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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Teia! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Coral Reefs of the World -- Unite!:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This article was well-developed and presented with a wealth of interesting and thought-provoking information. I learned a lot about coral reefs and the threat of damage they exist under due to practices in our modern world.

*Exclaim* What I liked: The introductory material in the first several paragraphs was very effective in demonstrating characteristics of a coral reef's healthy existence compared to its state when damaged. The opening led naturally to the fifth paragraph where you state the intent of the article: to spread the message of the worldwide campaign aimed at preserving our coral reefs.

*Note* Each paragraph brought more insight into the precarious situation of these ocean habitats, and the direct effect their loss will have on human life. I thought the evidence you presented showed great passion for the subject, and demonstrated an in-depth knowledge of the subject matter. These two aspects combined delivered your message in a clear and persuasive manner. Very nice job!

*Note* I thought the last paragraph was a strong conclusion to the article, reminding the reader that what we do today to preserve the coral reefs will not only ensure improvement in the present, but will have a great impact on our future, and our future generations.


*Idea* Suggestions: Although your knowledge of the article's subject matter is evident, your message would carry more weight if you cited some references, especially for this sentence: According to a 2007 study, this area is "one of the last remaining intact predator-dominated, large-scale coral reef fish assemblages on earth."

*Bullet* Directing the reader to other articles, books or web site links that share the viewpoint of the article would encourage the reader to explore other sources of information of the subject.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I found the spelling and punctuation impeccable throughout this piece. Bravo! There is one small typo in the first paragraph, where 'turtle' is listed twice.


*Star* I was impressed by the professional presentation of this article, and leave it more informed and impassioned for the plight of the world's coral reefs than when I began reading. Thanks for sharing this powerful article!


*Flower3* Nicki

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Thayamax! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Waiting For My Daughter:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: An emotional read that draws sympathy from the reader for every character introduced. I can already tell, this is one of those stories that I will reflect on throughout my day.


*Exclaim* What I liked: You do a great job putting the reader right inside the mind and heart of Carrie. We see through her eyes, and feel her pain. Great job!


*Idea* Suggestions: None -- this is perfect.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I notice no errors *Smile*


*Star* Fantastic job! Thank you for sharing this story with us.


*Flower3* Nicki

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Hyperiongate! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The ultimate discount:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I enjoyed this story from the first line to the last. In just 300 words, you wove an interesting tale and did an outstanding job characterizing the jewelry store clerk. Great twist at the end!


*Exclaim* What I liked: The voice you gave the woman was strong and clear. Her internal conflict was well portrayed through her thoughts. I was even thinking about her little girl being the last one to be picked up at the end of the day! Great job.

*Note* I also thought your knowledge of ring settings enriched the story and made it more believable and interesting.


*Idea* Suggestions: Within the confines of 300 words, I thought you did a great job as written.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: In the line: "Certainly. I noticed how it matched your skin tone perfectly the last three times you tried it on" she monotoned compliment forty-two. there is a missing comma after 'on'.



*Star* I was entertained -- nice job!!


*Flower3* Nicki

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Review of I Was A Tiger  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hello Harry! After reading your poem "I Was A Tiger, I offer you this humble review.


*Note1* Emotional Impact: By the second stanza, I realized the setting of the poem and my heart lurched. A tiger dying in the jungle at man's hand is a tragedy, but a caged tiger who rages against his confiners evokes an anger at the audacity of humans and our disrespect for the natural world.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: Though the last word of each 1 and 2 line rhymes with its counterpart 3 and 4 line, this doesn't read like a rhyming poem. The number of syllables in each stanza changes, further hindering a regular flow of the lines. I found that rereading the poem several times helped me find the correct rhythm that I was unable to fall into on the first read-through.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I thought the punctuation was appropriately chosen, and helped the image or message of each line come across clearly. I saw no spelling or grammar errors *Cool*.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: The emotional impact of this poem is still with me. I loved the underlying message that the tiger was not at fault for the death of the man; rather man must consider how our actions set the tragedy in motion. Great job!


*Flower4* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing


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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Poolside Embarrassment:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I was already a fan of yours from reading other items in your port, and this story reminds me why! You have a wonderful, upbeat style that makes your slice-of-life stories a real joy to read.


*Exclaim* What I liked: The descriptives in this piece are spot on, giving the reader the ability to sit next to you at the pool and smell the coconut scent of summer. I especially love the last line of the story, which put a smile on my face and made me hope you have written that story, too!


