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151
151
Review of The Dance  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: KingsSideCastle1
Re: The Dance

Preface:


"I didn't originally intend to write about the dance memory that ultimately became the focus of the story. I actually had forgotten about this experience for a long time. I was initially just intending to write about the various parties where I heard this song being played. Somehow though this experience just rose to the top of the rest of the memories. It's really surprising what fragments of the past a simple song can unlock."

This story was written as part of Writing.com challenge. Basically the goal was to listen to the song "Celebration" by "Kool and the the Gang" and write a piece that the song inspired.

"It's really surprising what fragments of the past a simple song can unlock."

Parties:

Your descriptions of the parties sound a lot like many my friends recall
when we talk about our teenage years, including dancing class, awkward
introductions, especially awkward first dances, and the slow dances that
every one of us waited for enthusiastically. Sometimes for the chance to
dance with our dream partner. Much of the the time, this meant we could
shuffle around the dance floor without embarrassing ourselves big time !

The Dance:

This is a wonderful piece. You describe the occasion, the young woman,
and the dance without fanfare, which means your story comes across as authentic. Reading about your dance was like watching a black and white 50's movie. When the color and glamour are peeled back, the teenage boy and girl emerge, and we know them.

Summary:

"The whole experience on the dance floor probably took place over the course of a minute or two but it seemed simultaneously longer and shorter than that. Reflecting on the memory now I think that the girl might have realized the extent of my lack of dancing experience and graciously cut things short. For me though I didn't mind and remember the experience pretty fondly. It was a fun party!"

In Closing:

Throughout this piece, you dispense with needless details. There is something endearing about this piece, given the simplicity of your story and the complete lack of fanfare attached to the time spent on the dance floor. This
piece is unique, unadorned, well written, and authentic.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella

152
152
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Grace07
Re: The Attack of the Lump Monster

The Author:


Grace's Blog: www.bridgeofwords.blogspot.com
Favorite Genres: Sci-Fi, Christian, fantasy, romance, mystery
Favorite Authors: Dee Henderson, Irene Hannon,
Dan Brown, Jane Austen
Favorite Quote: "Always use the word 'impossible' with
the greatest caution."

A Children's Story:

Toni and Andrew tease five year old, Jackson:
Andrew calls out to Toni: “Did you buy that body pillow you wanted?”
“No,” came the confused reply. “Why?”
Andrew grinned. “Then we have a lump on our bed.”
“Oh do we now?”
The lump twitched, and Andrew thought he heard a small snicker. His grin widened. “Yeah. Guess the lump monster’s back.”
“Oh, dear!” Andrew heard the feigned fear in her voice. “It must have eaten Jackson, because he was on the bed just a minute ago.”
Andrew gasped. The lump twitched little more and began to giggle. “Oh, it’s a giggly lumpy monster!” He slowly approached the bed.
Jackson wiggled and twitched while his Dad tickled and laughed.
Andrew just grinned and pulled his son into a hug. He’d loved these “Lump Monster” games since he was younger than Jackson. And now that it had passed onto the next generation, he would enjoy them again, but as the recipient of the “attacks.”

Impressions:

This is a delightful story, one many of us can recall when we think
back on those wonderful days when we were little. I remember
waiting with great anticipation when hide-and-seek was under way and mom or dad had to find us. Little clues like the sign of a familiar sneaker peeking out from the bottom edge of an oversized blanket. Or seeing the fingers of a little fairy whose mom had painted her nails rosy red with her favorite nail polish. The little fairy holds the sheet over her body from her wiggling toes to the top of her head. This is a wonderful tradition. This game provoked lots of laughter and created wonderful warm memories to be enjoyed many years later.

Thanks for sharing your story, Grace ! Your writing is a perfect match with
your story. You craft wonderful images of the little boy under the covers
waiting with great joy and lots of giggles for the tickling to start :)

Child Stars:

Creating a delightful 5 year old who is cute naturally through the force of their personality is a challenge you responded to beautifully, Grace. Your Jackson is the epitome of an adorable five year old. He responded to the game exactly the way our children did at age 5. Bravo, Grace !

I hope you will continue on to write more children's stories, Grace !

Gabriella

.






153
153
Review of Out of Order  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Cryptic Omega
Re: "Out of Order"

Why this Story is Important:


A middle aged black man shuffled into the coffee
shop, his body slouched with the signs of fatigue.
His clothes weren’t the cleanest nor the brightest
and between the wrinkles were frayed strands and
thin spots. He ambled past my table toward the back
and tried to open the door to the bathroom only to
find it locked.

