*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elatedie
Review Requests: ON
508 Public Reviews Given
510 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review of Poet Tree  
Review by IE
Rated: E | (5.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Poet Tree" 

First impression:

I am totally enamored of this poem. Great descriptions. I felt like I was there, leaned against the bark of that tree. Perhaps to also feel the inspiration and depth of silence that only a tree that old could impart.

Favorite bit:

Seeds of what might be,
twiglets of phrases,
branching out into lines.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*The cadence of your poem is different. I like different. It works well here. No suggestions to impart here.

*Writing*Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted.

In summation:

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. It’s very calming to my soul.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Quill 2024 Nominee ROAR Forum Banner
2
2
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Forevermore and Nevermore V" 

First impression:

The first story I ever wrote as a young adult was a children’s story about death.

Your story is about grief. It’s tricky, the topic of grief. I think you’ve managed it quite well in this children’s story.

My favorite stories are ones that encompass hope. Yours has that hope.

Favorite bit:

Taking children, within the confines of the story, to places that don’t “exist.” At least not in the “real” world.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*I suggest you include where Ethan met Nara, even if you just say Nara was on the other side of the portal when he stepped through. I didn’t get that part when I read the paragraph, even several times in.

*Writing*When you mention Ethan meeting both Nara and Lumina, you described them with “warm” and “warmly.” Both great descriptive words, but I would consider using a different adjective for one of the characters.

*Writing*I may have missed this as well, but what was the point of Nevermore when he just passed through to Forevermore? Is it a way-station of sorts? I would suggest fleshing that out a little so we understand why Nevermore needs to be included. Maybe that to get to Forevermore you go through Nevermore, but then it would make sense for him to have to come back through Nevermore and perhaps meet up with Nara again for a “review” of what he learned? You did mention further on that Nevermore was a place to release the sorrow, but I still suggest either a return journey or, if not, then more descriptions of how long he spent in Nevermore before moving on.

*Writing*In this sentence, I would quantify how many days Ethan spent in Forevermore. Many days perhaps?

Ethan spent his days in Forevermore


*Writing*Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted.

In summation:

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this short story and encourage you to continue to hone your craft.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Quill 2024 Nominee ROAR Forum Banner


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review of Never Mind  
Review by IE
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Never Mind" 

First impression:

A micro story! Less than 200 words and I want more! Tom was in for a good tongue lashing there 😊

You used the prompt to good effect.

Favorite bit:

Jenna didn't want to rock a baby bump bikini


Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted.

*Writing* I don’t understand the last line. It was Tom saying that to Jenna? If so, then what does it mean? “Never mind,” as in “forget I said anything?” I am curious!

In summation:

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this very short story.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Quill 2024 Nominee ROAR Forum Banner
4
4
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.5)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Captain Frederick L. Bartholemeu USMC" 

First impression:

This is a cute poem made even more darling by the uncommon words sprinkled throughout.

You used those words to good effect here.

Favorite bit:

Old Uncle Fred,
Back before he was dead (this made me grin!)


With a determination pugnatious (reminds me of a current political hopeful)


Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: There are a couple of lines where I would be tempted to insert a comma, but I think that is subjective. The lines read okay without the commas. Would they be better with? Could be.

*Writing* In my (happy little) opinion, I would suggest breaking this poem into three stanzas. Again, it reads fine without a stanza break, but my brain gets a little buzzy when everything is smooshed together without a break.

In summation:

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by IE
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "A Change of Wardrobe" 

First impression:

This is a cute short story, down to the tongue-in-cheek quip at the end! You did a pretty good job of keeping the characters in line with their speech patterns, and I enjoyed reading it very much.

Favorite bit:

Tarzan waved the shell in the air. “What you think?”


Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: none noted

*Writing*There are a couple of instances where Tarzan’s replies deviated (in my opinion) from his halted speech.

“Is that bad?”


I can see where you would want to leave the “Is” in, but would Tarzan use this complete sentence? Perhaps “That bad?” or even “Is bad?” I think I prefer the latter.

And in this line, I suggest dropping “should” to keep Tarzan’s speech basic

“What should Tarzan do? Hide from Jane and tourist man?”


In summation:

Definitely deserved to win!

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review of god-mode  
Review by IE
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "god-mode" 

First impression:

The term “resistance is futile” comes to mind when I read your fantasy piece. Not so much a fantasy these days.

I loved the dialogue between Daniel and the Story-Maker. You used sarcastic humor to good effect here. I even get the impression that Story-Maker has a superior air about him/her/it.