*Idea* Suggestions: None! I loved this as written!


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: None *Cool*


*Star* Another great piece of storytelling. Thanks for sharing!


*Flower3* Nicki

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Melissa! I just read "Changing Things in My Life. The following is my humble review.


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A heart-wrenching account of the narrator's struggles as a disturbed teenager with suicidal intentions. Although this piece is written in the first person narrative, I cannot assume it is a true story because you have chosen to classify it as an 'Other' Static item, rather than a 'Non-fiction' Static Item. (If you want readers to be sure it is auto-biograghical, you can edit this setting.) Nonetheless, I was deeply moved by the narrator's story and felt its effects long after I finished the last sentence.


*Star* What I liked: The first line of this piece asks some very profound, thought-provoking quesions. I think opening with this paragraph was a good choice because it introduced the direction the piece would take: You think about this because you have thoughts that maybe its it's time to go further toward life and not deeper into life.; and it set the tone of the story: For instance, is their there stuff that you have done in the past that you want to go away and stuff that you just want to change. *Left* (Question mark instead of a period) This sentence is a good hook; it intrigues the reader, encouraging him/her to read on in the hopes of finding out what 'things' the narrator regrets doing. Nice job!


*Question* Suggestions: Readability is important in a story because if the reader notices inconsistancies in the presentation of the writing, s/he will be distracted from the author's intended message or emotional impact. For this reason, I suggest going through this piece sentence by sentence, and correcting the many instances where a word or punctuation mark is missing; or where the structure of the sentence is rough and creates a 'hiccup' in the flow. For example:

*Bullet* When I came back to APW High School. Then my life just became worse than ever before. Each of these sentence fragments is a dependent adverb clause which cannot stand on its own. Combining them and eliminating a couple of words will smooth it out: When I came back to APW High School, my life became worse than ever before. And another example is:

*Bullet* I also became to a depression state of my life and when I wasn't able to cut myself I planned my own death. This is a very poignant sentence that sabotage's its power with ill-chosen words and incorrect punctuation. Try this: I also spiraled into a deeper state of depression; when I wasn't able to cut myself, I began to plan my own death.

*Note* There are several other examples throughout this piece that pull the reader's attention away from the story.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: Another edit is in order to fix errors, noably missing commas and misspelled words. Just a few examples are:

*Bullet* During the first year back I turned my whole world up side down. *Right* Comma after 'back'.

*Bullet* The night before I went to school I sat in my bedroom with two razor blades and that night I slit my wrist 126 times all together in one single setting without taking any hesitation of what I was doing. First, you can cut 'before I went to school' because the next sentence begins with 'I went to school the next day...'; and cut 'that night' because the sentence begins with 'The night...I sat in my bedroom...'. Second, this run-on sentence needs punctuation to help it flow correctly. Try this: One night, I sat in my bedroom with two razor blades and I slit my wrist 126 times, all together in one single setting, without any hesitation.

*Bullet* I haven't cut myself or done anything else to arm myself sence. sence *Right* since


*Star* The subject matter is fascinating and evokes in the reader an incredible emotional response. You have a powerful story to tell, but the reader will not fully appreciate it before you correct the spelling and punctuation errors and smooth out the flow. This story has great potential, best of luck with it!


~ Nicki
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Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "His Final Redemption:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: An original take on a familiar premise; I liked your idea that guilt holds a soul back from going to The Other Side.


*Exclaim* What I liked: I enjoyed the tone of this piece, that was at the same time mysterious and thought-provoking.


*Idea* Suggestions: I suggest rereading this piece, perhaps aloud, with a critical ear for sentences that are rough or confusing as written. For example: He didn't even have the time to panic as his lungs were sucked out of air and his whole muscles numbed. It seems that the air should be sucked out of his lungs, not the converse. Also, 'his whole muscles' would better be written as 'all his muscles', or 'his whole body'.

Another example is: The sight of a pier of some sort greeted him, which he would've thought as the world he once lived in if it wasn't for the fact that it looked and felt so surreal - the sky was flooded with murky mists, and it was too silent. There is perhaps a word missing in this sentence (or is 'as' a typo for 'was'?); but more than that, the descriptions of the sky and the silence are intended to modify 'the world he once lived in', but the way you have written the sentence it is actually modifying the main subject clause ('the sight of a pier of some sort').


