This is impactful! I’ve read it now a dozen times, each time getting the clear cadence of your words. Each stanza is strong on its own, leading us through the powerful terribleness. "Powerful terribleness" is probably not even a proper phrase. I just don’t know how else to describe it.
Favorite stanza:
Crushed spine left powerless when
brushed clean of vertebrae's strong
hushed force. Hard compressions, shock!
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
What an interesting prompt. I will admit I did wonder what the black square was at first 😊
It’s not easy to come up with an entire poem about a white canvas. However, your words did bring to mind a snooty art gallery, half of the visitors shaking their heads in confusion while the other half were busily picturing where exactly they would hang it in their summer home. Or winter home. Maybe they need two?
Favorite line:
the eyes brimming
with too much day,
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I was a bit confused at the beginning, as I didn’t realize this was the title of the art in question. I think this was because you had it broken into two lines. My suggestion would be to leave it all on one line, for continuity (Title? Snowblind in an Arctic Blizzard)
Title? Snowblind
in an Arctic Blizzard
My overall suggestion is that you break the poem into stanzas. To me, the words all run together and not having eye-breaks for this reader leaves some very powerful phrases undistinguished.
In this line, I believe that “there’s” should be “that’s”
Now there’s original.
And here, I believe “loosing” should be “losing” although “loosening” might also work, depending on your intent.
the loosing of the mind
In summation:
The imagery you describe so powerfully does absolute justice to this well-written poem
I wrote a children’s book years ago, from the perspective of a rose. Your poem reminded me of that story. It’s fun to give thoughts to things that are alive for only a short time!
You’ve managed to capture those feelings quite handily in your poem.
Favorite lines:
A yellow as a morning sky
as velvet as an open sea
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In this opening line, I believe ‘A’ should be ‘As” (As yellow…)
A yellow as a morning sky
In this line, ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’ as it is possessive (I know you’re angry)
I know your angry
I’ve re-read this stanza repeatedly, but the last line doesn’t seem to work. What is laying on the open grass? The flower/weed? Or just the petals? I can see the imagery, but I feel amending that last line would make it come to life (tired life!)
My petals are all droopy
I'm too tired to stand
laying on the open grass
In summation:
I like the overall feeling of this poem. Sad, yes. Resigned, yes. As we all are in this life; at least sometimes.
This is a really interesting poem about death. Your title description indicates it’s also about being stuck and not being able to move on from a relationship. First read does not reveal the depths of that possibility. Second and third read reveal a bit more, but only towards the very end.
Favorite line:
Somwhere near, a tear falls from the blue sky.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest breaking this poem into stanzas. It gives the reader a chance to pause between thoughts.
In this line, there is a misspelling of ‘throat’
A scavenged throath, dirt in alveoli.
In this line, 'somewhere' is misspelled.
Somwhere near, a tear falls from the blue sky.
In these two lines, I feel there is a contradiction with the timeline. If it’s only been six months, I don’t think the bones would be scattered everywhere, unless they were that of a small animal. I would consider revising this, if you are referring to something larger than a bird? Although, of course, this poem is also about metaphorical death. It just doesn’t work for me so I wanted to point it out.
Bones scattered everywhere.
“Six months dead”, the coroner utters.
In summation:
This is a powerful piece. There are gems scattered throughout, drawing the reader to a thoughtful, reminiscent place.
Anger is an emotion we are sometimes scared of. The funny thing is that anger, directed correctly, can be a powerful force for change.
I liked that you had edit points in your poem. That’s a handy way for someone to comment.
Favorite bit:
My anger tastes of vomit.
Its acidity gnaws at my throat,
Until it is too raw for me to speak
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest breaking this poem into stanzas. It gives the reader a chance to pause between thoughts.
I am confused by this part. It doesn’t seem to fit. Are you saying that a kind word from a parent would help extinguish the anger? If so, then I think saying that at the end would finish the thought.
Perhaps a kind word,
From a mother,
Or father.
In summation:
The trick is not to direct the anger inwardly or on to the unsuspecting. We’re all doing the best we can.
Easter is a time of renewal and reflection. Your poem accurately reflects that feeling we have during the rebirth of spring and all that it means to us, physically and spiritually.
