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276
276
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Princess Diana:

Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

On behalf of our Newbies' Power Reviewers Group Raid, I took the liberty to visit your port and picked your piece to read and review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Truly, this is what we are apt to deal with in this day and age. We cannot be left behind in the dust. We need to jump in and go for the ride, right?

This piece would be a good op-ed submission.

*Mechanics

"...and blogging have changed [people][people's] forms of interaction. [Replace]

[Specifically, the community environment that towns and cities create.][This is a fragment. Fragments are not always wrong when used carefully.]

With all [this][these] new technology and social media outlets, there are endless possibilities for everyone to communicate.

*Punctuation
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

"...and sending them to their not “boyfriends and girlfriends.” {{c:green}Something is skewed in this sentence. Needs fixing.)

Their parents [to][too] consumed in work and social media to notice the lack of communication.[Replace]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good starting point, Princess Diana. Keep writing.


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277
277
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi, Kate:

On behalf of our Newbies' Power Reviewers Group Raid for this month, I took the liberty to visit your port and picked this piece to read and offer you my take away.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

*Content
If this story is for children, make it engaging by using dialogue. Let Oreo and Romeo talk. Show what the unfriendly eagle, Fred, did to Oreo and Romeo, by way of back and forth comment, that disturbed Champ. Then, attribute a line in Champ's perspective showing how he saved the day for the two friends.

Especially with children, showing keeps their interest compared to telling.

*Dialogue
Like I already pointed out, try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. This is especially important when writing for children.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
If you're writing short stories for a children's book, go for it. You have the ability to gather your thoughts and create situations that children will have fun reading.

Write away, Kate.


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278
278
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi, Effective Thoughts:

On behalf of our Newbies' Power Reviewers Group Raid this month, I took the liberty to visit your port and picked this piece to read and offer you my take away.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great organization and delivery, ET. In an ideal world, we strive to fulfill a perfect model of the family nucleus and dynamics. Sadly, we always fail. Each individual has that inherent free will to barrow their own path in life.

*Mechanics/Syntax
Good command of the written word.

*Punctuation
Here's a snippet I cut and pasted that need insertion of punctuation marks for clarity:
Getting into the nitty-gritty, speaking requires honesty; whereas, listening demands faithfulness.

*Dialogue
Not applicable in this exercise.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Like I said from the beginning, this is a great piece. It's a paradigm in building and rebuilding the oldest construction there ever existed since Adam and Eve.

Write away, ET.


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279
279
Review of dear me  
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Rated: ASR | (3.0)
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Hi, Lenny:

On behalf of our Newbies Power Reviewers Group Raid this month, I took the liberty to visit your port and picked this piece to read and review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

*Content
This is a good starting point for you, Lenny. You're talking to yourself and hearing your own voice as you're clicking the keyboard.

Reading your finished exercise aloud will help you find areas that need tweaking for readability and clarity.

*Paragraphing
My main recommendation for you, as a newbie, is to learn effective paragraphing.
Put an idea from the other in separate paragraphs. When using bullets or numbers, such as Firstly, Secondly, and Thirdly, they should be in their own paragraphs.

*Dialogue
You have great dialogues in this piece but they need to be set apart in order for them to stand out. Again, use separate paragraphs for each new idea or new topic of conversation. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and hooks him or her to the end.

Formatting
Use standard 12pt Times Roman or Arial for your font.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Now that you have a taste of your own writing, continue doing it. Read other's writings as well. You'll find satisfaction in knowing how far you have come along in your writing journey.

Write away!


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280
280
Review of Tourist Trade  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Huntersmoon:

I'm reading and reviewing your piece of work for I Write 2018.

Here are my observations for what it's worth.

*Content
Good opening scene. I cannot help but agonize once I got to the middle of the story, finding what Constantin's tourist guide job was all about.

So, here's my travail that you might like to hear:
Constantin, oh, Constantin! How did you ever end up a vampire after Vlad the Third, Prince of Wallachia yourself! Being a tourist guide in Romania has gotten to you. And now, you want to try it in the USA?

I don't like you Constantin. I hope you'll never make it to America.

Points to consider regarding
*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

-Good command of the written word
-I see no spelling errors
-Fragments aren't always wrong, but use them sparingly

*Dialogue
Great employment of monologue as the tour proceeded to its destination. Most importantly, Constantin's dialogue with Bethany showed your characters interacting with each other, which put action, and helped the story move along.

*Over-all take away
Great creativity,Huntersmoon, although grim and gore stories such as these are not my cup of tea.

*Disclaimer
This is one reader's point of view. As such, it may not agree or harmonize with other opinions. Take it with a grain of salt. Keep what is useful and discard the rest.


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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Girl with a Heartbeat:

** Image ID #1798477 Unavailable **

On behalf of WDC Power Reviewers December Raid, I have taken the opportunity to visit your port and picked this piece to review and offer you my input.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are color-coded green.