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: There are several typos:

...Jonathan heard the hooded creature spoke speak for the first time...

"I killed you, my own comrade, I made you lost your dreams!..." *Right* "I killed you, my own comrade; I made you lose your dreams!..."

...he suddenly felt no more fear to of the fire of Hell.

...managed to severe sever his tie to the world.


*Star* Overall, an interesting read. Thanks for sharing!


*Flower3* Nicki

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! Here is the first of five reviews you won in the Lucky Dip. In the spirit of helping you as a writer hone your craft, I offer the following comments for "A Cold Entity-Chapter One:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: There is a lot of potential in this story. The main character you introduce is intriguing and powerful. The plot possibilities are endless.


*Exclaim* What I liked: The situation you have created with the attack of the Trodain army is interesting, and you successfully establish the power of the Ice Goddess, Articuna. This is especially evident through the guard's reaction to the news that the prisoner is her daughter: "Articuna's daughter?" Impossible!" he said in a small voice. "She has no children. She is not your mother. It simply can't be." He was trying (to) persuade himself otherwise, to not be scared of me; but (he) was failing miserably. *Left* This is a good example of 'show, don't tell' descriptives.


*Idea* Suggestions: My biggest concern with this piece is the slow pace. The first twelve paragraphs essentially say the same thing: that the cell is made of hard stone; that the prisoner is not human and does not feel the same things humans do; and that she is enjoying the prospect of her hidden identity and abilities. Repetitive imagery (like a hard floor, or dripping water) or repetitive thoughts (They have no idea who I am.) don't move the story forward. There is little explanation for the Trodain army's raid other than they are vandals, leaving the reader with too many questions and not enough hooks to make them want to reader further into the story.

You could expand on the girl, helping the reader understand where her evil intentions stem from. What is the payoff for keeping her identity a secret? Why does Articuna keep the secret? Do they have a relationship, or are they estranged from each other? Why does she want to kill? Where does her lack of remorse come from? There are so many things you could share with the reading audience that would help us understand her. Also, if you include qualities that begin to draw sympathy for her from the reader, or give her something that conflicts her, the reader will be more intrigued by her and encouraged to read on.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Watch for sentences where same or similar words appear close together: At least with silence, someone could at least fall asleep...


*Star* I think as a rough draft, this story is promising. Future drafts should concentrate on fleshing out the characters more, replacing words with high-impact adjectives and verbs to bring interest to your descriptives, and cutting out some repetitive sections to pick up the pace of the story. Remember that for most authors, taking the story from the first draft to the final draft requires attention to details and a lot of rewrites. Have fun with it, and best of luck to you!


*Flower3* Nicki

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello again! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone our craft, I offer the following comments for "This is the Best Trap, Yet!:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A light-hearted yet suspenseful short story that begs to be read to the end.


*Exclaim* What I liked: Thanks to Tara's description of the basement, and her commentary on her movements, I could really 'see' the scene playing out. Nice job building up the pace as the story neared the end. Great job!

*Note* The emoticon at the end was a playful addition to the upbeat tone of the story.


*Idea* Suggestions: None *Smile*


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Nice job with the punctuation of this story. It flowed beautifully and I noticed no errors.


*Star* Thanks for sharing your creativity with us!!


*Flower3* Nicki

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Review of ~I'm Coming Home~  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review and share with the Simply Positive group. This one is for "~I'm Coming Home~:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Great story, with a strong main character and a twist at the end, all in 300 words. Nice!


*Star* What I liked: The two lines of dialogue shifted the entire meaning of the story; I liked that! I also liked the 'afterword' sentence, it very effective in broadening the story beyond its timeframe.


*Question* Suggestions: None!


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: It was a somber, rainy, October evening. I don't think the comma between 'rainy' and 'October' is necessary. I like the old test of putting 'and' between the modifiers to verify if a comma is needed. Since we wouldn't say 'rainy and October evening' I think the comma can be taken out.


*Star* Thanks for sharing your talent with all of us here at WDC. I notice all the reviews you do each day, too. We are very lucky to have such a generous and supportive member making this community so vital. Thank you, thank you for all you do!!!!!


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#1368465 by Not Available.



*Heart* Nicki
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review and share with the Simply Positive group. This one is for "~Memories of Momma~:

*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A sweet story that reads with a hint of a child's voice, as if the thirty-eight year old narrator is so wrapped up in the memory that she takes on the language she used when she was eight.


