I like this poem.
It has some good lyrical sense to it. I can almost hear it as a rap song. A positive rap song!
The message is clear, and self-affirming. We are the ones that get us to where we are going.
A few things I noticed:
In the second stanza, there are two instances where you used 'your' when it should be 'you're.' And in the third stanza, 'its' should be 'it's.'
My only suggestion is to spend a little time detailing what jokes they told in their attempt to make Grumble laugh. Perhaps start off with something lame and give his reaction, and then build until he laughs.
I loved the premise of the story. Who doesn't love a good second-coming-is-it-really-happening-this-time-story, right?
You use dry humor and wit in the right places.
I would suggest, for ease of reading, that you insert some paragraph breaks. The font is also small which hinders readability. I did note a spelling error, in that "fiancwas" is probably meant to be "fiance was."
There are a lot of characters in this short story. It might be worth taking some of the less central characters down a notch to make the important ones stand out. Also I am curious to the reference to Cherie as "faux fiance?"
Favorite line: "But not Gary. Like Linus in the pumpkin patch, he separated himself from the doubters and awaited its arrival."
I'll say it again: there's some REALLY good stuff in here.
We all go through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
In the middle of the night we are wont to cry out, sad and alone. Thinking this will be the rest of our lives.
In our heart of hearts, we know we will get through it.
We just need to remind ourselves of this.
Suggestions would be to correct the spelling error in the second line and perhaps break this up into sections for readability, along with a few sentence structure issues.
Great message for our hearts to hear: All is well even if it does not seem so.
Ah, haiku.
Not an easy task to write not one haiku but four that tie together in a chain.
You did that quite well with "The Mountains."
My tendency is to glance over a poem quickly. Kind of reading it, but not in depth. If there's something about the phrasing or a word that sticks out, I'll go in for a second, slower read.
Your poem warranted a third, then a fourth. Each stands on its own. They chain beautifully.
My favorite is the second in the chain. Beautiful. Simple. Easy.
No suggestions. I think this is really well-written.
This story has real promise. The concept is not a new one, but it's full of danger and anxiety. Jamie's gone!!!
I would suggest starting with an outline. Perhaps you have one, but it took me a few reads to digest the first part. I like that you started with Jamie not being able to find his sister and friends, but feel it doesn't have the punch it needs to move along to the breathtaking climax of the teacher throwing the door open so hard it bangs against the wall.
As I said, there is huge potential here. All the right components are contained within.
It's a good story now. With some polish, it could be fantastic.
This is a powerful piece written about the greatest mystery (to me at least). Why do we feel the need to kill in the name of peace? What future can be had if our brothers and sons die and those who do not physically die are sent home to our waiting arms with dead souls already?
Your words are painful to read because they elicit such a maelstrom of emotions. That is the goal of every good poem, I think.
There are a few things I would tweak here and there, but they're just my opinion. For example, what about using "under" instead of "before" in "Men drop like wheat before the scythe?" (That's a powerful line, by the way.
Really enjoyed this. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review.
The picture accompanying your story is supremely beautiful. Is it of the area you were describing? Is it taken from the same vantage point of where you saw the bear?
I would suggest watching your usage of commas. I'd also suggest breaking up the middle paragraph. There's a lot going on. I think breaking it up into manageable chunks would help bring the action to life and give the reader a chance to digest everything that's happening.
I love stories like this! The veil is thin between life and death. When we are open to possibility, lovely things happen.
And, after all, death is just a continuation of life. It's part of the cycle. There's no reason to fear. What we miss, after all, is that the person we so dearly love is no longer physically with us. But clearly, as you tell it, they are still in our consciousness.
There are a couple of edits I could suggest to make your story a little more clear. One such is to use the word "reply" instead of "answer" in the sentence "Before Aunt Jennifer could answer..."
The reasonings behind the death by dark magic were somewhat fuzzy in the beginning of your story but upon re-reading, make more sense.
It's an age-old tale of the father who lets his power and his temper get the best of him. As shah, he feels it is his right. But the power hungry make mistakes. When will they learn that you cannot shred your sons' lives in the hopes they will eventually be men strong enough to assume that same power you now wield.
In this case, there is no lesson until death. Lesson learned too late.
I would suggest that you break up your paragraphs that contain conversation between two characters, as that can be confusing.
There is much sadness in this poem, but it is not without hope.
There are things a mother will do that she, the woman, would never consider.
All for them.
Always for them.
Hopeful poetry with such a great story behind is my favorite kind of poetry.
One tiny suggestion is to add a word into "and proudly bears the burden of her (?) children's hearts." For some reason, as I was reading this aloud, there was a tiny hiccup on that part. Like it was missing a word that stopped the flow. 'Beloved' perhaps? "and proudly bears the burden of her beloved children's hearts." Beloved might not be the correct word there, but I did want to suggest that.
I read the rules you needed to use for this before reading and thought to myself, hmm. This would be really hard. Possibly boring. How do you accurately describe what is full of and then is suddenly not?
You did that with this poem. Really, really well. I've read it over several times, savoring the full impact of the words you chose in your quest.
You made this writing prompt sound easy. I'm sure it was not.
And kudos. I needed to look up the word 'oubliette.'
You are your own cheering section here (Yay you!) and, in a random act of kindness, have sprinkled this goodness out here for the rest of us to take to heart as well.
Best kind of letter to write to yourself. Best kind of positivity to share with yourself and with others.
I can see the light shining from here!
Thank you for sharing. I think your writing name is appropriate as you do actually seem to be The ACTUAL Treasure!
Educational articles are always fascinating to me. There's so much knowledge to impart.
I did find your article informative. A few suggestions would be to break this into sections with headers (i.e. What is Hepatitis B. How it's transmitted. How it's treated. Outcomes, etc.). I would also suggest you start your article with the personal anecdote about your friend to set the scene.
At first I thought it shouldn't just run on but it SHOULD run on because this is the act of desperation and hopelessness.
I do suggest rewording "Well I was wrong but I can't care less" to "Well I was wrong but I can't care any more" but I'm sure you have your reasons for having it as you wrote it.
What a pleasure it was to stumble across this story!
I enjoyed the slightly self-deprecating manner of the story teller. And Fen's forthright manner (usually the most darling in young girls) made me smile more than once.
One question: Would it be "Yang's" (address) rather than "Yangs'?"
And, finally, I love that you use the British way of no punctuation after the appellation of Mr and Mrs--I thought I was the only one who did!
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