This is a beautiful, heartfelt tribute to the dog who rescued you.
Anyone who has not had the pure love and trust of an animal can perhaps not relate to this prose in its true meaning. But truly we can all feel the care and love you have for him/her.
Favorite bit:
You watched me get braver
and fend for both of us.
You watched me grow
and learn to love life again.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
The spacing of your stanzas is a little disconcerting as I cannot find a rhythm. By that I mean that most of your stanzas start with an indentation, which is fine, but some of them, like this below, has an indentation midway through. I can’t find the reason for this. If it is a separate stanza, I would add a line break before the next indented line
I welcomed you into my home;
you were nervous for a while.
Cautiously, you relearned
how to love a human again.
In this stanza, you speak of being one week clean, but this line
that slowly ruined my life.
should then be past tense. Perhaps “that had slowly ruined my life” or “that was slowly ruining my life.”
I would consider replacing the word “live” with “survive” in this line.
while you simply tried to live.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted.
In summation:
You chose each other. And together, you choose the same each day. We all deserve unconditional love.
This is a beautiful, heartfelt tribute to your mother. I am sorry that your mom passed away. My lovely mother passed just over a year ago. Your poem touched me.
Favorite bit:
And the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom filled room,
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I suggest ending this line with a question mark rather than a period.
Why cry for a soul set free.
Consider making the font larger. This review, as an example, is written in font size 4 Verdana.
I would also suggest you limit your usage of ellipses to three dots and your exclamation points to just one.
At the very ending line there is a hanging " mark.
In summation:
Grief is a terribly wondrous thing. We get to remember our loved ones and, if we let them, they will guide our way.
This is a cute short story. I wondered until the very end where the trumpet ended up. My feeling is that Mom will always be a little suspicious of Dad, that he had something to do with the disappearance of the noisemaker. Good build up and suspense. And a totally surprise ending!
Favorite bit:
“Granted, but he wanted so much to have a musical instrument and the internet said a trumpet was a good starter.”
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Merely for the sake of aesthetics, I would wish this to be in a larger font.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: There are several instances where ellipsis are used where I don’t think they need to be.
I found two definitions of ellipsis usage that apply as follows:
An ellipsis can indicate hesitation
And an ellipsis can be used to represent a trailing off of thought.
Keeping those two definitions in mind, I would suggest you consider replacing the ellipsis marks where you use them at the end of the sentence in the following:
He does leave it around but it’s big enough that it should be easy to find…”
I guess I better go help…”
We’ll get you another, or maybe a guitar this time…
In summation:
You know you’re an annoying trumpet player when the mice devise a way to hide it from the family!
Inspirational poetry is my favorite type of poetry. Both to read and to write. Your poem inspires. The lesson is there for us all. We may bow and bend because of the wind, but we will not break.
Favorite bit:
You do something embarrassing
The wind rushes over you, pushing you backward
Back to where you were before
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: none noted
In summation:
I liked your poem very much and appreciate the opportunity to review it.
This poem is well-written and obviously well thought out. You’ve used the required words to great effect. I’ve been stuck on a number of freeways during rush hour; I can relate!
Favorite bit:
Give me open skies,
With a view that goes on and on;
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I keep coming back to this line,
Horns honking permeate the air.
While it is correct, I keep thinking that it’s the sound of horns honking that would permeate the air, which would make an edit like this: “The sound of honking horns permeate the air.” Too long? Anyway, I wanted to point that out to you.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: none noted
In summation:
I liked your poem very much and appreciate the opportunity to review it.
I love that this is a true story. The birthday boy! The dog! All come together for a thrilling tale of birthday mishaps and rescues.
Favorite line:
Marsha, casting a sidelong glance and a wink at me, told the lad, “Oh, this is a very special-order cake, so you’d better have your mother call me.”
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Your story is well-written. Everything flows really well all the way through. My suggestions here are only minor:
Remove the comma here: “my wife Marsha, and I”
Place a comma after “T” here” “alias “Mister T” plus”
Remove the hyphen here: “china-hutch” as china hutch is two words
Place a comma after knife “a knife she cut a”
In summation:
This is a really fun re-telling of true events. I appreciate the opportunity to review it.