*Star* What I liked: The imagery of the mother and daughter sharing August mornings together in a field of wheat is lovely, and made more so at the end of the story when the narrator reveals that she still communes with the spirit of her beloved mother in the same unicorn game.


*Question* Suggestions: Although the child-like voice you have achieved is wonderful, I found the repeated use of the word 'just' a bit distracting. In paragraphs two and three it appears five times. I think omitting some of them would increase readability without taking anything away from the tone of the voice.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: I didn't notice any mistakes *Cool*


*Star* I enjoyed this story very much! Thanks for sharing!


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#1368465 by Not Available.



*Heart* Nicki
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Review of User-Friendly  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review and share with the Simply Positive group. This one is for "User-Friendly:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A very entertaining read. I loved the twist!


*Star* What I liked: The writing was concise, as is necessary when telling an entire story in under 300 words, but you wrote it masterfully nonetheless. I like the high impact words you chose to say precisely what you wanted without wasting precious words: The Omnibots were sentient.


*Question* Suggestions: None!


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: In this sentence, 'labor' should be reworded: Most people considered Omnibots to be nothing more than tools, objects to be used by humans as labor. *Right* Either, ...used by humans as laborers.; or, used by humans for labor.


*Star* I liked this one a lot! Thanks for sharing your talent!


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1368465 by Not Available.



*Heart* Nicki
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Review of Ambition  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review and share with the Simply Positive group. This one is for "Ambition:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This story has great descriptions and characterization for such a constrained word limit. Great job!


*Star* What I liked: The harsh neon lights coated her skin as she gyrated against the pole. This sentence is rich in descriptive language and was the perfect choice with which to open a 99 word story. It set the stage (pardon the pun *Laugh*) and introduced the pov while providing a juicy hook. Bravo!


*Question* Suggestions: None *Cool*!


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: Your firm grasp on the rules of punctuation was demonstrated.


*Star* I look forward to reading more items from your port!


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1368465 by Not Available.



*Heart* Nicki
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Review of So Far Gone  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review and share with the Simply Positive group. This one is for "So Far Gone:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I like reading earlier works by an author, it helps appreciate the progress the author has made and makes me contemplate my own journey as well.


*Star* What I liked: This reads as a personal account, and brings up issues that so many people can relate to. I think many members of your reading audience will understand the daunting task of bringing weight issues under control in the face of all the 'Some Things' that life throws at us. Writing in a way that reaches out to others as this one does, letting people know they are not alone in their struggles, is so powerful.


*Question* Suggestions: As a piece written some time ago, this story would benefit from your more experienced editor's eye, particularly looking for shifts in verb tenses. Bouncing back and forth in tense confuses the flow of a piece. For example: I am only thirty-four years old. This is too young to be taking all of this medicine and feeling as I do. It was past time for me to take matters into my own hands. It is time to step up and find a way to eliminate all of the medicines from the cabinet.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: Sure I have tried to change the way I do somethings... *Right* 'some things'.


*Star* Thanks for the notation at the bottom, because I was wondering if your health has improved. With healthful eating and exercising, I take the One Day At A Time approach, and try to make every day count. Best of luck to you!


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This item number is not valid.
#1368465 by Not Available.



*Heart* Nicki
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review and share with the Simply Positive group. This one is for "Seasons Come and Seasons Go:

*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A powerfully engaging read that kept me interested from the beginning to the end. I loved the last line.


*Star* What I liked: The description of the weather, before and during the strange storm, was wonderfully done. Snow that was being blown so hard and so fast, it felt like little pellets of heat igniting my skin. Descriptions like this one, that use the sense of feel, are very effective. Great job!


*Question* Suggestions: In this sentence, the opening phrase should be reworded: Packing a lunch, I left the house and began crossing the fields behind the shed out back. Written as is, it seems the narrator was packing a lunch at the same time she left the house. One suggestion would be: With packed lunch in hand, I left the house... *Wink* I'm sure you could do better!


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: The second sentence fragment should be connected to the first with a semi-colon after 'sky': A slight breeze took the sting out of the sun as it rose in the sky. Cool enough to almost quench your thirst, but leaving just enough warmth that you contemplated taking off your long sleeve shirt and continuing on in your tank top. Great descriptions in this excerpt, btw!


*Star* Thanks for the good read, I enjoyed it!


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1368465 by Not Available.