*Content
What a beautiful letter from a child of God who has wandered off in the journey of life, apart from her roots; yet, came back after all the wanderings to acknowledge her seemingly forsaken roots.

This is so poignant for God's children who have finally come to their senses. In time, we do find our way back home to the Father. The beauty in all of this is the fact that we can pour out all our sorrows, joys, misgivings, and whatever ills our hearts to him and he listens, ready to embrace us.

Thank you for sharing this nugget of wisdom and soul-searching. This is uplifting.

*Mechanics
*Syntax

Nice, simple words you used to convey your deepest thoughts and mutterings make it easy for the reader to follow.

*Punctuation
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

"The eyes are of the soul." my child.
[Notice where I move he punctuation marks in this corrected version:
"The eyes are of the soul, my child."]

That You would never forsake me or leave me.
[Consider using never-nor; either-or]
That You would never forsake me nor leave me.

No matter what[,] the love of a parent is an endless love and forgiving soul.[Insert comma]

most Awesomest Father [most awesome] most and awesomest are both superlative degrees. Use one or the other not both side by side.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is beautiful, Girl with a heartbeat. It's captivating and sobering to acknowledge that we do need to come back home and be reconciled to the family of faith.

Write away.


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282
282
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Jingle Bells Jeannie:

Shared image for members to use

On behalf of WDC Power Reviewers December Raid, I'm wandering around looking for some good stories to raid. And, your port is where I landed.

Because it's Christmas time, I find it fitting to read your Christmas Letter. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are color-coded green.

*Content
To be perfectly honest with you, I had difficulty grasping the intent of the letter because of its format. The narration is intruding on the flow of the letter. So, here is where I stumbled and other readers might stumble too. You might consider cleaning this up for readability and clarity.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted for you to take a second look and make modifications:

Mary picked up her pen— Thank you so much for the dinner invitation. You know how Great Aunt Martha enjoys making her squash pies for our family get-together on Christmas; well…

You need a clearer transition from the point where you stopped writing and going to a flashback. You might consider putting a period instead of a semi-colon after Christmas and start a new paragraph with your internal dialogue. (Well...)

That will give the reader a clue that you stopped writing because memories come back to you...

Unless your flashback is part of your entire letter, the reader will get confused in following the drift of your exposition.

The seeming confusion here also is this. Just as you were concluding your letter with,"With all this happening, I won’t be able to make the X-mas meal this year. I cannot attend without Great Aunt Martha, because it just wouldn’t be the same..." the phone rang with Dr. Jennings telling you Aunt Martha is alright.It seems as though you added a postscript to your letter, saying, “I just heard from Dr. Jennings, Great Aunt Martha is alright, and she’ll be released. Of course, she won’t be able to travel just yet, so please enjoy the party. We’ll be thinking of you. "Merry Christmas!"

I have read and reread your story to figure out what the real message is. And it's becoming clear to me now that you're account of Aunt Martha's odd fall is not a flashback. It is your explanation to Aunt Louise why you decided not to be there.

You might consider revising this to show the time frame in chronological order the events taking place between your writing the letter and the Aunt Martha's fall that prevented her from coming to the Christmas dinner. I stumble over the ambiguity in the way your presenting it.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other.
Dialogue always reveal characters and puts a zing to break the monotony of narration.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
All you need is a little revising to synchronize the story within a story in a clear and plain account of events as they occur.

Write away, Jingle Bells Jeannie. You have the knack. Go for the gusto!


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283
283
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Matt Bird MSci:

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On behalf of our November Power Reviewers Group Raid, I took the liberty to pick your piece of work, titled, Fantasy-Real World Magic, to read and review and to offer you my input.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I'm not into magical fantasies because I'm a realist. I write non-fiction. But for the Fiction writer, this is a very informative, educational, and helpful guide. Nevertheless, reading this helps me as well. It widens my vision and horizon to look outside of my box.

Great pointers, Matt. Thanks for sharing.

*Mechanics
I can see you're good at what you do. You have good command of the written language.

*Syntax
I did not see or read any words misused or inappropriately applied to cause me to pause or raise my brow.


*Spelling (Am I right to assume that you have a British background from the way you spell some words, such as this one below?) The second one may just be a typo.

favourite [favorite]

[dis regard] [disregard]


*Punctuation
The only area in your writing that got my attention is your tendency to use long sentences which requires commas in between so the reader can breathe. I have cut and pasted few snippets as examples of these sentences that could use commas here and there.

However[,] writing in a real world setting also has its flaws, the biggest one being that if you say, set it in Spain, it is vital to get the traditions and style of architecture right; if you don't then any readers who know about Spain will start picking apart you story and exposing its flaws. [Insert comma after However to enhance readability.]

If you have got the setting sorted for your magical fantasy [,] and you have decided to take the plunge[,] and set it in the real world[,] then[,] the next thing you need to consider are the characters.[My suggestions for comma use in this long sentence.]

In the fantasies that I set in the real world[,]I usually have it where a normal guy meets either a magical or super natural being [,] who looks like a human but act a bit 'differently'.

