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Review of The Break Up  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for The Break Up:

*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A rough draft of a chapter that has the vital elements needed for a large work: a hook, "I am getting married" he said so softly I almost didn't hear him, almost.; a strong main character, Admittedly, I was still working on keeping a spotless house, and the state of my car didn't even come close yet, but I was a work in progress. I had made progress, with his help I had finally developed a budget I could live within and was paying off my staggering amount of debt., and conflict, "Look you know that this has been hard for me" he said in a hard disgusted voice, "you are a mess, and I need someone who is more like me. You can't think that we could live together; I can't stand how your place looks all of the time. You are so irresponsible with money. I know that you have been trying, but it was never going to work. I didn't say anything earlier, because I just kept hoping and waiting for you to become what I wanted. But while I was waiting for you to become that, I met someone else.



*Star* What I liked: You have some fantastic characterizations working here. I love your descriptions in her reaction to the news of the break-up, for example: A pain was squeezing my upper chest, just below my throat. My mouth was dry. Ripples were flowing through my body starting at knees and moving up my body to the top of my head. Great 'Show, Don't Tell' description.

I also love the last part, describing her 'place' in his immaculate house: Whenever I was there my purse and jacket looked cluttered up his dining room table. I only kept a hairbrush, toothbrush and some hair ties, in the back of the bottom drawer in his bathroom. Well done!


*Question* Suggestions: As this is a rough draft, I can only suggest finishing it *Bigsmile*! Increase its readability by double spacing between paragraphs, and indenting. Check for unnecessary redundancy, such as He was the light of my life; He was my soul mate, my other half, my better half to be honest.

*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: Edit for typos and tighten up the punctuation, especially dialogue punctuation and proper capitalization between quotation marks.


Overall, I see lots of potential for this piece. Good luck with it, and thanks for sharing!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on May 1st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Also, keep checking "Invalid Item for the posting of your (2)raffle ticket numbers, and when the drawing will be. Good luck!


Write On!
~ Nicki
Happy Holidays!
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for The Time of the Hippies:

*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A colorful poem reminding the reader of the hallmarks of the hippie era. Although I am not a poet, and can't comment with any authority on the technical aspects of your piece, I can tell you why I enjoyed it!

*Star* What I liked: I loved all the references to the music, language and '-isms' of the sixties and late seventies.

My favorite line: Hip cats and chicks grooved to music
and were feeling fine
~ Nice lyric quote!


*Question* Suggestions: I have none, I enjoyed it just as you wrote it! *Bigsmile*


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: I didn't fine any. *Smile*



*Cool* Overall, I enjoyed your poem very much. Thanks for sharing!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on May 1st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Also, keep checking "Invalid Item for the posting of your (2)raffle ticket numbers, and when the drawing will be. Good luck!


Write On!
~ Nicki
Happy Holidays!
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Review of The Interview  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for The Interview:

*Flower4* Initial Reaction: An interesting look inside the lifestyle of a young, wealthy couple. This story flourishes with descriptions and exhibits your strong, personal style.

*Star* What I liked: Your writing has a prominent voice that I enjoy very much. Your rich descriptions characterize your subjects both from the outside to in, and from the inside to out; so we are able to 'see' them, and 'see through their eyes'. Very well done!

*Question* Suggestions: You began to indent with the first three paragraphs, but then stopped. Keeping the look of your piece uniform increases readability.

There are times you can use italics when interjecting a character's unspoken thoughts, or in this case, spoken asides: ...the occasional outburst of "James tell him ‘bout this" and "James tell him ‘bout that" from the listening Adriana. Try this: ...the occasional outburst of, James tell him ‘bout this, and, James tell him ‘bout that, from the listening Adriana.

Although your descriptions are rich and wonderful, they can be redundant if you are not careful. There are several examples where extra phrases modify what you have already said. For example: Similarly, the whole room seemed to be equally unorganized. Dirty clothes were strewn haphazardly all about the room. 'All about the room' is repeating 'the whole room' in the sentence before.

Another example: This person, a man was positioned in a similarly lazy and comfortable position as the woman. Because you use the word 'similarly', the reader is automatically mentally comparing him with the woman, so stating 'as the woman' is redundant. (By the way, there should be a comma after 'man'.)


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: Two issues you can work on are punctuation, specifically comma usage, and dialogue format.

Commas: I am no expert, and I struggle with commas, too! But, your writing style incorporates a good deal of descriptives with modifying phrases, and those phrases should be surrounded by commas. For example: A young woman, scarcely out of her teens stretched languidly across a chaise lounge... 'Scarcely out of her teens' modifies 'woman', and needs a comma after 'teens' where the reader's natural pause should occur.