*Heart* Nicki
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


I was a student in the A1 Academy Student Orientation class this term, and the topic of writing query letters came up in a forum discussion. Most of my fellow classmates had never written one, and many didn't even know what one was.

Thank you for providing this incredibly concise and informative article on the subject of query letters. The organization was helpful, beginning with the discussion covering the elements that must be included in the letter, and then what elements should be avoided. The example letters at the end demonstrated beautifully the importance of knowing the do's and don'ts for writing an effective query letter.

Although Student Orientation wrapped up a week ago, I plan to track down my classmates who wanted information on query letters, and email them the link to this article. It has been helpful to me, and I know they will appreciate the information, too.

Thank you, again, for all you do to support this writing community!
Best regards,
NickiD89
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review and share with the Simply Positive group. This one is for "A Teenager in Prison:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: At the outset, I thought a story was developing; then midway through I realized this was a piece about the general memories of boarding school. By the end, I was chuckling. The last line is great!


*Star* What I liked: You use some vivid descriptions to paint the setting for the reader. I love this: Wooden panels, newspaper thin, served as walls between the cubicles, not quite reaching the ceiling. There were two divan beds per cubicle, decorated with a thin foam mattress, pinstriped to give the prison effect. Well done!


*Question* Suggestions: I think an introductory sentence or two would creatively state the intention of the piece, to talk about the first and subsequent years spent at boarding school. That would lead in to your first paragraph, which describes so richly the dormitories.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: If I had to go back and do it again would I? *Right* Comma after 'again'.


*Star* I enjoyed your story very much! Congrats again on being published through Mystic Moon Press!


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1368465 by Not Available.



*Heart* Nicki
** Image ID #1416048 Unavailable **
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Review of Going Home  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review and share with the Simply Positive group. This one is for "Going Home:

*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A heart-warming story of the last thoughts of a dying woman. Introspective, it reminds us all that a life is a collection of moments.


*Star* What I liked: The tulip was a nice symbol both as a marker of time left in the woman's life, and as a thing of beauty, standing out from the rest, just as each life is unique. I especially liked how she knew it was her time to go: It had dropped its seed among the sand. It had been significant while it lived, proud and gentle at the same time, but now it was time to make room for the ones that would take its place. Beautiful!



*Question* Suggestions: This line was a bit confusing for me: 'What if it did today?' she heard the words in her head and felt the panic like a palatable lump. Perhaps rewording it would make it clearer, as well as changing the thought to italics: What if the tulip changed today? She heard the words in her head and felt the panic like a palatable lump.



*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: In this sentence, there is a punctuation oops: "Better than yesterday," she saw the expression on Jessie's face and turned to look at the calender, "What day is it?" *Right* "Better than yesterday." She saw the expression on Jessie's face and turned to look at the calender. "What day is it?"

And, in the paragraph beginning, 'Voices.' ...she could see her daughters blue eyes... *Right* 'daughter's



*Star* Overall, a well-done story. Thanks for sharing it with us!


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1368465 by Not Available.



*Heart* Nicki
** Image ID #1416048 Unavailable **
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Review of For I love  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi! In the spirit of helping every writer (including myself *Wink* hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "For I love:


*Flower5* Initial Reaction: A hopeful poem to arise out of the ashes of 9-11. I was moved and inspired by every word of this piece.


*Exclaim* What I liked: There are so many moments of brilliance, but one I especially liked was this: Yet, I know, like a sun, I can rise above this
to dazzle the hearts, to embrace reed-flutes of peace
The images of the dazzling sun shedding warmth and light, and the peaceful reed that bows under pressure but does not snap, sums up the message of hope. Beautiful!


*Idea* Suggestions: None! This is perfect in my eyes!


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Even when I read this aloud, it flowed nicely with the punctuation you used. I found no typos. Nice job!


*Star* Thank you for using the tragedy of that fateful day to inspire you to write, and live, in peace. A message we all need to hear more often.


*Flower4* Nicki

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Review of Please Choose Me  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi! In the spirit of helping every writer (including myself *Wink*) hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Please Choose Me:


*Star* Initial Reaction: A well-crafted story of a young orphan whose plight, wanting desperately to be adopted, tugged at my heart as I joined him sympathetically in his hopes.