Favorite bit:

I was testing to see if you were listening.

“Did I pass?”

No, Dan, you did not.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*It didn’t take me too long 😉 to get whose line was whose. I might suggest here that you bold the lines not in quotes, to help the reader catch on more quickly.

*Writing*Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted.

In summation:

And it’s only just begun…

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-

7
7
Review by IE
Rated: E | (5.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "A very special holiday" 

First impression:

What a turn of events! From a boring night at home to silk, satin and some sexy curves.

Favorite bit:

I love the image you used for the poem! At first I didn’t “get” it, and I’m sure all will have their own perception. I just think it totally works for this piece.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*No suggestions as to content. If anything, I’d embiggen the font a bit 😊

*Writing*Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted.

In summation:

I enjoyed this thoroughly.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-
8
8
Review of Jack Returns  
Review by IE
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Jack Returns" 

First impression:

Oh! This brought tears to my eyes, along with a deep longing for my beloved fur baby to come back to me.

Good poems make us feel deeply. Yours does that.

Favorite bit:

"Play?" he woofed into my face


Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*In this line, would you consider amending “the” to “this?” I’ve read your poem now several times and wonder if the change might make the stanza flow a little better?

at the dead dog of mine.


*Writing*Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: None noted.

In summation:

Really well done poem. I might need a good cry.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review of When I Grow Up  
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "When I Grow Up" 

First impression:

You’ve set a great beginning scene here. Bucolic. Peaceful. Happy days.

Favorite bit:

He has his arm wrapped around her shoulder and she has her hand on his knee. They waited so long for this moment to be.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*I invite you to consider choosing a larger font for readability. 😊

*Writing*I think you are just writing things out as you see/feel them. Which is fantastic. This could, someday, be the setting for a story you write. You’ve got the bones down. Still, I would break this up in paragraphs. At this stage, even one sentence could constitute a paragraph. When you add on, it’ll grow from there.

*Writing*’Space’ needs to be ‘spaced’ in this line: “and tables space nicely along its length.” Also, I think the ‘at’ in “loving glances at one another” would read better if you change it to ‘with’ since they are exchanging glances.

In summation:

I really got a good sense of what it would be like to be one of those happy people watching their children. Well done.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review of Self Love Seeker  
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Self Love Seeker" 

First impression:

The battle with self esteem issues is universal. You’ve made us feel, with this prose, all the feels that come with being your own harshest critic.

There is hope, at the end. My favorite poems, prose and stories are those that offer a glimpse of hope.

Favorite bit:

That day will be the day I consider a win


Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*I invite you to consider choosing a larger font for readability.

*Writing*On the same hand, stanzas give the reader’s eye a break, and the brain a natural place to pause. I’ve read some of your other pieces and understand the desire to just shovel everything together, but try it out for yourself. You might find, as I did, that the important bits you want to convey actually stand out when our eyes are drawn to short portions rather than one long paragraph

*Writing*Similarly, consider some punctuation. My opinion, with my own prose, is that sometimes by using stanzas I can avoid a lot of punctuation. We’re looking for flow here. If the reader has to re-read a sentence several times to understand what it means because there is a comma or question mark lacking, that interrupts the flow.

I notice you did use a question mark at the end of the first line, so I think you know what I’m trying to say here.

In summation:

This is a deep subject that touches us all, no matter how hard we might try to cover it up. I applaud your efforts to capture those feelings and encourage you to continue honing your writing craft.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review of Venus Transit  
Review by IE
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Venus Transit" 

First impression:

This is an interesting piece. I’ve read it several times, finding the gems of your words and phrasing.

Favorite bit:

My dog, Audrey, pulled by the tides,
orbits and gravity
chased hermit crabs through the surf,

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*I appreciate that you linked the contest you wrote this piece for. However, I don’t know what the prompt was for your particular piece as the link took me to the current month’s contest. Perhaps you could provide a link to the contest plus a copy/paste of the actual contest you wrote for?

*Writing*I’d love to see this broken into stanzas and perhaps larger font. Font for readability. Stanzas because each of your thoughts is distinct, vital and So Interesting. Make them stand out.

*Writing*Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling

You did use periods. My thought (and something I personally do) is if you use stanzas, you don’t need a lot of punctuation. The words say themselves.

In summation:

This is really well-written.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.5)
IE here with a review of "A conversation with the inevitable " 

First impression:

You’ve written a short story that seems immense. And in less than three hundred words. Super impressive.