Another example, (~love this sentence, by the way!): Adriana, as the woman is known matched her new husband in not only beauty, but in unchecked extravagance and recklessness. There is a missing comma after 'known'.

Dialogue: Again, I'm not an expert! But, here's some pointers on dialogue format:

*Note* Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.
*Note* Use 'comma, close quotation mark' before 'he said, etc.'
*Note* Use of (!) or (?) eliminates the need for a comma in the quotation marks.
*Note* Capitalize the first word in a quote, but not the second part of a sentence that has been interrupted by 'he said; she replied; etc.'.

An example from your story:
"Oh, right" James said remembering, "you're the reporter, I must have forgotten...Oh, please come in." he replied opening the door. *Right* "Oh, right," James said, remembering. "You're the reporter. I must have forgotten... Oh, please, come in," he replied, opening the door.


Overall, I enjoyed your story. Your writing has the hallmarks of great talent, and with practice in the technical aspects of storytelling, that talent will really begin the shine!
You did a great job with this piece. Thanks for sharing!

I will roll the virtual dice on May 1st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Also, keep checking "Invalid Item for the posting of your (2)raffle ticket numbers, and when the drawing will be. Good luck!


Write On!
~ Nicki
Happy Holidays!
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Review of Potential  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for Potential:

*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A hauntingly beautiful poem with regret seeping between all the lines.


*Star* What I liked: The rhythm of the piece flows from one line to the next. The story unfolds with precise timing, allowing the reader to really understand the narrator by the end.
I particularly like this line: An endless, friendless rush. Very powerful.


*Question* Suggestions: I don't have any, you did a smashing job!!


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: None *Smile*


You did a great job with this piece. Thanks for sharing!

I will roll the virtual dice on May 1st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Also, keep checking "Invalid Item for the posting of your (2)raffle ticket numbers, and when the drawing will be. Good luck!


Write On!
~ Nicki
Happy Holidays!
** Image ID #1412472 Unavailable **
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Review of fearful of plenty  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Blank Deed! Welcome to Writing.com!

*Flower4*Initial Reaction: An enigmatic and powerful piece that I read through several times, wanting to go deeper into the words, to read them as you meant them to be understood. I immediately connected with the strong emotions conveyed, and the darkness between the words. Nice job!


*Star*What I liked: I loved the deliberately misspelled words used to describe without 'saying' the user's frame of mind. Words like: dis-allusion, and coma-dosed say so much.

I loved this description of self-hatred: The half-witted, self-sized criticism that comes at you so hard, as to, change the shape of your feet. Very powerful!


*Question*Suggestions: I don't have any *Smile*


*Check3*Grammar/spelling Oops: Just a few:

You take it in strides but, can't tell the difference of any thing (*Left*'difference of any thing' -- to have a difference implies between two or more things. Try, 'the difference between things', for example.) that comes yor your way.

...with so much force, that your you're glad that it was.



I enjoyed this piece very much, great job!

Write On!
~ Nicki
Happy Holidays!
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Dawn! Thanks for participating in "Invalid Item!

Your poem is beautiful and full of emotion. Though I am not a poet and therefore can not comment on the technical aspects of your piece, I can tell you how I reacted emotionally when I read it.

The message resonates with anyone who has had a broken heart. The unbearable pain of lost love heals slowly with time; although sitting in the shadowed room one can not imagine ever joyfully dancing in the rain again.

My favorite metaphors in this piece are the use of dark to light, and thunderstorm to clear skies. They strongly convey the idea of sadness giving way to happiness, as well as reminding the reader of the cyclical nature of all of the physical and emotional elements in the universe. Nicely done!

Thank you so much for joining the challenge, and sharing this simple yet elegant poem with us. Please check the forum on April 16th, when I will be announcing the results of the virtual dice roll and revealing the winner of the Grand Prize of 5000 gps. I will also contact the winner via email *Smile*.

Always write on!
Beautiful sig created by KiyaSama
Happy Holidays!
Signature created by our dear talented friend, Kelly1202
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi AM, welcome to WDC!

Thanks for sharing your poem of the horrors of war and the misguided reasons some choose to fight. The moral was as hard for the village women to learn as it is for all of us here as our men and women fight in Iraq.

Write on!
~ Nicki
Happy Holidays!
Signature created by our dear talented friend, Kelly1202
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lizzy -- Welcome to WDC!

I enjoyed your story. Your descriptions helped transport me to a drafty castle and the lifestyle of days past. Nicely done!