*Exclaim* What I liked: I enjoyed your descriptions of Jeremy very much. You did a great job developing him from the outside-to-in: Being small could be an advantage. Jeremy knew that people wanted to adopt the younger children. But I also appreciated the inside-to-out descriptions: Jeremy figured if she could match her shoes to her shirt, she must be able to afford a small boy. And: He tiptoed to the door of the office, stepping on every other tile to avoid stepping on the white tiles... Building a character through descriptives like these really help the reader understand Jeremy's perceptions and superstitions. Great job!


*Idea* Suggestions: This story seems to be written in the third-person limited narrative, with Jeremy as the protagonist. In the scene in Mrs. Swift's office, there is a quick shift into omniscient narrative with these lines:
(Mrs. Swift) didn't expect him to come into her office unannounced and uninvited. Mariana turned in her seat to see the source of the commotion. .... (Mariana) was amused by his energy and obvious discomfort at the position he found himself in at the moment. I suggest altering slightly the wording of these lines so that you show the reader through Mrs. Swift and Mariana's actions and dialogue how they are feeling, since the narrator really shouldn't be able to tell us their thoughts.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Fantastic job, I saw no typos or mistakes!


*Star* Overall, a really well written story with huge emotional impact. Thanks for sharing your talent with us!


*Flower3* Nicki
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Review of Oblivious  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review. This one is for Oblivious:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: The haunting question posed in this poem is really a spiritual one, because only belief in an answer can be offered. Beautiful!


*Star* What I liked: This piece, brief as it is, is full of strong descriptives. The one I like the most is this: the lone bird call caught between the blessing and the death -- a few notes, like angel dust, floating down from the trees above. Very powerful!


*Question* Suggestions: I can offer nothing that would make this better than it is.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: None.


*Star* I have enjoyed your poems very much. You are very talented -- congratulations on your published successes!


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*Heart* Nicki
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Review of The Dream  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review. This one is for The Dream:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This story is so suspenseful! I felt I knew all along how it would end, and I found myself reading faster and faster to get there and find out if I was right.


*Star* What I liked: The premise of this story intrigues me and I liked the supernatural aspect of it.

*Note* I thought you did a nice job of characterizing Carrie and Jim, using show rather than tell descriptives and strong voice dialogue. ('Now, Mother...' LOL, love that!)


*Question* Suggestions: The pace slows down a little through the middle section, as time slips by from spring to late summer. I wonder if cutting more to the chase, and having the near drowning incident occur sooner in the story's timeline would help the pace keep its intensity.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: I didn't notice any mistakes!


*Star* Overall, a great read that I really enjoyed. Thanks!


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#1368465 by Not Available.



*Heart* Nicki
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Review of Shelby  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review. This one is for Shelby:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A slice-of-life story with a comical ending. It made me smile -- well done!


*Star* What I liked: There is a real ease in readability with this story. It is simply written with no attempt to wow the reader with long words or hidden meanings. It is very pleasant to read.


*Question* Suggestions: None!


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: Deciding on a southeastern picture window in the living room as the best spot, she setup the long, low table... *Right* 'set up'.


*Star* Great job! I've enjoyed reading your work. Thanks!


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*Heart* Nicki
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
In appreciation of your generous participation in "Invalid Item, I have selected two of your portfolio items to review. This one is for Legacies of Mt. Pinatubo - Chapter One:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I am already a fan of yours from other items in your port I have read. So when choosing the second item to review, I jumped at the chance to read the first chapter of this novel. I am attempting my first novel this summer, so my motives are selfish *Smile*. I wanted to see how a pro does it!


*Star* What I liked: Your writing style never disappoints. The easy flow of the pace as you introduce the plot of this novel promises that it will be as enjoyable as the short stories I am familiar with. I think the reading audience will be hooked from this chapter, with its many questions about Ma's mysterious revelations brought back from the Phillipeans.

This chapter introduces us to Mary, and the early development of her character gives us some important information, notably that her relationship with her father was strong and positive. The lesson he taught her hints at foreshadowing and provides an intriguing hook: Remember always ...you should never let anyone bully you into doing something that is harmful to yourself." - Hmmmmm....? *Delight*


*Question* Suggestions: None, I think you have done a great job!


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: No mistakes that I saw.

I was watching for shifts in verb tenses. Your story is told in the present tense, and all the backstory passages are in the past and passive voice. I admire the ease with which you do this, as I seem only to write in the simple past! Thanks for showing how its done!