Favorite stanza:
Spring’s sun and warmer rains
Opens blossoms and remains
True of heart and living water
Quenching thirst, I am his daughter.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In the first stanza, “love’s” should be used instead of “loves” as it is possessive in this usage
Grace our table with loves glowing light.
This may be my preference, but I would initial cap references to the Lord.
(His) Quenching thirst, I am his daughter.
(Your) Raised high, I praise your name.
(You) Now back from the dead you will remain
(You) In my heart and in my mind, I love you.
In summation:
This is a love poem in its highest form. I enjoyed the opportunity to read and review it.
This is an uplifting poem and a great reminder that no man is an island. Even when we think we’ve got it all together, there will be times when we need help. Just as others will. We are better, together.
Favorite stanza:
Encouragement plays it's part
Lifting up one another
Giving comfort and time
to a sister or a brother
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
The only thing I noticed is that, in the third stanza, “it’s” should be “its” as it’s not used as a contraction.
This was an interesting, informative and (unfortunately for many parts of the world) too accurate of an article. Within your article is the warning for us: no rainfall is a circular event. No rain, and the crops don’t grow. No rain, and the prices go up. No rain, and … etc.
What I liked:
The article is well laid out. You made it interesting by including human-interest in the form of Neil Fowler. He is now “every farmer” in the eyes of the reader.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
For consistency, I would initial cap “Farmers” and “Crisis” in the title
I would suggest a period after “Australia,” making this into two sentences
This is my hometown of Perth Western Australia, after a record hot summer, everyone was looking forward to the cooler months.
And here, I would place a period after “yet,” making this into two sentences as well.
“But it’s not time to panic yet, if it hasn’t rained by the end of June, then we can start to worry,” so says a spokesman for the Association of Agriculture Consultants.
In summation:
This is a well-written article. I enjoyed reading it.
This is a heartfelt and touching poem about the loss of a beloved. Time does not dim our memories of one who once was here. Rather, time softens those memories, making them sweet.
I liked the repeated line: “Wait for me.” It speaks of a longing to be, once again, as close as can be.
Favorite line:
Woe perched upon my heart on that fateful day,
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Here, "weeped" should be "wept"
My soul weeped as your eyes were trying to say,
A couple of suggestions with this. "thou" should be "though" and I believe another word is needed before "vibrant." Perhaps: "Alas, though once young, your vibrant soul aged with time." Something like that.
Alas, thou once young, vibrant soul aged with time.
Here, I would suggest amending "with calmness" to "calmly."
This heart of mine beats with calmness with memories of you.
And, in this sentence, I would suggest using "With" instead of "In."
In the vision of you venturing upon a delicate ocean of blue.
Again, these are just my opinions, but I wanted to point them out to you.
In summation:
I enjoyed reading this poem. Your love for your grandmother shines through your words.
It’s amazing how a poem with so few words can tell an entire story.
With this poem, I feel like I’m there in the stadium. One of the fans. Wearing my team’s colors.
Favorite line:
Stadium seats the fans and colors fill,
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
None noted.
In summation:
I enjoyed reading this poem and letting myself be swept away. Do I smell hot dogs?! 😊
Wow. This is such a powerful piece. At the same time, it is recklessly sad. My emotions are all over the place.
It’s well-written, changing character perspective midway and then bringing everything together with the last stanza.
Favorite stanza:
I say i'll never go back
But I have not even left
I prepare what to say
But the words never leave my tongue
I will face my problems
Just not today
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In this first line, “I’ll” should be capitalized to be consistent with the rest of the capitalization in the poem
I say i'll never go back
In this line, I would change “want” to “wants”
She want to live her life her way
I think that in this line “in that shower” is confusing. It’s shocking enough without it. You could leave it in, of course, I just feel like in that case a bit more explanation is needed.
After using her body for pleasure in that shower
In summation:
Great prose is borne of pain. You’ve got something well worth reading here.
This is stream of consciousness poetry that others should aspire to. There’s no reason to try to fit into some type of mold, or to try to rhyme. Not when there are so many important things to be said.