In The Lord of the Rings[,] the ring is the key to magical powers.[Insert comma]

In my attest comedy fantasy[,]the restriction is that when magic is done for fun your hair goes grey and if you do magic for non-fun purposes you need to urinate the excess magic. [Insert comma]

Finally, after you have everything clear in your mind.[This is a fragment. Cannot stand alone.]

Where [you][your?]magical fantasy takes place, what it looks like, what the traditions are, who are your characters, what is the normal guys response to the magical guy, how bad is your baddie, and is he magical too, what are the laws and regulations on magic and how are you magicians limited from wielding unlimited power?

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. Other reviewers may have a different take away. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Thank you for sharing. And thank you for allowing me to review this How-To piece for creative writers.


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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,brom21:

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May I take a look at this piece you have and see if I can offer some input from my review?

The title of your piece sounds intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Enchanting and entertaining story. As an impressionable child, I always enjoyed the stories of kings and kingdoms, of queens and her majesty, of princess and princesses of medieval times. So this story enthralled me and carried me away to far away lands and places that exists only in my imagination.

brom21, I must say, you have a knack for creativity. Your great and graphic descriptions helped me visualize the journey and events these four wizards experienced in searching for the dragons of Braun and their fearless leader. I was gripped with fear and antagonism when he finally appeared but was so relieved when in the end, he surrendered to the Wizard King.

Great story. I enjoyed it.

*Mechanics
You have an excellent command of the written language. I did not see too many violations to point out except for what I will show below.

*Syntax

“I would rather die[ then][than] submit to you!”
[Replace then with than]

*Punctuation

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

A slight sulfuric essence carried in the stagnant air and a green mist began [to]creep through the trees like writhing snakes. [Insert preposition]

Suddenly[,]a loud roar thronged through the stillness that seemed to come from every direction. [Insert comma]

[body like] [body-like] [Compound word - must be hyphenated]

“Dot worry,” said. “Only we four can see the light. Any dragons are blinded to it.” [Something is missing here and I cannot figure it out.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Additionally, it looks like you have mastery in the use of dialogue tags, especially in putting the punctuation marks where they belong. This enhances readability and clarity. Immensely helps the reader to remain glued to your story.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends (which are not too many in this piece) relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. Other reviewers may find something that I have not touched at all. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great work, brom21. Write away! You're good for it.


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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Tina:

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On behalf of our November Power Reviewers Group Raid, I have taken the liberty to choose this piece you have written to read and review and offer you my input.

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
A heartbreak such as this is difficult to overcome. I give Vera credit for her emotional, psychological, and spiritual strength to survive the ordeal. I am so pleased to see her thrive despite the agony of rejection at the altar. Not too many individuals can make it whole. She's one strong-willed woman worthy of praise.

*Mechanics
You have a good command of the written language. Except for minor infractions that can be easily fixed, such as what I'm going to demonstrate below.

*Syntax
I did not see or read words misused or or inappropriately applied. Nothing stood up to cause me to pause or raise an eyebrow.

*Punctuation Marks
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tightening for readability and clarity:

Sitting in the coffee shop[,] watching the passing traffic[,] it occurred to her for not the first time that day that it was Valentine's Day and she was alone.[Insert comma as shown inside bracket.]

Story of her life.[Fragment. Avoid like a plague.]

"I've thought about trying to get in touch with you so many times [int he] last 15 years." [Minor typo: in the]

*Spelling
The reason he left her at the [alter]? [altar]
You [disapeared][disappeared] for a few years but I never gave up hope[".]

*Point of View (POV)
He came after [me.] He grabbed [her] shoulder and spun [her] around. With one hand he fished in his jacket pocket and produced a wallet. He flicked his wrist and showed [her] a badge and credentials. All the information was there. It looked real to [her] and that made [her] even more angry. His story might be true and if that was the case [she] couldn't really blame him, could [she]?

The above paragraph shows a change of POV. Stick with one POV. Do not change it midway. I noticed that you did start with a third person narration. In that case, the change of POV here should remain in the third person narration. Perhaps the best way to tweak this is to delete the first sentence. It would come out this way:

He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. With one hand he fished in his jacket pocket and produced a wallet. He flicked his wrist and showed her a badge and credentials. All the information was there. It looked real to her and that made her even more angry. His story might be true and if that was the case she couldn't really blame him, could she?

6 week [ 6-week ]

*Closing Quotation Marks

In this snippet, notice that your closing quotation mark is inside the terminating period.

"You [disapeared] for a few years but I never gave up hope[".]

According to Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, and I quote: "Typographical convention in the United States requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word."

In effect, the correct version would look like this:
"You disappeared for a few years but I never gave up hope."

Every time I left. [This is a fragment but because it is inside a direct quote, I would not change it.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and gives life to the story.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like how your story ended. There was forgiveness and a happy reconciliation. Great climax.

Write away, Tina. You got the knack.