I totally got the sense of vast universality throughout.

Bonus points for:

Using uncommon words. I had to look up “solus.” I had a sense of the meaning from how it was used in your story, but wanted to read the definition for myself.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*While I deeply appreciate the use of “solus” in your opening lines, I don’t think repeating it later on adds to the story. Perhaps find a synonym that works? Lone? Solitary?

Yes, even you,” stated the retreating solus voice


*Writing*Aesthetically, since it’s so short, you could change the font size to enhance readability.

*Writing*Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling

None noted.

In summation:

This is really well-written. I love the omnipotent presence I feel throughout.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Quill 2024 Nominee Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review by IE
Rated: E | (5.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "The A-Team Cake and Buster Dog" 

First impression:

This is a super-fun true story. I grew up in the “A-Team” era, and recognized the characters immediately. Your story is well-written and descriptive. I get the whole vibe right off the bat.

Favorite bit:

As I pulled the dog away from the box, he was licking frosting from his whiskers


Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit. This review is focused on some run-on sentences and punctuation/paragraphing that I noticed this time around. Run-on sentences are something I struggle with as well. There’s so much to fit in!

*Writing*Here I would put the first sentence of this paragraph as the end of the previous one, to complete the thoughts/descriptions of the A-Team. The second sentence can be added as the first sentence of the next paragraph.

The team could always escape in Mister T’s seemingly indestructible black van, with the villainous Colonel Decker and his Army jeep left far behind. So, when it came time to pick out our son’s birthday cake, Jason announced it had to be an A-Team cake!

*Writing*Suggested amendment: “As he thrust his head under the propped up lid, we all yelled for Buster to stop. I made a mad dash to grab his collar, but it was too late.”

As he thrust his head under the propped-up lid, we all yelled for Buster to stop, and I made a mad dash to grab his collar, but it was too late.

*Writing*Suggestion to break up the sentence below: “he was licking frosting from his whiskers. There was a deep snout-shaped gouge on the front edge of the sheet cake.”

he was licking frosting from his whiskers and there was a deep snout-shaped gouge nibbled in the front edge of the cake.

*Writing*and here, to break up the sentence: “down the face of the newly frosted landslide. I used a dab of frosting…”

down the face of the newly frosted landslide and I used a dab of frosting to balance the Army jeep on the "rocks" and frosting rubble below.

*Writing*This sentence is long, but it works. I would suggest eliminating the comma after “below.”

The boys all whooped with glee as they spotted the villain standing on a boulder below, next to his crashed jeep, watching through his binoculars as the A-Team, once again, escaped.

*Writing*Lastly, I would move the comma from behind the “I” to after “grandma.”

his grandma and I, had all burst into laughter


In summation:

Well written and exciting. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to review your story.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Ringing in Your Head (1st Place)" 

First impression:

Great opening to this short story. You take us through the path of events haphazardly, as one would when filled with alcohol and regret.

Favorite bit:

Bryan knelt at the toilet and threw up. The putrid taste of vomit filled his mouth.


Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*I would suggest eliminating what comes after “he muttered to no one,” in the first paragraph. Or even what comes after “muttered.”

“I hate being sick,” he muttered to no one in particular.


*Writing*In this line, I would consider amending “perfected” to “perfect.”

Everything perfected


*Writing*Do the opening and closing < > symbols denote action? I’ve never run across this before. To me, you could easily amend this to “There was a knock at the door,” or something similar. Just a thought.

<Knock, Knock, Knock>


In summation:

Uhoh. Joyce has the ring?!

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15
Review of Untitled  
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Untitled" 

First impression:

I think you did a great job with this piece. You call it a monologue; I would call it prose.
Tomato/tomahtoh, I suppose.

There is loneliness. There is searching. There is wanting to see yourself as others see you. I think that’s not an uncommon thing and I think you’ve captured the feelings very well.

Favorite bit:

Hoping I could open up to myself
Oh so easily as the others have

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*For readability, I would increase the size of the font.

*Writing*I would suggest a comma after the first line, since the following line is in quotation marks.

And people say


*Writing*I would consider eliminating “Then” from the first line. To me, it sounds superfluous.

Then a single tear runs down my cheek


*Writing*Lastly, I suggest adding a middle line in the last stanza, making it three lines, to capture the transition from standing in front of the mirror to (presumably) lying on your bed or the couch. Or even the floor.

In summation:

This piece is about loneliness. About thinking you’re empty. But even in your emptiness you notice a void. That, my friend, is noticing!