There was a sign taped to the door. “This restroom
is for customers only! You must ask front counter
for the key! Thanks,” it read.

The man passed me a second time on his way to
the front counter. He didn’t smell, but he didn’t
appear healthy. Upon reaching the front counter
he asked the barista, a young white man who
looked to be in his twenties, for the key to the
bathroom.

Out of Order:

“It’s out of order,” the young man replied with an
apologetic air. He waved his palms in the air and
grimaced as if to soften the blow of the news.

What Do You think ?

You could say this instance is yet another example of
the underlying racism and classism in America.
What harm was there in letting the man use the
restroom? Why go through the effort of lying?

Do we see it more fit to banish a man to use the outdoors
as his facilities like an animal? Perhaps our culture cares
more about niceties and appearances than the humane
treatment of its citizens. I wonder how many other facilities
and services are “Out of order” for that man.

This is beautifully written and articulate, Cryptic ! Your
message is meantingful and powerful.

All the best,

Gabriella


.

154
154
Review of Night Terrors  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


To: Elizabeth
Re: Night Terrors

Elizabeth, the Author:


Elizabeth lives in Ontario, Canada
Her Interests: Writing, reading, history, film, music, feminism, social justice.
Favorite Links: https://twitter.com/lizleannek
https://www.goodreads.com/elizabethlk
Favorite Genres: Fiction: Fantasy, Sci-fi, Romance, Graphic Novels,
Historical, Horror, YA. Non-Fiction: History, Memoir, Biography.
A few of her Favorite Books: Harry Potter, A Series of Unfortunate Events,
A Game of Thrones, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings
Animal Farm, and The Lottery.
Favorite Poets: Maya Angelou and Christina Rosetti

Elizabeth's Story: The Night Terrors

You write beautifully, Elizabeth. Your descriptions are wonderful. I read this a few times
to determine whether the "waves of heat" and "mirage tinted red" were in reality, an
automobile accident happening, a fire down the road, or a nightmare driving Susannah
through an epic nightmare to meet her demise--"the doom of her prophetic dream."
While I'm not a fan of horror stories, this piece of writing has to be praised for
its absorbing qualities and its compelling descriptions.

Bravo, Elizabeth. I hope you continue on to write more stories.

All the best,

Gabriella

155
155
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Naru
Re: Betrayal Like a Fine Rose

Your Story:


The first paragraph has the feeling of a preface: "The distant sound of voices was getting louder, louder. Until eventually, they were so close she could practically hear them shouting their insensitive, harsh realities into her ears. Their words kept repeating and repeating. She felt more of her carefully composed wall crack which each word, with each syllable." This is the voice of a ghost, the ghost of the girl who was murdered, calling out.

"The girl was dead. Killed during a robbery gone wrong in her own home. The robber? Her own cousin. He wanted money and lots of it. A drug dealer, an addict, blackmail. So many reasons why he did it but, one thing is for certain. He threw her life to the winds."

This is a whisper of a story. Because of its size, I couldn't help but admire your ability to capture the essence of this tragic story sufficiently to make what happened clear. You wrote well, Naru. There is something alluring about the absence of details in this story. I hardly took a breath before I found myself reading your story's last few words. If you were a poet, this might be considered prose-poetry. If you were a visual artist, this piece would be considered an "abstract" painting. In this case, the reader must hasten to gather the threads of your story. Your unique writing style and your choice of words are a perfect fit with the story's format.

Thank you for sharing this story with us, Naru. I hope you continue on to write more.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella




156
156
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Naru
Re: Betrayal Like a Fine Rose

Your Story:


The first paragraph has the feeling of a preface: "The distant sound of voices was getting louder, louder. Until eventually, they were so close she could practically hear them shouting their insensitive, harsh realities into her ears. Their words kept repeating and repeating. She felt more of her carefully composed wall crack which each word, with each syllable." This is the voice of a ghost, the ghost of the girl who was murdered, calling out.

"The girl was dead. Killed during a robbery gone wrong in her own home. The robber? Her own cousin. He wanted money and lots of it. A drug dealer, an addict, blackmail. So many reasons why he did it but, one thing is for certain. He threw her life to the winds."

