This was a fun read. You tell quite a humorous story here. You did well keeping the reader's interest through to the end. This is a nice piece of writing!
A few minor items:
[”] (")C’mon(,) boys, let’s see
in the red(,) shiny(,) basketball shorts
his sweat(-)soaked shirt.
the “Weight Loss Camp 100(-)Yard Dash” sat down and devoured all his powdered(,) sugar(-)coated doughnut winnings.
According to your own instructions: "...the ending stanza then repeats the second and fourth lines of the previous stanza (as its first and third lines), ..."
Singular as snowflakes
Delicate rainbows
Swift as heartbreaks
Hiding in lightning shadows
Subtle as rainbows >>>> This is NOT a repeat of the second line of the previous stanza.
Other than this one seeming deviation from the formula, this appears to be a good pantoum.
Even though this is quite long, it is an enjoyable read because it flows so well and tells a compelling story. I much enjoyed the read. This is excellent writing. Although many readers do not appreciate long poems, I do!
I do have a few suggestions for you to consider:
Rather than begin each line with a capitalized word, if you only capitalized the start of a new sentence, it would aid in the reading. Also, correct punctuation is needed. For instance, these lines:
What strange stories we can tell
deep within each of our cultures --
where we beg God come and dwell.
It happened on a star-lit night.
I found a most amazing sight.
Be consistent with verb tense. You switched from past to present tense in these lines:
My excitement [can’t](couldn't) be quelled.
For I believe(d) I found a map
That show(ed)[s] where Ancients dwelled…
My job [is](was) selling ancient maps
[Am](Was) I to dare presume?
Nest to last line: tinker's dam[n]:
A tinker's dam is a small amount of some kind of paste that the tinker places around the hole or crack in the pewter. The dam serves to keep the solder in one place until the solder can fill the hole or crack. After the operation, the dam useless and is thrown away.
This is a wonderful piece of writing. Very enjoyable. If cleaned up just a bit, it would be perfection.
This is a rather cute story about a mother's shock at her youngest child leaving home, causing an empty nest sooner than she had expected. Not to mention the reason she left...
I enjoyed the read muchly. I did find a few items for your consideration:
In the summary: when [i](I) needed her most!
“Mom! I joined the Navy today!!! I leave in six weeks!” >>> Too many exclamation marks.
“You what?” My baby in the [n](N)avy? Boot camp? She can’t keep her room clean! She doesn’t do orders well. She hates to exercise! Oh dear. >>>> Too many exclamation marks.
“I’m going to be a journalist in the Navy! >>>> This is the eighth exclamation marks within the first three paragraphs.
It will be ok(ay). You’ll be okay. >>> Be consistent.
flurry of last(-)minute packing/
with empty(-)nest tears,
I was not looking for a pet[,](and) certainly not a dog(,) as me and housebreaking a dog
too cute to resist(,) and my income
wanted a Bichon(,) and it was the one(-)year anniversary of her death. I came home with an eight(-) week(-) old Bichon, a crate,
This poem addresses the love of a couple for each other. It struck me as strange that in the first stanza he gives her a diamond ring and she falls in love with him in the second stanza.
The grammar/punctuation needs checking. For instance:
Then(,) when I fell in love with you,
Your response was starkly daring(.)
You hugged me that day so lovingly[,](.)
Your kiss was so unsparing(.)
Having all lines 2 and 4 end with -ing words makes for some weak rhymes.
Overall, this reads well enough to be an enjoyable poem.
Excellent shaped poem. It must have been hard to get the letters/words aligned correctly to make the front of a church. I'm impressed!
You might want to refer more directly to the church bombing itself in the summary. I, for one, am not familiar with "The Watsons Go to Birmingham-1963". Others probably won't be either.
I like the message here, and the way you delivered it. Nicely done!
I liked the repeat of "as I often do," as the second line in the first three stanzas. The build up for the message delivery in stanza four
worked well. Good job...
This poem is soft and gentle and reflective. The switching between 2-line and 3-line stanzas seemingly at random was a tad offputting. Otherwise, this is nicely written.
Song writing (and song reviewing) lies outside my expertise. I'll just say I liked this effort, and it must be good as far as songs go since it won a prize in the contest. So, keep up the song writing!
This is a highly emotional subject that must be difficult to write about. You handle it well here. I have a few minor technical items for you to consider:
when the police were involved[, a](. A)ll the abuses were
do completely[, a](. As time goes by and you've become a hermit(,) the memories
They say that " time heals all wounds "(.)[..... but] I say with time, it becomes
will cause these memories to resurface [themselves].
You obviously are a cat lover. This is a wonderful tribute to Princess. May you have her a long, long time.
Here are a few points for your consideration:
at a pet store, a four(-)week(-)old kitten, for [ten](a) whopping (ten) dollars!
and at the temple like a widow’s peak, ??? Confusing. Maybe "and white at the temples..." or whatever is the correct color of her temples.
and a raccoon tail. Very beautiful markings. Maybe make into same sentence:
and a raccoon tail(-- v)[. V]ery beautiful markings.
for many camera shots(,) and they always are
for her head[, ] (;)she peeped out
as a young(,) growing cat.