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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Yesmrbill:

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On behalf of our November Power Reviewers Raid, I took the liberty visiting your port to pick on this piece to read, review and offer you an input on my take away from it.

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
You are such a caring uncle, Uncle Bill. Wish I had an uncle like you when I was growing up.

The way you carry yourself must exude friendliness and camaraderie as evidenced by the reaction of total strangers who were drawn close to you after a minute or two of interaction. That speaks volumes on your personality.

As far as the timing of giving gifts to your grand-nieces, it was the opportune time for you to present them because you do not live close to them. Circumstances do play a role in our actions and motivations such as your relationship with your niece and her children.


*Mechanics
You have a good command of the written language. You express yourself well and clear.

*Syntax
I did not see or read any misplaced or misused word to cause my critical mind to pause or for my eyebrows to raise.

*Punctuation

When it comes to this area in writing, I did notice some minor offenses that may need your second look. Here are some snippets I cut and pasted for your scrutiny:

[brother in law ][ brother-in-law ]

While I'd received birthday cards and gifts from them, it was also time for me to present[,] what were originally intended to be Christmas gifts, to my grand nieces.[Delete the comma I put in brackets.]

Closing Quotation Marks
They were Walt Disney's "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" for the older girl, and "Mickey Mouse Around the World[",] for the younger one.

In the above snippet, I noticed that you put the comma after the close quotation mark. Let me tell you what The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference says about this, and I quote: "Typographical convention in the United States requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word." Then it added, "This convention, however, is widely violated."

In effect, the corrected version would look like this:

They were Walt Disney's "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" for the older girl, and "Mickey Mouse Around the World[,"] for the younger one.

I just thought you might be interested to know this nuance and you can apply it accordingly because I noticed a second example towards the end of the story. Here it is:
I'd got the younger girl a DVD for a kids' TV show called "Dora the Explorer".

Corrected version:
[I'd got the younger girl a DVD for a kids' TV show called "Dora the Explorer."]


They were all very pleased with what they'd received [Terminal period missing in this sentence.]

4 year old [ 4-year-old ]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put a sparkle and life into your story and makes the reader identify with your characters.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great work, Uncle Bill. Write away! Who knows, one day, we will find a story with your By-Line in print!


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Review of AWAKE  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, It begins!:
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Here we are again, doing our good deed for the November Power Reviewers Group Raid.

It looks like you've been around for quite a while, although, this is the first time I bumped into your port. Be that as it may, I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.

*Content
This is a beautiful description of how family and friends celebrate the end of life of a beloved at the mortuary or chapel where the memorial service is being held for the departed.

You have captured the ambiance of the atmosphere.

*Mechanics
You have a knack for employing descriptive words that captures the aura of death and dying, as well as, the vibrations of life and living.

I am mesmerized by the beauty of how well you organized your thoughts to encapsulate this flitting yet captivating image.

*Syntax
I see or read nothing that caught my critical brain to pause or raise my brow.

*Punctuation
I looked before and after and found nothing that stuck out to call my attention to.

*Dialogue
I'm a stickler for employing dialogue but I don't see the necessity to apply it in this prose.

*Disclaimer
These are my personal observations. As such, these are from one reader's point of view. Other reviewers may have a different take away and that remains for you to see.

*Over-all take away
Very impressive. I like it.

Write away. You're good for it.


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Review of Silent Film  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Jennifer:

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On behalf of our November Power Reviewers Group Raid, I have taken the liberty to pick on your submission to read and review. I see this is your first submission to Writing.Com. Let me welcome you to the world of wanna-be writers, Jennifer.

I found the title of your piece intriguing in as much as silent films are things of the past. I couldn't resist reading it in order to explore what you have to say about it.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Formatting*
Because this is your first submission, let me share something about how readers react to our manuscripts. They tune out when our work is cluttered. They'll quickly move on to find something else to read. In order to keep our reader's interest, we need to observe standard formatting. This means that there should be a space in between paragraphs. The only time we double-space between paragraphs is if there is a long gap that transpired from the last paragraph to the next.

*Content
I take it this is a story you created from your creative imagination, right? I sure hope so because if this is a true account, I would be horrified stiff.

What I'm impressed with in this work is your demonstration of how descriptive you are. I, as a reader. can visualize the scene from your graphic descriptions.

I do have to mention that when the story started, I wondered who the narrator was. I couldn't ascertain whether a male or a female was talking. The conversational style made me think that it could be a woman. I only found out at the end that the narrator was indeed a woman.

*Mechanics
You have a good mastery of the written language. Your story is moving steadily towards the climax skillfully.

*Syntax
I did not find any choice of words that made me pause or made me raise my brow. You have chosen the right words to describe and assert a point.

*Punctuation
Here is a snippet I cut and pasted that need tightening:

Come in and witness a long-gone, black-and-white era,; soundless and distant, but glowing in its timelessness.

You might consider deleting the comma and semi-colon and replace them with a colon as shown in this corrected version:
[Come in and witness a long-gone, black-and-white era: soundless and distant, but glowing in its timelessness.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues make your story pop and sparkle and keeps the readers engaged in the story.

