This is such a cute story. Tell me you have more than one chapter?
I've always been a sucker for a good romance and this has all the markings of being interesting. Intriguing, as well. Why is he checking out romance novels? Is he a budding writer and wants inspiration? Is he volunteering at a nursing home and reads to the women there? So many possibilities!
Well-written. Very well-written, in fact. The cadence was good all the way through, and his descent into madness is obvious and ramps up at a good pace.
The only sentence I have a suggestion on is "There was a television above the waiter’s head as he worked." I think saying where it was is the key point. How about something like "There was a television bolted high on the wall behind the counter." That's not perfect either, but something along those lines.
I'm sorry about your Dad. It's been many years since my Dad passed but your poem was totally relatable and brought back so many memories.
I liked the tone you set and your admiration for your father comes across clearly. A suggestion? In the first stanza, I would remove the other two 'fateful's you have there. I don't think they really add anything to the power, nor does removing them take any thing away. "On that fateful day."
I enjoyed your poem. I've never come across a double acrostic before; that must have been very challenging.
I would suggest the following edit: "Let the warmth of the sun ..." Adding those two words doesn't change your first and last letter of the line and helps the flow of the sentence. In my opinion, of course.
I liked the overall message of the poem as well. Well done.
Loved this!
I felt like I was right there, tasting the blood on my own lip as I kissed my girl as she tried to save me from my own fate.
Nothing critical to say--rather, it's all praise.
I could feel the dark interior of the hallway, smell the sweat and fear and lust...
Oh, boy. This is a good read.
There was something a little sinister about Greg at the beginning, before I understood that they had been together for three years. That quickly changed to heartbreak around the middle of your story.
I felt genuinely sad for both of them. And he's a good guy. Nothing sinister at all.
They're just SO sad...
Obviously you hit all of the emotional buttons in the telling.
I will take my sad self away now...lol.
This is an excellent article. Well thought out, well-executed, and a fascinating subject matter which is hard to pin down in paragraphs but you managed that quite handily.
I really enjoyed that you tied together your own experiences as a child/teen. They dovetail mine to an extent. And then continued into adulthood, your questioning also right in time with mine. I wish I had not felt quite so alone during those times when I didn't know what I didn't know. This article would have gone a long way towards some sense of relief for me.
That was kinda gross...in a good way!
I loved your descriptions, even down to the feeding stylets...did not know that about those whiny pesks!
You left quite a cliffhanger, as the waitress could very well spend her entire shift (or until her death, whichever ended things first) infecting an entire restaurant full of hungry patrons.
How wonderful!
The rhyming conversation is excellent!
I am not a fan of rhyming poetry normally but found this very entertaining.
The beginning especially was bouncy and lively, with the back and forth with the mother's faith in her child.
Well done.
This is very helpful.
I was looking for some kind of guidelines to leave a review.
You've included quite a lot, which can be pared down.
I'm new to reviewing, and want to make sure my comments are positive, for the most part.
What constructive criticism is included I strive to put in such a way that it will be of aid in the person's future writing endeavors. Sometimes that not all that easy!
How do you constructively criticize in a helpful way? I'm curious to know.
Maybe he should have told her she could use the front door? :)
I enjoyed this short story. Even in just a few words, you portrayed a nicely well-rounded picture of a father who cares, not only for his daughter's well-being, but also that she have a little fun.
So that was interesting.
I had to read the last two paragraphs several times to see how they tied into the story, but finally the lightbulb came on!
Your description of the fall was detailed and painful (not to read, to imagine experiencing), and that's always a good thing.
I enjoyed this, even if it was a bit twisted ;)
This was an extremely palatable history lesson in St Patrick!
I mean that in the nicest way possible :)
Your pacing was good. I am not normally a fan of rhyming poetry, but having the first and second lines rhyme in each stanza was a good idea, and tying each one together with a reference to St Paddy's Day a unique approach.
This is pretty amazing writing.
You've captured the descent into...well, madness, right? Or at least the beginnings of it.
I cannot help to wonder how many of the prisoners locked away for months or years followed the same route as a coping mechanism.
We can only hope that those who made it out were able to recover their sanity.
This gives me lots to think about, actually. We can (and do) trap ourselves in our own heads, but what happens when it's initiated at the hands of another? For punishment, surely, but what remains?
(Now I want to research those prisoners and their families!)
Oh this was a wonderful story!
I get an image of a kind-of tomboy ("kind-of" because of the whole Ken and Barbie thing) but what really struck me is how seamlessly you wove the doll characters into the real life ones.
What a rich, detailed imagination this one has.
The pacing was just right as well.
I also loved how Grandma was in on it (making finger sandwiches and also fashioning a matching cast).
Well done!
Excellent.
I liked the way you used the words odor/smell/scent, and how you attached them to tangible objects.
That gives richness and a palpable feeling to the emotions of grief.
This flows very well and I could really FEEL myself going down and digging into the roots of that very sorrow. Because it Lives in that place.
This was slightly weird, but then a prompt of this sort is bound to result in strange stories.
I like the idea of roach-eating squirrel exterminators. I think that's franchisable! (made up word lol).
The story hooked me in from the first.
All we need now is birth control for the squirrels...
I enjoyed this very much.
There is so much truth in thinking that 'the future' is something out there, something we will never achieve or, when we do, that it will look so totally different from our today. When, really, we bring ourselves forward into that next step that is the next now, now, now...
Beautiful.
Heart-breaking at first, to be sure.
That which drives us away, leads us ultimately home.
Each word and stanza are meaningful on their own. There is power in your words.
Wholly together, this takes on great meaning in understanding our TRUE selves.
We need no one but God.
Uncomfortable. Yet vital to your soul. To the soul of your little girl, striving to break free.
Is there release/relief in writing the memoir? Will it help you break free? Then do it. If it doesn't serve, then ask if it's truly necessary?
In the end, we only love ourselves.
You're right - you got this.
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