slashing.
“fought” is past tense, while the rest of your sentence is present tense. Perhaps: “Two weeks later, Theo and his clueless guide Victor fight their way through the Amazon jungle, machetes slashing.” Or something similar.
I feel that this sentence leaves the last thought hanging. Perhaps consider an amendment. Here’s one suggestion: “Brown skin glistening with sweat, Victor sat on the jungle floor and pulled out his water flask.
He sat down on the jungle floor, his brown skin glistening with sweat; he pulled out his water flask.
In summation:
I encourage you to continue to hone your craft.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
How much do you want to bet the kids get brussels sprouts at home? 😊 Something Sheila would never have eaten when she was a child…
This is a classic tale about the freedom grandparents have with their grandkids. The dialogue flows well and leads us to a conclusion that makes the reader wonder what’s up Granny’s sleeve for next time.
Favorite bit:
“Mom, they will have those memories, but that doesn’t mean they get what they want all the time. Sometimes, it’s a good idea to wait for something. It builds character.”
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted
Flow/Composition/Line length: None noted
In summation:
I enjoyed your short story very much!
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
And in these four lines you have summed up the knowledge of a lifetime. The challenge, as it were, is to remember this ALWAYS
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted
Flow/Composition/Line length: I would suggest, because of the brevity, that you choose a larger font. That doesn’t take away from the message. Rather, it enhances it.
In summation:
Love truly makes the world go ‘round.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
I enjoyed reading your news bulletin/short story about the opening of the Shop of Wonders, finally open in Rural Village! As any business article should be, it is factual yet interesting enough to read to the end.
Favorite bit:
and violent barbarians with impulse control problems alike
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted
Flow/Composition/Line length: None noted
In summation:
I guess I missed out on the 20% discount…
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
I enjoyed reading your poem. Love poems are my favorite, but only when they are well-written and only when I can relate. Your poem fills both requirements.
Hopeful love poems top the list entirely.
Favorite bit:
Today, my heart hides no more.
It prances and dances in full view,
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted
Flow/Composition/Line length: I loved that your poem is centered on the page. I know my poetry never ends up in the center. Each stanza flows well. No corrections/suggestions noted
In summation:
Let my eyes be opened, to experience the same joy in love, where my heart can prance and dance in full view.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Your poem is simple but packed full of meaning. I first considered the life that a living plant brings to an otherwise empty room. And to an otherwise empty life, if we but take time to notice.
Favorite bit:
That you used a simple house plant as a metaphor for the joy that COULD spring into someone’s life. All we have to do is open our eyes.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted
Flow/Composition/Line length: My only suggestion is purely for aesthetics: that you enlarge the font so it looks better on the page 😊
In summation:
Let my eyes be open the joy in my life that is ever-present.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
I really enjoyed this short story. Anyone who’s been around kids knows how short their attention spans are, especially in the car.
Favorite bit:
“Which ones is the first hand?”
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: I would suggest removing the commas from this line. I think anyone reading it will get the message. Or, you could italicize "pretending I'm fine"
I say in my, pretending I’m fine, voice
In this line, change "ones" to "one"
"Which ones is the first hand?"
Flow/Composition/Line length: None noted
In summation:
I vote for genius!
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is an excellent poem. It rhymes perfectly and flows so well all the way through. Not sure about the “Children’s” genre this is filed under. If I was a kid and read this I would NOT sleep. “Horror/Scary” for sure.
Favorite bit:
When waking birds sing back the light
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted
Flow/Composition/Line length: None noted
In summation:
I enjoyed this poem quite a lot. It’s really well-written.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
I can’t lie; I’d love to know more. Where is this place? Why are you there? What happens within those halls? The air is rife with possibilities.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: I would suggest you break this up into sentences. While short, everyone appreciates appropriate punctuation. There are also several misspellings throughout.
Flow/Composition/Line length: Tell us more. Give us more. I would also suggest using a larger font in your work. This heightens the reader’s enjoyment.
In summation:
I urge you to continue to hone your craft.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 11:50am on May 20, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The story flows well.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