Roly-polies as a life lesson! Love how you brought this story together, gathering from Grandma’s wisdom and bringing it forward into your own life. It’s a lesson and realization we all can learn from.
Favorite lines:
But I remembered the smile on her face as she wisely proclaimed, "When you're older, you might just discover that the things that you've just squeezed into your life when there was little time left and you've been really tired, might just be the passions you've ignored."
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In this sentence, I believe it should be “everyday”
often came from every day experiences
Here, I might consider taking out the word “making”
which I've never mastered making
Since the quotation starts in the middle of the sentence, I believe “When” should not be capitalized. I could be wrong, but it stuck out and I wanted to mention it.
wisely proclaimed, "When you're older,
And in this case, I believe “leftovers” would be the correct usage
left overs I might have in my life
In summation:
There is wisdom from our elders, if we but take the time to listen. Thank you for sharing this story. It was my privilege to review it.
This prose on meditation and communing with God in your own way is well-written and well-thought out. It emphasizes why you meditate, why you pray, and instructs on what we can expect from a practice such as this.
What I liked:
There is a peaceful embodiment of yourself when you sit in God’s silence. I feel that coming through your words.
This line embodies that:
“He speaks to me through quiet times, through His Word, through the people He puts in my life and through circumstances”
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
This short story is a sweet snippet from life. From the early days when both of you were so tentative with each other, until now, when you talk about a hopeful forever.
What I liked:
The story engendered good feelings. There’s a stability in the telling.
This line embodies that:
“Over the years, that trusty shoulder has been my headrest in a movie, my posing spot for a selfie. My pillow through long nights and long flights. It has muffled my cries, soaked up my tears and welcomed my guffaws.”
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would encourage you to use more paragraph breaks. Certainly, I would add one before “Do you remember” and also one before “A few minutes into the movie” and perhaps before “It was another first for us.” Paragraph breaks encourage the reader to pause before going on to the next thought.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: The comma should go inside the end quote in ‘firsts,’
With this sentence, I would remove “too,” making it “We were two friends. New ones, at that.” Or “We were two friends. New friends.”
We were two friends. New ones at that too.
Lastly, I would remove “I hope” from the end of the story. All along we’re being told that this is “it” for both of you. To me, putting doubt at the very end with nothing prior to suggest it would not be a forever thing takes away from the stability of your relationship.
In summation:
We all (or at least most of us) long for a stable, permanent relationship that will last us all of our days. Your short story enforces that thought, to good effect.
Your thoughts are written here. Soul bared. You want to know if you’re the only one who feels these things. The way YOU feel them is unique; but the experiences you describe are recognized by those kindred souls who are aware of themselves. Aware of the depth. Aware that there IS depth. This awareness is a gift. Not all can feel all that.
Favorite bit:
This fear of being fully known and understood by others creates a barrier that prevents me from forming genuine and meaningful connections, leaving me feeling isolated and misunderstood.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
You’ve got some really intense thoughts in this piece. I highly suggest using paragraph breaks to give the reader time to digest the meaning and internalize them. Not even paragraph breaks. Each one of your thoughts stands alone. Make them stand out.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: No issues noted.
In summation:
It is the isolation of the soul that makes us feel misunderstood. Recognize and understand that this isolation need not be a concrete barrier. Rather, think of it as a reef; alive and permeable. For then you will understand yourself. And thrive.
Here’s a poem we can all sink our teeth into (pun intended) (perhaps a lame one)
I’ve been on the shushing end of this scenario
If the dog wants to bark, the dog wants to bark
You’ve led us through a series of attempts to get the dog to heed. Perhaps it was your tone that finally got his attention.
Favorite bit:
This dog was going to become a statistical stray.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Mainly, I’d like to suggest that you consider breaking this into stanzas. While we, as writers, can do as we wish, I found it a bit difficult to know where to pause before going on to the next thought/line.
I have a question on this line, and that is I’m not clear why it’s bolded? Is it for emphasis?
I swear, if you don't shut-up, you're going to be sorry!
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: No issues noted.
In summation:
I enjoyed reading this humorous poem about your attempts to get the dog to give even a tiny bit of care to your wants.
How sweet of you to write a poem for your granddaughter. Better yet, that it’s About your granddaughter. What child wouldn’t delight in a poem all about them?