Well done. Keep up the good writing.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
Review of Scarecrows  
Review by IE
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Scarecrows" 

First impression:

What a compelling short story! I’ve read it now several times. Each reading yields something different.

You packed a lot of No Dialogue! into this story. I enjoyed the phrasing you used to move the story along.

Favorite bit:

I’d be glad to see a crow or even a cloud. I don’t think the sun will ever go down. A man should work his own patch, but this field seems to go on for eternity. And the nail in my back hurts like hell.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*There isn’t anything I would change about your story. It’s very well-written.

*Writing*Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:

None noted

In summation:

Very weird. I loved the weirdness. 😊 (I think I finally figured it out, too. Yay me!)

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-

17
17
Review of Lost to Fear  
Review by IE
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Clipart Review Image

IE here with a review of {item: 1793962}

First impression:

I just finished writing a short story, cutting from 1200 words to 1000. I thought that was a feat.

You told an entire story in 55 words. Now THAT’S a feat.

Favorite bit:

All of it 😊

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

55 words of perfection! No suggestions.

In summation:

This is a perfectly worded, (very) sad (very) short story.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-

18
18
Review of caged  
Review by IE
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "caged" 

First impression:

Very well written prose about an abusive relationship. How can I tell it’s good? From the sick feeling of dread that wells up from my belly with every word.

Favorite bit:

her face loses meaning, just skin across bone


Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*In this line, “shes” is in want of an apostrophe

he tells her that shes pretty and he's such a lucky guy


*Writing*Here, I would consider amending “on” to “under.” If you do mean “on,” it would be her eyelid, yes?

he pretends he doesn't see the bruise now forming on her eye


*Writing*I believe you meant “go” as the last word here

there's no one to run to and nowhere to o


*Writing*"wont” is also in need of an apostrophe in this line

you know you wont leave me," he says like a joke


*Writing* and an apostrophe for “shell.” This is the last line and the only one with a period. I would remove the period. It's superfluous at this point.

three small reminders shell never be free.


*Writing*Unless the font and set up you chose are for stylistic purposes, I would enlarge the font and consider stanza breaks. Your prose is too powerful. In my opinion, the reader could use some eye breaks to digest what you're telling us.

In summation:

I both loved and hated this. Well done.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
19
19
Review by IE
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "My Father, the Child" 

First impression:

What a loving article about your father. It made me smile and get sad in parts. It made me recall my own parents and their health decline. Mostly, it made me smile.

Favorite bit: This part instantly brought to mind the things my dad “allowed,” which included back/neck rubs, foot rubs, back scratches, etc. Free labor! 😊

he "allowed" us to massage his scalp and forehead and to comb his hair for hours


Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.


*Writing*Consider breaking this sentence up into two, as currently it runs on a bit

I've never seen my dad get very emotional, but other family members have, when I left my first husband. I escaped an abusive marriage, and rather than run home where I imagined I'd end up coddled and turned into a spinster, I fled from everyone.

*Writing*I would suggest adding a comma after “still”

or worse still to your wife?


*Writing*I would add the word “for” in front of “just” here

And just a moment


In summation:

In the end, we may only be left with our memories of those who brought us into this world. May they be (mostly) good ones.

Many blessings.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
20
20
Review of The Carnival  
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "The Carnival" 

First impression:

This is a cute short story about disgruntled circus workers. We get a brief glimpse into their lives and complaints, with an interesting ending.

Favorite bit:

he chittered and chattered in the language of monkeys that no one understood.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

None noted

*Writing*I’m a little confused about the ending. Buddy opened the carnival to find everything cleaned out and the workers gone. I’m assuming that the workers took everything down the I-80 with them? If so, and they (again, an assumption) set up shop at Critter Country, aren’t they just going to be doing the same thing there?

In summation:

Monkey chittering is always a foreign language—unless you’re a monkey, I suppose. 😊

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-

21
21
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "With COVID-19, Your Fears and Anxiety" 

First impression:

It always amazes me when people take out their frustrations on animals in general and pets in particular. Your article was written during the height of the pandemic, but holds true for all time.

What I liked:

You have provided good background by telling the reader your experience not only as a pet owner but your work in a shelter. This helps us understand your knowledge of the subject, plus your decency as a human being.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*It’s standard practice to spell out numbers, so I would suggest you spell out “3” in this line:

worked with animals plus having 3 cats of my own


*Writing*In this sentence, consider either adding a colon after “enough” and removing the word “that” (I can’t stress this enough: they are scared too) or remove the word “this” (I can’t stress enough that they are scared too.)