He gives her Friskies tartar control treats >>>>> Who is "He"?
have improved. (She g)[G]oes in her litter,
But look out when she is about to get a shot(. H)[, h]er body shakes(,)[ and] her ears primp up, she hisses(,) and (she) is ready to say goodbye immediately. To vets(,) of course, this is normal for a growing cat.
a large(,) plastic mug
her pink(,) wet nose.
It takes her into >>>> What is 'It'?
Brought to North America, European settlers came here with cats. >>>> Sounds like European settlers were brought to North America. You mean cats were brought here by European settlers.
Overall, this story appears to be nicely told. However, it doesn't hold up to examination after one learns the ending. That is, the statements made are not logical for what she would actually be thinking. For example: They shouldn’t be accepting guests here if a crime had been committed. >>>> She knew no crime had been committed.
“Was there a murder here?” I asked quite shaken. >>>> Why would she be "quite shaken" when she knew exactly what was going on? She might be acting and appear to be "quite shaken". In retrospect, it appears these lines were written to fool the reader but are not an honest representation of what she would be feeling and thinking under the circumstances.
I also have a few other suggestions for your consideration:
with blood on them,” the detective said[. ](,)“[A](a)nd don’t let anyone
seemed to be friendly here[. S](, s)o unusual for a Florida
“Ma'am," the detective yelled[. "P](, "p)lease[,] stay away from
“Sorry,” I said[,](.) “Was there a problem?
“Nothing to worry,[ M](m)iss,” the groundskeeper said.
“No, [M](m)iss. Nothing’s missing
“Well, [M](m)iss[. T](, t)hat nothing is something.”
the detective said[. ](,)“I need you
buy out Pilgrim’s Inn(,) and he set you
a cow(,)and the maid said she
“Now I know what it is[,](.)” The detective reached
You are a good writer, but I feel you might could rework this story a bit.
These seem like wise words to this parent/grandparent. As long as a child knows his parents will always love and support him unconditionally, things usually have a way of working out okay...even when he/she pulls the stupidiest stunt on earth.
This piece is well-written, I found no errors (a real rarity for me).
This dream should help you handle your emotions from the death of your father and provide you with some comfort thinking your parents are now together and happy. It is filled with personal memories and feelings. As such, it belongs to you.
I did have somne suggestions for improving the technical aspects of the writing:
If he hadn't [of] died,
house[, i](. I)t is the house I grew up in, the house
I broke my collar bone[, ](;)thankfully that was all.
a [3](three-)bedroom(,) ranch house with [3](three) full bathrooms. >>>> Write out small numbers.
step into the 4 season 'porch' >>>> 'four-season porch'
used to get along(,) but(,) when he built this room, the animosity
game is flahsing on the television >>>> flashing
or [feel] (make) me (feel) better on days when I am missing him and [m](M)om.
sense of humor[,](.) I look like his paternal
"[h](H)i, Dad(,)"
work shirts there were stained yellow ?? >>> shirts. They were OR work shirts that were ??
gleaming with tears[, ](;)he is hurting[,](;) he is regretful[, ](;)he looks old
Line 1...one word
Line 2...two words
Line 3...three words
Line 4...4 words
Line 5... one word
Line 1 is a noun
Line 2 is two adjectives describing the title
Line 3 is three verbs/actions related to the title
Line 4 is a complete sentence of four words that describe a feeling about the title
Line 5 is one word referring back to the title
Your poem meets all the specified requirements. Indeed, it is very much like the Cats example provided with the directions. Your poem does capture the essence of cats well.
This poem captures the many sides of music and what it can represent in people's lives to heal and soothe them and bring them joy and peace. It is a lovely piece.
Just a couple of suggestions:
I am the tires squeaking,ambulance (siren) screaming. ??
One day I will sound the trump as Angels escort Jesus >>>>> trump OR trumpet ??
This poem evokes great images. It has a lovely feel to it.
– ethereal flakes descending ever so slowly to greet me[.](,)
[A](a) hint of sound as their tiny bodies reach the earth.
>>>> My, you have great hearing!
>>>> The last line is not a complete sentence; so use comma and no capitalization.
I close my eyes and fall asleep[.](,)
[M](m)y lover’s kisses on my cheek.
>>>>> Same comment as stanza above.
>>>>> Falling asleep in the cold and snow might be dangerous!
This is simply wonderful writing! It completely captures the reader and carries him along with your story. The flow is great. The story is entertaining. Of course, you must finish it! I enjoyed it immensely.
I have only a few minor items for your consideration:
“Yes(,)Lisette, it’s me, but
“Avast(,) ye currs!
barrel of ale[,](;) I’ve matters of importance
red(-)haired woman elbowed
“Unhand me this instant(,) kind sir,”
The half(-)wit drunkard
hat on her door[,] and locked it behind them.
equality of every man(,) and this belief had led him
This poem is poignant in its message of feeling sorry and a bit guilty about not giving someone another chance and their ending their life. A word of advice to the person doing the wondering: You cannot be responsible for the actions of the other person. No need to have any guilty feelings, just sorrow over his actions.
The punctuation is amiss in several places in this poem:
I didn't have the energy[,] [ ] = delete
So I said no[, ] and shut the door,
I wasn't there to stop you[,]
The bullets spun in the chamber(,) ( ) = insert
and(,) this time, one had your name on it.
Other than these minor commas changes, I have no suggestion to improve the poem. It is quite good as written.
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