I do have to point out, as well, that dialogues must be properly formatted for clarity. When they are jumbled together, the reader gets confused and may lost interest all together.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good work. Jennifer. Write away! You're good for it.


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Connieann:

review image on share

On behalf of the November Power Reviewers Raid, I consider myself free and welcomed to visit your port, searching for manuscripts to read and review. I hope doing so is not an intrusion.

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content

Teens playing prank on each other is really rampant in school. Seems to be the game they all play. Such is your story a good example of it.

*Mechanics
You have a good command of the written language. The story moves smooth and natural.

*Syntax
This sentence I cut and pasted gave me a little pause, though, because of the preposition used. I was wondering if "of the jeans" should be replaced with "on the jeans?" Just a thought.

It crawled down his fingers and into the fabric of the jeans he was still clutching. [Replace with on]

It crawled down his fingers and into the fabric on the jeans he was still clutching.

*Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks
Here is another snippet I cut and pasted that may need your second look:

Now they would be sitting at home watching reruns while everyone else was riding the "bullet". [ Now they would be sitting at home watching reruns while everyone else was riding the "bullet." ]

According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference: "Typographical convention in the United States requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word." Although, it adds that, "This convention is widely violated."

In the following snippet, adding a comma where I placed it, would give clarity to the sentence.

Getting his breath back[,]he shook the jeans until the grasshopper jumped off and ran away to find his next plant to eat.[Insert comma]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Makes the reader participate in the interaction. Makes your story sparkle and pop.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great work, Connieann. Write away. You got the flare!


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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Izzy:

** Image ID #2111179 Unavailable **
Glad to bump into you with this story I found from Random Review to work on. It's been a long time since we bumped into each other. I'm so tickled that you story will be the last one I'll work on tonight before the clock strikes midnight.*Smile*

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit this bitter-sweet, heartwarming story for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Looks like you were three years old when brother Nicklas left for America. And in a year's time, tragedy happened in the family. How much older was Nicky from you? I can see the unconditional love your two brothers have for you, Izzy. What a blessed sister you are. They took over the responsibility of caring for you when your mom and dad passed away untimely. What tragedy.

But, thank the Lord, your brothers were there to cuddle you and comfort you.


*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

You have come a long way since the time we first met. Your work has shown much improvement. I'm so proud of the progress you have made.

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

“Why do you have to leave Nicky? Why[,][?]” a tearful Izzy asked him.
[Replace comma with question mark.]

“I’m going to play hockey in America[,]love.
[Insert comma.]

There are a few of these dialogues that need commas as the above example I cited. Check them out and make your insertions.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. These give life to your story. Nice work, Izzy.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Like I say, you have come a long, long way. I'm so pleased with the progress you're making.

Write away. You're good for it.


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Review of A Terrifying Life  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Connieann:

** Image ID #2111179 Unavailable **
It's June Reviewer's Raid Party and I'm here to contribute action and fun by visiting ports and offering my input.

I happen to light your port and the title of your piece aroused my curiousity. I couldn't resist reading it.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit this story for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
The poor cat had been hanging up there for four nights terrified of the big black dog down below. My heart tells me to help her out of her misery and get her down. Just like what the little lady tried to do.

The description of the ordeal the cat went through seems so real and credible. That makes it touching to the reader. The only problem I see is that you described her as a wild, undomesticated cat. She might not react positively to the help extended to her from anyone.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

You demonstrated a good command of the written word. That gives you a good start.

*Spelling
[mew][meow]

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

Hesitantly[,][Insert comma] I start to back down the tree.

Dazed and sucking in air[,][Insert comma] I fall into some kind of soft, leafy plant.

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Dialogues give life to the narrative, making them pop, sparkle, and hum.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Great job in demonstrating how the cat acts and reacts if she were a human being. They do have feelings and emotions resembling humans but for the inability to express them in words.

Write away, Connieann. You have the knack. Hone it. You're not too far behind from an editor's desk.


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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Jeannie:

** Image ID #2111179 Unavailable **

It's June Review Raid Party and I'm here to contribute a little action and fun.

Indeed, I found the title of your piece interesting. I had to satisfy my curiosity by giving it a read. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

You've demonstrated a good command of the written word. I am pleased to say that you've done your homework before submitting this exercise. But because I'm a nitpicker, allow me to nitpick on the preceding sentences to make this review worthwhile.*Smile*

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that might need tweaking for clarity:

Switch in Point Of View (POV): You started in the first person. Stick with it.

Venturing up into the LaSalle Mountains nearby became memorable for me.

This is the advantage you have when going off-road. However, it does have its dangers that you have to be aware of when venturing into territory no one actually frequents.

I continued snapping [picture][pictures] of the scenery.[Agreement of subject and predicate.]

Marvin is a gold prospector[,] so[,] he panned or dredged for gold while our [son's,][sons] Daniel and Kevin, helped with moving the heavy equipment.