This is a whisper of a story. Because of its size, I couldn't help but admire your ability to capture the essence of this tragic story sufficiently to make what happened clear. You wrote well, Naru. There is something alluring about the absence of details in this story. I hardly took a breath before I found myself reading your story's last few words. If you were a poet, this might be considered prose-poetry. If you were a visual artist, this piece would be considered an "abstract" painting. In this case, the reader must hasten to gather the threads of your story. Your unique writing style and your choice of words are a perfect fit with the story's format.

Thank you for sharing this story with us, Naru. I hope you continue on to write more.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella




157
157
Review of Raced  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Heleny
Re: Raced


The Author:

Heleny presents herself as follows:

"I live in New Zealand, in a small coastal area called Raumati Beach.
I am married with three gorgeous grown up girls, and one
granddaughter. My passion for poetry has always been within me,
but never encouraged. I find it hard to share my poetry, but through
a lovely friend, have started sharing. I am a breast cancer
survivor of ten years this year! "

My Impressions:

This is a wonderful poem, Heleny. You may be happy to see a film of this race.
I found it on YouTube: type in: YouTube: Berlin 1936 Rowing eight.
While the film is black and white, it shows us the exciting final moments
of the race when the US team moves ahead of the German and
Italian teams. Heleny's poem--with her beautiful descriptions--
gives us a sense of the hard work, the long painful preparation, and the
amount invested by all of the athletes in this glorious undertaking.
She emphasizes this sport's harmony, balance, and rhythm.
When going to the ballet "Swan Lake, "
you expect the tall posture and sense of lightness ... In sculling or rowing,
the rower's core strength and trunk stokes the team's elegance.

A Single Stanza taken from Heleny's Poem:

I especially admired:
"Although fragile like cobwebs
in the evening breeze,
theirs was a poem of motion
A symphony of swinging
In harmony, balance and rhythm
As they reached for gold,
the perfumed cedar, the spicy sweet aroma,
effervesced into mystery
Beauty unfolding."

Questions and Suggestions:

A couple of questions:
Do you think it would help to place a
period after "motion." Think whether
you should also place a comma
after "balance," and a period after
"rhythm." and "mystery."
These are simple fixes. Your poem
is no less wonderful as is.
However, its excellence can and will
be fully celebrated with these
simple repairs.

Thank you for sharing this gorgeous
poem. You are a fine writer, Heleny.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella

.
158
158
Review of Lady Victory  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Dead Poet Raving
Re: Lobster Monument and Lady Victory

Impressions:


Each wonderful photo of your trips through parts of Maine and
Massachusetts remind me of my childhood and teenage years spent
in York Harbor, Maine, Cape Cod, and Nonquitt, Mass.
My grandmother had a summer cottage in York Harbor. We went there
each summer for most of our early years--from childhood
through our mid-teens. Seeing your photos is a great treat. I hope
you have some wonderful memories attached to each of your
excellent photographs.

Follow-Up:

I hope you'll write more about your travels. We can see you are a fine
writer and you make wonderful photos with your camera. We'd
love to read what you liked most about those trips.

All the best,

Gabriella

159
159
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


You did a fantastic job replacing this sentence !!
Bravo ! I am really impressed. You came up with
a perfect solution, GC Gray ! *Laugh*

Warmest best,

Gab
160
160
Review of The Perfect Gift.  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Phsychogirl
Re: The Perfect Gift


Your story is about a 14 year old girl who finds out she has Protanopia. This is a disease that keeps us
from seeing red-green. This disease comes down from the girl's grand parents. The girl loves to paint
and draw, but has never seen red. Her mother dug deep for remedies, and found a special pair of
glasses, if worn, would allow the girl to see red. It was a huge, exciting moment for the girl who never saw
the world the way we do, to suddenly see the same things we see. Her devoted mother gave her these
special glasses for her birthday. What a glorious surprise !

I admire the simplicity of the story and the wonderful ending crafted without the help of a brass band, or a
long line of trumpets. The young girl closed the story by putting on her new glasses and
drawing with a red pencil for the first time ever.

Bravo to the student who wrote this story for her English class !

Gabriella



161
161
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: GC Gray
Re: Tweet me a Story Entry

Your entry:


"Her uncle left her an odd shop with a door linking this world to that. Something
passed through & it took every she had to close the door."

One small fix is needed:

Look carefully:

Her uncle left her an odd shop with a door linking this world to
that. Something passed through it & it took every ounce of energy she had
to close the door.

GC: this is a wonderful entry. I hope we'll see what happens next *Smile*

I know you just joined Writing.Com in September. I hope you're navigating
this wonderful, busy forum comfortably. Keep up the good work,
work, GC. In the meantime, if you need help with anything, don't hesitate
to get in touch.