I can't stress this enough that they are scared too.


In summation:

It’s always “be kind to your pet” day.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
22
22
Review of imgonnagetyouback  
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "imgonnagetyouback" 

First impression:

First reading: totally enamored by your words and how you fit them together. Second reading: the same. There’s a flow here. A base need. How will it be fulfilled? Oh right. Come back.

Favorite bit:

hey’ve seen my face more than a million times
where have you been my lost lamb?????
5 question marks but not a single clue
to where you now reside, out of reach.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*Totally good with the lack of capitalization and punctuation. It makes this raw piece even more raw. I would suggest that you discard the one lone period you have in the middle and even the one at the end.

*Writing*I’d suggest striving for consistency when apostrophes in your contractions. Personally I would lean toward using them (i’m vs im, i’ll vs ill and etc). The reader has enough to digest in your phrasing without having to decipher the actual words themselves.

*Writing*An observation: Truly I love all of this, what you wrote--except for the last line. It feels to me like it’s tacked on and slightly creepy. During the entirety of what comes before, yeah you want them back but it’s at their discretion. You’re searching, giving them all the reasons, but this last line changes that for me.

Imgonnagetyouback


I just reread your piece again. You say “I’m going to get you back” earlier on. Perhaps it’s the way you ran the words together that bugs me? I’m not entirely sure. But anway.

In summation:

Respect for this piece. You did a great job.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
23
23
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.5)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "The Flags of Arlington" 

First impression:

This is a solemn poem accompanied by a back story and pictures. In its entirety it is very well done.

What I liked:

I liked knowing the story of why you were at Arlington, and that the young soldier asked if you would like to place a flag.

Favorite stanza:

He pauses a moment in front of a grave,
I cried when I saw the salute he gave.
It was solemn, done with utmost respect,
I know the recipient would not object.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*A suggestion to make the words rhyme in these lines would be to amend the first line to read “You’d think this would be a task he would hate,” or something similar.

You’d think this would be a task he hates.
This is something to which he can relate.

*Writing*Garmmar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted

In summation:

I felt the solemnity and respect deeply throughout this piece. It’s my honor to read and review it.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*

Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
24
24
Review of Inspire Me  
Review by IE
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Inspire Me" 

First impression:

Inspirational love poems are always my favorite to write and to read. Your short poem is heartfelt and speaks to me of connectedness, of a love that is centered and yet far-reaching.

Favorite bit: I actually really like the first line in each stanza:

Inspire me.

Play the music of our souls.

Inspire my imagination make it run wild.

Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*In the second line of the first stanza, should “heart” be “hearts?” Our hearts?

Write the music of our heart.


*Writing*In this line, remove the apostrophe after "leaves," because leaving it in makes the word possessive rather than plural. I would also remove the comma at the end of the line

Leaves’ rustling in the breeze,


*Writing*In this line

Inspire my imagination make it run wild.


I would break it into two lines:
“Inspire my imagination,
Make it run wild”

*Writing*Lastly, in this line, “ever” should be “every”

Inspire me with ever single sense,


In summation:

I like the feeling this poem engenders and appreciate the chance to read and review it.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*


Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-

25
25
Review of Untrue  
Review by IE
Rated: E | (3.0)
Clipart Review Image


IE here with a review of "Untrue" 

First impression:

There is heartfelt pain and emotion in this short piece. You have brought together a collection of feelings and thoughts that are a powerful testament to state of mind.

Favorite bit: (caveat, it's my favorite but practically begs for punctuation.)

I left to save us I left to save him to save me.


Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*While your thoughts and statements and confessions are powerfully written, I feel that the lack of paragraphs and commas and sentences jumble everything together. Consider breaking your story into manageable paragraphs. While run-on sentences with no punctuation might be apt for the block of thoughts that sit in the head, there is power in making each part stand out on the page.

*Writing*In this part, I believe you meant “had” to be “head”

these feelings had on


*Writing*and here, saying something is “deteriorating on” doesn’t sound right

is deteriorating on my brain and on me


Perhaps consider amending to “is deteriorating my brain” instead

*Writing*I mentioned the lack of punctuation above, but I cannot stress enough how this detracts from what you’re trying to say. Give it a try and see how it works out for you.

In summation:

This strong piece can be much stronger, with some editing.

Continue to hone your writing craft. It’s well worth the effort.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*


Image #2314527 over display limit. -?- Image #2309007 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
343 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 14 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elatedie