Thank you for giving me the opportunity to review your article “The Secrets Nobody Tells You About Love.”
My first impression is this is a very long read. Long reads are not bad!
The information is good, but I suggest you consider some editing to group your thoughts together as I noticed some repetition.
From a reading standpoint, I would suggest consistency in font size unless you are trying to emphasize something (such as in the second paragraph, where some of the information is in bold.) For instance, the paragraph that begins “The terrifying thing” has a change to a smaller font midway through.
I would also suggest, for ease of reading, that you bullet point your ideas. Much easier on the eye, and that way your (above edited) thoughts are laid out together, rather than here and there throughout your article.
And, because of invaluable information I received from having one of my items reviewed, I would urge you to write in shorter sentences. It’s not easy to do, but I noticed you did use shorter sentences for most of the article, so obviously you’re ahead of the game. Some of my first short stories had really, really long run-on sentences. It was a challenge!
Overall it’s a great effort and I applaud and encourage you to continue to hone your craft.
And that's what you get for fighting with your sister!
This was a fun read.
You did a lot with three hundred words. I really got a sense of the fight and the aftermath.
The only suggestion I have is a re-write of the last sentence. Perhaps, "and brought the presents back in?" I realize you might need to find two words to cut somewhere else, but to me, the sentence feels incomplete.
I enjoyed your short story. Usually I'm not a fan of science fiction, but this was more than that. This was human.
To have to leave someone behind, while you discover something so totally brand new, can be an allegory for any life situation. Including asteroids destroying the earth!
The story of the three little pigs terrified me as a child.
Put into this perspective, I now feel sorry for the wolf, although, as wolves will do, he might be pulling the rug over all of our eyes with his "nice-guy" attitude. Blowing houses down, after all, is a little bit of an exaggerated way to vent your anger.
Every great short story provides enough details to titillate, and just enough left out to leave the reader wanting more.
I totally enjoyed reading "The Meeting." I could just get the dusty, suppressed feeling of the small town, the family run motel, the lazy oppression of no air moving.
And boom. Room fourteen is gone, along with Garcia.
Interesting poem. I like the interplay between light and shadow.
The whole vibe makes me think about light. And shadow. How there is no light without the darkness.
I would suggest that you tweak the sentence "even on the looks we are different." Perhaps "even in looks we are different."
I would also continue the theme of 'But' interjected thusly:
After the first sentence (I have a twin sister/But/We are not the same)
A line break 'don't get me wrong I love her' and then another after 'I hate here at the same time'
The best thing about any well-written poem is to make the reader wonder, as I do, why you feel she made you shadow.
This is a vital message to young and old alike. We are hounded constantly, to compare ourselves, to conform. But who holds the standard of what actually is beautiful?
I would definitely suggest breaking this up into paragraphs to make it easier to read. There are a number of words that need to be tweaked, along with some punctuation.
I enjoyed this poem. It certainly gives food for thought. How many times do we stay with the known, never venturing far from what we think is the right way?
In my opinion, I would remove the spaces before the first line ending punctuation. The ":" and ";" should be directly behind the last word in the sentence with no space. I would also remove the two extra exclamation points at the end of the very last line. As a suggestion, I would also consider revising the second and third lines of the fourth stanza. Perhaps they could read as "If you avoid feeling passion and its turbulent emotions."
Greetings! I (in full possession of a (wired) keyboard that works) am here to leave a review for "Tupid Keybord"
Clever! At first glance, I almost passed up the opportunity to read the submission because I thought "this person cannot spell!"
Suggestions and opinions: none. You had me laughing out loud by the second paragraph. It was also at that point that my brain got with it as well and just started replacing all the missing letters. Smooth sailing after that. It helps, I think, that I've also had a wireless keyboard (emphasis on HAD) so I can relate to your plight.
In summary: This is the right length to get your point across with humor. Loved it!
Greetings! Stopping by (with my nose plugged, just in case) to leave a review of "Hounds-Chapter 1."
In Summary: Ready to read on. Stinky decomp aside, I'm intrigued to know more. About the detective. About the murdered. And of course whodunit and why. There's more?
Opinions and (probably opinionated) suggestions: What's not to love here? New detective, jaded city hacks, drunk ME. The storyline has me hooked already. Dialogue is smooth. Characters are already fully formed just in this first chapter. Curious at the title, but assuming all will become clear in time.