I thought you maintained the 'voice' of a 14 yr. old well; her youthfulness characterized by idealism and impetuousness was expertly woven throughout her dialogue with the diary.

Another read-through is needed to fix a few typos ...A charming young man, I though,” for example.

Overall, a good read! Thanks for sharing. Write on!

~ Nicki
Happy Holidays!
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Review of Evermore  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello SoCalScribe! Thanks for entering this story in the Breakfast Club of Writers Contest for February, '08.

Plot: A man's lifelong quest to discover the secret to immortality is finally rewarded. The obsessive search carries a hefty price and so fits the contest prompt perfectly.

Characerization: Our hero is developed nicely from the inside out, and you have done a fantastic job showing the reader what he is all about using interesting descriptives, rather than simply telling all. "(The tent) was certainly built to last, once upon a time, but like me, it had grown old and frail with age. I doubted either of us had much time left." Nice way to explain how he feels about his age. "I pushed ahead of my business partners, hoping to lead the way.", and "“Careful,” one of them warned. “It’s slippery.” I brushed him off and continued forward..." The reader sees how his eagerness causes him to be self-centered and reckless, which is presumably how he lost his family and fortune for the sake of his obsession.

Pace: The events unfold in a timely and fast-paced manner, maintaining an appropriate rhythm for the story.

Twist: "...I may be immortal, but I was also trapped. And that’s when I heard the sound of the creatures returning." Nice twist at the end, very karmic considering the debts he accumulated during his lifelong search for greatness.

I found one grammatical error: "...our flesh and muscle tissue was were torn from our bones."

I enjoyed your story very much. The judging is still underway, stay tuned for the results!

Beautiful sig created by KiyaSama
Image #1379784 over display limit. -?-


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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Butterflyofdeath,

This is an interesting piece of prose. It is rant with the message of doom and destruction, but tells little more than that.

Even prose can tell a story. Here, you have two definite characters: the evil, laughing woman and her evil master. They want to destroy the world, bringing hell to earth. Besides that, there is very little substance here. The same thought, a lava-like river burning and consuming everything and causing pain and death, is repeated through each sonnet. There could be a story here -- but you have to tell it. Who is the woman? Who is her master? What are their motives. How are they conflicted. What is resolved or accomplished?

To keep your audience engaged, you must give more than repetitive imagery. Hook them, then entertain them with a creative plot and clever twists. Even in prose, this is essential in winning over your reader.

Good luck in your future writings.

I will be rolling the virtual dice on March 1 to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the forum and email that person directly. Good luck and thanks for participating!

Beautiful sig created by KiyaSama
Image #1379784 over display limit. -?-
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Review of The Last Goodbye  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi GFletcher! Poetry is not my forte, but when I am moved I know that the author has done something right. This piece is hauntingly sad, evoking a sense of dispair and pain. I read through it several times, and am still unclear whether this is from the voice of someone ill or aged and close to death, or someone about to take his/her life. Either way, it is a highly emotional poem, nice job.

I will be rolling the virtual dice on March 1 to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will both post the winner in the forum and email that person directly. Good luck and thanks for participating.

Beautiful sig created by KiyaSama
Image #1379784 over display limit. -?-
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hooray!! I loved it *Bigsmile*

Your revamped version of this classic children's story is fresh and full of humor. Some of my favorite lines are: "But through the sheep’s clothing were two yellow eyes.
This sheep was no sheep, but the wolf in disguise!
" Also: "On their heels was the wolf, he was quick as a wink.
Still huffin’ and puffin’ behind blurs of pink.
By the time he had reached the fortress of bricks,
He knew this was more than the challenge of sticks.
"

Very clever and fun to read! Bravo!

I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the Grand Prize winner. I will contact that person by email as well as posting the winner in the contest forum. Good Luck!

Beautiful sig created by KiyaSama
Image #1379784 over display limit. -?-

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
Absolutely beautiful! I am not a poet, and therefore can not comment on the technical aspects of this piece (although it seems perfect to me!). I am qualified to say how this poem makes me feel. I enjoyed the emotions of love and devotion so beautifully expressed. What a treat that I chose Valentine's Day to read it! I also appreciated the ease with which this piece of poetry flowed; I was never hung up on a word or needed to reread any verse. Simply lovely!

Thank you for sharing your piece with us! I will be posting the Grand Prize winner in the forum, and emailing the winner directly. Good Luck!

*Heart* Nicki
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Review of The Blue Ribbon  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
This inspirational story demonstrates the rewards of working hard in the face of obstacles and the merits of friendship. You tell much in this piece.