*Star* I enjoyed Chapter One. I hope to get to reading Chapters Two through Nineteen, although I have a lot of writing of my own to do in the near future *Wink*


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#1368465 by Not Available.



*Heart* Nicki
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Review of IN THE GREEN  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Saint! I just read In The Green. Before I go on, I want you to know that my reviews are in-depth, and contain comments about what I feel is working in the story and what I think could be improved. These are only my humble opinions, and my hope is that you take away what will help you and leave the rest *Smile*. Here goes:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A great read! The fast-paced plot unfolds with fervor and the intensity of the story grabs the reader right from the get-go and holds on tight until the end. I really liked this story -- bravo!


*Star* What I liked: Your obvious storytelling ability is a talent; one that seems to come very naturally to you rather than learned. I enjoyed the style of this piece from the characterization to the descriptive imagery. You did an outstanding job maintaining the correct verb tense, and didn't indulge too much in the passive voice (which, btw, is a common mistake).

*Star* You develope strong voices for the characters through your dialogue, which reads exactly as the speaker would be heard. This is another mark of natural talent *Wink*

*Star* I enjoyed the descriptions you use throughout this piece, and this line stuck out in particular: I started up Old Betsy and sped off again, keeping a mental map of the town at the edge of my field of vision. Nice!

         And -- this one shows your sense of humor: I picked the one with the fluorescent orange pellets with green paint inside, sort of an inside joke. Great job!


*Question* Suggestions: There is much you can do to improve the readability of this story. First, here at WDC, it is suggested that you double space between paragraphs. This allows the reader to transition easily from one paragraph to the next.

Second, each time a character speaks, with actual dialogue surrounded by quotation marks, that sentence should be given its own paragraph. For example, this is how the opening of your story should look:

The light was pale green and pulsing from the two-foot larvae at his feet. "Should we move it?" Clem asked, spitting his tobacco inches from it's side.

"I don't know what the hell to do with it," I said, "and that scares me to death."

"Ain't s*** to be scared of," said Clem.

He reached down and with a heave, lifted the thing up to his left shoulder. A quiet crackle and spark jumped to his forehead, and he went down like a load of bricks. His face immediately began to slough off like a butter sculpture in a microwave.

"Oh God!" I heard myself scream as I tried to turn and run. A tendril shot outwards from the pod towards me. If not for me slipping and lurching to the left, I'd have been history.


*Note* Here at WDC, there are word processing commands called 'Writing ML' you can use to indent, bold face, italicize, change font and color, etc. If you are not familiar with them, just go to the top left margin of any page and under 'Site Navigation' click on 'Site Tools' to open a drop down list that includes 'WritingML Help'.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: I noticed some punctuation errors, particularly in regards to dialogue rules. Remember, quotation marks open and close what is being said. If the sentence includes 'he said'; 'she replied'; etc, there is a comma just before the closing quotation marks. If that sentence, however, is a question or exclamatory, use a (?) or (!) inside the quotation marks instead of the comma. For example, here is an excerpt from your story:

"Paint guns", mike yelled! Always wanted one of those he said as he grabbed one from the shelf. Brain storming, I said. "They shoot plastic balls of paint, correct?
Damn straight, said Mike. We gathered up 10 of them, about 10,000 paint ball, 30 plastic firing guns and shuffled back to the jeep. "Hold it right there!"
Sheriff Harris said, a glint of light reflecting off of his 357 Magnum. Joshua, I said. It's me, Bill... You've got to listen to us.


Here is an edited version:

"Paint guns!" Mike yelled. "Always wanted one of those," he said, as he grabbed one from the shelf.

Brainstorming, I said, "They shoot plastic balls of paint, correct?"

"Damn straight," said Mike. We gathered up 10 of them, about 10,000 paint ball, 30 plastic firing guns and shuffled back to the jeep.

"Hold it right there!" Sheriff Harris said, a glint of light reflecting off of his 357 Magnum.

"Joshua," I said. "It's me, Bill... You've got to listen to us."


*Note* The following website has some great explanations of these and other grammar rules. I use it a lot myself!: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_q...

*Note* Also, review punctuation with possession:
...spitting his tobacco inches from it's side. 'its side'
...we sped back to Mikes loved ones. 'Mike's loved ones'


*Star* Overall, I thought this story was engaging and full of action. I enjoyed the pace and the plot. With some editing on the mechanical side, it will come into its own as a successful short story -- one that could be enlarged into a larger work!

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