You have balanced the format well, and I applaud your efforts in that regard.
I get that you needed a 6 to end the first stanza and therefore your wording fits. When I first read it, I thought that the "is" from line three worked better in line four, but that would have thrown off your count.
Volumes can be written about what you chose to write about, but I will proudly admit that my mind IS multi-paced!
It almost reads as an illustrated children's story.
(It took me a minute to decipher the "bear" symbol, but I laughed at the "I can't groundhog it either")
Donning my editing cap for a moment, would you consider adding a word? Specifically, "Groundhog's put a signboard" to "Groundhog's put up a signboard" or even "Groundhog's put out a signboard."
It's a time-worn tale, to be sure. Love. Loss. Regret. And freedom. Hope for the future. Those who once caused us so much pain are finally put aside. Finally.
Suggestion in the first stanza:
His slate blue eyes, dream of far off lands.
could be re-worded to: "His eyes, slate blue, dream of far-off lands."
Re-reading your poem a number of times still leaves me satisfied.
An Alicondor is the stuff legends are made of! A story to tell the kiddos and for the tale of Paddy's adventures to be handed down from generation to generation. I can just see the wide-eyed great grandchildren listening with rapt attention.
Donning my editing hat, there are some spots where I would recommend a look-over. Some examples:
1. Hanging his head on the ship’s railing, (suggestion: change "on" to "over")
2. It’s tail it swished from side to side. (suggestion: change "It's" to "Its" as it is possessive, not plural)
3. Was trouble and not be denied. (suggestion: add "would" so that it reads "Was trouble and would not be denied.)
Excellent.
Dark.
Dark needs to be told in a way that makes sense.
Dark needs to be told in a way that grips the reader. Told in a way that drums some sense into those who will hear.
The structure of your poem holds true. I'm not a rhyming poet and admire those who can rhyme well!
I do have a question of the use of the word "but" in "The house is but small." To me, you could leave out the "but" and still have a good sentence: "The house is small,"
I'm curious as to why you chose to use it?
I love the letter format you used to get your point across. Silly company thinking to swindle a savvy writer from not only funds but also the feeling of accomplishment that must be bundled with the Hard Work module!
The points in your letter are laid out well. My only suggestion would be to re-work the paragraph on the Coke/Pepsi challenge. Just the last part? Perhaps something like "This is the Coke vs Pepsi Challenge of writing programs and I intend to be the Coke (or the Pepsi. I can never remember who actually won, but whichever one won...that will be me!)." Upon re-reading your original, I think it does work, so maybe my suggestion is not needed? At first read I was a little thrown by the exclamation point. Probably just me.
Anyway, enough about all that. I think this was a great read and personally inspiring!
It's a sad tale, to be sure. But in your 365 words are all the details to tell the tale of appeasing the (hopefully not obnoxious) town drunk while still keeping your job.
I do suggest adding a hyphen between towel and laden so that the sentence reads "He pointed a half-dry glass in his towel-laden hand at her."
I love that you used colors to describe the blending of two souls together. How easy it is to visualize what you are trying to picture. How wise of your friend to mention that, once intermingled/mixed, the yellow and green are inseparable.
It made me think that, even if there was ultimately a separation, or a divorce, or a death, those intermingled parts become then the memories in not only for the couple, but also for those who knew them "then."
Everyone likes to be the object of someone's attention. The story makes it obvious how we look through those rose-tinted glasses (pretty in pink?) at that object and hold them above all else, including ourselves.
I would suggest some more paragraph breaks in the second paragraph to emphasize your feelings.
I hope one day he'll get to know how you feel about him.
I am in awe that you managed to tell a complete story in so few words. It's a skill.
I'm probably a sucker for rescue stories but more likely just a person who realizes that angels do fall from heaven and that men live every day to make those angels feel loved.
The quotation marks are for the subject matter. Which I'm totally cool with (I'll read practically anything) but if there is a man in jail for a crime he did not commit, then that is a travesty of justice.
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