Warmest best,

Gabriella


162
162
Review of Writing Biography  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: Stefan
Re: Writing Your Biography


Your bio: It was a treat to read your back-story. You are a capable writer. What you've
done over the years, in addition to writing, had to contribute to your well organized,
articulate writing style.

Setting aside private writing time is a wonderful idea. That you stick to it, is amazing !
There can't be a better way to build writing skills than to write on a regular
basis. You are setting a wonderful example for all of us, Stefan.*Smile*

The High Point in your Bio:

"We Skype a family writer's group every week. My oldest child, though educated in computer
engineering, writes for his living. On one occasion he asked, "Dad, why only write for sanity
leaving your novels to gather dust in some forgotten corner? Write one for our writer's group
and get it published. I know you can do it—I did." The challenge was accepted and I began
a new science fiction novel: departing from the purely fantasy genre of my past."

Imagine being able to inspire your children to become writers too *Smile* What a gratifying
way this must be to bond with your family.*Smile*

Small fixes:

When you write: "To avoid letting my children make my mistake of waiting until older to begin writing,
as each turned fourteen or so, I convinced them to join me in writing," do you think this sentence
needs a little attention ? Consider this: To discourage my children from waiting too long to start writing, I
approached each one at age 14 or so to invite them to write with me. Now, we Skype as a family writing
group each week.

When you write: "Brandon Sanderson's creative writing university classes online started improving my
writing and a few months later, I joined Writing.Com." How about trying this: After joining Brandon
Sanderson's university program for writers, I found I was making progress.

In the sentence that begins with: "On the advice of a past student", when you write: "I registered took
that course last term," consider this as an alternative: I registered to take that course last term.

When you write: "my writing quality has steadily improved", consider: the quality of my writing has
steadily improved.

Thank you for sharing your writing history and endeavors with us. I hope you'll go on to write more.

All the best,

Gabriella


.



163
163
Review of Hello!  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Little Rock
Re: Your introduction to W.Com

Greetings, Little Rock ! We're delighted to have you here with us.
We look forward to seeing more of you, and meeting your daughter.
I hope you're finding your way around W.Com.
If you haven't seen these options, here are a few
programs for a new member like you who is looking for
an anchor to give you a home base, help you
navigate W.Com, and take advantage of some of its
resources:

GROUP
The Newbies Academy Group  (E)
Need assistance and guidance. Stop on by!
#1949660 by ~ Sisco ~ Back!

"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus

Warmest best,

Gabriella

.
164
164
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: BigOosh
Re: Midnight Conversations

Your Premise:

This late night rendezvous
is at once too bashful and
cautious, and lovely and
alluring. Clearly, the goal is
to seduce this lovely lady.
A segment of your poem:

"I see you
you see me
sharing a gaze
I feel your presence
as you feel mine

dancing around
waiting for the other
to be the first
to say hi

We speak
of trivial things

midnight conversations
over coffee
and cigarettes

we are both moth
and the flame. "

The french started this:
Do you have a date this evening ?
Yes, I have a date.
Tu sors ce soir? -
Oui, j'ai un rendez-vous.

Best of luck, BigOosh !

Gabriella

.
165
165
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Soulraider
Re: Building Air-tight Domes on the Moon


How Life on the Moon could be possible:

This article, written by Soulraider, is
fascinating and a wonderful concept.
The author did a beautiful job chronicling
life on the moon and sharing how living on the
moon is possible.

Building a City on the Moon:

"A city-like structure can be built inside the domes
with residential apartments and commercial complexes.
Schools, restaurants and public places can also exist
inside such domes. People should be able to work at
commercial places to earn a living. Children should
be able to go to schools and grownups to colleges.
There should also be a good amount of supply of water
in such domes."

Thank you for sharing this information with us, Soulraider.
All the best,

Gabriella



166
166
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (5.0)

To: Neva
Re: Choosing the Right Word


Who is the Author ?

Neva was born in Blackwell, Oklahoma.
Now, Neva lives in Las Vegas, Nevada
She has two brothers and one sister.
Neva was her mother's caregiver before she died in 2012.
Neva writes poetry, spiritual poetry, fantasy, science fiction,
a blog and a journal.
Her blog: http://www.Writing.Com/authors/nfdarbe/blog

Choosing the Right Word: an excellent tip for writers:

A thousand stars in the sky
encourage a poet to write
odes to her heart's delight,
but if the wrong word is chosen
it carries the simile astray,
dams the rhythm's flow
and hides the metaphor's glow.