And finally: It was a pleasure to stumble across this story. Thank you.
Greetings! I'm stopping by to leave a review of "Retirement Blues."
First impressions: Your rhythm and sense of rhyme are spot on. "Retirement Blues" is depressing in the way only a good poem can be.
Opinions and (probably opinionated) suggestions: I wouldn't change a word. The cadence picks up nicely from the start and just continues to flow. You've captured the bleak life of a man with nothing to do until he dies.
Favorite stanza: Pendulum clock ticks out its tocks
as the minutes dance by like hours.
Look at the time, wait for the chime;
enough of smelling the flowers!
Finally: Well done! Depressing but such a good read.
Greetings! Swinging by 'down under' (from 'up yonder') to leave a review for "Outback Honeymoon."
Overall Impression and the moral of the story: Demand Pictures! Don't believe the brochure!
My opinions and (probably opinionated) suggestions: This is a true story (you poor things!) so the saying 'truth is stranger than fiction' comes to mind. Can't make this stuff up, amiright? Your descriptions are wonderful. Unfortunately, that makes me want to shudder in commiseration. The tennis court and ruined pool. The frogs! The cockroaches! Ugh. All of that made my skin crawl, thus (hopefully) achieving your mission to make your reader really feel the misery.
Finally: A less than optimal way to spend a honeymoon, but, like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, I hope it made your bond with each other only stronger. Somehow I can see this story with a saved copy of the brochure or maybe photographs (you took some, hopefully?) in a frame on the wall so that you can tell your children's children how it all began.
Greetings! Thought I'd stop by your spinning planet to leave a review of "Balance."
Overall impression: I'm impressed by the story as a whole. Not only is it well-written, but the very idea of a sister planet becomes plausible and intriguing through the care you have taken while crafting this tale.
My opinions and (probably opinionated) suggestions: I immediately felt comfortable with the way you write. It takes some writers years (or never) to draw in the reader and immediately put them at ease. I did notice an extra opening " on the last paragraph, which doesn't affect the story, but the grammar police in my head insisted I point it out to you.
Greetings! Just stoppin' by the farm to leave a review of "A Secret Worth Keeping"
Overall impression: Well thought out story with good descriptions and clearly defined characters. Breaking free from the confines of a strict, old-fashioned upbringing. A secret between a brother and a sister. Can't tell Poppa; he'll go crazy for sure.
My opinions and (probably opinionated) suggestions: The story flowed well. Tommy and Ruby's conversation in the barn was helpful in providing insight as to their relationship as siblings. It struck me that you probably had a time with all the dropped word ending and beginnings (as in for me would be hard to maintain) but obviously works to set the rural scene.
I was unclear on whether Liam is actually still alive and just disappeared so they could all leave? I know you mentioned it with "He and Ruby were gonna hook up with Liam and get out of this town for good. All they had to do was make it to the weekend." But since the discussion of Liam's death came after that, I couldn't tell for sure.
Also, what were the pills in Ruby's pocket for?
Finally: I enjoyed your story very much. I could feel the pressure that the man of the house put on his wife and children, and the children's need to be free.
Greetings! Just stoppin' by the farm to leave a review of "A Secret Worth Keeping"
Overall impression: Well thought out story with good descriptions and clearly defined characters. Breaking free from the confines of a strict, old-fashioned upbringing. A secret between a brother and a sister. Can't tell Poppa; he'll go crazy for sure.
My opinions and (probably opinionated) suggestions: The story flowed well. Tommy and Ruby's conversation in the barn was helpful in providing insight as to their relationship as siblings. It struck me that you probably had a time with all the dropped word ending and beginnings (as in for me would be hard to maintain) but obviously works to set the rural scene.
I was unclear on whether Liam is actually still alive and just disappeared so they could all leave? I know you mentioned it with "He and Ruby were gonna hook up with Liam and get out of this town for good. All they had to do was make it to the weekend." But since the discussion of Liam's death came after that, I couldn't tell for sure.
Also, what were the pills in Ruby's pocket for?
Finally: I enjoyed your story very much. I could feel the pressure that the man of the house put on his wife and children, and the children's need to be free.
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