Favorite bit:
The entire poem is cute! Every stanza is my favorite lol
None noted.
In summation:
Annabella is nineteen now? Does she still remember this poem? I’d love to think of it printed and framed, hanging in a treasured space on a wall in her home.
This is a well-written and deeply felt poem. It is, by your description, a poem about returning to writing. My opinion, if this work is anything to go by, is that you should have returned long ago.
Favorite bit:
Maybe it was trapped, or most likely dead,
I'll never really know what's going on in my head.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest breaking this poem up into stanzas, to give the reader’s eyes a natural place to pause. Your words are powerful; show them off!
There are two lines where “I” should be “me”:
a rough draft for only I to see.
And
this is a rough draft for only I to keep
In summation:
Welcome back to writing. If this poem is any indication, the world has been missing out on your work.
Keep going!
This cute dialogue-only story made me laugh! Normally I would shy away from a dialogue-only story as they can be VERY boring. Your story is not.
Favorite bit:
“I thought fish only had a 3 second memory.”
“That’s goldfish. I’m a puffer.”
“Oh.”
“Big difference.”
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
There are several instances where you spelled out numbers and then several where you used the numbers themselves. From what I know, numbers in stories should be spelled out.
In summation:
I’m really happy I stumbled across your short story. I’m still smiling 😊
Truth makes the best comedy! While fulfilling one goal of becoming a fierce goalie, your son inadvertently sets himself up as an insect love-lamp.
The red hair and the attaché case almost seem like the calling card of a wrestler. I can only imagine your tall son, hulked up and oiled, carrying his attaché case into the ring and then telling the crowed "I came ready to go to work." 😊
Favorite line:
Matt furtively glanced over his shoulder. "They are out there!" he said, sweeping his hand toward the hill behind the camp. "Bees, just looking for me!"
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit. Most of this is copyediting stuff. I think overall your story flows very well.
This is the first line of your story, but I suggest you take it out. I get why you want it in the story, but since you mention rebellion in the next sentence, I don’t think you need it. Actually, you could put it at the very end. It would end the story very nicely. If you do move it to the end, I would make it two sentences (Ah, those rebellious teen years. How did any of us survive?)
Ah, those rebellious teen years; how did any of us, parents or kids, survive?
Here I would change "adolescence" to "adolescent"
bit of adolescence rebellion
In this sentence, I would add "who was" after "coach" (which attracted the eye of the water polo coach who was looking to add another…)
which attracted the eye of the water polo coach looking to add another goalie to the team.
Just a point of clarification here. Do schools only have one color? I thought they had two? I could be wrong!
His hair, normally a dusty blond, was dyed flame red, the school color!
In these, you have changed from calling it an attaché chase to a briefcase. For consistency, I would change both of these to just "case." Or, change all instances to "briefcase."
Matt reached down and patted the briefcase
And here
snapped open the briefcase
I would add a comma after “progressed.”
As the game progressed Matt's hair was forgotten
And a comma after “year.”
As the school year ended Matt had reluctantly
I would consider amending this to say “honored our request.”
honored his mom's and my request
Also, I would consider adding “closer” to the end of this sentence (roaring with laughter as they came closer.)
roaring with laughter as they came
In summation:
This is a fun story, told with humor and good detail. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to review it.
This is impactful! I’ve read it now a dozen times, each time getting the clear cadence of your words. Each stanza is strong on its own, leading us through the powerful terribleness. "Powerful terribleness" is probably not even a proper phrase. I just don’t know how else to describe it.
Favorite stanza:
Crushed spine left powerless when
brushed clean of vertebrae's strong
hushed force. Hard compressions, shock!
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
What an interesting prompt. I will admit I did wonder what the black square was at first 😊
It’s not easy to come up with an entire poem about a white canvas. However, your words did bring to mind a snooty art gallery, half of the visitors shaking their heads in confusion while the other half were busily picturing where exactly they would hang it in their summer home. Or winter home. Maybe they need two?