This is an elegantly written bit of sound
advice delivered in poetry form.
You're a clever lady, Neva *Smile*
This is a wonderful, appealing poem.
I'm so pleased to be able to
share this with our W.Com reviewers
and readers.

Bravo and warmest best,

Gabriella

.
167
167
Review of A sense of dread  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

To: Nasreen Chaudhary
Re: A Sense of Dread, a scary story

Who is this Author ?


Nasreen lives in Glasgow, Scotland UK
She reads books voraciously. And, she spends
endless hours coming up with great ideas to write about.
Her Interests: meeting new people, reading & writing.
Tarot, psychic development.

Small Repairs Needed:

*StarfishV* You write: "My new apartment is on the west side of this old building,
which if I remember rightly used to be the old staff quarters." Place
a comma after "rightly."

*StarfishV*You write: " My nasal passages felt raw and stingy and just
touching them made my eyes water." Place a period after "stingy." Start a new
sentence with "Just."

A writing tip: what is a run-on sentence ?

While most of your sentences tend to be too long, they are not run-on sentences.
Run-on sentences are sentences that contain too many ideas without proper
punctuation. When you write a sentence, look to see if it is long enough that
you can and should break the sentence in two. You will see what a difference
this makes.

*StarfishV*This is an example of a sentence you might consider breaking
in two: "We were supposed to be clearing the dinner plates but instead we had
snuck out the backdoor to smoke cigarettes behind the shed"
Try this: We were supposed to be clearing the dinner plates. Instead, we snuck
outside to smoke cigarettes behind the shed.

*StarfishV*When you say the nurse's mouth was "ajar", I suggest you say her mouth
was slightly open. Ajar is most often used to describe objects like a door or a jar of jam.
You obviously understand the word. See if you can come up with a more appropriate word.

No End in Sight !

This is a series of horrible events that continue on
without end. I wonder if the author is planning to write another chapter.
You're a capable story teller, Nasreen. It's clear you enjoy writing
horror stories. Keep on writing *Smile*

All the best,

Gabriella

.


168
168
Review of The Steps  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Blue Moon
Re: The Steps

Who is this author:


Born in 1965, this poet was born in Alberta, Canada.
He is a singer and a talented guitar player. He writes
wonderful poems. And, he considers his writing style
open and free.

Interests:

He walks in the park, gazes at the stars, and he is a wood
craftsman.

This Poem: Overview

The Steps is a sad poem written by
a guilt-ridden, despairing father. His poem
is filled with regrets.

"There's a man alone tonight
Trying to make amends
Trying to forgive himself
And live with the shame of knowing that
There's a little girl (waiting for him) on the steps."

A Message for Blue Moon:

You are articulate and your poetry is powerful,
Blue Moon. I admire your courage. You place
this story out for all the world to see. I hope
you receive solace from caring, understanding
reviewers.

HEALING

"The cars go by and they don't slow down
They go by never knowing she's there
As they pass they take away a little bit of hope
And leave behind a little more pain
Till there's nothing left but tears and the truth"

I hope your lovingly expressed tears and truth
lay the groundwork for long overdue
healing, Blue Moon.

You are a fine writer. I hope you will continue on
to write many more poems.

All the best,

Gabriella

.



169
169
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)

To: Soul Raider
Re: Review of: Principle Centered Leadership
A Book By Stephen Covey.


Having been at the helm of a couple of nonprofits over the years,
I have read and been inspired by Stephen Covey's books.
I love being reminded of his insights. This is what you convey:

"The book is about moral leadership, ethics, honesty, integrity and values.
It tells about the importance of security, wisdom, guidance and power.
These elements are the core of the principles. It talks about the seven habits,
including a maturity continuum that forms the basis of self awareness, imagination
and conscience, willpower, abundance mentality, courage, consideration
and creativity. It asks to reduce ones appetites and passions, to overcome pride
and pretension and to curb aspiration and ambition. It says we can achieve primary
greatness by imbibing the right rhetoric, style, intention and trust."

Thank you for recommending Covey's book !