This piece is about not being able to find your voice. Or rather, you know very well where it is and what it has to say, but the words get stuck in your throat. Perhaps there is fear that you will not be taken seriously. Perhaps you are afraid you will be judged. Or worse yet, that no one cares.
I like that you broke each thought into its own line. There’s room to breathe and to really take in the import of your words.
Favorite line:
kissing my soul away
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In this sentence, “itself” should be one word
strangled before making it self heard
In summation:
I enjoyed reading this poem very much. There is strength in your writing.
There is a lot of power in your writing. The comparisons you draw between you and your mother can be painful at times. There are lessons both of you can learn. Because you have the choice.
Favorite lines:
Me and my mother are two individuals fighting two separate wars within ourselves just trying to come back home alive
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would encourage you to use punctuation and paragraph breaks. Where there is stream of consciousness writing it’s sometimes hard to know where to stop to take a breath. I feel the power of your words would be much better served if you broke this up.
Here, I would spell out nineteen, put a space after the number and add the word “old” at the end 19years
In summation:
You’ve got something to stay. There is a lot going on here. Make it shine!
Your poem reminds me of Alice in Wonderland where, indeed, we are asked to put aside any ideas of reality as we know it. In each stanza we are reminded and encouraged to go deeper. Deeper, where real life isn’t real and all of our troubles will disappear.
You’ve followed the rules of the sonnet perfectly and your rhyming is spot on.
Favorite lines:
Release the anguish, hurt and pain,
And find your sense of awe again.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
None noted.
In summation:
I enjoyed the journey reading your poem took me on.
It’s somehow appropriate that I read this on 4/20. 😊
The Cheshire Cat, with his mesmerizing grin, is even now waiting for you…
I love this poem in all four versions, although if you want my vote, I’d choose version one.
This is written in such an engaging style. I can hear a small child’s piping voice asking away as the day goes on. The questions continue as it becomes night, even to the point of wanting to sleep with mommy. Because Monsters!
Favorite lines:
I hear a monster
Under my bed.
Why can't I sleep
With you, instead?
And
When will we be there?
I have to go pee!
When do we eat?
Are you listening to me?
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
None noted.
In summation:
This is such a cheerful poem! It’s been an honor and a joy to read and review all four versions!
Revelations was always the book in the Bible that scared the crap out of me!
Your poem is very well written. Each line stands on its own as distinct. Each stanza rhymes well. The pacing is certain, leading us from the first noticing of something wrong to the “this is how we fix it” ending.
Favorite lines:
No need had they of horse’s shoes
Delivering God’s wrath. They fly.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest consistency when using He vs he. There is one instance of He (in the first stanza), but then the other instances are not capitalized. Standard would be to capitalize throughout, when referencing God.
In summation:
This was well worth reading. It was my honor to do so.
Women described as houses? I’ve never heard of that before.
It makes sense though, the way you describe it.
Women are filled with different compartments (rooms) and they can choose to fill that room with whatever they wish. Beauty, fulfillment, maybe a cellar full of regret.
Then to juxtapose upon that calm interior the hollow core of a man who must build and destroy, fix and tear down…
This imagery which you have written made me think of a man like that, at the end of his days, no longer hollow…but instead of rooms full of whatever, there is rubble and debris. So. Not hollow. But also not exactly full of grace either.
This (above) is why even a short piece of writing like yours can evoke such strong thoughts. It’s a testament to the power of your words.
Favorite lines:
When all a man really needs is for someone to say he's already whole.
And for him to believe it.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I would suggest that you use "Each Other" in your title.
In summation:
Really thought-provoking. It was my honor to review your work.
When you are stuck in a place where there is only bad at every turn, you have to go within. But what if within is just as bad?
There is deep unhappiness in your poem. You have accurately captured the dread of Self. And, if we are so deeply entrenched in that dread, we have no options. There is seemingly no way out.
Favorite line:
The sweetness that You care about Yourself enough to let it out.
Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Through most of the poem, you capitalized You and Your. To intensify the impact of that capitalization, I would be consistent throughout, capitalizing every You word.
In summation:
Thankfully, for almost all of us, the choking does not result in our demise. The sun DOES rise. Eventually.
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There is a typo in the third stanza (wondrous)
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