Favorite line:
the eyes brimming
with too much day,
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I was a bit confused at the beginning, as I didn’t realize this was the title of the art in question. I think this was because you had it broken into two lines. My suggestion would be to leave it all on one line, for continuity (Title? Snowblind in an Arctic Blizzard)
Title? Snowblind
in an Arctic Blizzard
My overall suggestion is that you break the poem into stanzas. To me, the words all run together and not having eye-breaks for this reader leaves some very powerful phrases undistinguished.
In this line, I believe that “there’s” should be “that’s”
Now there’s original.
And here, I believe “loosing” should be “losing” although “loosening” might also work, depending on your intent.
the loosing of the mind
In summation:
The imagery you describe so powerfully does absolute justice to this well-written poem
I wrote a children’s book years ago, from the perspective of a rose. Your poem reminded me of that story. It’s fun to give thoughts to things that are alive for only a short time!
You’ve managed to capture those feelings quite handily in your poem.
Favorite lines:
A yellow as a morning sky
as velvet as an open sea
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In this opening line, I believe ‘A’ should be ‘As” (As yellow…)
A yellow as a morning sky
In this line, ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’ as it is possessive (I know you’re angry)
I know your angry
I’ve re-read this stanza repeatedly, but the last line doesn’t seem to work. What is laying on the open grass? The flower/weed? Or just the petals? I can see the imagery, but I feel amending that last line would make it come to life (tired life!)
My petals are all droopy
I'm too tired to stand
laying on the open grass
In summation:
I like the overall feeling of this poem. Sad, yes. Resigned, yes. As we all are in this life; at least sometimes.
This is a really interesting poem about death. Your title description indicates it’s also about being stuck and not being able to move on from a relationship. First read does not reveal the depths of that possibility. Second and third read reveal a bit more, but only towards the very end.
Favorite line:
Somwhere near, a tear falls from the blue sky.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest breaking this poem into stanzas. It gives the reader a chance to pause between thoughts.
In this line, there is a misspelling of ‘throat’
A scavenged throath, dirt in alveoli.
In this line, 'somewhere' is misspelled.
Somwhere near, a tear falls from the blue sky.
In these two lines, I feel there is a contradiction with the timeline. If it’s only been six months, I don’t think the bones would be scattered everywhere, unless they were that of a small animal. I would consider revising this, if you are referring to something larger than a bird? Although, of course, this poem is also about metaphorical death. It just doesn’t work for me so I wanted to point it out.
Bones scattered everywhere.
“Six months dead”, the coroner utters.
In summation:
This is a powerful piece. There are gems scattered throughout, drawing the reader to a thoughtful, reminiscent place.
Anger is an emotion we are sometimes scared of. The funny thing is that anger, directed correctly, can be a powerful force for change.
I liked that you had edit points in your poem. That’s a handy way for someone to comment.
Favorite bit:
My anger tastes of vomit.
Its acidity gnaws at my throat,
Until it is too raw for me to speak
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest breaking this poem into stanzas. It gives the reader a chance to pause between thoughts.
I am confused by this part. It doesn’t seem to fit. Are you saying that a kind word from a parent would help extinguish the anger? If so, then I think saying that at the end would finish the thought.
Perhaps a kind word,
From a mother,
Or father.
In summation:
The trick is not to direct the anger inwardly or on to the unsuspecting. We’re all doing the best we can.
Easter is a time of renewal and reflection. Your poem accurately reflects that feeling we have during the rebirth of spring and all that it means to us, physically and spiritually.
Favorite stanza:
Spring’s sun and warmer rains
Opens blossoms and remains
True of heart and living water
Quenching thirst, I am his daughter.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In the first stanza, “love’s” should be used instead of “loves” as it is possessive in this usage
Grace our table with loves glowing light.
This may be my preference, but I would initial cap references to the Lord.
(His) Quenching thirst, I am his daughter.
(Your) Raised high, I praise your name.
(You) Now back from the dead you will remain
(You) In my heart and in my mind, I love you.
In summation:
This is a love poem in its highest form. I enjoyed the opportunity to read and review it.
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The spacing of your stanzas is a little disconcerting as I cannot find a rhythm. By that I mean that most of your stanzas start with an indentation, which is fine, but some of them, like this below, has an indentation midway through. I can’t find the reason for this. If it is a separate stanza, I would add a line break before the next indented line
My review has been submitted for consideration in "