All the best,

Gabriella

.
170
170
Review of Writing thoughts  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Celeb
Re: Writing Thoughts

The Crux of Your Message:


The words that are created on the screen vs The words that flow through my hand:

"I sit down each day at my desk. I look at my pencil, still sharpened from misuse,
and wonder if I will ever again put it to the white sheet of paper and make it
dance. Instead, now I push a button and watch the screen on my computer come
to life. The applications and folders used consistently sitting to the left side of
the screen. I look down at the black keyboard in front of me and I already know
I will not look at the keys as I begin to write. Not the way I would watch the
words flow as if from my fingers. "

Ergo:

"Hoping that it still has the same ability as when it flows from my hand. I begin my
journey, never knowing what will become of it, where it will lead or how it will end.
I sit at my desk, open the blank page, and wait for the words to flow."

This is a delightful piece, Celeb. You are articulate. Your message
is clear, and this piece is a treat to read. I'm certain there are many
writers who have considered the pros and cons of using our computers
to write, having once used a pen and a legal pad to write our poems
and stories.

Nice work, Celeb !

Bravo and all the best,


.
Gabriella

171
171
Review of He is art  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Buckky
Re: He is Art


This is a lovely poem, Buccky.
It is filled with love
and admiration for your artist.

I particularly like:
"he deserves to be seen by millions
yet how selfish of me
to want him to myself."

Your words fall beautifully
on the page. You make
writing look effortless.

Nice going, Buccky.

All the best,

Gabriella
172
172
Review of Survival  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)


To: Birdie
Re: Survival


This heroic poem celebrates this writer's
rugged journey to endurance and survival.

"Now I live a human life
After the ultimate sacrifice
Of the lie I used to be
Now I stand tall like a tree
Unafraid in a land
Of misery I stand
To show all
I've broken but will not fall"

And:

"I'm not afraid of who I am anymore
Ever since I shoved my ugly self out the door
I am beautiful and I will rise
Because I am somebody who has survived"

This is beautifully written and a powerful
statement, Birdie. I read it over twice,
appreciating it more with each reading.

Bravo, Birdie !

All the best,

Gabriella

.
173
173
Review of A Desperate Plea  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Velicity Phoenix
Re: A Desperate Plea

Who is this author ?


"I am a thirty year old mother of one. I put God first in my life, but I walk the edge
of darkness many days. It is not that I want to be there, it seems it was forced
upon me in my teens, to which you will read further if it pleases you. I have a husband,
who is much more then that, my best friend, my soulmate. I am a self proclaimed artist,
for I have talent's in many fields. Writing, comes from the soul, it has always been my core. "

This poem is beautifully written, Velicity. I have one
suggestion. If you decide not to use punctuation, remain consistent. We see you use
punctuation here and there. Examples: This pain I can no longer take.
Demons and Devils Flee! *Smile*

Velicity's Message:

This poem calls on us to see how powerful belief in a greater force can be:

"I finally cried out to the Lord that night
He’s the only one to calm my fears
Calling out to him I could breath
Darkness overwhelmed me, but He brought me Light
Wrapping me in his arms there were no tears
All I had to do was believe."

Bravo, Velicity !

All the best,

Gabriella


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174
174
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


To: Asher Rose
Re: Where did all the Monsters go ?


This is a delightful piece, Asher. Oh boy, do I remember the one
under my bed ! And, the monster inside my closet *Laugh*
I remember the many times my mother tried to persuade
me the monsters were not really there. She gave me a small
flashlight so I could see if those monsters were lurking
in my room in the dark. I'm happy to report, my monsters
disappeared well before I hit 20 *Smile*

Small fixes:

You write: "The one from inside your closet that walks on all fours and
has black ink dripping from its mouth? The one outside your window,
constantly tapping with it long, crooked fingers?" Instead of " and has
black ink", consider: on all fours with black ink dripping from its mouth.
You write: "If you hear that, they know your there." Instead, write: they
know you're there.
You write: "These things are nothing like the horrors"--eliminate "things".
Your write: "And more importantly.." Instead write: most important:

Thank you for this entertaining diversion. Nice work, Asher !!

All the best,

Gabriella

;
175
175
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: All Smiles
Re: The Soldier, the hero


This is a thoughtful, engaging poem, All Smiles. Your message
is noble. You remind us what is most important.
*Star* This is well written: "Instead of madness, blood and guts these
men have shed for war. Paving ways for future times and building
better laws."

This preamble is also impressive:

"Picking up the idea that somehow we can win,
easily hurting others from within a soldiers whim.
Standing shoulder to shoulder, beside our souls exposed.
Widened, opened ..... once again from remnants of a war. "

Nice work, All Smiles !

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella



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