[First, let me say that you have done an excellent job in satisfying the requirement to use commas in this assignment. The above sentence I cut and pasted is probably the only sentence where I would recommend inserting commas in between "so" for emphasis and clarity. Second, "sons" is plural as applied in this sentence. It's not possessive. Therefore, there should be no apostrophe to insert.]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show action as you reacted to the sudden appearance of that intimidating bear. Dialogues make your story come alive.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great job, Jeannie. Write away. You're on your way.


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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, drboris:

** Image ID #2111179 Unavailable **

On behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Group, I'm looking around, visiting ports to see what I can read and review for our June Raid.

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded to make them stand out.

*Content

A serial killer and a cannibal, to boot? How horrific! Let me be blunt. The theme of the story which shows as the title does not quite convince me that it justifies making it the onus where a story can be built. You might consider making it realistic and believable.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation goes:

You have a good command of the written word.

The opening scene started as an ordinary kitchen where someone is cooking (it appears to me that he was broiling) some kind of meat,with his mouth watering for a first bite.

How you described the scenarios following made my stomach churn. You were able to build up the horror of this man's proclivity for the kind of meat he savors that I was ready to throw up.

At any rate, the only area where the reader might not completely embrace your narrative is when, the Police barged in, handcuffed him and announced, "You are what you eat." It sounds like a big joke to me.

That scenario is not quite credible and the reader may feel cheated by that lighthearted account.

You might have to revise this part of the story to show an arrest that is serious and real to the reader.

*Spelling
[bug eyed][bug-eyed]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your character interacting with himself and later on with the arresting Police Officers.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics and content of your writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
The elements of a short story were satisfied in this exercise.It just needs a more serious tone instead of a big joke, as if the Arresting Office was just clowning around.

At any rate, write away, drboris. You have the knack in creative writing. Pursue it.

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Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #2116758 Unavailable **

Hi, Ironworker:

I find the title of your piece captivating. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
The narrative is difficult to follow because of pesky mechanical violations in grammar rules. This could be improved if one pays close attention to the knots and bolts of grammar. I recommend revisiting and revising this piece, cleaning up those corrections I suggested. And if I may say so, what other reviewers have suggested.

*Mechanics
*Syntax

Needs improvement in these areas.

As I looked around. [This is a fragment. Revise.]

I’ve been removed from my life and [place][placed] in a prison I could never escape.

*Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks
Typographical convention in the United States requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word.

“Where are we?”, I asked. [“Where are we?," I asked.]

*Spelling
[louse][lousy]

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

When I awoke and rolled over in [the] bed, I was just a bit confused.[Delete the article]

My GOD, I thought, did I go to a party or clubbing[.][Delete period and replace with question mark.]

There on a clock saying it was [7 AM.][7 A.M.]

I must have [over done][overdone] it last night.

I was still a bit groggy and coddled the conclusion that [the women the night was spent with][the women I spent the night with] [was][were] cooking for me.

I started to check myself when[,] [A] voice called up the stairs, [Delete comma and put A in lower case.]

What?[,] Where?[,] How [,] the hell? I’d never heard the voice before, [But], he knew me? How did he know me? [Remove the unnecessary commas as I indicated and put the first letter in but in lower case.

What the..? [If you're using ellipsis, there should be three dots not two. Always.]

I looked for the mirror to see[, her, wide eyed,] open mouthed her staring back at me.[Delete the commas and hyphenate wide-eyed]

[I looked for the mirror to see her wide-eyed, with open mouth staring back at me.]

[my self][myself]

I work the [a] rig in St Louis,[Delete the article]

I’ve always been a guy[,][.] I took a deep breath, opened my eyes[,][.] She stood there shocked. [Delete commas and replace with periods.

Leading me down the stairs and to the living room [.]I shouted,
“How could you do this to me? And stop calling me Julie”, I started crying.

[Need revision. The first sentence is a fragment. Consider this suggestion:

Leading me down the stairs and to the living room, I shouted,
“How could you do this to me? And stop calling me Julie," as I started crying.]


*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. They also make your story sparkle with action and emotion.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Good start. Keep writing and reading. It's a long road but you'll get there with persistence and determination.

Write away, Ironworker. You're good for it.

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Review of There Is No God  
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Hi, Grum in peace and friendship:

I find the title of your piece not surprising but intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Well put narrative with references from great philosophers and thinkers of our time and before. Although you and I are in opposite poles in this subject matter, I respect your point of view to the truest sense of the word. That being said, I invite you to open your Bible (I see you're using it)and flip the pages to the Book of Apostle John, Chapters 1 and 2. Then compare what you learn from these chapters with Genesis Chapter 1. I hope you'll find something that will give you an AHA! moment with your reading.

*Mechanics
*Syntax

You have a good command of the written word. Some areas need tightening and tweaking as I shall point out below.

*Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks


I noticed your use of closing quotation marks inside the terminal period all throughout this narrative. According to the Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, page 261,

Typographical convention in the United States requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word.