There is a typo in the line beginning, "The whole school stood up to applause applaud..."

Overall, a nice job!
Nicki
Happy Holidays!
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a beautiful message this well-written story conveys. The plot is nicely developed from beginning to end and flows effortlessly. Nice use of descriptive language. A very good job!

Happy Holidays!
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Review of Inner Strength  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this story -- you really get an idea of the determination Consuela musters to attain her goals. Good characterization in a story with only 55 words. No easy feat!

Nicki
Happy Holidays!
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The whole story is here, beginning, middle and end. You have even managed to tell what Kyle decided; by dropping the skates and declaring he now has something else to tend to, we understand that he is 'changing course' due to Maria's admission. All in only 55 words! Bravo
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Review of Inner Child  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great story, full of drama and emotion in just 55 words! I especially enjoyed the double-entendre in the second paragraph: 'I'm in here, Mom' is said to this girl's mother at the door, and 'being said' to her by the "inner child". Brilliant!

Write on!
Nicki
Happy Holidays!
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Review of Snow Angels  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is the sweetest snippet of prose I have ever read! So short yet vivid, it is a perfect example of how mighty just a few perfectly chosen words can be.

Bravo!
Happy Holidays!
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi! I was hanging out in the Angel Lounge and saw your post. Thought I'd read through your piece!

I liked it a lot! It brought me back to my adolescence when I felt most of the feelings you wrote about!!!

One exerp I loved was:
Of crying in a downpour..."No one sees your tears when you're crying in the rain." -- Beautiful.

Little suggestions:
"My existence has never had the keeper of my key to happiness." 'known' would work better there.

"...like a scared child on its mother's legs." 'its' would sound better as 'his' or 'her'

Mentionning the "male half of the human race" infers that the population is 50/50, and though it's not a big deal that phrase caused me pause when the flow was going along nicely.

Lastly (thank God, right?!) "I need to break the chains....find someone special that would occupy..." Replacing that with 'who'works better.

You did a great job with the last sentence, especially wishing to be "whole" without the "hole" you describe in the first paragraph. Bravo!

Thanks for sharing your piece!
Nicki
Happy Holidays!
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
Childhood memories provide great subjects for storytellers. You portray the innocence of a child's perspective nicely.

I'd like to suggest elaborating on your descriptions a bit more. In the first three sentences, you use the words "apartment" and "building" a total of seven times. To the reader, the language is very repetitive. The impact of the memory of playing on the hill is diminished some because the word "hill" appears over and over.

Exploring synonyms and adjectives breathes more life into a piece, making a good story great.

Write on!!
Nicki
Happy Holidays!
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
Having lived through a bad depression once in my life, I can honestly say that you describe it perfectly -- the rollercoaster of debilitating sadness and numbness, the self-inflicted isolation, and the hopelessness. I remember feeling like the fog was lifting and the sun was beginning to shine again, nice metaphor.

Best of luck to you!
Nicki
Happy Holidays!
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Review of Djinn in the Box  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Nice job! Very entertaining, and I loved the twist at the end. I didn't see that one coming*Delight*!

My only suggestion would be to give the story another good re-read, when you may find places here and there that could use an edit. (For example, the sentence starting with, "They just peeked up the stairway..." is a little choppy compared to the nice flow the piece generally maintains.) There are a couple of missing apostrophes and such, real minor stuff.

Overall, a great read. Nice job!!

*Flower3*Nicki
Happy Holidays!-
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This light-hearted tale captures the spirit of true friendship... sticking together because you care. I like a story with a lesson.

Overall, your story flows nicely. There is a line that could be smoother: "To me it seemed like she was absolutely distraught over one of the basic truths of the universe, but I couldn't help but be touched at that moment." Two 'buts' so close together stand out, maybe start the sentence with "Although it seemed to me like she..., I couldn't help but be touched..."

I have one other suggestion: When you write, "It would take someone completely insane to return to an audience that was liable to kill you.", the 'someone' and 'you' are referring to the same person and so a little awkward. A possible edit could be, "After all, it would be insane to return to such a hostile audience."

I like your use of the song lyrics, that adds to the charm of your story.

Good job. Write on!
NickiD89
"Army Angel Christmas 1

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Review of A Trunk's Tale  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very light-hearted and entertaining story! I enjoyed the cliche description of the used car salesman. I was trying to guess the noise's origin, and I appreciated that it was made by such an unexpected source. It may have been a bit more mysterious if you'd described a bit what it sounded like. Great job with the last line of the story, very clever!
*Smile*Write on!*Flower1*

NickiD89
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