Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED" ! Here is the review for The Interview:
Initial Reaction: An interesting look inside the lifestyle of a young, wealthy couple. This story flourishes with descriptions and exhibits your strong, personal style.
What I liked: Your writing has a prominent voice that I enjoy very much. Your rich descriptions characterize your subjects both from the outside to in, and from the inside to out; so we are able to 'see' them, and 'see through their eyes'. Very well done!
Suggestions: You began to indent with the first three paragraphs, but then stopped. Keeping the look of your piece uniform increases readability.
There are times you can use italics when interjecting a character's unspoken thoughts, or in this case, spoken asides: ...the occasional outburst of "James tell him ‘bout this" and "James tell him ‘bout that" from the listening Adriana. Try this: ...the occasional outburst of, James tell him ‘bout this, and, James tell him ‘bout that, from the listening Adriana.
Although your descriptions are rich and wonderful, they can be redundant if you are not careful. There are several examples where extra phrases modify what you have already said. For example: Similarly, the whole room seemed to be equally unorganized. Dirty clothes were strewn haphazardly all about the room. 'All about the room' is repeating 'the whole room' in the sentence before.
Another example: This person, a man was positioned in a similarly lazy and comfortable position as the woman. Because you use the word 'similarly', the reader is automatically mentally comparing him with the woman, so stating 'as the woman' is redundant. (By the way, there should be a comma after 'man'.)
Grammar/spelling Oops: Two issues you can work on are punctuation, specifically comma usage, and dialogue format.
Commas: I am no expert, and I struggle with commas, too! But, your writing style incorporates a good deal of descriptives with modifying phrases, and those phrases should be surrounded by commas. For example: A young woman, scarcely out of her teens stretched languidly across a chaise lounge... 'Scarcely out of her teens' modifies 'woman', and needs a comma after 'teens' where the reader's natural pause should occur.
Another example, (~love this sentence, by the way!): Adriana, as the woman is known matched her new husband in not only beauty, but in unchecked extravagance and recklessness. There is a missing comma after 'known'.
Dialogue: Again, I'm not an expert! But, here's some pointers on dialogue format:
Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.
Use 'comma, close quotation mark' before 'he said, etc.'
Use of (!) or (?) eliminates the need for a comma in the quotation marks.
Capitalize the first word in a quote, but not the second part of a sentence that has been interrupted by 'he said; she replied; etc.'.
An example from your story:
"Oh, right" James said remembering, "you're the reporter, I must have forgotten...Oh, please come in." he replied opening the door. "Oh, right," James said, remembering. "You're the reporter. I must have forgotten... Oh, please, come in," he replied, opening the door.
Overall, I enjoyed your story. Your writing has the hallmarks of great talent, and with practice in the technical aspects of storytelling, that talent will really begin the shine!
You did a great job with this piece. Thanks for sharing!
I will roll the virtual dice on May 1st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Also, keep checking "Invalid Item" for the posting of your (2)raffle ticket numbers, and when the drawing will be. Good luck!
Write On!
~ Nicki
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