I also found your use of ellipsis after the period with a space preceding the three dots. Again, according to the Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, pages 268-269,

Ellipsis: Composed of a trio of spaced periods. they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not completed the quoted matter and to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the dialogue. The only time there is a fourth period with an ellipsis is when the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

*Spelling
[judgement][judgment]

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

I can't disagree, although I do feel a little sad if n years of experience need to disappear down the gurgler of time. [This sentence is kind of awkward. Needs tweaking for clarity.]

Could it be better this way?

I can't disagree, although, I do feel a little sad if in years of experience I need to disappear down the gurgler of time.

“faith is the evidence of things unseen.”
For accuracy, the scriptural quotation is:
"Faith is the substance of things hope for, the evidence of things not seen."

But to my mind, this is [a] nonsense. [Delete the article.]

Firstly, God exists in human form, as humans are believed to exist in the form of God.

Yes. The Bible teaches that God exists in human form, in the person of Jesus Christ. I cannot give you a thorough unlocking of the evidence the Bible speaks of, but let me give you the following Bible references to read and mull over:

John 1:1-14
1,2 - In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God.
3,4,5 - All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
6,7,8 - There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness, to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to bear witness about the light.
9,10,11,12,13 - The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh not of the will of man, but of God.
14 - And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seem his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.
15 - John bore witness about him, and cried out, "This was he of whom I said, "He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me."
16 - And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.
17 - For the law was given to Moses,grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
18 - No one has ever seen God; the only God, who is at the Father's side, he has made him known.

Also read the whole chapter of John 3: It's the conversation between Nicodemus and Jesus. Jesus Christ himself claimed to come down from heaven.
13,14,15: No man has ascended into heaven except he who descended from heaven, the Son of man. And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in him may have eternal life.

Reverting briefly to the God issue, the so-called paramountcy of the Christian God, [Did you mean paramount cry?]

I’d also like to say a few words on the subject of “me”. Not for any particularly conceited reason, but because it directly affects my view of death and, as such, of religion. In fact, I shall not die for there is no “me” to pass on. [ As an opener worth pondering about, let me just say that there are two aspects of death: physical death and spiritual death. But, this is another subject worth presenting for another time.]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away You presented good arguments as a denier of the existence of God. In fact, there are more to it than what meets the eye. Maintain focus on a particular subject instead of rambling them all together. Your reader can only digest so much and then, you'll lose their interest.

That being said, keep writing. And stay focused.


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Review of Fluffy Bunny  
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #2116758 Unavailable **


Hi, Eduardo:

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content

Great creativity with tension and suspense. It can keep the reader on the edge of his seat.

*Mechanics
Good command of English. You just need to work on punctuation marks and tenses as I'll show below.

*Syntax
Needs to pay attention to nuances of the written word such as using hyphens for compound words.

break up [break-up]

[double standard] [double-standard]

*Punctuation
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

...it was a prestigious magazine [alone][along] the lines of Time.

Of course [,] it would also bring down the Presidency and create a huge scandal across the nation.[Insert comma]

While he was on the phone [,] he opened his office window and beckoned me to climb out of it.[Insert comma]


ok [okay]

It appeared as [though] [that] I was in the clear. [transpose to the end of the sentence.]
[It appeared that I was in the clear though.]or/alternatively, [It appeared as though I was in the clear.]

The silence was a strange comfort to me, normally it would have been off putting but today it meant that nobody was trying to kill me.[Make two sentences instead of using a comma.]

[The silence was a strange comfort to me. Normally, it would have been [off putting] but today it meant that nobody was trying to kill me.[I'm not sure what off putting means in the context.]


"I did a thorough check and so did my editor[,][.]" My stomach was in knots, the gun had burned an impression into my brain.[Delete comma. Replace with a period.]

Hell[,][Insert comma]it already is, people want to know more about you.

He was confident that there would be no [fall out][fallout] from this story...[fallout is one word in the context of this sentence.]

themself [themselves -plural; or himself -singular]

[double checked] [double-checked][compound word is hyphenated]

The thugs picked up the remote and zapped on the TV.

Once The Thug left, I ran to the bathroom and relieved my bladder.

[From these two separate sentences in different paragraphs, I find it curious to find out which one is right: "thugs" or "thug" After rereading, it seem to me to be a single thug. Does that make sense?

He put the gun [was][delete] back in his mouth and he pulled the trigger.

It turns out that there was someone out there who wanted your husband to lose the election and apparently they [also] wanted John Walters out of the race [too]. [Use one or the other. Don't put also and too in the same sentence. It's redundant.]

Jason's words about being in financial trouble started echoing in my head as did the [Goon's who was] in my apartment.

Jason's words about being in financial trouble started echoing in my head as did the [Goons who were] in my apartment.

When it turned into the room, I [seen][saw] the gun being shoved into the pocket, there was a long silver piece at the end of it.

He was the dumbass who [was losing][lost] the election to that fool Robins. [Replace]

There was no reason on [God's green Earth] that I should have to say this more than once in my lifetime.[Try to minimize using cliches.]


*Dialogue
Great employment of dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues demonstrate conflict, tension, action that makes the reader turn the page.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Good writing exercise. Keep up the good work.


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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, Pure SciFi:


A clover image for the Power Group to use*Shamrock*

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Your constant use of the uppercase in some words are unnecessary and distracting.

*Mechanics
*Syntax

You have a good command of the written word. A little cleaning up will do wonders to make your story sparkle and hum.

*Punctuation
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

A new year starts in [a] only a few hours, and I still don't know what I am going to do. [Delete the article "a" in the sub-title.]

A swift turn and a single shot to his head killed a male with a weapon [with][delete] partially hidden behind a desk.

“Another one of [Them] is gone." [Why is them in the upper case?]

but there [was][were] two more he killed with a single shot to the head.[Replace with plural form for agreement of subject and verb use.]

...but there [was][were][Replace with plural form for agreement of subject and verb use.] three more of them for Jaim to kill.

Toin, a friend of Jaim’s, asked [.][Add missing terminating period.]

“How long have you been [Involved][involved] with her this time?” [Is the use of uppercase here a typo or intentional, as the following sentence shows the same way?]

“I think you handled [youself][yourself] very well during that last Search Challenge,” said Ghan. [I think I'll let you get away with this because this is a dialogue.]

“It’s yes because I do want to [over][offer?] you a job as a Fighter,

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other.
This helps your story move.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away I noticed too many sideshow characters in one short story to follow. The average reader will have difficulty pinning down who is who when its clogged with one too many characters imposing themselves in the act.

At any rate, keep writing. Also, read more stories in your genre. Exposure to work of published authors will help you hone your own writing skills.


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Review of Come Back Mommy  
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Jaylin:

A clover image for the Power Group to use *Shamrock*
Because it's WDC Power Reviewers' March Raid, QueenOwl is here, raiding your port, looking for something to munch and crunch!*Owl1* *Smile*

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation


You have a good command of the written word. I'm impressed at how well your formatting, organization and style show proper application of standard rules in writing.

*Dialogue
Good employment of internal dialogue showing your character struggling to make sense of the situation she was in. Dialogue interacting with each other also help the story move along.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away The tension the six-year-old agonized in a dark room/house all alone is frightening. But for the grace of God, she mustered all the courage to survive two days of utter darkness, hunger and fright. I can just imagine how a six-year-old would react to this situation, with the added incessant pounding on the wall. That's enough to render her totally terrified.

What a relief to see her come out alive, running into the arms of her mom and dad.

Great demonstration of family drama and survival. Poignant. Keep writing, Jaylin. You have what it takes to put your talent as a wordsmith into print.


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299
Review of Storm Clouds  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, meduf:


A clover image for the Power Group to use *Shamrock*

Because it's WDC Power Reviewers' March Raid, QueenOwl is here, visiting ports, looking for something to crunch and munch. *Smile* *Owl1*

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Actually, I found one word to pick on. In fact, reading this piece, added "bimini" to my vocabulary today. I had to look that word up, not knowing what it meant. Thanks for educating me. It just strike me as odd how you applied that word to your sentence. I found Bimini Islands not bimini itself. If Bimini Islands is a group of small islands in the West Bahamas, I surmise a bimini is an isle or island?

"The rain started falling heavily, beating down on the boat and stinging my skin as it found its way past the bimini that covered the cockpit."
My question is: How did the bimini cover the cockpit?

*Content

I can picture the ordeal you went through. What a frightening experience. But as you said in the end, this is what you go through as an owner of a catamaran, practically floating, ordinarily fighting tempestuous seas as a lifestyle.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation


You have a good command of the written word. This work is almost flawless. I say "almost" because of what I already pointed out.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Tension you created moved the story to its peak. What a relief to know you survived another horrifying stormy day.

Write away, meduf. You have talent. You got what it takes to be published.


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Review of Snowpaws Story  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, Cloud:

** Image ID #2030640 Unavailable ** *Shamrock*

Because it's Power Reviewers March Raid, I'm here to raid your port and offer you my take away on your submission.


I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content

First off, if the title of your story is about Snowpaw telling his story, then, show it in the possessive case, Snowpaw's Story.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation


Your command of the written word is good. I just need to point out that you do need to pay attention to the use of punctuation marks to avoid run-on sentences and keep your reader interested.

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need minor fixes and tweaking for clarity:

"I heard the soothing voice of my mentor, Riverstream [,] calling from the clearing," [Insert comma]

"Redclaw laughed, "lets get going," we traveled to Riverclans border. "

Corrected:[ Redclaw laughed, "Lets get going" as we proceeded to Riverclans border.] [Always start the beginning letter of a dialogue in uppercase.]

Soon [,] night came. [Insert comma]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away You have talent, Cloud. Keep writing. Hope to see more of it now that you have launch your writing endeavor.


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